Work Text:
Hey, it's FP. You know what to do. BEEP.
"Hello, this message is for Forsythe Pendleton Jones the Second. This is Alice Cooper calling on behalf of the PTA. We are looking for volunteers to chaperone the eighth grade graduation field trip. If you are interested (and I’m assuming you’re not), please let me know by Friday afternoon."
"Hello, this message is for Forsythe Pendleton Jones the Second. It's Alice Cooper calling from the Riverdale Register to congratulate you on your new leadership appointment in the Southside community. I’m writing a profile on the Southside and would very much appreciate your input. Please call me back so we can set up an interview."
"Hello, this message is for Forsythe Pendleton Jones the Second. It's Alice Cooper calling from the Riverdale Register to follow-up on that profile I had informed you about. It will be published in tomorrow's paper. Unfortunately, as I did not hear back regarding my interview request, I was not able to include a statement from a Southside representative. If you have any concerns, please direct them to the Editor in Chief, Hal Cooper. "
"Hi FP, it’s Alice. Just wanted to make sure that Jughead passed on the dinner invitation. 6 pm. Don’t be late."
"Hey. It’s me...I’m sorry about tonight. I really really am. I'm sorry for the dinner ambush and for everything that happened to you after... God, I don’t know why I’m even calling. It’s not like you’re going to get this message anytime soon. I just… I can’t believe Keller arrested you. The entire town thinks it's an open and shut case, but I know you didn't kill Jason Blossom. I'm sorry I thought you did. I know the gun wasn't yours."
The user’s mailbox is full. Click.
You’ve reached Alice Cooper’s cell! Please leave your name and number, and I will get back to you as soon as possible. BEEP.
"Um, Alice? I came home to find out that your kid is now living with us. A heads up would have been nice. Anyway, she’s welcome to crash here while you get your house in order. Uh, call me, I guess."
"Hey Alice… I guess you’re actually sleeping for once. Don’t worry, nothing bad has happened - Betty’s fine. I just wanted to check in, see how you’re doing since we did those...errands… the other day. Anyway, that’s it. I should go. Bye."
"Hey, Alice... I uh… I heard about what happened at the musical. Let me know if you want to talk or whatever. I’m here for you."
"Hi Al, guess what? I got fired today! Congratulations, me! Wanna come over and help me drink? Turns out you were right - fuck, you’re always right. I’m just like my old man. I can’t keep down a job, and I can’t stay sober. I should have tried harder and maybe things would have been different."
"Where the hell are you, Alice? I saw sirens heading toward your street which is never a good thing. Fangs was shot and the entire town is currently burning to the ground and I can’t help but worry about you and Betty. Please be okay."
"Pick up, Alice, pick up, pick up. Fuck."
If you’re calling to harass me about the alleged atrocities my husband has committed, go fuck yourself. BEEP.
This user’s mailbox is full. Click.
Hi, you’ve reached FP Jones. Please leave a message. B EEP.
"Morning FP! I didn’t want to wake you this morning - you looked so peaceful- and a note would definitely get us caught. Just wanted to let you know that Polly’s inviting her Farm friends over for a bonfire tonight. She wants to introduce me to someone named Edgar. Maybe you can stop by? Keep me company? I’ll definitely make it worth your while."
"I’m on my way! I’m just making a quick stop at Pop’s. Let me know if you have any special requests, otherwise I’ll just guess. Cheeseburger and fries are always a safe bet."
"Hey, FP, it’s me. I’m sorry, I know it’s the middle of the night. Your phone must be off since this went straight to voicemail. At least I didn’t wake you I guess. I just wanted to talk. Betty… she really scared me tonight, FP. One minute she was fine, and then she was on the floor…. I thought I lost her. She's okay now, thank God. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I’ll tell you about it later."
"FP, We need to talk. The kids know about the Game."
"Can you stop giving me the third degree? You’re not answering my texts, you’re blatantly ignoring my calls, and now you’ve turned off your phone? Classic FP Jones. You can’t ignore me forever. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but I’m not sorry I told Betty what happened junior year. I should have given you a heads up, but it’s not like I planned on breaking the pact. She ambushed me! You claim you understand, but now you’re refusing to let me explain… Listen, FP. I hate that you’re mad at me. Please, call me me back so we can talk about this. I miss you."
Hello, you’ve reached Alice. Please leave a message, unless you’re the media in which case you can shove it. BEEP.
"I hope you’re enjoying your meditation retreat. I don’t know about you, but these three days are going by real slow. I miss you."
"Hi Alice. I’m bored. I keep hoping that you’ll answer one of my calls. You never know, right? One more day..."
"Come over tonight? Jughead’s heading out. It’ll be just you and me, babe."
"Hey, Al, if you’ve the time this afternoon, can you show me how to make that cherry pie? I can’t stop thinking about how good it is. I’ll pick up some ice cream to go with it."
"Hey… so… Jughead just told me that he knows I’m seeing somebody. I don’t think he knows it’s you… then again, you never know with him. Help me, Alice. I don’t know what to tell him. You're good with words. How do I explain to my son that I'm in love with his girlfriend's mom?"
You’ve reached Alice and FP Jones. Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible.