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Behind the cover of a hundred push-ups, Jimin hides. His insides are twisting, twisting, twisting, curling into spasms of red and pink and orange. SPASMS OF RED AND PINK AND ORANGE. If he closes his eyes, he can envision it, the constant grimace of a body full of organs that are unwanted and unloved, a wasted space in a body whose owner yearns for it to be empty. With a tight chest and a low grumble in the pit of his stomach, Jimin hides behind his push-ups and wills his organs to keep twisting.
They're in the practice room, with blank expressions. Seokjin has messed up all the steps, and Taehyung started crying halfway through the choreography, but they both kept on going. Maybe that's why Jimin feels like such a failure when his ears start to ring.
He knows he's going to pass out if he doesn't stop; the ringing and the tunnel vision and the numbness in his legs is telling him. His organs, who feel betrayed, are warning him. 'No more, Jimin' they plead, EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY, 'We're all out. We can't'. Jimin feels like screaming, but he's sinking to the floor, head hung, while his stomach mourns itself. Loud rumbling fills the silence, and there's a second of starved energy before the others stutter into action. STARVED AND EMPTY PLEASE JIMIN. Hoseok is ringing someone, Jungkook is getting pale, Namjoon is scrambling through their backpacks for protein bars, and the others are doing... something.
A thin, happy Jimin perches in his mind. It teases: 'You're not worth the attention they're giving you. They have to put up with you-' EMPTY RUNNING ON EMPTY '- their affection is charity, but it'll be real when you're beautiful.'
Namjoon approaches, a protein bar clutched in his hand, and he grimaces. He's talking, but Jimin can't hear it. Maybe there's so much fat on his body, that it's gathering everywhere, even inside his ears, and stopping the sound from getting through. He itches to get up - he needs to lose more, eat less, struggle through. It's okay, he's okay. It's a diet, nothing to worry about. A few skipped meals, a handful of fasts, throwing up in the bathroom after lunch, constant leg tapping to burn more calories when he can't move around more vigorously. He's so obese - like a dripping glob of wax - that he deserves it. Every second of pain is deserved.
YOU'RE RUNNING ON EMPTY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY RUNNING ON EMPTY UNLOVED UNLESS YOU'RE EMPTY EMPTY RUNNING ON EMPTY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT EMPTY IS THE BEST WAY STAY EMPTY TO BE LOVED
Beside him, Yoongi begs. He begs him, to at least drink something except water. "You're skin and bones, Jimin" He complains, cold hand wrapped around his thigh. It doesn't go all the way around. So he needs to preserve himself, protect his image from the ugly person that he is. No one can know. No one can know how empty he is.
With calculated accuracy, Namjoon sets the protein bar in Jimin's hand. "Eat it." He says, stern.
NO ONE CAN KNOW BUT YOU HAVE TO BE EMPTY
EMPTY
HAVE TO BE EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY
"I ate earlier," Jimin replies, hand closing around the bar. His knuckles are chapped. All of his skin is dry, and his hair is falling out. EMPTY. It will be worth the pain. "I ate a big lunch. Don't worry about me."
The others share a look.
THEY'RE SYMPATHETIC BECAUSE THEY FEEL SORRY THAT YOU'RE SO UGLY COME ON BECOME EMPTY BECOME EMPTY TO BECOME LOVED LOOK AT HOW WRONG IT ALL IS LOOK AT HOW UGLY YOU ARE LOOK AT THE FOLDS OF SKIN WHEN YOU PULL THEM OVER EACH OTHER EMPTY EMPTY IF YOU WERE EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT YOU DO NOT DESERVE HOW WELL I AM TREATING YOU YOU'RE UGLY UGLY UGLY TIME TO BECOME EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY SO EMPTY TO BE SO LOVED
The music is still playing. Some of the members who have been struggling are looking between each other, deliberating. Jimin can read their silent language. They are deciding to pick their dancing over Jimin. That's okay, he deserves it.
He must be empty.
Namjoon's hand closes around Jimin's upper-arm, wrapping around it perfectly. He even has space afterwards. EMPTY LEAD TO THIS HE MUST LOVE BEING ABLE TO BARELY HOLD YOU LOOK AT HOW MUCH BETTER IT IS TO BE EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY PLEASE STAY EMPTY LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE. His eyes are sympathetic as he retracts his hand straight after, afraid of being too rough and breaking Jimin, shattering him into a million pieces. NOW LOOK HE'S DISGUSTED BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EMPTY EMPTY ENOUGH YOU'RE A FAILURE YOU WEIGH SO MUCH THE TENANTS BELOW YOUR APARTMENT MUST BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU WALKING AROUND BECAUSE YOU'RE SO HEAVY AND FAT AND UGLY YOU MUST BECOME EMPTY SO EMPTY YOU COULD FLOAT YOU MUST WEIGH NOTHING BECOME EMPTY NOW JIMIN IT'S TIME TO BECOME EMPTY.
Tears pool in Jimin's eyes. "I ate so much earlier, Namjoon. I can't eat anymore," He gasps around a sob that catches in his throat. His stomach growls, demanding respect, but Jimin pleads and pleads. "I can't, I can't, don't waste time worrying. You have so much to do, please. Please don't worry."
Yoongi, the tough man that he is, looks gentle as he crouches beside Jimin.
"Jimin, please," His words are quiet, as light in the air as Jimin will be if he keeps on going. "You need to eat. For us, for you. It's just a protein bar."
"A protein bar with over 400 calories," Jimin spits, tears running down his cheeks. EMPTY JIMIN EMPTY JIMIN. "I can't eat it. Yoongi. Let me go, let me continue. I'm holding you all up, I'm so sorry, please forgive me."
They're all quiet. Jimin's words hang in the air like noxious gas.
Seokjin speaks, his voice soft. "Jimin..."
They're all lying to his face, pretending to care, like they'd be sad if he wasted away. UGLY JIMIN FAT JIMIN FULL JIMIN. He only wants to be empty, to reach his goal weight, and they're stood in his way, with fake concern. JIMIN PLEASE I BEG YOU BECOME EMPTY FOR ME FOR ME TO BE LOVED YOU MUST BECOME EMPTY. The only sound in the room is the faint hum of outside traffic.
The voice in Jimin's head stops, and then it says something Jimin never thought it would.
DEAD JIMIN
Something in the air shifts. Jimin's shoulders tense and hunch, and he imagines it. To be the right kind of empty, so empty that he cannot even live. DEAD JIMIN IS THE BEST KIND OF EMPTY JIMIN JIMIN BECOME EMPTY YOU WOULD LOOK PERFECT AS AN EMPTY DEAD JIMIN PLEASE.
It makes Jimin break down, as if he was dying right then.
EMPTY EMPTY
EMPTY
EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY
EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY
EMPTY
EMPTY EMPTY
DEAD.