Chapter Text
Sonny has always been boyish- for as long as she can remember. As soon as she could dress herself, it was basketball shorts and t shirts, jeans and flannels. She hated picture day- when ma would make her wear pretty dresses and curl her long hair. She'd much rather wear a button up and pants. She feels uncomfortable in the dresses, feels sick and hates the way her pictures look. Hates when her relatives see the pictures on the wall and fuss about how beautiful she is.
Sonny is 8 when she kisses a girl. It was a game of truth or dare and Mikey had dared her to kiss Julia- really pretty girl. Green eyes and tan skin, curly hair and dimples. She makes sure not to blush too hard when it happens, but she never forgets the way she felt when it happened.
Sonny is 10 when she's first teased for the way she dresses. One of the new kids from Brooklyn had just moved and was trying to establish his spot in the food chain. He decides to start with Sonny- calls her a faggot and a dyke and shoves her. She goes home and cries to her ma because she's Catholic, and Jesus hates gay people. She isn't gay.
Sonny is 12 when she learns what Transgender is. She's just online, but the word pops up on whatever she's googling. She decides to do a deeper search of what this is, and ends up with tears in her eyes- slamming her laptop down with an angry vengeance. She might have barely come to terms with being bi, but there was no way she was transgender.
Sonny is 13 when she stops "accidentally" stumbling across articles about transgender teens. Now, she watched the short stories on YouTube. She tries to pretend that each isn't a stab to the heart. It doesn't work. Maybe- maybe there's just a chance. The idea makes her head hurt- bile rise in her throat. Her dad had spoken of those "Transgenders" and what he would do if his kid ever was one. Sonny doesn't think she's ever cried so hard in her life, hair up in a beanie and curled up in a ball. Sonny is a he, and it hurts so bad.
Sonny is 17 when he cuts his hair short. It's taken him 4 years to convince his parents, but his ma finally agrees. He cries. His dad doesn't speak to him for a full day, and calls him "my son" for a week. He doesn't care.
Sonny is 17 when he first comes out. It's to his ex girlfriend. She tells him that she knew. He was always uncomfortable in his body and had mentioned binding. He's 17 when he gets his first binder, a close friend ordering it because he doesn't want the card statement giving anything away. He cries at how good it looks, how flat his chest is. One more year.
Sonny is 17 when he kind- of accidentally comes out to his ma. Her friend Samantha is there, and they're both drunk. The topic of his sexuality comes up- his ma thinks he's a lesbian but when he's asked where he sees himself in 20 years, he says he sees himself as a man. He doesn't even mean to- but now his ma wants answers and he doesn't want to talk about it. The night ends with Sonny's hands on his ears, pulling at the hair behind them, crying. He's screaming "get off, don't touch me" because someone is trying to hold him down. He just wants to be alone.