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Adora’s sleep had greatly improved since her original cushiony bed with an abundance of pillows at the castle had been replaced with a hard mattress. She was used to the roughness. She knew how to fold her body in order to get comfortable; to make the mattress her own instead of suffocating in feathers. It reminded her of sleeping back in the Fright Zone; it forced her body to recall how to sleep so she was ready for all the brutal training early the next day.
Having Glimmer and Bow share a room with her for a week after she received her new bed was a blessing as well. As she told them, she wasn’t used to sleeping in a room with no one else in it. It made her feel vulnerable and, to be honest, lonely, a feeling she’d been trying to fight off since she joined the Rebellion. Adora grew up sleeping in a room with several bunk beds. She could eventually tell which of her squadmates were walking around just based on the weight of their footfalls. She grew comfortable amongst their snoring and so much body heat in one room.
But... there was someone’s body heat she wished she could feel again.
She and Catra used to share a bunk, Catra on top, but after a few minutes Catra would always crawl her way back down and kept Adora’s feet warm by curling up and sleeping at the end of Adora’s bed. Catra would purr a little as she snored; the sound and the familiar gentle vibrations made Adora feel so safe.
Adora’s feet were always cold now.
And on this particular night after the Princesses had joined together to successfully stop the Horde, to stop Catra, the warmth that Adora missed so deeply kept her from sleeping.
Adora tossed and turned, her eyes shut tight but her lips trembling. She placed a pillow by her feet hoping it could somehow match up to Catra’s warmth, her memory, but soon Adora sighed in defeat and held her knees to her chest.
She was still cold. She was still lonely.
Adora cherished Glimmer and Bow, she really did. They accepted her, gave her a home; gave her a cause worth fighting for.
But her heart longed for Catra in a way that couldn’t be described, and based on the sad look Catra gave her as she retreated from the battle, that longing may never be fulfilled.
Adora sucked in a deep breath. She couldn’t sleep like this. Her thoughts were running too wild. Her heart hurt. Her feet were cold.
Eventually Adora dressed herself and snuck out of Bright Moon to take a walk, hoping the cool night air could help clear her mind. She came to the edge of the Whispering Woods, many of the thick trees unthawed but remained knocked over, and let the moonlight guide her just enough inside that she had shelter from anyone who could have been watching her from the castle. It wasn’t that Adora wanted to be alone, not exactly, but... a part of her would always feel lonely without Catra.
They grew up together. They were best friends. They knew secrets about each other that no one else would ever know.
Adora thought she and Catra would always be together. She didn’t think anything could ever tear them apart. And what hurt even more was that every time Adora tried to talk to her, every time Adora tried to fix things, she just made it worse. She would make Catra loathe her a little bit more.
She would break her own heart a little bit more.
“Hey, Adora.”
Adora hated that her first instinct now when she heard Catra’s voice was to reach for the sword strapped to her back. She widened her stance, her heartbeat speeding up as her eyes scanned the shrubbery for her childhood friend. Her hand shook just enough on the hilt of her sword.
“Relax, I’m not here to fight,” came a voice to Adora’s right, lacking much of its common malice. Catra emerged from the trees alone, her hands raised in a gesture of peace. She left ample space between the two of them when she stopped walking, and her expression and voice softened when Adora didn’t budge. “Please.”
That wasn’t a word Catra used often. It made Adora’s rush of adrenaline leave her just as quickly as it came, her arm falling back to her side. A wave of exhaustion washed over her.
“What are you doing here, Catra?” Adora asked with a sigh. She hated the hardness in her own voice. She didn’t want to speak to Catra like that. Even after everything Catra had done to her since she had left the Horde, Adora never wanted to feel angry at her if she could help it.
“So that’s the tone this is taking, alright. I figured as much,” Catra replied. Her manner wasn’t as annoyed as Adora expected; more resigned than anything. “I’m... um.” Catra hesitated, wrapping her tail around herself like she usually did when she was nervous. “I’m not actually sure myself.”
Adora frowned. “Do you expect me to believe that?”
“No. I just don’t know what to say.” Catra ran a hand through her dark mane, avoiding Adora’s stare. “You know I’m not good at shit like this.”
“Yes you are.” Adora’s frown melted away the longer she stared at the confliction all over Catra’s face. Catra always had trouble being honest with her feelings to herself and to others, she had been taught those feelings were a weakness, but Adora always wanted to hear what she had to say. How Catra felt was important to her. “Please try. I’m not going anywhere.”
Those words earned her a look, one that screamed you already left, and it took every drop of Adora’s willpower not to look away. She didn’t regret leaving the Horde, but she never wanted Catra to feel like she had been left behind.
“Please... please just come back to the Horde,” Catra pleaded, taking a step closer. Her ears flattened against her head, looking much like the scared girl Adora grew up with rather than Force Captain of the Horde. “I don’t want to fight you anymore. I don’t want to have to kill you, but if you keep getting in my way I’ll...”
“Then do it. Right now.”
Catra’s catlike eyes narrowed to slits, her fangs baring at the challenge. But even when Catra’s claws extended Adora made no move to defend herself. She knew Catra wouldn’t hurt her. There was ambition in Catra’s eyes when they fought, a fiery passion, that was far too lacking right now, as if the battle earlier that day exhausted her even more mentally than physically.
As expected, the comment just offended Catra more than anything, and soon she grunted and her claws retracted.
“It would be pointless if you didn’t put up a fight,” Catra said, rubbing her neck and glaring at the ground. “The only way you’re going down is by my hand after a good fight so I can finally get it through your thick skull that I’m stronger without you now.”
The words stung, Adora couldn’t deny it, but there was an opportunity in that sentence she couldn’t help but pounce on, hoping it would get her a reaction she didn’t realize how much she had missed until she heard it when they reunited in the First Ones’ Citadel.
“So what you’re saying,” Adora began, “is that if someone else tried to kill me, you’d protect me?”
The effect was immediate.
“Wha—that’s not what I said!” Catra yelled, her cheeks flushed. “Why would I protect you? You’re my enemy now.”
“Ah, I see.” Adora sighed dramatically, looking away to hide her creeping smile. “You wouldn’t be strong enough to protect me. I get it.”
“Shut up!” Catra snarled, feline ears perked and claws digging into her palms, probably trying to use anger to hide her embarrassment. “I’m strong enough to protect you from anyone!”
Adora’s gaze flickered to Catra’s. “Even yourself?”
Catra froze, her expression softening just enough for Adora to know those words had an impact. The vigour Catra gained from her combustion of fury dissipated like smoke in the wind, leaving behind mere ashes of her emotion. Heterochromatic eyes gazed intently into Adora’s as if hypnotized, like Catra’s world would crumble if either of them looked away, but it was hard to tell what she was thinking.
Adora wondered if Catra caught on to how Adora just admitted that Catra was the person capable of hurting her the most, in every way that term could be used. Not because of her physical strength, but because the bond they used to have, the microscopic thread of their relationship that lingered in a whirlwind, mattered to Adora more than anything, and Catra was the only one that could step into that whirlwind either to protect that thread or finally tear it in two.
Catra’s stance loosened and she let out a deep breath before rubbing the back of her neck.
“I... don’t know what you expect me to say,” Catra said with a wince.
“That’s okay,” Adora replied with a sad smile. “I don’t either.”
It was silent for awhile after that, and Adora lost the willpower to keep looking at Catra so she looked down at the hand she had used to hold Catra’s so many times in the past. This hand didn’t get to do that anymore. The only time it felt weight was when she was wielding her sword, and even though that weight was comforting and empowering, it couldn’t interlock fingers and make her feel cherished.
Adora was chosen to be She-Ra. It was her destiny. But that destiny cost her a warmth that Adora wished more than anything to feel again.
“Why are you out in the woods anyway?”
Catra’s voice shook Adora out of her thoughts, the blonde peering up again at her old friend. Catra didn’t look angry anymore, just curious and cautious and... worried? Was she worried about her?
“I couldn’t sleep,” Adora admitted with a shrug. “When you get used to sleeping with someone there it becomes difficult when they’re... not.”
Adora wasn’t planning to say that, and hearing the words spoken aloud filled her chest with a heaviness she wasn’t expecting. Catra looked conflicted, and she opened her mouth as if she were about to say something, but Adora looked down and heard Catra’s words morph into a strangled noise and a low sigh. Adora never wanted to hide how she felt from Catra, but she never thought standing across from Catra could make her feel as lonely as when she was alone in her room.
It hurt a lot to acknowledge that.
“I never liked sleeping in my bed,” Catra said quietly, sounding more like she was speaking to herself.
Adora responded anyway, and tried to force out her painful thoughts in remembrance of the good times she had with Catra. “I know you didn’t, you were always in mine.” Her voice was laced with gentle humour, and the corners of her lips twitched upwards.
Catra gave her a look that managed to be both challenging and shy. “Did that bother you?”
“No!” Adora replied quickly, way too quickly. She blushed at her outburst before continuing more calmly. “Of course it didn’t. It’s one of the things I miss the most.”
Catra opened her mouth to reply before biting her lip and looking away. Her tail reached up to hug around her waist and she wrapped her arms around herself. Catra looked flustered and melancholic and Adora wanted to help, but she knew nothing she said would be enough. Adora knew if she tried to approach Catra right now when she was vulnerable and defensive it would just drive that sharpened, molten wedge even further between them.
Adora wanted Catra back so badly, so much she knew it would keep her awake for many more nights to come, but she knew forcing things would just make it worse.
And for now, she just wanted peace.
As a cool breeze snaked under her coat and made her shiver, Adora turned and walked towards one of the giant, fallen trees.
“What are you doing?” Catra asked. Adora could sense the way her ears probably perked up as she asked the question.
“I’m tired,” Adora said, releasing a soft noise of exertion as she sat down with her back against the tree, legs outstretched and hands folded across her lap. “Just gonna rest here for a bit.”
“What?” Catra’s brow creased as she took several steps in Adora’s direction. “You do realize I could attack you or Bright Moon at any moment, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Then how do you know you can trust me?”
Catra stopped walking directly in front of Adora and the way the moonlight made Catra’s hair shine yet also painted her skin with dancing shadows made Adora feel a heat in her chest that she hadn’t felt in a long time. Adora looked up into Catra’s glowing eyes, first yellow then blue, and knew that despite everything she would always love this girl, and that she would always fight for her even when Catra wouldn’t.
“I don’t,” Adora breathed softly, relaxing further against the tree. She gazed at Catra with every ounce of warmth still inside her heart. “But I trust the girl I grew up with, and I just hope you can trust her, too.”
Adora knew Catra’s real battle wasn’t with her; it was with herself. And if they were ever to be on the same side again, Catra would need to defeat the part of her that was scared and angry.
And as much as Adora wanted to support the girl she loved, she knew that was a battle Catra had to face alone.
Adora closed her eyes, welcoming the cool kisses from the breeze on her face. She took a deep breath and held it, slowly releasing with her whole diaphragm. She felt Catra’s eyes on her but that didn’t faze her. Catra had a choice to make now, and no matter what it was, Adora would respond in whatever way was necessary.
The breeze ceased to dance. The forest was quiet, yet loud and thick with the tension between the two girls, and even then Adora was relaxed. She would wait as long as she needed to.
“... Idiot.”
The grumbled word caught Adora’s attention just as much as the brush of fur against her leg.
Catra could have made a thousand different choices in her situation, dangerous choices, but when Adora opened her eyes the one thing she was not expecting from Catra was for her to lie down and curl her body over Adora’s feet, her back to Adora.
Just like old times.
Adora bit her lip to stop a sudden sob from breaking past. Her fingers twitched in her lap, aching to reach out and pet Catra’s hair; to show affection to her in any way. Catra’s body was warm, so very warm, Adora’s personal heater, and that heat seeped through her bones up to her chest until it felt like stars were bursting inside her heart.
Adora had missed this so much. She missed Catra’s warmth, her soft breathing, her familiar presence. She missed Catra’s gentle snoring and purring and how she would curl tighter around her feet when she dreamed. She missed having her best friend by her side all the time. She missed always knowing that Catra was okay.
And for a split moment, Adora could let herself believe that nothing had changed. For a split moment, it was just them against the world again. Just the two of them together in their special moment in time.
That thought made Adora sad yet hopeful, and she finally managed to settle fully again and close her eyes, leaning her head back against the tree. Remnants of a breeze swept over her, less cold than the ones before, and she tried to calm the beating of her heart when she felt Catra curl against her tighter, her feet and shins completely consumed by Catra’s warmth.
It was so nice having Catra with her again, even if this moment was all they could have. It cleared up Adora’s mind for the first time in weeks, and she finally felt like she could get the rest she wanted for so long.
Adora wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, but when she woke up, Catra was gone.
And even though Adora felt lonely, her feet still felt warm.