Work Text:
By the pain under his eyelids, he knows he couldn’t have gotten more than a couple of hours of sleep. The sudden sit up next to him, the way he shoved away his arm, the faint panting, the shock emitting around. He doesn’t remember.
“Who are you?!” It’s loud enough to actually wake him up, so he slowly opens his eyes. They hurt. He is tired, and he’s not in the mood for this. He sighs and puts his arms under the pillow.
“So you don’t remember?” he mumbles against the pillow. “You know who you are?”
“Of course I do. Who the fuck are you?”
Jimin closes his eyes again. “The love of your life. Please, let me sleep. I am really, really tired, Tae.”
There’s a short silence and Jimin hopes it’s reached him. He thought wrong. “Where am I?”
There’s no sleeping now. Jimin sighs and opens his eyes again. Taehyung looks distressed, like he’s panicking, wary, careful. Afraid. “Hey,” he says softly. “Tae. It’s me. Jimin.”
“That means nothing to me,” Taehyung spits, with a pinch of disgust on his face. It stings for a moment, but Jimin’s witnessed this scene a hundred times.
“I'm your friend, Tae,” he goes slowly.
“How can I know that? How can I be sure you’re not trying to take advantage of me?” only when he’s said that does he look down to see how much clothes he’s got on. He’s in his pajamas. Jimin waits for a moment for Taehyung to relax, to realize not every ill-meaning person would put him in penguin pajamas.
“I am really not in a mood for this, Tae,” Jimin says. “Are you feeling fine? I would never hurt you. I promise. You can relax. You’ve got your favorite pajamas on, you’re warm in the bed next to me, and I love you.”
“Yes, but I have this condition…”
“And I know all about it,” Jimin interrupts. He slowly takes Taehyung’s wrist and watches as Taehyung carefully oversees his moves. “Lay back, relax. You’ll remember.”
“Do I-?” Taehyung gulps. “Do I usually not remember you?”
“Sometimes,” Jimin says. “I worked night shift, and every single day I'm too tired to walk I pray to god that you remember me in the morning, but you never do, not when I'm like this. Other times, you do. More often than not, don’t worry. Lay back, at least until you remember me.” Then, he quietly adds, “If you do.”
Taehyung’s stiff, but he lies down, “I'm sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, baby,” Jimin closes his eyes and snuggles into the pillow, a little closer to Taehyung.
“Jimin?” There’s a sudden tone of recognition in his voice. Jimin smiles, satisfied, and dares to snuggle more in, to touch Taehyung’s shoulder with his nose, and place a gentle kiss there.
“There it is.”
“I- How long have I been awake? Did I forget you, again?”
“Yeah, don’t worry,” Jimin says. “I worked the night shift last night. I am so tired.”
“Did I wake you up?”
“Yeah. You even made sure to accuse me of kidnapping you.” He snickers, and Taehyung gasps quietly. He apologizes again. “Don’t apologize.” He opens his eyes, still painful and pleading for sleep. He watches Taehyung as he examines Jimin’s face, and slowly brings a finger to trace along Jimin’s jaw. Quickly, he pulls away his hand.
“Are we-”
“Yeah, asshole,” Jimin chuckles into his shoulder. “You’re allowed to touch me. But, you already knew that.”
“Yeah,” Taehyung breathes. “I just wanted to make sure.”
“Make sure,” Jimin agrees at the same time. “Heard that one before.”
“You’re so pretty,” Taehyung says and Jimin laughs.
“I will never get tired of hearing that, though.”
“Do I say it often?”
“You say many things very often. You do sound amazed every time you remember me once again.”
“Yeah,” Taehyung breathes. “Because you look like an angel.”
Jimin extends his arm over Taehyung’s torso beneath the blanket. “Mhm, I love you.”
“I guess I love you, too.”
“You do.”
“I'm glad. Do I… How long have we…?”
“Around a year,” Jimin says. “Do you know how old you are?”
Seventeen? “Seventeen?” Taehyung asks once again, like every time Jimin asks that question.
He pinches his side. “Nice try, old man. Twenty-seven. You turned last year. You’ll be twenty eight in December. Also, it’s March.”
“Oh. Nice to know. How long have I been awake?”
Jimin grunts. “Less than ten minutes.”
“And have I forgotten you again?”
Jimin screams inside. He just wants to sleep a little longer. He looks at Taehyung, his perfect skin, lost eyes, examining Jimin and his face; the hands still not familiar enough to hold Jimin’s. Jimin uses his elbow as support to get himself up and place a kiss on Taehyung’s lips. He doesn’t kiss back, just looks confused for a moment as Jimin keeps his face really close to his. He looks him in the eye.
“What was- what was that for?”
“I love you,” Jimin repeats. “I don’t want you to ever forget that, yet you still do. So, I say it as often as I can.”
“This is your second time saying it,” Taehyung smiles.
“Hmh,” Jimin smiles. “It’s third; it’s just that you don’t remember.”
“I already lost my memory once?” Taehyung asks. Jimin’s smile fades, and instead of an answer, he nods. “I'm sorry, baby. You know I love you.”
“I do. Give me a kiss?”
Taehyung smiles before bringing Jimin close by placing a hand on the back of his neck. The kiss comes easily to him, like he’s been doing this his whole life. It’s sweet, the morning breath more or less there, but he doesn’t complain. Jimin’s lips are as inviting as they are delicate, just perfect for the moment.
Jimin’s the first one who pulls away and lies back, close to Taehyung, on his side. “I could do that a million times, and you’d never remember. I could tell you anything, anytime. And you wouldn’t remember.”
Taehyung, in loss of words for anything else, whispers a quiet, “I'm sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I do have to relive every now and then your shock when I tell you how we make money, baby.”
Taehyung frowns. “How do we make money?”
“Yeah,” Jimin nods. “Being a prostitute is not a dream job, but damn it, it’s not like you can do much with that shitty memory of yours. Shitty for other jobs, but perfect for this one, as you never remember the filth that our customers are.”
Taehyung’s face reads an expression of utter disbelief. “We… us, both?”
“Yeah. I think I’ve written you a reminder. You have a customer in…” Jimin looks back to see the clock on the wall. “In two hours. It’s okay, baby. You’ll see it’s no big deal. And since you’re pretty, it’s only natural you get a lot of money. See this room? Nice, am I right? We did that, baby.”
“Oh, my,” Taehyung breathes. “I just didn’t… I never expected that.”
“Yeah,” Jimin laughs. “I'm kidding, baby, still, you won't remember it.”
“Remember what?”
“The jo- never mind. Did you sleep well?”
“Oh. Yes. I guess. I feel refreshed. Did you?”
“No, I worked night shift last night and I'm so, so tired. You woke me up. You didn’t remember me.”
“Oh, I'm sorry for that.”
“Don’t apologize.” Jimin shakes his head. “Wanna know what I do? You usually ask me that.”
“Yes, I was just about to ask you that,” Taehyung laughs.
Jimin makes a wide smile. “I'm a stripper. You got yourself an exotic dancer. The quality of successful men, am I right?”
Taehyung’s shocked again, but Jimin waits for him to make sense of it. He once asked him of the logic that went through his head. He said that he knows he loves Jimin, so him saying he’s a stripper must be something he’s used to telling Taehyung. There it is, the acceptance on his face.
“Were the people rude?”
“Yes, very rude. This one lady got angry at me because her coupon was expired. This one kid that works with me slacks off the entire time. I'm pretty sure he somehow plays Fortnite during work. The manager wanted me to stay extra two hours. Thus why I didn’t get enough sleep, apart from the fact you woke me up.”
“I… what? Did I ask you something, baby? A manager? Where do you work? I'm sorry for waking you up.”
Jimin laughs, ironically, tired. He hides his face in Taehyung’s neck. “Don’t apologize. But, yeah. You asked me what I do. I told you I'm a stripper, but I figured you’d forget that. You already did, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I have this condition…”
“I know,” Jimin interrupts. “I work at a supermarket. I was just trying to complain about my work to you.”
“You can always do that,” Taehyung assures him, placing a hand over his cheek. “Right? You can, right?”
“Yeah. You forget it, though. It’s like screaming into the void,” Jimin whispers. “I say everything, anything, no matter how controversial, no matter how hurtful, and in the end, the only thing you know is that you love me. And that’s enough for me. Although, sometimes you don’t even remember that.”
“Am I nice to you?” Taehyung asks.
“Yes, baby. You are hella annoying, though. I'm not that nice to you. I say a lot of shit to you,” Jimin confesses.
“I…” Taehyung opens his mouth, and then closes it. “I guess I could be a nuisance.”
“You are,” Jimin assures him. He regrets it, the moments he sees Taehyung’s face. So he leans in again, and caresses his cheek. “But I love you, baby, okay? I do. I love you so much. I don’t care that you can't remember some things, or that you sometimes remember a random license plate for days, but not my name.” He kisses Taehyung’s cheek. “I feel bad for hurting you like this, but you’ll forget it in a few minutes, and my conscience will be clean again.” He places a soft kiss atop Taehyung’s lips. “At least – this is the only time I hope you’ll forget it in a matter of short minutes.”
“Do I ever… do I ever remember you for more?”
“Yes, sometimes. Last year, you forgot nothing for two whole weeks. And then, one morning you woke up, and ran away from me in fear. You didn’t even know who you were. Do you remember that?” he brings Taehyung’s hand to his lips, and kisses it.
“No,” Taehyung shakes his head.
“Tell me something you remember,” Jimin says. He’s expecting an answer, but Taehyung suddenly forcefully pushes him away and sits up. He’s suddenly worked up, panting. He’s afraid, but his face goes soft quickly, with a hand over his chest.
“I just- You were a stranger for a moment. Did I scare you? Jim- Jimin?”
Jimin says nothing, but buries his face into the pillow and grunts, muffled. “I hate you sometimes, I hate you so much.”
“Jimin? What did I do?” Taehyung asks.
“Your memory is shit in the morning, Taehyung, okay?” Jimin points an accusing finger at him. “You forget every few minutes, and it annoys the fuck out of me. And I hate it when you go to sleep early, you never answer your phone, and then you wake up at fuck o’clock and I lose my anyway shitty sleep. I just worry over nothing the whole night, and then in the morning I can't sleep.” He’s rambling, but Taehyung looks at him endearingly, a small smile at the sheen of his eyes.
“Jimin, we are lovers, right?” He asks.
“Yes!” Jimin yells, frustrated.
“Then, can I interest you a blowjob?” Taehyung asks and works his eyebrows, laughing out loud when Jimin does, and returns the kisses when Jimin tries to kiss him despite laughing. Jimin kisses his lips, nose, cheeks, chin, kisses his eyelids while Taehyung giggles and makes him stop so he can kiss him properly on the lips.
“We’ll leave that for when your memory lasts a little longer. We don’t want you being scared shitless because of a dick in your mouth every two minutes, do we?”
Taehyung’s face goes blank and serious, and Jimin wants to scream internally. “What?”
“I was just- Sometimes, I really think seriously about killing you. Just taking something really heavy and sharp, and demolishing that pretty head of yours.”
He doesn’t move, but he watches as Taehyung processes what he had just said and how he just nods, and nothing more. Jimin laughs in mild frustration. “You know, funny thing is, although you don’t remember, you make a different reaction every time I tell you that.”
“That you think about killing me?”
“Yes,” Jimin says. “It’s not a rare thing I tell you. You’re my last resort, I have to be with you. Not that I don’t like you, it’s never boring with you, but even man who makes funny dildos for a living gets used to it.”
Taehyung nods, slowly. “So, do you think you’ll actually kill me one day?”
Jimin doesn’t say anything. “I can tell you yes. I can tell you no. Makes no difference.”
“Does to me. In this moment,” Taehyung says. “Do you hate me?”
“I love you,” Jimin whispers. “But sometimes,” he swallows as he lowers his voice, “I wonder if you’d be better off dead.”
Taehyung nods, and looks at the ceiling now. “Those are the times I love you the most,” Jimin says. “When I think that’d be the best for you. And that part of the brain that decides on not killing you, that’s the most selfish part of me. Because I don’t wanna live without you.”
“How long have we-?”
“About a year,” Jimin cuts him off. “Just a couple of assassins doing their thing, I guess.” Taehyung frowns his way. “Yeah, I gotta bring it up every now and then. You forget what you do a lot. But, that makes a perfect assassin. You’re naturally skilled, not something you’d forget. And you forget the client, you forget the target, all in an instant. Your insanity is your get-out-of-jail-free card.”
Taehyung is outraged. “I… kill?”
“We do,” Jimin brings Taehyung’s fingers to his lips once more. “Don’t worry, baby. We’re amazing at it. You’ll remember soon enough. It’s still early.”
“Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?” Concerned voice tells it all.
“Don’t apologize. Yes, you did. I worked night shift last night, and I am so tired. You’re so mean, Tae. I can never get a good night sleep because of you.”
“I'm so sorry,” Taehyung says and squeezes Jimin’s hand. “Have we been up long?”
“I told you, don’t apologize, baby. I love you.”
“Oh, I love you, too, I'm certain,” Taehyung says and kisses Jimin first. “I don’t- I don’t remember much, but I know… You’re beautiful. I must be a lucky man.”
Jimin contently smiles, and closes his eyes in bliss. “I'll never get tired of hearing that.”
“I hope you don’t. Do I tell you that often enough?”
“Hmm. You do, baby.” He hugs one of Taehyung’s arms, making Taehyung smile. “Every time you remember me again, you tell me that. What made you say it now?”
“I just think you're beautiful,” Taehyung says, but there’s still a frown on his face. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you ever get tired of me? Me, being like… this?”
“Just every second of every day,” Jimin answers, but feels the jab of guilt when he sees Taehyung’s face. “But, we have our moments. You forget me, but you always remember me again. Even when you don’t know who I am, you stick around. I know that you know it deep inside. I was really fucked up before I met you – hell, I might still be for staying with you, but I learned how to appreciate the little things in life and cherish every moment with you.”
“I'm glad,” Taehyung’s voice is a little broken. “I'm so sorry. You must deal with me on the daily basis.”
“Don’t apologize. I like you, even when you cheat on me and beat me.”
“What!?”
“I'm kidding,” Jimin says, slowly and quietly, and Taehyung breathes with relief. “I used to be in a relationship like that. I'm glad I found you. It might not be ideal, but sometimes it is. You provide for me, care for me, and love me. And I have everything I need here.”
“Jimin?” Jimin hums. “You can be honest with me. I’ll forget it anyway. Do you love me?”
Jimin nuzzles his nose into Taehyung’s shoulder once again. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I do. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if I'm here just because of the certainty and the fear of going back to my previous life, but then I realize that I fear more leaving you alone, you waking up with a thought of me, one certainty in your life, and then you finding me gone. I would never do that to you. Every morning, you wake up, and I'm here. And that’s how it’s gonna be, forever.”
Taehyung is quiet. “I love you,” he says. But then, he’s gone again, and the slight shade of recognition goes over his face when he looks at Jimin. “Oh, good morning. Did I wake you up?”
“Yes,” Jimin answers, calmly. “I worked the night shift last night, and I am so, so tired. You know what I need? A coffee. The one you make.”
Taehyung smiles. “Anything for you, beautiful.”
It’s uncertain whether Taehyung wants to kiss him, but he doesn’t anyway, before he goes up and out the room. It’s Taehyung’s apartment, the one he’s physically used to. It’s rare that he feels like a stranger in this place, and if he does, like when he wakes up, that feeling fades away really quickly.
It’s never certain how much he’ll remember, when he’ll turn around ask, “Who are you?”
Jimin screams into the pillow. He hates it, mornings, and how lost and dumb Taehyung is, how difficult it is to keep a conversation with him. Sometimes he remembers stuff suddenly, and sometimes he doesn’t. Jimin sure says a lot of shit to him, but he forgets it all – or wants to forget it.
He’d run. He thinks of it sometimes and now even. He could just go up and run away, just go out without Taehyung noticing him and when he comes back into the bedroom, he’d never notice. If Jimin leaves no trace – no, even if he does, Taehyung wouldn’t know.
But he never does. He never runs.
He can't, in a way. He’s responsible for Taehyung, that’s the deal with the doctor, with the bank for all the money Taehyung makes. He could run away with the money. Taehyung would never, ever know.
He lies down patiently, and waits to hear Taehyung’s steps when he comes back. Taehyung stops in his track at the door, the cup of coffee close to his nose when he sees Jimin. He knows it.
“You forgot about me and made it for yourself?” Jimin asks, a little annoyed. Taehyung nods guiltily. He waves his hand, “Give it to me and go make another one. You’ll think it’s your first anyway.”
Taehyung smiles as he hands him the coffee. “Do I make this mistake often?”
“Only every morning, baby.”
“So, you make me make coffee every morning?”
Jimin laughs. “No, just some mornings. Go, go. I want you back in bed as soon as possible.”
When he has nothing to cling on, he forgets fast. That’s why Jimin loves the late nights best, when he goes for an hour, two or three at best without forgetting stuff. Without forgetting Jimin. Without the same old questions. How long have we been together? How long have we been here? What date it is? And once more, how long have we been together?
He can tell him anything. A month, a year, ten years. He settles for a year every single time.
Taehyung is still himself from a few minutes ago, so he happily comes back to bed and snuggles Jimin, covering them both up. It’s a chilly morning. “Do you like your coffee?”
“I do. You make it better than me.”
“I'm glad you like it,” Taehyung smiles.
“Tae? Tell me something, something you remember. Anything.” He’s desperate for this now. There are few things Taehyung remembers often. Like the day they met, their first date, some random moments. He never remembers the beautiful two weeks of vacation they had, and that was the best time Jimin’s had in his whole life. He’s sad that Taehyung doesn’t know.
“Oh, well…” Taehyung frowns in deep thought, he thinks hard. “I remember- oh, yes, I’d love to visit my family. I miss my sister. I wonder what she’s doing now. I can't quite remember her… How old am I?”
Jimin’s heart would break more, if this hasn’t happened for god knows what time. “You're twenty seven,” he says quietly. “You can't visit your sister, Taehyung. We’re in Goyang.”
“So, she’s in Daegu?” Taehyung asks. Jimin sighs.
“She’s dead.”
“What.”
“You can't visit your family because you don’t have any, Taehyung. Your sister is dead, and so are your parents and your brother. They have been for years, for ten years now.”
Sometimes, Jimin lies and tells him he’d book them a flight or buy tickets, or even says they could go in the afternoon. But sometimes, he tells him the truth, even when he watches how pain overtakes his face and how his eyes fill with tears. “I'm sorry, baby. Sometimes you know it, sometimes you don’t,” he lies.
He hugs Taehyung, lets him have his little cry in Jimin’s chest. He’s seen this so many times, he’s lost the feel of it. But Taehyung relives it every time, and Jimin’s heart does break a little as he says, “I love you,” and looks over Taehyung’s shoulder, waiting for him to finish. The lamp on the nightstand, behind Taehyung’s cup of coffee, looks heavy and sharp enough.