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You’d counted about 47 now. 29 reddish, 14 yellow, only 4 still green. There was still time, at least. Winter was your favourite season, but late autumn ran a close second. The snow and chill hadn’t quite set in, but the house was filled near-daily with the scent of pumpkin pie and crackling firewood. Hopefully that would be a bit more frequent now that he would be home.
You were perched on the edge of your mattress, feet gently rocking back and forth on the wagon at the foot of the bed. You guided it carefully to rest above a dark stain on the floorboards; hopefully Toriel would be too occupied the next few days to notice. Maybe you’d even get a chance to clean it up first. Normally, she’d be understanding of these things, but with the holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s - coming up so quickly, she insisted on keeping things as neat and tidy as possible.
It wasn’t just the holidays, anyway. The last six months had been some of the strangest of your life. You’d always hated summer - beside the heat, the constant urging to go outside and spend time in the sun grew grating - but that just passed had been particularly bitter. Summer break was lonesome for you at the best of times, but Asriel leaving for college had left home and yourself feeling hollow and absent.
Asriel. You wondered whether he’d already taken to being referred to as Mr Dreemurr. The fanfare for his departure had made the pain of him leaving sting that much more. Sometimes, it felt like he had left already - sure, he’d insist on dragging you along to all the farewell parties being thrown, but eventually he’d be lost in the crowd, leaving you to fend for yourself in a crowd of his friends. His colleagues. His people.
You couldn’t deny you were happy for him. He deserved to succeed. You wanted to see that, too. Having shared a room for nearly 12 years, you’d seen him at his best and worst. You’d seen him stay up in the living room to the wee hours of the morning, tracking references and citations for his projects. You’d seen him stumble to his bed and nearly collapse to sleep after finishing his last exams of the year. You’d even stayed up with him for nearly an entire night the year before, the young goat unable to sleep as he waited on college admissions. You both spent the night playing countless games of chess; Asriel was the grandmaster, naturally, but the focus and memory required at least seemed to take his mind off the tension.
Still. That was all in the past. Asriel was all grown up now, out of the house and heading on his own adventures. You’d stayed in touch, but the nature of long-distance communication wasn’t the same. Occasionally you’d simply never receive an answer to his messages. His social media just enhanced the fact that he was out living his life, and you weren’t. Even the absence of little things - like Asriel squeezing your arm in encouragement - seemed to just carve out a bigger void where he’d been in your life.
You snapped from your thoughts as you heard the familiar sound of Toriel’s SUV pulling onto the driveway. It was a beast of a vehicle - the matter of being the only human arriving aside, the sheer scale seemed to turn heads when she dropped you off at high school. Still, it was something of a relic from better times - Asgore and Toriel riding up the front, you and Asriel in the back, your bikes stowed in the trunk. A big car for a big family, and your parents clearly needed the breathing space - though you often wondered if it was you and Asriel or each other who they needed the most space between.
You slid from the bed as you heard car doors slamming and voices from outside. You couldn’t tell what was being said - they seemed to be unpacking the car - but you’d recognise the tone anywhere. Sighing deeply, you ran your hand through your brow, furrowing as your bangs flopped back down - Toriel had insisted on you looking your best for Asriel when he arrived home, but maybe he’d prefer you looking the same as you ever were.
Making your way downstairs, you peered across the landing toward the living room, leaping the rest of the way as you saw your mother and brother enter. The loud bang as you hit the floorboards served well enough in drawing their attention, Asriel beaming as Toriel glared.
“Kris! I told you not to jump on the stairs!” She called out, already back to fussing and looking over Asriel’s bags. The younger goat, meanwhile, took no time in striding across the room, slapping his hand against your back as he embraced you. “You look so different!” He exclaimed, holding you out at arm’s length before pulling you in for another hug. “I love that shirt! When did you buy it?” You weren’t sure if he was teasing or genuinely had forgotten, but you didn’t have the heart to tell him Toriel had given you it from his leftover outfits after he’d left for college. You didn’t want to ruin the moment, for his sake at least.
Glancing back to Toriel, she seemed to nod in approval as you and your brother released your embrace, evidently happy that she wouldn’t have to deal with two hotheaded siblings in her living room. Folding over Asriel’s jacket, she pushed two of his suitcases in your direction, one finding its place at your feet. “Kris, could you please help Asriel unpack? I need to get dinner in the oven.” Pulling out her phone, she frowned for a moment before sighing and depositing it back in her pocket. “...And apparently your father will only be staying for half an hour, so I need to get started soon.”
Asriel sighed and stared at you. You could only do the same. You’d both agreed to take on complimentary roles in convincing your parents to at least see each other for his arrival home; you, speaking with your mother; Asriel, your father. Asgore had received the simpler task for a reason - it took very little to convince Asgore to come on board once Toriel was involved. He was a sweet, if hopelessly persistent, old goat. Your mother, if also hopelessly persistent, had substantially less positive thoughts. You’d had to speak to her for weeks before she relented on your plan, agreeing to at least save him a half-serve so you could all have a meal together.
Grunting lightly as you grabbed Asriel’s suitcase - you must have drawn the short straw and received the book bag - you heaved it onto the first step, trying to keep it balanced on the ledge. Asriel rolled his eyes back slightly as your mother exited the room to the kitchen, grasping ahold of both suitcases once she’s left. “It’s okay, Kris, I can handle it. I already had to get them down four flights of stairs at college anyway.” Inhaling deeply as he pulled up both the bags, he trudged up the stairs, allowing you to follow closely behind.
Your room suddenly seemed a lot less cavernous as you both entered, Asriel staring around with a soft smile on his face. “At least you didn’t decide to decorate.” He joked, brushing up against you as he pushed his bags into the corner of the room. “Screw unpacking. I’m only back here ten days anyway.” Pulling out his phone, he sighed, taking a moment to snap a photo of the room before apparently sending it off to somewhere. Turning to you, he smiled, sliding his phone away. “Do you want to go watch something? Or did you have plans? I’m easy.”
You were stuck for a response. There was a block between your brain and your voice and you couldn’t find your way to force around it. You’d spent countless weekends wondering what he’d suggest if he were here, lonely mornings waking up without the gentle drone of his little bleat-snores, and long silent nights slumped in front of the TV, forced to keep all your witty commentary to yourself without him around. There was so much to say, so much to offer him, and yet none of it came forward. Then again, how could such a huge gap be bridged?
Asriel seemed to notice your anxiety, reaching out to squeeze your arm as you gulped. “Ha, I know how it is, Kris. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to catch up recently.” Sighing, he walked over to your bed, dropping down to sit on the edge. He fell silent for a moment, staring over at some frame or certificate on his opposing wall, deep in thought. “I knew college would be huge, but jeez... It just takes over you.” Shaking his head, he patted the sheets beside him softly, motioning for you to sit with him.
“Thank you for looking after mom so much these last few months, Kris.” He said as you took your seat, bracing your hands behind you on the bed as you stared at the ground. “I know things were pretty busy up until I went away, but you know how it was with the divorce...” He trailed off, shaking his head as he turned to face you. “I know dad really appreciates you helping her. Obviously, he’d rather be to the one doing it, but he knows how things are.”
Your stomach knotting up slightly, you nodded with a soft smile nonetheless. Asriel was forced to take a significantly greater degree of responsibility for you after the divorce, particularly as your mother was forced to take up her teaching job following the separation. Packing lunches, helping with homework, making sure you were up for school - all this fell to Asriel. While he seemed to understand the necessity of his duty, you always felt a sense of guilt for forcing him to grow up before you - your childhood seemed to come at the expense of his.
Asriel had made the best of his situation, though - his tutorage of you had greatly enhanced his academic success, having won dux of your school along with a scholarship to one of the most prestigious colleges in the country. He was disciplined too; he’d been an openside flanker on the school’s First XV, and his scholarship offers had included military academies. He remained a sensitive soul, though; he was bookish and was just as happy to spend time with you at home as he was with his older classmates. You wondered how much of this came from your upbringing, and how much arose simply due to his sweet nature.
Struck uncomfortable by the silence, Asriel’s eyes wandered, eventually appearing to fall upon the small bookcase incorporated in your nightstand. You were never one for libraries, and most of your schoolbooks came straight from Asriel’s extensive collection. All that sat on the dusty shelf were a few old faded yearbooks, a mint condition copy of some classic novel, and...
“Ha, you still have this book?” Asriel cracked a smile as he reached down to retrieve the heavily creased book, the cover almost worn from the spine. “How to Draw Dragons.” He announced, wiping down the cover. It presented a gray-scaled female dragon standing on a rock, staring defiantly at something before her as she clutched a battle-axe in both hands. You blushed; you’d always hated when Asriel noticed you reading this book.
“I can’t believe you still have this!” He chuckled, flipping it open and browsing through the well-thumbed pages. “You always said you’d lost it... I’d believed you, you borrowed it from the library so much.” Laughing as he apparently remembered something else, he set the book down, trying to stifle his giggles. “When you told mom what it was about, she paid the restocking fee on the condition that you never went to the library unaccompanied again!” Burying his face in his hand for a moment, he shook his head, grasping to pat at your thigh.
“Oh... I’m sorry, Kris.” He murmured, eventually starting to settle down from his giggling fit. “It always just reminded me so much of that girl in your class, Susie. Is she still around?” Your face blushed red again, phone suddenly burning a hole in your pocket. Still. No time like the present. Slipping your phone out, you tapped it awake, turning the screen to face Asriel.
Your phone background was a photo of yourself and Susie at a nature reserve near your home; you were squatted at her feet, as she raised a large stick in the air with both arms. You’d both been wandering through the nature reserve that day, and Susie has come across a remarkably solid stick; at least the diameter of a soda can, and nearly a foot taller than Susie herself. A smaller branch curved out from the top of the stick, curving out back toward the top giving the branch the crude shape of a battle-axe.
You couldn’t explain why you were so attached to the photo, but it had been your phone background since nearly the time you’d arrived home that afternoon. Susie had asked a park ranger to take a photo of the two of you in front of a small creek; she’d told him to take a photo of ‘her and her boyfriend’. Your long, straggly hair had never been quite so useful; concealing most of your strong blush in the shot, though it had been enough to bring a wide smile to your face. Neither of you had ever addressed the title; personally, you thought things were better that way. It was just all part of the adventure.
Asriel looked agog at you even as his face began to merge into a wide grin, staring rapidly back down at your phone. “Is that... Do you two...” Eyes going wide, he pulled in close, dropping his voice to a whisper, “Does mom...” He sighed in relief as you jerked away suddenly, shaking your head in faux-disgust. “Okay, sorry, it’s just...” He blushed slightly himself as his smile returned, reaching out to squeeze your arm. “You two look pretty cute together.”
The blush seemed to rally back to you, as you reached out to gently push him in chest - even if you’d meant to repel him, though, you doubt you could have moved him. He giggled in response, appearing to take mercy on you - he easily could have taken the push as a signal to play-fight; though it was significantly more fun for him than you. “I’m surprised you’re hanging out with her now, Kris. Last I remember, I had to arm wrestle her after she rammed you into a locker. She really put up a challenge, too.” Smirking cheekily, he reached out to wrap an arm around your back, patting your opposite shoulder gently.
“That’s good though, Kris. It seems like you two really enjoy spending time together. I know you’ll do the right thing.” He smiled, though his eyes didn’t seem to follow, gazing back to focus on the myriad of trophies, certificates and medals on his wall. “There’s been a lot of changes, I guess.” He said softly, his smile starting to fade. He released his arm from you, drawing it back to balance his elbows on his thighs, resting his head in his hands. “Fuck.”
The curse startled you; you weren’t adverse to foul language, but you were so used to your brother’s natural charm and eloquence that its bluntness stopped you short. Sensing the sudden weight on Asriel’s shoulder, you reached back to wrap an arm around him, leaning down to his level and turning to stare him in the eye. “I dunno, Kris.” He said simply, glancing at you before turning back to stare at the floor. “I thought college would be an even bigger adventure than here, but... it’s just all so different.” Frowning deeply, he shook you off and reached back into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled, folded sheet of paper.
You were confused. And Asriel’s tone gave you cause for concern. While both of you had spent time in and out of the principal’s office, in Asriel’s case it was usually by invitation - save for the day of the arm wrestle. The point was, he was more than a model student, he was an enthusiastic one. He was virtually the school’s face of the student body; smart, strong, disciplined. You remembered being stuck in the living room for hours, your tie fixed in a rough knot by Toriel at the last minute, as college evaluators came to meet with the star pupil. If Asriel wasn’t thriving at University, something was seriously wrong.
“Asriel Dreemurr. Student Number 24601. Freshman, Mannix College.” He read our dryly, seeming to lear at the document as he read. “Dear Mr Dreemurr. As a result of your failure to achieve satisfactory progress with your major (BSci, Botany), the Academic Dean has recommended you for temporary probation. Your rights of administrative appeal are detailed overleaf.” He formed a half-hearted scowl as he folded the letter again, his face quickly falling back into a sad gloom. “I’m going to have to repeat my first semester.”
You were shocked, but felt a faint twinge of familiarity. Asriel had grown more distant toward the end of the last few months, but in the times you had been able to speak to him, his schedule seemed a bit arbitrary. Some days, he’d be cooped up in his dorm, shades drawn as he tried to piece together rate-of-change equations. Others, he’d mention his 7 hours of straight lectures, joking to you about how his roommate had recently acquired an attention stimulant prescription. Often, he’d upload photos from the college’s greenhouses, carefully detailing the regimens he places upon his floral assignments to ensure their best development. Point was, he always seemed to be busy.
“I just didn’t realise what I was getting into.” He murmured, settling back into his slouch as he stared at nothing in particular. “I thought I could easily stand out in college, but this curriculum... It’s so much different from high school.” He turned to look to you for sympathy, if not a solution. “The college is amazing, but everyone’s just... It’s not what I’m used to.” He frowned, apparently displeased with himself. “I guess I kind of assumed it’d be just like here. Where I’m always the smartest guy in the room. It just doesn’t count for anything out there.”
He sighed in melancholy, looking back up to stare at the ceiling, focusing almost as if he were staring through to the sky above. “And now here isn’t even what it used to be, either.” He glanced up at you suddenly, eyes panicked. “Sorry. That wasn’t meant to be about you.”
You shrugged, not having detected the insult. You understood Asriel’s frustration. The constant endeavour to succeed, and equally consistent harsh crash back to reality. In a way, the last six months had felt like an extended, drawn-out version of that. The expectation of life without Asriel, and the crushing reality of its actual transpiration.
Leaning over, Asriel reached out to embrace you, closing his eyes softly as he drew you into a warm hug. “I’m sorry for carrying on, Kris.” He murmured, rocking you back and forth as much for your sake as his. “I just feel so much pressure to excel, and having to bottle all that up, well... I just don’t know who to talk to about these things beside you.” He seemed to tense, pulling away suddenly, withdrawing to himself as he gazed down somewhat bitterly. “Ha... And now you’re even growing out of that too.”
You frowned. Even if you didn’t know how to say it, if there was one thing you were willing to do for your brother after all this time, it was be there for him in his time of need. Struck by inspiration, you drew from the bed suddenly, stretching over to slide open the drawers in your nightstand. Rummaging around, you grasped upon an old photo frame. Digging it out, your heart warmed immediately upon seeing the photo. Drawing back to the bed, you placed it in his lap, holding on tightly to the photo as he took it in his own hands.
It was an old print photo, certainly taken before digital cameras and social media were common. The lighting wasn’t great, but the figures were still clear. It was the two of you, nearly a decade younger, seated in the diner near your house. You both were reaching out to the camera, a broad smile on your faces. You were crowned with a headband of two small horns; about the same size as those beginning to sprout from Asriel’s head. Flanking the two of you were your mother and father, Toriel and Asgore, their own arms reaching over to rest on the other’s shoulders.
Your focus was interrupted by a sudden splash on the glass of the frame; Asriel withdrew to wipe his arm across his face, sniffling slightly. “Ah... Sorry.” He murmured, wiping his glasses on his arm. “I remember that photo, though... That was 5 years since you joined our family.” He could barely help but grin, nearly helpless to lean in and hug you tightly. “It’s okay, Kris. I’ll be fine. It’s just been a long trip here.” He sniffled again, in spite of the small laugh that followed it. “I guess things really always have been changing, huh?” He said, somewhat to you, somewhat to himself. You simply nodded in understanding, returning the hug as deeply as you could.
You both hugged for a little longer than either of you would otherwise have been comfortable with; at the present moment, though, it seemed totally natural. You both seemed reluctant to pull away, Asriel keeping his hand on your shoulder to rub it slowly, turning on his hip to face you fully. “I knew you’d turn out alright, Kris. I was worried about what would happen to you when I left for college, but, well...” He stared down again, first to the book, then the letter, then the photo. “I guess there are still things we can learn from each other.”
The moment was somewhat broken by the sound of Asgore’s truck bouncing across the kerb, the engine revving wildly as the wheels left the ground. Asriel simply shook his head and laughed, staring back toward the door. “I guess dinner must be nearly ready. C’mon, we should go downstairs. You can help mom and I’ll stop her from killing dad.” You both held the embrace for a moment longer, Asriel sighing as he squeezed your arm. “I asked her to make something special for tonight. Snails in butter sauce. Our favourite.”