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The door shut behind Kevin, but he could still see Wymack’s face falling. He could still feel the anxiety prickling over his skin and making his hands shake, jaw ache. It wasn’t a good conversation. That was all Kevin could think. Whatever happened next would be unpleasant.
No one ever accused Kevin of being a runner, but they all threw the words ‘coward’ out like ash from a cigarette. As the low light of the fading sunset finally disappeared and left Kevin sitting in an unlit stairway, Kevin thought about running. He could crack under the pressure and go back to the Ravens, prove he could play with both hands — more of an asset than he had been when he left. They could take him in again.
Did Kevin want that?
Truthfully, Kevin wanted to belong. Being in the Foxes, standing on his own among the people who all have people to love them, Kevin felt like he was waiting in an airport for a plane that would never take flight. He saw how Andrew and Neil fit together, how they fell back on each other and made an invincible, intimidating team. He saw how Aaron fought for Katelyn and was able to fall in love, despite every circumstance that said he wouldn’t. He saw Matt and Dan, or Nicky and Erik, and how they seemed perpetually happy and so utterly infatuated with one another, never feeling like they didn’t belong. Even Renee and Allison could turn to each other in times of need and know they would be met with open arms.
Kevin held his own hand, fingers locked against each other. He had been alone for so long.
The sun was long gone. There was yelling — angry yelling — coming from Dan, somewhere in the building.
Kevin was so alone.
×
If he could have, Kevin wouldn’t have shown his face to any of the Foxes for at least another few days. Unfortunately, he’d left his phone and keys in his room and had an altercation with Dan on his way to leaving the building.
No one wanted to stop her from hurting him, only from leaving marks where the press would see. Kevin didn’t fight back. He didn’t say anything, even as Matt pulled Dan away. He locked eyes with Matt by accident and felt sick, seeing the disgust on his face.
They all had to sit down, after that. The whole weekend had been too much for anyone to handle and a debrief was in order. Kevin looked around the room to find where he fit in. Dan was scowling at him from Matt’s lap; Andrew was protectively pressed against Neil’s side; Nicky was sat next to Aaron on the couch, both of them clearly upset with the news; Renee was loosely holding Allison’s hand, offering Kevin a small, not quite inviting smile.
Kevin sat by himself on the outside and felt his eyes burning, the lump in his throat growing, as he refused to look at a team he didn’t deserve.
×
Nothing that had been said sank in. It flew over Kevin’s head as he took stock of his life and debated why he bothered. He had a laundry list of grief and nothing to show for it. He’d lost everyone he ever loved and blamed half of it on himself.
Kevin was only a child when Kayleigh Day died. He’d found out from overhearing the radio in the kitchen. When the news reporter had announced that there had been a car accident involving Kayleigh Day, Kevin sat in the far corner of his room with one of his mom’s sweaters pressed to his face.
He was conditioned to accept and care for Riko as his brother. As abusive and evil as Riko was, Kevin found himself reliant on Riko for comfort. Even if it involved beatings, burns, cuts — no one could tell Kevin he didn’t belong at Riko’s side. The last thing Kevin had said before Riko broke his hand was ‘I don’t want to be number one, Riko. Please don’t do this, I’m your brother.’
At 18 years old, or sometime close after, Kevin found the letter Kayleigh had sent. David Wymack was a familiar name with familiar memories, but there was no use in dreaming of a better life. For Kevin, this information was just a punch in the face. He was no longer a child, he didn’t need his biological father (he thought, miserably), and no man would want to father a broken adult.
Thea. The crush Kevin had nurtured had been intoxicating and powerful. She was one of his best friends, before everything. He’d ruined that, though, and broken her heart in the process. Never mind his own.
Kevin lost his future, his career, his greatest achievements, his girlfriend. All in a single swing of an Exy racquet.
He’d lost his place in the world. Everyday was passing like an algorithm, yet he still felt like he was making a mistake. Slowly, though, over time, he began to feel a sense of family within the Foxes. The fear that had prevented him from getting too close to Wymack dissipated. Trust was built.
Trust was broken. Kevin had just lost his family again. What’s the fucking point?
“You’ll catch a cold like this,” Abby commented, jogging up beside Kevin as he walked away from the hotel. “Come on. I’m taking you to eat. I’d like to talk.”
They ended up somewhere warmly lit and smelling of herbs and roast pumpkin. It was the kind of smell that reminded Kevin of his grandparents and the weekends he used to spend at their house. It was so simple back then.
He wondered of they were still alive.
“Hey,” Abby beckoned. “Stay with me, come on. I need help choosing a meal.”
Kevin barely looked at the menu. He ordered soup because it was easy to eat and he didn’t think he could manage a proper meal with his stomach all in knots. Sitting across from Abby, not knowing what she was thinking, made it harder for Kevin to not panic.
“David told me,” Abby admitted. “He said you looked somewhere between throwing up and dying on the spot.”
That sounded about right. Kevin wanted to faint as the very words were leaving his mouth.
“The team seemed pretty upset,” Abby understated.
“It isn’t like they need to try hard to hate me,” Kevin said without thinking. HE closed his eyes and grimaced. “Sorry.”
“No, no. You’re okay. I get it.”
The table was silent for a while longer. It was uncomfortable. Kevin felt like he was at the end of his tether, wanting to rip his hair out and scream and cry. He wanted Abby there, he really did, but every fiber of his being was telling him to run.
“This doesn’t get better,” he panicked. His breathing was short, rapid. Abby reached out and held his hand. “This doesn’t get better for me, but it would be better for everyone if I just—”
Just what?
Who was going to miss him if he left, disappeared, died? Who would pause in their day and realise they wanted him there? Falsely, Kevin had believed that the Monsters had at least accepted him, but now the past years with the Foxes felt fuzzy and fake. There was no one on the team holding him there. Not even Wymack, now.
But where would he go? To Thea? Surely, she wouldn’t let him in if he showed up on her doorstep with a broken hearted apology and a sob-story excuse. The Ravens would be a death sentence to revisit. Riko could (and would) kill him on the spot for causing so much drama and drawing too much unwanted attention. There was no one else, after that. Kevin was a lost soul in a sea of completed people. He was so lonely.
“Kevin, listen,” Abby soothed. “Hey. Kevin. Look at what’s happened. Really look at it. Who’s fault is it that David didn’t know? At the end of the day, whose responsibility was that?”
Kevin trembled, gasping. “It’s not her fault, she had to have a reason—”
“Kevin, don’t protect her right now.”
Tears were falling out of his eyes so heavily. Grieving his mom was one thing, but holding her accountable for the hardships Kevin had to deal with all his life made him feel ungrateful.
“Kayleigh,” he said. “She never told me. I asked where my dad was and she wouldn’t tell me.”
Growing up without a dad was tough. It was worse when Kevin realised his dad would have loved him dearly, if only he was given the chance.
“Abby, I didn’t want to hurt anyone,” Kevin insisted, calming himself enough to speak instead of whine. “I didn’t… The team hates me, I get that, but I couldn’t just… It wasn’t as simple as just telling him.”
“There’s no guidebook for telling a man he’s your father,” Abby agreed, nodding. “I’m not saying you did the best thing possible, but I am saying that you’ve overcome a lot, Kevin, and I understand what kind of anxiety that can create. Don’t worry about the team. I’ll talk to them.”
That wasn’t going to go in Kevin’s favour, but the waiter appeared with their meals and there was no room for argument. They ate in near silence. Multiple conversation starters were thrown at Kevin, but he dodged them and stuck to sipping his soup quietly.
He thought about what he could do if this all went south, but he didn’t come up with anything more than moving far, far away from the U.S.A and starting his life again without Exy. Maybe it was for the best to drop it all.
×
At midnight, Kevin was back in the hallway, listening to the street outside. He envied the people who had close friends and the freedom to laugh. Through the tiny, dirty window, he watched a group of girls stumble by, drunkenly hanging off each other and squealing delightedly. It was as pure as Kevin had seen joy. It was a daydream he wanted to live.
The door behind him opened, but Kevin was far past caring who it was. Probably another staff member, checking if he was drunk, or an non-Fox guest. Kevin just leaned his head against the wall and waited for them to pass.
But Allison sat down beside Kevin and sighed deeply, leaning back on the heels of his palms.
“The team didn’t appreciate Abby’s most recent pep-talk,” she stated.
I didn’t ask her to do it, Kevin wanted to say. Instead, he shrugged. “I wasn’t there.”
“Oh, we know. Yeah, we figured you were probably tied up to a lamp-post outside to stop you from running away.”
Kevin didn’t react. He heard what Allison was getting at, but it didn’t matter. Kevin was stuck in purgatory, he figured he may as well get used to being spoken to like this.
“Not saying anything?” Allison prodded. “Funny. I can’t decide between that’s a first , or typical of you. Seriously, for all the times you wouldn’t shut up about our playing, you really picked your-”
“Why are you here, Allison?” Kevin asked miserably. His voice was mostly a whisper, as though he was just waking up. “Why are you wasting your time?”
“I’m here to piss you off, can’t you tell?”
Kevin didn’t want to tell her to go away. Partly because he knew it would end in a rant about how much he deserved to hurt for what he did to Wymack, but also because he didn’t want her to leave. It was easy enough to pretend they were friends if he just filtered out all the things she said that made his chest ache.
“The team wants to know why you didn’t tell anyone,” she said, not looking at Kevin. “I just had a personal vendetta to bully you.”
Kevin didn’t move. He was so tired and numb, he had no energy to react. “I didn’t tell anyone because it didn’t concern them.”
Allison paused. Maybe she was mentally berating Kevin for being so selfish, maybe she was realising why Kevin was in this position in the first place. “And Wymack?”
The memory of Wymack’s hands beginning to shake, eyes going red with tears he didn’t cry, the hopeless ‘get out’ he said before Kevin had bolted into the hallway and broken down — it all came back at once. Anger and grief flooded Kevin’s veins.
“I didn’t have anyone except for Wymack,” Kevin admitted. “I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want to lose the last person who actually wanted me here.
“I know, it’s hard for him because he missed out on raising his son. No matter what, though, I couldn’t do anything about that. That was Kayleigh’s fault. When I found out, I was already 18 — it wasn’t a happy occasion. No one wants to father an already broken adult.”
“Bullshit,” Allison seethed. “You know Wymack, you know he wouldn’t—”
“Allison, have you ever had to tell someone that you’re their bastard child?” Kevin asked, facing Allison and staring her down, dead in the eye, trained as a Raven. “Can you, at least, imagine it for a moment?”
There was silence in the stairwell. Allison didn’t look so angry anymore.
“I wasn’t ready to tell him,” Kevin said, tears falling over his cheeks, “and now I’m being punished for Kayleigh Day’s mistake.”
Kayleigh Day’s mistake.
Kevin felt that label burn right over his tattoo, where everyone would be able to see it. A bastard and a fuck-up. A broken son.
He stood up and turned to the door, leaving Allison on the stairs. Belatedly, he noticed the audience of Upperclassmen standing on the stairs above them. He didn’t pay them much mind as he continued to walk to his room.
×
The next morning, Kevin was woken up by Wymack. It was just a tentative shake and gruff ‘come on, let’s go’, but Kevin tried to take it as a good sign.
When the rest of the Foxes saw him at breakfast, none of them spoke to him. He felt Allison’s burning gaze and pointedly ignored it to rip his toast up. Eventually, Renee clasped Allison’s hand and averted her attention, and Kevin was back to feeling like nothing had changed at all.
“Kevin,” Andrew beckoned quietly. Apparently, they were sitting next to each other. This was news to Kevin.
“What?”
Andrew paused. “Check your phone.”
Frowning, Kevin pulled his phone out and raised his eyebrow at One New Message.
From — Andrew: I don’t blame you.
Kevin only frowned harder.
From — Andrew: Proud of you.
Oh. That was...nice. Kevin read those message over and over, trying to figure out where the sarcasm might have been, but he couldn’t find it. Andrew really meant it.
“Thanks,” Kevin whispered.
Andrew didn’t say anything else, but he gave Kevin a small nod. It was enough, for that moment, and Kevin didn’t feel so alone anymore.