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He tries not to look too eager when he hears the sound of her laughter. Tugging at his lapels, Matt straightens his jacket. It’s been too long since he last met her-almost a year, too long since he last saw that flirtatious smile, and he missed her everyday of it.
He checks his hair in the glass frame of the painting in front of him and preparing himself for a dramatic greeting, turns to face her.
His breath stutters inside his chest. She looks just as gorgeous ever, her curls a halo around her head, the light falling on them just right. Its been ages, really.
For a moment he thinks may be he should wait for Alex to come to him. Something tells him she wouldn’t. His smile drops. May be he shouldn’t either. His heart rebels at the thought.
He doesn’t notice the people standing around her.
As if in a trance, he moves in her direction. The time passed doesn’t matter; she is still his friend. The woman he loves.
It had taken him a while to realise what she had realised ages ago. Like a ghost that refused to leave him, the realisation- the very thought now haunts him every hour of the day. The memory of her broken expression- she had tried to mask it quickly, but he had learnt long ago how to read past that mask- still haunted him. His whole being aches at the thought. He had been blind enough not to realise it earlier, and in his blindness had hurt her.
Alex laughs again, the very sound tickling his insides, chasing away his guilt-at least momentarily- and he feels himself drawn to it.
He comes to stand behind her. She is talking to Peter and doesn't notice him. He indicates for Peter to not to say anything to her. Glancing between him and Alex, Peter simply smirks.
Without stopping to examine Peter's smirk, Matt leans forward. "Hello, Kingston."
Alex almost jumps at that. Turning to face him, she slaps at his shoulder before pulling him into a hug. "Hello, darling."
Joy bubbles inside him. Grinning he pulls her closer, his arms tightening around her waist. He burrows his nose in her hair, taking in the floral smell that always seems to cling to her, that he identifies with her.
"How are you, darling?" She smiles up at him, moving away. His arms feel empty, but he smiles as she places her hands on his arms.
"Great, now that I have seen your pretty face." He grins. He is not even trying to flirt. It's the truth.
Alex giggles, slapping his arm, "Oh you're terrible darling! Do you ever stop flirting?"
She doesn't mean it like that, he knows, but it still stings. Wasn't that the reason for the unspoken distance between them?
"Only for you, love", he manages somehow, smiling bashfully when she gives him a curious look.
"Darling-", she begins, but Matt interrupts her. "Almost a year, Kingston. No calls, no messages?"
"Could say the same for you, darling. I didn't know leaving Who would result in us drifting apart too. I thought we were friends?"
He really has no answers for her questions. As much as he had tried staying in touch, everything had begun to hurt a bit too much. Talking to her, knowing he had let something so amazing pass by him- that he had been so blind- it hurt. Every time he met her, talked to her, he had wanted to scream out loud- tell her he loved her. And to think he had at one point they were just friends. He had picked up the phone countless times, to call her- to tell her. How many times had he chickened out before knocking at door, talked himself out of it.
He tries to smile, managing a half smile. It doesn't escape her notice.
"I was just teasing, darling."
She lightly squeezes his hand, smiling up at him and he feels his heart stutter, losing himself in her eyes. And how many nights had he spent awake wishing he could lose himself in her?
But it was his fault, wasn't it? His fault why he is unable to say anything to her now.
Alex had met him at his flat after they had finished filming the wedding. The wedding and the kiss. They had flirted outrageously during the filming. He had even jokingly called her his wife. Never noticed her soft smile, the way she had leaned into the kiss.
He had still been in a bright mood when Alex had come to his flat, automatically flirting the moment she entered his home. She had smiled, softly laughed, without much flirtatiousness in her words. He had been surprised, but had let it pass. Until the moment she had confessed her love to him.
"I have always thought of you as a friend, Alex."
He knew she had put on a brave face then. The extent of her hurt he had only realised after Steven told him.
She had asked Steven to replace her with a younger actress- one he would be comfortable in working with.
One he would be comfortable in working with? It was just a testimony of how badly he had fucked up. He had been confused about River's absence from Series 7- what kind of a rubbish husband was Doctor, and she thought he wouldn't be comfortable in working with her. Confused why she would think so.
"God, Matt! You are such an asshole! If you had no such intentions, why did you go out of your way to flirt with her- to be around her? Even we thought you were in love with her!"
Karen had almost thrown her shoe at his head when he told her about it. Told her about Alex's confession.
Somehow Steven had convinced her to make an appearance for Ponds' departure. He suspected it was more due to Arthur and Karen's departure.
From the moment he saw her on the location in New York, he had decided to do anything it would take to mend the gap between them. He was not going to lose her friendship.
They had managed to salvage their friendship. It took time, with both of them working at their ends, and they had managed to get rid of the awkwardness and the strain between them.
She was the person he discussed leaving the show with. His mother had tried her best to convince him to stay as the Doctor. He chose to follow Alex's advice.
He had been absolutely fine. Absolutely fine until Steven told him about his plans for River and Capaldi's Doctor.
Capaldi is a great bloke and an amazing actor, and Matt knows- knew even then- him and Alex would have great chemistry. But something about it bothered him, burnt away at his insides. The very idea of River having more role in other Doctor's era than his. He is happy for Alex. Truly is. She loves the show and she is a brilliant River. And there can't be anyone happier than him to see her back. But the idea of another man kissing her had made him jealous.
"Why does it bother you so much if Steven wants to write more scenes between Alex and Peter? He looks hell more of her Doctor than you, anyways."
It was Jenna who had made him realise the truth. He had repeatedly bugged Steven not to keep Alex as 12th Doctor's love interest. Bring River back, but give Doctor someone else. Steven gave him curious looks, but Jenna questioned his repeated insistence, bugged him until he admitted to himself- he is in love with Alex.
"Matt?"
Alex's soft voice breaks him out of his reverie. She gives him a quizzical look, but he smiles and shakes his head. "Nothing, love."
There is that look again; like she is trying to decode his words. It goes away as soon as he notices it. What he fails to notice is the man approaching them.
"Alright there, sweetheart?"
Alex nods, a bit hesitant, not meeting his eye, and that is when Matt realises. He looks at Alex, notices the arm around her waist. He looks away for a moment. Truth is, all men get like that around Alex, but the way his fingers curl around her waist, how close he is standing to her- Matt doesn't need to know anything more. He has lost her. Swallowing, he extends his hand towards the man, "I don't believe we have met, I am-"
"Matt Smith. I know. I myself am a Who fan. Charles; Charles Hawthorne", he speaks, immediately shaking Matt's hand. A warm smile on his face, Charles doesn't look more than late 40s. Matt looks at Alex and then back at Charles. They look happy. Fitting. He hates that. With a half hearted excuse of needing to talk to Steven, he flashes them a smile, and leaves to find Steven.
"I thought it was going to be an "only Who" gathering?" While talking to Steven, Matt slips in his question as nonchalantly as possible.
He forgot how perceptive the scot can be. He gives Matt a curious look, his gaze shifting to Alex, and his stance softens, "You know, sometimes we fall in love with someone who never had intention to catch us. It takes time to move on, especially when you have been hurt by so many, but eventually you do." Taking a pause, he turns to Matt, and continues, "I suspect one of the reasons why Alex didn't want to be in your last series was that she had fallen in love with someone who didn't reciprocate those feelings. May be not on set. And I'm not saying she did, but the way she sounded when I called her to ask her to come back- I thought it was possible. I can imagine how it must have hurt. So when she asked if she could bring a date, I didn't think twice. At least she looks happy now."
The truth stings. He wishes he could go back in time, and tell her what he wants to tell her now. No we are not just friends. We never were. Its always been you, Alex.
He makes his excuses, comes back from the party without saying goodbye to Alex. Goodbyes spell endings, and this one ending he doesn't want.
He leaves the party behind, but the thought stays. He tries no to think of the fingers curling around her waist, but it stings. For one brief, golden moment she was his, and he had been so blind.
He tries to do everything that he can to push the pain away. Goes to every convention, every event he can.
Everything reminds him of her.
The first convention he goes to with Steven and Jenna, Steven mentions being tempted to bring River back.
"Peter Capaldi and Alex Kingston would look like a couple -- that's the thing."
He suddenly feels inexplicably jealous. "Do I get a courtesy email if another bloke is going to have a go at 'my wife'?" He tries to make light of it; glares at the Scot. Doesn't notice Jenna looking at him. Forgets his mother is in the crowd. Ever the perceptive person, Steven immediately gauges his heart, and adds how he is worried about his reaction.
"Matt?" Jenna calls him later, "Are you alright?"
He doesn't want to talk. Playing out Doctor's pain at losing River is a different thing, finally understanding and feeling the same for Alex is different. Funny how things work.
"Yeah. Yeah, peachy. Great, even. Why?" he attempts to sound cheerful.
He should have known Jenna wouldn't give up easily. She implores,"You don't sound so."
"No. No, I don't. To sound so, I need to feel so, and I don't", he softly admits.
"It's about Alex, isn't it?"
"Jenna-"
He begins, but she cuts him off. "Matt, you know you need to call her and tell her. Confess it all to her."
"No!" he surprises himself with the fierceness in his voice, "She is happy with Charles, and I'm not going to fuck with her heart any more than i already have!"
There is a moment of pause before Jenna's quiet voice comes through, "And what about your own heart?"
What about it? This is what he deserves.
"Jen-"
"No, listen to me, Matt. She is only dating Charles. Not exactly a relationship. Definitely not married. The last time she was here- I'd say she still feels the same for you. You need to show her that her feelings are not one-sided. that dumb and slow as you are, you have realised the truth. Seen the light. Don't fuck it up!"
He tries to ignore the words. Hangs out with his friends. When Alex is in town, sans Charles, he happily notices, he hangs out with Alex. Spends every moment with her. Laughs with her. His throat and his cheeks hurt, but laughing like this- with her- feels good. A piece of heaven on his plate. He reluctantly asks her about Charles, mentally dancing when she tells him she has stopped seeing him.
Somehow, its like a stopper has been removed; a trigger pulled. Everywhere he goes, something or other reminds him of Alex. People ask him about River, and he is unable to stop himself. No matter how much he wants to ignore Jenna's, his mother's words, his subconscious mind takes away the choice from him.
At New Orleans, fans ask him how he feels about River with 12th Doctor, and the memory of Charles' fingers curling around Alex's waist flashes in his mind. The very idea of someone else kissing her- he is unable to stop himself before words tumble out of his mouth.
"I'm really possessive over Alex," he says. "I said this to Steven. I was like, 'Listen, just don't! Just not Alex. Anyone else, but don't give River. Don't give him my wife'"
Jenna ribs him about it, but he ignores her. The one reaction he dreads is Alex's, but she doesn't say anything.
She is in London, busy filming Chasing Shadows, when he attends Louisville Comic Con. Fans ask him about his favourite book. How many times had he read Rapture with Alex in his mind? He remembers her thumbing through the books in his flat, coming to halt at the book.
"If any of you have ever been in love with someone who lives a long way away, you must get this book. It’s called Rapture. The first poem is called You."
He ends up quoting the poem, meaning every word from the bottom of his heart.
Uninvited, the thought of you stayed too late in my head,
so I went to bed, dreaming you hard, hard, woke with your name,
like tears, soft, salt, on my lips, the sound of its bright syllables
like a charm, like a spell.
Fans ask him about Doctor and River, and he tells them how Doctor's love for River is unparalleled. Somewhere in his heart is the realisation, its about Alex.
He waits for her to call him out on it. He chickens out from picking up the phone and calling her to tell her the truth. To tell her he loves her.
He attends Calgary Expo with Karen. She shows him Noel's tweets about Alex, shows him the pictures. Unable to resist, he softly traces the image of her smile. Goodness, she is beautiful. Karen smirks and he realises he spoke his thought aloud.
"God, you have got it bad, haven't you, Smithers?" she laughs. "Ooh, I see it now: "someone who lives a long away". I can't wait to see what you do this time."
He dreads it honestly. Still ends up taking Alex's name at every turn. Fans ask him about his favourite kisser, and uninvited, unbidden, his thoughts turn to the memory of her soft, warm lips under his. Even the mere memory of her tongue sliding against his sends a sharp thrill shooting down his spine. And he thinks it really should be obvious who his favourite is. Alex.
He is tired, exhausted even. But its so rare that they are ever on the same side of the ocean. The first moment he knows Alex is back, he knocks at her door, flowers in a hand behind his back. He will tell her. No matter what.
She opens the door, quietly ushering him in. Her silence worries him.
"Alex?"
"What do you think you are doing, Matt?" she whirls to face him, and for the first time he notices her swollen, red rimmed eyes. His heart clenches.
"What the fuck you think you are doing? Is all of it just a game for you? Do you even have the remotest realisation what this all has been doing to me?" There are tears streaming down her eyes, and all Matt can do is stare at her, aghast. She thought he was still toying with her. It hurt, but it is his fault.
"It isn't a game, Alex." He softly whispers and her eyes flash at him.
She closes her eyes, her voice a murmur, "Matt-"
The brief flash of pain on her face is his undoing. Moving closer to her, he softly cups her face, his thumb stroking along her cheek insisting her to look at him.
She doesn't respond, her eyes still closed, teardrops clinging to her lashes. "Matt, please-"
"It's always been you, Alex. I thought we were just friends. I had long ago told myself what I felt for you was a harmless schoolboy crush. With time, I began to believe in it myself."
"You don't have to-", her voice wobbles, and everything inside him splinters.
"No! I have to. I have to tell you this. You can toss me out on the curb after this, its your choice, but right now, I need to tell you, Alex!" His voice is fierce, and Alex finally looks up at him, "We were never just friends, love. I hadn't realised what had been staring me in the face for sometime now. When Steven told how you and Capaldi looked like a couple as compared to me and you, it burned me. All those conventions, people asked me about River, and all I could talk about was how I felt about you."
His voice breaks, tears spilling forth.
"You should have said something, darling", she says in a soft voice, her hands on his chest.
His heart soars at the sight of the love shining in her eyes. Unable to stop himself, Matt kisses her. Her eyes are closed when he pulls back and rests his forehead against hers, his hands moving to hold her wrists.
Bringing their joint hands to his lips, Matt softly kisses her knuckles, "God, I love you, Alex. I love you so much!"
"Say it again", her teary voice sounds, wrapping itself around his heart.
"I love you, Alex. Always have."
She smiles through her tears, and he vows to say it again repeatedly for the rest of his life just to see her smile at him.
"God, I love you too, darling."
He never wants to let go of her hands ever.