Chapter Text
Dean had known Castiel Novak for as long as he could remember. Cas was the boy next door, Dean had a swing set in the backyard, and Cas would come over every day saying it made him feel like he could fly. When he was five, Dean flew up higher than he ever had before, and that was the day Dean Winchester met gravity. He tumbled out of the sky and broke his arm as he landed. Cas was at his side in a second, but the damage was done. It never quite felt like flying anymore to him, it was always more like getting ready to fall. Cas still flew though, and Dean was content to watch his friend from the safety of the earth.
...
When Dean was twelve he first started having the same feelings for boys as he did for girls. He realized that he found Adam prettier than he did Cassie. His whole life, Dean had wanted to fall in love. He was young and stupid and he believed in true love and making your own destiny with someone. He wanted his first love to be his last and he saw that apple pie life in his head when he walked by his crush in the halls.
...
When he was sixteen, Dean didn’t believe in true love anymore. He’d picked Alastair to be his first everything almost a year ago, and he couldn’t have been more wrong. He got more firsts than he bargained for. A first kiss. A first love. A first time having sex. A first slap in the face. A first time being called a whore. A first time being touched when he didn’t want it. Alastair was a possessive bastard, and he only got out when Cas saw Alastair hit him for the first time. Cas was never really one to get angry, but that day Dean saw a side of Cas that all the demons in hell wouldn’t dare to take on. He beat Alastair to a pulp, threatened to kill him if he ever came near Dean again. He took Dean to his house and tried to clean him up, but Dean just cried in Cas’ arms. Perfect Cas, his guardian angel next door. Cas just held him and told him it was alright, that Dean was safe, that he was sorry, so sorry he didn’t see it sooner, that he would never let anything like this happen again. Cas held him until he couldn’t cry anymore, and longer, until he finally fell asleep. The next morning when he woke up he was on Cas’ bed lying next to his friend with salty lines on his face from tears. Cas was awake, he looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Dean expected that he hadn’t.
“I lied to you, Cas.”
“What?”
Dean shook his head, fresh tears threatened to spill, but he refused to let them. He wasn’t going to cry anymore. “Love is a joke.”
“Dean-“
“I loved him, Cas. Look what it got me. Firsts are supposed to be the best life has to offer us. He took mine and he spit on it and now what do I have?”
“You have your last.”
“What?”
“Your last, Dean. The last person you’ll ever love. You’re going to find them ad they’re going to love you until the day they die, and you’re going to love them just as long. They’re going to be it for you. Don’t worry,” Cas grabbed his hand under the covers. “You’ll find them. You just can’t give up looking.”
“But, how will I know?”
“Maybe you won’t for a while. But one day you’ll wake up and- and you’ll just know.”
“You can’t know that, Cas. You’ve never even been with anyone, how can you know that?”
Cas smiled dreamily, “I found him already.”
“You’re with someone? Since when?”
“I’m not, he doesn’t know how I feel. Maybe he won’t feel the same. But whatever happens, no matter who I meet in between, I’m going to be in love with him until the day I die. He’s it. He’s my last.”
...
When he was eighteen, Dean lost his best friend to college. Cas went to NYU and had the time of his life. He made friends and went to parties and did things Dean never expected him to. Dean experienced a new first then, when he saw a picture of some blonde boy hanging off Cas’ neck and felt a hot curl of jealousy in his gut. When Cas came home for Christmas, Dean avoided him for a week before he could muster up the courage to face him. He had missed him so badly, but now Cas intimidated the hell out of him. He was smart and charming and gorgeous, God, when did he get so gorgeous? Cas had grown up so much and Dean was suddenly struck with how extraordinarily inadequate he himself truly was. He was working at Bobby’s shop as a mechanic for Christ’s sake. But when Cas saw him he smiled like a kid on Christmas, and Dean couldn’t help thinking that if Cas thought he was worth it, maybe he was. Cas only had a couple days left before school started again when Dean finally asked about the blonde boy in the picture.
“O-oh,” Cas stammered and blushed. “That was um, that was Balthazar. We were together. Briefly. Very briefly.”
“Oh,” Dean suddenly found immense interest in his shoes. “How serious were you?”
Cas let out a humorless laugh. “We were basically a glorified hook up, Dean. It was nothing.”
“Oh, okay. Hey, Cas?” Um, the guy you told me about– God, it must be about two years back now. The last guy. You ever, y’know, tell him?”
Cas went beet red. “Oh. No. No, I never did.”
“Why not?”
“Truly? I’m scared as hell.”
“I think you should.”
“What?”
“You should tell him.”
“Why do you think that?”
“I just- you deserve to be happy. And I mean he’s gotta be a good guy if you think so well of him.”
“What if he doesn’t like what I have to say?”
“If he turns you down he’s too stupid for you anyway. I’ve got work tomorrow, but I’m gonna grab some food at that diner on Main after my shift. You can let me know how it goes?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”
...
Dean was eighteen years, eleven months, and sixteen days when his best friend lid into a booth seat opposite him.
“Well?”
“I haven’t told him yet.”
“Well why the hell not? Cas you’re leaving in a couple days and-“
“Dean-“
“What if he meets someone while you’re gone and-“
“Dean-“
“I just don’t want you to miss out and I don’t get why-“
“Because I’m trying to right now.”
There was a long silence before the cogs in Dean’s brain started turning again. Did Cas just say what he thought he said? And that meant. . .
“What?”
“Dean, you’ve been my best friend since I was four and you’ve always been there for me and all I ever wanted was to give you half of what you’ve given me and it killed me when I realized what I had let Alastair do to you but I was scared and I didn’t want you to be alone and I didn’t want to be just some rebound so I didn’t tell you and I should have I shouldn’t have kept it from you for so long but I couldn’t bear the thought of you not feeling the same was and-“
“I’m your last?”
“Yeah. Yeah, Dean. You’re it.”
Dean smiled wider than he thought he ever had in his life. Cas chose him. He wanted him. In a second he swung around the table, crowded into Cas’ side of the booth, and kissed him for all he was worth. All he could think were the words “perfect,” “finally,” and “Cas.” He grinned like an idiot when they finally broke apart.
“Hey, Cas,” he whispered.
“What?”
“You know what that was?” Cas shook his head. “Our last first kiss.”