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Ikari Shinji felt cold.
During the winter months, it was common for residents of Ubako to migrate northwards towards Saitama to avoid the chills of being so close to a bayside. Shinji's classmates had left several weeks prior. He had stayed behind with a girl, Asuka, whom he lived with (along with their guardian, Misato, who had also left with her new husband, but entrusted the apartment to the two of them). He had feelings for her, and had believed them to be mutual. While he had no actual family of his own to see, anyway, he really had stayed to pursue those feelings.
'I don't want to see them,' Asuka had said, when Shinji asked why she had not gone to visit her family during the winter. 'They aren't my real parents, anyway.'
Shinji understood that. His mother had died long ago and in her absense his father had contorted into a shadow of his former self, no longer obligated to see his son as his own. She had been his entire world, and without the pull of her gravity he had no reason to fill the role of a family man. He was long estranged from Shinji. Perhaps, doubtfully, he had started a new family. It wouldn't matter either way, as it was too long since they ever were, and Shinji had grown beyond needing a father.
'Do I have permission to love you?', he had asked Asuka one night. He had not loved since his mother's passing, and had never known romantic love, but he had come to like her.
'I think that would be stupid of you,' she had told him. It was not clearly a refusal, more like a warning. Of course, nobody loses their family without damage, and Shinji suspected Asuka had sustained far more.
'I know better than that, but I feel we're both so lonely,' he told her. It was not a lie. She was attractive in her confidence, but harrowing in her rudeness, and intolerant of passive boys like Shinji. She didn't respond to his statement. Anything the two of them had in common was to be ignored by her for as long as possible. Asuka did not like to look in the mirror. They both knew that.
Shinji spent the following few nights outside, watching the stars. He didn't wish to return to their room, and to face her, as he had said something so stupid even he knew it to be the case. He had decided that soon it would be time for him to leave up north as well, and to let Asuka stay alone in her comfortable solitaire. He would stay with his friend, Kensuke, who was always willing to let him board, but had not yet had a chance to let Shinji accept the offer. This winter, that would change.
Shinji packed supplies he would need for the trip. Misato always kept a large amount prepared for the three of them, and he had spent the last of his money to purchase more food items so Asuka would have enough for herself for the next few months. It would be around a week by foot, but hopefully someone along the way would be kind enough to lend him respite through a carriage trip (although he wouldn't hold his breath). He said a goodbye to Asuka. Asuka did not say anything.
Three days into his journey and a snowstorm had hit. Shinji was lucky enough to not be in the complete middle of nowhere, and had found an abandoned cabin to stay in for the time being. Little was around for miles, and this would definitely slow him down on his journey, but a place with a roof was more luxury than he had felt camping the previous night. He ate, and then slept through as much of the storm as possible.
Perhaps it was not as abandoned as he had thought, as when he awoke it was to a boy's face looking at him, sitting across from him on the floor.
'Hello. What are you doing here?' the boy asked. He spoke eloquently, and smiled patiently as Shinji woke himself up.
'I'm Ikari Shinji. I'm travelling into Saitama for the winter. I'm sorry, is this your cabin? I didn't mean to intrude.'
'It is my cabin, but you are welcome to stay here with me for as long as you like. I don't get much in the way of company, living out here. My name is Nagisa Kaworu, by the way.'
As he spoke, Shinji noticed how odd Nagisa looked. His skin and hair were a pale white, surely enough to blend in with the snow raging on outside. His eyes were as red as rubies, and around his neck he wore a gold necklace, just as beautiful in every way as he. He did not look human, but in an ethereal way. He sat on the ground next to Shinji's bed. Aside from his strange looks, he appeared to be a normal boy, around Shinji's age, perhaps a little older.
'Once the snow dies down, I must leave. This cabin is fine for shelter, but it is too cold, and I'm worried I will catch a serious illness if I stay here for too long.'
Nagisa looked down solemnly.
'The snowstorm will end in a few hours, but please, stay here for the night.'
When nighttime had fallen, Shinji discovered that Nagisa had no use of his legs.
'What happened?' he had asked.
'It was a price I had to pay for a semblance of humanity,' he had responded. A vague answer, an Shinji did not understand it.
'Nagisa, what are you, if not human?'
'I am an angel who has been given human form,' he responded. Shinji didn't know what to make of that, but he supposed Nagisa looked very much like an angel. He helped him into the bed. Nagisa was freezing cold.
When he had awoken the following morning, Shinji had found Nagisa crying. It looked as odd on him as everything else.
'Nagisa, for what reason are you crying?'
'I was long ago granted the body of a human, but only recently have I developed the gift of a real human heart. I have witnessed so much suffering but never empathy. I feel I must make up for it.
'There is a poor woman not far from here, just into the following town on the right. She looks after a girl of 10 years, who is starving. I would like to stop the child from dying.'
Shinji felt rather thankful for his position in the cabin in that moment.
'But Nagisa, how would you help her?'
'I am crippled, but you are healthy. I would like you to help me, help her. Is that alright?'
It would only be a small detour, of around half a day, even if it wasn't on the way to Shinji's destination.
'Take my necklace and give it to the lady. She is brunette, and the child she looks after blonde. They live on the fourth street down, in a building labelled 'Magi'. You will find them easily, I am sure.'
'Alright, I will do that, and then I will return to you for one more night. I wouldn't feel right leaving you alone after I have awoken to you crying this morning.'
The snow had died down, and Shinji's journey was relatively painless. He had begun to develop what felt like a common cold at the time, but it was nothing to worry about.
The woman had thanked him so gratefully, and with the gold necklace she would now have enough money to feed the starving child for at least a month.
He returned to Nagisa the following morning, and slept the night in his bed again. At one point, he had awoken, surprised at how he felt. Nagisa was still awake.
'Why is it that I feel so warm, despite the snow outside?' Shinji pondered, more aloud to himself than to Nagisa.
'I think it is because you have done a good deed,' Nagisa had said.
The following morning, once again, Shinji awoke to see the other boy crying.
'What is it for now, Nagisa? Has something else happened?'
'Oh, Shinji,' he began, 'in the near town again I see suffering. A young boy and his sister, the boy around your age, are homeless and freezing. The girl can sew, but has nothing to attach her thread to.'
They had no blanket on their own bed. The cabin was cold, but at least it had a roof on it. Shinji sniffled a little.
'Please, I must ask of you a greater favour than yesterday. Do not be disturbed by this.'
Nagisa turned away from Shinji. He removed his shirt, followed by bandages previously underneath, to reveal a pair of wings. They were the most clearly imperfect thing about him, bent in places they shouldn't be, and clearly broken. Shinji gasped, but he did not know what for; the fact his new friend had been honest about being a human angel, or that he was hurt so badly beyond his legs. Nagisa held his shirt to his chest.
'Nagisa...what happened to you?'
Nagisa sighed, and looked as solemn as he did when he first asked Shinji to stay with him.
'In the snowstorm two nights ago, I was traveling back to my cabin here, and the wind sent a thick branch flying into me. Usually, I would move about with my wings, as my Father chose not to grant me legs in exchange for my humanity, but they have been damaged so badly I am now stuck here, as you see. I do not believe they will ever heal.'
Shinji was understandably horrified to hear this.
'Surely, it must hurt! You say it's for the brother and sister, but isn't this what you cry for?'
Nagisa laughed, not rudely, but comfortingly. His laugh was as soft as he looked.
'Personal pain is the least suffering I experience, Shinji. Thankyou deeply for your concern, but the real pain I feel is in the suffering of others.
'I would like you to use my knife to cut my wings from my back and give the feathers to the brother and sister, so they can make a new blanket.'
Shinji was not going to let this happen without a protest.
'But if I do that, you'll never move from bed again, once I'm gone! How will you live?'
'Shinji, they are already likely to never heal. I am fine with being bedbound, and you musn't worry about me. I will barely feel it.'
Shinji took Nagisa's knife from its resting place on the small kitchen counter and removed the wings. He cried the hardest he had cried in years as he watched the blade cut crudely through the bone, leaving ugly stumps on Nagisa's back. The broken wings were still beautiful in a deviant way, but Shinji felt as though he had ruined the angel's perfect image.
The wings were taken, as instructed, to the brother and sister in the town. The girl had cried tears of joy and thanked him sincerely for his charity. Shinji felt like he was taking credit for Nagisa's sacrifice, but once again his heart felt warm when he realised the result of his action. Nagisa's wings were large and the feathers thick and plush, very fitting to be strung together in a blanket.
In the walk back to the cabin, the snowstorm had reared a remnant of its ugly head again, and Shinji's cold had developed into something worse. He spluttered all the way back, and threw up the rations he had eaten that day. The warmth in his heart did not negate the chill in his body. He chose not to mention this to Nagisa, but was caught by him coughing a few times.
'If you're sick, won't you stay a day longer?'
Shinji didn't argue with that.
Like some kind of routine, Nagisa cried the next morning, too. Shinji felt worse than he had in the night. When he first awoke, he had no idea where he was. Nagisa spoke softly through his tears to bring him back to reality.
'How do you live with such a horrible burden?' Shinji had asked when he had regained his senses.
'I feel the pain of others so I have something to live for,' the angel replied.
'If you have no reason to live, then why did you ask your Father to become human?'
Nagisa paused.
'It is because I wanted to see someone again. Things do not always work out as you expect them to.'
'Who is this person?'
'Someone I loved in a past life.'
'Have you met, yet?'
'Yes,' and Nagisa sounded so decisive in his statement, that Shinji didn't feel like he should ask.
'This time I ask of you the greatest favour so far. On the skin of my chest I am adorned with a halo-like shape made of jewels. It is a cruel mark I retain from my Father. He sees beauty in the most fickle of things. I must ask you to remove it with the knife. As always, there is someone in far more need of it than me.'
When his shirt had been removed the previous day, Nagisa had only shown Shinji his back. Shinji knew now that this was deliberate. Embedded in Nagisa's torso was a ring of jewellery. Each jewel stood out from the next, and there must have been hundreds there. They were perfect in their cut, like something artificial.
'But, please, Nagisa! If I cut that much skin out of you, surely you will die! The jewels look so large, they must extend deep into your chest. I can't risk hurting you so much.'
The angel grasped his hands to the sides of Shinji's face, gently.
'I swear to you, Shinji, that this will not kill me. My Father did not grant me immortality in my human state but I have resistance far beyond the normal human. There is someone suffering out there. Would you like to know what has happened, that I am removing this mark from myself?'
Shinji nodded. He stared directly into the ruby-red eyes of the angel, entranced by how much they reminded him of some of the real jewels within his chest. He felt dizzy and disgusting, and couldn't bring himself to speak in protest otherwise. He really was quite sick.
'A frail old man lies in a hospital bed of the town over from the next. A botched surgery has ended up in his body rejecting his new liver, and he needs another transplant or else he will die. This is a sad man of great intelligence, who has lost the love of his life not once in death but twice in marriage to another man as well. He will make an incredible medical breakthrough if he lives, but if he is to die many others will as a result. He does not have the money to pay for such an expensive procedure, and I am obligated to help him.
'Please, Shinji, act as my messenger one last time, and I will never ask of you anything again. You will be free to leave.'
The knife was taken to Nagisa's body once more. Shinji didn't cry the second time, but the blood on his knife told a story of pain unmeasurable. He felt like in that moment he understood Nagisa's concerns for the pain of others. He wished he could convince the angel that his pain was just as important as anyone else's.
He had seen too much of the other boy's stomach to think about eating anything.
'Why did your Father give you such a cruel curse, that you can't walk, and your skin is embedded with jewels?' Shinji had asked, while he was removing the halo.
'He does not want me to be human. That was my will and my will alone. The wings were a mark of my Angelhood, and the jewels a reminder of the perfection of his creation. He may be a God but he is not infinitely generous, to the Angels or to humans. This is just the price I've paid.'
Shinji supposed that the person Nagisa wanted to see must have been very important.
On the way to the town, the snow was not particularly bad, but Shinji felt it in such an extreme way he almost collapsed. He couldn't think straight, so he kept on walking.
He reached the hospital in question. There were no staff at the desk. He left Nagisa's halo of jewels to pay for the old man's surgery next to his bed. No reaction this time. Not that the old man was conscious enough to notice. He still felt sick and he wasn't sure where exactly the nausea was coming from. There was no feeling of warmth in his heart. Shinji had not the strength to feel pride or generosity.
The journey back was the hardest part. Shinji's legs gave out from under him many times. He could barely breathe and when he wasn't falling over he was struggling to put one leg in front of the other. It took about an hour longer than usual.
He began to regain composure, slightly, when he reached the cabin. He fumbled with the door for far too long and fell onto the bed but he didn't feel like his chest was as constricted anymore. He slept deeply that night.
This time, Nagisa was not crying when he woke, but he was looking down at Shinji and watching him intently.
'Are you going to leave today?' he asked, after Shinji had (thankfully) successfully gotten breakfast for the two of them ready. Nagisa had covered his chest in bandages while Shinji was away.
'No, I have decided to stay. My heart feels pain for you, like yours does for others. I think I love you, and I feel so worried for you as well.'
That was the only time Nagisa cried that morning.
'I love you, too, Shinji,' he had replied, 'and more than anything, I feel the strongest suffering from you, and how purposeless your life has been.'
'I will stay with you, always, Nagisa,' Shinji said. He embraced Nagisa. The angel was still so cold.
'...That would make me happier than words could describe. I would like it if you would call me 'Kaworu', now, as well.'
Shinji spent the night listening to Kaworu's stories of Heaven.
The next day, Shinji's sickness had returned. He again struggled to breathe, and shivered violently. The snow had started up again.
A week after that, Kaworu cried again.
'I am going to leave you today,' Shinji spoke, slowly, his words slurred.
'At such a time...I knew you couldn't stay with me forever, but why do you choose to leave so soon? The winter will end in a month. After that, then I think we can make plans together.'
Shinji coughed. A small amount of blood splattered his fist.
'I mean I am leaving to the land of death. You know that, though, don't you?'
'Of course I do, Shinji,' and the tears flowed the hardest Shinji had ever seen him cry, 'I know all of your suffering so intimately. I just don't want to face it.'
'It's alright, Kaworu. You've told me everything I need to know. We will meet again.'
Kaworu smiled the saddest smile he could muster at the familiar words.
'Goodbye, Shinji,' he spoke, and he leant down to kiss the boy who had died in his arms.
Inside of himself, Kaworu felt something that he thought was meant to always be beating break in two.
'How horrible,' a young woman spoke, disturbed by what lay in front of her. She was so filled with pity she almost vomited. She and two friends had arrived upon a cabin in the middle of a clearing in the forest, about half a day away from their town. She looked down at the two corpses, one barely still human in its appearance, the flesh rotting off months ago, and the other, recognisably a very pale teenage boy, which looked as though he had only just passed.
One of her friends, a man with longer hair, spoke: 'We can't stay here if there's been dead people for God knows how long. We dispose of them first and then find somewhere else to go.'
The woman didn't want to see what happened to them.
The two men took the bodies and burned them on the outskirts of the clearing. The three left.
In the ashes lay a single ruby, split cleanly in two.
'Bring to me the most precious item on Earth,' Adam spoke, to his Angels in Heaven. The Angels brought to Him the ruby.
'You have chosen well,' said Lilith, who was sat beside her kin, 'as this is a heart Adam has given his blessing, and his Child, and the object of the Child's desire, will live free of suffering evermore in our paradise.'