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Bernie had fallen in love for the first time at 14. She hadn't known it at the time, she'd simply wanted to be around Susan Nash every minute of the day and lived for the simple smiles they shared together.
But then they'd drifted apart, different colleges, different Universities. Very different lives.
They hadn't ever met again, although she did get a Facebook friend request a few years ago that she'd accepted. Bernie didn't use Facebook or Twitter or anything really. She liked face to face conversations or ignoring the issue and hoping for the best.
But that had always served her badly.
She'd first considered that she might, possibly, maybe not be entirely straight when she was 16 and reading... well a certain type of 'women's' book. She found herself thinking about herself as the male. Not that she wanted to be a male. But she felt simply happier to be doing the touching rather than being touched.
She decided quickly that that was a mistake. She was a tom boy yes, but that was all. She still liked men, she could tell who was an attractive person physically. So she married Marcus. He was nice, they could speak about work, he never demeaned her for wanting to join the military, never expected her to be a housewife. He was just happy to have a simple marriage.
She never loved Marcus. She cared for him, liked him. But she never thought about him in the same way she'd thought about Susan Nash.
Facebook told her Susan was in a Civil Partnership with Ruth Richards. So maybe that's where it all went wrong. Maybe if Bernie had been braver, more self aware as a teenager things could have been so very different.
But marriage to Marcus wasn't bad. He had low expectations for her. When they'd had Cam and Charlotte she'd been happy for maybe the first time. Looking into their eyes and seeing herself looking back was a wonderful moment. She was content. She felt love again.
When she first met Alex she felt nothing. Well not nothing, but no attraction really. She knew she was pretty. The fact that her hair was the same colour as Susan was just a coincidence. She was fun to be around, an excellent doctor, they worked so well together.
It wasn't a great love affair. It started with a simple kiss. A peck on the cheek. Then a quick fumble in her quarters. She'd called home afterwards, a large part of her desperate to tell Marcus. But she didn't.
It was probably fear. She'd always been scared. Scared of letting people down, of being a disappointment.
She justified it in her mind, that it was okay because Marcus wouldn't know. That it was different because Alex was a woman. But it wasn't. She was cheating on her husband.
When she'd been blown back home it had seemed like her life was over.
The NHS was so much smaller than RAMC. She'd hated it.
But life moved on. She moved on. She broke Marcus' heart. Probably broke Alex's heart as well. Charlotte and Cameron tolerated her, but the love she felt for them remained, even if she was awful at expressing it.
Bernie fell in love the second time at 51. She obviously had a type, even Marcus had short dark hair.
Serena made her feel alive. She thought about her continuously. Which was stupid, she was far to old to feel the way she did.
Looking back now they had maybe 3 weeks together.
How can you consider someone the love of your life after 3 week of an actual happy, contented, proper relationship.
Things weren't perfect. Far from it. There was Kiev, Elinor, Jasmine and then Serena was gone. Bernie had become the Marcus, waiting at home for someone to decide she was worthy of a call.
She waited as long as she could for Serena to come home. When she didn't Bernie went to her. Two weeks in a French vineyard was like holiday romance. But Serena wasn't ready to come home, or to go with her. But that was fine. She had hope.
Faith in love for the first time in her life. She wasn't going to make the mistakes of the past. She would do better this time, because she couldn't lose Serena.
They made plans together. It didn't matter where they went, Bernie would follow her anywhere. But Serena decided on Africa, the Trauma Centre they'd build together. They'd save so many lives. So many Elinor's and Arthur's. Jasmine's and Raf's.
That was probably Bernie's mistake. She'd assumed they'd want the same things. Bernie wanted Serena, so she'd assumed Serena would feel the same.
When she'd walked away in June she'd been devastated, there was no denying. But, it was strange. It was like that old saying, if you love something let it free. So she'd tried to do that. But Serena didn't want that, she wanted Bernie.
Eternity as it turned out was less than 6 months.
Love wasn't enough as it turned out. Bernie wasn't enough for Serena. History told her that she should be the cheat. She should be the coward who didn't tell the truth.
She'd cheated on Marcus and lied about it.
Serena had cheated on her and lied about it. Was not telling someone a lie? Hiding the fact she'd slept with an F1 in the on call room.
When she'd told Marcus she was leaving him he'd asked if their was someone else. She'd lied, or had she? There wasn't anyone at that point. There had been, but there wasn't then. He'd told her that they could work through it, that even if that had been someone while she was away he understood. That as long as she loved him it would all work out.
But she didn't love him.
She loved Serena. She loved Serena equal to that of her children. Equal but different.
Serena claimed to love her. But she'd kissed her hours, maybe even minutes after her lips had been on another woman.
Was it worse that she'd been with another woman? Did Bernie like the fact that she was the only woman Serena had ever done anything with? She'd been jealous of Robbie. But it was different. She'd liked the fact that Serena wanted her.
How, if you really love someone can you be with someone else? Bernie, for her many sins, had never loved Marcus. Almost as soon as she'd met Serena she'd never even considered someone else.
Serena had lied and cheated. Finding out from someone else was just the icing on a really rubbish cake.
It actually didn't matter that Serena was sorry. It didn't matter that she wasn't in love with the F1. It annoyed her slightly that she'd tried to excuse her behaviour by blaming menopause and Bernie's lack of communication. A mistake was a drunken kiss not Serena's choice.
She'd not shagged someone else when Serena had left her with no word for 4 months.
But maybe that was the difference. Maybe that's what made her a hypocrite. She'd cheated but she couldn't forgive a cheat herself.
Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes loving someone means you can't be with them. When you open yourself up, when you let yourself love someone fully, this is what happens. Or at least that what had happened to her.
She'd loved Serena with her whole heart. But when was the last time that itself had actually made her happy? Those few weeks in France? Those few weeks before Elinor died?
Serena had made the decision to cheat.
Bernie had to make the decision to leave.
Love isn't everything. Happiness is.