Chapter Text
Saturday, 24 November 2029
Nahyuta calmly sat on the couch in Simon’s living room and read one of his manga. It was about a military division called ‘Pumpkin Scissors’ and was a rather old story with an odd style. Still it entertained the man and he had a good time reading it.
The front door suddenly got unlocked and Simon came in. He had come back from the grocery store and went straight into the kitchen to put away the food he had bought. Then he sat down next to his partner, leaned at his side, closed his eyes while Nahyuta continued reading and they relaxed like this quietly for some minutes.
Then Nahyuta felt Simon moving away and looked up from his book. A strange vibe came of his boyfriend and slowly he put down the manga and waited for the man to start speaking about what was going on.
“I’ve got a question for you”, Simon began seriously.
Sceptically Nahyuta frowned at his partner. He kept his mouth shut waiting for him to go on talking.
“You might have realized that in the two last weeks started sometimes referring to you with they/them pronouns from time to time.”
He paused for a second awaiting a reaction that never came.
“You reacted pretty well on that. I had the impression that you even liked it.
And if that observation was correct, I’d like to know if you would like me to exclusively use they/them pronouns for you. Also, I could start using gender neutral terms for you, if you would like that better than masculine ones.”
Nahyuta said nothing. His expression was motionless and his look still. He was frozen in this moment.
Then out of nowhere Nahyuta’s mimic grew solemnly dark. He exhaled a wavering breath and looked right up in Simon’s eyes. He was prepared to fight.
“Simon, we will not talk about this. I know where you are heading with this and I’m not going to fall for it.”
Confused and mildly concerned Simon eyed his friend up. Nahyuta believed that he had a hidden agenda, that he wanted to trick him? Should he not know that he would never do such a thing to him?
“I do not want to trick you into something, but if you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to”, Simon tried to calm him down and brought some distance between himself and Nahyuta to show that he was not trying to invade his personal space.
But that did nothing to clam Nahyuta down. On the contrary it led to him being even more defensive.
“So, you’re not? Do you actually understand what you just insinuated? Do you? You just said that I would be unhappy being called he or him. You just assumed I was dysphoric about that. What I am not. I do not have dysphoria and you do not try to convince me from anything else, got that?”
Simon gaped at him. This had not been what he had said, but obviously what Nahyuta had read in his words. Immediately he had talked about dysphoria, a word Simon had never used in Nahyuta’s presence and he had never heard him use it either. It must have been on his mind. Which was not a good thing at all.
Before Simon could try and calm him down Nahyuta continued to rant as he stood up and stiffly walked in circles: “Also there is no need for something like gender neutral terms. You know that I am a man, so you can treat me as such.
No need for ridiculous other terms. None at all. Absolutely not.”
“If you say one more time you don’t care about gender-neutral words, I might even believe it”, Simon let slip up.
Shocked he covered his mouth and saw an equally shocked Nahyuta staring back at him. They stared at each other in complete silence, Simon unable to mumble an excuse, Nahyuta frozen in his movements.
Finally, Nahyuta gulped heavily and broke eye contact with the samurai. Weakly he touched his forehead and sighed painfully. It was so easy to look through him, huh?
Frantically, Simon jumped up and walked over to him. Apologizingly, he started saying to Nahyuta: “I’m so sorry. That was not called for or appropriate. I should not have said it and will not let it happen aga-“
“It doesn’t matter.”
Simon flinched back. The monk looked straight up in his eyes. The jade stinging full of anxious regret and shame, shimmering tears welling up in front of it.
“You saw right through me. Again. I don’t know why I ever try hiding something from you. It’s never working, anyway…
…”
Unsure what exactly Nahyuta signalized him to do right now, Simon kept his distance even though Nahyuta’s tears had started falling down now. His instinct was to try and comfort him, but to calm him down had not worked out earlier so maybe he had to try out another approach.
“Why did you start talking about dysphoria. I haven’t mentioned it at all.”
Nahyuta cleared up his eyes with his hands before he looked back up to Simon.
“You’re the one with psychological knowledge. You should know I talked about it because it was on my mind.
And it was on my mind because I read about gender dysphoria several times in the last two weeks.”
“Why would you read about gender dysphoria?”
“Well, because I find it interesting that people feel bad about their sexual organs, chests or own names and pronouns?! Why do you think I read about gender dysphoria?”
Simon did not answer. He did not need to, for Nahyuta did that himself: “I was looking up what non-binary means. And there they also talk about gender dysphoria. They talk about it a lot in fact…
And I know that I don’t have dysphoria. That much is sure.”
Simon frowned deeply at that. Slowly he sat back down on the couch and observed his boyfriend, still standing in front of him. Right now, he was wearing one of Simon’s NASA shirts that was evidently too large for him and boxer shorts. Both made him look smaller and let show the tattoos on his arms and legs, he normally hid so carefully. Everything about Nahyuta was so disclosed and vulnerable in this moment and Simon needed to be gentle with his next move.
“Okay. That’s good, isn’t it? Not feeling anxious about your body or your name and pronouns is a good thing”, he said softly and patted on the seat next to him.
Nahyuta huffed dryly, sat down and answered: “Yeah. It’s a good thing.”
“Very good. What else did you read about? Would you tell me that?”
“That there exist a lot of different words for non-binary genders. A lot of them are fluid and may change over time and so on…
There are more pronouns for non-binary folks like xe or ze and…
…for being non-binary, you need to have dysphoria of some sort.”
“Where did you read that? Wait, no it’s not even important.
Look, being trans or non-binary is not defined by one’s dysphoria. I, as a cis male, cannot understand, even less explain, what makes one trans or non-binary. But trans and nb people can’t tell you if you are non-binary or not.
They are surly better at helping you figuring it out, telling you some criteria and experiences most trans and nb fall under, but they cannot tell you what you need to have or not have in order to be trans or not. The only person who can actually say if you want to use the term trans or nb or both is you. Nobody but you.”
Helplessly Nahyuta gaped at Simon. How could he just know this stuff? It never even played a role in his life before, so why did he have all these details? Where has he looked for it and where had he found it?
Apparently, Simon recognized the burning frustration in Nahyuta’s eyes and reacted fast with telling him gently: “Yeah, I know a lot about this stuff. But I had a lot of time to think about it, unlike you. I’m in this for over seventeen years now and queer folks usually stick together, so you meet a lot of them during your life.
We have discussed with transgender people and non-binary folks a lot. I’ve heard their own opinions and I know how much they can differ.
The important thing with all these labels is that in the end of the day you are happy with yours. If not, don’t use them. You are who you are, with or without them. If you want labels, which help you name yourself to the world, please choose them.
But if they stress you, let them be. There is no obligation for you to choose them.”
Nahyuta looked at Simon in utter distraught. He felt so lost, so unsure of what to do and so helpless. The whole discourse weighted heavy on his shoulders and he was unable to let go of his fears concerning the whole label and its weight. But at the same time... He felt that it fit so much better than man ever did. And honestly, by now he felt so guilty for it.
“I can’t do all of this. I don’t even want to care about it at all! Why the hell does gender even matter? Why is it important at all? How the fuck is it possible that there are so many debates and studies on something that’s merely a construct we made and now act like it had been given to us by the gods.
That gender was something god made. Whose stupid idea was that? Who the fuck thought that this would be a good idea?”
Nahyuta hid his head in his hands, frustration letting his shoulders slump. Gently Simon drew closer and started drawing circles on Nahyuta’s back.
Simon sighed. He hated seeing Nahyuta like this. He hated being powerless. Exhaustedly he pulled Nahyuta towards him and held him for some seconds. Hugging always helped him calm down. The warmth was like medicine to him and he hoped that it would at least help Nahyuta a little.
Sadly, Simon whispered: “I’m so sorry N’yuta. So, so sorry. I wished it would not be this way. I wished people would not care for such stupid things.
I would change it for you and all those who suffer because of it, if I could. But I can’t. Forgive me.”
Nahyuta wiggled himself out of the tight embrace and looked up to the man. A soft smile appeared on his lips and he kissed his samurai on his cheek and then caressed the other one with his left.
He observed how the usual blush appeared in the others face and the strange clarity, which emerged in his eyes as soon as he felt a bit embarrassed. It always made him look so much younger.
Then Nahyuta nuzzled his head into Simon’s chest. With a lost laugh he mumbled into the fabric: “It’s not your fault. You don’t need to try and change humanity for me. I’ll work with what I’ve got. I always did.
It’s just so tiring, you know? When I was a child, I just believed that everything would be clear and logical once I turned twenty. How wrong I was.”
“Yeah. Being an adult will not help you with figuring out who you are. I’m thirty and don’t feel like I’m where I am supposed to be on an emotional level”, Simon answered, while stroking his head.
Nahyuta only nodded lightly. He had begun to cry again. Simon felt the wetness on his shirt but paid it no mind. Crying was a way of letting pain out. To process and grow. It was a good thing that Nahyuta still had the energy to cry. It was good that he could show his emotions.
Suddenly Simon heard the front door click. Klavier must be coming. He had a key to his apartment. Carefully he lifted his head to listen more carefully for the door. Yes, boots were taken off and the chain belt was clattering. It was Klavier.
Protectively Simon put hand on Nahyuta’s ear and asked calmly facing to the corridor: “Klav? You here?”
Hesitantly the blond man entered the room looking worriedly at the two. As he came closer Nahyuta sat up and looked right up at him. Klavier froze instantly. Nahyuta’s eyes were red and puffy from crying, his hair messy and some strains stuck at his face from the tears.
“What’s going on?”, Klavier asked shaken taking fast steps towards them and placing himself on the arm rest of the couch.
“I am not a guy.”
…
Simon’s face was filled with surprise and Klavier had shut down from astonishment. Never had Nahyuta been that clear. Never had they expected him to be this clear. Not after the fear and hesitation he had shown because of a simple dress.
“I… Oh, wow – okay – okay. That’s cool, totally cool”, Klavier started and stemmed his hands on his tights, “This is not weird or anything, it just took me by surprise, but I’ll support you, we’ll support you.
‘Kay? ‘Kay.
Good, good. Now, uhm… so do you know what you are then? More like a woman? Or … do you not want to use a gender?
Am I talking too much? Yes? Would somebody please just interrupt me? I really don’t know how to stop and –“
Simon had stood up shoved him a pillow in his face. It was very effective.
“I like your technique, panda. It’s very stylish”, Nahyuta joked weakly and brushed his hair out of his face.
Simon only nodded and said: “You’re welcome.”
Then he sat down again and waited patiently for Nahyuta to tell if he was able to answer just one of Klavier’s many questions. The monk flattened the wrinkles in his boxer shorts and tried to relax his feet, which had been cramped up.
His mind was clear. His answer was ready. It had been ready for a while now, but only now was the moment to finally announce it.
“I am no man. But no woman either. It would not fit. It never really did, but I also never had the opportunity or time to just think about it, until now that is.
First and foremost, I am a human. But honestly, I guess the term non-binary would describe my gender identity just fine. Something that’s not male or female. Not like my father or my mother but … me.”
Both listeners were surprised yet again. The answer they just got was thought through and felt like there was a lot of consideration behind it. It was not the answer they had expected after seeing Nahyuta weeping desperately into Simon’s shoulder.
“This is very specific”, Simon said while having difficulties making eye contact with Nahyuta for once.
“You’ve read a lot about the different gender identities in the past days. So, you surly came across different terms. Do you want to elaborate or…?”
Nahyuta nodded. He was prepared. He could give them answers.
“Very early in my research I understood that I was neither genderfluid or genderflux. That was clear from the very beginning to me.”
“Uhm? These mean one’s gender changes … constantly?”, Klavier asked shyly while scratching the back of his head.
“In a sense yes. In my understanding both terms refer to people whose gender identity can change from day to day, but also the intensity of their own gender perception might change. Anyway, that’s not me. I feel always the same about myself.
That’s why I ruled these out. Then there are for examples neutrois, agender or bigender. Out of these agender was rather a good fit, since it could stand for somebody who does not care for gender and identifies mainly as a human. But at the same time, it could also stand for someone who has no gender, or a neutral gender and I did not like that. It doesn’t feel right.
Non-binary on the other hand is a pretty wide term and just states that I’m not fitting in the classical binary system. And I like that. Somehow.
I mean the discourse is pretty bad.”
“You mean those who are saying that transness and nb stuff only strengthen the gender binary and that all trans individuals are hurting themselves with their transitions and treatments? Did you read about that as well?”, Simon asked worriedly.
The regretting huff followed a faltering nod.
“N’yuta… Why would you do this to yourself? These people cannot look into your minds. They cannot see how all those humans feel.
Yes, sure, some might regret their transition after some time. Yes, some behaviours and trends in these circles are questionable and definitely unhealthy, but that does not mean that the whole thing is made from the devil.
It’s good to look at the problematic side of these communities and to have a critical look on this, but for finding yourself, this is very unhealthy.
Please, try not to look into this discourse for the next few weeks. You should have seen enough for the moment. Okay?”
“Okay. But I still feel bad for choosing such a problematic term.”
“Just don’t. You’re not harming anyone with it, no matter what you’ve heard. This is for you and nobody else.
So, would you like us to refer to you with they/them pronouns or other one’s?”, Simon asked gently and took the monks hand.
Nahyuta looked at Simon and smiled in his direction. People could say what they wanted but Simon could be one of the cutest human beings he knew. That was why it almost broke his heart when he told him: “I would like they/them pronouns, but I’d ask you not to use them. Not now, at least.”
“Why –“
“If I want to live my gender, to use these pronouns and dress the way I want, I need somebody to support me in Khura’in. And that would be Apollo.
If he accepts me and is willing to help me with it, I would ask you to use they and them exclusively for me, but if not…
If not you should stay with he and him.”
As both men stared at Nahyuta in confusion, he turned his head towards the wall and explained with a small voice: “I do not want to start missing my pronouns in Khura’in. Currently it does not bother me being called he or him, but if you would start using they/them, which I actually like a lot more, I might start disliking the male ones and that would be a problem.”
Visibly annoyed Simon slumped back on the couch and massaged his nose bridge. Meanwhile Klavier looked at the monk in pity. What was there to say? They had no way of helping Nahyuta with this. After all, Khura’in was where he spent most of his life. It was the place where he worked, lived, reigned. Where his family and friends were. He really could not start feeling anxious about going back there.
“Nun gut... I’ll do what you asked. I wished I could do more. But I’m sure Apollo will support you. And if he won’t I’ll gonna leave him. ‘Cause seriously, you deserve to live as the one you are and if he cannot support that, I fell in love with somebody else”, Klavier stated determined and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
Nahyuta shot him a doubtful look. He did not think that Klavier could ever leave Apollo. Still he was touched by the notion and felt grateful for having Klavier on his side.
“Thank you, Klav. I hope Apollo will be on my side... If not – well, I’ve gone through more horrible things. It will be fine, to put it in his words.”
Then Nahyuta turned towards Simon. The man still looked quite tense and it left the impression as if he was rather unhappy.
“And what’s with you? You will accept my wishes?”, Nahyuta asked him to what the man looked up to him.
“You look horribly angry just now.”
At once the samurai threw his hands in the air and blurted out: “I AM angry! I despise this! Why on earth, does your well-being have to depend on other people’s whims? Why do you need their approval?
You are not hurting anybody, you are anything but dangerous or evil! So why do they have to sabotage your happiness?
And I hate it that I can’t change this. I can’t do a fucking thing. Nada. Niente. Rien.
I can’t even argue with your logic! This is so frustrating!”
Frustratedly Simon pressed his arms over his chest and stared intently at the wall. Also, his breathing looked rather heavy but before Nahyuta or Klavier could say a thing the big man already stood up and turned away from them. Neither had seen him this upset in a while.
Nahyuta was about to stand up and go over to his boyfriend, as Simon suddenly said: “I’m fine.”
He turned and looked sadly at Nahyuta. “Do not fret about me. You should not waste your time with such trivial things.
I won’t call you they or them. As you asked. But I don’t think it will feel right anymore, now that I know you would prefer something else…
Please know, if I could, if there was a way, I’d help you. I’d do anything, so you could live the way you feel most comfortable with. So, I could see and love the person you see in yourself.”
Nahyuta looked at him in deep sadness. Again, he realized what a good man Simon Blackquill was.
“Simon, no matter what will happen from now on, I will be fine. I have you and Klavier. And honestly, in the end of the day I can live with you two accepting and loving me the way I am. It’s not that important what the world sees in me, when I know that you see me for the person I am.”
Simon only gave him a look. He knew that Nahyuta believed his own words. But he was not so sure if he really felt that way.
Nevertheless, he went over to Nahyuta and took him into his arms. Quietly he asked him when he was going to talk with Apollo about it.
“This evening”, was the determined answer.
“Really?”, Klavier asked in astonishment.
“Yes. I was going to meet up with him anyway, and now I’m going to address the matter. I’m tired of pushing this away, and just want to get it over. Facing stuff head on is not a too bad method after all.”
Simon only shook his head and went into the kitchen getting them some tea, before Nahyuta was leaving them for the evening. He secretly prayed to the gods that Apollo Justice was smart enough to support his brother. Otherwise, he was not so sure if he would not truly become a twisted samurai…