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I hate theme parks.
They are full of snotty kids, annoyed parents, and fucking funnel cakes. Those pastries have been the bane of my existence ever since I upchucked one at the county fair. And I don’t care how many orgasms they give your taste buds; those things are the fucking devil in the form of fried food. But you know what I hate more than funnel cakes?
Motherfucking Jean Kirstein.
Out of all the guys Mikasa could have chosen to form an attraction to, she picks my fucking arch-nemesis. Okay, arch-nemesis is a little harsh. Frienemy. Yeah, that fits better. It wouldn’t be that bad if… wait, no. This is bad anyway I look at it. It would be more… tolerable if she didn’t force me to attend every fucking date they went on. I don’t understand why she can’t get it through her head that we are not conjoined twins, and I do not need to be continuously monitored by her damn constant surveillance. For once, I can’t blame Jean for this; because I know he hates it just as much as I do. I mean, who wants to be a third wheel in watching some asshole try and preform a ritual mating call on your sister?
Apparently me according to Mikasa.
“Eren, which ride do you want to go on first?” Mikasa’s voice pulls me out of my daze of self-pity and back into the world of cheap thrills and fucking funnel cakes. I run a hand through my hair, silently praying that maybe she’ll get the hint that I don’t give two shits about what we ride.
She doesn’t.
A long, drawn out sigh escapes my lips as I answer, “I don’t know, Mikasa. Maybe we can ride the carrousel. I’m sure Horseface would love to see his antique brethren.”
“Fuck off, Jaeger.” If there is one pleasure I can draw from this nightmare, it is annoying the shit out of Jean. I begin to quip back, but Mikasa’s narrowed glare silences the insult before it even leaves my throat. I start to feel a little guilty for ruining the beginnings of a very awkward date, but shit. She forced me to go to this weird rendezvous. If anything, she should blame herself for underestimating my ability to be a little shit.
Mikasa lets out an annoyed huff as she starts, “Fine, I’ll just pick something.” Her eyes scan the theme park map looking for a possible candidate. I know they’ve found a winner when the orbs begin to light up in excitement. “How about the Colossal Titan?” I shrug my shoulders, trying to emit as much disinterest as possible.
She grabs Jean’s hand as she begins to walk towards the attraction. My lip curls in disgust at the sign of affection. I should be used to this considering they have been dating for a month now. But shit, I’m not. I’ll never get used to Mikasa so freely exposing herself to someone besides Armin or me. Call me jealous, because even though I would adamantly deny it... that is a spot on definition of what I am. And I shouldn’t be. I should let Mikasa make her own decisions without my shitty inputs. But whether I want to recognize it or not, I care just as much about her as she does me. And that means I do not approve of her dating insensitive assholes like Jean Kirstein. But… if he makes her happy… then, I guess I don’t mind that much.
I narrow my eyes as his hand slides from her hand to waist.
No, scratch that.
I fucking mind.
---
I should have known the line to the fucking ride would be as long as the goddamn yellow brick road. I can feel my patience wearing thinner the longer I wait in the queue. I could kill whoever decided to put the lines so close together. And I mean murder. With a fucking rusted spoon. It’s not like it is hitting in the hundreds today or anything. With this weather, God must be silently answering every prayer I had to become a human bacon strip.
Thanks, man. You're like fifteen years too late.
The only time I had that stupid wish was when Sasha convinced me how awesome it would be to turn into food. I should have known the sneaky carnivore was just planning my demise so she could partake of a life-size bacon strip. We were fucking weird in second grade, okay?
How Mikasa and Jean can stand to snuggle up so close together beats me. Here I am, practically sweating the equivalent of the fucking Pacific Ocean; and these two love birds are smothering each other like peanut butter and jelly. Fucking teenagers. Jesus, now I sound like an old man. Given, the scene in front of me is really testing my gag reflex.
I cup my hands around my mouth as I yell, “Get a room you fucking hippies!” Jean pauses in his quest to grope Mikasa’s ass, opting to turn a very embarrassed expression my way. The sight is enough to make this entire trip worth it. Jean’s face is painted with a blush that doesn’t look like it’s going to come off anytime soon. Mikasa isn’t faring any better, besides the fact that the narrowed glare she is shooting me entails certain death.
“There are kids here. Watch your fucking language, Jaeger.” I sincerely hope the talking animal isn’t being serious right now. Well, no. Actually, I hope he is being as serious as a fucking heart attack in the hopes that my brainwashed sister will somehow be released from her state of confusion. Ah, but no. She obviously agrees with the idiot’s brilliantly worded observation, shooting me a physically painful death glare.
I throw up my hands in defeat. Whatever. If she wants waste her time around the Kentucky Derby’s finest, then so be it. I’ll just stand here and keep my mouth shut. Let her dig her own grave.
It’s easier said than done.
When Jean starts to get handsy, I feel myself start to slowly reach the limit of bullshit that I told myself I could handle today. It’s one thing having to be surrounded by crying children, the scorching summer heat, and fucking funnel cakes. But it’s another thing entirely when I have to witness Jean’s hand try to weasel his way beneath the hem of Mikasa’s jean shorts.
“Jean, I swear to god I will amputate your fucking hoof if you don’t get it off my sister’s ass.” I smile as I see his hand withdraw from its mission, quickly morphing into a clenched fist. In my scrutiny of Jean’s PDA, I have failed to notice that we have made it to the front of the line. Fucking finally. Just as the equine is about to quip back, the attendant at the gate is asking how many are in his party.
He grits as teeth as he speaks, “Two. And only one for this asshole behind me.” I smirk in silent satisfaction as I see Mikasa elbow Jean in the ribs. It’s good to see that not all of our family bonds have been severed.
As we are escorted to our seats, I remember that oh yeah, I’m a fucking third wheel. Since I’m the lone ranger of the group, I’m obliged to be grouped into the section of single riders. Basically, I’m forced to be partnered with someone who may or may not be the world’s worst roller coaster partner. Fuck. Here’s to praying that I don’t get a screamer… or one of those who thinks that their lunch is going to reappear at any moment.
I am ushered into my seat, next to me a man who looks just as thrilled to be here as I am. I stay silent as the attendant buckles me in, not really wanting to make conversation with the man beside me. I mean, shit, he looks more pissed than me, dark hair framing a pair of annoyed eyes. Very attractive, annoyed eyes. My palms start to sweat as I fasten my hands around the straps crossing my chest, allowing the lap bar to secure me into my seat.
“I swear to god if you throw up on me, I’ll shove my fist so far up your ass that people will start calling you Kermit.” I gulp as I turn my head to face the owner of the deep voice. I’ve never been one to think things through. I’ve always thought actions spoke louder than words, so it really shouldn’t surprise me that I didn’t give an attempt to contemplate the risks of making eye contact with this man. He’s like a dog that’s already marked its territory, patiently waiting for someone to attempt a seizure of his lands. And shit, isn’t it like bad juju to make eye contact with dogs you don’t know? Isn’t it a sign of intimidation? That you want to fight? As soon as my emerald orbs connect with his overcast greys, I immediately regret it; because holy shit, I do not want to fight this guy. Do. Not. Want.
He’s staring at me with a look of pure despondency plastered across his face, silver eyes tapered into a threatening glare. I want to look away, to cease and desist this apparent plight against this man’s territory. But I can’t. It’s like his eyes are tempting me and threatening me at the same time; and fuck, if my mind is not extremely confused at the situation.
I open my mouth to help reassure this guy’s faith in me that I won’t be sick, but all that comes out is a bunch of mumbled words that in no way form a coherent sentence. “Uh… I’m a… I’m not sick… good?” Oh my fuck. I have never begged for death before, but I will totally embrace the asshole if it gets me out of this awkward situation.
The aggression laced in those silver eyes quickly dissolves into some sort of amusement as the man’s lips upturn in a sinful smirk. “Right…” I want to hang myself with these straps wrapping around my body. Anything would be better than having to endure this crushing embarrassment that I am ninety-nine percent sure has become palpable in the summer air. Finally, I hear the sounds of the coaster awakening; and soon, the attraction begins to move forward.
Thank you, Jesus.
I refuse to make any noises as the ride begins to incline. I’ve already embarrassed myself enough, and I don’t really want to add any girly screams to my resume with this guy. I take a chance to glance at the man to see if he looks frightened. Hell, if he is showing any type of fear it will make me feel a little better about this whole ordeal. Obviously, this man is made of steel; because he is still carrying the same aggravated look he was wearing when I took my seat… except now he has noticed my staring and has taken to smirking at me out of the corner of his eye. I wish I was joking when I say that I literally squeak as I sink back into my seat. Any amount of dignity you had, Eren, is long fucking gone. Congrats.
The sensation of weightless soon fills my veins as we descend the hill. The wind is pushing its fists into my face as the coaster soars through the air as if it was a bird in a past life. I’m actually starting to enjoy myself, the breeze flying through my brunette locks; the screams of the passengers sounding like a perfect symphony to this joyride.
Then, it stops.
Like legit fucking stops in midair. We are currently hanging upside down, midway through the last loop of the attraction. Is this part of the ride? Because it’s been a good thirty seconds, and we are still frozen in place. People are screaming to multiple deities, and fuck if not I’m a little worried about that time I stole Jean’s lunch money in third grade. Another thirty seconds passes before I realize that this must be some kind of malfunction. You know what? Fuck everything I said about enjoying myself. I try not to look down, but it’s either that or make eye contact with the undoubtedly pissed off man beside me. I weigh my options, trying to decipher which one will be less problematic for my health. I turn my gaze to the man beside me, and holy shit, wrong choice. Wrong fucking choice.
I attempt to avert my stare, but the guy’s words cause me to pause in my retreat. “At least we are going to die quickly.” He’s gazing at me with those fucking overcast eyes, black hair hanging vertically in the air. And shit, would it hurt this guy to be a little optimistic? Well, I guess he is being optimistic, but shit if it’s not the most morbid sense of the word I’ve ever heard.
I scoff, acting as if I am not petrified that I might be meeting my maker sooner than later. “We’re not going to die.” Apparently this is enough to earn me a hard flick between the eyes. My hand darts up to massage my throbbing temple, because fuck this guy is stronger than he looks. Well, no he looks pretty strong.
“Stop being a little shit. Of course we are going to die. If the fucking hundred foot drop doesn’t kill us, the weight of the hunk of metal we are attached to will, you fucking twat.” Hundred foot. I chance a glance down, because fuck everything I told myself about not looking down. Fuck. Yeah, I’m dead. And my last moments are going to be spent with this albeit attractive, asshole.
I decide to be frank. If these are my final seconds on this planet then I am not holding anything back. “You are an asshole.” The guy’s looking at me like I’m sucking on a pacifier, waving a rattle. Okay, so I probably could have come up with a better comeback. “We are not going to die.”
He sneers, crossing his arms over his chest; which does look as funny as you think upside down. “Whatever you say, brat.”
I narrow my eyes, patience wearing thin. “It’s Eren, you prick.” I don’t expect for him to reply, seeming to be the kind who gets easily annoyed. But he surprises me.
“Well, then it’s Levi to you… brat.” Levi. The name suits him. I roll it around in my mind. Levi. “And you’re no charmer either.” I don’t think it could be humanly possible for me to narrow my eyes any further at Levi.
“Out of all the people I have to die with…” I shake my head as I contemplate what my parents will do when they find my stash of… er… adult products under the bed. I turn my gaze to take in my partner in death. Shit, at least he’s hot. Smoldering eyes, perpetually pissed off glare. Fuck, maybe I’m just attracted to angry in general. I mean, there was that one guy…
“Are you done fantasizing, Eren?” The way he says my name sends a shiver down my spine and a blush on my cheeks. It sounds almost sinful, even though I’m sure he didn’t mean for it to come off that way. In the short time that I’ve known him, Levi seems about as smooth as a gravel road.
“I’m not fantasizing, Levi.” I know there is no way my reply came out as dangerously sultry as the asshole’s beside me. But shit. I never claimed to be Casanova, either. The silence starts to turn awkward, and begins to become more suffocating than the fact that I am going to most likely going to die in a few minutes. “So…” And fuck if that didn’t just make it ten times worse.
“You don’t have many friends do you?” Okay, fuck you and your incredibly good looks. I refuse to answer the question, because I know he’s right. I decide to instead act like the bigger person and ignore him. That’s right, I’m ignoring him. My age has just been decreased by at least ten years. “I would say I was joking… but I’m not.” Fucking…
My hands start flinging around wildly. “I have friends! I have plenty of friends! I just got pulled on this stupid date with my sister, and now I’m going to die next to some asshole who wants to point out that no one likes me! No, wait. Everyone likes me! I’m Eren goddamn Jaeger!” My arms are now dangling limply in the air; and I’m breathing heavily, feeling exhausted from spewing my emotions to someone who is without a doubt going to throw them right back in my face.
“You’re on a date with your sister? Gross.” Oh my fuck. I give up. Any attempt at conversation is obviously invalid with this jerkwad. He starts to chuckle, happy at his ability to get a rise out of me. “Shit, kid, I’m fucking joking.”
I poke him harshly in the chest. “I’m not a kid, you fuck. I’m twenty years old.” I begin to retract my finger, when his hand grasps my wrist. Eyes turned into slits, I begin to think that the roller coaster is not the way I am going to go out.
“You need to work on your anger, Eren goddamn Jaeger.” He says as he releases my wrist. And fuck if he doesn’t sound just like Mikasa. I didn’t want to come on this shitty ride to be nagged by some Mikasa incarnate… actually I didn’t want to come on this shitty ride at all, but that’s beside the point.
I sigh as I let my hand fall back into its upside down position, “I know. My sister tells me all the time. I just… I don’t know. Things just set me off really easily.”
Levi scoffs as he rubs his chest. “No shit.” I smile at his reply, completely forgetting that oh shit, I’m still a hundred feet above the ground. "I got dragged here, too, if it makes your little teenage heart feel any better. I hear those things are pretty fragile." Shit, no it doesn't make me feel any better; but at least it does explain why Levi looked so pissed. Well, he probably always looks pissed. "My friend pulled my along with her boyfriend, so I guess you could say I'm in the same boat as you... Unless, you really are dating your sister. Then, you're fucking disgusting." I can't help but smirk at the odds of both of us being forced here. I guess misery does love company.
"I'm not dating my sister, you pervert." I say as I scrunch up my nose into a disgusted sneer. When he doesn't reply, I glance up to see nothing but the black metal of the roller coaster. If there is one thing that went right, it's that this coaster is blocking the sun from scorching us alive.
“You know if you weren’t such a little fuck, you wouldn’t be bad company.” My eyes widen as I turn back to Levi. He’s inspecting me with those silver orbs, running tracks up and down my body. Wait, is he checking me out?
“Are you… I mean… what?” My words are coming out jumbled, because I’m flustered. Flustered, may I add, over a guy I was ready to rip out of his seat and throw into oblivion seconds prior. Mom must have dropped me on my head as a child, because my brain is fucked.
Levi laughs as he answers me, “You’re not bad for a little shit. I mean, if it wasn’t for the fact that we are about to die, I’d probably ask for your number.” Oh. Oh. Oh, shit. Well, damn if the gods didn’t bless me with the worst luck known to man. First, they make me come to this shitty park. Then, they send me to my death only to dangle Levi right in front of my face. I really shouldn’t have stolen Jean’s lunch money.
“I… well… uh, yeah. Me, too. I mean, shit! No... I’d want your number.” Oh, god that was literally the most painful string of sentences that have ever left my lips. I’m prepared for Levi to recant his previous statement, because I’m nothing short of a hot mess. But he doesn’t. Instead he settles for poking me gently in the cheek.
“Brat.” I’m about to reply, when suddenly the coaster jerks. Oh fuck, it’s actually happening. We’re going to die. I know I’m probably way out of my bounds for a guy Levi just met, but I reach my hand across to his seat and stealthily interlock my fingers with his. Shit, this is really cheesy. I expect for him to shake off my hand, preferring to die alone and not with some kid he met less than thirty minutes ago. But instead, I’m granted a tight squeeze. My eyes reach his, and unlike the fear that is probably dancing in my emerald orbs, I see something totally different in his. Acceptance. Like he is okay with death. And… I guess I am, too. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, ready for the end.
And… it doesn’t come. I squint open one of my eyes, making sure that yes, we are still hanging upside down a hundred feet in the air. Instead, I’m greeted with the blur of the scenery around me as the coaster begins to move at its normal pace; and before I know it, we are back to the loading docks. We’re alive? What? I look at Levi with incredulity, and I find that a playful smirk has made its way onto his face. Over the intercom, I hear the attendants apologizing for the malfunction, offering full refunds of our tickets at the service desk. Thank god. This park cost me almost a day’s worth of work. I’m still looking at Levi when our straps begin to unfasten, and out of the corner of my eye I can see Mikasa sprinting towards me.
“Oh my god, Eren! Are you okay? I saw your coaster get stuck after Jean and I were loaded into our seats. And-“ She pauses as her eyes fall upon mine and Levi’s interlocked fingers… oh shit. Her look quickly evaporates from concern to suspicion. I swiftly try to yank my hand away, but Levi’s grip ceases my actions. My head whips around to him, eyes widening in an attempt to warn him that my sister is a little… overprotective. He obviously doesn’t get the message. Or, maybe he does, and he is trying to be a little shit; because he not only doesn’t release my hand, but he makes direct eye contact with Mikasa. I see her eye start to twitch, and I feel like if I don’t intervene soon that a brawl might start.
“Uh… this is Levi…and we thought we were going to die… so.” It’s a shit excuse, and I can tell Mikasa doesn’t buy it. Finally, the lap bars are unlocked and raised, forcing our hands to separate. I hastily move to get out of the coaster, fearing any further prodding from my sister will result in a full blown meltdown. I turn to her, eyes pleading. “I think we should just go home. Sorry for ruining your date.” She nods grudgingly, making her way towards the attraction exit with Jean in tow. I’ll give it to Horseface, he knows when to shut the fuck up when Mikasa’s involved.
I turn back to Levi, offering him a hand to get out of the ride. I pull him out, and holy shit he is short. He can obviously read minds, and I refuse to believe otherwise. “I swear if you make a short joke, I will throw your ass under that coaster.”
The corners of my mouth upturn into a mischievous grin. “But then you’d never get my number.”
My smile widens as Levi reaches down to intertwine our fingers again, a small grin appearing at the corners of his cheeks. “Brat.”
Suddenly, a scream pulls my attention off of the man. "LEVI!" A woman with an absolutely manic look is rushing towards us, dragging along a petrified man behind her. Finally, she reaches us, hands pushing together Levi's cheeks like a child. "Oh, Levi! I was so worried! Moblit saw the coaster get stuck, and I just knew you were going to die! And I was so upset, but a little part of me was excited; because I know you said you were going to donate your body to science, and I've always wanted to know what goes on in your mind and-"
The man behind her pulls her off of Levi with a sharp tug. "Hanji... dear... I think that it's best to not remind Levi of his near death experience." Just as she seems like she is about to relent 'Hanji' notices our interlocked fingers.
"Ah! Levi! You never told me you-"
Levi's free hand slaps over her mouth. "Shitty glasses, I swear to god I will fucking burn down your entire lab if you continue that sentence." I can hear Hanji faintly mumbling something underneath Levi's hand, obviously trying to pry for more information. "I'm catching a ride with Eren, so don't wait up." Wait, wait? Since when was I taking Levi home? I shoot him a questioning glance, but the imploring look in his eye forces me to stay silent. With that, he begins to drag me away, leaving the echoing pleas of Hanji in the distance.
I catch him staring at me as we make our way out of the ride, and I can’t help but think that maybe theme parks aren’t so bad. The sunlight hits me as we finally exit the deathtrap, and I see Mikasa standing with Jean in the distance, ready to pick up our ticket refunds and leave the park. I’m almost to her when I smell it. Fucking funnel cakes. Nope, I take it all back.
Fuck theme parks.