Chapter Text
Sitting at a table in a practically abandoned library wasn't exactly the ideal way to spend a Saturday night. Especially considering the fact Jinsoul promised her parents she'd graduate college and get a good job, while disappointment was the only thing Jinsoul could come up with when she tried looking into her own future.
School came easily to her- always has. But college really just decided to kick her in the ass in terms of the heaps of work she was given every day. She already struggled to keep her eyes open, despite the clock only reading 7:00 at night, and she didn't think she wanted anything more than a little bit of sleep. She could have fallen asleep right there, if she tried to. School drained her on every single level you could think of.
She looked back down at her textbook, which started to look more like a bunch of random words slapped onto a page than sentences to be easily comprehended. With a loud sigh, she finally decided to close the textbook and- against her better judgement of avoiding public embarrassment, even if only a few people remained in the library at this time anyway- crash her forehead against the surface of its hard cover.
Maybe these words will enter my brain now and make me a little less stupid.
She opened her phone, looking down at the screen that popped up with exactly zero notifications. She bit her lip, contemplating texting Sooyoung to help her study. At least then things would feel a little lighter. Deciding against it, she plopped it face-down against the table and looked back at her notebook; the pretty, half-done notes shouting vibrantly at her to just finish them.
She really should finish them. Really should. But she was so fucking tired of writing it she could have sworn her eyelids began to droop.
"Hey," a voice from out of no where called, startling Jinsoul.
"Jesus-!" Jinsoul whirled backward, facing the voice. "What the fuck, Jungeun?" Jungeun only laughed at that while Jinsoul rolled her eyes, scrunching her nose at her presence. After so long of not seeing her, too! Why?!
Why did it always have to be Kim Jungeun who talks to her at the worst times?! She felt sick every time she was near her and grew accustomed to the urge of throwing her into a raging pit of lava at the sound of her laughter. She fought off the need to run out of the room screaming with all her might, deciding to be a little nice and bare her unnecessary conversations due to the little humanity left that Jinsoul held. Simultaneously, she did nothing to pretend or act as if she was enjoying their time-wasting chats, in fact, she can't recall if she smiled around her even once.
"I didn't mean to scare you," she giggled, the sound fueling Jinsoul's anger. "Sooo..." Jungeun dragged the syllable along, propping herself against the table Jinsoul sat at. Even at Jinsoul's clearly annoyed grunt, she continued. "There's a project in computer science coming up..." Jungeun said with a smile.
Jinsoul rolled her eyes as she opened up her textbook again, figuring that writing these tedious notes would be more interesting and a better use of Jinsoul's precious time than conversing with Jungeun was- or ever will be. "Oh really?" Jinsoul asked in an uninterested tone, eyes scanning the same words she read a hundred times earlier to try to make sense of them.
"Mhm," Jungeun confirmed.
"And..?" Jinsoul dared to ask. She always knew there was more than just that with Jungeun.
"I... uh... I kinda want to be your... your partner," Jungeun offered slowly and innocently, with a shy grin plastered onto her face. She felt as if she'd break into a sweat in Jinsoul's perimeter, everything about her overwhelming Jungeun's senses. It wasn't like her to converse so casually with people she wouldn't consider her friend, but Jinsoul... she was different. So different.
Different in ways Jungeun wishes she could explain to Jinsoul. She tried hard to not bother her too much, but sometimes she really just needs to see her. Even at her toughest times, Jinsoul's presence eased her in ways she didn't understand. Somehow, though, she always felt like she was annoying Jinsoul, like a bratty little sister. So over the last few weeks, she tried to limit her visits. But she couldn't help herself when one of her friends just informed her she was going to drop out of college next week. That upset her beyond any words, and she really wanted to see Jinsoul. To hear her honey-like voice. Just for a few minutes, she promised herself.
Jinsoul heaved through an annoyed breath, "I'm good. I have Sooyoung."
"B-"
"If you're going to say 'but', don't even bother. I'm not changing my mind. Of all people, you wouldn't exactly be one of my first choices," Jinsoul informed.
Jungeun shut her mouth for a peaceful moment of silence, to which Jinsoul cherished.
Jungeun should have seen this coming. Of course Jinsoul would want Sooyoung. She's prettier, funnier, less awkward, more social... she quite literally has it all. And that includes being the apple of Jinsoul's eye. She let out an exasperated breath and got off of the table.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have asked," Jungeun muttered, looking at Jinsoul and trying to sound more cheery than she felt.
"Hm," Jinsoul nodded. "I mean- you probably knew this was coming."
"Yeah," Jungeun agreed through a soft exhale.
"And you probably knew I don't carry any want for your friendship anyway," Jinsoul added, making Jungeun's fragile heart tremble in a slight ache.
"I guess..." Jungeun's voice only seemed to grow quieter as she let out a dead laugh.
"I'm really not trying to be a jerk. I swear. I don't hate you. I just- well... how to word it..." Jinsoul trailed off in thought.
"Hate my company?" Jungeun suggested, looking down at her feet.
"That's a way to word it. But that still sounds mean."
"No, I kinda figured anyway. I tried not to be around too much but..." Jungeun began, twiddling her thumbs. "But I just wanted to see you again today." Jungeun forced herself to look up at Jinsoul with a smile.
Jinsoul stared at her for a moment, before turning back to her textbook. "It's fine."
A minute of silence passed before Jungeun decided it was best to just leave and stop Jinsoul's annoyance. She tried to apologize, but her voice gave out and she only ended up mouthing a sorry as she scooted quickly out the library doors.
Jinsoul felt like she could finally breathe again, taking in a large breath of air at the loss of Jungeun's presence. It seemed just that much fresher. She closed her textbook for good and packed all her things back into her bag, sliding it over her shoulders as she picked her phone up from where it laid on the table.
1 new message
Curiously, Jinsoul clicked on the notification and entered her passcode- which, of course, was the date of the day she and Sooyoung met; the first day of college, when she got her first ever roommate. She smiled every single time she typed in that passcode.
Sooyoung: it's eight at night where r u i bought us food
Quickly, Jinsoul's fingers tapped in a response.
Jinsoul: be there in 5!
Sooyoung: it's getting cold and i ate ur rice
Jinsoul: what the fuck sooyoung
Sooyoung: it's already in my stomach
Sooyoung: there is no more
Sooyoung: think before you decide to be late next time
Jinsoul chuckled, rolling her eyes even though Sooyoung couldn't see her. She was walking as quickly as she could back to their dorm in pursuit of both Sooyoung's company and food. She held her phone tightly in her hand, smiling down at the screen as she worked to write out another reply.
Of course, that was until she tripped on an unexpected elevation in the sidewalk and fell face-first onto the pavement.
Getting up with a pained grunt, she held her nose, which, upon observation, was indeed a bleeding mess. "Ow..." She muttered, looking at the blood splattered on the pavement. She groaned, looking at its inky color in the dark night sky. "God damnit... Why does this happen to me of all people..."
Her hand found the phone that slipped out of her hands and landed a few feet away from her body and picked it up, only for her face to contort in horror, gasping as she looked at the shattered mess of her screen.
"No, no, no... Please..." She begged quietly as she tried desperately to turn her phone on. "Come on... Please..."
After minutes of hopeless trying and a thick blood oozing from her nose, she finally gave up and sighed, "Fuck." She shoved her phone carelessly into the back pocket of her jeans, standing up with a pained yelp. What the fuck was wrong with her ankle?
She felt like crying out in frustration, not only was her ankle killing her, but she couldn't text anyone to pick her up either. "I fucking hate my life oh my god," She spat under her breath. With a slight limp, Jinsoul managed a few steps at a time, stopping after a minute or so of attempted walking each time until she felt motivated enough to limp again. She groaned, knowing her food must've either been completely cold right now or eaten by Sooyoung. She propped herself onto a nearby bench, rolling up her jeans until her swollen ankle was exposed. Even a gentle tap against the puffy skin sent a surge of pain through her body, causing her to hiss and jolt.
Annoyed, Jinsoul grew mad for a reason not even she knew. She had to wait longer to see Sooyoung. Her food was undoubtedly cold by now. Jungeun of fucking course had to go out of her way once again to talk to her. She couldn't even finish her notes for a test the next Friday! Everything fucking went wrong. When things look up, they go right back down. Her face went red at each thought- also because of the piercing coldness of the transition between autumn and winter- and, without thinking, she angrily reached to clench something in her fist. Maybe leaving her hand right by her ankle wasn't the best idea.
"Ow! Oh my- fucking fuck- Jesus-" She shouted, slowly becoming quieter. "How the fuck am I supposed to-"
"Jinsoul?"
Oh no.
Of course.
Sighing, Jinsoul mustered up the last bit of her dignity to reply; very unenthusiastically, at that. "What could you possibly want?" She groaned.
"Well, I was just... just passing by, and," Jungeun stammered. "And you kind of sounded in pain."
"I'm fine," Jinsoul huffed below her breath.
"O-okay," Jungeun nodded, looking down to the sidewalk, not wanting to look at Jinsoul. She should probably leave now. But seeing Jinsoul in pain like that... she couldn't just walk away! Before she did anything, though, she needed to know if Jinsoul actually wanted her help. "Jinsoul, do you hate me?"
Jinsoul looked up at Jungeun's wide eyes, bright and hopeful. She fought away the feeling in her stomach looking at her as she remembered who exactly this was. "No. Not at all," Jinsoul replied and shrugged. "Why do you keep asking?"
"Because I feel like you do," Jungeun insisted. "Can you like... tell me something if you're thinking it? I'm not gonna be hurt, I'm not two. If you don't like me, just tell me."
"I never said I liked you. I'd be lying. And I never said I hated you. Because I don't. You're just-"
"Annoying?" Jungeun finished the sentence for her. "I figured. But god damnit Jinsoul, you're literally hurt. Just let me bring you back to your dorm or something."
Jinsoul could just barely see in the darkness now, but she could still make out the way Jungeun held out her hand to her. She stared at it for a long while, thinking about whether or not she should actually let her help. Jinsoul knew that, even if it took a lot of time, she probably could get back home. But... it would be a lot quicker and easier to just let Jungeun help. Not to mention less painful.
Jungeun brought her hand back to her side after realizing Jinsoul was only going to stare at it for eternity. "Suit yourself, I guess," Jungeun mumbled as she began to walk away, not bothering to-
"Wait!" Jinsoul shouted, immediately causing Jungeun to turn and look back at her with an acknowledging nod. "Could... Um, could you- like, uh-"
"Don't worry," Jungeun smiled, walking back over to Jinsoul. "Can I..?" She asked, placing an arm under Jinsoul's thighs and the back of Jinsoul's neck. Jinsoul quietly, but quickly, nodded, giving her approval as Jungeun easily lifted her off the bench. "Where's your dorm?"
"Just walk straight two more blocks," Jinsoul answered, feeling so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable in Jungeun's arms. She wanted to jump off and run back to her dorm as quickly as she could, but, of course, she couldn't. She quietly watched as each building passed, silently questioning Jungeun's strength. She was surprised such a tiny girl could lift her. She looked everywhere except at the person who carried her, wanting to forget who that person even was. She would soon be near Sooyoung, and that's all that matters.
"Is this the complex?" Jungeun inquired after she followed Jinsoul's instruction. Jinsoul looked at the building, noticing that it did, indeed, hold her room. On instinct, she looked up to the window of Sooyoung's room, admiring her silhouette from the light inside her room. She had to stop herself from sighing in awe.
"Yes," Jinsoul replied.
Jungeun walked up to the door, arms beginning to burn when she suddenly realized she wouldn't be able to open the door. She looked down at Jinsoul, smiling gently. "You got it from here?" She asked.
"Uh," Jinsoul said, looking away from Jungeun again. It felt so awkward being so close to her. She hoped this would be the last time this ever had to happen. She remembered the flight of stairs she'd have to walk up to get to her room, ankle already aching in pain at the thought of it. But, she guessed it was better than making Jungeun do it for her. Other than the discomfort of being in the position where she had to be carried by Jungeun, it was probably also a burden for her. She didn't exactly care, but she didn't want to be seen as crude. Her thoughts were probably best remained unspoken. "Yeah. I'll be fine from here."
With that, Jungeun, as gently and carefully as she could, brought Jinsoul back to her feet. She grinned at Jinsoul, not exactly expecting a smile back, but it still felt obligatory to do so. She waved, "Good night."
Jinsoul nodded, not caring that Jungeun couldn't see it, considering she was already walking away. She didn't waste another second before swinging the door open and, as fast as she could with her limp, forced herself into the complex and headed straight for the stairs.
If only we had a fucking elevator, Jinsoul sighed in thought, clinging to the railing as she hopped on one foot to the next step, ascending slowly. So far, she'd only made it up one flight of stairs, which meant there were still two more to go. She really wanted to bang her head against a wall. Even more so when she realized that there was, in fact, an elevator that she could have used.
She frowned, looking down the stairs to glance at the main floor elevator that was now almost out of sight. She looked straight ahead at the elevator that was down the long hall- the really long hall. She grunted in annoyance as she continued hopping her way up the stairs, cursing under her breath, using her hurt ankle the least as she could.
From this day forth, she would never complain about having to walk up stairs again, after getting a taste of what this was like. If karma really is real, this was probably it. Out of breath, she looked up at the last flight of stairs she'd have to pass, closing her eyes tight and opening them again to make sure this wasn't just a fever dream or something. Nope. She slowly lowered herself to the ground until she was sitting, scooting herself to lean against the wall. She pulled her now-broken phone out of her pocket and looked down sorrowfully at it. She ran her thumb over the ruined, cracked screen, pressing the power button with little hope left for the last time, realizing that her phone was gone for good. Right when she just payed for her new data plan, too. She had no intention of getting back up soon unless absolutely necess-
"Are you okay..?" A male's voice erupted from above Jinsoul, causing her to look up immediately with wide eyes.
She realized how dumb she must have looked. "Huh? Oh. Yeah. I'm, like, totally fine. That sounded sarcastic but it wasn't, I promise, just-"
"Okay," He cut her off. "I got it." And with that, he rolled his eyes, walking down the hall.
Jinsoul's gut twisted with annoyance and anger, "Wait!" She exclaimed, marching towards him to the best of her ability. "What the-"
"Would you let me get to my room in peace?" He grunted, and then he was gone.
Staring at the empty hallway in disbelief, Jinsoul laughed lifelessly. "Fine! Guess I'll just- get up the stairs myself then!"
When she finally saw the door that lead to her dorm, she hunched over in relief, letting out a contented breath. She twisted the doorknob open, shutting the door behind her, and fell onto the couch, like a magnet drawn to metal. She closed her eyes, taking in the feeling of finally laying down. She felt like she could just ware off to sleep, lulled by the comfort of-
"It's nine o'clock! Jinsoul, are you out of your mind?" She laughed upon hearing Sooyoung's distressed voice, forcing her eyes to open to look at the beautiful girl in front of her.
"I fell. And hurt my ankle," Jinsoul filled in the blanks for Sooyoung. "And broke my phone."
"Oh, goodness," Sooyoung whispered, shaking her head as she placed her forehead on her palm. "That's why you weren't answering my texts..."
"Glad to know you're concerned," Jinsoul smiled tiredly at Sooyoung.
Sooyoung scoffed, almost laughing, "You wish."
"I know," Jinsoul winked.
Sooyoung sat down next to where Jinsoul's head laid, playing with Jinsoul's soft strands of hair. Jinsoul closed her eyes and leaned into Sooyoung's touch, wishing so badly that it felt more than just platonic to Sooyoung. She didn't even know when she started falling for Sooyoung; just that she was falling for her, harder than she ever wanted to. She wished she could pinpoint the exact moment and go back in time to prevent it from ever happening, because as much as she adores Sooyoung, she is making her life so difficult. But with that, she got the best roommate she could ever ask for and the most amazing friend you could ever have, and she wouldn't trade it for the world. So if she had to have a little crush on her, then by all means, she'd continue going through it. She loved Sooyoung's company, her aura, how all her problems seemed to lift in her perimeter.
"You're the best, Sooyoung," Jinsoul hummed, unable to erase to small smile that seemed to be embedded onto her face.
"I put your food in the fridge," Sooyoung started to explain, still staring warmly down at Jinsoul's relaxed form. "Reheat it whenever you want."
Jinsoul accepted, "Alright." She stayed there, never wanting to leave. She remembered the day they met; the day she found the girl she'd be spending the next few years with. And... maybe, just maybe... even longer, too.
Jinsoul held her luggage tightly in her hand, rolling the bag to her designated room. She knew the name of her soon-to-be roommate, Ha Sooyoung, but knew nothing else about her. She inhaled shakily, reminding herself that first impressions matter. This is the person who she's going to spend so much of her time with- if all goes well. She was hoping to find companionship with Sooyoung, wanting to have a friend while going into an entirely new city, with new people, at a college she thought she'd only be able to dream of attending.
Her parents always egged her on about how she had to finish her education as a high honor student, to aim for the spot of valedictorian. She wouldn't consider herself shy, but she wasn't terribly social, either. She was outgoing enough to look forward to the college parties she's heard so much about, and to find a new group of friends to talk to and hang out with. She smiled as she neared the door, hands shaky and almost unsure as she went to open it.
Before she could, though, the door swung open itself, causing Jinsoul to open her eyes wide at the unexpected action. She peered in cautiously, looking left and right for her roommate, to see if she was already here.
"Hello!" A pretty girl jumped into view suddenly, grinning welcomingly as she held the door open for Jinsoul. "Sorry if I scared you, I was just hiding behind the door. The room isn't haunted or anything!" Sooyoung laughed, which seemed to be infectious, considering how Jinsoul found herself emitting a small giggle as well.
She couldn't stop staring at her, almost forgetting that she needed to go into the room and unpack her stuff. She only remembered that she needed to when Sooyoung began to give her an odd stare, Jinsoul nodding in acknowledgement- as well as embarrassment- as she stepped into the room, rolling her luggage behind her.
She didn't bring much, only one medium sized suitcase, so it probably shouldn't take too long to unpack. She looked back at Sooyoung as she pushed aside her suitcase for now, smiling widely at her. She wanted to get to know her, so she already decided before that, to get to know her roommate, she would invite her to lunch and talk with her more there. Nerves seemed to strike her suddenly, as if realizing how impactful this moment will be in the future of their potential friendship.
"Sooyoung," Jinsoul began with a warm tone. "After I unpack my things, wanna join me for lunch? I was going to grab something on my way here, but I figured I could get to know you a little better over some food."
Sooyoung immediately accepted, "Of course! Do you need any help unpacking though?"
Jinsoul looked down at her bag, thinking of all the things she packed. Clothes, toiletries, brush, electronics, headphones, chargers... She only grabbed the absolute necessities, not wanting to overpack. "If you don't mind," Jinsoul replied, unzipping her bag as Sooyoung kneeled beside her, ready to help out.
Together, they sorted everything to where they should go, and Sooyoung even showed Jinsoul around the dorm; the kitchen, Sooyoung's room, her own room, bathrooms, lounge, everything was all mapped out in Jinsoul's brain by now. Small talk was made every now and then when they weren't too busy sorting everything to where it belongs.
Sooyoung slipped on her shoes as Jinsoul made sure she had enough money in her wallet for the lunch they were about to get. "Sooyoung, you ready?" Jinsoul asked, shoving her wallet into her pocket.
"Mhm!" She hummed, rushing up to Jinsoul to put her hand in hers. "Lets go!"
"Jinsoul?" Sooyoung whispered, brushing some hair out of Jinsoul's face. She was met with her closed eyes, steady breathing, slightly parted lips. She laughed quietly at the sight, noticing how she'd drifted off to sleep in her touch.
Oh, how badly did Jinsoul want to wake up the next morning still with Sooyoung.
She knew better, though, than to believe in miracles, because before she even opened her eyes, she already knew she'd be alone, draped across the couch. She sat up with an exasperated breath, a yawn forcing its way out of Jinsoul's mouth. She blinked, adjusting her tired vision until the room unblurred. She noticed the fact that she had a blanket over her body now with a smile, Sooyoung must have gotten it for her. She thanked Sooyoung in her head as she cocooned herself in the blanket, smiling as she inhaled deeply, enjoying the faint scent of Sooyoung's perfume. She must've brought this blanket from her room to give to Jinsoul. Jinsoul hummed at that, smiling gratefully as her hand maneuvered its way to the television remote. It was her second best option now that her phone wouldn't work.
She went to the YouTube option, laughing knowingly when the song she was going to listen to was the first one on her recommended list. She clicked on the remote, watching the screen load for a short second before the music played.
Sooyoung had recommended this song to Jinsoul a few months ago, knowing that Jinsoul would love it. Jinsoul didn't know if this was her favorite song because it was good, or her favorite song because of Sooyoung. She hummed quietly along to the lyrics, enjoying the woman's voice and the instrumentals. Everything about this song was so pretty, she loved it. She listened to it as much as she could, if she could play this song her entire life, she would. She always thought of Sooyoung while listening to the lyrics, which fit accurately, considering the woman sang about having a one-sided romance.
Sooyoung walked quietly into the room at the sound of the song, looking up at the television screen and then down at Jinsoul, happily wrapped in Sooyoung's blanket. She smiled, laughed a little, too, as she made her way to sit on the couch next to Jinsoul.
"You still listen to this?" Sooyoung bit back the large smile that threatened to take place at the fact Jinsoul still listened to the song she told her to listen to all those months ago. Her heart felt warm, knowing her best friend really did enjoy it. She obviously knew she would, but still. It was a nice, comfy feeling.
And the same kind of feeling took place in Jinsoul's heart whenever she heard the song, too. Except maybe for a different reason.
Jinsoul nodded quickly at Sooyoung's rhetorical question with a cute little grin, giggling lightly. Sooyoung laughed a little, breathlessly, seeing the cutie beside her. She was so, so lucky to have her as her roommate. She never once took that for granted, and she enjoyed their friendship more and more each day. She really doesn't know what she'd do without Jinsoul, doesn't know how she got through life before meeting her. She was like the sunshine in her life, always there for her, always motivating her to do even those little things, like buying that bracelet she really wanted. She was always there for Sooyoung, through thick and thin. Sooyoung was so grateful for that, grateful for her. She could never have asked for a better companion.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Sooyoung asked, getting up from the couch. It was these kinds of things she liked doing for Jinsoul in return, hoping Jinsoul knew how much their friendship meant to Sooyoung.
"Do we have pancake mix still?" Jinsoul looked up wide eyed at Sooyoung.
"Hm... I can check," Sooyoung said, running over to the breakfast cabinet to check for pancake mix. Cereal... Fruit bars... Oatmeal... She sighed, no pancake mix. She would feel sad about disappointing her best friend, so she threw a sweatshirt on and shoved her wallet in its pocket. "I'm gonna go to the store and get it, okay?"
Jinsoul nodded. "Okay. Can I come?" She asked with a childish grin.
"You want to?" Sooyoung raised an eyebrow, to which Jinsoul nodded again and got up to run over to Sooyoung's side, sliding on a pair of shoes. Jinsoul smiled, acknowledging that her ankle no longer killed her with every step. "Alright, then."
Jinsoul held onto Sooyoung's arm with a smile, enjoying her warmth. She wished she could be by her warmth forever, it was so comforting. They walked hand-in-hand to the grocery store, opening the door with the sound of the little bell. Sooyoung smiled at that sound every time she heard it, Jinsoul had noted that a little while ago. Unconsciously, she found herself beginning to smile every time she heard that sound, too.
They got their pancake mix- and smoothies, due to Jinsoul's begging- checked it out, and left the store. Sooyoung held the bag while Jinsoul immediately opened her smoothie, drinking it happily.
They walked in mostly silence, other than the sound of Jinsoul's slurping and giggling for no reason- she always felt so giddy when she went places with Sooyoung, even as simple as a grocery store. Their steps were synchronized, each one helping orchestrate the rhythm of their feet pounding against the concrete sidewalk.
"Ew, what is that?" Sooyoung grimaced, pausing in her steps as she looked down on the pavement, causing Jinsoul to do the same. She gasped when she saw the faint blood stain on it, immediately knowing it was probably her own from last night. Instinctively, she went to hold her nose for a second. "How did we not see that when we came this way?" Sooyoung laughed.
Jinsoul shrugged awkwardly, playing along, "Don't ask me." They hopped over the stain, continuing their journey back to their dorm.
They suddenly paused again, due to Sooyoung stopping in her tracks yet again. She stared ahead, causing Jinsoul to glance worriedly at her. She looked ahead to where she was looking, jaw dropping as she saw.
"W-who's she..?" Sooyoung muttered, voice sounding fragile.
Jinsoul didn't even want to answer. Didn't want the name to leave her mouth while she was right there with Sooyoung. She blinked, making sure that she wasn't seeing things- that it wasn't Jungeun over there that Sooyoung was staring at.
"I, uh, I don't know," Jinsoul lied through her teeth, wincing at the feeling of fibbing to Sooyoung. But sometimes, things are better left unknown. She had to get herself and Sooyoung away, as quick as possible, thinking quickly of some lame excuse to get them to go back to the store or something.
Jungeun finally locked eyes with Jinsoul, noticing her wide-eyed stare and ajar mouth, smiling towards her. Oh no. Jinsoul felt like she could break into a sweat as Jungeun began to walk towards her in what felt like slow-motion, Jinsoul almost being able to hear the blood rushing to her ears.
Thinking fast, she started tugging hurriedly on Sooyoung's sweatshirt. "Sooyoung, we forgot toothpaste at the store and we really really need some," Jinsoul rushed, becoming less and less patient as her words went on and Jungeun advanced closer. "Sooyoung, lets go, go go go, now, we forgot and we have to, we need it, we-"
"Hey Jinsoul," Jungeun greeted with a small smile. "And Jinsoul's friend." She looked over at the girl standing next to Jinsoul.
Tensing up, Jinsoul quickly added, "Actually, she's my-"
"Sooyoung," Jinsoul's friend returned the smile that flashed her way, offering her hand to Jungeun to shake it. "My name is Sooyoung."
Jinsoul never wanted to disappear more in her life.
Jungeun chuckled, shaking Sooyoung's hand. "Well, nice to meet you. I'm Jungeun."
Sooyoung's eyes bulged as she turned to face Jinsoul, mouth opening wide to speak. "Jungeun? As in the-"
"The... the, uh," Jinsoul thought, trying desperately to save herself, or somehow pull herself out of this situation. Never did she think she'd live to witness the day Sooyoung and Jungeun met. She was speechless yet had so much to say at the same time.
"...You've talked about me?" Jungeun asked, raising an eyebrow.
Jinsoul bit her lip, looking down at the ground, really wanting to run away. "Yeah, um, just-"
"She talks about how much you a-"
"Amaze me!" Jinsoul quickly exclaimed, saving herself with a wide smile- a forced, awkward one, at that.
Jungeun blinked at both girls emotionlessly. "...Uh huh."
"Yeah! And um," Jinsoul continued, making sure she gave Sooyoung no time to talk. The confused expression on Sooyoung's face would have made Jinsoul laugh if this were any other scenario, but since it's actually not, and the reality was sadly this, she prayed Jungeun didn't catch onto the look. "Well, I- we- I talk about how much we, uh, we talk..! And how much I just... enjoy your company," She smiled, trying to hide her tightly clenched jaw.
"Listen, I don't know what's going on right now," Jungeun began with a confused tone but an expressionless face. "But maybe you should get some sleep, Jinsoul. You seem... weird."
"Weird?" Jinsoul forced a laugh out of her stomach. "No, no! Just very, very... happy..."
Jungeun said nothing to that, instead choosing to move onto a new subject. "So your ankle's feeling better?"
Normally, having conversations with Jungeun would cause a fire to burn in the pit of her stomach, and she'd have to fight the urge to throw up. This time she fought the urge to vomit because of how her nerves seemed to be continuously knotting and twisting from anxiety, causing her to clench her fists until her knuckles grew pale. She knew Sooyoung's stare was burning into the side of her skull, choosing to painfully ignore it as she gulped. This must have been the longest time she's ever held eye contact with Jungeun.
"Mhm," Jinsoul barely hummed, too afraid to speak anymore. She pursed her lips into a thin line, hoping the end of the conversation was nearing.
"That's good," Jungeun smiled, nodding. "You're so much lighter than I expected!"
"Wait-" Sooyoung tried to interrupt, but Jinsoul forced her voice over her's.
"Yeah," Jinsoul laughed incredibly awkwardly. "I guess. You're just pretty strong, I thought."
Jungeun felt her face flush at the compliment. "O-oh."
"Stop!" Sooyoung nearly shouted. "What's going on here..? And Jinsoul, why did you-?"
"Thanks, Jungeun, but we're gonna have to go. I'll see you around," Jinsoul smiled as she pulled a reluctant Sooyoung to continue walking down the sidewalk until they got to their dorm. The second they stepped inside, the tension thickened instantly. Sooyoung went to put the pancake mix away into the cabinet and set her smoothie on the counter, stepping back into the living room.
Sooyoung turned to face Jinsoul, staring at her for what felt like eternity. "What... What the fuck was that?!" She yelled, mostly confused.
"Well, actually," Jinsoul laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of her neck to distract herself. "It's kind of a long story, you know? Sometimes, I think we say things we don't... Don't really mean. To... protect one another. Yeah? And, uh, I didn't, y'know, intentionally lie a little bit, it just, hah... uh... happens. You get it, right?" Sooyoung just stared at her blankly.
"I really wish I could say yes," Sooyoung laughed with a little less life than usual. "You... you did that... to protect me? From what?"
"You're not mad at me?" Jinsoul ignored Sooyoung's question, instead asking her own, to which Sooyoung nodded. Jinsoul let out a sigh of relief, continuing. "I don't know what happened. I can't tell you because I don't know. I just did what felt right. I'm sure she liked you anyways."
Sooyoung's eyes lit up at that, and Jinsoul smiled seeing that. "Y-you really think so?" Sooyoung stuttered, pushing hair behind her ears, tripping over her own words at the thought. Jungeun was so beautiful. This couldn't have been the same Jungeun that Jinsoul was talking about, right? She didn't seem annoying... she seemed so nice... so pleasant...
"Yeah," Jinsoul affirmed, speaking slowly. "She smiled so brightly at you... And you looked like you really liked her, too." The way Jinsoul spoke sounded almost distant, reminiscent in the memories with an unknown emotion.
"I mean..." Sooyoung blushed. "I kind of... kinda thought she was a little pretty..." Sooyoung tried to hide her smile, biting the inside of her cheeks. Contrary, Jinsoul fought the frown that threatened to downcast the mood that was supposed to be happy.
Sooyoung was getting a crush! Of course Jinsoul had to be there for her! It doesn't matter how Jinsoul feels towards her if it's not mutual, because nonetheless they're still friends and she should still support Sooyoung.
With that thought, Jinsoul looked Sooyoung in the eye, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Do you... want me to set you two up with a date?" The words felt wrong sliding off of her tongue, but she tried to smile to convince Sooyoung that this was what she wanted for her. She always wanted the best for Sooyoung. Always wanted her to be happy. But for some reason it felt so wrong to stand there and say that.
Yet when she saw how Sooyoung's face looked instantly brighter, she knew it was the right thing. As if she were about to slip out of her hands, Jinsoul tightened her grip upon Sooyoung's shoulder, just enough to feel a light squeeze. She grinned, pretending to be excited. Her grin was shaky and unsure, even Sooyoung could notice. And that's when Sooyoung's face dimmed, frowning slightly as she looked at Jinsoul's almost painfully happy expression.
"You like Jungeun, don't you?" Sooyoung whispered, not letting her eyes leave Jinsoul's.
"No," Jinsoul whispered back while shaking her head, voice even quieter than Sooyoung's hushed one. Unknowingly, she brought her other hand up to Sooyoung's free shoulder, so afraid to let her slip through her fingers. Afraid to see her in another girl's arms.
Sooyoung nodded, "Okay. I believe you. Then... you must have a crush too."
"Huh?" Jinsoul's voice raised before Sooyoung spoke again.
"You're sad because... you're gonna be lonely. You like somebody too..." Sooyoung smiled knowingly. "Come on, you can tell me!"
Jinsoul sighed, shaking her head and closing her eyes that stung with tears that she held behind her eyes. She didn't want to speak. She didn't want to lie. Not again.
"Hey! I'm your best friend, aren't I? You can trust me! I won't go telling everybody!" Sooyoung pushed.
"No," The word was almost mouthed, so quiet you almost couldn't hear it. Jinsoul couldn't bare it- the feeling of lying straight to Sooyoung's face once again.
"Just tell me if you like someone or not. You don't have to tell me who," Sooyoung bargained.
Jinsoul defeatedly sighed, looking back up at Sooyoung through her blurry eyes. "I do," She said weakly.
"Aww," Sooyoung cooed, rubbing Jinsoul's head. Jinsoul loved her touch, even if it was gone just as quick as it came. "So you do! Promise you, I won't tell a soul," She giggled.
Jinsoul bit her lip. She never knew how much this would hurt.
"When can you talk to Jungeun? You know... to set up a date?" Sooyoung questioned.
It was the last thing Jinsoul wanted to think about. "As soon as I can," Jinsoul promised.
Sooyoung looked straight into Jinsoul's eyes, feeling like something was off. She just didn't know what it was, exactly. They seemed... hurt. She felt bad, she hoped she didn't force her to say anything she didn't want to say... After all, she cared about her.
"Thank you," Sooyoung smiled warmly, genuinely. Jinsoul wished she could smile back. But her face felt far too weak to list her lips to a smile. So instead, she nodded.
She felt frozen, even after Sooyoung left the room. She refused to let her tears get the best of her, so, although reluctant, she immediately put on a jacket and prayed she could find Jungeun again.
Closing the door behind her, she ran down the stairs as fast as she could, stumbling at each turn. Given, a few people did shoot her an odd glare.
Once she was bitten by the twilight wind, pierced with the cold of the night, yet still light enough to not hurt against your skin, she hissed. Wrapping her arms around herself, she began to walk, hoping that maybe Jungeun was always stalking her and would pop out from the bushes at any second. At least then she could convince her to go to her dorm and be warmer. But for now, she walked along the plant life, watching her breath turn into fog in the air.
Jinsoul continued walking, slowly, still scared of falling stupidly as she did yesterday. She recalled being over at Jungeun's apartment once... She squeezed her eyes, trying hard to remember which complex was hers before the thought slipped away. "Shoot," she whispered to herself, feeling herself forget the details of the memory a little more with each passing second. Something about giving Jungeun her sweatshirt after she gave it to her at a party or something..?
Jinsoul sat, head above the toilet as she kept throwing up. No more drinking that much ever again, she decided. But at the time, with her drunken mind, all she could really process was the disgusting taste in her mouth and warm hand on the small of her back.
"Jesus Christ, Jinsoul..." Jungeun laughed. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
"Mm... nooo..." Jinsoul whined, leaning her head against her forearm.
Jungeun sighed, picking Jinsoul up by her shoulders, letting Jinsoul lean her weight against her. Jinsoul laughed, eyes glassy as they looked up at Jungeun. Jungeun didn't listen to anything Jinsoul was saying, only thinking about how the hell Jinsoul was going to get home.
Sighing, she signaled for Jinsoul to hop on her back so that she could carry her outside and call an Uber or something. Once she felt Jinsoul's warm body on her, her legs wrapping around her waist, arms around her neck, she started walking.
"Where are we going?" Jinsoul questioned into Jungeun's ear, almost sounding sleepy.
"Are you tired?" Jungeun asked, ignoring Jinsoul's question.
"Why are you... you even carrying me?" Jinsoul laughed. "Don't you hate me or something?"
"What?" Jungeun gasped, halting her steps, eyes bulging. "Huh- when- Where did you even get that idea?!"
Jinsoul shrugged. "Dunno. Why else would I be annoyed by you?"
Jungeun felt her heart fall silent for a split second. She licked her lips, suddenly feeling as if her mouth were a desert. She pressed her lips into a tight line, thinking a little. "D-do I... annoy you?"
Jinsoul stayed silent.
"Do you... hate me?" Jungeun dared to ask after mustering up the courage.
She felt Jinsoul shake her head in denial. "Mm-mm. How much did I drink?"
Jungeun breathlessly chuckled, "A lot. Stop talking before you say something sober Jinsoul might regret."
"Like what?" Jinsoul challenged with a raised eyebrow, as Jungeun continued walking them towards the front door.
"Like all this time you've enjoyed my company. Or that you actually like me," Jungeun laughed to herself, proceeding to shake her head. "No- even I wouldn't believe that."
Jinsoul laughed along, saying nothing. She watched Jungeun open the door, welcoming themselves to the chilly winter air. She hissed at the cold against her skin, biting her lip to suppress a sound expressing her uncomfortableness with the sudden temperature drop. She huddled into Jungeun a little more, wrapping herself around her body tighter and snuggling her head into the junction of Jungeun's shoulder and neck. Jungeun was glad Jinsoul couldn't see the blood that rushed up to her face because of that, making her ears burn hot.
"Why's it so cold?" Jinsoul whined a complaint.
Jungeun rolled her eyes. She, too, was feeling attacked by the brutal temperature drop from the hot room full of bodies to the open air of a January night- and to top it off, the fresh layer of snow beneath their feet.
"Now I know how you feel when I bother you..." Jungeun murmured under her breath. "What can I do about it, Jinsoul?"
"Well," Jinsoul started before Jungeun cut her off.
"It was rhetorical. Don't answer it," Jungeun warned.
"You can give me your sweatshirt," Jinsoul suggested, continuing despite Jungeun's last remark.
"W-what?!" Jungeun exclaimed in shock. "No!! I'm cold too!"
Jinsoul pouted, "But I'm colder!! More cold!! So cold, I really need your sweatshirt..." Her nose traced down from where it rested on Jungeun's neck to her shoulder, letting her warm breath longer on Jungeun's skin, messing with Jungeun's sanity. "Please?" She asked with a smile.
Jungeun closed her eyes tight, knowing she was only wearing a t-shirt underneath, not anything to protect her from the cold. Hesitantly, she complied, "Fine."
Jinsoul grinned as if she knew Jungeun would give in and hopped off her back, letting Jungeun tug off the warm article of clothing she wore comfortably. Jinsoul giggled when she gave it to her, holding it close to her chest for a second and inhaling its scent.
"..Why are you smelling my clothes." Jungeun blinked, not sure if she was surprised or not. She really needed to tell Jinsoul about how much of a lightweight she was when she sobered up. She laughed quietly to herself when she thought about how Jinsoul would probably react to that.
"You smell good," Jinsoul stated simply.
Jungeun sighed as if she had given up with her. "Alright. Cool. Nice to know."
"I meant that in a non-creepy way," Jinsoul added with a cute laugh.
"Mhm," Jungeun hummed, suppressing a smile. "Look- I'm just gonna call you an Uber. I'll pay. Go home safe, okay?" Jungeun sounded genuinely caring.
Jinsoul blinked at the tone, feeling something warm inside as she registered Jungeun's concern with a small smile. "Yeah," she agreed.
"Good," Jungeun replied. "And- Jinsoul- bring the sweatshirt back, would you?"
Laughing, Jinsoul nodded. "As long as I remember."
Quickly, Jungeun placed a hand on Jinsoul's back, much to Jinsoul's confusion. "My name is on the back of it; it's an old softball team sweatshirt... It's takes a special kind of person to not be able render that."
Jinsoul hummed in agreement, knowing she was probably dumb enough to fit Jungeun's standard of a 'special kind of person'.
Shortly, Jinsoul was alone in a car with some guy in his mid-thirties, somehow finding herself wishing Jungeun was still there- no matter how annoying she might've been; even now as Jinsoul began to sober up just a little. Small talk was annoying and yet here she was ranting to this stranger about the girl who gave her her sweatshirt.
"Y'know... there's this... this girl I know, girl from college. She's my age- well- a few years younger I guess but-"
"Are you drunk?" His voice cut through hers.
"Will you let me talk?" Jinsoul stared blankly at him. "Your job is to drive and listen to my drunken rants so continue doing that. Anyway- where was I? Oh- so, tonight I was at this party... not really anything special... not a good party either... but..? I'm not sure how but I ended up outside with her and I just... It's cold out."
"Uh-huh," The driver mumbled uninterestedly.
"So... I did the most logical, obvious thing to do. Ask for her sweatshirt! And... I don't know. She asked me to return it... but it feels so warm, you know... I kind of- well- get very annoyed by her when I'm sober, though," Jinsoul laughed awkwardly. "Also, this smells kinda good."
"Alright, kid, that it?" He sighed, not caring for her endless rambling.
"I guess. Just wanted to speak," Jinsoul answered, shrugging.
"Hm. Seems to me like you might like her more than you lead on, then. That or her perfume smells really good."
"What!? No! I'm not interested in her like that... No way. Smell this," she suggested, putting her sleeve up to the driver's nose.
"Eh," he said nonchalantly.
"Whatever," Jinsoul groaned, giving up with him, rolling her eyes. "Drop me off here. Did I pay you yet?"
"Yeah, that little friend of yours did."
"Alright. Thanks."
And with that, Jinsoul walked up to her complex, fidgeting with the hem of the sweatshirt Jungeun gave her. She couldn't stop thinking about that dumb thing that man said, how crazy he is for thinking she possibly likes Jungeun.
"He's insane," she laughed to herself as she knocked on the door to her dorm, shaking her head. She couldn't possibly like Jungeun if her light, her hope, her energy- her everything stood on the inside of that door. Even her footsteps sounded pretty as she walked up to the door to swing it wide open, smiling warmly at the girl who she knew it would be.
"Jinsoul~" Sooyoung sweetly singsonged. "My Jinsoul is home~"
Jinsoul couldn't stop her smile that invaded her face quickly like wildfire at the cute jingle emitted from the cutest person. She stretched her hand out towards Sooyoung, silently asking for her to take it and lead her inside; to which Sooyoung understood without even a thought, closing the door behind them.
"How was the party?" Sooyoung inquired, walking into the kitchen after settling Jinsoul on the couch to watch the episode of some game show that played on the television. Jinsoul almost chuckled; Sooyoung always loved watching those stupid game shows. She looked over to Sooyoung, moving gracefully even in the simplest of situations, getting something from the cabinet. She wondered if Jungeun was eating too by now- if she looked so naturally ethereal in every situation like Sooyoung did.
Jinsoul shrugged, despite Sooyoung not even glancing at her in the slightest. "It was okay... Still feel kinda sick. Kinda drunk."
Sooyoung chuckled as she nodded understandingly, "I expected that. I was just making tacos anyway. You can have some. They're a good drunk food- right?"
"Not sure. Probably," Jinsoul replied.
Sooyoung silently continued as Jinsoul watched the game show, no matter how boring it seemed, as she waited longingly for Sooyoung to return with the food.
She stared at the screen, which seemed to turn into a fuzz of nothingness as her eyes unfocused, relishing in her mind instead. She smiled to herself as she remembered Jungeun's endearing hesitance to give it to her. She looked kind of good in a tee- but, of course, that wasn't something Jinsoul would be saying out loud. Something sober Jinsoul wouldn't even think. God, she really needed to eat before her mind wandered deeper into these damned thoughts...
A plate clinked onto the table before her, courtesy of a smiley Sooyoung, seating herself beside Jinsoul. "Take as many as you want, then you can just go to bed. You need rest," Sooyoung insisted, taking a taco and chomping into it.
Following Sooyoung, Jinsoul reached out for the food and ate two tacos in silence before deciding it was best to leave. She said nothing before dragging herself groggily towards her room and falling onto her bed. She sighed happily into her pillow as her eyelids fell instantly, almost feeling Jungeun's presence- which, oddly... felt almost comforting, felt calm. Simultaneously, it felt awkward and somewhat unwanted.
The door creaked slightly open, Sooyoung peering in to look at what Jinsoul had left her for. She smiled, thoughtfully not turning on the light so Jinsoul didn't jump at the sudden brightness. She sat at the edge of the bed, bringing her hand up to rest against Jinsoul's arm.
"You going to sleep?" Sooyoung whispered sweetly. Jinsoul's stomach fluttered at her voice.
"Mm," Jinsoul hummed back in response with a slight nod. She basked in Sooyoung's gentle touch, her soft chuckle, and- as she opened her eyes to look at her- her caring eyes.
"How drunk are you?" Sooyoung questioned carefully.
Jinsoul shrugged, thinking a bit. "Drunk enough to not remember this properly tomorrow," she responded.
Sooyoung laughed quietly before slowly leaning down to be face to face with Jinsoul, staring into her eyes. Jinsoul was her best friend. That was a given; no other bond mattered more than the one she shared with Jinsoul. But there was always this curiosity pooling in her stomach, always this thought slipping into her mind. She knew the most beautiful things came unexpectedly, that curiosity, too, needed its admiration, for it is where each idea began. And as the gardens grew greener in her chest, flowers of reds and blues and violets springing into life, she asked herself more and more who her heart would be beating for, who she could grow gardens for, move mountains for, cross oceans and live and die for. Somehow, there was such an odd, such a tempting thought lingering in the back of her mind, begging for the answer and the relief of its question, Sooyoung just had to know; maybe the one for her has been in front of her the whole time.
Jinsoul's heart began to beat incredulously at the closeness of Sooyoung, ready to jump out of her chest at any moment. Jinsoul inhaled sharply, breathing in the thick air that spun around them. A tension so fragile yet so unbreakable, a fire burning in her chest so warm yet so frightful. Was this actually going to happen? Jinsoul's thoughts ran faster than her heartbeat, inquiries entering in and out of her mind like bubbles being blown and popped. Would this ruin their friendship? What would... What would Jinsoul do without Sooyoung?
Sooyoung breathed heavily, nervously, afraid of scaring Jinsoul away from her forever. She would so much rather stay friends with Jinsoul forever and have these invasive questions in her mind than ruining the best thing she's ever had; their friendship. Sighing, Sooyoung couldn't help herself from moving just an inch closer, feeling Jinsoul's lips just barely graze her own, mind beginning to spin dizzily. She could feel Jinsoul's hot breath on her skin, and she didn't doubt that it was the same case for her with Sooyoung. Her mouth felt dry, lips felt chapped, begging to just close the almost nonexistent space that remained between them. She closed her eyes in unsure thought, considering just pulling away completely and hoping Jinsoul never remembered this. She was so clueless, felt so dumb and clueless when battling her mind.
"Sooyoung?" Jinsoul whispered, her voice just barely there. Sooyoung opened her eyes, looking back at Jinsoul's eyes that still gleamed even in a room with no light. She gave the smallest nod in acknowledgement, giving Jinsoul a silent cue to continue. "Kiss me."
Even Jinsoul was shocked at her own words, but more so when Sooyoung didn't waste a single second after being advised of Jinsoul's want. It was a fleeting kiss, only lasting as long as it took for Jinsoul to register that she should kiss back, Sooyoung pulling away before she could. Jinsoul's lips tingled delightfully, each corner lifting into a smile. Her heart beat impossibly faster, finding herself never wanting what had already stopped to end.
"I love you," Jinsoul confessed quietly, staring into Sooyoung's eyes with so much truth that it hurt. She didn't even have to try and convey that she was being honest, Sooyoung already knew that those words were truthful. She widened her eyes at the unexpected words, not knowing what to do with them. She opened her mouth to speak, but it seemed everything was trapped in her throat; but it wasn't like she was going to say anything Jinsoul wanted to hear anyway. She felt so terrible, knowing she'd be hurting Jinsoul infinitely once she left the room. But... she didn't know if this was what her heart wants. She didn't know if her heart beat fast due to the pressure of the confession or the feelings of the kiss that now lingered tensely in the air. But then she remembered; Jinsoul was drunk. She could just be saying anything. There was literally no possible way she loved her, Sooyoung was silly for even thinking that.
Sooyoung didn't know what to do next, didn't know if her needs were satisfied or unfulfilled. Without a second thought, she moved up from the bed, looking down at Jinsoul before walking towards the door.
"Good night, Jinsoul," she whispered with a smile that could sprout a thousand emotions into Jinsoul's poor heart, feeling impaled by all the sudden feeling that beat so quickly within her chest. She stared up at the ceiling, with tears forming in her eyes as she realized this would never happen again. That what had just taken place was pure curiosity, any feelings being unpresent from Sooyoung and one-sided from Jinsoul. She gripped onto her shirt in frustration, remembering afterwards the sweatshirt that Jungeun had given her.
For sure, she'd hate herself the next morning.
And for sure, she'd hate herself even more when she had to return it to Jungeun.
---
Jinsoul could never remember how she got the sweatshirt or how she even got home that night, yet she didn't exactly care, either. She groaned as she remembered meeting Jungeun awkwardly at her dorm the next morning, having to cross her arms across her chest to prevent forcefully punching herself in the face. The night only seemed to grow colder as her feet reluctantly brought her to the complex she believed Jungeun lived in. She wanted nothing more than to bash her head against the wall she stepped closer and closer to if it caused the cancellation of confrontation between her and Jungeun at her dorm- again.
She wanted to groan in disgust the second she walked through the same doors Jungeun would walk through to enter the building, some kind of frustrating annoyance building angrily in Jinsoul's stomach. She walked up to the man behind the desk, knowing her eyes were dead with no emotion other than pure disgust and hatred as she placed her hands on the table.
"Where does Kim Jungeun live?" Jinsoul asked, getting straight to the point.
"Uh, well- who a-are you?" He tripped over his words, feeling the annoyance that radiated off of Jinsoul.
"Jinsoul. Jung Jinsoul. Where's Jungeun."
"Second floor, room 127..." He answered quietly after looking the student up on his laptop.
Jinsoul nodded, forgetting to thank him before she walked off to the stair case. Of course, there was an elevator, but if it meant elongating the time she didn't have to face Jungeun, then she'd go up each step at an agonizingly slow pace, thankful that no one was behind her on the stairs to yell at her for being a fucking snail.
And even after passing each stair, Jinsoul felt like she hadn't walked slow enough, staring down at the hallway in front of her. She desperately clung onto the hope that Jungeun was not, in fact, in her dorm at this very moment. Dragging her feet down the hall, she twisted her head from one side to the other to look for 127. She took in a large breath of air as she prepared herself for what would take place.
She really was about to set up a date between the person she loves and the one she wished would leave her alone, wasn't she?
It's for Sooyoung, she reminded herself. For Sooyoung. She didn't hate Jungeun, but fucking hell, she hated doing this. It was the last thing she ever thought she'd be doing. She clenched her fists tightly in anger as she passed room 126, bracing herself for the next one. Jungeun didn't even love Sooyoung! Jungeun didn't deserve this chance. But... but Sooyoung did. Sooyoung carried a genuine interest in her- even if they only met today- and not for Jinsoul. She couldn't stop that. Couldn't manipulate Sooyoung's emotions, even if she wanted to. And so badly, did she want to. But if Sooyoung were to ever like her, she'd want it not to be out of force, but out of the same interest she had for Jungeun. Jinsoul wanted to scream and cry as she stood in front of the three numbers that seemed to mock her, but she knew she always wanted the best for Sooyoung. Even if it meant setting her up with Jungeun.
She looked down at her feet, unsure about how she was going to do this. She held her breath, fist raising slowly closer and closer towards the door separating her and Jungeun. She peeled her eyes from looking at the ground, despite all her reluctance and entire body saying no, and forced her eyes forward as her knuckles came down forcefully upon the wooden door.
There was a moment of silence, and before Jinsoul could knock again, she heard footsteps coming closer to the door. She fought away the awkward frown with all her might, seconds seeming like they couldn't pass slower as Jungeun walked closer to the door. Jinsoul's nails dug into her palms, using the last bit of decency in her to smile at Jungeun as the door opened slowly in front of her.
"Huh? Jinsoul?" Jungeun sounded taken aback, questions raising at the odd presence. "What are you-"
"Listen- Sooyoung, the girl you met today... the girl I was with- she kind of liked you. Well- I mean, she wants to get to know you. And, um, she wanted to know..." Jinsoul gulped, swallowing her pride, voice softening. "If you wanted to meet her tomorrow... for... lunch."
Jungeun looked almost as surprised as she did when she noticed Jinsoul's presence at her dorm. "Well, uh, yeah, I guess that can be arranged, but-"
"Cool. I'm not here for small talk," Jinsoul informed as she crossed her arms. "Give me your phone, I'll give you her number."
"What?" Jungeun yelped. "No! I'll get her number tomorrow if I want it!"
Jinsoul raised an eyebrow. "Don't you want to plan anything? You don't even know where you're going. Not that I care or anything."
"You sound like you care more than you let on," Jungeun noted. "Come in." She moved aside for Jinsoul to step in, and, hating every ounce of her being, Jinsoul complied.
She stood in the center of the room, not bothering to sit on a chair or couch or anything. Sliding her hands into her pockets, Jinsoul asked, "Why am I in here?"
"Well-" Jungeun thought for a second. "Tell Sooyoung I'll meet her outside her dorm tomorrow."
Jinsoul bit back a scowl, smiling through the spiraling feeling in her stomach. She nodded in response, knowing that if she opened her mouth, she might throw up.
Jungeun noticed this, tilting her head in confusion. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Jinsoul grumbled.
"But Jinsoul," Jungeun started. "If I do go on this date... What do I get in turn?"
Jinsoul looked at her incredulously. "Gee I don't know. Maybe a fucking date with a nice, pretty girl."
Jungeun shrugged. "Don't care. If I go out with your friend... I ask for one thing in return."
Jinsoul rolled her eyes, sighing, "What?"
"Simple; be my partner in the computer science project..?" Jungeun said, her attempts to sound smug fading to incoherency, reducing her sentence to less of a deal and more of a question.
Jinsoul froze, eyes widening like she didn't believe Jungeun. But, of course, if she really wanted Sooyoung happy... She'd couldn't decline. Taking a big breath, she nodded. "Alright. Whatever."
Jungeun bit back the happy grin, but it still appeared so obviously across her face. "Okay, you can go now," she permitted as she opened the door.
Jinsoul looked up at Jungeun again, not wanting to leave without laying out some ground rules. "Wait," she insisted, causing Jungeun to shut the door. "Just you know, if you dare hurt Sooyoung in any way, I will not hesitate to fuck you up for a damn second."
Jungeun nodded acceptingly, eyes wide and innocent under Jinsoul's gaze. Her hand twitches on the doorknob, but didn't make a move to open it yet. "Y'know," Jungeun began. "You say you hate my company, and yet you keep finding your way back to me."
"I'm going to advise you to shut up now," Jinsoul warned.
Jungeun laughed, "Sorry." She opened the door wide for Jinsoul to exit, waving to her as she walked out. And much to her suspicions, Jinsoul waved back. She closed the door and smiled, shaking her head. She was infinitely happy to be Jinsoul's partner, maybe it even overshadowed the nervousness that came with it. It's so simple, she shouldn't even be so excited. But she never really thought she'd get this chance- even if Jinsoul didn't consider it a chance. Even if it meant dating Jinsoul's best friend, to whom she had no feelings for.
She giggled delightfully, singing some song she heard in a cafe today as she walked with a newfound bounce in her step to her bedroom.
She didn't know how glad she should be that Jinsoul even said yes and didn't slap her right then and there. Jinsoul walked as fast as she could down the stairs and towards the door as she could, cursing under her breath as she pushed the door open to be met with not only the freezing cold, not only the barely seeable sky, but the fucking steady drops of rain that promised to turn into a downpour if Jinsoul didn't hurry the fuck up and get to her room.
"Literally I fucking hate my life," she muttered into her hands that she covered her face with, shaking her head. She advanced away from the building slowly, listening to her footsteps on the ground as she walked to the sidewalk, which, luckily enough, had yet to form puddles on it. Eyebrows scrunched together in anger, she tucked her hands into her pockets as she broke off into a sprint, glad no one else was around to watch her run away from the weather like a weirdo. Her eyes her glued to the ground, making sure there was nothing in her path preventing her from a safe trip home.
Her chest heaved, legs sore as her pace reduced to a jog, rain hitting her skin each second, hair dampening. She scoffed, rolling her eyes at her misfortune. She was sure this was mother earth's way of telling her she fucked up.
Why'd she even accept Jungeun's dumb deal... Why didn't she just fucking ask Sooyoung on a date herself? She could make her ten times happier than Jungeun ever could. And Jinsoul was probably better in other ways too. Jungeun was probably a sad virgin who got about as much girls as a sweaty old guy in a bar. She clenched her fists around the fabric inside her pockets, muttering a jumble of swears at both losing Sooyoung to fucking Jungeun, the damned weather, and the clothes that began to dampen and cling onto her body uncomfortably.
She didn't even want to think of the upcoming project she'd have to do with Jungeun.
She got out her keys, leaving a puddle where she stood without sorrow from the harsh weather outside, glad she was back in the comforts of a warm building. Opening the door, she couldn't even force a smile as she looked at Sooyoung, who was eating chips on the couch.
"Why don't you have the TV on?" Jinsoul asked as she took off her jacket, letting it plop onto the floor loudly, weighed down by its dampness.
Sooyoung looked over at Jinsoul, gasping as she saw her miserable face and soaked clothes. "Jesus fucking Christ, Jinsoul. Could've brought an umbrella," she joked.
Jinsoul laughed, "Nice way to say thanks after I got you a date with Jungeun." She felt her harsh mood almost being lifted as she watched an excited grin grow onto Sooyoung's face.
"Oh! I knew you would do it, oh my god!" She exclaimed happily as she ran towards Jinsoul to hug her tightly. "You're not kidding, right?"
"No way," Jinsoul assured. Her arms found Sooyoung's waist as mixed emotions clashed throughout her body like ocean waves upon the shore. She was glad she made Sooyoung happy. Nothing else should have mattered. But it did. Something else really did matter.
Her heart didn't know whether it was upset or happy, but she closed her eyes and forced herself to smile. For Sooyoung. It's all for Sooyoung, she had to remember. She pulled away, unable to stay in Sooyoung's embrace much longer, stomach tightening with emotions she chose to ignore. She held onto Sooyoung's shoulders, her smile turning sad as she stared into Sooyoung's happy eyes. God damnit, why couldn't she be happy for her?
"Thank you," Sooyoung whispered, nodding. "I love you lots."
Jinsoul's smile only seemed to get sadder. "I love you too."
Perhaps she said it with more emotion than Sooyoung had. But it didn't matter.
And throughout Sooyoung's beaming ecstasy, she couldn't even detect Jinsoul's differed emotions like she normally could.
"We've spent such a long time together," Jinsoul said, gripping onto Sooyoung a little tighter, fighting her gut to let her eyes remain focused and not blurred. "You won't ever forget about me if you start dating, right?" Jinsoul knew Sooyoung wouldn't. She just needed to hear her say it.
"Of course not," she giggled. "You'll always be the one in my heart! No one will ever replace you!"
Her words comforted Jinsoul and saddened her at the same time. And to that, she nodded. "I'm going to change... Sorry for getting your clothes wet, by the way," Jinsoul apologized, looking at Sooyoung's clothes, which had dampened spots from their hug.
"It's literally fine, I can't get myself to care. I'm just so happy!" Sooyoung squealed, spinning around with joy. Jinsoul's laugh was void of emotion, but before any suspicion could be raised, she was off to her room, locking the door behind her- which she had never done before. She always welcomed Sooyoung into her room. She knew Sooyoung wasn't going to follow her anyways, but just in case.
Anger replaced sadness with a newfound frustration, peeling her clothes off her body as she blinked her eyes to keep them without tears. Jinsoul threw on a baggy shirt that probably wasn't even hers and sat on the bed, gripping her sheets tightly. She kept herself from shouting angrily, despite each nerve in her body reaching its peaked stress and madness. She sighed through her nose, closing her eyes softly as her hand felt under her pillow, reaching for her journal.
Okay- yeah, maybe keeping a journal was stupid, but it's better than bottling her emotions up inside. Right?
She took her pen and uncapped it with her mouth, other hand busy flipping to the next free page. She placed the cap next to her as she gripped her pen with an angered force, words unable to flow from her mind to the paper like they normally do. She never really used her journal anymore- mostly just ranted to Sooyoung instead- but she had it since the year she graduated high school, when she still lived with her parents. She had no one to talk to in her house besides the house cat, but that seemed kind of pathetic. So, with the money she got from working at some local grocery store, she bought herself a journal.
She put her pen down onto her mattress and flipped through her first pages, reminiscing the times when her biggest problems were crushing on straight girls and not having enough money for shit she wanted. She could almost forget about her current problems as she read her silly paragraphs of petty frustration that younger Jinsoul battled on what seemed like a daily basis.
She sighed, knowing she couldn't stay mad at Sooyoung for not liking her and turning this into another useless journal rant. She closed her journal and put her pen on her nightstand, turning off her lamp as she slouched down onto her pillows.
And while she might not have been able to smile, deep inside her heart, she was happy. Happy to be the cause of why Sooyoung would be happy.
And maybe that's all that mattered.