love (like we never hurt)

A strong gush of wind woke Seokjin up from his drowsy state that had settled over him after spending something like twelve hours in the plane but it didn't take away the soreness in his back and his legs from not moving for so long. An old man walked past him on their way to the admission area but he didn't even have the heart in him to huff out a laughter; his body still felt heavy and craved for a real bed, with a mattress long enough to fit him. Instead, he mechanically followed the crowd, passport ID in one hand and his phone in the other. It was a well executed dance he knew by heart now, after having left the country for one year to travel the world. It was the first time in twelve months that he came back to Korea and he still wasn't sure whether he had missed the country, its people and its rules or not. Maybe a masochist part of him did.

Usually, travelling around the world is an unattainable dream for most people. It was something they promised themselves to do but never actually did, because it actually asked for free time and money and resources. Maybe they visited one or two countries at best. But, working in Korea left little time for leisure.

It had never been Seokjin's dream to travel the world. It had never been on his bucket list to find himself soaked to the bone in Scotland or swimming in a bright blue ocean by the Bahamas. It had never been his goal to volunteer in Africa with an association or to end up drunk in a bar in Seattle. Yet, he did it all. Stupidly, or maybe he had just been naive, he had gone to live his boyfriend's dream after they broke up. For the five years they'd been together, travelling the world together had been his now ex-boyfriend's only purpose and Seokjin had worked countless hours to make enough money aside to afford such a trip.

And then, he had all but been left alone. Just like that. Life could be ruthless at times. Oh, Seokjin had certainly been heartbroken like he had never been before. And there had been no crushes, no one-night stand, no short-termed relationship to replace the constant aching in his chest that never failed to remind him of what he had lost.

( Five years of his life. Five years of all kind of memories, of love, of laughter and promises.

Five years of lies. Of empty words. )

Seokjin stared at his phone after successfully being admitted in his own country. He hadn't turned on the data yet and didn't want to - he had barely given any news in the whole year he had gone. Seokjin had always been like this: it was all or nothing, a hit or miss, give or take. Running away from everything he had ever known in Seoul meant forgetting he had family members and friends who cared for him. One way or another, they all were linked to his ex-boyfriend and he had to forget it all. He had to move on, and for that it had meant being selfish and putting himself first before all. Strangely enough, it had been a piece of cake.

He still wondered about his friends' whereabouts. He always did. Days had turned into weeks then into months and at some point, Seokjin simply didn't have enough strength to send one single mail. One year was a long time for things to shift unexpectedly; did Jimin finally become a dance teacher? Did Namjoon publish a book? Who knew. Others did, but not Seokjin.

It was only when he was in the subway that was taking him from Incheon to Ewha University's stop that he finally found the courage to activate the data on his phone. He stared at the screen, at how notifications popped up instantly, one after another without giving him the time to check out the important ones. Mails, texts, missed calls, voicemails. There were countless ones, even from those recent days and when Seokjin realized that Jimin never stopped to keep him updated about what was going on while he was away had his heart swelling with affection for the younger. Mostly, Seokjin felt grateful and sorry all at the same time. He didn't deserve a friend like Jimin, but was glad to have him nevertheless. Was that selfish of him? Certainly.

One of Jimin's latest message was about how Taehyung (one of his new friends, apparently) had brought him and Namjoon to this underground bar where the bartenders were hot and the drinks were cheap and it was both sexy and cozyㅡ how these two words ended up in the same sentence, he had no clue. Seokjin just felt thankful that Jimin had given him the address, and the next time they'd go there. Surprising his friends with his unexpected appearance would be quite the event. It almost seemed like Jimin was giving him too many details in hope to see him appear out of nowhere.

That's how Seokjin found himself two days later facing a black door with a white skull painted on it. That had him thinking twice before entering but he just hadn't spent one hour deciding on how to dress only to walk away. It was now or neverㅡ his crooked fingers found their way to the door's handle he lowered before he walked downstairs where he was welcomed with dimmed lights, some hip-hop background music he'd be unable to know the name of, and surprisingly not many people. Was that a place only for a limited amount of people? Seokjin glanced around, dark brown eyes taking in the surroundings curiously and, admittedly, hesitantly. This bar was exactly like those bars in movies only a few people knew of, where everyone knew each other but it wasn't suffocating. It felt like the place to go to when it came to forget realityㅡ Seokjin found it rather ironic that he felt this way in a bar located in Seoul when he'd been in countless bars and clubs around the world.

Anything to forget.

His eyes settled a moment on the countertop where three men stood behind. One seemed rather tall and muscular although his face was screaming youth, the other was smiling wide, dimples showing as he did appear to tease his co-worker. The last one stood a bit away from the pair, busy drying off beer glasses with a dish rag. All Seokjin had managed to catch was a pair of dark, intense eyes glancing up at him before a screech caught his attention and had him looking away. Even in the distance, he was recognizing Jimin. Namjoon sat next to him on a black couch, lips pursed in a tight smile while Jimin was laughing his heart out, body sprawled over the other's lap. Namjoon always had a soft spot for Jimin. A huge soft spot. Next to them was the young man he supposed was Taehyung: boxy smile, messy hair, twinkling eyes.

The realization that he was going to break their happy mood weighed heavy in his stomach. He couldn't do this to them; disappearing and reappearing out of nowhere was rude and selfish and unnecessary. No, he couldn't stay. He had to go before they saw him and before he ruined everything. He'd just text Jimin laterㅡ

"Jin Hyung!"

Too late.

Several heads turned towards him for a second but most of them looked away in complete disinterest. However, the bartenders - the three of them - were staring at him the same way Jimin, Namjoon and Taehyung were. A little awkwardly, Seokjin smiled and headed towards the table his friends were seated at. It was really strange how he was feeling like a stranger - as if he didn't speak the same language as his friends anymore, as if they weren't even from the same planet. This scared him. Going to travel around the world hadn't scared him as much as meeting his friends after so long did. However, he still wanted to try and figure out whether he belonged anywhere anymore.

"Hi." He said and gave a small wave with his hand. He kept telling himself that it was all a bad idea, that he shouldn't have come here and found out that he was right when Namjoon looked away from him, lips pursed in a thin line. He seemed upset, rightfully so.

Jimin was different though. The shorter one out of their small group of friends stood up with a huge smile taking over his facial features, his eyes almost watery. Perhaps it was just a light effect. The hug, although unexpected, was more than welcome and Seokjin felt a sense of appeasement settle over him. The familiarity that came with hugging Jimin felt like coming back home. It was incredibly heart-warming and Seokjin wrapped his arms back around him, eyes closing. "Welcome back, hyung."

They had barely parted that the owner of the boxy-smile popped up right next to them and introduced himself as Taehyung. His voice was unexpectedly deep, warm like a hot chocolate or a heavy blanket that he wrapped around him during winter. "Jimin and Namjoon hyung told me a lot about you, hyung. I can call you hyung, right?"

Before Seokjin could reply, another one was next to him. One of the bartenders. "I'm Hoseok, it's very nice to meet you, finally. We all heard so much about you!"

That, of course, got Seokjin to raise his eyebrows towards Jimin who just shot him his famous innocent eye-smile before he was tugged towards the black couch to take a seat next to Namjoon who still hadn't spoken to him. He couldn't blame him, he really couldn't. Then why did he feel like crying? Apologies were at the tip of his tongue, explanations were filling his mind - he had imagined this moment so many times, went through all kind of scenarios to the point he lost sleep over them. But, just as he parted his lips, Namjoon chuckled, rubbing the palm of his hand over his face in complete disappointment. Seokjin would learn in a second that this disappointment was directed at Namjoon himself, and not him.

"God, hyung. You look so stressed and exhausted that I can't even get mad at you for appearing like this, out of nowhere. Relax." Namjoon laughed, clapped a hand over Seokjin's shoulder with a nod and Seokjin finally felt like he could breathe properly. It definitely wasn't going the way he had imagined on his way to the barㅡ it was better.

Perhaps a bit too easy, but that might have just been his pessimism speaking.

Introductions and explanations were given by Jimin about their new friends: he had met Taehyung during a dancing class he had been given to children, Taehyung being the pride uncle of a seven years old. And Taehyung was friend with Jungkook - the tall baby-faced bartender who himself was friend with Hoseok, aka dimples, and Yoongi, who still remained behind the counter. It was truthfully all a little overwhelming for Seokjin who didn't know who to listen to: Jimin and Taehyung bounced off of each other, as if they were reading each other's mind which was impressive. Namjoon made comments every so often, Jungkook protested a lot and acted tough although that didn't seem to work much on the others and Hoseok was a loud ball of optimism.

The group was arguing about who had stolen the last piece of fried chicken during their latest movie night and Seokjin realized that it was the perfect moment to escape. It wasn't that he wasn't having fun - it was just a lot to process.

"They're quite loud, hm?"

Seokjin blinked a few times, as if he had just been pulled away from his reverie, and realized that Yoongi had spoken to him seconds after he had gone to the bar. There was the hint of a smile on his lips, but Seokjin found himself briefly fascinated by his eyes. There was something about them...

"A glass of water, please," that earned him a raised eyebrow but he couldn't bring himself to care at the moment, "and, yeah. Are they always like this?"

"No, it's usually worse than that. You might end up wanting to go back exploring new countries."

Yoongi carefully pushed a glass of water across the counter towards him and Seokjin fell silent, his head turning towards his friends. He caught Jimin's gaze who beamed at him and all he could do was smile in return. Then, he turned around only to find Yoongi already gazing at him curiously, as if he couldn't figure him out. Well, in all honesty, he couldn't figure him out either. All he had been told about him was that his name was Yoongi and that he was younger than Seokjin by three months. As if he was the one who had to find it all about who this man wasㅡ this was unsettling.

"What?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows a bit. He didn't like being stared at, didn't like feeling like he was a puzzle too complicated to resolve.

Yoongi ducked his head for a moment but soon approached Seokjin, his determined expression startling the older. He really didn't know what to expect from the other. That was scary.

"I was honest. I think you should just leave again."

ㅡㅡㅡ

Going back to live with his parents had been the only option Seokjin had found so he could assure himself to have a roof on top of his head, at least until he got back on his feet. He had to find a work, then find a place to live but he knew that it wouldn't be as easy as movies made it out to be. However, he didn't worry too much: as much as he'd like to deny it, he had greatly missed his parents and wouldn't mind being taken care of for a while. His mother had already cried over the phone when he had only greeted her, so there was little doubts to have about her excitement to see him again. Seokjin wasn't going to lie to himself either because he knew that he needed to find somewhere familiar and safe so he could properly start anew. He needed something stable to ensure he'd be able to make his future right choices. After all, he already had his fair share of mistakes and he only wanted to live a quiet life now.

Even if that didn't please this Yoongi guy.

God, he still couldn't believe the nerve of this guy who told him to just leave again. Seokjin had been too stunned into silence to retort anything smart and had gone back to his friends with a glass of water, and had only nodded with a smile when Jimin asked him if he had a nice chat with Yoongi. And, obviously, it was only hours later when he was fuming over this single sentence that Seokjin found himself with at least a dozen of perfect comebacks that would have undoubtedly shut Yoongi's mouth for good. Life could be unfair like this. He now only hoped that he wasn't going to cross paths with this man ever again.

Seokjin's irritated mood came to an end when a light knock at the door of his bedroom and his mother's face appeared. She always looked so bright, so lovely. It increased his culpability about leaving for so long without giving news even if she had forgiven him within seconds. Parents could be like that, he supposed. It wasn't going to stop him from trying harder to be forgiven.

"Breakfast is ready, Seokjin."

"I'll be downstairs in five, mom."

Those were simple words. It was such a mindless exchange but one Seokjin realized he had craved to have again. Being away from home was difficult but he had never thought he got to complain when he had the chance to travel around the world. He remembered all too well crossing paths with people who had purposely traveled to another country just so they could escape the tight grip their parents had on them. Here, at home, Seokjin was loved and cared for. He could do whatever he wanted to as long as it wasn't illegal. Well, he did get scolded by his father minutes after he had gone home couple days ago, and the man was now giving him the cold shoulder but he was pretty confident that it wouldn't last long.

Being over-confident brought him to take care of a broken heart in a foreign country though, so Seokjin was ready to wait until his father would acknowledge his presence again.

Releasing a deep sigh, Seokjin sat up in his bed reluctantly and tried his best to ignore the strong pull on his back that was begging him to lay down for a few more hours of sleep. And that probably what he was going to do, after he had filled his stomach with his mother's food. See, people could say anything they wanted about tasting foreign dishes - and Seokjin surely had his fair share of culinary experiences - but he could claim without a doubt that there was nothing better than home's food. It was more than eating. It was receiving his mother's love through the hours she had spent cooking with him in his mind, it was enjoying her chirpy voice as she told him about what had happened and it was her warm gaze watching him eat as if it was the first time. It was her complaining about his father with fondness lacing her tone.

There was little hesitation in Seokjin's steps as he made his way downstairs, easily attracted by the delicious smell that reached his nostrils. Most of his senses were solicited and he happily took a seat at the kitchen's table where several side dishes were begging for him to be tasted.

"Seokjin-ah, could go grocery shopping for me this afternoon? I'll make you a list for what I need."

"Sure," Seokjin agreed while he reached for a piece of lotus root that he quickly popped in his mouth. Had he not been with his mother, he probably would have moaned because of how amazing it tasted. "Is there a particular occasion?"

"You're back home, that's the particular occasion."

If Seokjin teared up at this moment, he'd claim that it was because he had been surprised by how spicy the piece of kimchi he had eaten was.

ㅡㅡㅡ

Seokjin couldn’t remember the last time he had gone grocery shopping without having to pay extra attention to what he was buying. It was partly because he didn’t know how much money he could spend, but also because he wanted to limit the risks of getting sick in a foreign country. He wasn’t sure how insurances and hospitals worked – if they were any. To be surrounded by Korean products for the most part and listening to old ladies chat about their preferences when it came to vegetables was more heart-warming than he thought it could be. Curling his crooked fingers around a pack of picked radish, Seokjin then carefully dropped it into the red shopping basket he was carrying with his other hand before he continued to wander through the various aisles of the supermarket. He had even missed the sound of people arguing –

“Oh - !” A gasp slipped past his lips when he turned a corner and ran into another person who, startled enough by the unexpected meeting, stumbled backwards until Seokjin reached out to steady them. Him – he recognized that face: it was none other than Min Yoongi, the same guy who had told him it’d be preferable if he left again. The nerves of this man. “Oh.” He repeated, this time in utter disappointment. That earned him a raised eyebrow from the shorter man. Had it been anyone else, he would have made a joke about the other was stalking him but considering how Yoongi didn’t carry him in his heart, Seokjin knew better than to try and be funny.

“Sorry, wasn’t looking.”  Much to his surprise, Yoongi apologized. Well, it sounded more like a mutter than anything else but Seokjin wasn’t going to complain. The barista walked past him to make his way down the aisle Seokjin had been coming from; that’s where the unwanted meeting should have stopped. Well, except that, once again, he wasn’t exactly good at making the best decisions. Instead of going for his favorite noodles, Seokjin quickly crossed the five, six steps that kept him apart from the other and tapped his shoulder with a finger to get his attention. A glance was all he got – he surely was a man of few words.

“Why did you tell me that I should leave again?” Seokjin blurted out and despite the growing heat in the tip of his ears stood his ground, well-decided  to get an answer from Yoongi. A part of his brain was cheering for him, for being so courageous – and the other part? Well, the other was facepalming for not letting it go. Of course it might have been just a mindless comment, said in the darkness of a bar. But he knew better. From what he had been told about Yoongi by his friends, it was that the man didn’t waste his time speaking nonsense. His words had meaning – a bit like Namjoon, Jimin had pointed out thoughtfully, making the other blush to the roots of his hair. One full year and still no sight of improvement. Seokjin didn’t want to meddle in but he’d have to, at some point. “I get that you care about my friends, and that you think what I did was probably awful and terrible, but I had my own reasons and I don’t think you get to tell me what I should or not do. Also, you don’t even know me so it’s quite pretentious of you to think you can give me advice. About, you know, my own life.”

There, it was all said. Seokjin waited, watched as Yoongi seemed to focus on the box of chocolate cereals he was holding in his hand – god, he had nice hands. No answer came. Yoongi put the box in his own basket then turned towards Seokjin with an expressionless face that had him wondering if Yoongi even heard him. Rambling off to someone who wasn’t listening would be embarrassing and Seokjin felt like he already had his fair share of embarrassing situations for his day.

“Look – "

“Let’s meet up for coffee, whenever you’re free. You can tell me about yourself, and then I’ll see whether I was right or not. I’m rarely wrong about people though.”

And then, the man was gone. Just like that.

That night, when Seokjin found himself dragged to Hangang by Namjoon and a bottle of beer was pushed into his hand just like old times, he couldn’t stop himself from comparing the night skies he had witnessed throughout his trip. Here, there were barely any star to witness due to the light pollution. There were the comforting sounds of people talking and laughing, of cars driving in the distance. Somewhere else, it was so empty of any life that Seokjin’s sole company had been his own self. That had been certainly a terrifying experience to be face-to-face with his own self but also incredibly rewarding. He believed he had learned from it. And in some cities, it was dark enough to spot glistening white dots in the sky, a quiet company as he walked through a park or back to his hotel. Wasn’t it comforting to realize that, in the end, he was never truly alone? Absolutely.

His head turned towards Namjoon, his best friend with the most wonderful and complicated brain he had ever seen. His eyes ran over his side-profile and Seokjin couldn’t stop himself from bumping his shoulder against the man, laughing quietly when it had him missing the tip of the bottle. Ah, as ever clumsy. “I’m sorry I left you.”

“Hyung, you’ve apologized already. And it’s not like I’m really mad anyway. Or was – people go through tough situations and deal with them how they think it’s best. Sometimes, it’s not good for them but good for others and other times, it appears to be good for them but not for others. Nobody will ever be satisfied but that’s just how life works, you know? Happiness is a subjective, fleeting emotion. All feelings actually are like this. Like, the heartbreak you felt – it hurt more than I can imagine, right? But now… Now you’re better, aren’t you?”

Trust Kim Namjoon to always have the right words to comfort him. Once again, Seokjin was stunned into silence and all he could do was nod his head because he didn’t trust his voice. Yes, he was better. The throbbing, heart-wrenching pain had left to make space for a lighter, steady reminder of what he had lost. It was bearable and never totally gone, for now at least. All that was truly left was memories that seemed like they belonged to another self, almost as if he had been watching his own life on a big screen: he didn't remember every single thing, ever happy moments or every painful words but there were just bits of the past here and there. Nostalgia meddled with melancholy until the most gentle bump against his shoulder had him blinking back to reality. An apologetic smile pulled at his lips when he met eyes with Namjoon who, as ever, held no judgement in his deep and soft orbs of his. In contrary to a certain Yoongi -

"Ah! Right, Namjoon. I've bumped into that friend of yours, Yoongi, at the supermarket. And he asked me out for some coffee, so I could, I don't know, prove myself to him or something. Wait, no. He ordered me to join him for coffee." Seokjin puffed his cheeks out, visibly offended.

Namjoon chuckled behind his fist, eyes crinkling as he did so. "Yeah, hyung told me already. You know, Yoongi hyung isn't as harsh as he seems to be. He wants to appear tough... But he is really sensitive. Just like you, he found his own way of protecting his own heart from getting hurt."

At that, Seokjin hummed thoughtfully. What kind of pain did this guy with the intense gaze have gone to? What kind of experiences did life throw his way for him to think it was okay to tell him to leave again? "He told me to -"

" - Leave us again, I know that too. And believe it or not, but he regrets his words. Yoongi hyung is just... Hyung, he has a big heart, just like you. He cares a lot about Jimin and I. You aren't all that different so, maybe you should just try to know him more. I'm pretty sure you could get along if you both tried enough."

That was the thing, Seokjin wanted to say as he turned his head away and back towards the skyline. There was always a person who tried more than the other. There was always one person who would give too much, who would hope too much and who, in the end, would get hurt because life ruined people's expectations. Reality was ruthless and didn't care if it delivered slap after slap. The world kept on moving no matter the number of people who ended up crushed under the weight of the society and its endless rules. One day after another... Seokjin felt like it was useless to try again for someone who had judged him so quickly and wouldn't budge. It seemed like a waste of time and emotions. It wasn't because they had the same group of friends that they had to become friends as well.

It was with that determined thought that Seokjin got Yoongi's number from Namjoon and asked for them to meet a few days later. The choice of the place would belong to Yoongi. Much to his surprise, the conversation didn't stop once the place and the date were settled. Yoongi asked him a question - something about his preferences when it came to drinks - and Seokjin returned the favor. Before he knew it, they were already getting to know each other and as much as he hated to admit it, Namjoon had been right: Yoongi and him weren't all that different. They both had a preference for quietness, both liked the same kind of movies, the same kind of drinks and they also both had a past that left them with scars that wouldn't fully heal. Of course, they weren't close enough to go into details of their past relationships. However, Yoongi did subtly admit that Seokjin wasn't alone in his pain. That had his chest warming up with a sensation he hadn't felt in a long time but instead of focusing onto it, Seokjin preferred to let it pass by, barely acknowledging it in the process.

ㅡㅡㅡ

So, the next time they met in that small, cozy coffee shop that had a pretty view on Gyeongbokgung, Seokjin wasn't as tensed and cautious. It was almost as if he was meeting an old-time friend. Seokjin had taken a seat by the window, his crooked fingers curled around a warm cup of macchiato latte. Well, he had certainly arrived a little early but his nervousness wouldn't have left him alone until he was there. Also, to be honest, Seokjin didn't want to be faced with his mother's endless questions about why he was dressed so nicely and if he was going on a date and why did he look so stressed - god, he could hear her even if she hadn't told him a thing when he had skillfully escaped.

"What are you smiling about?" A gruff voiced asked and efficiently pulled him out of his thoughts. Seokjin looked up only to see Yoongi, dark beanie on his head, dark shirt under a leather jacket and a pair of dark jeans - he wouldn't want to open the man's closet. The question about the contents of his closet weighed heavy on his tongue but Seokjin knew better than to tease someone he was barely getting to know. Instead, he gave a small shake of his head and just watched the younger take a seat in front of him.

"Nothing that concerns you." Seokjin retorted, although there was no heat in his voice. Instead, his tone matched the faint smile that had remained on his lips. Why did it feel so easy to talk with Yoongi? Why was there no awkwardness, no tension? Two seconds into the meeting and Seokjin was already dealing with a wave of unanswered questions and that would probably remain as such. It made him want to get up and run away - he didn't like it, the impact Yoongi had on him. The warmth that was spreading through his fingertips because of the warm mug seemed to spread all the way to his chest and curled around his heart like the roots of a tree that couldn't be easily ripped off the surface of the Earth; that had to be the drink and nothing else...

"I wasn't sure you'd come." Yoongi casually said, eyes scanning the menu for a short moment before they locked eyes. "I wasn't even sure I'd come."

That had Seokjin scoffing. "You ordered me to come! For some obscure reason - do you always do this? Is that how you're getting everything you want?"

Yoongi grinned slightly, just enough for Seokjin to feel offended and flustered at the same time. The nerve of this guy, the nerve...! Seokjin didn't know how to deal with him, didn't know how to react in answer to the man's behavior. Seokjin felt like he was facing a puzzle he didn't know the final picture of. He was getting piece by piece somewhere but had no clue whether he had all of the pieces or if in the end, it'd never be enough. "Maybe. What if I did? You're the one who came here first."

"You're unbelievable." Seokjin shook his head but found it difficult to ignore the way his smile widened just as Yoongi chuckled. It would be useless to deny that there was some kind of an unexpected chemistry between them. They both could feel it in the way they replied to each other without missing a beat. And when they didn't speak, the silence was comfortable, almost natural. Seokjin brought the mug to his lip and took a sip but it was mostly to conceal his weakening smile. He was doing exactly what he had always done in the past: he was getting attached to people just because they got along in a way that was different from others. He was thinking about chemistry and comfortable moments when it was perhaps in fact nothing like that. Seokjin's insides clenched painfully: he wouldn't be able to go through another heartbreak. He had enough. "About what you told me at the bar..."

"Wait, hyung. I need some caffeine before we're having such a conversation." Yoongi replied and rose from his seat so he could go order a drink for his own self, leaving Seokjin to stare at him in disbelief. Yoongi had everything in control. Was he afraid that being spontaneous would hurt him? He had never met someone like this before and truth to be told, it was a little fascinating. All of his friends knew how to have fun by stepping out of their comfort zone every now and then. Especially Jimin, who never was the last one to go out and make the most beautiful memories. "I was admittedly a little too harsh with you." Seokjin startled when Yoongi came back sooner than expected. Of course that had the man in black snickering, as if Seokjin's reactions were hilarious.

"A little too harsh? I was barely back from my trip and you told me to go back, without even knowing anything about me! That was plainly rude."

"Well, you weren't the one to deal with Jimin's hopeful eyes that were losing their warmth with each new unanswered message or with Namjoon's long sleepless nights because he didn't even know if you were alive."

Ah.

At that, Seokjin lowered his gaze and the faint playfulness he could have felt that had settled between them vanished completely only to make space for regrets and a physical pain that almost had him curling on himself. All he could do though was keep his gaze down and remain silent as he waited for Yoongi's blows one after another. That was what he probably deserved the most - it wasn't because he had been feeling such a heart wrenching pain that he had to make Jimin and Namjoon experience the same thing, yet he did. Seokjin already knew all of that from the endless messages he had received from the smaller one of their group of friends.Hearing it directly from someone else - from someone who had cared for them when he wasn't here - it was different. Seokjin was faced with the consequences of his selfish actions. It probably didn't help that it was Yoongi who was telling him all of this, too. But once again, it was only what he deserved.

"...Right."

"But I guess I should have waited for us to meet another day instead of throwing this in your face the day you came to meet them again. I'm sorry."

"No, no. I probably would have done the same thing had our roles been reversed." Seokjin admitted, the corner of his lips barely tilting upwards. He still wasn't looking at Yoongi though. That was until he received a light kick in the leg from the other - within seconds, Seokjin was looking up in surprise, eyebrows raising up and eyes widening almost comically. "Yah, yah. I'm still your hyung so you don't get to hit me! Where's the respect for your elders??"

No answer. At least, no more words were said and Seokjin was left staring at an immensely amused Yoongi who was drinking his coffee all the while staring at him. He was completely dumbfounded and wanted to scoff at how unfair the whole situation was. Yoongi could judge him all he wanted and accuse him of things that were true but Seokjin was drawing the line at physical abuse. So, he returned the favor and kicked him back which was admittedly a little childish, if not a lot. Before he could even realize what was happening, they both had engaged into a war with their legs under the table until smiles broke across their faces and Seokjin was shaking his head in amusement and Yoongi was leaning back with what seemed to be a content expression on his features.

"Tell me about your trip, hyung."

Yoongi didn't order this time. So, Seokjin told him. He told him all about the many countries he had visited and the many people he had encountered. He told him all about how life was unfair because some people had a wonderful life and others were struggling to eat even one a week. He told him all about how he had wanted to give up more than once, how he had tried to mend the broken pieces of his heart through different ways, how the memories of his ex-boyfriend grew lesser and lesser the more he was traveling. Then, he told him all about coming home, about feeling like home despite everything he had experienced for a whole year. Seokjin didn't lie, didn't hide the ugly parts of his own self that had cried and yelled and hurt. Not once Yoongi interrupted him except with a few nods and hums.

Their legs were still entangled.

ㅡㅡㅡ

Meeting with Yoongi had become something regular, almost natural. Whether it was at the bar, them hanging out with all of their friends, or just the two of them, the weeks where they didn't meet were rare. Seokjin learned that Yoongi didn't like people all that much but when he cared, he cared with his whole heart and his whole self. He also didn't have any preference when it came to love a gender and considered himself as a pansexual - even though he didn't like labels all that much. He also had the cutest dog in the world, Holly, whom Seokjin fell for the second the puppy came barking at him and stumbled over his own tiny paws. And then, one rainy night, Seokjin learned that Yoongi had seen his parents die before his very own eyes in a car accident when he was barely ten - since that moment, he did everything to not get attached to people so they weren't taken away from him too. Seokjin had cried, mourning for his parents, for his ex-boyfriend, for their hearts that had been abused in way they shouldn't have. Somehow, it felt like closure when their pinky fingers curled around each other's.

"Seokjin's hyung is quite pretty." Hoseok told Yoongi, both busy in Namjoon's kitchen with snacks, because Namjoon had the biggest apartment out of them all. In the living room, Taehyung and Jungkook were already competing with a video game and Seokjin was helping Namjoon to blow some balloons for their very own entertainment even though they all knew that it wouldn't finish well, especially considering how scared of startling noises Hoseok and Seokjin both were.

"He's okay, I guess." Yoongi shrugged, glancing over at the living room where he could see Seokjin laugh with a hand covering his mouth after Namjoon had accidentally bumped into Taehyung and made him lose his game.

"Just okay?"

"Yoongi-ah," Seokjin called from where he was with a wide smile pulling at his lips, a finger pointing at the bag of cheese-flavored snacks the other was holding. "Keep one aside for me, yeah? You know it's my favorite." At that, the younger guys all protested and attacked Seokjin with pillows who didn't hesitate to fight back. Their little get together had barely started and it was already a mess - however, Seokjin wouldn't have it any other way. He felt like the boys had accepted him back in their life without a second thought and for that he was eternally thankful. There was no denying though that he felt the closest to Yoongi. Even though he wasn't the one he knew the longest, their bond appeared to be different from the other relationships he had with Namjoon or Jimin, for example. Speaking of, the young dancer walked in and greeted everyone with a bright and wide smile. Seokjin gave a small wave as best as he could from where he was stuck under Taehyung who had him pinned against the floor to tickle him.

Jimin had been the best distraction and allowed Seokjin to free himself so he could join Yoongi and Hoseok to the kitchen while his crooked fingers were trying to fix the mess his hair was. "I can't believe they attacked me like this." He laughed and gave a small shake of his head and there was no denying that fondness was filling his tone.

"As if you don't like the attention." Yoongi snickered, wiping his hands on a dish rag before he reached up to help Seokjin fix his hair. None of them noticed that Hoseok had escaped from the kitchen with a knowing smile. "I bet that even the niehgbors from the last floor heard your weird laughter."

Seokjin wanted to protest. He wanted to scoff after Yoongi and maybe tease him about one of their insides jokes, but nothing came out of his mouth. The realization that he liked Yoongi's attention the most echoed far too loudly into his mind for him to even try to think about something else, something lighter. Here he was again, wasn't he? Seokjin was watching himself fall. The control he thought he had over his own heart was only dust, the walls he thought were too thick for anyone else to step inside had crumbled without his awareness. There he was again, unable to stop himself as he followed Yoongi with his own eyes when he left for the living room. He knew that in a room of a hundred people, Seokjin would always find his way back to him; he knew what was happening and was terrified and hated himself all at once. Their friendship was finally stable - not quite back to the way it was before when it came to Namjoon and Jimin but they were getting there, step by step. Who was he to ruin everything just because he loved too much, because he fell in love too easily? He already knew how this was going to end: in tears and hearts breaking and sorrowful apologies.

No. This time, he wasn't going to let it happen.

ㅡㅡㅡ

The peak of Seokjin's self-hate happened a few nights after their get-together at Namjoon's place. The now familiar door of the bar three of his friends were working at opened easily to let out a couple of drunk people just as Seokjin was about to walk in. Yoongi had texted him earlier the day, asking him to swing by the bar if he had some free time even though he knew all too well that Seokjin did have a lot of free time in his hands and wouldn't be able to refuse. His plan for that night had three main parts: walk in, get something to drink and leave the hell out. It wasn't that he didn't want to spend time with his friends, Yoongi included, anymore. Truth to be told, he only had them. He only had their little group of seven to give him hope in the world and its people. Well, except that in that group of seven, there was one person who stood out the most to him and Seokjin admittedly tried to spend a tiny less time in his company - just so he could protect his own heart, even if it appeared like he was a lost cause. Trying was the key word here, because he was greatly failing at whatever he was doing. Much like with his previous lovers and crushes, he was unable to refuse Yoongi anything. He was smiling wide the second their eyes locked even though they were nowhere close to each other in the room yet his mind was telling him to run away, again. Perhaps Yoongi had been wrong all along: he should have left again. He should have disappeared from their friends' lives and -

"Fancy seeing you here, hyung." Hoseok grinned when Seokjin finally reached the counter and took a seat on a stool. "The usual?" His mind said no, his head nodded anyway. Seokjin was just about to wonder since when his body got a mind of its own when Yoongi suddenly appeared in his line of sight and all he could honestly do was smile at him, maybe a bit too fondly to be just platonical - but surely nobody would notice under the dimmed lights of the place, right? Right.

"You came." Yoongi smiled, all gums out and eyes crinkling and Seokjin swore this man had been created to make his life a living hell, in all the most delicious ways. It was really interesting, he thought, how the acknowledgement of his own feelings days ago now seemed to shed a light on how he saw the other man. Yoongi was already a great person in his eyes even if it had taken quite some time for them to be fully comfortable with each other. He had been back for five, six months now. They had been surprisingly patient with each other; Seokjin supposed that it was because there had been no expectations in the first place when it came to their relationship. They weren't even sure they'd get along, after all. Now... He paid more attention to small details. For example, he had found himself a particular liking for the crinkles that appeared at the corners of Yoongi's eyes when he was smiling wide. It was an incredibly endearing sight - often had him wondering why Yoongi was still single.

"You would have begged for me to come if I refused." Seokjin retorted, then watched how Yoongi skillfully wiped several glasses without watching much. His hands were beautiful in an unique was that solely belonged to Yoongi; they looked strong and manly but their paleness and the apparent veins only reminded him of how fragile the younger could be, too. His dark brown orbs fell to his own flawed fingers that reminded him all too much about painful days his child self had to go through. Now Seokjin didn't pretend that people's hands were a reflection of their personality but he still found it strangely interesting how hands seemed to hold many untold stories and secrets.

Yoongi laughed. Seokjin ached.

Seconds later, his favorite drink was placed in front of him by the same man who had a grip on his heart and Seokjin hated how he was melting just because Yoongi knew his order by heart. He had his drink - second part of his plan. Now all he had to do was down it and go back home so he could avoid making a mistake or just wear his heart on his sleeve for everyone to see. It wasn't complicated to get up and leave with a polite smile, he had done it a couple of times before - certainly not under the same circumstances, but it wasn't all that different. Or so he hoped. Well, except that he couldn't bring himself to move. Much like he used to when he was a foreign country, Seokjin let himself fade to the background and simply observed his surroundings with genuine interest. He had gained a lot from his trip around the world, that was something he couldn't deny. He remembered coming across all kind of people, all kind of cultures even some he couldn't imagine - his heart was full with experiences many would envy him for. That's why he thought he shouldn't complain about anything, especially when he was all too aware that others had it much worse than he did.

At the moment, his eyes found a group of friends who were on the same couch he had sat on the very first time he had stepped into the bar. Two of them seemed to be in their very own world, fingers naturally reaching for each other in subtle ways, warm eyes doing all the talking. Seokjin wanted this, too. But boy was he scared of allowing himself this kind of temptation again. Love, as much as it was wonderful in most of its aspects, was a terrifying experience with no guarantees in the end. He didn't want to risk it all for warm eyes and a gummy smile. He couldn't.

So, when a guy from that group of friends detached himself to join Seokjin by the bar and offer him another drink, who was he to refuse when he was desperate for any kind of distraction? Seokjin accepted after a second of hesitation, barely contributed to the conversation except for a few hums and nods to show that he was listening and in the end let himself being led out of the bar for a possible crappy motel. Yoongi's eyes on him for the whole time, Yoongi's text message lightening up his phone when a stranger was kissing his way down his chest and Yoongi's face appearing behind his closed eyelids when he reached a brief moment of bliss.

One hour and a half after leaving the bar, Seokjin was back in his parents' home and quietly made his way to his childhood bedroom, where the weight of what had happened made him burst into tears - still quietly. Because he didn't get to complain about his pain. Because he had no rights to feel like shit when he had experienced so much already. Crying until he fell asleep was something he hadn't done ever since the break-up. There was a lot of things he had stopped allowing himself to do and crying that much had been one of them - his last thought before he succumbed to exhaustion was about when was he finally going to allow himself to just live his life the way he wanted to.

The next time he opened his eyes, it wasn't because he felt sick or because his mother had come to wake him up. No, when he rose to consciousness, it was because Seokjin woke up to Jimin commanding him to do so. It was a tone he had rarely heard from the boy: he sounded angry, disappointed and completely done all at once. It was so surprising and unexpected that he could only oblige and open his eyes, finding Jimin to look exactly how he sounded. Brows furrowed deeply, lips pursed in a thin line, if Jimin could have killed Seokjin with his glare, he probably would have done so. His foggy mind didn't understand why it seemed like he had done the worst thing in the world - but he'd catch up soon.

"Are you proud of yourself, hyung? I honestly thought you were done being so selfish and inconsiderate after everything you put Namjoon and me through but, clearly I was wrong. When will you done being so selfish and hurting people around you?" Jimin all but spat at him, rendering Seokjin completely speechless. If he agreed that truth hurt, the statement was even truer when it came from one of his closest friends - could he blame him though? Absolutely not. Now he still wondered what the hell Jimin was specifically talking about but he also supposed it was a long time coming. All those months spent together and not even one accusations, not even in a teasing way? Jimin was bound to explode at some point. "Are you going to stay quiet? You should. I don't want to hear what was your excuse to leave with a stranger when... when - ugh, you're so selfish, hyung." Sadness replaced anger. Seokjin watched how Jimin's expression morphed into something much softer, the hard lines changing to an expression he had never wanted to witness on his best friend's face. The endless apologies he could feel crawling their way up his throat remained stuck there, as if he had fallen in a too deep hole where loneliness and despair would be his only companions. "I said nothing when you disappeared from our lives a year and a half ago because I tried to understand your point of view - and admittedly I could have done the same thing had my heart been broken like this. But, let me ask you, hyung: did you ever learn from the past? Or are you going to keep hurting those who care for you? Maybe it's time for you to stop focusing on what you feel and finally think about how you make others feel."

And just like that, Jimin was gone. Teary-eyed, fingers curled into tight fists, cheeks flamed up from anger.

Seokjin remembered Namjoon's words from months ago, when they were at the Han river. People surely were complicated beings and he wasn't sure he'd ever fully understand them, starting with his very own self. The thought that he should be leaving again crossed his mind but this time it wasn't so he could honor a promise and mend his broken heart, no. It simply was so he could stop hurting the people he cared for and whom cared for him... But leaving would simply make it seem like he was running again, wasn't it? As if he'd never be able to face his own demons. Seokjin stared down at his fingers that somehow had tightly curled into the soft fabric of his blanket. He was lost in a endless desert that gave him no hope in the future, each of his step seemingly taking him away from what he craved the most.

There were days where he couldn't confront the world. This day was one of them. He laid back down and fell back asleep, Jimin's words echoing in his mind like a song put on the repeat mode.

And it worked. It impacted him. Yes, Jimin's accusations had made him feel awful and ashamed, made him feel like he didn't even deserve to be called their friends, like he couldn't pretend to say he had feelings for Yoongi when he was such a mess in the first place. But when he woke up for the second time that day and noticed that the night sky had already covered Seoul of its dark blanket, it felt like a punch in the face: he didn't want to waste his days away like this, whining over his poor, miserable self. And if he wanted for things to change, he'd have to start with finding himself a new job and a new place to live in, like he had promised his parents he'd do when he first came back home.

Of course, it was easier said than done. Days flew past as he went one job interview after another. Highly demotivated, he dragged himself back to his parents' home each single time and resisted the urge to call Yoongi or meet up with him. Yoongi whom had been completely silent since the bar's event. He didn't know what to think about it... But one thing a time. First, he'd have to fix the mess in his life, then he'd try his best to have Yoongi forgive him for whatever mistakes he had done. Obviously, it didn't mean that he spent most of his free time thinking about his friends and the man he had fallen for - but he needed the distance. He needed to focus on himself, to get to know his very own self before pretending he was ready for anything else.

One would think that the trip around the world could have been the perfect opportunity for Seokjin to fiind himself and it was supposed to. Movies and books always tended to paint trips in foreign places like eyes-opening trips. Perhaps that was true for a good part of those who were courageous enough to leave everything behind. They found themselves in a new culture, in new sceneries and landscapes. Seokjin? He had run away from himself and was now paying the consequences.

This time, Jimin's texts messages were replied to.

ㅡㅡㅡ

"You have an interesting resume, but tell me, Mr Kim. Why should we hire instead of the previous person, or the next one? What makes you different?"

One month later after his promise to his own self and here he was again, replying to the same old question. Who knew job hunting could be so difficult? It wasn't like he was a complete novice when it came to work, yet it seemed like his experiences were never enough. This was incredibly demotivating but he didn't allow himself to stop - for once, he knew that not allowing himself to stop was the right thing to do.

"I've travelled the world," Seokjin replied after a few seconds spent collecting his messy thoughts, tongue briefly running over his dried lips, "I've seen the best and worst of people yet they always keep on surprising me. I'm not going to say that I'm better than the other concurrents because I've got better diplomas or because I've worked for famous newspapers. But the world fascinates me. And I still have so much to learn - I think... I think I've travelled the wrong way before. I haven't taken the best out of those experiences to grow as an individual and I'd like to change that. And if I can help others find little bits of their own selves as well... Then it'd be like repaying what the world has offered me."

Silence. And then, the usual, "thank you, we'll call you back."

Exactly three days after that job interview and one month after the last time he'd seen Yoongi, Seokjin went back to the bar with a lighter heart. He had forgotten how motivating it was to have a purpose. He felt the influence of his hard work on his mood and the way he held himself but mostly in the kind of thoughts that swam in his mind. Bits of despair still greeted him every so often like an old friend but Seokjin had moved on. He didn't linger for longer than necessary and finally learned how to look towards the future, one step after another. Of course, everything was still terrifying. The unknown stood tall and big behind each new door he opened but running away wasn't a word that was part of his vocabulary anymore. Funny how he'd have to go back home to realize that he'd been wasting his life away like this.

So here he was again, walking down the steps that would take him to the one person he wanted to tell everything. Yoongi didn't look up this time as his back was to the stairs and Seokjin found himself smiling, his heart pounding a little faster. Maybe he was too late, he probably was. But there was no harm in trying, now was there? Even if it meant for another book to close, Seokjin was ready to face it.

"Hello, Yoongi."

The look of pure surprise on the shorter man was pretty comical - all wide eyes and parted lips shaped in a perfect 'o', body frozen halfway as he turned around - and Seokjin probably would have teased him if he hadn't felt his whole body warm up when their eyes locked after what seemed to be an eternity spent apart. Instead, he offered a small, apologetic smile. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Jungkook hold Hoseok back from greeting him (or maybe punching him, who knew) and he found himself thankful for the younger's instinct. He'd have to repay him later.

"Hyung." Yoongi greeted him just like this, with a nod of his head. Emotional distance, huh? Seokjin recognized it and really couldn't be mad at the other for protecting himself, especially when he knew how difficult it had been for the bartender to open himself up to someone new. Seokjin supposed that he didn't even deserve his attention - but he had to try harder, until they both knew where to take their relationship in the future. "The usual, I guess?"

"Actually, no," Seokjin replied as he took a seat on a stool, "surprise me, tonight."

Yoongi didn't seem too closed-off, Seokjin noticed. Not that he was a specialist when it came to reading someone's body language but he now recognized some patterns humans all had. He supposed that was a little bit of knowledge he collected over the years from observing the world around him. At the moment, Yoongi had turned away but glanced over his shoulder, as if he couldn't believe that Seokjin really was here, gazing right back at him. Hope flared in his stomach.

"I've got a job." He then announced, when Yoongi put a drink filled with a transparent liquid in it. "I know that I have a lot of explaining to do, and even more apologies to give, especially to you but - water?"

Yoongi's surprising drink was simply a glass of water. That had Seokjin raising an eyebrow questioningly. The bartender's reply was just as surprising as it was heartwarming. Seokjin watched how Yoongi blew out a breathe that had the hair covering his forehead moving upwards in the most adorable way before he brought a hand up to rub the side of his neck, cheeks unmistakendly colored red. "I don't want to see you leave with a stranger again."

Hope washed over him like an unexpected tsunami. Seokjin took a sip of the water and smiled, sheepish and delighted all at the same time. How unexpected it was, to move from a desert to a glass of water that seemed to fill him with more courage with each sip he took. Yoongi stood in front of him, upper body leaning on his forearms - Seokjin had all of his attention. It was now or never.

And so he told Yoongi his story, for the second time. He told him all about the young man who tended to run away and pretend like it was to heal. He told him all about finding brief comfort in pretending like things were fine when in fact he had never felt so lonely. He told Yoongi all about learning how to understand and accept himself, how he was slowly beginning to love himself - he wasn't quite there yet but, hey, he had managed to get a job that'd allow him to travel the way he was supposed to. Seokjin told Yoongi about wanting to be honest with his own self and facing his mistakes and scars before he could offer to care for someone else, someone who deserved an undivided attention and an endless amount of affection.

Seokjin apologized for his mistakes but not for taking the necessary amount of time it had taken for him to understand and find the pieces of his own self. He apologized for hurting Yoongi, but couldn't apologize for putting himself first for the past weeks.

"So... Are you leaving again?"

ㅡㅡㅡ

He was. Not for a whole year though, just for a couple of days. Getting a job as a reporter for a famous online blog had been unexpected but certainly a pleasant surprise. His missions consisted of going to meet new cultures, new traditions and people - and then write about his experiences to share them with the world. He wished to give lonely souls scattered around the country a little bit of hope. For now, he'd be going to Japan then who knew where his job would take him to?

Seokjin took his passport from the flight attendant and smiled thankfully before he put it back in the front pocket of his brand new black backpack. Gimpo Airport was motly filled with tired and sleepy people in that early morning, the sun having yet to rise up in the overcast sky. Despite the early time, it didn't stop his phone from buzzing in his hand with incoming text messages from the boys he had met the night before. It had been their first get together since the latest one - it had been awkward at first, of course, but the second they began to tease Seokjin for apologizing profusely had been the exact moment when all awkwardness vanished and it had been like they'd always been all together. Of course, he was going to miss them. But Seokjin found comfort in the thought that he'd have many new things to share with them when he'd come back.

A small laugh slipped past Seokjin's lips when Jimin sent him a blushing emoticon after he had teased him for falling asleep against Namjoon that night. These two weren't quite there yet but Seokjin had hope for their future. Time would do its work - and if it took too long, then maybe he'd grace Jimin with a long speech early in the morning the same way he had done to him.

"What's so funny early in the morning?"

This voice. Now that was unexpected. Seokjin turned around in a second and was unable to hold back a gasp of pure shock upon seeing a very sleepy looking Min Yoongi facing him. Would it not be for the redness of his cheeks, Seokjin could have believed he had slept at the airport.

"Why are you here?"

Yoongi sighed, then adjusted the vintage bag that was hanging off of his shoulder. The black beanie he was wearing completed perfectly the travelling fashion look he had gone for - on purpose or not, Seokjin wasn't sure.

"I don't agree with you. About the whole 'having to love yourself before loving someone else' stuff." Seokjin parted his lips to reply but Yoongi took a step closer and he chose to stay quiet and wait. "I don't agree with you simply because I've seen you love, even in your darkest days. Your parents, your friends... You've never stopped loving them even when you couldn't stand looking at yourself." Yoongi looked at Seokjin, and it felt like his whole body was coming alive. Had he been asleep for that long? "What I'm saying is that... I could come with you, to Japan. If you'd like. And we could see how that healing of yours is going... And if I can help, too."

Seokjin didn't know what he was supposed to say. Words remained stuck in his throat but this time it wasn't because he couldn't speak. If he let out any sound, he was pretty sure he'd end up crying; Yoongi had seen past the walls around his heart, far before Seokjin worried about it.

"Are you..." Seokjin cleared his throat in hope to get rid of the shakiness in his tone. He didn't think he was misreading Yoongi and this was probably the most unsettling thing that had happened to him in a while. Given Yoongi's inability to stay still, Seokjin believed that nervousness was running through his body the same way Seokjin was filled with pure joy. "Are you sure about it?"

"Hyung, I've been sure about it ever since I've seen you ready to run away from the bar the second you saw how happy Jimin and Namjoon could be without you in their life. Now where do I check-in? I haven't taken a plane in forever."

Amidst the exhausted businessmen and businesswomen, sleepy tourists with their heavy luggages and flight attendants rushing to get to their planes, Seokjin's laughter was bright. Bright and alive and genuine. By his side, Yoongi was grinning the exact same way he did whenever he was the reason of Seokjin's laughter: eyes crinkling and all gums out. Now love was still a pretty foreign concept to them, and they had a lot to learn before mastering it, but trying together didn't seem too scary. Especially when Yoongi's hand found its way to Seokjin's, making it the first step in trying to figure out things together without promises nor expectations.

"You never give up, do you?"

"Not when I know I'm right. Especially about you. And you have yet to prove me wrong, hyung."

"I don't think I want to anyway, Yoongi."

One step at a time. Seokjin could do this. It took him a trip around the world, an even longer trip in his very own desert and an endless amount of scars to heal, for him to realize that he had been searching for a home in the wrong places all along.

Home, for Seokjin, wasn't a place nor a person. It simply was love. Love for his friends, love for his parents but also love for himself. And, of course, home was the love he felt curling warmly around his heart as Yoongi used his shoulder as a pillow the second they sat down in the plane.

Seokjin was finally home.