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Evil Genius Jack Spicer, King of Darkness and Master of Metal, had a conundrum.
Casually stretched across his totally-cool-and-not-over-the-top-garish throne in the center of his equally amazing evil lair, he frowned down at the Xiaolin Dragons. They clumped in a group, surrounded by Jack's updated army of security robots. Raimundo stood in front with his hands in the air, eyes frightened but barely heeding the hovering laser gun inches from his face. Teeth gritted and fingers trembling, he peered up at the throne.
Unfortunately, Jack was not alone. Wuya, his slightly less welcome house guest, smirked and spoke first. "Jack, it seems as though you have a pest control problem." She turned from the throne and rested a hand on her hip. "To what do we owe the pleasure, Xiaolin Warriors?"
"I'm sorry, whose lair is this again, Wuya?" Jack snapped, gaze still trained on Raimundo. "I'll ask the questions around here." Clearing his throat, standing dramatically from his throne, and ignoring how Wuya towered over him, he called down, "What do you want, losers?"
The monks shrank closer together, and Jack narrowed his eyes. Kimiko shook from what he could only guess was a barely repressed urge to start blasting the surrounding Jackbots. Clay stood behind Raimundo, his pale blue shirt wrapped around something in his arms, stained and dripping red. The new kid-- Jermaine, if Jack remembered right-- hovered next to Clay and looked close to tears. And Omi... where was Omi?
Jack's eyes drifted back to the bloodstained bundle in Clay's arms.
Raimundo took a shaking breath. "Help."
Jack managed to keep his expression neutral, but the tense moment of silence broke at Wuya's cackle. Grinning wide, she tossed her hair and hissed, "Oh, did the cue ball bite off more than he can chew? I think I owe his assailant a kiss. I'm surprised at you, Raimundo-- Aren't leaders supposed to protect their loyal minions?"
Raimundo's face crumpled in a grimace. Jack stepped forward to the top of the stairs and called down, "What happened to him? Is he okay?"
Raimundo blinked up at him in surprise, expression softening into something Jack couldn't read. Wuya scoffed and gave Jack a disdainful side-eye. "Since when do you care, Jack? Didn't these little do-gooders break three of your ribs last week?"
Jack gave a dismissive snort. "I was fine. The idiots dropped the Necklace of Amelior. It healed me right up." He still remembered the apologetic expression on Omi's face when the small monk had "accidentally" let the healing Shen Gong Wu fall from his pocket right before dashing back to the other warriors.
"Ahh," said Wuya, sneering down at the monks again. "So that's what they want so badly."
"Raimundo, partner," Clay murmured, glancing up. "His pulse, it ain't-- We don't have time for this--" Jermaine made a choked noise and grabbed at Omi's exposed hand.
"Jack." Raimundo stepped forward until the barrel of a Jackbot's laser gun was pressed into his forehead. "Jack, you have the Necklace of Amelior. It can heal him. Help us--"
"Oh, I'm sure Jack would be willing to help you," said Wuya, still smiling, "for the right price."
"Name it," said Raimundo immediately.
Wuya put a finger to her chin and pretended to contemplate for a moment. "How about... all of your Shen Gong Wu... along with your eternal servitude?"
The Xiaolin monks tensed. Jack expected them to instantly refuse, but no one did. Omi coughed feebly. Raimundo glanced back at the smallest monk and bit his lip, and when he turned back around, his shoulders were slumped in defeat. "I--"
"Whoa, whoa, hold up," hollered Jack, stepping between the monks and Wuya. Spinning to glare up at her, he snarled, "Just who are they swearing their loyalty to, Wuya, huh?"
Wuya blinked innocently. "Why, to both of us, of course."
Jack took a threatening step toward her, and he grinned wickedly when she actually moved back in response. "And since when were you my spokesperson? Just a minute ago, you were begging me for a place to crash because Shadow kicked you out after you tried to steal her powers. Again."
Wuya flushed. "She did not kick me out-- I left of my own free--"
"Whatever." Jack snapped his fingers, and the hundreds of Jackbots in the room spun their weapons around to point at Wuya instead of the Xiaolin Warriors. "The Necklace of Amelior is mine, and I choose the price for it, not you."
Wuya's nostrils flared. "And what was wrong with my price? Don't tell me you're going soft on the Xiaolin Warriors after everything they've done--"
Jack spun away from her and strolled down the stairs, waving an uninterested hand back at her. "Hey, you know what they say-- friends close, enemies closer, all that jazz." When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he was eye level with Raimundo, who shifted aside. Limp and tiny in Clay's arms, Omi looked like something had chewed him up and spit him out. Tattered bits of his robes poked out from Clay's shirt, which was so soaked in red, a puddle dripped at his boots. Underneath a large wet sleeve clumsily wrapped around his head, the young monk blinked slowly.
Jack swallowed some bile and loudly cleared his throat. Squaring his shoulders, he said, "Luckily for all of you, I'm not a big fan of the whole 'forced eternal loyalty' thing. And I don't need your obsolete Shen Gong Wu when I'm practically making my own." At the hopeful expressions in his enemies' eyes, he cleared his throat again and took a step back. "But, ya know, I got my evil reputation to uphold. Can't just give you losers stuff for free. So you'll have to uh... um..." Dang it, he couldn't think when all the monks were looking at him in such naked desperation. What would any other self-respecting evil overlord demand from his enemies at their most vulnerable?
"Uh." His eyes lit up, and he snapped his fingers. "Beg. Yeah. Begging sounds right, right?" He nodded at them, and when they just stared blankly, he clapped his hands and said, "Well? Beg Jack Spicer for his mercy!"
The older monks stammered, confused. Jermaine dropped to his knees, openly crying and choking on his words. "J-Jack, please, it's my f-fault that thing got him-- I wasn't f-fast enough, and he was t-trying to protect me 'cause I'm his apprentice and--"
Jack wrinkled his nose and waved his hands in front of him. "Whoa, eww, how old are you, kid? Like, ten? You are not making me feel all warm and fuzzy and evil-- you're just making me feel like a dirt bag. Get up." Jermaine gulped and clambered back to his feet, and Jack pointed at each of the others. "Not you, either, cowboy-- you need to keep Omi still. And Kimiko, full offense: I don't think you're capable of begging, not even to save someone's life, and I don't need you combusting in my lair." Ignoring her angry sputter, he spun until he was nose to nose with Raimundo. "Alright, leader, your turn. Beg."
Raimundo didn't cry like Jermaine, but his breath still shook when he murmured, "Jack, please help us. Help Omi. He's hurt, and you're the only one who can save him, please--" He reached out and grabbed Jack's arms. "Please, Jack--"
Jack slapped Raimundo's arms away. "Hey, hands off the evil overcoat. Down on the ground."
Raimundo flushed in annoyance but quickly dropped to his hands and knees. Facing the floor, he said, "Please, Jack, he's bleeding, please, that thing tried to eat him, his arm is gone--"
Jack recoiled. "He-- really? His arm? Geez, are you serious--?" He stuttered to a stop and shook his head to clear it. Squaring his shoulders again, he said more loudly, "Uh. Um. Kiss my feet. Loser."
"Jack, how long are you going to do this?" hissed Kimiko. "We don't have time to stroke your ego, and if you're trying to humiliate him, it's not going to work--"
Jack held up a finger to her. "That sounds like a challenge." On the floor, Raimundo moved towards Jack's boots, and Jack took a step back. "Changed my mind. Don't kiss my feet. Kiss me on the mouth." He grinned at the immediate expressions of revulsion on Clay's and Kimiko's faces. "Ha! How's that for humiliating--" The rest of his sentence got cut off when Raimundo's mouth landed on his.
Jack froze. Raimundo's hands were in his hair, holding his head still, while Jack's own hands sort of flailed in bewilderment at his sides, and Jack's heart hammered against his rib cage because Raimundo's mouth was a lot warmer and softer than he had expected, and he didn't really have the time to process what was happening before Raimundo pulled away from him.
Jack openly stared, mouth opening and closing a few times. Raimundo's eyes were deep green and wild, his face was flushed red, and his hands were still in Jack's hair. His own brown hair was messy, and Jack could smell some sort of faint cologne--
"Next?" said Raimundo.
"Huh?" said Jack.
"The Necklace of Amelior, Jack. I did what you wanted."
"O-oh." Jack blinked and tried to remember how thinking and talking worked. "Uh-- uh-- Date." At Raimundo's frown, Jack clarified, "You uh, you have to take me on a date." He touched a finger to the other young man's nose. "You and me."
Raimundo's eyes widened. "Right now?"
"H-how about this, handsome-- uh, loser." Jack reached back into one of his many pockets and pulled out the Necklace of Amelior. Raimundo took in a sharp breath, and Jack said, "You have to swear-- give me your word as a Xiaolin Warrior, or whatever-- that you're gonna take me on a date, and you're going to to do your best to sweep me off my freaking feet, and uh, you have to kiss me again. Do that, and you can have the Wu."
"A date?" Raimundo said blankly. "One date? You and me? Deal." He yanked the Shen Gong Wu from Jack's hand and ran back to the rest of the group. "Necklace of Amelior!"
In a burst of light, Omi gasped and shuddered in Clay's arms. The monks tightened their clump around him, and when the light faded, the tiny monk panted and gingerly pulled his arm out from under the blue cloth. He stared at his flexing fingers for a moment before smiling weakly at the others. "Hello, friends."
Jack chuckled at how the other monks practically dogpiled their poor comrade, babbling at him in relief. Jermaine managed to yank Omi out of Clay's arms and into his own, and the two youngest monks were sandwiched between the others in a group hug. Jack rolled his eyes and glanced up at Wuya, who still stood at the top of the stairs, arms crossed and nose wrinkled in disgust.
Before Jack could start formulating a plan on rebuilding his evil dignity, he found himself getting yanked into a pair of strong arms. As his face reddened at the realization that Raimundo was hugging him, the other young man kissed him on the cheek. When he pulled away, Jack stammered, "W-what was that for?"
Raimundo stepped back and awkwardly shrugged. "I... I dunno. You said I owed you another kiss."
"On the date, you goober." Jack tried to step back as well, playing things casually, and he nearly tripped over his own ankle.
"Oh. Right." Raimundo glanced back at the other monks, who looked like they were waiting for his command to leave. "Um." Running a hand through his hair, he shrugged again and said, "So uh... I guess I'll... call you?"
"B-better not bail on me, loser." Jack bit his lip, thinking of all the empty promises his own evil allies had broken.
"Xiaolin Warriors keep their word," said Raimundo, standing tall, "and Pedrosas don't skimp out on dates." He wore a confident smirk that certainly did not make Jack weak in the knees, no sir. The Xiaolin leader turned and rejoined his team, and as he led the group out the lair's front doors, Jack watched him go, heart still racing.
A conundrum, indeed.