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I wish I could tell you when it first began.
I used to think it was our fourteenth birthday. Late at night, after everyone had gone home, Mabel and I had snuck out onto the roof of our house. Our parents don’t usually enjoy us going out there, but it was a special occasion. That, or they were so exhausted from the Pines Birthday Extravaganza (as Mabel coined it) that they decided to let it slide. Either way, there we were, sipping root beer and staring out at the night sky. The sounds of the city echoed distantly in the background but as far as I was concerned, it was like they weren’t there at all. No, the only thing I was focused on was her. That’s when I used to think it all began.
But as the years past, I realized I was wrong. Sure, that may have been when I realized it. But really, I had always loved her. It was in every late night we spent talking, every adventure we went on, every mystery we solved. Every mud pie we made together as kids, every scraped knee on bike rides, even every screaming match we had over one of us hogging the bathroom. It was there through it all.
Still, that fourteenth birthday was when I became aware of the magnitude of the problem, so I suppose that’s around where I should start. I’ve had my fair share of hopeless crushes, mind you. But not only was this way more than a crush, it was a hell of a lot worse. Because who in their right mind falls in love with their sister?
—
“Dipp-er!” Mabel singsonged from the bottom of the stairs. “What’s taking you so long?”
Shit shit shit shit shit.
I’d been avoiding her the entire weekend, ever since that our birthday night on the roof. Which, mind you, isn’t easy when your sister constantly has a new sweater she wants to show you or homework she needs help with. It’s like narrowly missing the burst of a firecracker for three days. But now it’s Monday morning and that sucker is about to go off…and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
I made my way down the stairs, trying as hard as possible to melt into each step.
I can’t for the life of me remember how any of this went before. Am I supposed to be cheery and kind, cause she’s my sister and I love her? Or should I avoid her entirely because she’s my sister and I love her?
“Yeah, hey. Sorry, I overslept.” I said meekly.
“Oversleeping on the first day of high school? Who are you and what have you done to my brother?” She giggled, tossing me an apple from across the kitchen.
This is good, this feels like normal sibling banter. A for effort, Pines. As long as I can keep this up for, say, the rest of our lives, all will be fine.
But of course, of course, that’s not the way things ended up going.
In middle school, Mabel and I had been practically inseparable. We had other friends, sure, but it was no question that the Mystery Twins were attached at the hip. Naively, I had assumed high school would go the same way. I had forgotten how different Mabel and I really were sometimes. While she made friends with a well meaning, slightly dorky group of girls, I fell into the crowd of hopeless, never-been-kissed nerds. Which, to be fair, I fit the bill for completely. They’re also all great guys. It’s just that, well… they’re not Mabel. To make matters worse, we had no classes together. ‘Zero, zip, zilch!’, as Mabel had put it the first time we saw our timetables.
All in all, by the time Christmas hit we only ever saw each other at home. I still found myself having to go into another room after spending more than half an hour with her for fear I might blow my cover. Whenever she touched me I’d go as stiff as a board until I found some lame excuse to escape. Everywhere I looked, there she was. Beautiful, vibrant, probably laughing at something. If I was lucky, it was something I’d said that she was laughing at.
Which is why, you might imagine, I wasn’t ecstatic to learn that we’d be spending Christmas break in Gravity Falls. Here, I could at least throw myself into my schoolwork and hang out with my friends instead of embarrassing myself in front of her. But there? It’d be just us two, up in that attic. Listening to her snoring softly across the room from me, wishing I could just suck up the courage to cross the room, brush the hair away from her face, lean in and…..
Ahem. Anyway. We arrived in Oregon on Christmas Eve, in a train station still a little ways from Gravity Falls. It was early in the morning and snow was just beginning to fall outside the window of our train. We don’t get much snow up in California, so Mabel was excited to say the least.
“Dipper! Look at this!” Her eyes were glued onto all the trees racing past, lightly decorated with a powdery white.
I let out a small chuckle. “It’s pretty nice.”
“Nice?” Mabel teased. “Nice is an extra scoop of ice cream at Dairy Queen. This is the best thing ever! Dumb Piedmont should take a lesson from Oregon.”
“I’m sure Grunkle Stan doesn’t appreciate it. Snow probably isn’t great for business.”
She let out a raspberry, evidently entertaining little concern for what Stan thought of the snow. “This is gonna be great, Dip. Seriously. I barely see you anymore.”
I fixated my gaze on the suddenly very-interesting seat cushion. We both knew that was largely my fault. Whenever we were at home, I was the one holed up in my room, desperately trying to avoid the painful truth that I was harbouring some not-so-normal feelings for my sister.
“Yeah, I know.” I said, finally looking back at her.
“Well, we’ll totally make up for it now. I’ve got so much planned! We can go into town and we can check out the arcade, remember that? And we can also go see…” She continued talking, but I wasn’t really paying attention. My mind was busy coming up with excuses for why I couldn’t hang out with her like she wanted.
God, I’m such an asshole. My sister wants to spend time with me because she’s normal and isn’t trying to conceal a secret crush on her sibling, and all I can do is hide away like a fucking coward.
“Right, Dipper?” Mabel asked. Clearly I had missed something.
“Oh, yeah. Totally.”
“You agree that there’s a leprechaun floating above your head at this very moment?”
“What?”
“See! I knew you weren’t listening. You’re always so spaced out these days. What’s going on with you?” She looked up at me with those brown eyes and for a split second I really considered spilling it all to her. Telling her how every time she looked at me my heart skips a beat; how I can’t stop thinking about her now matter how hard I try. I wanted to tell her everything so bad I could practically taste it on the tip of my tongue.
“It’s just that…well..” I began. Suddenly, I was cut off.
“Gravity Falls! Last stop!” The bus driver hollered, making me well aware of what I had just been about to tell her. I gulped and picked up my bag, rushing out of the train as fast as I could.
—
A week into our break, Mabel burst into the Mystery Shack attic with an angered expression on her face.
“Okay, Dip. Spill the beans.” She ordered, sitting herself down onto my bed.
I scotched away slightly. “What beans? There aren’t any beans.”
“There are so many beans I’m sure you’ve lost count. So. Spill. Them.”
I rolled my eyes, trying my best to pretend I was absolutely baffled by her accusations. “Seriously, Mabel. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“Oh, really? Is there another Dipper in here? The same Dipper that’s been ignoring me all week, cancelling all our plans, and just being an all around poop? Because as far as I know, that’s you.”
“Mabel. I’ve been busy, okay? I have a lot of homework to do… and stuff.” Not able to look her in the eye, I got up from my bed and crossed the room. I scoured the room, looking for anything that I could possibly busy myself with.
“Dipper.” She wasn’t having it. In a fury, she crossed the room and grabbed my wrist as I reached for a torn up mystery novel. “You’ve been like this all year, and you know it. You’re always holed up in your room, and whenever I try to come in you say you’re “busy”-”
“I am busy-” I said, yanking my wrist from her grip.
“No, you’re not. Even when I see you at school, you just turn around and head in the other direction. I mean, are you mad at me? Did I do something? Cause whatever I did, I didn’t mean to make you this upset, Dip. Just… I can’t take it anymore, Dipper. You’re my best friend— at least, you were before you started hating me or whatever.”
“I could never hate you, Mabel.” I said, meeting her gaze. I felt my heart break in my chest when I did. She looked so broken, so upset. I’d been so focused on how to save my own ass this whole time that I never stopped to think what I had been doing to her.
“Then what is it, Dipper? Please, I just want to help fix it. I’m your sister, Dipper. Please.” A single tear made its way down her face.
“Shit, Mabel, please don’t cry, okay? I just… I didn’t mean to make things weird. God, this is so messed up and it’s all my fault. You didn’t do anything. I’m the asshole here, I’m the shit brother.” My heart was racing.
“Dipper, just tell me. Whatever scary crazy thing it is, we can fix it together, okay? That’s what we do.”
This was it, I could feel it. I couldn’t keep going on like this anymore, not if it was hurting her.
“I don’t know if we can fix it this time, Mabel. I don’t know anything anymore.” I dropped my head, trying my hardest not to cry. Not here, not now. If I started crying I wouldn’t stop and I really can’t afford to be hysterical with her right next to me. She raised a shaking hand to my cheek, angling my face back up to face hers.
No, nope, bad idea, definitely let’s not do that.
It was too late. I was already leaning in to her, closing my eyes to try and shut out the fear plastered onto her face. Before I knew it, her lips were pressed ever so softly against mine.
Any second now. She’ll pull away and slap me and tell everyone what a fucking weirdo I am.
And yet, she didn’t pull away. I felt like I was going to throw up; I was so nervous. Gently, I kept kissing her, my arms pulling her warm body in closer to my own. And she still wasn’t pulling away! No, she was doing more than that. She was kissing me back.
She’s kissing me back!
Overcome with a newfound confidence, I let my hands drift up to her hair. She was magnificent, everything about her was magnificent. I felt her hands find their own way up to the nape of my neck, pulling me in even closer.
Eventually, I was the one to pull away. I was in a haze; nothing made sense and yet I’d never felt more over the moon. Mabel’s eyes were still clamped shut.
“Mabel?” I whispered as her eyes fluttered open. Her expression was completely unreadable.
“Hi.” She said, giving me a weak smile.
“Hi.” A moment passed. “So, uh. Yeah. That’s kind of why I’ve been so weird.”
“Oh. That makes sense.” She said, not really meeting my gaze. I felt sick.
What the hell did you do, Pines?
“Hey, listen, we can just forget this ever happened, okay? I’m sorry, I just— I couldn’t hold back anymore is all. Mabel, look at me, please.” I pleaded, not trusting my voice above a whisper for fear it’d tremble and reveal just how terrified I was. “Mabel, please. C’mon, I’m sorry, please don’t be angry with me, I—”
I was cut off by her lips crashing onto mine, attacking me with more passion and force than I was aware she had in her. While I had lead patiently and gently, she had a certain, ahem, style that was anything but gentle. Mabel wasted no time in running her tongue across my bottom lip, eagerly fighting for entrance past my lips. And really, who was I to deny her that right?
Confidence shot back into me like a bullet. I gingerly placed my hands onto either side of her waist, moving her back up against the wall. My hands continued to roam along her arms, tracing the scars and freckles that I’d come to know so well throughout our lives together. She raked her hands through my hair, combing gently through locks that she had always begged me to put into little braids.
I was hiding it well enough, but every part of me was in complete and utter shock. I had spent months dreaming and praying for a moment like this and yet even my wildest fantasies couldn’t compare. The feeling of Mabel’s warm body pressed up against mine, her lips searching mine for the words I was too afraid to speak, was nothing short of heavenly. The only thing anchoring me down was her clinging to me.
“Kids! I’m back!” A gruff voice called from downstairs.
We immediately pulled our lips apart, though I was still holding onto her tightly. She gazed into my eyes, just as she had done previously.
“Hi.” Mabel giggled, echoing her previous retort. This time, however, it was with a smile.
“Hell-o.” I replied, gazing at her fondly. I felt the need to drink in this whole moment, as if I looked away for a second she’d completely fade away.
“Kids! Kids!” Stan shouted. Moment over. “Let’s go, your shifts start now!”
“You know, work might not be so awful anymore.” I said, unable to conceal my smile.
“Have I ever mentioned you’re a huge dork?” Mabel said, but there wasn’t a hint of malice in her tone.
“Once or twice, maybe.” I whispered. She laughed, reaching forward to push my hat forward on my face. I’ve always hated her doing that, but for some inexplicable reason it didn’t bother me as much today. Before I could respond, she leaned into give me a kiss on the cheek and then raced down the stairs.
My hand raised up to touch where she had pecked me.
Merry Christmas to me.