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Logan felt out of place immediately. He had received an invitation from his friend (Was friend the correct word? He didn’t quite know) Roman Prince to a party of his at his lavish home. Parties were in no way Logan’s scene, they made him nervous and uncomfortable. He felt so exposed with so many individuals pooled around him in tangled uneven heaps, individuals he was almost always unacquainted with. He had planned on turning Roman down for this exact reason, but he found himself feeling rather foolish. Logan just couldn’t bring himself to say no to those big brown eyes that seemed to hold more stars in them then all the heavens and a smile brighter than the sun, radiating warmth while containing a scorching and bitter heat all the same. He felt like such a damned fool to get so drawn in by the man, but he found that he simply could not help it. It ate him up inside, and now he wished he’d just stayed at home.
Roman Prince was an actor and a well-known one at that. He’d begun in the theater, musicals normally for his singing voice was as shrilly beautiful as many of the great performers of the genera, and eventually, he moved up to film-acting, serving as a dashing leading man for a number of excellent films. He still did musicals from time to time, as it was still a passion of his and though Logan did not entirely understand the theatre profession, he did have respect for it. Throughout the years of his young life, Roman had made quite the name for himself.
Normally, Logan would never be acquainted with someone of such a status. He was merely a college professor, after all, a lifestyle that mixed with acting about as well as oil and water. Roman was boisterous and passionate and loud while Logan was all business, logical and stuck to the facts. He had come to know Roman because his closet friend Patton Preston was Roman’s first cousin.
Patton was just about the kindest person Logan could recollect ever coming into contact with. He carried with him the scent of fresh baked goods, soft and childlike and wonderful. He wore round eye-glasses and had a mess of auburn eyes and the most exquisite green eyes that when he blinked, it looked as innocent as a small feline, filling the viewer with an overwhelming feeling of admiration. He was polite, even to the most dismally arrogant people, friendly and caring. Logan, though not one in touch with his feelings, recognized that Patton was like the brother that he never had. He loved the man dearly, never mind how annoying at times he could be or how much Logan himself pushed the kind man away. Patton always came back.
Patton had introduced him to Roman in the middle of last summer. It had been a sweltering day in July, and they had met on the beach, Patton’s freckled face shimmering with a warm smile. It had been jarring, seeing an actor up close, he supposed. Roman was a handsome man in his late twenties, with swooping chestnut hair and those goddamn eyes, the ones that haunted Logan as he slept. He was tan and fit, his muscular form well defined in the tight swim trucks he’d been sporting. Logan was not one to gawk at attractive men, he wasn’t some thirsty stereotype as he often reminded himself, but on that fateful summer day it felt as though Logan had become one of the thousands of lustful fanboys, eyes wide and cheeks feeling hot as he dared to look at a man who was, as Logan concluded, to handsome for his own good.
As it turned out, Roman was insufferable. It did not take long at all for Logan to deduce this, one conversation with the man was enough to make it crystal clear. He was obnoxious, rude, quick-witted – but said the most radicicolous things and a person who seemed to come up with more foolish nicknames than even Patton. Being called “kiddo” was one thing, but “pocket protector?” “Calculator watch?” “Nerd?” These ones didn’t bode well with Logan. Immediately the two had bickered, so much so that Patton tried his hardest to get the two to stop squabbling. This did not prove effective. The whole day at the beach the two had fought, and not to mention the myriad of people who begged to take photographs with the vain actor. How positively annoying! An outraged and bitter Logan had decided he would rather not see Roman ever again as long as he should remain alive.
Why, then, did he allow Patton to drag him to see his cousin again? Logan did not know the answer.
He supposed, with time, Roman became…tolerable. He told himself, for Patton’s sake, he would spend time with Roman, though in secret he debated whether or not this was the only reason. They continued to argue, but things had become more-friendly, somewhat at least. These arguments had become much more similar to debating, which Logan proudly won most of the time. Okay, maybe not most of the time, but certainly a good portion of it. They’d made connections, ones Logan didn’t think were possible. As it turned out, they could from time to time agree. With time as the heat subsided and gave way to the brisk autumn and the coming of winter, the two became closer, with a noticeable nudge on Patton’s part. Logan didn’t quite understand what kept him returning to Roman, or why he stayed. Regardless, he did drawn in far beyond his escape.
Now Logan wondered the corridors of Roman’s expansive home, a grand mansion bursting with guests. Many of them, Logan could tell, had not been invited but rather had wondered in, moths attracted to the bright and seductive lights of Roman’s house that was gaudy in every respect, much too fancy for Logan’s taste. It was glimmering and over-the-top, so much so that it was dizzying and overwhelming. He’d never been to Roman’s house and he felt lost in the crowds, drowning in unfamiliarity.
He’d been here nearly an hour and had not once caught sight of the host. He’d asked around in the mess of strangers, but none of them had seen him. This, as it seemed, was a bust. Logan had gone to all of the trouble of getting dressed up, wearing a taste-full Navy-colored suit with a blue-jay tinted tie, his hair slicked back. There seemed to be no reason to remain in this desolate place if he couldn’t even find Roman, and so he made a plan to leave.
But just as he turned in the direction of the door and sift through the crowd he felt a hand clamp around his wrist, his heartbeat spiking.
“Going somewhere?” A sly, almost sensual voice queried. Logan turned around to face him.
“Ah, Roman. Greetings – “he said before the man engulfed him into a cocoon of an embrace.
“Oh, I’m so pleased you came!” Roman practically sang, giving Logan a final, uncomfortable squeeze before releasing him.
“Yes, well…” Logan trailed off, becoming lost in his speech as he got a good look at Roman for the first time that evening. He wore a stark white tuxedo, his hair perfectly combed so that not a strand was out of place. He had on a maroon tie and a pair of shoes that matched. There was a gleam in his eyes tonight, bright and brilliant, outshining all the dazzling lights Roman’s party had to offer.
“You alright, Calculator Watch?” Roman asked, amused, though there was an edge of concern to his voice. God, Logan thought, utterly mortified, he’d caught him staring.
Logan straightened his tie and adjusted his glasses – a common nervous tick of his. “Just fine. My apologies…I simply got off of track. As I was saying: Parties like this aren’t quite my scene. I was just…going out to get a breath of fresh air.”
Roman quirked an eyebrow. “Oh? Do you mind if I join you?” Logan let a sigh come rolling past his lips, considering for a brief moment before shaking his head.
“I suppose not.”
“Wonderful! Off we go!” Roman erupted excitedly, looping his arm with Logan and dragging him away from the door and towards the party.
“Roman…?”
“Trust me, Nerd. It’s not what you think,” he said, saying hello to a few of his guests as they paraded by, Logan on his arm, and blushing like an idiot as he tried to pry himself from the actor’s grasp, but to no avail. He was lead up a grand marble staircase and out onto a balcony that overlooked the glimmering lights of the city. Logan couldn’t help but gawk in wonder, so high up and watching the lights twinkle in the night, the darkness unable to smother their beauty. He let out a sigh, leaning against the stone railing. He was never one to romanticize city living, or what it came with, but Logan couldn’t deny the fact that this truly was a gorgeous view.
“You like it?” Roman asked, standing beside him.
“It’s…breathtaking,” Logan decided, staring out into the expansion of buildings and houses.
“I’d like to think so, yeah,” Roman said contently, his eyes trained on Logan rather than the scenery. The two sat in silence for a moment, a rustling of a wind running through their hair and ruffling their suits slightly. Still, it wasn’t too chilly, and Logan thought he might like to stay up there staring down at the rest of the world forever.
“Why did you invite me here?” he heard himself ask. He hadn’t been planning to bring it up in the first place, it just sort of slipped out. Still, his eyes did not meet Roman’s.
“What kind of a silly question is that?” Roman replied in surprise, “I invited you because we’re companions. Are we not?” Logan bit his lip, fighting back the urge to look into Roman’s eyes because he knew in an instant he could be hypnotized into some lovesick fool and who knows what kind of outlandish things he’d be capable of spewing.
“Yes. We are.”
I don’t have affections for Roman. I don’t have affections for Roman. I feel nothing for Roman. I feel nothing for ….
He felt firm hands grip his chin, turning his head so that he had no choice but to face the fire behind Roman’s eyes. Logan swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat, feeling ill. He wasn’t used to such a rush of emotion, he didn’t understand such things and decided he never would.
“Are you quite alright Logan?” Roman asked, still holding him by the face. Logan forced himself away from the man’s gentle caress, tilting his body in the opposite directional and crossing his arms over his chest.
“I don’t understand why you continue to spend time with me.” There was a bitterness to Logan’s voice, an unforgivingly sad resentment growing, “I’m not like all of those people. Not like you. I don’t know what kind of fanciful ideas you’ve got in your head, but I tell you they don’t belong there. I’m not the kind of person you’re supposed to spend your time with, and you most certainly are not mine.” He meant to stop himself, to cease this onslaught of expression, but it was far too late. He began to tremble as he spoke. “This world of yours is not meant for people like me. I…I don’t think we were ever meant to cross paths in the first place. What…what is it that you want with me… What use am I?”
Logan’s voice faltered, quivering slightly before he was scooped up embraced once more, Roman’s strong arms pulling him into his chest and a hand carding itself through his hair.
“Shh,” he soothed, more gentile than Logan had ever heard, “It’s alright. I’m…not what you think I am, Logan. But don’t think for a moment that I would ever use you, or that you don’t belong in my life. Silly man,” he chuckled lowly, still holding Logan near to him. Logan, seconds before had been telling himself to flee the physical contact and thusly free himself from this wretched party but…he didn’t move. Couldn’t perhaps. He felt glued to the spot, far too content in Roman’s arms.
“Come here a minute, sit with me.” Roman let go and took Logan by the hand gently, easing him into a chair that sat beside another identical one that he sat down in. “I want to tell you something.” Logan cast his gaze to the ground, still trembling. He felt so pitifully weak.
“I’m – I apologize, Roman. That was wrong of me to speak that way. I don’t know what’s come over me. Really, your hospitality is appreciated.” Roman frowned.
“It’s alright. No hard feelings. Logan I – “Roman stopped himself, a passion in his eyes as he met Logan’s. “I’m sorry I made you feel as though you weren’t welcome in some way. Most people I invite to these things, well they’re of little substance. And those who come without an invitation are usually the same. I fill my home with all of these people…and it makes me feel warm and alive inside. Like I’ve done something for them. Granted them some fairytale, I suppose. But in the end, it’s a show. Another role I was born to play. They leave, and the house is desolate again, dark and cold and I no longer feel the sense of pride and joy that I once did. These people provide me with a moment’s pleasure, but you, you’re so much more than them. Then all of them put together,” he spoke with such emotional intensity it frightened Logan some, especially as he grabbed Logan’s hands with his own, lacing their fingers together. “You’re something greater. And I think I’ve been missing it all my life.” Logan let out a shudder of a breath, eyes wide.
“How much alcohol have you partaken in tonight, Roman?” The wealthy man made a sound of dispute, a playful anger flashing across his face.
“I haven’t had any! Here I am, trying to express how I’m feeling and the importance that you’re beginning to play in my life and you insinuate that I’m drunk! How rude!” Logan shook his head, his mind a turbulent of unsteady and fast-moving thoughts and feelings.
“I don’t know what goes through your head, Roman, or where you get these things,” he said in disbelief.
“No, you don’t get it,” Roman agreed, shaking his head. “Listen to me, please,” he said softer, giving Logan’s hands a light squeeze, “Logan, when I was younger, I suppressed my sexuality. I tried to hide it, to never let it show because if I did I’d be weak. An easy target. My parents taught early on that homosexuality was about as corrupt a person could be, and so I hid it, festering in my own anguish for many years. My original name isn’t Prince, actually, it’s Harvell. Hardly anyone knows that I…well I don’t bring this up too often.” A look of genuine sadness passed across Logan’s face.
“Roman I…I had no idea. I am deeply sorry for your troubled upbringing.” Knowing Roman, he never would have guessed he’d grown up in such an oppressive household.
“It’s alright, companion. Nothing to be sorry for; it wasn’t you’re doing. I just wanted to escape them as best I could, you know? So, I changed my name to one I found more befitting when I got to peruse a dream they promised would make me a failure. They were wrong, terribly wrong, and finally, I got to live my life open, more freely than I ever could. But then why I wondered, did I still feel so hollow inside?
“It was loneliness it seemed. A loneliness I did not know how to fill, so I tried with parties, gatherings of all kinds. A few dozen flings, in all honesty. I’m not proud of that, but I was just so tired of feeling alone I needed something to tide me over. But by God, Logan, ever since I met you I’ve felt so…different.”
Logan retracted his hands and rose to his feet, nausea washing over him as he ran his hands through his hair, his mind a television static.
“What…what is the meaning of this? Why’re you speaking to me this way?” His voice increased in speed as he continued, a tonic of panic charged against Roman. Logan felt as though going out of his mind and he found himself looking away and shivering as Roman’s hand settled onto his shoulder. He quickly pushed it away.
“Logan –.”
“Please –,” god, there was a desperation in Logan’s voice. A kind that terrified him. “Don’t do this to me.” He looked away, refusing to so much as glance at Roman. A seething heat crept its way up from Logan’s neck to the very tips of his ears. His whole body shook like he had caught some airborne disease and there were tears, yes, actual tears, building behind Logan’s eyes, so plentiful they would surely flow. He hadn’t cried in such a long time and doing so now would only worsen a truly despicable evening. The walls Logan had built up and hid behind were crumbling, coming down bit by bit right in front of Roman. In the moment, all he wanted to do was disappear.
“Logan,” Roman repeated, his voice cutting through the hazy state of Logan’s mind, “I am so sorry that I’ve made you so uncomfortable. That I’ve made you feel unwelcome in my home…and in my heart. But there’s something I’d like you to know – that I need you to know.” Logan bit the inside of his cheek, moving slowly, mechanically to face Roman, a man who did so much to his already so fragile heart. He felt his lips tremble as he spoke.
“W-why?” He asked. And he hated what Roman was doing to him. He despised it. “Why should I allow you to continue to hurt me?” The question wounded Roman so. Logan could see it in his eyes, the way their shimmer momentarily dulled.
“I – I never meant to cause you pain. You must understand that…” Roman said, a breath caught in his throat as he took a step towards Logan. There was a look of shinning, genuine bravery that flashed across the actor’s handsome face. There was fear and hesitance present with it, but that damn courageous expression he wore said more about Roman than words ever could.
“I…I” he closed his eyes, taking in a shaky breath, “I’m falling in love with you, Logan.” Roman’s voice was void of its usual suave, leaving an emotional, broken tint to his words. He was breathless – not nearly as breathless as Logan.
“W-what?” That’s all he could think to ask. “We’re hardly acquainted. I’ve barely known you and now,” Logan paused, throwing his hands in the air as he glared at Roman, “Now you tell me that…that you're falling in love with me?! I’m not like these other men. I won’t let you toy with my heart.”
“Calculator Watch, I would never –.”
“I-I think I should leave. Goodnight, Roman.” There’s was a storm brewing inside of Logan, so strong he feared it might rip him apart. He needs to get out now, he realized, and never return, lest the storm would destroy every last part of him.
“Tell me you feel nothing for me!” The shout that exited Roman cut through the winds and the rain that brewed inside of Logan and he turned around, Roman’s eyes wide and frightened like a child. His breath was ragged and uneven.
“I…I beg your pardon?”
“I said: Tell me you feel nothing for me. If you do so, I’ll leave you alone. Forever, if you so desire. But if there is even the smallest, tiniest part of you who feels something for me, I implore you to stay.” Logan tried to swallow down the lump that had materialized in his throat, silently begging himself to stay even-keel. He found himself unable.
“I…it doesn’t matter what I feel for you if anything.”
“But it does. It-it matters because you’ve all I can think about, Logan. You’re so…so different than anyone I’ve ever met, and I want something so desperately it might surely tear me apart.” Logan closed his eyes, his fists clenched.
“You lead a varying lifestyle, one that does not intersect with mine. You’ve had a great deal of lovers –.”
“They meant nothing to me!”
“How…how can I be sure you won’t scorn me?” Logan opened his eyes to Roman with both hands settled on his hips, a glimmer in those bright eyes.
“Because I know that you’re going to be the love of my life and once I have you, I’ll never want to let you go.” Logan didn’t want to give in to his words. Didn’t want to give into that voice like honey or those eyes that glistened with tears and hope, so much hope. But he did; Logan felt drowned in all of Roman all at once and he, surprisingly, was the one to lean up to connect their lips.
Once contact was made there was no going back. Not when Logan was immediately addicted to Roman’s kiss, his lips interlocking with his own so perfectly, it felt like they were designed for Logan himself. He braced himself against the actor, gripping his face in his hands as Roman held him by the hips, their eyes shut because nothing in the world was as beautiful or impactful to them at this moment in time. And when they drew away Logan knew it was true.
“I’m…I’m falling in love with you too, Roman. I’m descending so fast and so far, I don’t know what’ll happen when I hit the ground.” But now he wasn’t sure if he’d ever hit the ground at all, because Roman was kissing him again, this time with an immense deal of passion, and he’d never felt so frightened and so safe at the same time.
The crowded party no longer worried Logan in the least bit. He didn’t feel out of place, not with Roman holding him the way he was, kissing him like he was the most beautiful man he’d ever known. Logan, for the first time in a long time, let the logistics of the situations and his numbing doubts fall away. He gave into desire.
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