Cover Illustration: “ A SURVIVOR IS BORN… - Tomb Raider Wallpaper ” by Zellphie

“In our darkest moments, when life flashes before us, we find something; Something that keeps us going. Something that pushes us.”

— Lara Croft, Tomb Raider (2013)

Pre-Mission

Whitney stepped into the RC, closing the door behind her. After she had wiped her perpetually bare feet on the Animal Crossingwelcome mat and made her way into the main room, the first thing she saw was her partner on the sofa, enjoying their Wii U as usual. He was lounging with his hands behind his head, dressed in nothing except a pair of dark purple boxers and his scarf, the latter stretching past his legs as it held the controller. How was he playing, one might ask? With his toes.

As soon as Backslash heard her come up behind the sofa, he craned his neck to look at her, the purple eye on his chest also turning in the direction of his gaze. “Oh, hey, Whitney! Back from your morning run?”

“Yes, of course. Having fun with Smash?”

“Yep! It’s me versus some guy from the DIC right now. Dunno who it is, but whatever.”

“Well, you now know where I got most of my tools from, I’ll say that much. You know, for someone whose feet look a bit too big for his body, you’re actually getting quite dexterous with that controller. I’d still use my hands, though.”

“Pffft, please. Wait ’till you try spending two hours every evening using a 3DS or Wii U for a week straight. Say what you will, but the Monado’s power has no room for carpal tunnel.”

She chuckled, ruffling his blond hair. “Well, I suppose there’s that. So, Link, huh?”

“Hey, I’m always up for a challenge. He’s been turning out pretty solid since Brawl, and his aerial recovery has been especially improved. I'd use yours as a comparison, but it isn’t exactly something you can smack people with.”

“Well, 5% damage on contact is nothing to sneeze at,” she pointed out. “Then again, of course, the Super Hoop’s range is too short for it to be a good direct attack.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. You’re a lot harder to use than I thought. You’re still pretty, though.”

He casually sent the other character, Palutena, flying off the stage with a smash attack. “GAME!” the announcer declared. (Elsewhere in HQ, a certain rambunctious angel screamed a Greek profanity and threw his Gamepad at the nearest wall.)

“I honestly thought you’d try maining yourself,” said Whitney. “You would be the kind of person to do that, wouldn’t you?”

“Funny you should ask: I’ve been doing exactly that. Or, well, trying to.”

“Wait, trying?”

The former Shulk replacement pouted, set the controller down, and wiggled his toes. “Put it this way: If I had an Ether Crystal for every time I nosedived into the void while using my side special, I’d never have to rely on Sharla for healing ever again.”

Whitney cringed sympathetically. “Ouch, sorry to hear that. Well, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of him… well, you… eventually.”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]

Backslash covered his ears; he could never get used to the console going off the way his partner was. Thank the Bionis for small favors, he thought. If it had gone off during my match, I could’ve lost in a split second.

Whitney headed over to the console, pushed the button, and read the report. “Hmmm, interesting. Looks like we may need a jar of punctuation. I may have one somewhere, just a moment…” She headed over to the closet and opened it, stepping out of the way just in time for the avalanche of random stuff to spill onto the floor.

“Are we going back into Smash?” asked Backslash, shutting down the console.

“Actually, no. How familiar are you with Tomb Raider?”

His face immediately turned as red as his scarf. “Well — I — I’ve only just started on it, but uh — when I first saw Lara, I just…” He trailed off, looking away from her.

“I completely understand your reaction,” Whitney replied with a chuckle. “Unfortunately, however, that may be a problem on this mission. You’re not the only one who is (forgive me for saying this) really feeling her.”

“Hey! You don’t have the right to —” He stopped in his tracks, realizing what she’d said. “Oh, no. You don’t really mean…”

“I mean exactly what you think I mean, sadly. Now, put some clothes on.”

“Can I just do without today? It’s the height of summer, after all, and Headquarters could certainly do with air conditioning.”

“We haveair conditioning. And we may be starting somewhere in England, so it’ll probably be a little cooler. And rainier.”

“Don’t disguises always change your outfits? And your species, too, every now and then?”

Whitney paused, and then asked, “You’re not going to put some clothes on, aren’t you?”

“Why bother? It’s not like anyone will notice if the disguise has me dressed already.”

She tsked and shook her head, but programmed her disguise anyway for period attire. “If you’re going to go your own way, at least do me a favor and grab the jar of punctuation first.”

“And where would that be?”

“In the pile of things that fell out of the closet. I swear it has everything hidden somewhere.”

A few moments later, and with some difficulty, Backslash pulled himself out of the pile, holding a jar of what looked like a bunch of periods, commas, and other sundry symbols. The portal had already opened, and Whitney was halfway inside when she looked back at him.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” she asked. “Unless you want to clean up after the mess.”

He glared at her for a moment, but then he put the jar in his Bag of Holding before programming his disguise. Once the disguise generator had finished, he picked up his Monado replica and followed her into the badfic.

********************

Act One

• Soundtrack: Tomb Raider (2013) OST — “The Scavenger's Den”

The agents stepped into the pre-fic space, now dressed in jackets, khakis, and hiking boots. Whitney, her Header stowed in her bag in case she needed it, had brown hair, brown eyes, and a pale flesh-colored tone to her skin. Meanwhile, Backslash’s scarf, wrapped neatly around his neck, was now entirely red and lacked its finger-tassels; his Monado replica had become a machete sheathed in a scabbard on his waist.

Before he could say anything, however, Whitney motioned for him to duck as a loud whining noise like an incoming plane reached their ears. They hit the floor just as Chapter 1 flew by.

James sat in his chair with his headphones on Listening to Phil Collins song in the air tonight it always made him relax he felt calm while listening to it the lyrics made him felt calm as he sang along out loud as no one was watching him so he just got carried away after a sort while then the drums kicked in and he started drumming the desk with his pens and singing along then he felt a soft tap on his shoulder and he immediately turned around and almost fell out of his chair in shock and embarrassment when he saw Lara with a smile on her face and her arms crossed staring at him he took of his head phones and tried to compose himself.

A generic-looking male character in a generic chair appeared in the generic space. At the same time, there was a noise like rushing wind in the distance.

“Huh?” asked Backslash. “Is someone using Hurricane? Should we run for cover?”

“Not yet,” said Whitney. “Can you pass me the punctuation, please?”

“Uh, why?”

She pointed off into the distance. Backslash followed the direction of her finger and gasped. A weird-looking funnel of wind was forming in the empty space; on closer inspection, he could see words spinning and swirling around within it.

“Okay, what in the name of the Bionis’ knee is that?!” cried Backslash, reaching into his bag for the jar of punctuation. “No, don’t look at me that way! I know it’s a tornado, but nobody said anything about it being tornado season!”

“It’s not a tornado,” said Whitney. “When authors forget to use periods and commas in their sentences, the words all run together and create what’s called a Word Cyclone. Gives a whole new meaning to ‘talking up a storm’, huh?”

“I can only imagine,” said Backslash, pulling out the jar. “Here you go!”

While Whitney tried to open the jar, Backslash checked on the action before them. The Stu was now talking to Lara, during which the Words stated that James and Lara used to flat mates while studying at University together.

A door then appeared in the generic space, and another character, Sam, stepped through it, Camcorder in hand "o hay guys what you doing?"

Whitney had managed to get the jar open, but the Word Cyclone had died down (for now). The sky rumbled overhead, and a moment later, periods and commas (like the ones in the jar) began falling around the agents.

“Well, so much for my plans to go jogging outside for a change,” Whitney sighed.

“What kind of weather is this?” asked Backslash. “It was really windy not even five minutes ago, and now we’re basically in a hailstorm. Would it be too much to ask to deal with one badfic-related phenomenon at a time?”

“Sorry, but there are no guarantees in this business. Especially in SPaG-challenged fics like this.”

He sighed in frustration. “Bollocks…”

James and Sam, meanwhile, were discussing a secret the former had, related of course to Lara (who had left the room earlier). The canon was apparently probing the former about said secret.

"JEEZ! You don't have to be so uptight I think it's cute you like her … I think you two would be grate together …"

Backslash had to restrain a chuckle at the last part of the sentence. “Who is this bloke, shredded cheese?”

When he looked to his partner, however, he noticed something was wrong. Whitney had started to tremble, her gaze fixed on James and her expression emotionless.

“Oh, he wouldn’t dare,” she said in a low voice. “I won’t let him get that far. No way.”

“Listen, Whitney,” said Backslash, “I’m not happy about this either, but we haven’t even gotten past the first—”

She turned to face him, still looking eerily calm. “That doesn’t change the fact that we’re dealing with a misunderstanding of the Tomb Raider canon. Lara is a lone wolf, and has been ever since she was stranded in the Himalayas. The life of the British aristocracy was never for her in any of the timelines she’s in.”

“But she could’ve met anyone as a child. James is now saying that he knew Lara since he was six, at least in the original game series. Whitney, calm down! We're only just starting!”

Her gaze hardened a little. “Do I look angry to you?”

He shook his head slowly.

“Then trust me,” she said. “I've got this, and that's the important thing.”

He nodded and returned to the badfic, though he couldn’t help but risk an uncomfortable glance at her.

Once James and Sam had finished their conversation, they stood up, and a generic ship of some sort materialized around them so quickly that Backslash hit his head on the ceiling. He put a hand to the spot and scowled.

“Ow… Okay, what? If they were on a boat, then the fic should’ve said so to begin with!”

“Well, we now have places to hide, at least,” said Whitney. “And we’ll have to do so lest we get noticed. I don't want you to give us away too soon.”

“Wait, you don't want to—?” She dragged him off toward the deck before he could finish, leaving the Stu to find Lara in the mess hall.

Outside, the Word Cyclone had come back, this time masquerading as a waterspout. As soon as they were out, Whitney idly shook some punctuation out of her jar and let it drift off towards the vortex.

Once the weather had died down for the moment, she closed the lid of the jar and watched the Words describe the Stu being encouraged by Sam to talk to Lara. He did so, albeit rather reluctantly, ultimately asking about her research instead of confessing his true feelings to her.

“Hrm,” muttered Whitney. “Aside from the poor grammar, Lara isn’t supposed to respond with just ‘its good’. She’s a sarcastic individual by nature. It would be more in character for her to say that she, I don’t know, pulled an Indy and outran a giant boulder in the morning.”

Backslash raised an eyebrow. “Pulled a who?”

She chuckled. “We can chat about movies later. We’ve got a job to do…” She checked the Words. “…and apparently, we’ll need to get off this boat soon. It’s going to sink.”

“W-what?!”

She opened a portal and whisked him through. They arrived just after a dream sequence in which the Stu and Lara were together, when…

"GET UP!" Lara commanded

James tried to get out of his bunk and fell down he was dizzy and confused but he could still tell the ship was violently rocking around.

As the agents tried to keep their balance, they realized that the Stu had apparently fallen asleep in his room. A few moments later, he was racing after Lara, and the agents had to navigate around torrents of seawater which were pouring into the halls of the ship, making it difficult to keep up with them.

Then Whitney skidded to a halt, Backslash smacking into her from behind. Her eyes went wide with horror.

The ship had broken into two pieces, having apparently been broken apart by a sudden storm. In the midst of it all, the Word Cyclone was raging in full force within a figurative hair’s breadth of the scene.

The captain of the ship, another character named Roth, called over to Lara and the Stu, telling them to jump between the two halves of the ship. As the agents watched, Lara made the jump first, and Roth caught her hand, but it wasn’t enough. The canon slipped out of his grasp and fell down into the deep violent waters churning in between the 2 hulks of the ship.

The agents didn’t know what was more surprising: the fact that Lara had fallen into the sea, or the sudden appearance of two giant, green-skinned guys in purple shorts, one clinging to each half of the ship.

“Who on the Bionis and the Mechonis combined are those blokes?!” Backslash called over the howling wind of the Word Cyclone.

After noting the charge, Whitney opened the jar of punctuation and threw a large handful of periods out into the storm. “No time for questions! Come on!”

The two of them portaled away just as the Stu jumped into the ocean after Lara, ending the first chapter.

Arriving on a generic beach, the agents ducked again as Chapter 2: Beginning whizzed overhead. Shrugging off their jackets and stowing them away (“You didn’t bother to wear a shirt under that? Seriously?” asked Whitney), they walked along the sand until they found the Stu and Lara lying unconscious on the shore. Some distance away, the Word Cyclone was finishing off the remains of the ship.

The Stu woke up, prompting the agents to make a dash for cover. Hiding behind a random (and from Backslash’s point of view, rather convenient) palm tree, they noticed him looking around at the sudden movement. But Whitney had been quick, and they were safely out of sight as he realized that Lara was missing… despite the fact that she was lying right next to him.

Amazingly, she woke up after he lightly shook her, despite being dumped into a stormy sea a chapter before. Whitney gritted her teeth slightly in spite of herself.

“That’s all he needs to do to wake her?” asked Backslash. “No CPR, no mouth to mouth, just shaking her? Charge for not understanding that she nearly drowned a while ago!”

“And if Lara was in character, she wouldn’t respond without a witty remark,” said Whitney. “Hmm, it seems like we may have to get her to Medical once this is over, unless she’s treated in the fic itself.”

“Are there any other canons involved?”

“Nope. Just Lara, at least so far. But Sam and Roth do sound familiar…”

He huffed. “Well, that should make our job a lot easier.”

“It won’t, Backslash. Just… just stop talking until the next charge comes up.”

“Why? It’s not like anything else is going to happen aside from the Stu trying to admit his star-crossed love to—”

"HAYYY! HELP!" he turned to Lara "come on we need to go over to them they look like they need help"

Lara looked at him and nodded "ok yer … what the … who's that?"

James Looked confused "what?"

Lara then looked horrified "JAMES LOOK OUT!"

Before he knew it he was unctuous again.

James suddenly found himself covered in grease. Before anyone could comment on this, however, a scene shift tossed the agents into a cave, where the Stu and Lara were tied up and hanging from the ceiling. The agents scrambled for cover behind some random stalagmites and watched them struggle.

“You were saying?” Whitney asked in a whisper.

“The grammar… The grammar…” Backslash clutched his head, whispering as well. “What is this fic doing with its word usage?! I can do better than that! I diddo a hundred times better than this fic could possibly dream of! At least I could touch proper spelling with a ten-foot Stick!”

“But you can’t get an increased critical hit ratio from it, can’t you?”

“Oh, shut up. That wasn’t the point, and it’s not like I have or need a held item, anyway. My moves and Monado Arts will serve me just fine.”

Whitney shook her head. “I’d recommend a Life Orb, for two reasons. One, it’ll boost your power enough to actually make a difference in missions, and two, you’ll be guaranteed to stop talking once you faint from continuous loss of HP.”

“Well, when you put it like — hey!”

The greasy Stu and Lara, thankfully, were too busy trying to burn the ropes off of them over a fire that had been carelessly set up nearby. Whitney listed “unsafe bondage removal method, i.e., risk of accidental immolation” in her notebook.

Amazingly, the escape plan actually worked, and the Stu was tending to Lara a few moments later. A very large leek was jammed into her side like a spear for some reason.

“There’s your ten-foot Stick,” said Whitney. “The badfic actually says she has one lodged in her; I guess our conversation inspired the Words to make it look like the Pokémon item.”

Backslash facepalmed. “Oh, brilliant. We need to get Lara to Medical, the sooner the better. Wait — what the — No. No. You do NOT pull that out, you nutter!”

Whitney began trembling again. There was now a large hole in Lara’s side, but for some unfathomable reason, it wasn’t bleeding.

“The fic hurt Lara,” the trainer said blankly. “It hurt her. Nobody hurts Lara in a nonsensical manner. Nobody hurts the canon in a nonsensical manner. Nobody hurts the hero of the goddamn canon in a nonsensical manner …”

“Uh, Whitney? You’ve got that creepy blank-eyed stare again.”

She looked around at him, a little confused, and then she realized what she’d said. “Sorry. I forgot you were still here. Anyway, let’s move on. The Stu and Lara will be leaving the cave, and they’ll destroy it to throw off whomever tied them up; someone will try to catch them, but they’ll lose him or her. The Word Cyclone will pick up once again as well, so we shouldn’t stick around.”

“Oh, that reminds me. I need to pick up that Stick item. So I can, y’know, beat the Stu over the head with it for completely ignoring common sense!”

Whitney gave him a stern look, but then sighed and took out the RA. “Go ahead. You have less to worry about than I do, anyway.”

“Wait, what?”

"My god where not the first" James Through out loud

Lara Looked over to him "thank you James … you did get me out of there alive"

He smiled it felt nice to hear her voice in the calm "its ok … but now we have to save everyone ells"

She nodded "yes your right" the walked then held her side in pain James immediately ran to help yer she Laughed slightly "I'm a big girl you know James I don't need you to rescue me ALL the time tough"

A rain of periods began falling around the agents again as they hid behind a random wreaked plane. It was cold enough now that they had to put their jackets back on; looking around, they noticed more planes, as well as ships with phrases painted on them.

“‘If something is worth doing at all, it’s worth doing well’,” Backslash read from the ship closest to him. “Good advice, but what’s it doing on a boat?”

“I checked the Words,” said Whitney. “We’re on a rocky coastline was full of wreaked planes and ships of all kinds of adages. At least Lara’s a little more in character now… the keyword being ‘a little’.”

“In what sense?” asked Backslash.

“What we’re observing is called ‘chickification’, where a tough, assertive character, usually female, becomes more and more like a distressed damsel. Lara doesn’t needrescuing, and if someone thinks they can make her stumble head-over-heels in love with him by turning her into a—”

“Lara isn’t in love with him! He’s trying to make her love him, and if she doesn’t want it, that’s fine! Better for us, even, because we won’t have to worry so much about Suefluence now.”

“Good.”

“Do we skip to the next chapter? The Stu and Lara will find Sam’s pack, but not much will happen after this.”

“Unless you want to see Lara rejecting the Stu’s advances, at least so far, then I’d have to agree with you.”

“Of course I don’t! But is that a sign that she’s resisting his Suefluence? If so, our job may be easier than we thought. Assuming, that is, that we can stomach the awful spelling and lack of punctuation.”

“I’d hate to say this, but I don’t think anyone can get past that…”

“My point exactly.”

With that, the agents vanished through a portal, leaving the Stu and Lara to discover Sam’s bag (and later start a fireside chat, sans fire). When the obligatory rain began to fall, with neither a trainer nor a humanized Honedge in sight, it had plenty of periods mixed in.

********************

Act Two

• Soundtrack: Tomb Raider (2013) OST — “Reaching Roth”

The next morning, the Stu and Lara woke up and began their trek once again. Ignoring all the bad grammar that had been scattered everywhere the previous night, Backslash was determined to get the mission done before the punctuation broke his brain, and was therefore more than a little annoyed when Whitney stopped to collect as many stray periods as she could.

“What are you waiting for? We have to get going!”

“I know, I know. But what if we run out of punctuation once the Word Cyclone comes back? Unlike you, I always prepare for any possibility. Your drive to finish the mission in a hurry was why you got decked in the face by that Luigi replacement on your first outing, and not me.”

“I went in because he’d catch us if we stalled for too long. Big difference.”

“Regardless of your motivations, I don’t want you risking yourself again by acting in haste. Not on my watch.”

“I know better, okay? But I don’t want to lose the Stu, either!”

“Don’t worry. We won’t miss him anytime soon.”

She pointed at where James and Lara were heading, the former leaving a trail of greasy footprints in the sand. The trees just ahead of them had transformed into copies of a (very confused) Tom Hanks lookalike in a white suit.

“What the heck?” asked Backslash. “What did the Words do this time? I don’t even know what just happened.”

“The fic misspelled ‘forest’ as ‘Forrest’,” said Whitney. “As in Gump. I’d explain, but you apparently have no interest in movies, and you don’t think you need to given that we’re in the Video Games division of the DMS.”

He glared at her. “Since when did you think that?”

“You had no idea who the Hulk was back in the first chapter. I find it odd that you obviously haven’t heard of the Marvel Comics continuum, given that we aren’t the most isolated RC, but I didn’t have the time to say that to you.”

“Oh, that . So you do think it’s a good idea for me to go out more often, don’t you?”

She gave him a slightly hostile look, but nodded. “Can you please help me collect all the punctuation? The Stu and Lara will discover a dead body in the forest and then hunt a random deer, neither of which will be eventful. We can regroup while we wait for the next big charge.”

Backslash sulked and returned the glower. “Take a trip to Tomb Raider, you said. It’ll be fun, you said…”

**********

Some time later, the agents resumed their furtive pursuit of the Stu and Lara, who were now exchanging radio correspondence with Roth (who had apparently survived the shipwreck). The radio feed revealed them to be ship wrecked on an island in the Dragons triangle.

“Well, we now know which sub-continuum this fic takes place in,” said Whitney. “The Dragon’s Triangle only appears in the 2013 reboot.”

“Look, I knew what game this fic would be set in after Sam showed up,” said Backslash. “You didn’t really have to explain it.”

Meanwhile, Lara began confessing that it was her fault that everyone had gotten into the whole mess. Whitney shook her head.

“It’s not her fault. It’s that of James. And Lara wouldn’t break down the way she just did. She’s too hardcore for that, and so am I.”

She cracked her knuckles, making Backslash flinch. But there was no response from him this time.

James and Lara continued talking with Roth, the latter explaining to Lara that James had jumped into the sea to save her. Lara, predictably, was quite touched. Whitney… wasn’t.

After the radio conversation ended, the Stu and Lara made their way to an underground bunker, where they found Sam, along with an older guy she was apparently talking with.

James introduced himself to the group, finally revealing his last name: Cartwright.

“And so, James and Lara tearfully reunite with the other canons,” Backslash narrated melodramatically. “Will they give him and Lara their blessing? Find out next time on ‘Womb Raider’!”

Whitney facepalmed. “Wow. Just… Really?”

“But they’re now falling in Twu Wuv! There wasn’t any other way for me to make fun of that fact that didn’t sound openly insulting.”

Whitney was about to respond when she felt something brush against her ear, and she whirled instinctively to face it. The creature floating before her was about the size of a toddler, with bright shiny stripes and a creepy skull-like face with glowing eyes and a pair of twisting horns. It sported disproportionately large, taloned hands, and several long, wispy, dark-colored tentacles trailed from its lower back.

Backslash recoiled, whipping out his Monado/machete. “GAH! W-what is that?!”

Whitney tilted her head curiously. “Are you familiar with Tomb Raider Legend? The Unknown Entity, specifically?”

“I’ve only played a bit of Anniversary and the 2013 version, I’m afraid,” he replied, still pointing his blade at the creature. “What about it?”

“The Unknown Entity was one of the bosses of Legend, and the main antagonist, Amanda Evert, combined herself with it to form the final boss of the game.”

“Okay, but… What’s it doing here?!”

“This isn’t the Entity itself, but rather a mini-Entity. Say hello to Rayes, Backslash. Oh, and Matthias.”

The first mini-Entity had just been joined by a second; both of them made demonic noises and looped around in the air, as though confirming this fact.

“I guess that makes sense,” said Backslash. “The trouble is, well, I don’t want it. I have no use for such a repulsive… well, entity.”

The minis gave him an offended look, but Whitney calmed them down by patting each of their heads. “Admittedly, neither do I. But if anyone doeswant it, I can give it away. It’s just a matter of finding out who would adopt what’s essentially a being straight out of Hell. Or the Underworld, as the case may be.”

With that, she opened a portal and sent the creatures to the Mini Adoption Agency. “Anyway, back to my original point. Twu Wuv or no, you have no excuse to make tasteless jokes about this situation. Not when our Lara, my Lara, is in danger.”

He realized at that point that he had to distract her before she started breaking under the pressure. Thinking quickly, he asked, “The new Lara or the old one? You said this was the new one.”

She faltered and looked at him. “I thought you knew that only the new Lara used a bow.”

“Uh, yes, that’s correct. What about it?”

Her eyes narrowed. “You only said that to throw me off. Didn’t you?”

He gulped. “H-how did you guess?”

“You only played Anniversary aside from the new reboot. I assumed you didn’t know the continuum as well as I do.”

Backslash scowled at her. “I could’ve looked it up!”

“Then why didn’t you bring a Fictionary? Was it because you assumed I would know everything? Because that’s not always true. I don’t know Xenobladelike you do, for example.”

“Thank you,” he replied, puffing his chest in a gesture of mock pride before sulking again. “But yes, I did think you were responsible for canon knowledge…”

“No need to apologize. I can understand your confusion, because the franchise itself can get quite confusing in terms of multiple timelines and such. But still, bring a Fictionary next time. It’ll help a great deal. And please don’t try to keep me from paying the Duty the attention it deserves from now on.”

“Hmph.”

Suddenly, he stiffened, his eyes flashing cyan. Whitney realized that he was having a vision, but before she could do anything, he’d snapped back to reality with a horrified expression.

He stood up straight and made to bolt for the bunker entrance, but Whitney grabbed him by the back of the collar in one swift movement.

“I thought I told you not to rush things,” she said with a harsh whisper. “What did you see?”

He turned to face her, his expression grim. “This chapter will end with everyone in trouble. A wolf pack will be showing up, and Lara will be caught in a trap!”

“One more reason to get her to Medical, then. Just be patient. The Stu will not part with Lara until we kill him, so there’s no chance of an extraction until then.”

Backslash abruptly stopped struggling, a horrible thought occurring to him. “Hang on… Wait a moment. The storm, Lara and James, Sam and Mathias, the bunker, the wolves… Oh, not good!”

“I didn’t see your eyes glowing this time. This isn’t another one of your visions, isn’t it?”

“No, not at all. Just a realization. What I saw was canon!”

Whitney stared first at him, and then at the Words. “Sam… Samantha Nishimura… Oh my gosh, you’re right! This Stu didn’t snatch Lara and put her in the badfic. He inserted himself into the plot of the game!”

Backslash saw her fists balling and turned slightly pale. “If you’re thinking of snapping his spine in two different places, Whitney, please don’t do it until we have enough charges.”

She rounded on him. “I don’t care if we have enough charges or not. This is urgent. The sooner we get James out of here and the canon restored, the less his influence will taint the plot.”

“We haveto press the charges,” he said as he turned and stalked off. “You of all people should know that by now, shouldn’t you?”

Whitney rewarded his remark with a whap on the back of the head. “That is notthe way you should talk to your mentor, Backslash. And I’m certainly not as short-sighted as you may think.”

He turned, rubbing his head where she’d smacked him and glowering. “Can we bicker where we won’t be noticed? Or would you prefer to shut up and pay attention to the badfic?”

She looked around. The canons were engaged in Sam’s tale of Queen Hemico (which had spawned yet another mini-Entity), but Whitney realized that James was glancing uncomfortably at where they were hiding. Could he have heard their argument?

She huffed in spite of herself. “Fine. We’ll wait until we have enough charges. But don’t be surprised if I decide that we do before this fic is over.”

With that, she opened a portal to send the mini to the Adoption Agency, and then another one which she stepped through. Backslash followed after a moment’s hesitation, wondering if she really was all right.

The agents made their way into Chapter 4: Defender, which started in the same cave as before. The Stu rushed off to defend Lara, deciding that it was better to save her than to run away and leave her at the mercy of the canon.

“Predictable, but heroic,” said Backslash. “I’d have done the same for Fiora, but then again, I’m not the canon Shulk.”

“You at least have the advantage in that you could be written as him, if your author hadn’t taken you in a different direction,” replied Whitney. “This Stu doesn’t have that luxury because there’s no way he fits into the canon. One round hole, one very deadsquare peg.”

“You weren’t so obsessive over protecting the canon until this mission,” said Backslash. “What prompted you to act like this now, outside of Nintendo?”

“The various Nintendo continua are familiar enough to people that badfic is almost routine, especially Smash Bros due to the mega-crossover nature of the games in general. Perhaps the same can be said of the original Tomb Raider. However, I don’t think the 2013 version is as popular or well known as the original, let alone enough to generate a badfic of it.”

Outside, the Stu and Lara were fighting off a pack of wolves as in the game. James got his arm chewed on, but Lara managed to fend it off and get cornered by it before James struck it down with an axe. Nearby, the Word Cyclone had made landfall and was fast approaching, the lack of punctuation and paragraph breaks giving it a boost in power.

From the safety of the cave, Backslash cringed at the Words, then returned to Whitney. “I know a badfic of the new Tomb Raider is unexpected, but I’m not really feeling (ahem) the urge to murder the Stu against protocol. So why is it that you have that exact urge? Is it because you’ve got an interest in—?”

“It’s different. You can at least restrain yourself if a Lust Object is hurt. Well, sort of — I had to stop you running off after her before she got caught in the trap, after all. No, I’m not attracted to Lara. But this continuum has an actual plot, and I won’t stand for this Stu ruining it. Not when I’m around.” She glanced toward the bunker entrance, her lips curling upward, and added, “I would sooner see him dead than putting a ring on the main character’s fourth finger.”

He took a step back, his eyes widening. “You’re… smiling? In light of all this?!”

She turned to face him, still wearing her unsettling grin. “Oh, Backslash, you have no idea of how I truly feel about this matter. I’ll save that little exercise for when we’re ready, of course. But believe me…” She leaned a little closer and stroked his cheek. “It’s going to be a real calorie buster.”

Backslash had to bite back a scream. Thankfully, the rest of the canons rushed in to help Lara and the Stu at that point, distracting them before the male agent could freak out and risk blowing their cover.

“N-now, hold the bloody heck on!” he cried, trying to disguise the trembling in his voice. “How do you free someone from a bear trap by shooting it with a pistol?”

“Badfic logic,” replied Whitney, looking sullen again. “Do we keep moving? The canon proceeds as normal, I believe, save for the Stu intervening. We would do well to follow the path the player would take in the game.”

“With that Word Cyclone outside?” Backslash replied. “Can’t we just watch the Words instead?”

“If we stay in one place for too long, the badfic could move on without us. This is the kind of plot that involves a journey, so that means lots of walking.”

“And I thought playing the Wii U with my feet was tiring.”

“You need to start practicing leg stretches like I do. It’ll help.”

“No, it won’t. Not with the fic going this fast.”

“It’s only going as fast as the game does. Now, come on.”

The agents followed the Stu and Lara as they headed off to find Roth, accompanied by the canon Whitman. While Whitney idly tossed some punctuation towards the Word Cyclone, her partner milled about impatiently, checking the Words and trying to make sense of the fic.

“Do we just move on to the next chapter, or are there any more charges to collect in this one?” he asked a few moments later.

Whitney looked up at the Words and yelped suddenly. “You should duck.”

“Huh? Why?”

By this point, the Stu and Lara were now trying to break through a gate of some kind, and Lara had brought up their time at the university. The Homs/Honedge hybrid didn’t catch the flash of the spear-like thing shooting straight at him, but he did experience a very unpleasant Vision of what would happen if he just stood there. He blinked the light from his eyes and did a dodge-roll just as the horizontal line flew past him, before lodging itself in a nearby tree.

Whitney rushed over and pulled the line out of the tree just before a scene shift threw them to the ground. A brief flashback to the Stu and Lara hanging out in college greeted them, followed by another divider line whizzing over their heads, returning them to the present.

“What… What the hell was that?!” cried Backslash.

“A scene transition symbol,” said Whitney. “I didn’t expect to see any here, considering the lack of punctuation all over the place…”

“Is nearly being impaled by those things a commonplace work hazard?” asked Backslash, glancing nervously at her line-turned-makeshift javelin.

“Unfortunately, yes. I just roll with it most of the time.”

“More like rolling out of the way…”

“Anyway, we should skip to the next big charge. It’ll be easier for both of us, I think. Whitman and James will get into a fight, which actually isn’t surprising considering that Whitman is an antagonist.”

Backslash nodded, but then he decided to ask the obvious. “How’s Lara?”

Whitney faltered at this question, but then she clutched the divider line tight, as though preparing to skewer someone with it. “I’m willing to bet she’s either been Suefluenced very badly or outright replaced. It’s obvious that she’s falling head-over-heels for James, but there’s also her constant whining about him. If this is a replacement we’re dealing with here…”

She smiled slightly again, that unnerving smirk that Backslash guessed preceded someone’s quick but brutal demise. He hoped the Stick he’d kept in his bag was strong enough; he didn’t want to see how effective his Monado-cum-machete was against his partner.

“Anything else?” he asked.

She grinned even wider. “James steals Lara’s act of killing Vladimir, apparently, and makes her cry over it. Taking over the main character’s actions is typical, but Suefluencing her at the same time and preventing her from developing as a character? Completely inexcusable.”

He shuddered. “Do I want to relive that? I don’t want to relive that…”

“We won’t have to. We’re skipping to Chapter Five. I want this done with as soon as possible so we can return to our RC in peace.”

“As soon as possible or as violently as possible?”

Whitney turned towards him, her line in one hand and the other already shooting forth to grab him by the collar. She pulled him close, her expression ominously blank.

“No matter what you think, or how you feel, killing this badfic comes first, and I will not let your opinions on the matter stall me any longer. If you don’t want to be next on the list, then do as I say. Understood?”

Backslash gulped, but nodded shakily. She let him go and opened a portal, stepping through without another word, leaving him asking a lot more questions in his head than he wanted.

Was Whitney really that intent on killing the Stu? What was her real reason for being so brooding all of a sudden? And most importantly, would her anger help or hurt the mission?

He promptly decided that he didn’t want to find out anytime soon.

********************

Act Three

• Soundtrack: Tomb Raider (2013) OST — “The Scavenger’s Camp”

Chapter 5: Redemption

Lara found her bow that the Man had dropped she was extremely quiet not saying a word at all James was so worried and scared he had alienated her he was a monster in her eye's he wanted to apologies so much but he couldn't build up the nerve to talk to her she had never ever been upset with him before.

“He steals her spotlight,” Whitney hissed under her breath, closing the portal behind her, “and he’s worried that he’s made an enemy of her? If you ask me, it should be the other way around.”

Backslash came up behind her a second later. “Hey, if I had that kind of moment in my grasp and someone else took it from me, I’d be pretty upset, too.”

She turned to face him, raising an eyebrow. “What does that say for you, then? You had to be stopped.”

“Well, uh, that was different. I made a mess of the canon, but Lara was, well, being a part of it. Though I can’t say the same for her right now  — she can’t touch the canon with a pole long enough to stretch across Gaur Plain from end to end.”

“…Huh. Good point.”

While the agents watched, Lara and James began sneaking through the island camp where the survivors of the Endurance wreck had been held captive, but then ended up being caught by two of the islanders. James cursed at them, prompting them to try and kill him, but he then proceeded to fight them off, before almost being overpowered by a third one. Lara intervened before he could kill him, though… and shot down all three of the enemies involved. Meanwhile, the noise of the Word Cyclone in the distance was mixed with the patter, patter, patter of punctuation rain.

“Well, that’s a little more in character for her,” said Backslash, cringing and looking away. “Shooting a bloke in the neck with her bow… Brutal, but not unexpected.”

James tried to get out from under the 2 dead people but he couldn't lift them Lara rolled them off with her foot James coughed "thank you …" Lara offered her hand to lift him up he held hit and she helped him up, when he got up he was very close to her face he became embarrassed and stepped back "sorry"

Lara thought he was apologising for getting caught but really it was only his embarrassment despite what just happened "no … I'm sorry James … I doubted you … I got upset with you because I was scared and afraid but really … I would kill to protect you to … I did"

He gulped. “…Never mind.”

“She’s protecting the Stu,” said Whitney. “It’s not the same as the instinct for self-preservation she has in canon.”

“She was alone in the game. She always is. This Stu is just being there to steal her spotlight and make her want to love him in typical badfic fashion!”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking, too. All the more reason to make sure Lara stays solo.”

“We’re not moving in now, are we? I know you said you wanted him taken out soon, but…”

“I know, I know.” She glanced at the scene before them. “But we need to keep him away from Lara now. She’s going to attack us if we try to make a move against him.”

“What do we do, then? You can’t just waltz in like some murderous mannequin in a yoga outfit and hold up a sign saying ‘Hi there, I’m going to kill James Cartwright!’”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Of course it won’t be that easy. We need to wait until he goes off on his own, or otherwise just try and deal with both of them if that’s not possible. Until then, we have to deal with the canon being upstaged…”

They looked around at the Word Cyclone, which now looked like an F4 tornado teeming with Words the size of cars. “…and that,” Whitney finished, pointing at it.

Backslash looked grim as he turned to his partner. “It’s not going to follow us, is it?”

“I’m afraid the Ironic Overpower would beg to differ,” she replied, still pointing.

He looked at the Word Cyclone again and gasped, his eyes wide with horror. The vortex was slowly but steadily becoming larger. The fact that the fic had left out any punctuation or paragraph breaks while narrating the characters continuing to make their way through the camp may have had something to do with that.

“C’mon, move, move!” Whitney cried, taking Backslash’s arm and pulling him along. He wanted to suggest that she toss some punctuation at the Word Cyclone, but there was no time. Besides, even after last night’s storm, they only had so many periods.

The Stu and Lara had killed more islanders as they progressed, and the agents skirted around the gruesome scene in their wake. Behind them, the Word Cyclone was now big enough to pick up a few small trees.

Barely stopping to listen to Lara talking to Roth once again, the agents began an arduous climb up the side of the island mountain, keen on putting as much distance between themselves and the cyclone as possible.

“Lara made it look so easy in the games,” Backslash huffed, trying not to slip and end up sliding a long way down.

“Everyone does. Now keep going.” Whitney’s voice no longer had the creepy undertone to it; she sounded urgent, almost afraid. Still, every so often, she made sure to check the Words and note where Lara and the Stu were.

Backslash wasn’t confident that they could make the climb before the Word Cyclone caught up with them, but if he had any doubts, he didn’t express them. There was no time to waste.

The agents reached a rock face which the Stu and Lara were about to climb, with the fic revealing that James was afraid of heights. After making a mental note that this didn’t add much to the fic, Whitney decided to use a portal to save time.

“Where to?” asked Backslash. “The canon is pretty much the same except for Lara rescuing the Stu from a nasty fall.”

She thought about it for a moment. “The end of the chapter, perhaps. They find Roth, but he's hurt as in canon, so they get him to shelter. We need to keep after them.”

“But if they see us, they may try to kill us,” said Backslash. “Or you’d try to kill them…”

She gave him her creepy blank face again, but then her gaze turned slightly frantic. “It’s either them or the Word Cyclone, and take a wild guess as to which I'd rather deal with. Come on!”

She opened a portal, and this time, he was more than willing to follow her through it.

Lara Said softly "James … I trust you … you saved me … from many things I'm not dead or hurt yet thanks to you … you have done a great Job and I trust you to help me"

He couldn't help but smile slightly "… Lara … thank you" He looked up to face her beautiful Face again giving him courage and strength and determination to do anything. … he wanted to say the words to her … I love you Lara Croft … but he just couldn't … not now.

Backslash grimaced, sticking out his tongue and rubbing the taste off with a finger. “Eww, tastes cheap…”

Whitney shook her head, wanting to get the flavor out herself. “Fake sugar, the byproduct of cliche comfort dialogue. I’m not amused, but not surprised, either. Lara may need to go to FicPsych after she has her health restored.”

Without waiting for a response from her partner, she proceeded to empty the rest of the punctuation into the wind to bide them time, and opened a portal to get them to the nearest reliable shelter.

Which happened, unfortunately, to be smack in the middle of the wolf den. And near the start of Chapter Six to boot.

Thankfully, the agents weren’t surrounded by snarling wolves. Nonetheless, Whitney held up her divider line, and Backslash took out his machete. They had to act fast, not just because of the immediate threat of the wolf, but also because the Stu and Lara would notice them very, very quickly.

“Whitney… Whitney!” Backslash whispered. “We can’t be here! Lara’s going to be—”

“Showing up any minute, I know,” she finished. “But we’ve been going nowhere for the past three chapters, now that we know that the fic is inserting James into the canon. We’ll have to get rid of him now. I’ll have to kill him now.”

“Don’t we have to wait until—”

She gripped her divider line tighter. “I thought the same, but there’s no time. The Word Cyclone will destroy us all if we don’t stop him immediately.”

The faint noise of the distant vortex told him that she was right. And not only that, but the cyclone could very well consume the canon environment as well.

“Is there anything after this chapter?” Backslash asked. “Any other major charges?”

She checked the Words. “No, actually. This chapter is the last published, and there’s nothing after the wolf attack that’s a serious violation of the canon. Just the Stu tagging along when Lara helps Roth and reunites with the others.”

“Can I use one of Shulk’s battle quotes, then?”

“After you complained about Ike taunting during the Not!Luigi fight from your first mission? Sorry, but no.” Whitney rolled her eyes again.

At that moment, there was a snarl from somewhere nearby followed by a flash of dark fur. The wolf lunged out of the shadows, and with a startled yell, Backslash just barely sidestepped the beast. His Pursuit attack was no good on an enemy that was coming towards him, so he settled for Aerial Ace instead, the turning cut being unable to miss. The wolf reeled at the slashing technique, but the wound, being inflicted with just the tip of the blade, wasn’t fatal; it sprang back to its paws and attempted to come at him from the side instead.

Whitney stabbed at its shoulder with her divider, hooking into its flesh and pulling it away from her partner. The wound wasn’t deep, but she had no intent on killing the creature. Instead, she flicked it away from them, and before it could get to its feet, they had bolted.

The moment they exited the cave, they stopped dead. The Stu and Lara were standing before them in total shock.

“Who are you” Lara cried out.

“We’re here to help,” Backslash replied, trying to hide his desperation. “But James has to—”

“Die.”

Whitney had moved forward, preparing to spear the Stu with her divider line. Lara, however, was ready for her. She drew her knife and swiped at Whitney, who had to step back to avoid a nasty cut. She pointed the divider tip at the canon and hissed, “Don’t you move!”

The Stu, however, was upon her at that instant. A moment’s distraction was all he needed to slug her in the face. Lara then attempted to stab Whitney again, and she only managed to parry her strike at the last second.

Lara and James were almost like a single being with two bodies, and Whitney, still reeling from the surprise hit, had little time to catch up with their movements. She was forced to back away from the two of them, towards the den where the wolf was surely waiting.

Backslash had no idea what to do. His visions hadn’t accounted for Whitney’s fury. And she was going to pay the price for acting preemptively.

No. Scratch that.

They all were.

The outermost wind currents of the Word Cyclone were now only several hundred yards away from them, and counting. The vortex hadn’t yet touched the canon setting, thankfully, but a large tree smashing into the rock face above them (prompting the wolf to retreat into its lair, its tail between its legs) was enough persuasion for Backslash to force himself to act.

Switching his machete for the Stick he’d collected, he hurled himself at Lara with a Pursuit attack, catching the back of her head. She collapsed to the ground, the Suefluence faltering.

“LARA!” James cried, turning to face her, but then he felt something sweep his legs out from under him before toppling to the ground. A chilling laugh rang in his ears, and he rolled over to see Whitney standing over him. Grinning like a maniac, she raised her divider, pointing its lethal tip at his heart.

“Say goodbye, you sorry son of a—OOF!”

Backslash had struck her temple with the Stick, sending her sprawling dangerously close to the cliff; the divider flew out of her hands and sailed over the precipice. The male agent rushed forward and grabbed her before she could stumble and fall, but when he turned, he saw the Stu coming for him.

“Oh, for the love of — AERIAL ACE!”

The Stick wasn’t as deadly as his machete, and Backslash missed with the downward strike, but the upswing embedding it deep into James’ crotch was more than enough compensation.

“Get Lara to Medical, now!” cried the disguised Homs. Whitney nodded shakily before standing up and skirting past the downed Stu. She seized  Lara and opened a portal, almost running straight into a startled brown-haired man on the other side.

“What in the—?”

“You’re Dr. Appleday, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Why?”

Whitney shoved Lara into his arms. “Puncture wound from a giant leek. Get to it before she bleeds to death.”

Dr. Appleday looked down at the hole in the canon’s side with a shocked gasp, but before he could ask any more questions, Whitney had portaled back into the badfic.

The trainer found Backslash looming over the Stu, who was curled up at the edge of the cliff. James looked up, terrified, but the angry blond teenager wasn’t the reason for his panic. The Word Cyclone was now only a few hundred feet from them.

Backslash motioned for Whitney to hand him her notebook, which she did without complaint. He had to hold it tight to avoid losing it as he flipped through it to the right set of notes.

“You know, there’s a saying I once read that I think applies here,” the male agent cried over the the howling wind. “If something is worth doing at all, it's worth doing well!”

“what?” asked James.

“You heard me, James Cartwright. And speaking of which, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu on account of the following charges: inserting yourself into the plot of the 2013 Tomb Raider videogame reboot; having the spelling, grammar, and punctuation sense of a Nopon Coin; not being properly defined; creating a Word Cyclone, punctuation rain, and the Bionis knows what other badfic weather phenomena; making Lara OOC, in particular subjecting her to what my partner calls ‘Chickification’; attempting to forge Twu Wuv with Lara (who was right to say no to you before the Suefluence kicked in, by the way); spawning two clones of someone my partner called a ‘Marvel Comics superhero’; covering yourself in grease for no reason; ignoring medical sense by pulling a Stick item from an impalement wound, potentially risking death by exsanguination; not actually showing any exsanguination when you pulled the Stick out of Lara; getting the Stick lodged up Lara’s arse in the first place (which was canon, sure, but with a piece of rebar); creating several mini-Entities; nearly impaling me with a flying scene divider; outright stealing canonical scenes from Lara without a proper excuse; claiming to know Lara since childhood; having little to no effect on the plot in the long term; and angering and hurting the psychotic fitness trainer who happens to be my partner!”

“But but I love her please you gotta undrstand” James screamed over the wind.

The agent handed the notebook back to his partner and unsheathed his disguised Monado replica. “Newsflash, James! I! Don’t! Care! Your punishment is death, and there is no appeal!”

With that, he pulled the Stu towards him and then uppercut him with his blade, scoring a deep gash across his chest — and more importantly, sending him screaming off the side of the mountain. Before James could hit the ground, the Word Cyclone had picked him up, and all he could do was continue screaming as it moved away from the mountain, carrying him along with it.

Whitney stared after the whirlwind for a few moments, stunned, and then sank to her knees, trying to use her Deep Breathing. After wiping the grease from his free hand, Backslash kept his weapon behind his back, looking sheepish.

“Sorry for hitting you,” he said. “I had to stop you. I mean… You could’ve killed him before we could press the charges!”

“No no, it’s fine,” she replied, before turning to give him an apologetic look. “Thank you.”

“Can I confess something? You honestly scared me on this mission.” He paused, and then asked, “How bad was your career as an assassin before I came along?”

She gazed off into the distance, but said nothing. Backslash understood immediately.

“Well, that was a stupid question,” he said. “Anyway, shall we take care of the rest of the canons? We have to remove the Stu’s influence before they start wondering where he went.”

“Agreed.”

With that, they opened a portal to where Roth was, the trainer taking out her neuralyzer.

********************

Post-Mission

Ten minutes later, the agents stepped through the portal and returned to their RC. Whitney immediately sat down in front of the sofa and assumed the lotus position, her closed eyelids betraying a twinge of regret.

Backslash, now clad in only his boxers and scarf once again, settled on the sofa itself behind her. After a moment, he looked at Whitney with all three of his eyes and sighed.

“If you’ll excuse the use of one of my memetic Smash quotes, or a variant thereof,” he said, “that was not a good result. Not at all. Don’t get me wrong — of course we finished the mission — but dear Bionis, the grammar …” He buried his face in his palms and the end of his scarf.

She took a deep breath before exhaling, trying to forget what had happened with little success. “Don’t forget the lack of common sense. And sadly, I’m pretty sure the PPC has encountered worse before.”

“Worse? Do I have the right to know what that means?”

Whitney gave him a half-stern, half-amused look. “Probably not. And I think it would be for the better.” She blinked in surprise, and added, “I forgot you didn’t bother to dress yourself prior to jumping into the badfic.”

“See? I toldyou disguises would take care of everything,” he said with a smile. “So whether or not I wear clothes in our RC won’t matter. So bite me!”

Whitney rolled her eyes yet again and chuckled bleakly. “You’re incorrigible.”

He laughed as well, and then sighed. “Can I get back to Smash now? I’m tired.”

She huffed. “That’s never something to say in front of the Ironic Overpower, but okay. And you know what, maybe I can join you.”

“Huh?”

She stood up before ruffling his hair. “We really need to spend some quality time together. It’s only fair. Hmm, how about we make a bet? Two out of three, three-stock, no items, For Glory. The loser has to do whatever the winner asks for the rest of the day, without question.”

Backslash grinned. “Does that mean I won’t have to clean up the RC if I win? In that case, I’ll have you beat with both hands tied behind my back. Literally!”

“Don’t press your luck, Monado Boy,” she replied with a chuckle as she prepared to boot up the game.

[END]