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Chapter Text

He could feel her quiet tears on his chest, straight through his coat and suit. Her head on his shoulder shook softly from time to time, as she tried to make sense of everything that was going on in her brains. He had put his arm around her and quietly squeezed her closer to him every time he heard a sob. She was trying desperately to hide her agony from him but deep inside he knew how she must feel. The only thing he knew how to do right now was to be there with her.

Dana Scully had lost her mother. Not too long after reuniting with Fox Mulder to reopen the X-files, she had gotten the call. It was something she hadn’t thought about in a long time, her life having quieted down a little after everything she had been through.

Being so close to Mulder again had reopened a lot of sealed boxes for her, including a very emotional box which she had tried very hard to keep closed. It contained all of the emotions she could ever feel, because he had always been her soundboard. Emotionally, intellectually, he had always known her in ways she could hardly fathom. From the second she’d seen him (‘I’m always happy to find a reason’,) she had known she was lost again. But he had been there, so it was okay. Only now, sitting on the tree bench next to him, she felt divided. He had been her everything, and she was very grateful for his presence. But he had been very closed off about his feelings regarding William, admitting that he thought of their son, but not going any further than that. She hoped he could see how deeply the worry went with her, and how deep her pain was right at this moment. Because she knew that if he left her right now, like he’d left her once before, she wouldn’t be able to bear the pain.

As the mist clouded the bay before them, Scully could feel the pain of losing her mother intensifying with every breath she took. There were so many questions she still had for Margaret Scully, and apart from that she’d give anything right now to just talk about anything with her. But instead she was sitting here, alone, with her mother’s ashes at her feet.

Another sob tore from deep within her and Mulder took her hands in his free left hand. ‘Scully.. I’m so sorry.’ It was all he could say, even though he wanted to say so much more. She looked up at him, her make-up smeared and her face tear stained. He met her eyes, trying to tell her quietly that it would be ok, that things would get better again but he could see she didn’t hear him. His thumb came up to try and wipe the mascara off her cheeks and she let him, keeping her eyes on his.

‘I just want to go home,’ she said softly. ‘Can we go home?’

‘What about the ashes?’ he asked. He knew she wanted to spread them here, as her mother would have wanted, but he also knew there was no rush. Scully had taken the burden upon herself to take care of this, but in no way was it her responsibility. Bill was back in town, he could take care of it, as he had told her repeatedly. Mulder hoped with all his might that Dana would take it easy, as he had seen the effect the last few days was having on her. She was distracted, sad, and just not herself. She tried to hide it, sometimes successfully, but he had always been able to see right through her. He’d let her think she was hiding her feelings on a few occasions, knowing her pride was important to her and that she just wanted to show how strong she was. Just for the outside world, though, because he knew that with him she’d always show her real feelings.

His thumbs on her cheeks were nice, she thought. It had been long since they had touched each other in any way, except for hugs. She longed for his touch, it was always such a comfort to her to feel his love. However, she wasn’t sure she deserved it anymore. So as she was waiting for his answer she pulled away slightly, her hand taking his from her face and putting it in her lap.

‘I don’t want to take care of this right now, I just need to go home,’ she repeated. He nodded and squeezed her shoulder one last time before standing up. ‘Then let’s go home.’

He extended his hand to her, and she took it gratefully, knowing that without him she’d be unable to stand gracefully let alone walk across the pebble beach towards his car. She took the urn from the ground, her hand shaking, and held the black case against her chest with all her might. He put an arm around her and together they walked towards the car.

Having put the urn in its place at the cemetery Scully walked back to the car. Mulder had asked her if she wanted him to join her, but she had used the few moments alone to collect her thoughts. Home. What was home again? Was it her apartment? Their office, or his home? Years ago she had come to realize that home was wherever he wanted to be, but lately that didn’t work anymore. He had separated himself from her a few years ago, so now they were back at work together she wasn’t sure where home was. She knew one thing though, she didn’t want to be in her apartment alone tonight.

Mulder watched sadly as he saw her walking from the white building across the rainy path towards his car. She looked so small, but she was so unbelievably strong. The contradiction fascinated him, it always had. Her head was down and her step was slightly wobbly, indicating she was exhausted and still very emotionally fragile. As she got in, she met his eyes. ‘I’m ready,’ she stated. ‘You drive.’

He was in the driver’s seat already so it seemed like an abundant statement, but to him it meant a lot. You drive, you take me to wherever you’re going. He had considered asking her to stay with him tonight, but had decided against it because he knew she would decline if it came from him. It had to be her decision. Seeing her again, after being separated for five years, had been more magical than he’d thought. They’d had lunch or dinner a couple of times, and she’d consulted on something he had been working on once during those five years, but in the end he was the reason they weren’t together, so he had to fix it. And he wanted to, he really wanted to. He just didn’t know if she’d let him. And he knew she was broken right now, exhausted and emotionally spent, but this was the first step in the right direction. He would take her home.

It was late at night, closing on midnight when a shaking car woke Scully up. She’d been asleep in the passenger seat for a while, after being too tired to talk to Mulder and too preoccupied to read up on case files. The shaking indicated they were off the main road, and she sighed with relief. He’d taken her to his home, not to hers. She had dreaded the moment when she would tell him she wanted to stay with him tonight, but deep down she had known that he would not leave her alone. Not right now.

‘Hey,’ Mulder said. ‘You’re awake. We’re nearly there.’ Glancing over at her he saw she was looking a little better. Sleepy and messy, but a little better.

‘Thank you,’ she said in a half-whisper, her voice cracking under sleep and tears. He nodded and drove up to his house, parking the car behind it. He got out just as Scully got out on her side, and walked her to the back door. The little white house had always been his favorite, secluded, with a porch and a view to die for. It had been his safe house for years, and now it would be hers.

She stepped into the house that had once been their home. Memories hit her as she walked inside, and she took a moment to calm down.

‘Here, I’ll take your coat,’ Mulder offered. She let him take her coat off her and she dropped onto the couch. ‘I don’t have any clothes with me.’

He smiled. ‘You’ve always had clothes here, Scully. Some things you didn’t take with you.’ She looked at him. Memories of their separation were amongst the things she didn’t care to revisit, so she just nodded. ‘All right. Can I take a shower? I’ll take the couch.’ Mulder looked at her, one hand on her upper arm. ‘You can take the bed. And my bathroom is your bathroom, Scully. Take it easy, try to relax. I’ll be out here. Do you want some coffee when you’re done?’

‘No thanks, it’ll keep me up. Just water will be fine, Mulder. Thank you, again. For everything.’ She wasn’t one to say thank you this much, but he really meant a lot to her. Especially now, now that she felt like she was losing everything else.

She walked up the wooden stairs towards the small bedroom they had once shared. Remembering she had always taken the bottom drawer and also remembering being too hurt to clear everything out she went to his closet and opened that drawer. He was right, she did still have stuff here. He’d kept it neat and clean, she could smell he’d washed it quite recently. Picking out her underwear, pajama pants and one of his T-shirt she headed for the bathroom. The top floor of this house was small, but high as the roof came together in a reverse V-shape above her head. She’d always liked the height, the wooden beams and the dark wooden floors of this place. It had so much character and it was so Mulder.

Hearing her move around upstairs sounded familiar but it hurt his heart nonetheless. She was under so much pressure right now, and he wasn’t sure he could do enough to help her. Tomorrow he’d try to talk to her, about everything he was feeling. It needed to be said. She needed to know he was still there for her, that she still meant everything to him. She always would. He had been dealing with a few things himself, including a depression that had taken a nasty turn as he’d come to terms with the fact that they were separated because of him.  It might have only been the third or fourth time in his life that he’d said to her: ‘I love you, Scully.’ But she hadn’t been around to hear it.

He put a glass of water and a sleeping tablet next to his bed on the nightstand, straightened the covers a little and took a pillow and blanket down to the couch. The running water had stopped, indicating that she was almost ready. He sighed as he sat down on the side of the bed, the events of the last few days only now catching up to him. Sighing, he put his head in his hands.

‘Mulder,’ Scully said as she walked into the bedroom, seeing him on his bed. His head down, he looked like he was tired as hell. She sat down next to him, her hand on his leg. No words were needed as they sat there for a few minutes, until Mulder sighed and stood. ‘All right, Dana. Sleep well. I’ve put a sleeping pill on your nightstand if you feel like you need it. I’ll be downstairs. See you in the morning.’ She smiled up at him and nodded. ‘Sleep well.’

Crawling under the covers she could smell Mulder on the sheets and on the pillows. It comforted her, even though there were a million thoughts running through her head. She heard him lock the doors and she smiled to herself. She was safe now, she could let go. So she did, she tried to let all the tension out. Showering had helped, but still she felt tight in her belly. Consciously relaxing herself helped a little, but she couldn’t keep the tears in once she’d relaxed as much as she could. She let them flow, quietly, so as not to disturb Mulder.

She jumped a little when she felt the bed move. Quickly though, she recognized the weight and movements of the man who had snuck in the bed behind her. His right arm enveloped her in the warmest hug she’d had in years, and his lips found her neck and cheek. ‘Good night, Scully. Don’t cry,’ he whispered. The sweetness in his voice made her sob audibly and her hands held onto his arm for dear life. She didn’t respond to him, but she relaxed into the large, warm body behind her. Yes, she was safe. She was home. Again.

Chapter Text

Dana woke up first, only a few minutes after the sun had started to rise. There was a dim orange light starting to shine through the curtains, and she woke with a feeling of sadness in her stomach. Every thought, every emotion she’d felt yesterday her brain had tried and failed to process during the night, leaving her with a soaring headache which had woken her up. For a moment she felt at home, then a strange feeling washed over her. She wasn’t home. But she was, and the confusion only added to her exploding headache. Lying still she felt Mulder’s arm around her, he hadn’t let go of her throughout the entire night. Somewhere throughout the night he had taken off his T-shirt, because she felt the heat of his naked upper body pushed against her back. It reminded her of all the special times they had had here, in this house, and at the beginning, at both of their apartments. Their relationship had always been charged with emotion, their reaction to each other often extreme. That time however had passed and lately they settled for emails, phone calls and the occasional lunch or dinner. Why? She couldn’t remember. All she knew was that this might be the only way that she would survive everything that was going on right now – with him by her side.

After a few moments of quiet thought she felt how thirsty she was. She wasn’t surprised, after all, she’d been crying for hours on end. The glass Mulder had filled for her last night was on her side of the bed, but she’d have to reach up to get it and Mulder’s arm was still tightly around her. She carefully tried to disentangle herself and succeeded partially, as Mulder sighed in his sleep and retracted his hand to her hipbone. She reached for the glass and downed it, putting it back before looking over her shoulder if she’d woken him up. His eyes were closed and there was a worry written on his face, a frown that she wished away. He shouldn’t have to bear her burdens, although he’d always try.

Turning in his grasp she faced him, lying only slightly away from him. His arm came around her back naturally, and he pulled her close as if he’d been doing it every night. She allowed herself the luxury of putting one arm around him as well, the other resting on his chest under her cheek. She could hear his heartbeat, the pulse that would reassure her of his wellbeing. He was alive, she was alive. They were together. That would be enough. Right?

 Fox woke up to the feeling of Scully moving in his arms. He kept his eyes closed, wanting to cherish the feeling. She was turning around softly, trying not to disturb him, and his heart warmed at her little movements. The hand that came up to his bare chest wasn’t put there while she was asleep. No, Dana Scully was awake and turning in his arms to lie flush against him. He helped her a little, putting his arm around her back to pull her in closer. They had been in this position a thousand times, and the fact that she was searching for that familiarity touched him deeply. He felt her cheek against his chest, and after a minute of listening her breathe he could feel her relax a little. He couldn’t help but press his lips into her hair.

‘Good morning.’

‘Oh. Did I wake you?’ she responded, lifting her head carefully.

‘If you did, I forgive you,’ he said, and she put her head back down. ‘Sorry.’

‘How are you feeling?’ he whispered, knowing it was probably a stupid question. ‘I mean.. Are you ok?’

‘Yeah,’ she answered. ‘I’m fine.’

Fine in Scully talk meant no, I’m not fine but I really can’t bear to speak about it right now. ‘Will a cup of tea help?’ he asked carefully. ‘An aspirin maybe?’  She looked up at him and sighed. ‘I don’t want you to move.’ He smiled down at her and kissed her forehead, his touch barely a whisper. ‘I won’t be a minute.’

He got up quickly, leaving her in his bed and got to making her tea. He made a phone call, refilled her water glass as well, put two pills on her nightstand and quickly whipped up a coffee and tea for them. Taking the cups up to the bedroom he watched as she sat up against the headboard. He joined her in the bed, quickly pulling his shirt back on over his head before sitting next to her, and he put his arm around her shoulders again. She leaned into him, the fabric of his tee soft to her touch and she closed her eyes. ‘I really, really don’t want to get out today.’

He nodded into her hair. ‘I’ve already called the bureau, we’re off duty today. We need to talk, Scully.’

She sighed and tensed a little. ‘No, I’ll leave as soon as my headache goes down.’ So she had a headache. But why would she leave?

‘You don’t have to leave, you can stay here as long as you want to,’ he said quickly. ‘You’re always welcome here, Dana. It’s our house.’

His words were gentle and it was exactly what she wanted to hear. She accepted them for now, dreading the talk he wanted to have with her. She really, really didn’t feel like getting up out of this bed and facing the day, but she also knew that they hadn’t talked about their relationship in a long time. She knew she had things to say, and so did he most likely, but she doubted if today was the right day to bring that all up. However, Dana also knew she might not have a choice, having spent the night next to Mulder for the first time in years. It meant something, and they had to talk about it before one of them found a chance to destroy it again.

‘Yeah, we’ll talk,’ she said softly, opening her eyes. ‘Thank you for calling in.’ Mulder chuckled. ‘To be honest I was surprised to find anyone there,’ he said. ‘It’s like 6 in the morning.’ She smiled. ‘The light woke me up, I think. It’s really beautiful out here but I’d forgotten how early the sun comes up.’ They had never had blinding curtains because both of them loved to live by the light of day, waking up with the sunrise and going to bed after sunset or watching the sun drop behind the trees from their bedroom window. From his bedroom window. But living in the city and working night shifts from time to time had changed Dana’s rhythm, she now lived by her alarm clock, being able to sleep in the afternoon or work through the night without issues.

Mulder got up again, walked to the window and opened the curtains that barely blocked the light. A brand new day had started, Dana realized. She patted the spot next to her, indicating to him that she wanted him back by her side. He obeyed, this time taking one of her hands in his. With the curtains open and the light beginning to come into the room she got a chance to look around properly. She’d left a mess yesterday, throwing her clothes on a chair and missing most of it. Her blouse was on the floor next to her bra. He’d done the same, just throw his clothes wherever, and his pants were half lying in the hallway. The room itself was how she remembered it; wooden beams, white walls, classy wooden furniture and a few pictures of them on each shelf or flat surface. She spotted a dried bouquet on one of the closets and her heart skipped a beat, it was the bouquet he’d bought her to make amends but she’d left without it. Apparently, he’d kept it, dried it carefully and beautifully and he’d kept it.

Mulder felt her tiny gasp at the discovery of the bouquet and he followed her eyes, falling onto the dried flowers. ‘Oh,’ was all he could say. ‘Yeah, I kept those. As a reminder.’ She looked back at him. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left.’

‘I made you leave,’ he said. ‘I know that. And that’s what I really need to talk to you about.’

** Five years earlier **

She was working as a surgeon in a nearby hospital, while he was, or was meant to be, writing a book. Fiction this time, loosely based on his experience with the paranormal. However, Dana had seen him slowly disappear from their lives. He’d been out a lot, drinking, she guessed by the smell of him. She also knew he’d been visiting old acquaintances, asking about UFO sightings, interviewing people and she knew it was going way past book research. He was veering off course again.

Dana had decided to confront him, to try to help him, because she knew he needed her to keep him out of the hole he was digging, even if he didn’t know it himself.

One night, Fox came home late. He didn’t smell of alcohol, and that was the first thing she noticed. He was on edge though, not greeting her as he slammed the door behind him. ‘I’ll be in my office,’ he grunted. She nodded faintly from the couch. ‘Dinner is in the fridge, just microwave it.’ She was preparing for her work tomorrow, having two difficult surgeries planned before a board meeting, so she kept reading as he ignored her comment about dinner and just disappeared again. After a few minutes, she heard him curse through the thin wall and decided to go to him. She missed him.

‘Mulder, are you all right?’ she asked, standing at his door. When he didn’t answer, she opened the door and found him in a pile of papers, looking for something. ‘Scully, what the hell are you doing?’

‘Checking up on you, I heard you curse. Is everything all right?’

He looked at her and she saw the anger in his eyes. ‘I’m fine, I just.. I swear I have a note with this guy’s phone number somewhere and I can’t find it.’

‘What guy?’ Scully asked.

‘You know what? Never mind,’ he gave up, pushing past her, walking through the living room and slamming the door to sit on the porch. She followed him, because even though tension between them wasn’t unusual this was out of line for him.

‘You know you can talk to me if you need to,’ she said, sitting next to him on the steps. ‘I don’t know what you’ve found, or what you think you’ve found but we can figure it out.’

‘You see, Scully, that is exactly what’s wrong. You don’t even want to know. You just want me to shut up and be your guy. Well, I can’t. I’ve always been this man and I always will be. If somehow that’s still not enough for you, then I don’t get why you’re still around.’

She pulled back next to him, taken aback by his confession. ‘I do want to know, I’ve always believed you, you know that. I’ve been the only person who believed you at several points during this whole thing, and I’ll always trust you, Mulder. You’re being unfair. I’m still around because I love you.’

‘Yeah, and you feel like you need to be around to make sure I don’t do something stupid. Well, maybe living with you was stupid. I feel trapped, sometimes, Scully. Not being able to know the truth traps me. I need to pursue these things I hear, and if you won’t let me then I don’t need you around.’

He didn’t mean anything of what he was saying, he was just really, really angry. At everything and everyone, so right now he didn’t even care if he was hurting her. She wouldn’t leave anyway, she never had before. He’d been nasty to her before, especially right after she’d moved back in with him when things had calmed down with the Father Joe case, months after she had first left. He’d told her to stay away, that he hadn’t changed, that he couldn’t change. However, she had persisted and they had come to the conclusion that their love was not a choice, it was there. Unconditional. He loved her, she loved him, they could live without one another but it was miserable. Their love was something out of this world, the cosmos wanted them together. Unconditionally. So that’s what he expected it to be, just there, and he hadn’t put in much work on their relationship lately.

But right now, on this porch, he felt like he needed her to get away. Away from him, before he trapped her even more. ‘Scully, really, I haven’t changed. I will still go off on a tangent if I believe it’s the right thing. I want to believe, you know that, and if something comes along that will explain something to me then I’ll pursue it. You don’t want that darkness in your life, you never have, and I’ve brought it here anyway. So you really don’t need me either.’

She shook her head, moving closer, trying to comfort him with her arms around his torso. ‘You’re talking bullshit, Mulder. We can work through this together, but you need to be honest with me. We’ve sacrificed so much but gained so much as well.’

He felt even more angry at her trying to comfort him and he didn’t know why. He pushed her arms away and stood on the porch to move down the stairs and into the open field in front of the house. ‘Where are you going?’ Scully called. ‘For a walk,’ he answered. ‘Alone. Just leave me, go away.’

She stood, watching him leave her on their porch. They were in trouble again. Every time they came close to an argument like this she knew she had started this whole thing years ago, when she’d told him she didn’t want him to get into these spooky cases anymore. But they had a home now, they were together, and that meant something. Didn’t it? Right now she wasn’t sure. He was right, she didn’t want him to go down that path again, but it’s his character, it’s in his heart. However, her happiness wasn’t the only important thing here. If he really felt trapped, if she was holding him down, then maybe distance was for the better. She decided to take an overnight bag and get a hotel somewhere, just to let him cool off, and see how he felt about it the next day. 

When Fox came back to the house her car was gone. She didn’t have the night shift, as far as he remembered, so he dropped on the couch sighing deeply. He’d done it again, she had gone to a hotel. He really shouldn’t say the things he had, one day he’d regret it even more than he regretted it already. He called her, she didn’t answer, and he decided to go to bed. He’d call her in the morning and apologize.

The next morning Dana woke up in her hotel room, took a shower, got dressed and headed for work. She really wasn’t in the right mood for two challenging surgeries and a meeting, but it’s what she had planned, so she’d make do. The first surgery went well, exceptionally so, and she exited the room feeling a little better. However, during the second surgery, her assistant made a remark about her personal life, and Scully’s mind drifted to Mulder. Something went wrong, not entirely her fault, not anyone’s fault really but the patient coded and died on the table. Dana had to inform the family: A young woman and their seven-year old, a blonde boy with handsome blue eyes. The mother cried, as Dana tried to comfort her she could see the boy in the hallway looking at her. He knew already, without having been told anything.

As she finished up the report and everything had been cleared she called off the meeting, everyone understanding that she wasn’t up for it, losing a patient sometimes hit harder than other times, even though it was never easy. This one, however, hit her hard as somewhere the family had reminded her of Mulder and her. They would never have a family, William was out there somewhere, but they had talked about a family both agreeing that it wasn’t something they wanted if they couldn’t have it with their own biological child. Still, it hurt her badly though. She had never seen it as a sacrifice for Mulder, her infertility was in no way his fault. But she knew he was afraid of her blaming him. Still, even though she’d tried a thousand times to reassure him that wasn’t the case. She didn’t blame him, she blamed his work sometimes. For the little things, for him missing her doctor’s appointment, for him missing their anniversary of living together. For him believing that he brought only darkness into her life. But life is made up of little things, some dark, some light and together, it was worth it. With Mulder by her side, it would always be worth it.

However, losing a patient after having an argument with Mulder made her want to do just one thing. Crawl into his chest, feel his arms around her, seek his comfort and his reassurance. She didn’t know if he even wanted to see her right now but she didn’t care. They were there for each other whenever the other needed it the most, they had always been, it had been one of the most important parts of their relationship. She knew that, if she really needed him for whatever reason, he’d drop whatever he was doing and go to her, and she’d do the same for him, no matter where she’d be in the world. So she told her colleagues she was going home, not having anything else planned for today, and she drove to their little house in the fields.

Mulder had forgotten to call her this morning, he’d gotten a call from an old friend claiming to have information for him. So he’d skipped breakfast, like he had skipped dinner and he’d driven straight to the city. On the way back, he’d remembered their fight and he had stopped to buy her flowers. Wild flowers, in all sorts of colors, lovely, rich and bright, like her. Right now, he was back at home, looking through the file of information he’d collected and he was desperately trying to connect the dots. As he heard a car pull in, he knew it was her. Thankfully she’s home again, he thought, but he didn’t get up.

Scully walked in, seeing his car out front and his office door closed. He was home. She took off her coat, threw her bag onto the couch and walked into his office. ‘Mulder..’ she said, her voice sad and tired. He didn’t look up. ‘Hey, Scully, you’re back.’

No apology. That snapped something inside of her. Maybe he was right after all. Maybe she didn’t need him like she thought she did. She was a strong woman, independent, she could manage alone, she didn’t have to put herself through this. It wasn’t the first time he reacted like this. Nor the second, or third. She knew she needed him in her life but if her life suffered from being with him then maybe it was time to take some space again.

So she turned, collected a bunch of clothes from her closets, stuffed them in a large bag and walked out, Mulder only reacting once he heard her car again. ‘Scully, where are you going?’ he ran out. ‘I thought you were home for the night.’

‘I was,’ she said, her eyes sad. ‘But I guess I’ve outstayed my welcome.’

‘What? That’s crazy,’ he said, running back into the house to get her flowers. ‘Here, I wanted to apologize for last night.’ She looked at him, not getting out of the car. He continued, standing next to her open window. ‘I’m just close to an answer, Scully, I can feel it. I need to find the answer.’

‘And I don’t fit into that image,’ she said. ‘I understand completely. You know how to reach me, Mulder. I’ll always be there if you need me.’

With that, a tear fell down her cheek and she started the car. He looked at her incredulously. ‘But.. Where are you going? What did I do?’

She snapped her head in his direction. ‘What did you do? You told me to leave repeatedly. I’m going to listen to you.’

‘But.. You left, and you came back,’ he said logically. ‘You didn’t look at me, Mulder,’ she answered quickly. ‘You didn’t even look.’
That’s when he realized. She had come looking for him, like they sometimes did. She had come looking for his embrace without words, for his comfort, the comfort they had shared so many times over the years. And he hadn’t realized it, he hadn’t looked. He had lost her. Again.

** present day **

‘There’s really nothing to say, Mulder,’ Dana said. ‘I overreacted, but I don’t regret it. We both needed time alone.’

‘Not this much time, though,’ Fox answered. ‘We never talked about it.’

‘I waited for you for a while,’ she admitted. ‘I thought you’d call or come looking for me.’ But I guess you didn’t need me like I wanted you to, she said in her head. Five years without him by her side had been hard. She had learned a lot about herself though, but mostly she had learned that without him, she would never be truly happy. They had settled into some kind of friendship, with a lot of unsaid words between them but an understanding that they were okay. Neither of them dared to bring up the events of that one afternoon. They had spent one night together, early on, after a few months of being separated they’d had a chance encounter at a hotel. She’d been there for a party and he’d been giving a speech at a nearby conference. They had shared a passionate evening, but she had still been too hurt and she’d sent him away afterwards. It cemented one thing in their brains though: There would never be anyone else. For either of them.

Having been called back in to the X-files and everything that had happened after that, from her discovering alien DNA within herself to her losing her mother, had brought them together again. It was like it was meant to be. She felt like they were ready, she knew Mulder was still crazy and she knew he’d never give up, but she felt like he had a responsibility towards her as well. He’d been so supportive, noticing even the little things and that gave her confidence. She was at an age that she really didn’t want to spend the rest of her time alone.

‘There’s so much to say, Scully,’ Mulder said, pulling back a little to look onto her face. He saw the lines of age, sadness and grief on her beautiful features and he wished he’d been there to see some of those lines develop. ‘I made so many mistakes then and I don’t even know how to fix half of them. I was a jerk, unreliable and a bastard. I didn’t mean much of what I said, and I know I did a lot of things wrong long before that day. I haven’t changed, I still want to believe, but I also want to believe in us. It’s something I can’t deny.’

She looked into his eyes and in turn saw the lines she’d missed the development of. She saw a peace in his eyes, a quiet peace that hadn’t been there before. He said he hadn’t changed, but he had. He’d become possibly even more the man she needed to be with. ‘I do need you to do something though,’ Scully said quietly. ‘You can’t shut me out like that. You can’t just tell me to leave if I try to help you.’

‘I know,’ he said. ‘But that goes for you as well, you have to believe me sometimes. Hear me out and don’t judge me. I know our beliefs aren’t the same, and they don’t have to be, it’s what keeps both of us sane, but sometimes I need to look for the unexplainable.’

‘I understand that,’ she said. ‘But I’m a doctor and a scientist, it’s my job to explain the unexplainable. That’s what makes us such a great team. It’s why I retested the blood samples of Sveta and myself. A gut feeling, and your conviction. I trust your judgment even though I rationally shouldn’t. You need to trust me in that as well.’ Scully turned towards her bed stand, taking the pills he’d put there and downing them with the water. Her headache was not diminishing, and their talk wasn’t helping.

He noticed her wince and saw her take the pills. ‘You know what, we can talk about this some other time,’ he said. ‘What about breakfast?’

She looked at him gratefully. ‘Do you mind if I take a bath before I eat?’ He hissed. ‘I’m afraid I’ve had the bathtub removed, I didn’t use it,’ he said apologetically. ‘Sorry.’ She looked at him, shocked in the first place that she hadn’t noticed while showering yesterday, and shocked by the fact that he’d taken her bathtub out. That meant something too. She wanted to believe, though. ‘If I’m to move back in here some day, you better get that tub back,’ she whispered, not really intending him to hear.

He heard her though, and he shot a look at her but her back was turned. She looked so small, and her heart was so open right now. He needed to be very careful if he was to fix this. Because he felt like he had never felt it before, this was his chance to fix things.

‘I’ll head for the shower then,’ Dana said, collecting fresh underwear and some other old, long forgotten clothes from his drawers. ‘Breakfast would be nice. We can eat outside if the temperature allows it, I think it would do my headache some good.’

He got up too. ‘Good idea, I’ll clean the table.’

She headed for a quick, hot shower, washing her hair, cleaning her face once again. The loss of her mother was painful, it cut her deep, but it might also lead to something beautiful. As she got out of the shower and dried off, she heard Mulder work outside the window on the porch. It felt familiar and it felt right.

Just as Mulder finished baking the last of his pancakes, she appeared at the top of the stairs. ‘That smells great, I haven’t had pancakes for breakfast in ages.’

‘Well, I thought you could use a pick-me-up, and you haven’t eaten much,’ he said. ‘I also happen to have fresh strawberries.’ He walked outside with two plates, and she followed him with their drinks. She followed him. ‘I’m ok, Mulder,’ she said out of the blue. ‘Or I will be. It just takes time.’

He didn’t know whether she was referring to the sudden passing of her mother, the thoughts of William or to their relationship problems. Either way, she was right, it all takes time. He knew he’d be there for her, whenever she needed him and in whichever way he could help her, he’d be there. Because he had known almost since the first day he’d seen her in his basement office: She meant the world to him, losing her again would be his undoing.

Chapter Text

Take Me Home Again

Chapter 3. William

Scully sat down on the bench outside the house, on the white porch. Mulder followed her with two plates, returning to the kitchen to get their drinks. The food really looked great and Scully suddenly felt hungry. He was right, she hadn’t eaten much. As they ate in silence, both of them pondered the future.

Looking out over the porch and fields surrounding the house made Scully feel at peace. She had always adored the little cabin, the freedom it stood for, hard to find if you didn’t know where to look but standing proud between the bushes and trees once you came close. The road leading up to it was barely there anymore, resembling a dirt path more than it did a road. The only times she had wished they lived in the city had been when the weather had gotten really bad. The electricity would blow out, hot water would be a luxury and it always took a couple of days before everything was back to normal. But nonetheless this house was perfect. And sitting here, with Mulder, again after so long felt nice. It felt.. Almost normal. She glanced over at him and found him staring into the distance, probably thinking much of the same. He met her eyes and smiled. ‘More coffee?’ She shook her head, ‘No thanks, Mulder. I’m fine.’

He nodded. ‘I’m going to get more.’ He stood and passed her, his hand stealing a touch of her knee as he walked past her towards the door. Her eyes followed him, smiling sadly.

As Mulder walked inside, he looked back at Scully. She shivered slightly and folded her arms across her chest. He sighed. She was going through so much and he didn’t know how to take the pain away. He wanted to, he desperately wanted to but they just didn’t have the connection they had once had anymore. No, that wasn’t true, the connection was there but he had forgotten how to use it. He decided to try to learn again.

Collecting a blanket from the couch he poured a coffee and a glass of water and carried everything outside to her. He handed her the blanket wordlessly and she smiled at him, openly, for the first time since forever. ‘Thank you.’

He sat down again and nodded. ‘You’re welcome. We should go for a walk today, Scully, just clear your head for a little bit. It’s still beautiful around here.’

She looked at him. ‘That’s a nice idea, I’d like that. As soon as my headache goes down, all right? I shouldn’t have taken the pills on an empty stomach, I hope the pancakes help.’

He nodded. ‘There’s no rush, I’m fine just sitting here all day. I do that a lot you know, when I’m not working, just sit here. Sit here and listen to the birds.’ She frowned a little, he never used to sit on the porch and listen to birds. She’d have to force him to go outside with her, see the light of day, even when he wasn’t working. Thankfully that seemed to have changed. ‘That’s good, Mulder. The fresh air is good for you.’ ‘I know,’ he answered. ‘I never really appreciated it before, you know.’ Before you left, he had meant to say, but he had decided against it.

She knew. She could still almost read his mind, so she knew what he’d meant to say. She let it go though because there was just so much going on in her read right now.

‘Mulder, would it be ok if I stayed here for a couple of nights?’ she suddenly asked. She hadn’t meant to ask, but sitting here she knew it would help her. She could collect some clothes and toiletries from her apartment downtown and she’d be set. She really had nothing binding her to her own place.

‘Of course, Scully,’ he answered softly. ‘I told you already. You don’t need to ask. You never need to ask.’ He reached over the table for her hand and she gave it to him, entwining their fingers. She felt him squeeze her hand softly and she lowered her eyes. ‘Mulder.. it’s too much. It’s all too much.’

‘I know,’ he said. ‘You’ll get through it. You will, you can get through anything.’ He had been shocked at some of the things he’d seen her undergo, without giving up, without letting go. She was the strongest person he knew, there was nothing in this world that could break her. But he feared that everything that had happened, all of it combined, was doing a pretty good job of breaking down her wall, the wall that kept her up, the wall that kept her distanced from her real feelings. He wanted to help her work through it, because he’d seen that wall break down a couple of times over the years and he knew that she would deal with it alone if she had to, but he didn’t want her to. He needed to be there if she broke.

Scully knew it as well. She felt like she was drowning, drowning in feelings. Emotions. So much had happened to her in her life, and she had tried to give everything its own space within the vastness of her brain. However, lately so many boxes had been opened and so much emotion had been called to the surface that she really didn’t feel like she had any control anymore.

‘Maybe you need to see someone, like a doctor,’ Mulder suggested. ‘You know, to talk about everything.’

‘I don’t need a shrink, Mulder,’ Scully answered. ‘I’ll be fine.’

‘I know, I just thought, you know, with William and everything.. I just thought it might help. If you want to talk to someone about everything there are people for that.’ She sighed, pulled back her hand and folded her arms across her chest. He knew it was a defensive posture, shielding herself from him. ‘I can deal with it. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, but he’s always been there. It was my last and only chance, Mulder. Our last chance at a family.’

He nodded. ‘Yeah, but it’s not your fault. We did what was best for him. You know that too, right?’ She bowed her head and again it hurt him to see her so small, so fragile. ‘We did the right thing. But we’ll never see him, never know him. He’s our child, Fox. And we don’t even know what he looks like.’

‘You have the picture, don’t you? That’s what he looks like, Dana. That’s what we’ll remember him like, he was happy and beautiful and our son. Remember him like that.’

Scully stood, pushed the blanket off her and went down the steps of their porch into the grass. She leaned against the railing. ‘I can’t help but wonder, Mulder,’ she said, not meeting his eyes but keeping them on the dirt road in front of her. ‘What he is like, what he’s doing, how he’s doing in school. What his favorite subjects are, you know, stupid stuff like that.’

‘I think he’s awesome, Scully. He loves biology, probably history too. And science. And he builds stuff, you know, robots, airplanes. His dad will have taught him that.’

‘So you think of him as well,’ she said softer this time but he heard her. Joining her in the grass he put his hands on her shoulders, making her look at him. ‘Yes, Scully. I think about him a lot. But it’s different for you, you gave birth to him.’

‘He’s your son too, Mulder,’ she whispered and her voice broke, tears welling up again. She hated herself for crying so much but she knew it wasn’t a weakness. ‘He’s our son and we won’t get to be there for his life.’

‘We can’t, Dana. He has to be kept safe. He’s different and different is dangerous. Please tell me you won’t go looking for him.’

She finally gave in to the tears, and Mulder pulled her close. ‘I know I can’t look for him, but that’s what makes it hard,’ she said into his chest. ‘I’m afraid I will never find out if he looks like you. Or like me.’

William had been an absolute miracle, conceived probably during one of their first nights together. She shouldn’t be able to conceive and they hadn’t even considered it because the in vitro attempt had been a failure and that had been with actual fertile ova. Her pregnancy had been the last thing on their minds when she had gotten sick and Mulder had been abducted, because it just wasn’t within the realm of possibility. Hearing the news was one of the hardest things Scully had ever gone through. Not knowing what was happening to her had made her afraid of the future, especially if she had to face it without Mulder by her side. She had cried a lot, but she had also realized the miracle that she had been blessed with. A chance to always have a piece of Fox close to her. She didn’t have any DNA tests done, she didn’t have any doubts. It was the only way this could be real. But it had been so difficult, hearing two life-changing things in one day, one horrible, one impossibly beautiful. She had tried to tell him about her experience in the hospital, before, during and after Walter Skinner’s visit, but she just couldn’t explain the feelings to him. They would always be hers, and this was the same. A mother’s feelings for her child, that was something she couldn’t explain to him.

He held her close as he felt her tighten her arms around him as well. He knew she struggled with this, and he again just wished he could help her but he didn’t know how. He missed William too, he wondered about the life of his son too. Most of all, he regretted not being with Scully when she found out, during the pregnancy and not being there when their son was born. He had had it relatively easy, not really getting to know William before Scully had been forced to give him away. She had actually had the time to make a connection with their son, even though he’d seen it in her eyes that first time she’d proudly presented their son to him. Scully was a great mom. But after everything there was just no way they could ever have a family.

And of course, somewhere deep down he blamed himself. He had gotten her into all of this. Which is a part of why he had overreacted so much five years ago, his depression, everything he had been through and everything he had put her through had just become too much. Being alone had not helped him at first, he had been miserable and he had tricked himself into thinking she was better off without him. However after a while he had tried to turn himself around. Hearing and reading about her progress in the medical field, seeing her sometimes made him want to be with her again. But he knew he needed to change in order to make it happen. And then fate had brought them together and he had almost screwed it up again, but this time she had been even stronger as well, seeking him out again and again even when he had almost gone off on a conspiracy theory she couldn’t follow. Only this time she had found evidence. Evidence that had changed them, the dynamic that was their relationship. Alien DNA. He knew that they would be tested now more than ever, and he wanted to be there with her when it happened.

So now they were here, outside their house once again, her body in his arms and he needed it to last.

‘Scully, I need you with me,’ he said into her hair. She pulled back a little and took his hand, starting down the sandy road towards the back of the house. There was a little forest there and she really liked the sound of the birds and other little animals there. She’d even seen some deer there on a few occasions, and it always helped her relax when she walked through those woods. He followed her, knowing exactly where she was going, he knew it was her favorite spot. ‘I’m serious, Scully. We can move to the city but I really need you with me again.’

‘We don’t have to move, Mulder. I love this house, I always have.’ She didn’t answer his question though, her emotions were too raw. She had experienced so many last chances that she didn’t want to say it to him, but this would be their last chance to make it work. She didn’t have it in herself to walk away again. She didn’t want to.

They entered the woods and Scully smiled, taking the lead. ‘It hasn’t changed a bit.’ ‘No,’ Fox answered, letting her off the hook for not answering him. ‘It’s still all the same. And it will be until someone comes here with some heavy machinery to take it down. This place won’t go down easy.’ She looked back at him and he smiled. ‘Just like us, Scully.’

They walked for over an hour, through the woods and across the fields. On the way they talked about their lives alone, how they had found it, what they had learned. They also talked about Scully’s mom and about how she felt with everything going on. Scully admitted to being overwhelmed and her headache hadn’t gone down, so they decided to head back towards the house. Once they were back on the porch, Scully sighed. ‘I’m going to drive into town to collect some of my things. I’d like very much to stay here for now, if that’s all right.’

Fox nodded. ‘Of course. Want me to go with you?’ ‘No, I’ll be fine,’ she answered. ‘Do you need me to pick anything up when I’m in town?’ He did need to get groceries but he’d get them while she was away. ‘No, thanks. Hey Scully? Don’t pack light.’ She put a hand to his cheek before going into the house to collect her keys and bag. ‘I won’t.’

It wasn’t an answer, and it wasn’t a promise. But it was hope and Mulder would take it any way he could. He smiled and stood on the porch as he watched her drive off. So maybe they weren’t perfect, but no one was. Together though they came pretty close.

Scully entered her apartment and dropped her bag heavily on the floor. She hadn’t been here in four days, staying at the hospital and in a hotel room during the case. She threw her coat on the floor and started cleaning out the fridge, a lot of things had gone off and the smell was the first thing she wanted to get rid of. After that, she put the garbage out and only then did she start to think about what she wanted to pack. She would be staying at the house for now, probably going back on cases, so she needed everything. Literally everything.

As she started sorting and packing her clothes for the next few days she realized she was alone for the first time in days. Ever since Mulder and herself had been called to the Trashman case she had been by his side, or with him close to her, except for when she was in the hospital before he followed her. She hadn’t asked him to come but deep down she had known he would. Little things like that were what had her confused, they knew each other so well, better than they knew themselves she thought. Why couldn’t they make their relationship work?

She sat down on her bed, sighing. Tears stung behind her eyes again, but she refused to let them fall. Why was it that when she was with Mulder she’d cry to let it out, but here, alone she was trying to keep her tears in check? She really didn’t know. And she realized that there was so much that she didn’t have an answer to. Was that a bad thing? These days people were used to getting answers to everything. But some mysteries, some questions in life would always go unanswered. Maybe it was time she accepted that. Just as she should accept that them, Mulder and Scully, was something beyond their personal feelings. Too much had happened between them to just keep being stubborn and to keep away from each other. Because frankly, she was certain that neither of them really wanted their lives to be what they were before they had been reunited.

As she finished packing her first bag she contemplated filling another. She easily could, but what would that mean? She’d feel like she was moving back in and she wasn’t ready for that. So she decided to take a second bag anyway but fill it with files and stuff she would need for work, at the hospital or on their X-files.

She called her brother Bill to tell him where she’d be staying and informing him where the urn containing their mother’s ashes was. She knew Bill was probably too busy to care anyway but she found it her duty to inform him. Bill just agreed and didn’t say much else apart from asking her why she would want to be living with Mulder right now. Like Bill said, ‘he has only complicated everything from the beginning.’ Scully started to disagree but she stopped herself, knowing she would get nowhere with her brother anyway. Hanging up the phone she sighed. They hadn’t seen much of each other lately, Bill being busy with work in Germany and her not taking the time to contact him. She didn’t feel sorry though, knowing that Bill could have contacted her any time he wanted. Bill disagreed with a lot of Dana’s choices and frankly she didn’t care. They were, in the end, her life and her decisions. But now that her mother was gone she felt an emptiness, a net that was gone. Whenever she had doubted herself, her choices or whenever she had needed help she had always called or gone to her mom. That was gone now. She would have to figure it out all by herself from now.

Closing her bags up she walked towards the door, looking back around her place. She had lived here for three years now, upscaling after a promotion two years into hers and Mulders separation. It was a nice apartment, luxurious, almost shamefully spacious for one person to live in, but it was hers. Her alone-time, her private space. To give this up would be difficult and she knew she had grown a lot here as a person, so committing to a new start with Mulder was especially hard for her. More so now than before, because having Mulder around again had stirred so much inside of her that she’d come here to deal with. She’d sat here, thinking of their time together, their cases, the abductions, near-death experiences, death experiences, their nights together, and her pregnancy. Their child.

She remembered something, going to one of her drawers. Opening it and moving a box that was inside, she looked at a baby picture of their son. William, who she didn’t know. She had given birth to him,  had screamed and fought for his life but now, she had no idea where he was. She had stopped dreaming of him a little while ago, which had brought on the terrifying thoughts: was she forgetting about him? Was he slowly going to fade from her memory? But those thoughts had done exactly the opposite for her, and on one hand Dana was happy to think about their son, but on the other, it hurt so much to think about what she’d done.

She took the picture from the bottom of the drawer and put it safely away in her wallet. Collecting the last of her things, refilling her toiletry bag and grabbing her laptop she exited her place, locking the door behind her, and got back into her car.

Mulder, in the meantime, had made good use of the time alone. He had done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, restocked on everything and made the bed. He found himself a little nervous for her return, so he decided to sit outside in the sun to calm his nerves. It helped a little, until he heard her car approach. She still had the same car and it made the same sounds. He knew those sounds. Somehow that proved something to him, it proved that she wasn’t gone too far from his life to get her back.

She came around the corner, drove straight past the house and parked behind it, next to his car. Having spotted him on the porch she knew he was waiting for her and inwardly she smiled. Walking back around the house carrying her bags she laughed when he wanted to help. ‘Mulder, I’m fine. I can carry my own bags.’ ‘Ok,’ he answered, helping her anyway, opening the door for her. Two bags, he saw and he made a mental note. Two. Not just one, she could easily have packed one, but no. She didn’t.

After the bags had been put inside, he made lunch. He knew it was past lunchtime with it being 2 pm but he also knew she probably hadn’t eaten. Sandwiches with cheese, tomatoes and lettuce were presented to her on a plate and she took them gratefully, sitting on the couch. He took his place across from her in a comfy chair, and they sat quietly eating their food. After she’d finished, she took their plates and put them on the kitchen counter on autopilot, not even thinking about her actions. Pouring two cups of coffee she handed one to him before sitting down. ‘How are you with all this, Mulder?’ she asked, not really sure what she was asking him. ‘I’m good, Scully. You know, everything has changed, but change is good,’ he answered. ‘At least sometimes, change is good.’ She accepted his answer, thinking that it was only true if you believed in a path that was laid out for you from the beginning. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen? Is there a reason to the decisions we make? Is the path we take in life our own making or simply one into which we drift, with our eyes closed to the possibilities? Is there only one right path, and if so, is it this one?

‘You know, I have this picture of him,’ Mulder said suddenly while standing up. He moved towards his desk. ‘Of William. I keep it here to remind me of what he looked like, you know, because I didn’t know him for long.’ Dana smiled sadly. She had taken that away from him as well. The chance to even know his son. As Mulder opened a box that was on the desk she moved on the couch to make room for him. She could see by the look in his eyes that he really did struggle with the thoughts of William as well.

Fox took the picture out of the wooden box, a picture of a baby boy looking up at the camera with big eyes. Her eyes. He walked back over to the couch, this time taking his place next to her. He handed her the picture. ‘This is the only photo I’ve got,’ he whispered.

Scully looked at him, then back at the picture. ‘Fox..’ she whispered. ‘It’s.. I have the same picture.’ She looked so vulnerable, so hurt, that he could only put his arm around her and pull her into him. He felt her start to shake a little, a sign that she was about to cry. ‘It’s ok, Dana. We didn’t fail him,’ he whispered back but he didn’t know if he believed it himself. ‘You didn’t fail him,’ he added, a lot more certain. ‘You didn’t.’ She sobbed into his chest, still looking at the picture. ‘Then why do I feel like this?’ Looking at the picture, the same one that was in her wallet, she felt the pain deeper than before. Looking at the picture she saw their son, looking up at the camera with big beautiful eyes. His eyes.

Fox held her as she worked through the pain, tears in his own eyes being held back only by his feelings for Scully. ‘You know we have to let him go,’ he whispered into her hair. ‘There has to be an end, Scully. We have to start again some time.’ She nodded into him. ‘I don’t want to forget,’ she whispered back. ‘I don’t ever want to forget.’

‘We won’t,’ Fox said softly. ‘We’ll never forget about him, Scully. I know that. But we have to try and let go a little. We did what we absolutely had to do to ensure his safety. It was the only way.’

She knew he was right, so she didn’t say anything. Sitting here, on their couch, with the picture of their son between them she felt like maybe, just maybe there was hope in this universe. If she was meant to see William again some day, she would see him again. If she was meant to live with these mysteries unsolved then she’d find a way to do so, with Mulder by her side.

Fox was thinking the same thing. Not having been there for so many firsts had almost killed him, but then too he had done what had to be done. He had survived. He found a little comfort in knowing that their son had known his mother, the most amazing woman in the world, and that that woman had done the bravest thing ever, she had given away a part of herself to make sure that part could survive. He felt her pain, maybe a little less intensely because of his absence, but he felt it nonetheless. He did, however, want to believe that they could work through this. To make a place in their minds for this, to keep William’s memory with them at all time but to learn how to function with that presence. Just like they had learned to function with everything else that life had dealt them. That he had dealt her. He knew that she would need time, and he would too. He would try to help her to stop fighting their future. Having her back in this house felt like the best first step towards whatever that future would be for them. But Fox Mulder knew one thing. William would be a part of that future, if only in their minds. And Dana Scully would be a part of that future. Without a singular doubt did he know that Dana Scully would forever be a part of his future.

Chapter Text

‘We’ll never forget about him, Scully. I know that. But we have to try and let go a little. We did what we absolutely had to do to ensure his safety. It was the only way.’

Sitting like this, on the couch together with her head against Mulders chest Dana Scully was thrown back to earlier days. Her memories of that time had been locked away, only to be revisited on lonely nights, but being here with him had caused Scully to think about that past a lot more than she had in years. They had known each other for so long. She had known him longer than she had not, which was a scary thing but it also proved something to her. No matter how many times they walked away from each other, in the past they had always found a way back. She realized that in all those years she hadn’t had a doubt in her mind that Mulder was still hers. And the way he had treated her, the way he had fallen back into comforting and loving her also proved to her that he had felt exactly the same way. It was why this was the right place for her to be right now. And maybe forever.

Sighing, she unwrapped herself from his embrace and put her empty cup on the table. ‘I’m going to unpack a little,’ she said. ‘Would it be all right if I took some closet space?’

Mulder stood with her. ‘I’ll help. I’ve cleared out some space for you.’ She smiled at his thoughtfulness. ‘I’ll be fine unpacking, thanks, but I appreciate the thinking ahead.’ He still followed her, carrying her stuff to their bedroom. She found he’d made the bed as well, and she looked at him. ‘Really?  You don’t have to prove anything, Mulder. I know you,’ she said. ‘I wanted to,’ he shrugged. ‘I’ll leave you to unpack.’ He put her bags down and smiled softly at her before exiting the bedroom. Inwardly he felt nervous, this felt like something big. She was making it out to be nothing but it felt huge. Dana Scully was, right now, unpacking her belongings and putting them back in their closets and wardrobe. Into the closets and wardrobe which they had shared. In their house. Mulder could almost literally feel his heart fill with love for her again, because having her so close and having her allow so much from him felt like the greatest gift he had received in a long time. Dana Scully was the strongest person he knew but she was also the only person he knew that would be so vulnerable with him.

He went back downstairs, cleaning their plates from lunch and checking his messages. Nothing had come up that needed their immediate attention and he was glad, it had been a long time since he and Scully had had some time off together. He was always happy to find a reason to see her, but lately he hadn’t been able to come up with much good. She would see right through him if he just wanted some of her time and sometimes she’d point it out to him, especially when she was busy. Since he didn’t think of himself as needy he had stopped looking for reasons. He had, however, always made sure he had a source that would inform him of her situation, a friend at the hospital, a contact at the police department, even a source at the post company that delivered to her address. He always felt the need to know how she was. Spending more time with her these past weeks had been blessed, but he had also realized: He hadn’t known how she was. He had known that she wasn’t in danger, and that she was physically healthy, sure. But how she really was, what she was feeling and how she was doing? No, he hadn’t had the slightest idea. Still it had never felt like he had lost her. And he wasn’t about to start now. On the contrary, he felt that after everything they had experienced together, or because of one another, in the past and in recent days, they might now have reached a point where they were truly going to be together in every sense of the word. That’s what it felt like for him, if he really listened to his heart. He felt such an overwhelming need to care for her, to stick with her and stay by her side that he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t follow her if she left him once again. But he also wasn’t sure she could still do that. Her heart had softened over the years, age and experience had done that for her and while she was probably still able to shut him out and shut him down with her words, he wasn’t sure she wanted to any more.

He heard her move around upstairs and after he’d cleaned the kitchen he snuck upstairs quietly to stand in the doorway. She was sat on the bed, little piles of clothing being rearranged to fit the closet space. Her back was turned so she didn’t notice him standing behind her. He watched her move around and meticulously fold and stack the spare clothes she had brought. It looked like it was definitely more than a few days’ worth, and he felt honored. When a piece of clothing fell down from the bed he moved to pick it up, alerting her to his presence. ‘Hi,’ she said, not entirely surprised. ‘How long have you been standing there?’

‘Where?’ he joked. ‘I wasn’t spying on you, Scully,’ he added in earnest. He really hadn’t been, it had just felt nice to watch her move around in their bedroom as if she felt like she belonged.

‘I know,’ she answered. ‘You’re just looking out for me. But I’m not a little girl, Mulder. I’ll be fine.’ He was glad she didn’t say ‘I’m fine’, because he knew that that was just a diversion and mostly untrue. ‘After I’ve finished I’m thinking I’d like to go for a run,’ she said. ‘You know, see what’s changed around here and explore a little.’

He nodded. ‘Sure, if you go away from the road everything is pretty much the same. Just don’t run along the Jones’ property, the farmer doesn’t like it much. He chased me with a shotgun more than once.’

‘I’ll make sure to avoid him, although I’m certain he wouldn’t shoot me. Mr. Jones has always had a soft spot for me,’ Scully said, smiling at him. She was right though, the old farmer had asked a thousand times where his beautiful ginger had gone. Mulder knew that if mr. Jones saw Sculy running he would definitely not shoot her, he’d probably bake her cookies. 

About thirty minutes later Mulder was in his office on his computer when Scully entered. ‘I’ll be out for a while, I don’t know how long. I’m going to try to clear my mind a little.’ Mulder nodded. ‘Okay, but take your phone. In case I need you.’ She nodded. ‘I’ve got it with me. Don’t worry if I take long, though.’ He had of course noticed the great shape she was in so he had guessed she worked out a lot. Running along the sandy roads between fields had always been something she had enjoyed but she’d clearly continued it in the city.

Scully had changed into her workout gear and was looking forward to getting some stress out of her system. Leaving Mulder to his thoughts she put on some music on her phone and exited the house, heading for the sandy path she remembered ran between the fields all the way down to an old railway track, making it a workout of about an hour. She started slow, warming up her muscles that had not been worked for a few days, and gradually increased her speed. The sun felt good on her skin, a slight breeze keeping the temperature enjoyable. As she ran, she slowly felt the strain of the past few days leaving her body.

Mulder watched her from his window, he saw how she slowly picked up her run and he saw the way her golden hair shone in the sunlight. He watched as she slightly bowed her head, a typical Scully-position, as she concentrated on her breathing. Her image got smaller and smaller and Mulder calculated in his mind the time she’d be gone. He estimated that she would run all the way up to the old rusty tracks, hopefully take a break there and come back around the other way so as to end up at farmer Jones before coming back home. Calculating in his mind he found that he had about an hour to do what he had been planning ever since she had stayed with him yesterday evening.

He got in his car as soon as he could without Scully spotting him, drove off and headed for the nearest village. There was something that he’d been thinking about and he wanted to get it done right now.

He was back before she was, carefully trying to park his car similarly to the way he’d done before. Looking across the yellow golden fields he couldn’t spot her anywhere and he remembered her saying she would be a while, so he went inside to carefully put away the thing he’d gotten and make tea. He decided to make one cup instead of two, thinking she’d probably like a shower when she got back.

Moving back to the porch instead of his office he thought through what he was about to do. He had gotten her something and it meant something. He was sure that the path they had taken was meant to be walked by the two of them together. They had tried alone. Alone wasn’t working for either of them, he missed her desperately and her reactions to him had told him that she’d missed him too. Being alone was okay sometimes, but most of the time he just ended up feeling lonely and thinking of Scully.

The sun shone brighter and brighter as Dana’s run continued. She reached the old tracks, they hadn’t changed a bit, and she decided to take a break on a tree stump that had been there since forever. Little branches had sprouted from the side but the top was still flat as the day she’d last been here, more than five years ago. It gave her comfort, but it unsettled her also. It was nice to know that some things never change. This tree stump would be here until someone decided to destroy it. Just like her connection to Mulder, it would be there until someone or something killed one of them. And even then, it would still be there. It would just be different. Then again, he would never change either. He’d still want to look, he’d still want to believe. And she wanted to be there when he found his answers, she really did, because she knew how much it meant to him. But could she keep dealing with his crazy ideas? With his recklessness, his ability to get way too far into things he shouldn’t be involved in? He had said he had changed, wanted to change for her, but she felt conflicted. She didn’t want to change him. But some things, she needed to have changed. It was a battle that controlled their lives and their relationships. Still, she knew that she would always need and want him. The past few days, even last night had proven that to her. Every time he reached out to her, every time she felt her heart jump a little: she still had that privilege. She was still the one that got his touch. She was the one that was allowed to reach out to him whenever she wanted, and he would always give back to her what she needed.

Sighing, she stood up again, ready to continue her run. She looked across the field in front of her, a large square patch of green weeds ready to be made into hay. The wind played across the top, moving it like waves on the sea. Behind it was an empty field, and behind that the field that connected to the forest behind Mulder’s house. That field had a farm next to it, and she could just make it out from the distance. She started walking in the direction of the sandy path again, taking the other side of the field this time. Wiping the sweat off her brow she started her run down the road. It was harder than she remembered, the sand being loose and a little uneven. She managed though, and within half an hour she reached the farm. As she approached it she saw a figure on the porch, and she knew it was the old farmer Jones. She waved her hand at him and slowed from a run to a walk, watching as the old man pulled himself into a standing position. He yelled to her from his position. ‘Dana? Dana! Get over here!’ She obeyed, hugging the grey bearded man before sitting down on the steps for a moment. ‘Hello, Sir. How have you been?’ She realized she had missed this man. He had always waved at her during her runs, even when she ran across his fields instead of alongside them. However, if Mulder ever tried to shortcut through, Jones would get angry and threaten to shoot him. He definitely liked Scully better.

‘Good, good, Dana. I’m all alone now, taking care of the farm. You know there’s only one way I’m leaving this place.’ She nodded, she had heard of Ms. Jones’ passing. ‘I’m sorry, Mr. Jones. I heard.’ The man bowed his head. ‘Well, I guess it was her time. But more on that later, Dana Scully, are you back? Has that man finally come to his senses?’ Dana laughed. ‘What do you mean?’ The old man joined her on the steps, sitting down carefully so as not to hurt his back. ‘I told him years ago he should propose to you. You know, put a ring on it. You two aren’t supposed to run around like this. He’s miserable without you. And I’m sure you miss him too.’ Dana nodded, looking off towards the forest. ‘I miss him. I do. And he hasn’t proposed, something happened and I wanted to come here. My mother died recently.’ Jones put a strong hand on her shoulder. ‘I’m sorry, Dana. I didn’t know.’ ‘It’s all right, of course you didn’t. I’m fine really, but I just felt like I needed to be with Mulder.’

Jones nodded. ‘Right, I understand. So you’re leaving again?’ Scully looked at him. The old man looked tired, but strong. He was obviously still hurt by the passing of his wife a year ago but she could see that he had no regrets. Bowing her head down she sighed. ‘I.. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m still welcome there. He tells me I can move right back in, but I’ve been gone a long time. And we’re leading very different lives. I can’t just move back into this one. I’m not sure this is my path.’ Jones frowned. ‘Your path lies where his path lies. Where you live doesn’t matter. You two being together matters. What you have is special, I have never seen anything like it. Don’t waste it on doubts. Life is too short for that.’ She nodded, still looking at the floor. ‘It is.’ She lifted her head to look at the man’s face. Sighing, she stood and put a hand on farmer Jones’ shoulder. ‘Thank you, Mr. Jones,’ she said. ‘I’ll come by again sometime.’ He nodded and covered her hand with his. ‘I’d like that. Let me know, I’ll bake something, you know I’ve gotten quite good at it.’

With one last look at the farmer she started her run again, slower this time, jogging the rest of the way to the forest before slowing into a cool down. Reaching the forest meant reaching shade, and she decided to walk the rest of the way. Her workout had been intense, and even though she loved it she could really feel that she wasn’t twenty any more.

The forest floor was soft underneath her feet as she walked among the trees, their quiet rustling the only sound she could hear apart from her own breathing and footsteps. She sighed as tears started to come to her eyes. Old man Jones had been right. She knew where her heart was. She knew where his heart was. Why was it so difficult for them to just accept that?

She reached the edge of the forest, with only one road to go she could see Mulder sitting on the porch. She waved at him from the distance, and he waved back. The first thing she noticed was that his car seemed to be moved a little bit. He’d probably gone to get groceries, although she was pretty sure he’d done that already. It wasn’t important so she forgot about it as she reached the house. Sighing, she leaned against the railing.

‘Did you have a good run?’ Mulder asked looking up at her from his seat. ‘It’s really hot out.’ She nodded ‘Yeah, I had a great workout. It is hot though, I’m going to go for a shower. Oh, and Mr. Jones sends his regards.’ Mulder chuckled. ‘I told you he’d love to see you.’

‘Actually, he asked if I was moving back in,’ Scully said casually. Mulder raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh, what did you answer?’ ‘I said I didn’t know yet,’ she answered with a smile. ‘I told him I was still working on my report. And the fact that you’ve removed my bathtub doesn’t do you any favors.’ He stood, reaching to take her hand in his. ‘I’m just glad you can smile again,’ he said. ‘Go take your shower, I’ll be here when you’re done.’ They walked inside together and he released her to move to the kitchen, and she watched him go before she went upstairs. Her hand in his, that’s how it had always been. How it would always be.

Chapter Text

Dana closed her eyes and let the water fall onto her face, wiping away any sweat and tears that had formed on her cheeks. Her emotions were so real and raw that everything just seemed to hit her closer to her heart than ever. Still, her emotions towards Mulder had always been a matter of the heart. It wasn’t rational, it wasn’t logical. But it was there, and it was real. It was her path. She felt like she was being tested, like they had to deserve happiness and that it may never be theirs. But she also felt like maybe, just maybe she could create her own happiness. For all his quirks, Mulder was her touchstone. She may not always like the way he dealt with things, or his reactions to things, but it was what made him who he was. And it made him who she loved.

Showering was the best part of her workout, so she enjoyed every second of the experience. It felt like a cleanse, like a layer of her was being washed away and she stepped out feeling like a completely different person. It had also cleared her mind a little. Even though she still hadn’t decided anything she felt like she was more sure of her feelings. Losing her mother had temporarily thrown her off track. But thinking back to what the farmer had told her, she knew one thing. It was Mulder who had brought her back. Every time she had been lost, every time she had felt like crying, like just giving up on hope, on him, on herself, on life. It had been him who had shown her the way. And he was the only person who was ever allowed to see inside her like that, to see her weaknesses. Because she couldn’t hide them from him. And frankly, she didn’t need to.

She quickly dried herself off with one of the biggest towels she had ever seen and put on a comfortable pair of jeans and a shirt that she wasn’t sure was hers. It might be his, or it might have been, a long time ago. It fit her nicely, loose but cute tucked in to the jeans. Fetching a glass of water and an apple she joined him outside again. Sitting down next to him she could see he was miles away thinking about something. He acknowledged her with a smile before gazing back out into the fields.

‘Penny for your thoughts.’

He blinked and smiled sadly off into the distance. ‘I miss this, Scully.’ It was all he said, and she looked down at her hands. The confession had crossed her own mind a hundred times this past day but neither had said it out loud to the other. She sighed. ‘Yeah, it’s pretty nice. It’s a good day.’

‘You’ve had such a rough time,’ he said wistfully. ‘I don’t want you to go through it all by yourself. You don’t have to.’ She looked at him this time, seeing the truth in his eyes. ‘I know I’m not alone, Mulder.’ He met her eyes and she could see in his eyes what she had missed most. His devotion, his love, his eternal commitment. It hadn’t changed a bit, she could remember seeing the same emotions in his eyes years ago. He hadn’t faltered. Nothing was lost. And suddenly, she thought of something. She had thought a couple of times why Mulder had never proposed to her. Not that she necessarily wanted him to, but the thought had crossed her mind. But right in this moment she realized why. He was sure of their commitment without the marriage. To him, there was only her. And it had been she who had given up on him twice now. Betrayed his feelings in a way. She broke their eye contact and looked at his chest. Was that place still hers?

He answered her unasked question by moving closer to her on the steps and pulling her close. She leaned into his body willingly, but this time no tears came. No sadness overwhelmed her, just Mulder. His scent, his arms, his chin on top of her hair. She closed her eyes and relaxed into him, feeling him settle comfortably. ‘You don’t have to say it, Scully. I know,’ he whispered. She smiled against him, knowing what he meant. While looking into his eyes wondering about what she saw there, he had probably seen exactly the same in hers. Because even without knowing it, without actively trying, she had shown him every feeling she had for him. And it had mirrored what she’d seen so beautifully displayed in his comforting, kind eyes.

They stayed like that for a little while, until Dana’s stomach protested against the lack of food after the workout. It was starting to get close to dinner time anyway, so she decided to make them some food. Freeing herself from his arms she stood and looked down at him. ‘I’m going to make some dinner and check in with the office, you stay out here,’ she said. He nodded. ‘They will manage without us for a while, Scully. Come back when you’re ready.’ She shrugged. ‘I’m ready, I just needed today.’ He sighed and let her go inside, knowing that if he pushed too much she would only push back harder. He heard her move around in the kitchen for a while before he decided to go in and help her by setting the table. It felt familiar and yet new to see her in the kitchen again, working on some pasta dish. He was glad he’d stacked up on the vegetables, knowing she would have scolded him for an unhealthy lifestyle if he hadn’t. He moved around her to collect their plates, giving her the one she had always used, a white plate with a blue edge and flowers around the rim. He knew she’d remember and he didn’t point it out to her, wanting to gauge her reaction when she saw it. He made the table, helped her with the last preparations and sat down opposite her as she scooped her pasta onto his plate before looking at her own.

Dana recognized the plate. Of course she recognized it. It was her plate, one of the only things from her life ‘before Mulder’ that she had kept. Well, she’d left it here with him obviously, but still it had been her plate. She felt grateful that he had kept it, and her heart ached at the gesture he had made by putting it down for her. He was trying to make this so easy, so normal, that it was almost natural for her to accept this as her home again. She smiled down at the plate wistfully before meeting Fox’s eyes. ‘I see you’ve kept at least some of my things,’ she joked, still teasing him about the bathtub.

‘I couldn’t throw it out,’ he said softly. ‘I knew I had to try to get you back, and I just couldn’t throw this out. It reminds me of better days.’ She nodded. ‘I know what you mean.’

They sat opposite each other, eating their dinner, lightly chatting about nothing in particular. Dana felt oddly vulnerable and Fox felt quietly nervous. He still had something he wanted to give to her and he couldn’t think about what he’d do if she declined. His heart had betrayed him in the past few days, and all he could think about was her. They made an exceptional team, on so many levels that he knew that this time he had to get it right.

So after they finished dinner, he got up and got her favorite ice cream from the freezer. Handing it to her with a grin on his face he felt proud of himself for remembering. She was touched once again by his kind and considerate heart, and she gladly accepted the small tub of ice cream. ‘I’m going to finish this on the porch, it looks like the sunset is beautiful,’ she said. He nodded. ‘I’ll join you in a second.’ She went outside and he took the moment to retrieve the small box he had hidden earlier that day. Putting it in his pocket he almost felt like he was going to propose to her, he was that nervous. But they didn’t need marriage. Their commitment went beyond that. No, this was about acceptance. About accepting a past and moving on to a future. Together. He wanted to be her rock, and he needed her to be his. Them working together again had proven that to him even more than before, because before it had almost been a given. Now, after losing what they had had, he knew that he had to work for it. But he also knew that her love was the only thing in this world worth working for in the end.

As he joined her outside he spotted her in his rocking chair, leaning back and enjoying her ice cream. He pulled up another chair, sitting down next to her. ‘Scully, I want to ask you something.’ She sat up a little more straight and looked at him. ‘What is it? Is everything ok?’ He nodded. ‘Yeah, fine. It’s just.. I have something I want you to have. It doesn’t mean anything if you don’t want it to, but I would like it to mean something.’

Scully pulled herself to the edge of her chair, leaning her elbows on her knees. She put down what was left of her ice cream on the table next to her. ‘Mulder, you’re scaring me.’ He bowed his head down before locking eyes with her. ‘Scully, ever since you left I know what a jerk I’ve been. And I’ve tried to change. I hope you can see that. And I hope that you would consider the one thing that has been missing in my life.’ He pulled out the rectangular blue case and handed it to her. ‘I would really like you to consider this.’

She knew he was intently not revealing what was in the box, and she took it with shaking hands. Breaking eye contact she carefully touched the outside, it wasn’t a fancy box. It was just.. A case for something. She felt strange, relieved but also disappointed. But as she opened it, her heart jumped a little. She scolded herself for her earlier disappointment, because she should have remembered her earlier conclusion. They were committed already. And this only added to that, because her eyes had landed upon a shiny silver key that laid on a small piece of cloth inside the case. It was, unmistakably, a key to the house. Mulder took her slightly shaking hands in his. ‘Will you move back in with me, Scully? Please?’

The key she had had before had ended up in his mailbox a month after she had left him. She had felt like it wasn’t hers to keep, plus having the key meant being tempted to go back every time. Having needed the separation she knew that it had been for the best to hand it in to him. Obviously, he had made a new one for her. New beginnings.

She dared to look into his eyes again, and this time she felt no reservations. No doubts. ‘Yes. Oh God, yes. Of course,’ she answered. ‘You don’t have to change. I think you’re everything I need.’ He smiled, the brightest smile she had seen from him since they started working again. ‘Don’t give up,’ he whispered. ‘Not again. I promise we’ll make this work. I’ll try, I’ll do anything, because having you back here has shown me that this is the only way that I wanna live.’ She nodded at him, tears again forming in her eyes. ‘I know.’ It was all she could say, and as the ice cream was forgotten and melted in the evening heat Scully and Mulder reveled in the feelings of being together. They didn’t need words, everything was clear as they sat next to each other overlooking the sunset. The key was in her one hand, his hand was in the other, fingers woven together. With a lot of the tension between them suddenly gone Scully felt she relaxed more than she had before. This was her home, this was how it was meant to be. She wouldn’t give up because a long time ago she had known how special this was.

“Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite, your protector, and endangerer. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys, a search for truths fugitive and imponderable.”

Today, one of those journeys had started. This was the beginning of the rest of their lives. The search for his truth, and hers, would continue but their truth had been found. They had found it in each other. She had fought multiple times with everything she had to get him back. And now, for the life of her she couldn’t remember why she had given up. And he felt exactly the same. More than once he had tried to sacrifice, or had sacrificed himself for her safety, for her wellbeing and for her life. But somehow, somewhere along the line he had stopped. Why, he didn’t know. He had always continued loving her but she had become too much of a constant to the degree that he had started to feel like it was normal for her to be there. It wasn’t, and both of them realized it now more than ever before.

Being perfect for each other meant being different. Her protector, her endangerer. One wouldn’t be the same without the other. If he didn’t commit so fully to her he wouldn’t be dangerous for her heart. She would need to give to him what he gave to her, and that was why they were completely and utterly perfectly imperfect, the way they should be. They both thought of this at the same time but neither spoke of it out loud, however they both felt how the other just knew. This was the only way it should be.

Mulder was the first to get up quietly and move into the house. She released his hand and watched him go, wondering where he was going. When he came back out with two glasses of wine she smiled. ‘Did you get that just for the occasion?’ He shrugged. ‘Guilty. Come on Scully, enjoy it. Before you know it you’ll probably want to kill me again.’ She looked down. ‘I won’t, Mulder. You know I love you. You make me not want to give up.’ He handed her the glass and kissed her on the cheek in one movement. ‘I love you too, unconditionally. Tell me everything that bothers you and I’ll try my hardest to make this work.’ ‘It will work,’ she said softly. ‘This path we’ve started on more than twenty-three years ago, it’s still ours. We just needed to find it again.’ He nodded and sat down next to her, his left hand supporting him behind her back. ‘I don’t know if there is just one path, one right thing to do for everyone but I feel like if there is a God, or some being in the universe controlling our movements, then I will always end up at your side. If it’s free will or not, it’s just there. I’d like to think we aren’t being controlled, that whatever we chose to do we do out of our own free will, because we feel like it’s right, but with these past few weeks I don’t know. It’s so random how we ended up here, but I wouldn’t change it. Except for the part where you suffer again. You’ve suffered enough for our sake, Scully.’

She just sipped her wine, listening to his voice, yet not really fully listening to him. She knew he was right though. If there was a God, which she wasn’t sure she believed anymore, then she knew He had a plan for her. The evidence of alien DNA in her body had thrown some of her beliefs out of the window, but still she knew that if they were indeed being sent onto a path of life she wasn’t interested unless Mulder was a part of that path. Not only because she wanted to be at his side when he found his answers, but because she needed him to be there if she found hers.

They sat on the porch for a long time, just watching the incredible sunset unfold before them. The sky had turned a bright red and orange and slowly the sun was disappearing behind the trees, but not before it made the most beautiful spectacle of yellow rays of light in between the branches.

After a while, she shivered. It was getting late and it had almost completely gone dark. The temperature had dropped significantly and without breaking their silent spell Mulder got up and fetched a blanket from the couch. He put it around her shoulders and refilled her wine glass, emptying the bottle. He held it up towards the sky. ‘To Dana Catherine Scully,’ he said softly. ‘May she find here what she’s looking for, may she find in me that which has been missing.’ She touched her glass to his. ‘To you, Mulder. May we find your answers, together. And may we create new questions so that we never grow tired of being together.’ He smiled. ‘I like that. I’ll never grow tired, Scully.’ She turned her head to look into his eyes. ‘I won’t, either. I promise.’

It marked the end of their evening, but the beginning of a new life. Mulder felt anxious, for tonight she would lie next to him not as someone needing comfort, but as someone living with him. She would be lying next to him as someone sharing her bed with him, and even though he knew every secret her body could have had for him and he knew exactly how to please her in every way possible, it had been a long time since he had to prove it. He made a silent promise to her though, softly putting his hand around her waist and pulling her a little closer. He would make her never want to leave again.

She understood what he was thinking because it was what caused her to have butterflies as well. It had been so long since they had first spent the night, and every time since then had been incredible. She hadn’t forgotten, but it had become something she cherished as a memory of something that was long gone. Even though they weren’t as young as before she felt like she was there again, anticipating what it would be like to make love with Mulder again. Because the feelings they had for each other were so pure, she was sure it would be magical. And she wasn’t nervous. She just wanted it to happen, she wanted to start the next chapter in their relationship.

Because “In that book which is my memory, on the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you, appear the words, ‘Here begins a new life’.”

Chapter Text

In the early hours of the morning, a woman wakes up to a feeling long forgotten. Was this what it always felt like to have Fox Mulder next to her in their bed? She thought she hadn’t forgotten what it was like, but it had been so much more than she remembered. How could she not know?

Dana Scully was lying in their shared bed, on her side, and falling asleep had been the most natural thing ever. They were both naked, and what had happened had been magical, and afterwards she had wept. Tears of joy, mostly, tears of happiness. He had wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, and that was how he was still holding her deep into the night. His muscles had relaxed as he had fallen asleep, but he was protecting her and there was no way she couldn’t feel it. Still, she really needed the bathroom.

Carefully she tried to slip from his grasp. She moved her upper body away from him and her legs followed, freeing her from his arms and allowing her to get up. She stood and covered herself against the slight chill with a bathrobe. Softly she padded towards the bathroom.

Fox had of course felt her move. How could he not? He had only been half asleep, his mind keeping him awake with images of her. She was amazing and he had never forgotten it, he had just convinced himself of the fact that she wasn’t his in that way anymore. But she had been, and she was. However when she carefully left his side, he wondered why. Was she having second thoughts, doubts, regrets? His mind was working hard, and he let her go as if he was still asleep because he knew she would wake him if she needed to talk. Then he heard her go into the bathroom and he smiled to himself. They’d be all right.

As Scully softly walked back into the bedroom she saw that Mulder had moved onto his back. He was looking at her, with no particular expression on his handsome face. ‘What are you looking at?’ she asked him softly, feeling a little bit uncomfortable with his gaze. ‘You,’ he whispered. ‘Just you.’ She flushed a little, not that he could see in the almost dark room, but she felt the heat rise anyway. Then she decided what the heck, they knew each other too well for this kind of awkwardness. She smiled at him, took the robe off and dropped it to the floor before walking to her side of the bed and crawling back in next to him. He turned to her side, a smile on his face, his arms coming around her again. ‘You’re gorgeous,’ he whispered. ‘I love you.’ She smiled and tucked her head under his, against his chest. ‘I’m not having second thoughts.’

How the hell did she do that? He smiled and placed a kiss in her hair. ‘Good, because you might have a hard time trying to leave.’ Sighing, he moved one hand to her head, cradling it to his chest. ‘And you know it’s not about the sex, right?’ he added. ‘I just need you with me, all the time. Although the sex helps.’ Scully chuckled and tried to kick him under the sheets but failed miserably. He laughed into her hair. ‘Hey, easy. Just kidding.’ ‘I know,’ she answered. ‘Of course I know. I love you. And it was unbelievable. And I know that it won’t be easy but it’ll be worth it. You are.’ Mulder pulled her a little closer. ‘No, Scully. We are. We are worth it. We’ve deserved a little happiness.’

And she could only agree, agree wholeheartedly by snuggling closer to him, tightening her arm around him and closing her eyes. It took a little while for sleep to capture both of them but listening to each other breathing, living, comforted them. They were back together, their hearts beating in sync and this time they would stay that way. No matter what life threw at them next.

 They slept well into the morning, even though Mulder had set an alarm for 7AM. Somehow one of them had turned it off and gone back to sleep, and Scully woke to the smell of coffee around 9 o’clock. Instantly, she was fully awake. ‘We’re going to be late for work .’ Mulder wasn’t around to hear her, because he was in the kitchen preparing some food, but she instantly regretted saying it out loud. Her first thought this morning shouldn’t be work. She had slept well, but she had dreamt about a lot last night. About Mulder, of course, but also about William. And about her mom. She missed her mom desperately, especially now that there was so much to tell her. So much she needed her mother’s comfort and blessing in. However she couldn’t tell her, she couldn’t be sure her mother would be listening to her.

Mulder had woken a little earlier to Scully almost pushing him out of the bed. He had felt her move around a little during the night, she had also made noises, cute, endearing noises that had told him she was dreaming. He could only hope that her dreams were pleasant, but she didn’t seem to be having nightmares. He remembered clearly what that sounded like, and last night hadn’t been that. So as he felt her move against him he had decided to give her the space she apparently wanted, and he had gotten out of bed. Watching her sleep had felt a little creepy but he hadn’t been able to stop himself for a few moments before moving downstairs.

As he prepared coffee and eggs he heard her voice, but he wasn’t able to discern what she was saying. ‘Good morning Scully,’ he called upstairs. ‘I’m making coffee, there’s no rush.’ He knew she was planning on going to work but he also knew that Skinner wouldn’t be expecting them. ‘Good morning,’ she said from the top of the stairs. ‘I’ll be downstairs in a minute.’

Wanting a quick shower before heading downstairs the bathroom was her first stop. She collected some clothes, nice ones, appropriate for work before quickly showering. She felt different, and looking in the mirror she thought she looked different. Her body hummed. She felt alive. Not necessarily just happy or just sad, but alive. And she liked the feeling. Although it was scary, she knew that she never wanted her life to be stagnant again. With one last look at herself she decided that she was going to be happy. Whatever came their way, whichever obstacle would be thrown at them, they would do more than survive together. She would have been able to survive by herself. But with Mulder, she felt like they would thrive. The answers would come, the moment that they had been working towards would find them some day. And that day would find them together, like they were supposed to be. She felt that now more than ever.

As Mulder put the plates on the table he heard her descend the stairs. She was already wearing her heels, the ones he had seen standing next to her unpacked bag, and he knew she would be all business. ‘Eat something before you leave,’ he said carefully. ‘I will,’ she answered softly as she moved over to him. Almost hesitantly she reached up to kiss him, and it took him slightly by surprise but the tenderness of her kiss wasn’t lost on him. He put one hand on her waist and softly kissed her back before releasing her with a smile. Scully smiled back at him, lowering her eyes to the floor before moving away. She sat down at the table. Mulder looked at her a moment before joining her. ‘This is good, thank you,’ she said, holding up the cup of coffee. ‘Did you turn off the alarm?’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t know, one of us must have. But Skinner hasn’t called yet so I think we’ll be fine. I’ll drive you.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m driving.’ He had been in the car with her a thousand times and more, but he knew that if Dana Scully said she was driving, then she was definitely driving. So he nodded. ‘Ok.’

They ate breakfast in comfortable silence, Scully feeling his eyes on her the entire time. Every time she would look at him he’d either meet her eyes and smile a little, or avert his eyes just in time. She secretly loved his teenage boyish behavior, so she let him and didn’t call him out on it. He was glad because he simply couldn’t help himself.

She drove them to work, where they sat opposite each other finishing reports for most of the day. A couple of co-workers came to tell Scully how sorry they were to hear about her mother passing, and Mulder could see the effect it was having on her. When it was around four he decided to cut in. ‘Do you want to get some coffee?’ He could see she needed some air. ‘Actually,’ she answered, meeting his eyes from across their desks. ‘I think I’d like to go get mom’s ashes.’ He hadn’t expected it and she was clearly not completely fine with the idea either as he could see tears in her eyes. ‘I think it’s time to say goodbye.’ She swallowed hard and he stood, crossing the small office space to stand in front of her. He put an arm on her shoulder as comfort, but she stood and let herself fall against him like she had in the hospital. It felt like she was trying to get inside his body, to hide in him, and he held her as close as possible as he felt her try to stay strong, try with all her might to keep her tears in check. Like before, she managed quite well. ‘Let’s do it,’ she said. ‘I need to do it.’ He nodded. ‘If you’re sure.’ She looked at him and he could see she had made her decision. ‘I am.’

They checked if it was ok for them to leave for the day, and with every case wrapped up they didn’t run in to problems. Mulder questioned why they even bothered asking. ‘We’ve never asked if it was ok we leave,’ he said, his tone slightly moaning. ‘Scully, come on. Just come with me.’ Dana insisted on checking, and after she’d been cleared to leave she joined him in the hallway. ‘We need to do this by the book, Mulder,’ she said. ‘We don’t know what the current policy is on relationships between partners. We can’t just go and do whatever we want.’ He nodded. ‘Come on, we can do whatever we want now, can’t we? Let’s go.’ She bowed her head and walked past him, feeling him fall into step behind her. She knew he didn’t agree with her but for once he didn’t tease her, he just let it go and she was grateful.

This time, she surprised him by getting in on the passenger side and leaving the keys on the drivers seat. He didn’t question it after his initial surprise and while he got in he quickly checked from the corner of his eye if she was ok. She looked tired, and he reached his hand out to grab hers. ‘Tell me what you need, ok?’ She nodded. ‘I need you to drive me to where I need to go.’ She couldn’t say the words, and she didn’t have to. He knew where to go.

The weather turned dreary as they neared the coast, and as Mulder pulled up to the white building again he thought back to two days ago when they had been in this exact position. Looking at her he could see she looked better now than she had then, but he also saw that she was far from ok. She met his eyes and he understood, she wanted to go in alone again. He let her, knowing she probably wanted to prove to herself that she could still function alone. But she wasn’t alone and she knew it.

As Scully walked back towards the car with the familiar urn in her hands, he could see the cloudiness in her eyes. They didn’t speak, and silently he drove her to the coast. She stayed close to him, and Mulder wrapped an arm around her as soon as they got out of the car. She carried the urn to the water and put it down. Then, she met his eyes. It was the first time they really looked at each other since they had been at the cemetery, and that had been a fleeting look. The emotion and love in Mulder’s eyes overwhelmed Scully for a moment, but she recovered quickly as she knew he could see the same in hers. However, there was more. She felt love, sadness, but there was something else. A primal need to stay with this man. She needed him with every fiber of her being. Not in a sexual way, and she couldn’t describe the feeling, but she felt like she might disintegrate if he left her side. He recognized it in her eyes and he was quick to reassure her. Pulling her close for a short hug he whispered in her ear. ‘You’re fine, I’m here. You can do this.’ She pulled back and nodded.

Mulder moved behind her a little, standing very close but keeping his hands by his side. The dark clouds that had formed over the water made the whole scene even more miserable. The wind was blowing towards the sea, and as he thought about what she was going to do he wished this hadn’t happened. Why did Scully have to lose so much? Would it ever end for her?

Dana felt the strong presence of Fox Mulder behind her and it was enough. It gave her the strength to pick up the urn and turn the lid off. Slowly, carefully, she took off the lid and did what had to be done. As the ashes blew towards the sea, Dana leaned back a little. Instantly, Fox was with her, his hands coming around her. She was shaking slightly. ‘Bye, mom. I’ll be fine now,’ she whispered. ‘Go be with Melissa.’  She felt the wind in her hair, blowing it forward, and she saw the ashes disappear on the wind. It was sad, but beautiful, and she tried to remember all the good things rather than the bad memories. ‘I miss her, Mulder,’ she whispered. ‘And I miss William.’ He stepped in now, her words to him a silent invitation to comfort her. His hands landed on her shoulders and his lips in her hair. He kissed her there before whispering back. ‘I know, Dana. Only time can heal those pains. But you’re not alone.’ She nodded. ‘I know.’ Her hands found his and she turned around. Folding her arms around him, under his open coat, she really felt like she wasn’t alone. A part of her had just been taken out into the ocean, but another part of her had been found last night. With him.

Because suffering passes, but love is eternal. That’s what she felt as she stood there, mourning the death of her mother and the loss of her son. Mourning for everything that had happened to them over the past twenty-three years. She honestly couldn’t think of anyone she would die for, anyone she would do more for than for the man who was holding her as if his life depended on it. And she knew he felt the same. A touchstone was what she had needed, so a touchstone was what he had been. If tomorrow she needed him to be her partner, if tonight she needed a lover, he would be all of that for her. And she didn’t think twice about that kind of devotion, because it was mirrored in her own feelings. Anything he needed, she’d be, come hell or high water. Anything.

Chapter Text

After saying goodbye to her mother, Scully stayed on the pebble beach a little longer. She was grateful for Mulder’s presence, and she cherished the fact that they could just sit together without having an awkward silence or even more awkward conversation. He was sitting next to her, on the same log bench they had sat on during their first visit here. Their situation had been different, yet the same, and that was comforting. The world around them was still the same. They were the same, the only thing that had changed was their intimacy.

Scully looked up at Mulder, who had been sitting next to her in silence for the past ten minutes. He seemed miles away, but as her eyes landed on his face he met her gaze. ‘You ok?’ he asked. She nodded quietly and squeezed his hand, which hadn’t left hers. ‘Yeah. People lose people all the time, Mulder. Time will heal this. I’ll be fine.’ He frowned a little. ‘You’re not just people losing people, Scully. You’re allowed to feel, you’re allowed to cry. Don’t feel like you can’t be affected by this.’ She nodded slowly. ‘I’m afraid it might consume me. Memories of William do, if I let them. I’m afraid of that, I can’t let that happen.’ He turned his view back towards the water. ‘You won’t lose it,’ he said. ‘Your faith and strength will keep you on the straight and narrow. And you’re not alone.’

She smiled sadly and also turned to overlook the water where her mother’s ashes had been spread. ‘I don’t feel alone. And I feel strong. It’s just hard.’ He nodded but didn’t say anything, and they stayed like that for a few moments longer before either of them felt the need to move.

When Mulder started to feel a shiver run through Scully’s body he decided it was time to move. He’d bring her home, warm her up with a cup of tea and just support her as much as he could. ‘Are you ready to go?’ he asked, removing his hand from hers to put it around her shoulder. ‘You’re cold.’

She nodded. ‘Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go,’ she answered. Shivering, she stood and Mulder followed close behind, keeping his arm wrapped around her shoulders. She accepted his support and walked close to him, and she let him drive her home. He did, and once they were home he immediately put the kettle on for tea. She smiled at him, feeling like a princess with his considerateness, and she decided to accept and not question it. He was trying so hard. She watched him move from across the room, getting two cups and selecting their tea flavor. ‘I’m going to change,’ she said softly. ‘Get more comfortable. I’ll be right back down.’ He turned to look at her and nodded. ‘Ok, don’t let your tea go cold.’ She smiled. ‘I won’t, I promise.’

She kept her word and within a few minutes she came back down the stairs again in her long pajama pants and a sweatshirt. Mulder had sat down on the sofa with two cups of tea and he mentioned for her to join him. She sat down next to him, folding her legs on the couch. ‘Thank you for the tea,’ she said, ‘I’m cold.’ He nodded. ‘It’s the stress this is putting on you, it’s so much. You don’t have to deal with this by yourself, I’ve said it a thousand times but I mean it.’

She leaned her head on his shoulder. ‘I won’t. You’ve always been my support system. I needed you there today.’ His hand came up to shortly caress her cheek before reaching for his tea. ‘I’ll keep you grounded,’ he said. ‘When we move forward, I’ll never let you go at it by yourself again.’ She softly shook her head. ‘I don’t need you to make my decisions for me, Mulder.’ He chuckled. ‘Oh, I know that. And I wouldn’t do that, but I won’t let you put yourself into harm’s way without me again.’ She accepted his answer and sat up again, reaching for her teacup. He reached it sooner and handed it to her, winking out of the corner of his eye to make her smile. She did, that half-smile that said you’re ridiculous, but that’s why I love you. And it was enough, enough to know she would be ok. She would survive this like she would survive almost anything, and he’d seen her survive a lot. It made them who they were, and it made them reach this point together. Mulder drank his tea and watched her drink hers, thoughts of Margaret Scully going through both their minds.

 ‘Are you hungry?’ Mulder asked after a while. He was, and it was getting to be late dinner time. She nodded. ‘Yeah, but I’m not in the mood to cook. Do people still deliver out here?’ He smiled. ‘They do, actually, but it can take a while for the food to get here.’ She put down her empty tea mug and leaned back on the couch. ‘Let’s order Thai food, Mulder. I’m not cooking.’ He nodded. ‘Sure, do you still order the same?’ She looked at him, wondering if he really still remembered. ‘Yeah, still the same,’ she answered, not giving away what she’d order and he reached for his laptop. ‘Great, it’ll be just like old times!’ His cheerful words made her feel a little better, and the fact that he’d still remembered her Thai preferences also pleased her. He was so considerate, and she’d almost forgotten that about him. The more time she spent with him, the more she remembered how much she loved him. And how completely he loved her.

About an hour later their food arrived, and it was exactly what Scully had wanted, the quality even better than she remembered it being years ago. ‘I’ve missed this,’ she admitted, while chewing on her food. ‘I really have.’ He was sitting back on the couch, his box of noodles and chopsticks in his hands, watching her devour the Thai. ‘Having food delivered to you while living alone just doesn’t feel right,’ he said. ‘I’m glad I can share it with you again.’  They continued to eat in silence, their company being enough. When they finished Scully cleared everything away and put on the dishwasher, something Mulder had had installed after she’d left, and he was glad she didn’t comment on it but just used the convenience of it before moving out to the porch again. He followed her, she took her laptop with her to work on case files and he listened to music for a little while. They both were glad that the other let them do whatever they wanted, because for both of them it reaffirmed something. For Scully, it meant that Mulder again accepted her need to work at this hour of sadness, work distracted her and she needed that. He understood her need and he let her work, knowing she’d come to him when she was ready. For Mulder, it meant that he had found his safe haven again. He had, for a long time, felt the need to constantly work on something, research something. To sit still would mean to waste time, but right now, tonight, he just wanted to enjoy Scully’s company and not work for a little while. If she would need him, he’d be there, if she didn’t then he’d just quietly observe her while she worked, take strength from the way she dealt with things, and be amazed by her dedication to both him and to the work. She hadn’t gone to her own apartment, which was still her home of course, but she hadn’t once tried to go there instead of being with him. He loved that about her, and he accepted her into his home without hesitation.

After a while Scully started to feel the need for his closeness. It was getting dark, and with the falling darkness a sad feeling settled in her stomach. One she couldn’t lose, and one she knew would only be settled by his kind words to her. She had learned to live without those words, and right now she wondered if maybe she didn’t have to anymore. He had been quiet behind her, undoubtedly watching her work, and she wondered if he had seen the slight slumping of her shoulders which had happened involuntary. He had, of course, but he had decided against acting on it because he felt it was important she engaged their contact. She was fragile but strong, and he had no doubt she would come to him if she needed to. And she did, closing her laptop and putting it down next to her she turned around. ‘Mulder..’ It was all she could say.

‘Talk to me Scully,’ he said, his voice hoarse with relaxation.

She didn’t talk, but she stood and approached him. He stood up as well, putting his old mp3-player on the side, and the look in her eyes told him what he needed to know. She didn’t need to talk. She needed to be held. So he opened his arms to her like he had done many times before, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. Her arms came around his back holding him to her. Sighing deeply she seemed to relax in his embrace. ‘You’re all right,’ he whispered into her hair. ‘It’s not your fault. None of it is.’ She knew he was talking about so much more than her mom’s death, more than William, he was talking about everything. Nodding into his shoulder she accepted his statement. ‘I’m going to go to bed,’ she whispered back. ‘I’m tired.’ He released her, and in an awkwardly sweet moment she looked into his eyes, wondering if she could kiss him. He smiled down at her and softly took the decision from her, kissing her as if it could heal her wounds. It couldn’t, but it helped, and she smiled as his lips left hers. ‘I know it’s not my fault,’ she finally answered him. ‘Thank you, Mulder.’ She didn’t know for what she thanked him but she felt the need to and he seemed to accept it. He followed her inside, taking everything they had taken outside with him, and he closed and locked the door behind them. She disappeared upstairs to brush her teeth and get ready for bed, and he took a short moment to look around the house. She had been back here for the shortest time, but it already felt like she had never left. She was home.

Dana followed her usual evening routine, opting for another quick shower before changing into her pajama top and shorts and getting into their bed. It smelled like him, and tears came to her eyes at the realization. This was her home, he was her best friend. The only person in this world now that she could really fully trust was Mulder. She was glad that he was with her right now, glad that they had mutually come to this decision at this time. Frankly, she didn’t know how she would have survived not being around him right now. Even his smell en the sheets gave her comfort.

He joined her upstairs as soon as he had finished clearing stuff away downstairs, and he had heard the shower so he also quickly washed before joining her, wearing boxers and a T-shirt. She was on her side facing the door, and her eyes followed him around the room. She didn’t turn around when he got into bed and he took the opportunity to lie behind her and spoon her into his body. She let him and it was sweet and loving but it created tension, both of them remembering the first time he had ever done this. It had been the day before his abduction. Before she had found out she was pregnant. The day before her whole world had fallen apart he had held her like this, because she had been feeling ill he had warmed her body with his own, spooning her with the blankets between them. He had done it many times since, had pulled her back close to his chest with or without the blanket in between, but somehow it had always reminded one of them of that night.

She broke the tension by turning in his grasp. ‘I missed you,’ she said, and he knew she was thinking back as well. He moved an arm around her, the other coming up to tangle in her hair. ‘I’ve missed you too. But we’re here now. Try to sleep, Scully,’ he said softly. She nodded and found a comfortable position close to him, her cheek against his chest, her arm around him. 

The events of the day flashed by before her eyes while she was trying her hardest to get some sleep. She could feel Mulder slipping into a deep slumber, knowing he wasn’t really fully asleep by the way he was still holding her, but sleep didn’t seem to want to come for her. So she remained awake, but not sleeping didn’t mean not resting, as her mother used to say so she tried her hardest to at least relax and get some rest.

Somewhere around 2 AM she finally fell asleep. Mulder, who had been awake but quiet, felt her go and he sighed with relief. He’d been scared she wouldn’t get any sleep tonight and he was glad to finally have her sleeping in his arms, like last night. Quietly he whispered to her before closing his eyes again. ‘I’m so happy we’re back at it again, Scully. My life is so much fuller with you in it.’ He kissed her hair softly before falling asleep himself. Scully had subconsciously heard his words but she was interpreting them as a dream, a very nice dream that she didn’t want to wake up from. As Mulder got quiet, his words went on in her dream and both of them slept through until the morning sun woke them up around 8 the next morning.

That morning, Scully tried to make a conscious effort to appear unaffected by everything that had happened. She woke up and everything that had happened came back full force, but she suppressed it quickly by closing her eyes and gathering herself for a moment. When she turned around and opened her eyes again she was looking straight into Mulder’s. ‘Good morning,’ he said.

‘Good morning,’ she replied. ‘Thank you for holding me last night.’

He smiled. ‘You don’t have to thank me, Scully. I’ll hold you any and every night from now on.’

‘I’d like that,’ she responded before turning away from him again. ‘I’m going to take a shower and head for the office. I need to get back to work.’ He sighed behind her and watched her leave the bed. She was in denial mode and he knew it. It wasn’t that he wanted her to face her fears every second of every day, he just wished she’d be honest about her feelings with him. It had to hurt and he felt like he could help if he only knew exactly where it hurt. On a gut feeling he decided to join her in the shower and tell her what he was thinking.

Twenty minutes later they were both eating breakfast, after Mulder had gotten in the shower behind Scully and after he’d whispered in her ear that she could be honest with him she’d hugged him, they had made love sweetly but quickly and now she had regained her composure and was ready for work. There was a case, they didn’t quite know what it was about yet, but Mulder swore to himself that he’d keep an eye on her. That he’d keep her away from death if he could, away from anything that might be too much for her right now. Away from anything that might break her composure.

She decided to drive by her apartment first, take care of some things before meeting him at the office. He let her go, telling her to read up on the new case like he would and meet him in the basement office later. She nodded and smiled sadly at him before leaving. They hadn’t said it, but they both knew that the end of this case would find them both back here again. She had a key again, and they had promised each other not to screw this up again. She felt vulnerable, but strong, and he felt determined to help her keep the balance between telling people everything and crying all day and fully diving back into work. He knew she would need help with that, and he knew she would not ask for it, but he knew the task well and he was up for it. So as he drove to the bureau, alone, he felt peaceful. This was their new balance. This was their life again. She was home again.

Chapter Text

Holding her hands he was standing on his driveway.
Love, life, devotion. Scully. It was everything he needed to know, and he would. Again.
She felt the same, her hands in his warm and strong. Together was enough. It always had been. Only now, they were so much more. He matched her. Philosophically, scientifically, physically, they were compatible, always had been since they had first met in his basement office.
A silent promise between them said they would never let the other forget it. No more.
They were back. Working and living together. Like they always would be.
Home again.