Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They met on Craigslist.

No, really. Taako (you know, from TV?) was bundled up in his shithole of an apartment, eyes glazing over as he scrolled past endless ads for stuff he was pretty sure was illegal in some states. He could have responded, he supposed. He was pretty enough, had that 'unique' look they all said they liked. And he also hadn't eaten in a couple of days. Before he gave in and just answered one of the creeps, an ad in all bold and black caught his eye.

LOOKING FOR TWO ROOMMATES FOR A THREE BEDROOM APARTMENT. MORE INFORMATION UNDER THE CUT. MUST BE FINE WITH--

“Ugh! Who would do that with a plant?” But even as Taako groaned in disgust, he heard the faint sound of the ever-leaking faucet in his bathroom and saw the mysterious stain that had been on the carpet since he moved in and hadn’t gotten out since. Plus his mirror was still broken from when he got tired of looking at his bony frame and tired eyes. The place was fucking falling apart around him. And the apartment in the ad looked pretty nice…

So that’s how he, Taako ended up sitting across from a stout old guy with flowers woven into his hair, tapping his perfectly manicured nails on the metal table while the dude read over the half-assed bio he typed so he wouldn’t have to, like, talk to him. This creep, unfortunately, did not get a hint.

“So, ‘Taako From TV’. Why did you respond to this ad?” Taako flipped his purple bangs out of his eyes, disinterested. I need to re-dye soon, he thinks idly.

“Uh, because I need a place that isn’t a complete garbage fire and rent’s cheap here.”

“What’s your job?”

“I’m in between jobs right now.”

“Hm.” The guy wrote something down on a notebook next to his desk, frowning. Okay, so maybe he should try to play nice. He did actually want to live in this place, even if it did require for him to live with Plant Creepster. “What’s your view on the use of weed?” Taako could smell that shit in the air around the old man ever since he walked in, so he plastered on his best show-selling smile.

“All cool, my man.”

How fine are you with vines being used to--”

Before he could finish that delightful sentence, the door slammed open and a giant guy with killer sideburns and muscles on muscles on muscles burst in.

“Hi! Sorry if I’m late!” The guy crashed down on the chair next to Taako, smelling of sweat and dogs. “There was just this dog outside and I just had to pet it! Uh, Magnus Burnsides, nice to meet you.” He handed over his own crumpled-up paper.

“Merle Highchurch,” the old man grumbled, giving the paper a cursory glance. They sat in silence for a few suffocating minutes. Usually, Taako would enjoy the quiet, but he was growing more and more uncomfortable by the second and he had nothing to distract himself with. It was weird, but ever since Mango or whatever came in, his palms felt especially tingly, like he sat on them for too long. He shoved his hands deeper into his coat pocket, toying with his cellphone. “You’re also between jobs?” Magnus deflated a little bit at the question.

“Uh, yeah? I have savings, so I can still pay rent until I find a job. I’m a carpenter.” He seemed to be playing with a toy… duck? Whatever. Merle was old-man sighing again.

“So neither of you are employed?” The man sighed again as the other two shook their heads. “Just great. That makes three of us. God, who’s going to pay the rent now? You two are the only ones that applied.”

“Wait, what?!” Taako stopped fiddling with his obnoxious hat. “Did you seriously, put up a Craigslist ad for two people to pay your rent for you?” Taako wasn’t usually this snappish, but the buzzing feeling in his fingers had started crawling up his arm, restless energy itching at his hands. Merle was staring at him blankly.

“Uh… yeah?” Taako groaned, sweeping up in a flurry of colors.

“Okay, ‘cha boy’s out.” He didn’t make it halfway across the room when the tingling in his hands suddenly got worse and his cellphone felt strangely… sticky. His brain only had a few seconds to stare down at his hand before the sound of crunching metal made him whirl back around.

Now, Taako didn’t gape. But if he stared a little, it wasn’t his fault.

“Uh, my dudes?”

"Yeah?" Taako pointed at the vines surrounding Merle, the actual steel that Biceps over there just bent, and finally at his own cell phone, which had just turned into a block of chocolate in his hand.

"What the fuck?"

------------------

Two hours and lots of screaming later, the three boys sat around the table. Magnus had his head in his hands, the same hands that had just crumpled up the table like it was paper. Taako had turned his earrings to peppermint, and was now desperately trying to turn his phone back. And Merle? Merle was way too happy with his power.

Jesus, could this day get any worse?

“So… any of you know what the fuck this is?”

“N--no?” Magnus still didn’t look up. “I mean I’ve always been strong, but…”

“What, never torn up metal before?” Taako laughed a bit hysterically. “And you, old man? Did you know about your whole vines thing?”

“If I did, do you think I would still be here talking to you clowns?”

“Ugh. Okay, okay. None of us know anything about how I just turned my phone into a Kit-Kat?” Silence. Now, Taako was tired. He woke up this morning foolishly thinking that he could just sweep in there, dazzle his future roommate and finally abandon the memories that his old place stank of for a fresh start. How could he possibly forget the vendetta fate inexplicably had against him? He was done. “Fine. Well, I’m outtie!” He tossed his useless chocolate-phone aside (he didn’t have anyone to call, anyway) and flounced out of the door.

“Wait! Where are you going?” He hadn't made it halfway down the hall when he heard footsteps and Magnus shouting.

“Uh… home?” He cringed as he said the word, tasting its dryness in his mouth.

“But what about the whole powers thing?”

“What about the whole powers thing?!”

“I know you felt it when I walked into the room. These powers weren’t random. We’re, I don’t know, connected. We have to stick together, you know? I was thinking we should--”

“What? You want us to join forces? Fight crime like the motherfucking Justice League? I already ruined my phone and my earrings, and as much fun as ‘superpowers’ sound, I'm good out here!” Taako was breathing hard now, dark skin flushed. Magnus blinked blankly.

“Uh, actually, I was thinking we should get high in Merle’s apartment? Because the powers are super trippy, and I don’t really know anybody else around here, and he seems like the kind of dude to have some good stuff.”

Only someone as stone-cold as Taako pretends to be could resist Magnus’ puppy eyes.

Next thing Taako knew, he was sauntering out of his old apartment, all his stuff packed up in a U-haul and shipped off to Merle’s apartment. Magnus had quite a bit saved away, enough to cover rent for the first few months.

It was weird how easy they fit in together. Magnus was loud and boisterous, but he was kind and knew how to fix shit. (There were times he got a little too quiet, times where he would hide inside his room and stare at his not-super-well hidden pictures of a tall, curly-haired woman laughing at the camera.) Merle was high, like, constantly, but he was always shared and gave the best advice. (‘I was married once,’ he chuckled at the dinner table on a late Saturday night, drunk off his ass. He said nothing the next morning.) Taako insisted he couldn’t stand the pair, but he always knew just what to order for them every time they got take out and had their coffee orders memorized by heart. (He never went near the kitchen. The other two learned not to ask him about it.) The powers were still taking time to get used to, of course. But Merle was learning to use the vines like a second pair of hands, and Magnus wasn’t breaking everything he touched, and Taako finally turned his phone back after it sat in the freezer for two weeks.

“Hey guys!” Merle sang, tromping into the room, a whirlwind of leaves and flora. He slammed a paper on the table. “We’re going out tonight! The bar down the street, 9:00, tonight. I got us a gig!”

“Who’s Gundren Rockseeker?” Magnus squinted at the crumpled placemat. “Isn’t that your cousin?”

“Yep. Says he needs some people to move some of his stuff to that new town, Phandalin. He has some shit for a new weapons development program he’s a part of there, and he needs some capable people to be discreet and fast and a little bit off the books to transport it.” Taako gestured from his mismatched eyes to his metallic heels.

“Um, capable, fast, off the books? That we can do. But discreet? Gramps, you’ve met me, right?” Taako turned up his nose at the notion, even as a branch smacks his arm.

“Discreet as in not going around and blabbering about the goods we carried, you drama queen.” The vines snapped around Merle as he talked.

“So? Are we taking the job or not?” Magnus looked around the room, hope in his eyes. Taako knew he hadn’t been having much luck at getting a job. None of them had.

“I don’t know. This sounds pretty risky. What’s the pay?” Merle smirked and slipped them a post-it note.

A beat of silence.

“Well, fuck me. What am I supposed to do, say no?”

Chapter Text

Mangus was bored.

Objectively, this adventure ticked all the boxes. Shady employer, dangerous weapons, good friends, superpowers, etc. Two shady guys, actually. Gundren had said something about a bodyguard of his he hired, Barry... whatever, and he was super sketch. So this should have been fun, right? In reality, he was sitting in a van for six hours, driving to some random town surrounded in empty coffee cups and McDonald's burger wrappers listening to Merle and Taako bicker about everything. Usually he'd be totally down to join in on that sweet, sweet banter, but he was running on cold fries and shitty caffeine and the bombs in the back of the truck reminded him far too much of a certain shitty governor. In an attempt to distract himself from... that, he slowly tuned himself back to where Taako was mocking Merle about something.

"Don't come in dad, I'm studying my bible-- Oh, Mags, you're back from dreamland. How're you doing, bud? Want Merle to relieve you of your post so you can get some z's in?"

"Hey! I never said I was offering! If you're so worried, you do it!"

"I'm gay, I can't drive. Also, Taako doesn't 'worry'." Magnus fought back a fond smile. For all his aloofness, Taako had a tendency to fuss over everyone.

"It's fine, Taako. Also, even if you two wanted to, I'm literally the only one of us with a driver's license."

"Please, if we get stopped by the police I think that would be the least of our problems. We're carrying half a lab's worth of explosives in the back of our truck." Magnus pulled onto a back road, hazily watching the headlights flash over the dust.

"I mean, yeah, you have a poi--" He stopped the car with a screech, blood gone cold. "Merle? Is that Gundren's car?" he choked out. Merle fumbled for his glasses, squinting across the way.

"Oh no. Oh shit, yeah." In short, the car was absolutely wrecked. Not all crushed like it got wrecked itself, but windows cracked in, paint torn up, doors dented and hanging off. Almost like...

"They were attacked," Magnus breathed. Now, this was interesting. Then he caught a flash out of the corner of his eye. He dove to the back, yelling "Duck!" just as the bullets crashed in through the window. Using his hulk to block Taako and Merle from the shattering glass, he inched them into a corner. Thankfully, the explosives and shit were all locked up and safe. The rush of adrenaline sent his brain racing, a near-manic smile growing on his face. Man, this brought him back to his Raven's Roost days. As their car shook from the impact, he turned to the other two boys. Usually, in this sort of situation, Magnus would have to deal with screaming victims. But Taako looked like he was having the same adrenaline high as Magnus was and Merle just looking determined. "So what's the plan?!" he shouted over the spray of bullets. Taako's eyes glinted dangerously, hands glowing ever so imperceptibly in the dark.

"Let's fuck shit up." He slipped out of the car before Magnus could blink. Magnus barrelled out of the car after him, yelling at him to wait, but then there was a clinking sound and shouting. Taako reappeared next to him, smirking as two icy figures shattered to the ground in front of them.

The other two people whirled on them, but before they could fully turn around, they were lost in a tangle of vines. Sensing someone behind him, Magnus grabbed the first thing he could out of the van and spun around. The ax went straight through the dude like a hot knife through... water, leaving him sliced nearly in half. Oh. He still wasn't quite used to having super-strength yet. When he turned back around, the people in the vines were strewn on the ground. There was silence for a moment, then something whizzed right by his face and straight into the snow, spluttering out. Magnus sighed and tossed the silver axe towards the source of the faulty missile. There was a yell, a thump, and then silence. For a second, the only sound was their panting hanging heavy in the night air.

"So," Taako wheezed out. "Are we looting, or what?"

They sorted through the wreckage, kicking the bodies haphazardly aside. Magnus clambered back from where he had thrown the ax. It was a good axe, shiny and tough, hard for even him to bend.

"You guys seem to have experience with combat," he started. Taako shrugged from where he was pushing around ice shards with his foot.

"I've picked some stuff up here and there." Merle was wiping off his glasses on one of the unconscious men's shirt.

"Same here, I guess. What about you, kid?" Magnus swallowed thickly. He saw the inside of a mask, the governer's face taunting him as he ran through the front lines, a masked woman running in beside him.

"Uh, well I--"

"Hey guys, I think I found something!" Magnus tried not to be so relieved as Taako ran over holding a few torn up pieces of paper. "Someone stole their Mapquest directions, I think. Jesus, who still uses Mapquest? Like, get a GPS or something." He tossed the dirty scraps at Magnus to investigate and sauntered off again. "Oh, also, I found the direction they took him in."

Merle frowned at the giant pathway through the woods.

"This sees a little... obvious." The trail of broken branches and shredded trees led over to the shady warehouse nearby. "We can all agree that they got kidnapped, right?"

"Yeup."

"No duh." They were silent again.

"So we should probably rescue him, right?"

"I don't know. Will we still get paid if he dies?"

"No, I don't think so." Taako sighed laboriously, pocketing the last wallet and heading back to the car.

"Alright, let's go."

---------------------------------------

The three of them, each with their own makeshift mask, stumbled down the hill. Merle looked a bit silly, all stout and half-covered by his mask. Magnus looked a bit better, the torn-up beanie and axe hanging off of his waist making him look less goofy and more dangerous. Taako definitely pulled it off the best, though. Somehow he had changed his whole outfit in the two minutes they took to prep, wearing something that was almost like a catsuit of sorts and a masquerade-esque mask that effectively covered his face and made him look great at the same time.

He was definitely better at sneaking than the other two were as well. Magnus was a hulking mass that couldn't help bumping into every rock and branch and tree, and Merle was just... loud. Taako seemed to slip between the shadows almost silently. Like, he was so good that Magnus wondered if he had two superpowers for a second. He was so good that Merle and him actually lost sight of him. Now they were just lost. Hey, after a while all the trees tend to look the same, you know? When he had finally decided to turn back, Taako's voice whispered from behind him.

"Hey idiots, I-- stop screaming Magnus, it's just me. I found a side entrance." They followed him off of the trail to what looked like a sewer entrance, the grate already turned into some sort of brittle caramel lattice. After a bit of sticky smashing, they slipped through the dripping tunnel. Dark, dank, everything you'd think a sewer would be. After what felt like hours, Taako finally grabbed them and pushed them against the wall, eyes wide.

"Hey!" Magnus yelled on instinct, oblivious to Taako's desperate shushing. There was a giant booming sound, and floodlights slammed onto where they were just standing. Someone yelled something in another language, maybe French? Taako clamped hands over both of his companions mouths, pressing them tighter against the wall. Then, to Magnus' surprise, he responded back in the same language. The other man sounded hostile at first, then a little confused. Taako just kept on talking on, wincing as the other man's voice grew hostile again. Then the man shouted something and there was the undeniable sound of running water.

"Shit shit shit shit get out of the way get out of the way get out of the way get out of the way--" Taako scrambled up the wall, softening bits up the wall for hand-holds. Magnus and Merle rushed back into the floodlights. There was a man sitting on an overpass over the normal sewer pathway, pointing the lights at the group. Taako scaled the wall up beside him, flicking him as he passed and turning part of his shoulder into ice.

"Taako, what's going o--" Magnus didn't see the wave coming until too late. He was swept back and thrown against the concrete wall, knocking his head against it with a dull thud. He kept his eyes and mouth closed as the murky water rushed by, a little swirling up into his nose. After a few crushing seconds, the pressure was gone and he was wet and limp against the floor. Coughing up the shitty water, he took a blind shot at the guy with a gun he knicked off of their previous assailants. There was a groan and a splash, so he could only assume he hit something vital. Merle was next to him, waxy leaves unfolding from around him as he slumped back against the wall.

"I'm all good! Don't worry about me!" Taako shouted from the overpass, perfectly dry. Magnus retched more sewer water out of his lungs.

-------------------------------------

After Taako shouted more French (French? Maybe French? Definitely French) up the way, he helped the other two up.

"I didn't know you knew French, Taako." His responding shrug was a little too nonchalant.

"I dabble. Hey, this way smells like they're cooking up some killer steak. Wanna go check it out?" He pointed over to the metal door that had the smell of something delicious wafting out of it. Taako peeked through a crack in the door, scanning the room. "Alright, here's the dealio. It's like a break room, you know? Someone's cooking something on the stove that smells really choice, and like, two of them are hanging with him. And on the other side of the room is two other goons with a beat-up dude that looks like Tom Arnold. I'm pretty sure that's the super sketch bodyguard Gundren hired, Barry or whatever. So. What's the plan?"

Long story short, the plan did not work. Well, most of the guys in the room were down, but this one jackass was holding a gun to Tom Arnold Dude's head and talking about some sketch negotiation. For a guy that claimed to have gone to Harvard, his plan was disappointingly transparent. Taako was still complaining about it as they walked out of the door, off to kill the dude's shitty boss, some guy named Klaarg.

Chapter Text

          Taako raced out of the room at full speed, followed by the sound of gunshots and the lingering smell of tea and dragging an unconscious Barry. He threw him at Magnus, who was currently playing with Klaarg’s dog.          

           “We needed to go, like, yesterday! Hurry your asses up!” Magnus hauled Merle and Barry over his shoulder and started to run, closely followed by Taako.

          “I thought it was going well!” Magnus shouted. Taako had elected himself ‘the only one with any sort of tact’ and insisted he went in alone. The Yeemick dude was merced in the other room by some more goons, and they had dragged Barry back to the other room, so they thought he was doing pretty okay.

          “It was!” Taako shouted back, adjusting his bulging pockets so the stuff spilling out of them wasn’t super obvious.

          They managed to make it out alright, hiding out in the woods with the help of Merle. As they waited out the last of the guards from behind the curtain of leaves, Magnus whirled on Taako.

          “What happened in there?”

          “Whatever, I found out what happened to Gundren,’ Taako breezed right past the question, sitting down next to Barry to begin reviving him. “Klaarg and the boys were contracted to kidnap him and arrange for his pickup by some thug named the Black Spider. No one knows much about him though, so there’s that.” Magnus sighed.

          “Aw man, he’s going to take forever to find. You really don’t know anything else?” As if on cue, Barry gasped awake just then.

          “I know where Gundren is.”

-

          The strange group settled on a popular bar in Phandalin. Thankfully, this budding metropolis had plenty of other weirdos, so no one paid attention to them as they collapsed in a corner booth. Barry was staring down his drink when Taako finally got impatient. He thought this was going to be a quick job, but now there are mafia bosses and kidnappings and all that boring shit.

          “So, you said you knew what happened to my paycheck, Barold?” Barry flinched at the nickname, then turned and began rustling through his backpack. After a few awkward minutes, he finally emerged with a few loose leaf papers and began arranging them on the table. It was the stolen MapQuest pages. Taako groaned.

          “Yup, exposition time!” Without another word, he deftly grabbed Merle’s hand, pricked his finger, then pressed the bleeding extremity to the page.

          “Hey! What the--” Before he could finish cussing the poor dude out, the papers began to hum and shimmer, seemingly melting together. The result was akin to a sleeker, thinner tablet, lines and letters tracing across the screen to form a map. “--fuck,” Merle finished weakly. Taako scoffed, over exaggerating just how unimpressed he was.

          “Okay, so the shitty fake GPS turns into fancy GPS, where’s the boss man?”

          “Taako!” Magnus chastises, but Barry simply frowned.

          “It’s not just ‘fancy GPS’. See, Gundren really does work for Phandalin weaponry, but he’s not just here to deliver some explosives. His father worked at this company as a scientist, a lot of promise too, but he dabbled in some sketchy shit. Apparently, some of his research was way too powerful, so he had to lock it away in the Wave Echo facility. He made it so that anyone who didn’t have access to quite a bit of his or a close relative's fresh DNA can’t get in. This pad just needs a single drop of blood and it’ll give you a map, a guide, and unlock a few doors. Thankfully, this Black Spider guy didn’t get it, but unfortunately, he got Gundren. And from what I heard, the weapons in there got the firepower of a couple nukes.” Magnus frowned, squaring his jaw.

          “That’s a lot of power that we can’t let fall into the wrong hands.” Barry coughed into his beer.

          “Uh, yeah. Also, it would destroy my career. I mean, who’d want to hire a bodyguard who’s last charge got kidnapped? That’s like going to a chef’s restaurant knowing that they poisoned the last customers.” Taako took an especially aggressive sip from his obnoxiously colored drink.

          “Since it’s so important to you, I’d think you were going with us, Barold.” The man let out a nervous laugh that was a bit weird coming from a supposed mercenary.

          “Well, uh, I’m beaten half to hell, so no. I’m going to finish my drink and then sleep forever, actually. And also,” he leaned across the table to shake his hand revealing a sensible pair of denim slacks, “It’s not Barold. It’s Barry. Barry Bluejeans.”

-

          After a nice little traveling montage, they arrived at an unassuming building a little ways out of town. It seemed pretty abandoned, bits crumbling with disuse here and there. Merle’s sour mood was only made worse when, just a few paces through the door, a corpse laid strewn on the ground.

          “Aw shit, is that… Fuck, it is. Tharden.” Even through his ridiculous mask, it was easy to tell that Merle was having trouble keeping a stiff upper lip. “Sorry guys, it-it’s just my cousin. Didn’t even like him much anyways.” As Magnus comforted him by the door, Taako slipped over to the body to search it for valuables. There wasn’t much on the poor man besides a pair of boots that, upon closer inspection, seemed to have been technologically enhanced. Taako slipped them to Magnus as they started through the building (“I’m not much of a cardio guy myself, you’ll get much better use of them,”). The next doorway led them down a narrow staircase. Merle frowned at Magnus’ feet.

          “Those new shoes? Looks like the pair I got Tharden for Christmas last year.” Magnus chuckled guiltily.

          “Uh, small world, huh?”

          After a lot of other adventure shenanigans including but not limited to: Jerk-Off hall, shrooms, another of Merle’s dead cousins, Taako robbing another corpse, elevators, and a four-hour-long Tunnel of Terrible Small Talk. At the end of this torture, they ended up in a cavernous sort of room, sweepingly tall ceiling draped with chains that apparently seemed to serve no other purpose other than a baller aesthetic. In the middle of the room there sat a giant contraption that looked like a mix between a woodchipper, the furnace from Home Alone, and a torture machine, rusting away in the corner. Across the room, a door atop a ledge was violently kicked open. A young woman barged through, holding a ridiculously big gun. She was heavy-set, thick ropes of muscle underneath her Kevlar get-up. Tan skin and black hair peeked out from behind her helmet and goggles. She looked down at the boys, already seeming annoyed.

          “Hail and well met!” Magnus shouted cheerily. Taako smacked his arm.

          “‘Hail and well met’? What are you doing, playing DnD?” The woman did not seem to find any of their antics amusing.

          “Aw shit. Uh, shut up for a quick second. I don’t really have time to kill you guys today, too busy saving the world, and I don’t like a lot of collateral damage. But I can’t have you guys messing up my mission, it’s, like, really important.” Taako enthusiastically raised his hand.

          “I say we put it to a vote! All in favor of not dying by this nice woman’s hand s--”

          “Are you here for the ASSHHHKXSRNKXXX ?” Her words were cut off by a sharp static noise that made their heads spin. A beat of silence.

          “Uh, no, we are not here for the shaxs-ruhn-kicks!” Merle said, almost proudly. She was not impressed.

          “The good news is I’m not going to kill you… directly. The bad news is I can’t have you following me so Louise is going to step in for a bit.” As she talked, she typed furiously on a little screen that sat atop her wrist. With a beep, a small silver laser shot out of it straight into the machine next to them. “Thank god that scrap heap was hackable,” she muttered as she left the room. Beside them, ‘Louise’ creaked and clattered a bit, little groaning noises, before a growl was ripped from its center and it sprang to life. Its jaw creaked open, revealing a hundred or so whirling blades all spinning and clattering and sparking threateningly. With a roar it began to chase them about the room, Hungry Hippo-style. The chains rattled across the ceiling, a few falling and narrowly missing the trio. Taako dodged a few, just to almost stumble into the jaws of Louise. He snapped.

          Diving across the room with surprising agility, he held out his already-glowing hands in front of him, bringing them together for a thunderous clap. Nothing happened for a moment. Then Louise was thrown against the wall with a violent crash, falling to the floor in a sputtering mess of gears. Magnus and Merle stared in awe, and Taako preened.

          “How did you do that?” Taako flipped his hair, way too smug.

          “Well, I just transmuted some of the air molecules around me, used the kinetic en--”

          “Okay, we get it, boring science junk. Now, to finish it off!” With the help of both his enhancement boots and powers, Magnus shot up to the ceiling almost effortlessly, grabbing chains. With a very unnecessary flip, he tossed the chains into the open mouth of Louise. Rusted metal grinded against steel, and Louise sputtered into silence. Then it gave horrid groan, and Magnus picked up a table as a makeshift shield just as the debris started flying from the resulting explosion. Magnus started to wrap the chains around his arms, something about it looking ‘cool’, and Taako started up to the door.

          “Uh, help?!” The woman’s voice echoed down the hall.

          “Eat a big’un!” Taako fired back without a thought.

          “Uh, really? Reall- I could actually use a hand, you guys!” Magnus, the last up the ladder, bounds down the hall. Merle sighs and waddles after him. Watching the two of them walk past, Taako just sits on the floor like a petulant child and primps in a little compact mirror.

          Magnus bursts into what seems like a trash room that hadn’t been used for a long time. The woman is tied to the wall adjacent to him, supremely miffed as a tall silhouette points something threateningly at her. In the middle of the room was a gaping hole that probably led to the furnace, on the edge of which Gundren laid looking very worse for wear. The silhouette turned to him, seemingly delighted.

          “Oh, vhat a fantastic development! Ve haff guests, my dear! How exciting!” That was weird enough for Taako to join the other two, racing in just as Merle finished his laborious walk over. As he walked in, the man stepped out from the shadows, revealing long, white hair, almost too much leather, and a draping dress with a white spider design across the front.

          “My good man, I can’t tell you amazing it is to finally meet someone that talks normally!” Taako drawls.

          “Oh, your voice is like a song!” the man coos. The other two looked between the pair, speechless. It was unnerving how alike the two sounded, barring the horrid affected accent that their foe had. “I suppose no introduction is necessary, as my reputation precedes me. Also my spider dress.” Blank stares. He sighed, aggressively pointing at the front of his shirt. “I’m ze Black Spider, dear.” Magnus gasped dramatically, and Taako rolled his eyes.

          “Thank you, darling. You can do whatever with that woman, but we kind of need Gundren, so if you could just give him back that would be ideal.” Taako punctuated that with a saucy wink that Black Spider reciprocated.

          “Of course, dear, I’ll just need a bit more of his blood, zat is all.” Merle violently shook his head at Taako from behind Black Spider’s back.

          “Uh, no offense, but that dude’s about to drop. Listen, Black Spi-- Ugh, is there any other handle you got? Black Spider doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.” He smiled borderline flirtatiously, mentally screaming at the other two boys not to screw this up.

          “Brian vith an I, dear. Now, I’ve been vundering this for a bit… How, exactly, ze fuck did you learn about zis cave?”

          “Well, it all started when I was on Craigslist--”

          “Vell, zat’s utter bullshit. I zink you are here for ze SSHHXXSRNKXX.” The static rang out again, scratching in the back of their skulls. Taako rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on.

          “Brian, dear, can you explain why we’re just hearing st--”

          “Screw the kshrxks! I want my cousin!” Without another word, Magnus and Merle both dive at the man, who grabs a green remote from his pocket and presses an ominous red button. In a cloud of smoke, a tangle of gunmetal black joints unfold and fold on themselves, blooming into a giant, mechanical spider. Magnus steps back the smallest bit.

          “Uh, did I mention that I’m not the best with spiders?” Magnus’ voice cracks embarrassingly as the creature loomed over him.

          With a defeated sigh, Taako walks over to where the woman is tied up and turns the rope into a paper chain.

          “So, what’s your name?” The woman bursts out of the chains with a roar.

          “Killian. You dumbos have powers? I haven’t seen you on the KSHKXXKS .” Taako stared blankly at her for a second. “Never mind. Now, give me something to bash in that black spider?” Taako looks up in alarm.

          “Do you mean the black spider or the Black Spider? Actually, just call the human one Brian!” As he yells Brian, the mechanical spider turns toward him, cocking its head almost curiously.

          “Did I mention his name is Bryan vith a Y?” Taako lets out a frustrated groan. Killian is already typing frantically on her wrist-screen, pointing it around the empty room. Finally, one of the beams catches in a small crack in the wall. A tremendous banging sound rings out from behind the metal panel, but it holds fast.

          Taako was on the other side of the room, firing little beams of light out of his fingertips and desperately thinking of how to make them less… well, pathetic. Human Brian laughed as they fizzled on his armor harmlessly, pulling out an obnoxiously large taser gun.

          “Powers, hm? Very interesting dear, but I zink zis is vhat you are trying to do.” Taako doesn’t dodge out of the way quite fast enough, and the bolts catch him in the shoulder and send him flying into a limp heap on the floor. Across the room, Magnus wasn’t faring much better. The spider skittered towards him, and his fear-heavy limbs didn’t move quick enough to keep his arm out of the spider’s jaw. Bryan loomed over Magnus, mechanical jaws clacking threateningly far too close for comfort.

          “By the hoary hordes of Hogarth!” From across the room, Merle threw his hand out to where the metal panel was, guiding the vines twisting around him to pry it off of the wall. Not a second after he had done that, something that looked like a bipedal tractor with jackhammers for arms charged right out and straight through Bryan, sending them both flying into the furnace pit. The furnace wasn’t in use, but the fall was long enough that once they reached the bottom the two were indistinguishable in the mess.

          “No! Brian-vith-a-Y! He vas my favorite spider boy!” Brian wailed. Merle looked around for Killian, but she was already gone, searching for her weaponry. Magnus, in the meantime, was working to waken Taako. His eyes fluttered open after a few harsh slaps, and there was only a moment where he stared blearily up at his friend before he was batting away at his hands and holding his own glowing one to his wound. There was an uncomfortable squelching noise, but Taako’s wound scabbed over before smoothing out, and he sat up with bright eyes.

          “Let’s hope I didn’t turn any important bodily fluids into adrenaline. Now, for you.” He turned on the distraught Brian, eyes gleaming dangerously as he furiously rubbed his hands together. “I must thank you for using that lovely little gun of yours. It gave me just the insight I needed to figure out how to do this.” His hands were glowing furiously now, energy crackling in the air around him and blowing his hair and robe back dramatically.

          “Do vhat?” Taako stood back, pointing one radiant finger gun almost lazily at the man.

          “Abra-ca-FUCK- YOU !” A burst of light shot from his hand and hit Brian straight in the chest, sending him flying back and burning the front of his shirt until the spider insignia was indistinguishable. Taako smirked, eyes half-lidded and gleeful.

          “Now, vas that really original?” Brian wheezed out. Taako didn’t look up from where he was smugly picking at his nails.

          “Oh, were you waiting for me? Sorry darling, I already said my one cool thing.” Brian gave the three of them a bloody smile.

          “Vell, it seems as if I haff vone more trick up my sle--” Magnus nudged the weakened man into the furnace pit beside him and went to join Merle, who was tending to his cousin’s wounds. “Oh noooo! You’ve solved my final riddle! You are ze true riddle masters!” They all ignored the man as his voice slowly faded. “You haff proven yourselves… qvite ze adventurers... “ There was a sickening crack, then a groan echoed weakly from the bottom of the pit. “Oh, I haff landed on Brian… Brian, I’m so proud of zem…” Without even looking, Taako snapped his fingers and sent another bolt down the pit, which was followed by another groan. “Zat’s very bad news…” And with that, the man gave up the ghost.

          Killian then returned, clutching her gun protectively. She stared in awe at the wreckage of their fight.

          “Wow. You guys, like, actually pulled it off. No joke, I am flabbergasted that we have not all perished by horrid causes yet.” She fiddled a bit with her boots, which hissed and picked her up a bit off the ground, then jumped down the pit. “I have to, uh, retrieve some stuff, so stay put, but wow . Like, amazing competence, you guys!” As she disappeared down the pit, a bedraggled Gundren slowly got to his feet.

          “Where’s Barry?” he grumbled. Merle helped him steady himself.

          “Back at a bar in Phandalin. Something about buffalo wings. Now, care to tell us what the hell is going on?” Gundren ignored him and started off to where the metal panel was ripped out of the wall. As the boys followed him, they found what seemed to be a secret passage tucked away behind it. Down yet another corridor, there was another cavernous room, empty besides the giant safe door on the other side. Merle and Gundren went straight to it.

          “So, uh, powers, huh?”

          “Yup. Crazy, right?”

          “Sure, sure. What’s with the dumb masks? I mean, the other two look fine, actually, you just look stupid.”

          “Wow, thanks. Uh, ran into some… riskier trouble a bit back.” The two cousins made small talk as they examined the safe’s mechanics. Taako, glancing around the room, realized it wasn’t as empty as it first seemed.

          There was a figure slumped against the far wall, draped in a red costume, the handle of a cane peeking out between skeletal hands. The wood was carved into the shape of a bird’s head, one with sleek feathers and fiery eyes. Merle was the next to see it, waddling over and grabbing it all foolhardy-like.

          Magnus barely had time to get annoyed (“Rushing in is my thing!”) before there was a flash and Merle was on the other side of the room, the smell of smoke lingering in all their mouths. Magnus rushed to help his friend up, but Taako stayed by the corpse. Usually, he would wave it off and call it a day, not his problem and all, but there was… something. His palms were itching again, like when he met Magnus and Merle, but that wasn’t it. Seeing it made his whole world make sense and go static at the same time. Like it filled in the gaps of a puzzle when he thought he already had the whole picture. So he reached out and grabbed it.

          Everything went white. Everyone in the room was pushed back by an indistinguishable force that burned the back of their throats. Taako felt powerful , felt that something course through his veins. And then it abruptly stopped, and he was holding an umbrella over his head. Nice material, black with little golden designs tracing across, golden charms hanging off the edges.

          “It would match much better if it was purple,” he muttered to himself. But as he reached a glowing hand to change it, he suddenly felt uncomfortably warm. It was almost like the black of the umbrella was sucking the light out from under his skin. Beside him, the corpse crumbled into a pile of dust, and a hollow feeling panged in his chest.

          “What was that-- with the umbrella and the-- You guys are crazy, man!” Taako swallowed the lump in his throat and replaced his mask of indifference.

          “Well, yes. This is how we do. “ Gundren sighs, a bit defeated.

          “I suppose you guys deserve some answers, huh?” Magnus pulled himself up to his full six-and-a-half feet, looking quite intimidating.

          “Damn right we do. And don’t try any funny business either,” Magnus growled.

          “Well, I don’t think I could. Not with fuckin’, Polygraph Merle over here.” He jabbed a finger at Merle, who was currently retying the flowers in his hair. Taako snorted, and Merle slowly turned to him. He fixed the poor dude with a hard stare that didn’t match his otherwise friendly countenance, and after a few seconds of fidgeting Taako burst.

          “I stole shit! So much shit! Klaarg’s lair, your dead cousins, Magnus’ shoes are Tharden’s I stole them!” Merle turned around, a sympathetic look on his face.

          “Oh, uh, I almost forgot to tell you. Tharden’s dead. So is Nundro.”

          “I don’t care, they were morons anyways,” he muttered darkly. Merle froze. “You wanted those answers, right? Well, here they are. When I was first born, this town was overrun by some government bogeys looking to get rich. My father was getting in the way of that, so when they found out about the work he was doing, they jumped on it. They knew if they ratted him out, the government would undoubtedly take all his hard work for their own and they would get all the credit. So he went dark, locked himself in this hidden lab to save his work.” As he talked, a manic smile grew on his face. “This lab contains my father’s work. All of it. I can finally give my father the respect he deserved for his work! Tharden and Nundro are dead, huh? Well, then that means we are the last living people that can get in this safe, Merle! We can save my father’s legacy!”

          With that, he sliced across his palm and slammed it onto the safe. Gears started turning across the wall, and with a heavy groan, the door swung open. It was pitch black.

          Something wasn’t right.

          “Anyone got a light?” Merle’s hand snaked with bioluminescent vines, providing a soft green glow to the room. Taako bent down, tapping at his reflection on the floor.

          “Pure black glass.” As he stood up, he realized the room was completely empty, save for a single figure in the corner. He was charred, a little taller than Gundren, but undeniably similar in looks. He was bent over something in the corner, arms held out as if he was carrying something. Gundren looked around frantically.

          “No, no, no, no !! What is this? Wh-Where is everything?” He finally noticed the figure, and, rushing up to it, froze.

          “That’s him. That’s my pops right there. Oh god, what happened ?” There was the sound of something breaking, and they all turned to the doorway.

          “What. Did. I. Tell . You.” Black glass crunched under her boots as she walked toward the trio. “I was gone for like, a minute and a half! Tops! Why did you not listen to me ?” Gundren watched her warily from the corner.

          “Are you guys here with this filthy government bogey ?” Taako and Magnus both stepped back a bit, making various offended noises, but Killian just squared herself.

          “Did you just call me filthy, dude?”

          “Everything here is my birthright and I need you to get out .”

          “Listen, I’ve had a really long day, I got tied up in the other room, so let me give you some advice. Don’t. Test. Me.”

          “Boys, you’ve done a real god job today, but I’ll need one more thing. Take her out.” Killian drew up her gun, holding a defensive stance.

          “Hold up! No one’s taking out anybody!” Magnus stood between the two, holding his arms out defensively. “Gundren, what do you know about what happened here?”

          “Nothing, but I--”

          “Killian, do you know?”

          “I have a pretty good goddamn idea, yeah.” She still didn’t move, training her gun on Gundren. “Everyone step away. Gundren, calm down .” The man in question stepped back, grazing his father’s charred body with a single hand. Suddenly, a gruff voice echoed through the chamber.

          “Gundren. If you are hearing this, that means you have found my lab. It also means that I have perished. You are probably wondering where my life’s work is, as this room is empty. My life’s work is you, son. You contain powers so unbelievable that I could not give you up. I had to send you away, you were just a baby and you could not control anything. But you can control it now, I’m sure. Find the fire in yourself, child. Make me proud.” The room went silent. Gundren looked down at his hands.

          The air around him began to shimmer with heat, his veins glowing warm. Killian drew up her gun again.

          “Gundren. Stop now. I know people that can help you.”

          “ I don’t need to be helped! ” The air around him crackled as he burst into flames, eyes rolling into the back of his head. “ This power is MINE! ” Killian fired a few shots into the fiery figure, grabbing the boys.

          “Everyone, we need to go--” They were all thrown down by an overwhelming wave of heat as Gundren flew above them and straight through the walls of the facility. The group was left smoldering, Magnus with the worst of it. While his friends helped him up, Killian looked out to where Gundren escaped. “Well, welcome to the worst case scenario, guys.”

          “I almost ha--”

          “Listen.” Killian got up, and none of them really appreciated how intimidating she was until she rose to her full height. “I have to stop him before he destroys the whole world. I know this is way above your pay grade, but you guys seem to be the best chance I’ve got at stopping him. Are you down?” Taako sighed as obnoxiously as he could.

          “Fine. Whatever.”

-

          Thankfully, Gundren had left a horrid burnt scar on the earth wherever he flew, so it was pretty easy to follow in Killian’s super sweet armored SUV. The trail was short, led them right back to Phandalin, and with a bit of speeding they got there in about an hour. The trail led straight through town, where people were already running and screaming from the burning bar. Screaming civilians swarmed the streets, and they saw a slightly charred Barry Bluejeans come stumbling out of the building.

          “How are you guys not dead ? Have you seen Gundren?” Killian had Magnus in a headlock to ensure he wouldn’t rush in.

          “This dude’s right. If we fight him now, we’ll lose. That’s just a given. We need him to calm down to I can take him to the private authorities. Do you think you guys can do that?” She didn’t wait for them to answer before she was typing something on her wrist. “You do that while I take care of the civilians. I need to disable their communication to outside this town to contain the situation.” The moment she turned her back, Magnus was pulling out his axe. The moment he unsheathed it, Gundren was bursting out of the building in a haze of smoke and flame.

          “ Why would you attack me? I can finally show those slimy government dipshits exactly who they’re messing with! ”

          “Gundren, Listen! You can’t control this! Look at yourself, this isn’t like you!” Magnus tries, still gripping his axe. That seemed to just feed Gundren’s fire. Oh god did that sound like an innuendo.

          “ You don’t know what I’m like!”

          “I do.” Merle walks out from where he was hiding, pulling off his mask. “Your old cousin Merle knows you. Gundren, remember those Christmases at Aunt Blarg’s house? Drinking mulled wine.”

          “I miss her so much.” Gundren’s flames seem to die down just a a bit, dampening as he looks wistfully at Merle.

          “She was a good woman,” Merle soothes.

          “She was a good woman… UNTIL SHE WAS KILLED BY THOSE GOVERNMENT ASS-- ”

          “No she wasn’t! You and I both know it was a car accident! You just wanted someone to blame!” Gundren was burning up again, the flames licking at his own skin now, which was starting to sear and turn red. Merle’s face softened into something sadder. “Do you think she wanted this, Gundre? Would she want you to kill all these innocent people and burn yourself up doing it? I don’t think so. She loved you a lot, Gundren.” The fire started to die down, air turning a bit cooler.

          “I’m tired, Merle. It… it hurts.” His voice was weary, cracking under the weight of his wounds.

          “Don’t you think it would feel a lot better if you got a little rest? Just calm down for me, Gundren, it’ll be okay.” Merle was so busy comforting his simmering cousin that he didn’t notice Barry sneaking up on him until it was too late.

          “I got him!” Barry pounced on Gundren, holding him in a headlock. “Killian, now!” Gundren threw him off, sending him crashing into the next building before exploding into flames. The heat was suffocating, burning at their faces and roaring with a terrible noise. He wasn’t even humanoid anymore, just a swarm of pure light and heat so overpowering that it seemed to suck the oxygen right out of your lungs.

          “Oh shit. Uh, follow me!” Killian screamed, grabbing the closest hand near her and sprinting to the old well they hadn’t gotten around to tearing out yet. Taako was running after her when he noticed the other two were still behind. Merle stared into the flames where his cousin was just standing, shell-shocked. Magnus was next to him, staring up at the wall of fire defiantly.

          “Magnus… we should go now,” Merle breathed, staring blankly into the fiery light. Magnus just widened his stance.

          “I can’t let all these people die!” Was what he yelled before he rushed into the nearest burning building, using the mask on his head as a shitty attempt at filtration. Merle sighed and ran into another one, conjuring up a variation of some fire-resistant plants to curl into the buildings.

          Then the fire started to get really bad, singing at their hair and growing too hot to breathe near at all . Taako broke away from where Killian was hauling him into the well and ran back to where the fire was raging, searching for his friends.

          “Magnus! Merle! Where are you, you idiots!” He spotted them charging out of a building, half-dead, carrying another group out of the fire. Taako grabbed them, pulling them with surprising strength into the well Killian jumped down. A final wave of forced pushed them in, and as they fell down they saw fire streak across the sky above them with a horrifying bellow. Then they hit the bottom of the well, crashing into Killian and her padding at full speed. There they laid, bruised and singed at the bottom of the old well, embers raining down on them from above.

          “So, here we are,” Magnus grumbled, shifting so he wasn’t sitting on Killian anymore. Taako was sprawled out on top of him, Merle collapsed on his chest. “Boys, I think we kind of suck at this.” Taako snorted, and that seemed to break the tension laying heavy in the air. They all burst out laughing, delirious and in pain.

          “Magnus, can you climb this cobblestone?” Magnus was already tying rope around the four of them and attaching it to his back.

          “Of course I can,” he snorted, and began scaling the wall. Taako tied the rope Magnus was holding under himself like a little swing, and Merle just let himself dangle from the waist. “Uh, when I said I could carry all of you, I thought you guys would try to help out a little .”

          “Come on, isn’t your thing strength, big guy?” Taako asked, admiring the silver bracer on Killian’s forearm. It had a strange symbol on it, but it looked expensive. Wasn’t coming off, though.

          “It doesn’t matter anyways, we’re already at the to--” Magnus froze as he looked out of the top, hands slipping on the edge. Taako scrambled onto the wall with a jolt. “There’s nothing left.”

          “Look, I’ve had to leave towns before, it’s never unfixable. We’ll just take up a collection with some suckers an--” Taako stopped short as he stared at the scene before us. The three of them pulled themselves up, surveying the scene before them.

          Where Phandalin once was, there was just a perfect circle of pure black glass.

          A charred figure stood in the center of it, arm raised high and still smoldering just a bit. The atmosphere was completely blanketed with smoke, the smell laying bitter in the air. Stray embers floated through the reddened sky, glowing softly like some bloodied rendition of the night sky. They collapsed on the black glass, warmth still radiating off of it. The scene was beautiful in the most horrible way, the dying ember of a budding town. There was stirring beside them, and Killian sat up, surveying the scene with grim disappointment.

          “So I take it we didn’t save Phandalin?” The three boys turned to her. Magnus stood up eyes blazing as he held her weapon above her. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to need my gun.”

          “And I’m pretty sure that we could have done a lot more for Phandalin if we had known what the fuck was going on!”

          “I can’t! I literally cannot tell you anything! Fine! You want the truth? Here! SKKRKXKKKKSHHHHSKXXXKKK !” The static cut through the silence like a rusted chainsaw, ripping an ugly noise out of the pensive silence. She caught Gundren out of the corner of her eye, and they went wide. “Wait. Fucking… Your powers.”

          “Yes, it’s all very X-Men, what about them?” She gestured around herself.

          “You guys aren’t on the KSHXKSS , and yet you haven’t gone… well, you haven’t destroyed any cities, is what I’m saying. Okay, stay here, I need to tell KSSHKSSX about this.” She plinked a bit away, fumbling with her phone. “Oh, uh, what’s your… group name? Like, the Justice League, the Avengers, what?”

-

          A woman was standing in her office, gazing out of the window and down on the earth. I haven’t checked up on them lately, I should try to reach out. There was a bright pinprick on one of the continents, then a small black circle. She sighed, looking much more tired than she would ever allow herself to be in public. She waited for a few minutes, then picked up her ringing phone.

          “What happened down there, Killian?”

          “We have all the powered people logged on the list, correct?”

          “Yes, what is it?”

          “What do we know about a vigilante group named… Tres Horny Boys?” The phone clattered to the floor. “Boss? Boss?”

          Lucretia pressed her lips together with a teary smile. Those idiots.

Chapter Text

           The ‘Tres Horny Bois’ were, admittedly, a little strange.

           When they destroyed a city, and they didn’t blink twice. Killian summoned a jet plane with her pretty bracelet, they couldn’t bring themselves to act surprised. When a nice dude in the front introduced himself as Avi and took a frighteningly conspicuous swig from his flask, they were only faintly nervous. But when the plane didn’t stop gaining speed, and didn’t stop gaining height, followed by a dizzying moment of darkness before they woke up in a white chamber and, oh, they’re in space?

           Let’s just say that it was a good thing they supplied barf bags.

           After the the boys finished vomiting with the help of Avi and his flask, they were brought out of the hangar into what seemed to be a quad. It was beautiful, patches of green grass interspersed with little pathways and giant domed buildings. The walls were covered in giant windows showing off the expanse of stars outside just to hammer in the fact they were in space. When Killian finally brought them into one of the buildings and into an elevator, the small space and tinny jazz was almost a relief in how familiar it was. There was a man in there with them, curly hair and eyeliner, dressed like a K-pop star, carrying a load of what looked like compositions and a violin. As wigged out as they were, Magnus’ constant extroverted tendencies won out.

           “Hello! I’m Magnus, these are my friends Taako and Merle!” The man looked at him tiredly, before sighing and reluctantly taking his hand.

           “I’m Johann. You must be the new recruits.” His voice was cartoonishly droopy and despondent. After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Magnus piped up again.

           “So, what’s your job here, Johann?” The man sighed at the question. He seemed to sigh a lot.

           “Nothing much. I’m just like, the best musician ever.” Before any of the boys could remark on his modesty, the elevator dinged and the doors slid open. “First floor, menswear. Just kidding.” The hall was lined with people in suits, all of which Johann ignored. The boys followed him to the only door at the end of the hall, guarded by the burliest looking of the guards.

           It opened into a small-ish room, dark paneling and wiring covering the wall. In the center of the room there was a giant smudge of static, worse than the other ones. It was loud and protruded into their brains in a way that exacerbated any residual nausea from the jet. As the boys stumbled around, Johann just disappeared into the static, which was followed by the sound of clacking keys. Finally, he looked up at the trio.

           “Okay, feeding time’s over. Just kidding. You guys ready for stuff to get weird?” From under the terrible migraine column of death, he brought a small tray. Three syringes were laid out onto it, each filled with a weird black liquid, suspiciously… glittery? “This isn’t going to be very fun, but I gotta warn you guys. Once you do this, there’s no going back.”

           Magnus was already holding the syringe up to his arm, jabbing it in. Before anyone could say anything, the syringe was clattering to the floor and Magnus was frozen, face blank. For almost half a minute he stood there, eyes wide.

           “Oh my god, you guys. I can remember everything .” With far more caution than Magnus exhibited, Merle and Taako injected themselves. Two more syringes clattered to the floor.

           Killian was asking them if they were there for   The Phoenix Fire Ember. Human Brian was accusing them of being here on the orders of the Bureau of Balance. Even before that, months and years before that, they remembered a war. A war that no one ever knew what really started, one of carnage and blood that seemed like something you could never really forget. It was the kind of war where everyone lost someone. And then, in the middle of the room. In a glass chamber, there was what seemed to be a row of supercomputers, arranged to twist around the center of the room in a column that stretched up all the way to the top of the vaulted ceiling. Neon purple and blue flashed across the machines as they whirred, connecting it with little transparent wires that blinked with lights. The uncomfortable feeling disappeared with their revelations, leaving their heads inexplicably clearer.

           “You guys… good? Uh, Bureau of Balance. You guys hear that fine?” Johann asked, picking up the syringes and dumping them behind some desk.

           “All good, my man!” Taako said cheerily.

           “My god, this is like a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream,” Merle murmured.

           “Cool, cool, swee-- What are you doing?” Magnus was kneeling in front of the supercomputers. “Plea-- Please stop, just, what are  you doing?”

           “Bowing to your weird computer god.”

           “It’s no-- God, it’s not a god.”  Johann looked way too tired for this. “Listen, we call it the Void. We don’t really know what it is, or where it like, came from, but it’s like this memory warping machine. Except it doesn’t seem to run on power or anything, but, like, information . And when you put it in it just sort of… well, erases it. Unless, of course, you inject yourself with this chemical that messes with your brain and makes it cancel the signal.  My job is to keep it running by feeding it my compositions, or… whatever.” He seemed to get even more bummed out, retreating back to a desk in the corner. “You guys should probably go see the Director.”

           As they walked out the door, they passed by a man carrying what appeared to be a sheet of paper with a bunch of statistics on it. In bold, they saw the words PHANDALIN and GUNDREN ROCKSEEKER and BRIAN AND BRYAN printed out.

-

           The Director was intimidating, to say the least.

           They had entered the conference room to find her sitting at the head of a long, empty table. A window to her right showed off a gorgeous view of the earth below, the dark black standing out in the perfectly white room. The woman herself sat with all the grace of an ancient queen, lines on her face giving her a dignified look of experience. She had dark skin to contrast her stark white hair curling close to her scalp, and was clad in a silvery blue suit. A white oak staff with a twisted head leaned against the chair.

           “Welcome, to the Bureau of Balance.” Her voice oozed gravitas. “Here, we pride ourselves in dealing with any of the numerous anomalies of the planet with absolute secrecy and precision. We take special care to record each and every one of the powered people on earth. So, when one of my top agents reported three, powerful, sane powered people we have never heard of before, I was curious.” She pulled a few files out from under the table. “Magnus Burnsides, Merle Hitower Highchurch, erm, Taako , we inexplicably have no records of any of you being powered. Would you like to explain?”

           The propeller spins, yadda yadda yadda. On with the plot. “Hm. Very interesting. It seems that you three had a very rare case of latent powers. That amount of unused potential coming together must have sparked a reaction of some sort… very interesting. And the amount of control you have, so incredible. See, most of the people here have mild powers, like Killian with her strength enhancement, or Avi with his telescopic sight, or Johann with his sound-manipulation. Any and all other people with powers more extreme than that have gone mad. But you three… Definitely people we would be interested in working with.” The three exchanged looks.

           “You offering us a gig?”

           “I suppose that is exactly what I’m doing. Don’t worry, you’ll be paid handsomely and--” She stood up, surprisingly tall. “Well, before we get any farther, I would like the fragment, please.” The trio looked amongst themselves.

           “The… what?” As Taako said the words, something rattled warm in one of his many pockets. As he opened it, he saw what looked like a silver ember burning in his pocket. Except, it didn’t seem to be burning anything, or fading out.

           “Not all people get their powers naturally, you know. I suppose it flew to you after Gundren perished. Davenport!” A small-ish man in a nice suit with a twisty orange mustache came in, rolling in a cart with one covered platter and one empty one on it. “I’m impressed with you. Usually, if anyone gets that close, the thrall is too much for them. But you don’t seem affected at all.” Before Taako could reach into his pocket, Magnus held up a hand.

           “Wait, why should we give you this thing? How do we know you aren’t going to use it, like Gundren?” Taako gave a strained laugh.

           “They’re paying us , Magnus.” he whispered through clenched teeth. The Director just chuckled.

           “No, no, that’s a good concern. I assure you, the Bureau’s only intent is to destroy such things. I will tell you everything, I promise, but destroying the Phoenix Fire is our top priority. You can watch, if you like.” Magnus, who rolled high on perception, was sufficiently convinced. Taako plucked the ember up, feeling the heat burn at his fingers as he dropped it on one of the trays. “Pay the men for their hard work, please.”

           “Davenport, Davenport!” The man chimed happily, before uncovering the other platter. It had a slip of paper on it, a check.

           A very, very big check.

           Merle didn’t hold back his gleeful chuckle as he pocketed it. Magnus, ever the socialite, grinned at the Director.

           “What should we call you?” Something flashed across her face, but it was gone as soon as it came.

           “Madam Director is fine. Now, would you like to watch the destruction of the fragment or…”

           “Yes, please.” They followed the Director as she led them down a passage behind her into what seemed to be a viewing chamber. Behind the glass, they could see Davenport sweep the ember into a sphere in the middle of the room, then leave to a control room behind it. “So, is he like a Pokemon? Can he only say his own name?” The look he got from the Director haunts him to this day.

           There was a bright flash of light, and high-pitched whirring sound, then the sphere opened, empty save for an ashy powder at the bottom. After a few moments of silence, the Director turned to them.

           “So, you wanted to know about the Bureau?”

-

           The Director’s office was unsurprisingly orderly, papers in a neat stack on her desk, floor and walls free of dust. Behind her, there was a portrait of herself, which seemed a little narcissistic, but whatever.

           “The Bureau of Balance was created when the wars had reached a disastrous peak. After I discovered the Void, I realized what a chance I had. See, not many people knew this, but the wars were caused by a band of powered people that refused to limit themselves. In the discovery of their powers, they created seven, uh, well, we call them fragments. They are little sparks of power that can give its wielder unimaginable powers. And with power like that, world conflict was only inevitable. At the cost of, well, their control. With the Void, I erased all knowledge of the wars, and the fragments, and the guild of powereds, who we called the Red Robes for their uniform.” Taako clutched the handle of his umbrella nervously. “This organization’s sole purpose is to find the seven fragments and destroy them. And the thing is, you three are the first to succeed.” Taako opened his mouth, but the Director cut him off. “We’ve been operational for less than a year, so I’d stop right there, Taako. You guys are good, but not good enough to get away with that with your jobs.” His jaw shut with an audible click. “We’ve sent operatives down there to retrieve them before, but the thrall of it was always too strong and someone ends up getting… well, let’s just say that Brian worked here once.” There was a moment of silence as they all tried their best to ignore the wedding invitation the Director was throwing into the waste bin. “The only other person we found not immediately drawn to the fragments besides you three is Davenport and, well, I’m sure you can see he’s not fit for any field work.”

           “So, when do we start? Do we get those cool SWAT outfits or what?” Merle asked. The Director smiled.

           “Actually, circumstances are a bit different with you. What we usually do is erase Bureau workers using the Void and house them up here, but that comes with… challenges, to say the least. Trying to save the world is only made more complicated with having to keep unseen, and Johann can only compose so much, talented or not. We’ve already erased the Phandalin issue, but, well, you three were filmed. You’re, how do you say it? Trending?” Taako already had his phone out, scrolling through social media. Videos of the three of them (masked, of course) saving the people, using their powers , were blowing up everywhere.

           “Oh, thank god I have the gift that is my visage, or I would look like those sweaty bozos-- Wait, you aren’t erasing this?” Headlines were screaming: SUPERPOWERS: ARE THEY REAL? The majority of them were skeptics, but the makings of a smile crept onto the Director’s face.

           “We won’t have an opportunity like this again. How would you boys like to be superheroes?”

Chapter Text

          Taako really didn’t know how he got here. Well, he did, but it was all so stupid he could barely wrap his head around it. First, while trying to find his first apartment he got stuck with two clowns because apparently, he has superpowers . Then, at the first job he gets, it turns out his boss had superpowers, which is just great . And then , to put the cherry on the fucking cake, it turns out that someone videotaped them with superpowers, and now some crazy moon organization wants him to be a superhero, and then there’s a giant check in front of him, and then of course he has to say yes because it would be stupid not to. Then they get the bracer-thing Killian used to summon the jet-thing, and then they get these cool-ass weapons from this idiot with a gachapon machine ? And there’s apparently a Costco on the moon base? Because why the fuck not, right?

          There was a press conference that Taako nailed, natch, and the making of superhero costumes and names and such, easy shit. (He was Flip Wizard. Obviously.) Now, wouldn’t it make sense for them to just live on the satellite space-thing? It’s not like they didn’t have room, they deffo had dorms. But the Director just sighed and said something about how it would be easier for them to just stay on earth, how jet fuel doesn’t grow on trees, Taako , and then sent them up with a cover story in the form of an apartment over a dusty old antique store in the nicer side of town. Then she sent some druggie idiot that was apparently part of the Bureau to act as their ‘roommate’ and ‘keep a watch over them’, which Taako personally found quite insulting.

          And that’s how he ended up pacing around the empty storefronts at eleven at night, the endless row of darkened windows and streetlamps only broken by the occasional flicker of a Seven Eleven or the distant drunken singing of a few partygoers. As he walked, he absentmindedly fiddled with a small beaded bracelet in his hand, barely thinking as he turned it to candy and popped it in his mouth. Just him and the vacant streets and the faint smell of peppermint an--

          “FUCK!” Okay, so maybe I should’ve tied my shoelaces , was all he could think before he was sent sprawling forward. But before he could quite hit the ground, he was steadied by a strong pair of arms.

          “Woah there, you alright?” Taako steadied himself, wiping some of the peppermint-drool from the corner of his mouth, and… oh no.

          Staring back at him was a tall, dark-skinned man, dreads slipping out from the loose ponytail they were thrown in. He was stunning . Taako swallowed the last of his peppermint and tried at his best dazzling smile.

          “Just fine, my dude. Nice catch, by the way.” The man laughed nervously.

          “Uh, thanks. Nice to meet you,” he said in a smooth cockney accent, sticking his hand out. “I own the atrium in the mall.” Taako took the hand in his, begging to whatever god was up there this dude wouldn’t look at the shitty sneakers he had bought for walking.  

          “I’m Taako, darling. And what’s your name?” The man smiled his brilliant smile.

          “Kravitz.”

-

          Magnus really wished that everyone would stop talking about this.

          He sat at the register in the back of the antique store, bored out of his mind . He supposed that it was a good thing that it was empty, but stilllll …

          Merle had skipped out on him, no explanation at all. And Taako, who was supposed to be doing the shift with him , had left two minutes in, mumbling something about the mall and birds? Magnus really wasn’t in the mood to be alone with his thoughts right now, was the thing, so he had pulled out his phone to scroll through.

          And if he had forgotten they were superheroes, he sure fucking remembered now . His face in that bear mask was plastered across every media page in every crevice of the internet, some he really never wanted to explore. He winced at the footage of himself lifting the table full of very important people above his head being replayed twenty times, plus the added effect of twenty different awkward zooms and a thousand air horn sounds dubbed over. Aw, fuck. What was I thinking?

          Giving up, he set his phone down just in time to finally see the smallish, Asian woman who had entered the shop. He was so bored he didn’t even try to consider why the bell attached to the front door hadn’t rung when she walked in, just striding over in all his friendly glory.

          “Hello, miss, how can I help you?” She was all lean muscle, like she did gymnastics or something. Her arms and back were plastered by a cool-ass tattoo of a dragon, and her hair was shaved away into a spiky undercut, dyed a light blue. She flashed the silver bracelet on her wrist at him, the Bureau bracer, before walking back around to behind the counter.

          “You’re Magnus Burnsides, right? I’m Carey Fangbattle, and I’m bored as shit. Decided to visit planetside for a while.”

          “Where’ve I heard that name before? It sounds pretty familiar.” She sighed, digging out her phone from her pocket and showing an album cover of a guy that looked kind of like her playing guitar, backed by a posh-looking dude on bass and some long haired guy on drums.

          “The Hogsbottom Three sound familiar? My brother, Scales, it’s his band he has with two of his buddies.” She sat down on one of the chairs, resting her face on her hand. “So you’re like, a superhero?” He slumped down onto his chair.

          “I mean, I guess? Could we not talk about this? I just spent three hours scrolling through, uh, thirst posts ?” She snorted, picking something off of the table to examine it.

          “Don’t sound too excited about it.”

          “No, I mean, I’ve been dreaming about being a hero and protecting people for basically ever. It’s just…” He fumbles with his phone for a few seconds, then holds up the screen to her face.

          “I would let I’Morko f*** me so hard my entire body would flip inside out and I would thank hi-- okay that one’s not so bad?” He shook his head grimly.

          “The one below that one.” Her eyes scanned down a little bit, went wide, and then she was throwing herself backward, face wrinkled up.

          “Okay, yep, that one’s, uh, that one’s pretty bad, I admit.” He put his phone away, satisfied. She patted him sympathetically on the shoulder, and Magnus felt something missing. Instinctively, he put a hand up to where the locket usually sat on his chest, but found it gone. Spinning around he turned to glare at Carey, whose hands were stuffed in her baggy pockets.

          “Give it back ,” he growled. She opened her mouth like she was about to deny something, but then she looked him in the face, realized he wasn’t joking, and dumped out the contents of her pockets. It wasn’t just his locket in there. It seemed she had emptied out most of the store, without him even noticing. He might have gaped a little bit, even as he fastened the necklace around his neck. “Is this your superpower?” She shrugged, still looking a little guilty.

          “Nah, just a hobby. Sorry, man, really.”

          “It’s fine.” There was a moment of awkward silence, then he turned to her. “Just out of curiosity, what is your superpower?” Instead of answering, she just bit her lip and looked like she was concentrating really hard, and then her skin flushed blue and turned scaly. Her pupils turned slitted, and her hair was slicked back into a crest.

          “Woah. That’s pretty cool.” She shrugged, human skin returning.

          “I don’t know, it’s kind of useless. Not like super-strength,” she added, smirking. He felt self-conscious all of a sudden. “Don’t know what I was thinking, that I could steal off of a superhero? ” He wrinkled up his nose as she laughed. Well hey, he wasn’t really bored anymore, was he?

-

          Merle supposed he didn’t feel as bad as he should have for ditching the kid at the store for the space-base, but could you really blame him?

          Avi was moderately annoyed about being summoned to take him up so he could hang out, but who cares, really? He was getting pretty used to flying into space. Or, at least his stomach was.

          He wandered about for a bit, looking into a few of the dome things, hanging out at the Costco, before deciding on the library. Now, he didn’t really know what to make of the whole superhero thing. He had just wrapped his mind around the whole ‘superpowers’ thing before he was hit with this whole thing, and then suddenly he was on TV in a tangle of vines, saying his name was ‘Doc’ and he was here to save the world. A nasal voice broke him out of his thoughts.

          “Davenport?” The small, mustachioed man was before him, looking up at him with cheerful, yet strangely blank eyes. He was holding up a checkered tray, looking at him expectantly. “Davenport,” he repeated insistently. Merle could hear the whispers around him, see the crowd surreptitiously gather around them. “Davenport.” Merle lowered himself on the opposite chair, groaning.

          “Why not? Gotta warn you bud, I’m not that good.” Davenport just repeated his name. His eyes suddenly changed from the blank happiness to sharp, cruel intelligence. The crowd around Merle suddenly made a lot more sense. This was a hazing.

          Now here’s the thing. Merle was moderately confident in his chess skills. He wasn’t going to be named a Grandmaster any time soon, but he was pretty good. And after playing with Davenport for a few minutes, he could tell this guy was a much better player than he was. But, for some reason, he knew what Davenport was going to do next. It was obvious, almost, except he wasn’t, and this was probably one of the most convoluted games of chess he’d ever played, a strange game of them pulling all of their craziest strategies out of their asses, only to be shut down and replaced by a move that seemed twice as mad.

          Davenport ended up winning, obviously, but Merle could tell no one expected him to do as well as he did, not even Davenport himself. But Merle was a good sport, and he held out his hand.

          “Good game, Ca-- Uh, Davenport.” Merle shook his head.

          He really was losing his mind these days.

Chapter Text

           “America’s favorite trio of superpowered vigilantes strike again, and President Kalen is not happy. Videos show the heroes rescuing a building from a fire near downtown Neverwinter after an apparent robbery. The perpetrator has been detained by the vigilante known as Flip Wizard, and the victims of the fire are endlessly grateful for their rescue by the group. But many people are wondering; where did they come from, and are they as good as they want you to thi--” Merle flipped the channel on their admittedly shitty box TV to some cartoon as Magnus blustered out of the shower, beard singed and wounds fresh.

            “Bet you’re regretting not having a shirt on your costume now, huh?” Merle snarked, already pulling out the first aid kit from under the couch. Magnus just stuck his tongue out at him before plopping down on the couch in front of him. “No, really buddy, we’re not poor anymore, you can afford clothes-- Hey, Taako, you better not be getting into the shower right now!” Taako froze, halfway through peeling his robe-like costume off.

            “Ugh, come on old man! I’m all grimy and I don’t know the last time those robbers showered !” Merle just shooed him away, handing him a roll of gauze and nodding back to Magnus, who was still kind of bleeding.

            “You know the rule Taako, the last time you showered first after a battle we didn’t get the bathroom until midnight. Take care of the big guy for me, crybaby, he’s pissed about his sideburns.” Magnus was still pretending he wasn’t pouting while definitely very much pouting over his luscious ‘do. Taako flipped the channel, and a young-ish guy, maybe in his thirties, sat scowling in front of a sea of reporters, letting it play in the background as he finished up Merle’s admittedly quality work.

           “These new ‘superheroes’ are nothing more than a group of criminals at worst, national threats at worst. I don’t care what I have to do, they are not heroes, they are dangerous people and should be treated as such!”

-

            Taako really didn’t want to be woken up at three in the morning and forced onto a jet into space by some druggie asking for Pringles that for some reason works for a space organization, but then again he found that fate rarely ever listened to what he wanted. He was rocking his footie pajamas, obviously, but Magnus decided it was a ‘group thing’ and now Taako’s PJ glory was undermined by a giant ball of fur and Merle’s Entire Ass ™. Avi brought them over to the Director’s, who was, of course, pristine and not at all looking like she was up at three-mcfucking-thirty in the morning.

            “Thank you for getting up so early boys. I could only imagine how unpleasant waking up must have been, especially after the day you’ve had, hm?” She moved as she talked, never really looking up at them. “Well, I guess I’ll just cut to the chase. One of our agents, Leeman Kessler, found a fragment holder last night, but before he could fully report the identity of the person, he was taken out. All that he had the time to report was that the perpetrator was to be on the Rockport Limited 12:00 today.” She slid three tickets across the table. “Well, Rockport Limited is known for transporting high profile people all the time, and we called today because we just so desperately needed a way to transport the world’s newest superheroes.” Se went over a few other precautions, notes, important info, blah blah blah, and then they left to change into their Official Superhero Spandex ™. Killian brushed past them into the office as they left, a conflicted look on her face. The last thing Taako heard before the door was closed by Davenport was Killian shouting, “You gave those bozos undercover work?!”

-           

            It took way too much effort to avoid the paparazzi. They landed the plane at some clearing in the swamps, walked through the city in civilian clothes, ran into Tom Bodett (?), and then had to dive into a bathroom, seal it, change into their costumes, and run onto the train without being seen by paparazzi. As they finally got into the car, panting, a man in a Rockport uniform and a rainbow bowtie that was riding the line of something Taako would pull off or what Taako would scoff at and call ‘gauche’ took their bags and introduced himself in a Snape-esque voice as ‘Jenkins, here to serve your every need’. He showed them through the sleeper cars, the dining car, the passenger car, and last of all the storage car.

            “With state-of-the-art technology, our safe is one of the safest in the business. It physically cannot be opened through force or other means. The only way it can be opened is if one of the authorized staff keeps their fingerprints on it for thirty minutes. I assure you that all of your weapons are safe. Of course, we don’t need all this when we got superheroes on the train, do we?” Magnus honestly couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but Taako must have been able to tell, because he immediately pulled a bag of carrots out of his robe and began obnoxiously chomping on them.

            “Jenkins, was it? You got our stuff in there, didn’t you? All safe and sound?” Jenkins sneered a bit.

            “I mean, I sent for some workers to do it, you kno--”

            “And you didn’t do it yourself? Kind of a shitty attendant, huh?” The man spluttered a bit.

            “I didn’t want to pull a muscle!”

            “ I didn’t want to pull a muscle! ” Jenkins stammered around for a bit before huffing out of the room, mumbling something about a drink cart. Taako flopped over to the sleeping car, staring out to where Jenkins left. “There’s something I really don’t trust about that guy.”

            “You’re kind of being an asshole, Taako.” Magnus was giving him his best disapproving look, but Taako just glared at him and stretched out like an agitated cat.

            “Tell me something I don’t know. I’mma take a nap.”

-

            Magnus, Merle, and Taako were standing at the back of the passenger car, surveying their suspects. First was a small boy with dark skin and curly black hair dressed up in something that looked like he came straight out of private school, half buried in a giant book. In the row across of him sat a short woman that looked like she could probably bench press Magnus . Speaking of Magnus, he seemed to be having some sort of weird fangirl-panic-attack, squealing something about pro wrestling… Oh right! It was that Jess the Beheader chick that Magnus followed on Twitter. She was pretty cool, yeah. The last passenger was this guy in a long trench coat that looked a little trashy, with the words ‘JUICY’ hastily stapled on in scraps of fabric where Merle assumed his ass would be.

            “Alright, let’s do this.” Merle sat down next to the boy. “Hello, I’m--” The boy turned to him before he could finish his sentence, pushing his oversized glasses up his nose.

            “Hello sir! I’m Angus McDonald, and I think I need to speak to you three!”

Chapter Text

Merle shut the door behind them. “Okay kid, you better have something to say, or this situation will look objectively creepy.” The small boy clutched his book to his chest, legs swinging off of the side of the bed. They all seemed to recognize this type of kid. He said that he was going to see his grandfather, but there was something in the way all his clothes were faintly patched in some places, or in how the kid seemed to perpetually looking over his shoulder that made them think he didn’t have any place to go after this.

“I don’t really get why three grown men inviting a child into their sleeping car can possibly be creepy,” Angus said, blinking innocently. A beat of silence. Then a flood of giggles. “Just kidding, sirs, I completely understand the implications. You should see your faces!” Taako scoffed and snatched the book out of Angus’ hands, raising it right out of the kid’s reach.

“Okay, kiddo. FP’s a little too train-sick to deal with any shi--, fuck you’re a baby, I mean, silly things. Cut to the chase.” He tossed the book over to Magnus, who tossed it to Merle, and then they were playing some weird form of keep-away where the three of them tossed it over Angus’ head as the child watched blankly.

“I’m not a baby, sir, I’m ten years old. And the World’s Greatest Detective!” He puffed out his chest a bit after the last bit, looking adorably proud of himself. Taako rolled his eyes, catching the book out of the air and tossing it towards where Magnus was.

“That seems a bit full of yourself.” The boy smiled cheesily.

“Well, I mean, I can’t be that bad if I’m good enough to detect through your horseshit, Mr. Taako!” Taako froze, Magnus didn’t catch the book. Angus swung off the bed, picking his book off of the ground and busied himself with smoothing out the pages. “But really,” his childish glee abruptly shifted to blank curiosity. “You should start being a lot more careful, Mr. Burnsides and Mr. Highchurch. You all should be a lot more careful if you want to stand a chance.” His eyes slid unnervingly over to where Taako was muttering ‘Bad guy, bad guy, bad guy, bad guy,’ under his breath. “You’re interesting though, Mr. Taako. I don’t think anyone’s ever hid as much information about themselves so effectively before. I couldn’t even find a last name!” Angus’ eye caught Taako’s hand creeping towards his umbrella.

“Oh, don’t worry sir, I won’t say anything. President Kalen does have a lot of money on your names, but I’m just a kid and I don’t care about monetary gain so much yet. Also, I suppose I’m in the same boat as you three.” His eyes flashed silver the smallest bit, and he smiled again, sharp and confident. “Mild psychic abilities, I’d guess. Helps with the detective work. It’s completely a coincidence we ended up on the train!” Merle’s eyes narrowed a bit.

“If you aren’t chasing us, then why are you here?”

“A case, of course!” The kid-smile was back, a bit unnerving now. “The militia is after a serial killer and thief called the Rockport Slayer, which is quite uncreative if you ask me, but irrelevant. They know he was on this train, so…” He gestured out to the train with his hands. “Usually it would be a piece of cake, but there’s something powerful clouding the brain traffic. And you three are here, and, well, it doesn’t really make sense for you to be here unless it’s for hero work.” Magnus and Merle seemed a bit distrusting, but Taako was, surprisingly, the first to speak up.

“A bad guy with a very powerful and dangerous item was reported to be on this train, and we’re here to go after them. Maybe it’s your killer, but anywho, I think we should work together.” Angus fixed him with a piercing stare.

“Reported? I knew you must have associates, but, with this level of organization… who do you work for?” Magnus, Merle, and Taako all froze, trading wild glances.

“Well… we work for an organization created to… rid the world of… bad things?” Angus frowned.

“Is there something preventing the information from being revealed to people not in the organization?” The trio stammered a bit, but Angus beamed as if they answered. “This explains quite a lot, in fact. I could tell I drew the thought back into your conscious train of thought, but I couldn’t quite reach it. Hm. Fascinating.” He met Merle’s eyes this time, eyes visibly glowing with the effort, but then there was a sparking noise and the kid winced a bit and turned away. Magnus and Merle both reached out to steady Angus, but he brushed their hands away. “Absolutely fascinating,” he muttered again, “I’ll get back to that later. But now back to the case.” He opened his book to the back, where it seemed he had stuffed a small notebook and a stub of a pencil. “The passengers: Jess the Beheader, WWE champion, known for being particularly violent. She has the skills, definitely, but she seems to be the genuine type, and I can’t think of a motive. Unless she’s completely unrelated to my case and is only after your artifact, then I suppose she remains a contender. Percy Debinson, Train Name: Graham. Aspires to work on the Rockport Limited, but his place was actually taken by Jenkins. As far as I can tell, he’s not very powerful in, well, any respect. But he has a suitable motive, I guess. And Jenkins--” He was cut off by a scream near the front of the train.

The three of them ran up to the front of the train, halting in front of a door with rusty red pooling out from under it. The door gave way when Magus tried the knob, and the group looked into the room. Graham was prostrate on the ground, unconscious but apparently alive. And across from him was a drink cart and a body, blood dripping from where his head and hands used to be, and tied around his headless neck…

“Well, Jenkins is dead, I suppose,” Angus concluded.

Chapter Text

Magnus really thought he would have had a more dramatic reaction to the sight of the mutilated body should have affected him more. It didn’t. In fact, the sight was almost… boring? Boring. Huh. That’s strange. In the midst of his pondering, the idea of covering the kid’s eyes didn’t occur to him until he realized Angus was standing over the boy, methodically poking at the corpse.

“Uh, Angus, are you… okay? With the dead guy?” Angus smiled cheerily up at them in disturbing juxtaposition to the body he was examining.

“Of course, sir! Usually, if I get close enough to the corpse, I can glean some information from any of the person’s residual consciousness. Plus, I’m the World’s Greatest Detective, I can’t really afford to be squeamish!” He flipped his notebook closed. “Elvish, male, presumably Jenkins--”

“Presumably?” Taako gestured at the bowtie. Angus shrugged.

“You’d be surprised. Fresh body, probably hasn’t been dead for more than two minutes, clean slice on the neck, rougher cuts on the hands at the wrist. No other wounds or signs of struggle. No belongings on the person.” Angus handed Magnus his notebook and began to roll up his sleeves. “Now, it usually takes a second, but if I try I can--” Angus froze, staring wide-eyed at something behind them. “Don’t. Move.”

“Kiddo, what is i-- Holy shit!” Before any of them could move, Angus dove out of the way right as a blast of fire hit the body. Without missing a beat, Angus pulled out a pistol from the arm of his sleeve and fired it twice at the ceiling. And maybe Magnus would have said something about weapons and children if a giant fire-motherfucking-breathing crab didn’t drop down into the car. It opened its mouth, the spinning mechanisms inside of it glowing ominously. The boys all looked over at Angus who was standing in front of them, holding out his firearm. The boy looked back.

“Why are you all behind me? Aren’t you the superheroes?” The crab-thing made a powering-up sound and they all scattered, the flames charring the carpet they were just standing on. The crab rushed towards them, and with all his little-boy strength, Angus grabbed Graham and dragged him out of the room. “Uh, sirs? I think we should probably cheese it out of the enclosed space, if that’s okay with you?” Taako was right behind him, running out as the crab snipped the air right above him, followed by Merle, but Magnus just hunkered down in front of the crab.

“I’ll handle this you gu-- Hey!” He felt a vine snake around his ankle, and then Merle was dragging him out of the train compartment.

“You don’t have any weapons, dumbass!” Merle yelled, dragging him behind them as they ran down the next car, tugging at the door.

“What the hell’s going on?” They all froze as Jess popped up from between the seats, facing away from the oncoming creature. The crab made the powering-up noise again, and she turned just in time to see the flames shooting out before her vision was encased in greenery and she was pushed back to the group. The crab scuttled over the charred leaves towards them, opening its glowing mouth. Merle pushed everyone except for Magnus and Taako out of the room, much to Jess’s protests. When the next wave of fire came towards them, Magnus pushed in front of them and clapped, the wave of force pushing the fire to surround the creature. Taako flicked his wrist, and the fire turned into what seemed to be a pocket of air, propelling the crab to flail uselessly in the air above them.

“Hey! That was pretty competent of us!” Magnus boomed, holding out a hand for high-fives. He was left hanging because at that moment Jess burst through the plant barricade and straight at the monster jumping on it. With a few well-placed hits and some genuinely horrifying cracking noises, the crab laid mutilated and very, very dead on the ground. But no sooner had the thoughts of eating it had reached their minds, the thing dissolved into a flurry of pixels. Angus appeared beside them, snatching his notebook out of Magnus’ pocket and started to furiously scribble in it.

“It appears to be some sort of solid… illusion, I’d think. The leaves on the ground are still charred, and Miss The Beheader was able to attack it, so it has bearing on the real world. I wonder…” He ran over to the other compartment, still scribbling.

“Who the hell’s that kid?” Jess asked, stretching out her jacked arms. Angus poked his head back into the room.

“The body is still charred. I don’t think I’ll be able to-- argh!” His eyes flashed a painful shock of silver as the room grew the slightest bit heavier. The familiar weight of power sparked through the air, thick enough that the three heroes could feel it. Angus took the brunt of it, holding his head in obvious pain. The trio immediately rushed over to him, propping him against the wall. “I-it seems your artifact has something to do with illusions. Unfortunately, I think the mystery-solving will have to depend on you, sirs. It’s quite obvious if you just-- ugh!” He squeezed his eyes shut. They could see the silver outline of his pupils shining past the thin skin of his eyelids. Magnus kind of wanted to throw up and punch someone at the same time.

“Can’t you do anything?” He looked between Taako and Merle, but Taako shook his head.

“It’s the fragment. The kid’s powers seem to have rewired his brain to automatically take in all the information around him and sort out the lies from the truth, but the fragment is illusion-based. My guess is that his powers are trying to correct the reality that the fragment is changing, and it’s creating a conflict, centered in Agnes’ brain.”

“There’s hope for us yet, sir,” Angus snarked, and then proceeded to fall flat on his face. He waved away the heroes’ hands with a muffled, “I’m fine, sirs, I just think I’ll lay here for a bit while you figure this out. Good luck!”

-

“Merle do you have anything to... wake him up?” The trio stood over the passed-out Graham, Jess looking on entirely unimpressed. Merle raised an eyebrow.

“Do you mean like, drugs?” Taako smacked the old man upside the head.

“No, like, smelling salts, old man!” Merle rubbed at his grimy beard.

“Sorry, can’t think of any plants that could help right now. Hey, big guy, why don’t you, uh, smack him, or something?” Magnus drew his arm back but Taako caught his arm.

“Uh, try it at 20% power.”

“That would kill some things.”

“Uh… 5% with your left hand.” Magnus nodded, winded up and smacked Graham, sat up, clutching his cheek.

“Aw, shit! Tha-that one hurt, shit!” Taako sat in front of him, smiling sweetly.

“Graham, right? Graham, could you tell us what you remember?” The man blinked the sleep out of his eyes, sitting up against the wall.

“Uh, I was in here with Jess, then I wanted a drink so I went to get Jenkins, and then… Oh my god! Jenkins is--” And then he passed out again. Taako sighed, stepped back, and gestured to Magnus.

“Try 6.5%” Magnus smacked him, and Graha spluttered awake, howling in pain.

“Jesus Christ! That one was, like 1.5% worse than the last one!”

“Well, technically, it would be 0.3% worse, but whatever. About how long would you say you were in the passenger car, and do you have any proof?”

“Uh, yeah, Jess and I were in the passenger car together for about twenty minutes.” Jess grunted in agreement. “Hey, uh, why don’t you interrogate Jess?”

“Her biceps are bigger than Magnus’.”

-

“Taako, just because you glare at the button while you press it doesn’t mean it would work any better.” They had been standing around the intercom outside of the conductor’s car for a minute, pressing the button and waiting for the conductor to come, which he hadn’t. “Taako, just let me punch it!” Taako scooted out of the way to let Magnus wind up and…

It was nauseating, really to watch reality bend. The metal seemed to soften around Magnus’ arm, before turning rubbery and slingshotting it out. Magnus had to jump back to make sure it didn’t shoot his arm straight out of its socket.

“Jesus, okay! I guess we know who did it now!” Magnus slumped against the wall, rubbing at his arm. Taako narrowed his eyes at the wall as Merle did his ‘stupid-old-guy’ act.

“Uh… the conduct--”

“Yes, the conductor!” Magnus yelled. Taako snapped his fingers.

“Nope. It’s Jenkins.”

Chapter Text

Magnus blinked at him.

“But Jenkins is--”

“Nope.”

“But the bod--”

“Different one. The conductor’s.”

“Are you su--”

“Just trust me, the author cut the last scene off at a super inconvenient place.”

“What?” Taako sighed. He knew that neither Magnus nor Merle were as stupid as they pretended to be, but they were always the slightest bit dense and… always? Man, he’s only known them for like, a few months, tops, that’s pretty pretentious of him. Whatever. Anyways, back to the case.

“If it was the conductor, why would he need to kill Jenkins? Why would he need to risk revealing that he had the power in the first place? Therefore, it’s Jenkins.”

“So the body is… the conductor?” Taako was already power-walking out of the door to the cargo car (maybe taking extra care to make his cape swoosh dramatically behind him, who knows). Magnus rushed ahead of him, which was very on-brand, Merle waddling surprisingly quickly behind him.

“It’s not a race!” Taako wheezed out. “Oh hey! How ya hanging, kid?” Angus was still lying face-down on the ground.

“As fine as I can be, sir! Did you figure it out? It’s Jenkins, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess we gotta go, uh, fight ‘im now,” he called behind him, only to bump into a solid wall of Magnus. “Ugh, bud-- huh?”

The room was empty.

“ Sirs? Are you alright? I can feel a lot of the energy coming from that room and I would totally go investigate if I didn’t think it would totally blow my bean!” Angus called from the other room.

“Uh, no there’s nothing in this room! It looks… empty?” Magnus called back. Taako could feel the umbrella in his hand vibrate almost excitedly, feeling a bit warmer than usual?

“ Uh… try to open the back door! I have a theory, I think! ” Magnus pulled on the doorknob on the other side of the room, but the door stayed firmly closed. He tried tugging harder, then punching it, then ripping the doorknob off, then checking the pull sign to make sure he didn’t misread it, but to no avail.

“It’s not working!” he shouted back. “Do you want me to--”

“The room’s an illusion.” Taako and Magnus turned to look at Merle, who was staring out the window. He turned to look at them, eyes sparkling sharply behind his bifocals. “At least, I think that’s what the kid’s getting at.”

“ Good job, sir! You’ve solved the train puzzle! ” Angus hollered. It was weirdly patronizing seeing as it came from a ten-year-old.

“That was actually pretty competent of you, Merle!” Magnus boomed, slapping an irked Merle on the back.

“Oi! Don’t sound so surprised!”

--

Everyone had gathered into the main passenger compartment to try to figure out a plan. Taako didn’t especially like having to ask the others for help, but they’d already seen them repeatedly go to a child for help. The whole ‘brave and powerful superhero’ shtick was over.

“Aren’t you guys supposed to be super powerful and stuff?” Jess had asked.

“I suppose they are, ma’am, but from my understanding, they all share a sum of about two brain cells,” Angus snarked from the chair he had crawled onto. It was kind of an awkward situation, not helped at all by the small child with a glowing face buried in some cushions. “Does anyone have anything that could help us get into the cargo car? Yes, Miss the Beheader I am aware of how swole you are, I was thinking… information?” Silence. Angus let out a very adult-person sigh. “Well, um, the only other entrance to that room, the back door, but I don’t think there’d be any way to get to that door unless we leave the train, which we wouldn’t be able to do anyways, seeing as we’re in a tunne--”

“There’s a stretch where they don’t have any tunnel yet coming up in a few minutes. It’s about, uh, 1.25 miles long. But if we’re really moving at 150 miles an hour, you’d have to get to the back of the train in…”

“Thirty seconds,” Taako and Angus supplied at the same time. Everyone looked surprised at the self-proclaimed ‘simple idiot wizard’. Taako flushed.

“Erm, I seem to be holding both of the brain cells at the moment. So, we’d need someone to jump out of the train, not die, and get to the back car door in thirty seconds.” He barely finished the sentence before Magnus was up, starting to stretch his muscles.

“I’ll do it! I’ll do it!” Taako was reminded of a puppy dog of some sort. “Someone get a rope, I could… uh… rappel! I could rappel down the side of the car and punch the door down!” Merle was already on it, a vine snaking around Magnus’ waist as he sat eagerly by the window. Angus shifted in his pile of every cushion in the passenger car, sticking a hand in the air like he was in class.

“Um, sir? With all due respect, I don’t think even you would be able to get there in thirty seconds.” Taako raised his hand in mock-eagerness, mimicking Angus’ pose.

“No, I stole these cool boots from Merle’s dead cousin, they help you jump like, super high.” There was a beat of silence as everyone stared at Magnus, who took a few seconds to catch up. “I mean--”

“Hey look, the tunnel is ending soon!” Taako shouted, changing the subject before anyone could fully process what Magnus just said. Indeed, the edges of the window were tinged with the smallest bit of daylight. Hudson flipped two of them open, the sounds of a rushing train hitting them at full force. The three heroes went to stand in front of the window, the wind pushing Magnus’ hair out of his eyes as he squinted at the light and Taako’s cape into a billowing sail of green behind him. (Merle, not blessed neither fabulous nor rugged good looks, just drowned in his crusty beard as it flew backward). Hudson was standing at another one of the windows, keeping count of the feet. The approaching light steadily grew, flooding the train car and blinding all of them.

“Any last words?” Taako shouted into the wind. Magnus looked back, a wild grin on his face.

“Don’t touch my stuff.”

“Three! Two! And… one! Jump!”

Magnus leaped out.

There was a horrifying moment where the rope was slack and he was pulled out of their view, mid-air as the train hurtled past, but then the vine was pulled tight and they heard a solid thunk at the side of the train. They all rushed to the window, watching as Magnus clung to the side of the train, giant hands and long arms helping him swing across the car in record time. He jumped off of the edge, swinging around, and it really seemed like he’d made it, but then there was the sight of something pale and giant, and he was flung back right as they re-entered the tunnel. Everyone lurched forward unconsciously, but Magnus seemed unfazed, grabbing on an overhanging rock and pushing himself forward into something that made such a horrid squelching noise that it could be heard even over the rush of the train. There was a clattering noise and yelling coming from the other side of the cargo door, and everyone rushed to listen and wait by it.

“What’s up, Jenkins!”

“What the-- are you flipping me off ?”

There was laughing cut off by a groan, and then the door was blown back, a giant heap of Magnus knocking through it, clutching an ax. Everyone scrambled to ready themselves, bursting into the small cargo car. In the middle of the car the safe sat, open, everyone’s shit spilling out from it, over which Jenkins, glowing faintly, stood. He was flanked by two… flesh… mounds? Whatever they were, they were disgusting and giant and definitely attacking them. Merle was, surprisingly, the first to react, vines ensnaring one of the flesh creatures and then squeezing, bursting it in one of the most horrifying displays any of them had seen.

“H-how did you see through my perfect crime?” Jenkins sputtered out, skittering behind the safe in fear.

“It’s ‘cause you’re a wiener, darling,” Taako quipped, hands glowing. Jenkins turned his nose up at the childish insult, eyes flashing a sickly blue.

“I hate you a--”

“Jenkins? More like Wankins!” Merle supplied, looking for approval.

“You are all the worst and I ha--”

“Jerkins? Is Jerkins good? I like Jerkins!” Magnus supplied as he stumbled to his feet. The man in question pinched the bridge of his nose, so disgusted it seemed words were beyond him.

“Yo- I- god, I am going to kill everyone on this train, then bring you three back to life just to kill you again. Just kill them!” he shouted at the other meat monster, who stumbled forward in all its horrifying glory. Magnus jumped up, swinging his ax down onto its head and leaving it with a nasty cut right as Taako fired a beam at it, a chunk of it sloughing off and shattering into a pile of bloody ice. The thing stumbled around, making gross gross gross noises and bleeding, like, everywhere. Merle put it out of its misery, squeezing it into a horrid blood-slushy that pooled into the carpet.  

“You’re outnumbered, Wiener-Wankins-Jenkins,” Magnus growled. Jenkins paled, scrabbling to the far end of the room.

“Y-you can’t hurt me! I’m the only one who knows how to run the train, you won’t be able to stop it without me!”

“Actually, I could probably stop the train!” Hudson yelled from where he was cowering in the passenger car.

“You go do that, my dude! Sorry, thug, that really isn’t good enough for us. Any other excuses, or are you going to let us arrest you now?” The man sniveled pathetically in Taako’s shadow, the other two leaving the room. “I knew was a reason I didn’t like you.” His umbrella rattled at his hip, swiveling so the point end faced Jenkins. Then it turned inside out, swallowing Jenkins’ head into it. “Woah! Woah, what the fuck! Uh, bad umbrella!” The umbrella suddenly stopped, flipping back and let an unconscious Jenkins fall to the ground. The moment his head hit the floor, an ember-like popped up over his head, floating by Taako’s head. “Uh… okay?” After a moment of staring at his umbrella, he turned his attention to the magic-thing. With one gloved hand, he batted the thing into one of his many pockets, praying it wouldn’t, like, explode or something, swiped a few valuables into his other pockets, then went back into the passenger car.

Merle was patching up Magnus with the help of Jess, who was complimenting Magnus on his sweet jumping-off-of-a-train move. Angus was up and about again, looking chipper as usual as he bounced into the cargo car and muttered to himself.

“Thank you so much sirs, my head feels much clearer now! Oh, and don’t worry about the paperwork and such, I have connections in the police force. I can explain it for you!” He smiled in a bright way that made you vaguely uneasy before something caught his attention. “Um, sir, did you happen to see a set of silverware in the safe?” Taako froze, and Angus glanced over at him with those terrifying eyes of his. “Because it belonged-- sorry, belongs to my grandfather and I wouldn’t want to lose it.”

“Sorry kid, I think it got destroyed,” Taako weakly supplied, now very vividly remembering grabbing a silverware set. He didn’t know why he was trying to lie to the kid, but he couldn’t very well back down now, could he? Angus just smiled that knowing smile of his and sent shivers down Taako’s spine.

“It’s alright, sir. Keep them. The more things you have to hold over a person, the better. Oh look, we’re here!” Angus happily skipped out, tracking blood-slush across the carpet.

This kid.

Chapter Text

“The press is talking about us again,” Magnus mumbled into his arm. It was a blisteringly hot day at the shop, and for all their fancy talk, it didn’t seem like the super-secret-space-organization that owned the place was going to fix it anytime soon. And, of course, Magnus and Merle were stuck at the shop for cover reasons. It’s not like anyone visited the  damn place, anyways. Merle fumbled for his glasses, squinting at their tiny screen.

“Is it-- Oh shit, it’s the president, he fucking hates us.”

Despite Madame Director’s best efforts, the man was set on dragging their names through the mud. The press ate that shit up with a fucking spoon obviously, and the situation was only exacerbated by Taako’s constant need to do something called a… ‘clapback’? Whatever it was, it drove the PR department insane or something because Magnus was pretty sure they quit like, two months ago. Like he was summoned, Taako was down the stairs in a flurry of fabric and color, typing frantically on his phone.

“Guys, do you know what day it is?” Cue the blank stares.

“Uh, October 11th?” Taako spread his arms out expectantly, which was just met with more blank stares.

“...Friday?” Magnus supplied. Taako just scoffed in reply.

“National Coming Out Day, meathead. And I’m having problems .” He slammed his phone down on the table, a blank draft open on his Flip Wizard account. “What the fuck am I supposed to write ?”

Magnus blinked. Oh.

“Wait, there’s a day for that?” Taako waved him off, gesturing to the phone on the table.

“Yesss, and I need to write something for it. Stay on task! What! Do! I! Write!” The three stood around the table, staring at the phone in the middle of the table, the cursor blinking almost tauntingly. The screen’s brightness faded, and Taako tapped the screen once to keep it on. The cursor blinked. A clock ticked behind them. The cursor blinked. Merle scratched his nose. Magnus tapped the screen again. The cursor blinked. Taako fiddled with his bracelet, fading it pink to blue to black to white and on and on a--

“I’ve got it!” Merle and Taako jumped, but Magnus bustled on. “We all come up with our   own ideas!”

Taako facepalmed.

-

Ironically enough, they did end up doing that.

-

Lucretia had been reloading the official SnapGram ™ page for the boys for thirty minutes now and nothing . Praying that they at least mentioned supporting the youth, she clicked the reloading button again. God, what were those idiots doing ? Lucretia told Taako what the prime time for posting any viral media was, and yet …

Ding !

Finall--

God. Dammit.

-

Three posts went viral at nearly the exact same rate that day. All three were from the same account.

The first was posted by the hero known as Flip Wizard, featuring the man himself in his official costume, sprawled out in a claw-footed bathtub and holding a bottle of champagne with one hand a perfectly manicured middle finger stuck out on the other. It was the sort aesthetically-pleasing post not uncommon from the hero, barring one thing.

Rainbows streaked across his outfit, from the top of his wizard hat to the tip of his thick-soled shoes. His usual cape was replaced by a pride flag, tied loosely over his shoulders, and his lips, painted rainbow as well, were pulled back in a cavalier smile. The caption simply read: ‘how about i end the debate’. It suffices to say that it did.

The second was a selfie of I’Morko, holding a small purple, blue, and pink flag, chipped nails painted accordingly. His caption was… much longer than Flip Wizard’s, to say the least, a wieldy paragraph of the contents of his lunch and so rambly that you almost miss the ‘oh, bc i’m bi did i mention that? anyways’ crammed in the middle. The post was parsed later on, hidden meanings squeezed out of every mention of a meatball sub, all of which was entirely unintentional by the man himself.

Doc’s post was the only one that didn’t include a picture, just the words:

Feeling quite Pan-tastic today!

-Doc

Followed up with:

I’m not actually sure if it was clear, but the joke is that I’m not straight.

(Merle didn’t actually know how to post on SnapGram ™, and Magnus had to type this for him.)

Weirdly enough, Merle’s ended up getting the most likes.

Not that it was a competition or anything.

Taako wasn’t happy.

-

Lucretia was confused.

Being a secret space organization was never supposed to be easy , but she thought the Void would at least take the weight off her back.

Then the first letter arrived.

Carey had tapped on her door, almost nervously, with a crisp, white envelope. Already, she had Lucretia’s attention. Carey was rarely nervous.

“See, the thing is boss…”

“Spit it out.” Lucretia’s voice was level but her hand clutched at her suit under the table, horrible possibilities running through her head.

“...You’ve got mail.” She paused.

“Miss Fangbattle?”

“Yeah, boss?”

“We live in space.”

“I’m aware, boss.”

“But we have mail ?”

“That’s the… the problem, boss.” Carey shifted uncomfortably. “Avi said he found it in his satchel the last time he came back from planetside.”

“Leave the letter on my desk. You are dismissed ” Carey left silently, leaving Lucretia to stare at the envelope in front of her. It was standard, no special markings or sealings, simply the words, ‘Madame Director’ printed neatly on the back. She picked it up with the very tips of her gloved fingers, slitting it open. It contained a postcard from Neverwinter, something one would buy in a tourist shop.

Dear Madame Director,

Is that your name? I’m not sure. It took a large amount of energy simply to parse that much from the nice man that works from you. Not that he told me anything, he doesn’t need to be in trouble. I’m a psychic, I think, and he had the same sort of fuzziness in his mind as Mr. Taako and Mr. Burnsides and Mr. Highchurch. I met them on a train, the Rockport Express. You can ignore this if you want, but I was just curious and wondering if I could ask you a few questions. You can probably find me. I’m not trying to hide.

Sincerely,

Angus McDonald

P.S. Do you actually live in space? I passed out at that point but I think I heard something about space. I have questions about that too.

-

Merle couldn’t help noticing the man.

He was tall, with dark skin and long dreads, always nicely dressed, and he would pass by every day. He wouldn’t come in , no, never. But he would pass by every day in his fancy suit, trying very hard to look casual as he peered into the window. And then he would just… stand there. Staring up at the sign. And every day he would walk up to the door, a little closer each time, as if he was going to open the goddamn door, and then turn right back around before he even put his hand on the doorknob. He would pace around the front door for a few minutes, maybe even try to walk up to the door a few more times, but then, of course, he would look at his watch, cast one last look at the shop, and go on walking.

It was fucking annoying .

It was the twenty-second day this happened when he snapped. Magnus was out doing exercise-things with his lizard friend, and Taako was… well, doing whatever Taako does when he’s supposed to be working. The man got all the way to the door this time, actually putting his hand on the doorknob .

And then he walked away.

Merle jumped over the counter, something he instantly regretted, then hobbled through the back pain all the way up to the door, slamming it open just as the man began his second attempt.

“ Every. Single. Goddamn. Morning. I have to watch you do this every single morning of the past month .” The man had a surprisingly unaffected reaction to a short, old man jumping out of nowhere and yelling at him, simply taking a calm step back and looking a bit sheepish.

“Well, I’m sorry sir, I thought-- never mind. It was a misunderstanding, I think. Um, good d--”

“I think it’s about that pretty boy that lives with you, Highchurch,” Pringles wheezed from where he was propped up against the wall. This drew more of a reaction out of mystery-man, who immediately began to splutter and sweat.

“Taak-- I mean, who? What? Ha, look at the time I have to go!” Before he could get far, the click of heels on concrete seemed to freeze him in place.

“Hey old man, what’s going o-- Krav?” Taako paused mid-obnoxious chew of gum. Merle snatched the heavy bag of pastries out of his hand before he could drop them. ‘Krav’ stuffed his hands into his slacks, seemingly at a loss for words.

“Oh, Taako! Hey! W-what’s up?” Merle crossed his arms, looking in between the two. “I was just passing by, you know, and I ran into, uh… I didn’t catch your name?” The man didn’t spare a glance Merle’s way.

“He’s been pacing in front of the door every morning for the past month,” Merle supplied, which sent both Taako and the other man into stammering messes.

“Oh, well, I wouldn’t say every morning? It’s more lik--”

“Really? I mean, uh, whateve-- I mean, uh--”

“Are we having a sidewalk party? Just invite the guy in already!” Everyone save Pringles jumped as a very sweaty Magnus came blustering into the middle of the conversation, followed by a marginally less sweaty Carey. He snatched the greasy bag from Merle with one hand and held open the door (which he took up most with) with the other. “Why the fuck did you order so many pastries?” His words were muffled by the bear claw he had snatched up with his teeth. Krav was still frozen in place, but Taako was scowling at Magnus, pushing him out of the doorway.

“I’m sure Kravitz is busy and has better things to do than sit around your sweaty asses.”

“I’m… actually… not… busy?” Kravitz squeaked out from behind Merle. “I, I can join you guys, I have the day off from my boss. U-unless you don’t want me here, which is fine, that’s fine, I’ll just--”

“Don’t move, bird boy,” Taako interrupted, sending death threats through his eyes at his friends before turning around with his best show-selling smile. “You most definitely don’t want to hang out with these idiots. You do want to hang out with me, which we can totally do at lunch. Meet me at the cafe at the corner at, uh, 12:00 today. That good with you?” Kravitz nodded hastily.

“Yeah. Yeah, 12:00 is good. Uh, I guess I’ll see you then?” He half-turned away before spinning back around. “Oh, and it was nice to meet you, Taako’s family.”

Merle was about to make a snarky comment about being a dad, but he noticed how Taako went rigid around the shoulders. He settled for patting him on the back as he went in, not missing how red the tips of his ears were.

“So who was that?” Carey piped up, holding a lemon muffin. Taako shrugged half-heartedly.

“Nobody.”

-

Ever since the three fateful posts, the naysayers only doubled.

But so had the support. More and more the interviews drifted away from those iffy, controversial questions and more into personal ones. For every inch closer the skeptics scrutinized them, there was another wall of supporters there to throw them off the trail. Halloween rolled around, and dozens of companies made quite a lot of money off of costumes in their likeness.

Fall came, and with it, more crimes to solve.

They were on the front page more often than not, always off stopping some fire or shooting or solving robberies. It seemed as if the world was getting used to the crime-fighters. They didn’t even have to dodge police anymore!

But in the Bureau, a red dot pinged on the edge of a map. A comically droopy man shouts frantically through a telephone to where a very, very tired woman drank a fishbowl of wine and stares at doom through the monitor.

On the edge of a planet two galaxies away, a giant warship hovered, and a man stands looking at the stars below him.

And in the outskirts of a rich city in a vast desert, a woman speeds down a dusty road to the cheer of a crowd and the crunch of metal.

Chapter Text

Goldcliff was the kind of place that people like to write books about. A gilded city of glamor and corruption on the edge of a cliff, nothing but a ring of the lower-class separating it from the miles of desert that surround it. And in the center is the bank, a tall, gold-tipped tower that shines like a beacon or a mockery, depending on the angle.

Also, it was currently being strangled with vines.

The Tres Horny Bois, as their SnapGram proudly announced them to be (much to Lucretia’s chagrin and despite her countless attempts to change it) flew in, looking as majestic as three grown men in costumes could look whilst hurdling towards the ground in a glass ball could. Which, in Taako’s case, was very majestic. Natch.

They tumbled out when it landed right in the middle of the police barricade.

“Okay! Who’s Captain Captain Bane?” Magnus boomed over the racket of an entire building being attacked by magical vines. The police gave them weary looks, but they relaxed as their Captain came over and clapped Magnus on the back, seemingly at ease.

This time, it seemed, they didn’t get to the problem before it was revealed to the public. Lucretia had called them up in a panic, barely having time to tell them the name of their informant before shoving them into a glass ball and sending them to Goldcliff.  And now they were here, crouching behind a barricade, next to the man with one of the most unfortunate (or most fortunate) names Taako’s ever heard, trying to ignore the jabbering of the press on the other side of the barricade.

“Give us the SparkNotes, my man,” Taako yelled over the pop of cameras.

“Okay, so, the target’s a burglar that’s been evading the GPD for some time now called the Raven. You could probably tell , but the power she’s manifested is control over nature. Is your… friend okay…?” Taako and Magnus turned to Merle, who was staring at the tower.

“Ignore him. Is there anyone at risk in the building?” Magnus asked, because he’s Magnus Burnsides and he cares and shit.

“No, as far as we can tell we’ve gotten everyone out. Any questions?” Taako jumped over the barricade, making sure his cape swished behind him as the paparazzi shouted.

“We’ve got this, thug, don’t sweat it.”

“Honestly, I’d be impressed if you got past the vin-- Where’s Doc?”  Magnus looked around. Merle was by the vines, already stroking one of them.

“Shit.”

If there was one weakness of Merle’s, besides the lack of strength and his insisting on playing dumb and his age and his tendency to forget things, it was his constant horniness for plants. Now, it was manageable, really, but they were in front of a GIANT FUCK-TON OF VINES ATTACKING A BUILDING.

“Taako, do something. Block Merle from view or something, if this gets out…”

“Just, kick up some dust, do it, do it .” Magnus slammed his feet on the ground, sending a cloud of dust flying up, and Taako’s hand glowed and then a sheet of dirt separated them from the crowd.

-10 Horrible Minutes Later-

“How do you even sweet talk plan--” Magnus was shoved back by Taako, who shook him lightly by the shoulders.

“Maggie. Sweetie. You know better. Don’t. Ask.” Magnus would have no doubt responded with something witty, but he hesitated for a second too long and Taako ducked out of the way right as Magnus jumped across the room, ax drawn. Taako heard a thwack and a gross scream and then there was a giant ant made of plants?

“Why can’t we ever get a normal enemy?” Magnus yelled, jumping back with a good chunk of the tree-thing. Taako saw Merle approaching the creature and thought fast. A flip of the wrist sent a little river of gasoline unfurling to where the ant wobbled on two legs, and a well-placed scrape of his umbrella on the floor created a spark that traveled down the line and catching on the dry twigs of the ant. Of course, since they were in a room full of plants, the fire caught on something else, then on something else, then, the room was filling with smoke and the trio scattered. Magnus and Taako ran for the elevator while Merle jumped to the stairs. Taako leaned against the doors once they slid closed.

“Okay, that’s all my cardio for, like, the week,” he panted out. The elevator dinged softly as they passed each floor, the music making the quiet seem even eerier. They sat in relative silence for fifteen or so floors. The fluorescent lights flickered. “So, what’s going on with y--” The whole elevator shook, vines curling in through the tiles on the ceiling and growing until the walls started to break away. Taako threw an arm up and one of the vines twisted into a rope. Magnus grabbed on with a second to spare. Taako grabbed on a second too late.

He drew back instinctively as it flew past his fingers, and then the floor gave away. He grabbed at Magnus’ legs as the remnants of the elevator hurtled down around him. Magnus was dragged down a bit by the extra weight, the rope swinging perilously over a viney death.

There was a moment of quiet as they steadied in midair.

Then the door above them burst open and a small, old man came hurtling towards them, followed by a barrage of vines. Merle landed squarely on Magnus’ head, and all three of them slipped a few feet.

“A little warning next time ?” Magnus grit out. Merle didn’t respond. He was too busy yelling at a crowbar. It was in character, so Taako and Magnus didn’t question it.

Then a vine shot out from above them, lashing out across Taako’s knuckles and for a terrifying second, he was hurtling down the shaft.

Could I?

It works in theory...

What have I got to lose?

There was a flash of light and then Taako disappeared.

-Two Weeks Ago-

Taako peeked around the apartment to make sure the others were gone, a task made quite simple due to the fact there were like, three rooms. Once he ensured he was alone, he flipped open his phone and dialed the number he had had to remember by heart.

“Hey kiddo, how’re you holding up?” Gunshots and shouting garbled together in the background of the call.

“I’m fine, sir!” Angus cheerily responded. Taako tried his best to ignore the tug in his chest as he noticed the strain in Angus’ voice. “Sir? What’s wrong?”

“What’re you up to right now? It doesn’t sound too ‘fine’ to me, ‘s all.”

“Oh! Just a case. There’s a thing with a cult and a hostage scenario and it’s basically all better now.” Taako rolled his eyes.

“Kid, I thought you were better at lying than that.” There was the sound of panting and footsteps, and the background noise faded away.

“Okay, I’m out of shooting distance--”

“You were in shooting distance ?”

“--can I ask my question now?” There’s nothing you can do. The kid’s a professional. Deep breaths.

“Go for it, kiddo.”

“So, I was wondering about the limitations of your powers. So you can create anything basically anything as long as you have material to work with?”

“Ch’yeah.”

“What constitutes… anything ? Like, is it contained to things that should be physically possible?” Taako froze mid-dramatic sip. Huh. “So, hypothetically, could you create things that should be physically impossible? You’ve already created energy from basically nothing.” Huh. He felt his mouth quirk up against his will.

“I like how you think, kid.”

-Now-

Taako closed his eyes as he fell through the pocket of space he created, half-expecting to still be falling. But the rush of air suddenly stopped, and Taako was surrounded by a white-space version of the room he was in. The vines above him and below him crept at half-speed. Cautiously, he unfurled from where he was floating in mid-air. His foot met solid ground where there was none.

“Holy shit,” he breathed. A half-delirious whoop forced itself from his lungs. “Holy shit! I’m in a different dimension !” Then something chattered behind him, and he whirled around.

Tiny creatures, indistinguishable in every way save for their big eyes, blinked at him twice, then disappeared.

“I will choose to ignore that,” he announced, then grabbed at the empty space above his head. It turned solid under his fingers and held.

With some struggling, he clambered his way above Merle in the blank space. Taako squeezed his eyes shut, but when he reached out to the space around him he felt a pang of emptiness that stabbed at his gut. Okay. Not good . The vines above him were starting to creep dangerously close. He tried again and almost doubled over. Definitely not good.

Then the umbrella in his hands twitched. It warmed up. That emptiness in his core was suddenly replaced with an overwhelming warmth that shocked he felt in his bones .

And then the world was back in color, and vines were rushing towards him, and he was clutching to the top of the rope.

“What the fuck!” Taako ignored them, staring up at the doors three stories up. “Taako, what the fu--”

“ Later , big guy!” He hooked his umbrella on his belt. The first vine lashed out at Taako, but he dodged and grabbed at it before he could do anything. He felt power blow through his veins and it turned to rope in his grip. He swung up on it, then grabbed another, jumping and ducking through the vine jungle and turning vines to rope as he passed through them. He saw Merle fall into line next to him, his own vines whipping out and carrying him through the path Taako was clearing, Magnus jumping close behind him. Finally, his fingers met the cold metal of the elevator door. He leaned against the door on the ledge. Merle and Magnus swung up next to him, battering back any vines.

“Well, let’s go fight some weeds on Floor 20,” Taako ground out, and turned the door brittle.

“Nice one.” Magnus smashed through the door and the three jumped through.

The room was dangerously quiet. The vault was utterly destroyed, roots gripping at the twisted steel and money strewn everywhere. For a second it seemed as if the room was empty.

“There wasn’t supposed to be anyone in the building. You three need to leave ,” a woman spoke behind them. They spun to face her. She was tall, about Taako’s height, face obscured by a feathery black mask. Pale skin peeked through her black-leather outfit.

“Thank god, we’re finally fighting someone with some fashion sense!” Taako quipped, assuming a defensive position.

“I’m guessing that’s the Raven!” The other two joined him.

Vines surrounded the woman, obscuring the light from the window.

“Leave. Now. Before I make you ,” she growled. Magnus, predictably, didn’t heed her warning and ran towards her. But before he could get within ten feet of her, the vines slammed down and they were thrown back by the sheer force of it. Taako’s head hit the floor with a sickening crack, and his vision started to fuzz ou…

…

Glass shattering.

…

A woman, short, with a GPD uniform.

…

“Sloane, you’re not a killer!”

…

The room blinked back into vision. The woman, only a little taller than Merle, was propping an ice pack under his head. There was a hard look to her eyes, a steely pain that rang too familiar in his mind.

“I’m Lieutenant Hurley. I saw you guys get blown back through the window and I decided to assist.” Taako picked up a pebble, turned it into a mild headache medicine, and popped it in his mouth. The ache was starting to subside now, and he stared at Hurley.

“And the Raven?” Magnus asked. Hurley’s jaw tightened.

“She escaped when I entered. Basically vanished. No clue which direction she went in.” She glanced back to Taako. “Is it just the mask, or is he staring at me?”

“You called her Sloane.” Hurley flinched infinitesimally.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Then the room flooded with officers and she was gone. Captain Bane lumbered over to where paramedics were helping them up. He was saying something, but Taako couldn’t get the woman’s face out of his head. Where had he seen that look before?

Do you know how much it would cost to rebrand? We already have the t-shirts, we can’t reprint them. We would need all the puffy pain in the world!

Oh.

It was betrayal.

“Are you even listening to me?” Taako turned around to face him.

“We need to speak with one Lieutenant Hurley.”

Chapter Text

Lieutenant Hurley was hiding in her car.

“Crying,” Taako added uncomfortably when he returned from investigating. “Yeah, she for deffo sure knew the Raven.” All three of them glanced over to the car and back at each other.

“You figured out the Raven thing?” Magnus offered, pushing him towards the car. Taako didn’t budge. He was a self-proclaimed ‘fucking expert at repression and all that good shit’, so, yeah.

“I’m… nope. Not my cup of tea. Not it. Maggie?” Magnus looked similarly lost. He was the most emotionally available of the group by a long shot, but that translated to shouting and hugging and other such unsubtle things that weren’t exactly helpful all the time? But that left…

“I’ll do it,” Merle sighed, trying his very best to seem exasperated. The other two looked at each other, then back at the old man. “Do you have a better idea?”

They did not, and now Merle was rapping on the window of the car. Wow, roles had reversed from his teenage, or rather, most of his adult years. Hurley looked up to wave him away, but then she saw it was him and reluctantly unlocked the doors. Merle plopped into the passenger’s seat. There was a moment of expectant silence as she looked at him with red-rimmed eyes.

“Well? What do you need?” Her voice was very carefully steady, and Merle absently wondered if she had practice. Poor kid.

“I don’t know, I just wanted to give you a moment to collect yourself. It’s kinda shitty of me to bust in here and grill you, don’t you think?” Merle fumbled over his words. It’s been a while since he’d had to comfort someone any more than some vague yet helpful(?) advice. Hurley just scowled.

“I know good cop-bad cop when I see it. I’m literally in the police. Which one’s next, the big one or the shady one?” Okay, this will be harder than I expected.

“There’s no routine, I promise! No tricks, no nothing. God knows we’re not smart enough for any of that. We’re just trying to do our jobs, really.” Hurley narrowed her eyes at him and he swallowed.

“I don’t have to tell you anything. You’re vigilantes, I should arrest you. Leave this one to the police.” Oh. There’s the play.

“You should tell us because we’re not official and all. You can’t very well go after the Raven by yourself, and I know you want to, but if you insist on going through with it, people are going to ask questions. And maybe it makes us idiots, but we won’t butt into any of your shit if you don’t want us to. My guess is that the police won’t be as forgiving as we’d be in catching her. We don’t want to hurt her.”

“How do I know that?” Hurley hissed, then froze. “Oh, I mean…” Merle’s gaze softened. “That’s not what I…” Okay, now or never, old man.

“I’ve done my research. Your Sloane, she’s a burglar, right? Never hurt a person in her entire career until now. You and her? Good people, as far I can see. So she stole a little bit from some rich people? Whatever. We all get stuck in positions and not everyone can help their walk of life. What I’m saying is, the police won’t have the same mentality. We know it’s not her fault she’s like, well, you saw. And we can help you if you let us.” Merle held his breath. “Please?”

Hurley broke the stare first to squint into the distance. They sat in heavy silence for a moment, then she sighed and leaned back.

“Tell your friends to get in the car.”

-

The outskirts of Goldcliff were known for being a shithole. As they passed the dusty streets and makeshift homes, Taako let out a wry laugh.

“Looks like home,” he muttered to himself. Well, that wasn’t concerning at all. Merle made a mental note to subtly bring that up later. Finally, they arrived at a large, albeit janky garage. Hurley pulled into a discreet side door, letting them in. The interior was much nicer than the outside, all fluorescent lights and half-built projects.

Now, if Goldcliff was famous for one thing besides the gold, the cliff, and the shitty outskirts, it was the illegal drag racing/bloodsport ring. The worst-kept secret of the city, the only reason it wasn’t completely stamped out was that the rich, high-up citizens themselves often indulged in watching the deadly races.

It was simple to connect the dots when the half-made projects were revealed to be cars.

“I assume, since you’ve done your research, you know about the Raven’s side job as a racer?”

“Raven and the Ram, reigning champions,” Taako rattled off. Hurley retrieved a box from under a table. There were two masks in it.

“We were… partners.” The weight she put on that word was enough to force all the breath from Merle’s lungs.

“You’re a cop. That’s… illegal?” Magnus offered. Hurley fixed him with a stare.

“So is dating a burglar. We didn’t hurt anyone. That was our rule, no deaths. Just racing. And then, well, you saw.” Merle winced in memory. “I don’t know what changed.”

“This is a classic ember case, isn’t it?” Taako offered. Hurley made the how-the-fuck-did-you-make-that-static-noise face, but they collectively decided to save that for later. “Well, not to worry, she’s just been possessed by a power in a set that we’ve been tracking for a while.” Taako winced the moment the words left his mouth. “Yeouch. That was rough. Can we redo that?”

“No. I want to know what I’m getting into.” Hurley took a shaky breath, then dropped the box on the table beside her. “Alright, I think I have an idea. The last time she was racing, she went all out, doing all that… vine stuff. I know Sloane, she’s not the kind to go out of her way like that. I think that she wants to know that there’s something more powerful than her right now.”

“We can’t fight her,” Merle started, but Hurley shook her head. She grabbed the edge of a cloth-covered thing in the middle of the room and pulled it off revealing the sleekest, coolest car any of them had seen. Now, Merle didn’t know much about cars, but even he could tell every feature screamed power, especially the giant steel ram horns fixed to the front. Hurley had a dangerous glint in her eye.

“We’ll race her. I can beat her in a race with your help, I know it.”

“I’m gay I can’t drive,” came tumbling out of Taako’s mouth before he could help it. Hurley just gestured to herself.

“My girlfriend and I are literally champion drag racers,” she deadpanned. “I don’t need you to drive anyway. I don’t trust you bozos with my baby. You,” she pointed at Merle, “will man the projectiles. Your job is to slow people down and slow people down only .” Taako gave her an uneasy thumbs up. “Magnus, you’ll be the jumper. That means you jump out of our car to slow other people down or keep other people from jumping onto our car.”

“What the fuck is this sport.” Hurley ignored Merle, pointing at Taako.

“You’re going to be our onboard mechanic. I know you don’t know cars, but you’re not the idiot you pretend to be. Just zap things with your pretty light magic when they get broken. You can do that, right?” Taako scowled at her tone but nodded at her. “Now, three superheroes can’t very well be seen be doing all this illegal stuff, so…”

“Animal masks?” Magnus squeaked a little too happily. Taako shook his head.

“Nope, you’ll be too obvious. Plain hoods or smooth masks would work. We should also pretend we don’t have powers. Too identifying.”

“Oh, also, since you’re here, I need a favor.” Hurley tossed them a racing flyer plastered with bikers and shark insignias. “This is a rival gang that stole a really, really, really expensive car part from me last week. I want it back. And I know,” she cut the boys, “you could probably just buy me another one. It’s a matter of principle. Don’t murder anyone. See you later.”

-

“How did we get here?” Merle whispered to Taako. They were in mechanics uniforms, ducking under a window where the majority of a drag racing gang was, listening in as Magnus bullshitted his way into getting everyone under a car jack.

The long answer included knocking at least two people unconscious because ‘what are they going to do, go to the police?’, throwing a guy over a cliff, and stealing the face of a person. But before Taako could even get to the knocking people unconscious part, there was a crash and Taako and Merle jumped into action. Chained in the corner was a hulking, hairy figure in a helmet, who grabbed at one of the people with his limited grip and slammed his head down into the ground. Merle ran to free the man, dodging the assailants. Magnus had at least three people pinned under the car lift and was fighting four more, all of whom had tasers. Taako cracked his knuckles cooly.

“I want that.” A bunch of very cool moves this author doesn’t have the authority to describe, their foes lay unconscious and in horrible, horrible condition around them. The now-not-chained guy looked up from where he was on the ground, helmet broken off. Everyone collectively froze, and before the trio could move the man bolted. Taako looked at the others.

“Was that Klaarg?” he squeaked. Magnus glared at him.

“Okay, what did you do to him?” Taako scrambled back.

“Nothing, why are you asking me that?” Magnus glared at him more. “IjustdidanunethicalishexperimentonhisbrainwhereItriedtotrasmutesomeofhisbrainactivitytoconvincehimtolikemeandthatmighthavehadsomerepercussions?” Magnus gave him a concerned look.

“What kind of repercussions?” Taako gave a weak shrug. “Taako, I--”

“Hey, is this the part Hurley was talking about?” Merle held up what looked like a fancy engine part. Taako and Magnus both gave him varying looks from where Magnus had Taako pinned, and he gave a weirdly parental sigh. “Just leave it for later guys. Let’s go.” Magnus let Taako go, and Taako rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, Dad .” The three walked out of the lair, stretching out and kicking unconscious bodies out of the way.

“Ah shit, we weren’t supposed to kill anyone.”

“We didn’t kill a bunch of people, really, minimal body count! Not our most lethal mission!”

“Yeah.”

They walked out of the complex. The few people milling about at this time took one look at the three of them emerging, bloodstained mechanics uniforms, completely unharmed, and holding a duffle bag, from a notorious gang hideout, and wisely left. They walked side-by-side through the neighborhood.

“If we did have animal masks, what would you choose? I would want a bear mask, but I already have a bear mask.”

“An owl. They’re… wise.”

“Ha! Right!”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’d want to be… a mongoose.”

“Oh my god.”

“Stop laughing!”

“You’re kidding !”

“I’m not! Let me have layers! Mongeese are so cool!”

“You’re such a nerd.”

“ Dad ! Magnus is being mean!”

“I’m sorry kid, that’s pretty stupid.”

“They’re impervious to poison! They kill snakes!”

“Okay, no need to get upset.”

“...”

“I’m sorry, I’m just imagining you with all the little teeth and everything I just…”

“Fuck you.”

Chapter Text

It was a hot night, as Goldcliff nights often were. The three boys were wearing the mechanic's uniforms they had stolen from the Hammerhead’s, shark insignias hastily ripped off, and surgical masks. Taako had painted the remainder of their faces with black and blue swirls. They were, generally, unrecognizable. The car growling under their seats, the lights glinting off of the metal, the crowd roaring in the distance, all of it had anticipation sitting heavy in their stomachs. Hurley was seemingly unaffected by it all. If anything, it seemed to spur her on. She sat in the front seat, clutching to the steering wheel with a daring smile on her face.

“Any last words?” she half-joked. Before any of them could answer, a horn blared and they were all lurched forward with the car.

Magnus had to admit there was a rush to this, speeding through the dust clouds with the crowd cheering and watching other cars hurtle past. Then he saw an orange glow and a wave heat behind him, and five horns blared.

“What’s that?” he yelled over the cars.

“Every horn means a team was just taken out!” Right. Bloodsport. “Don’t forget to watch out for jumpers!” Just as Hurley yelled that, Magnus whirled around to see someone leaping from a nearby car. In a knee-jerk reaction, his fist met the man’s face, sending him flying off the car and back into the window-shield of his car, sending it spinning away. Magnus winced at the blood on his hand, and the subsequent horn blew.

Right. Bloodsport.

Just as he settled back, a very, very large car came barreling towards them, with seemingly no intention of stopping. Hurley punched the gas, and Magnus leaned back at a nearly impossible angle. The car simply trampled over the back end of their car, so close to Magnus’ face he could feel the rumble of the motor in his jaw. Hurley must have built the car well, because it simply sputtered a bit and moved the slightest bit slower. Just slow enough that the giant car passed them, though. Taako was already clambering to the back to fix the car, but another car was creeping in behind them.

“Hey, big guy! Duck!” Magnus complied just as three thorns flew past his head and through the window of the big car. Behind him, the metal of Hurley’s car popped back, smooth and unwrinkled, and Hurley boosted ahead as the big car crashed down on the one behind them. Two horns blared.

Before they could catch their breath, there was a horrible sound of something piercing metal, and the passenger door was suddenly ripped away into the dust beside their car.

Taking Merle with it.

“What the fuck !” Taako yelled, and without a second thought, Magnus jumped into the cloud of dust. As he did, the dust cleared to reveal… really?

The car was massive and had a trailer behind it. The trailer showed off a glass tank filled with water, in which Merle was sealed.

“ WHAT THE FUCK ?!” In his surprise, Magnus’ fingers nearly missed the side of the car. He scrabbled on just in time, clutching to the side of the tank. Merle was desperately pounding at the sides of the tank, vines flopping weakly against the glass. Another claw shot out from the side of this clusterfuck of a car, this time latching onto the side of Hurley’s car. Hurley just kept driving, albeit the car shaking dangerously. Magnus grabbed the wire with both of his hands, bracing himself against the car, and tore it in half. The claw broke away from the car, and the movement sent Magnus’ elbow into the glass beside him. The tank shattered, glass pieces flying behind them, and Magnus grabbed Merle before he could fly away too. They both clung to the vehicle.

A laser shot out from the other car, hitting the front wheel and shaking the car vigorously. Yet it still kept clunking along.

“Hurley! Get closer! We’ll jump!” Magnus bellowed. Hurley went for a hard right, and Magnus launched across the gap to hold onto the side of the car. But grabbing onto the car let Merle slip out of his grip and away, into the path of their vehicle.

There was a breathless moment where Merle, wet and limp, grabbed at air.

Then his empty grip was filled with shimmering, rainbow hair.

Merle opened his eyes, nearly falling off of the horse in surprise.

No, not a horse. Merle, jostling along at their speed, was riding a translucent, two-horned unicorn.

Magnus looked down, and Taako’s arm was outstretched, a look of shock on his face. He turned to Magnus, who could only imagine what expression was on his face. He just created a binicorn ghost. How? Why?

“What’s his name?” Is what Magnus found tumbling out of his mouth. Taako blinked slowly for a moment, then a wide smile spread under his mask.

“Garyl!” He yelled back. Then there was no time to talk because Hurley made an even harder right and then they were slamming into the claw-vehicle. It sprawled away, and then Hurley jerked the wheel and they were racing forward again. There was a big crashing noise, and three more horns sounded.

“How did you do that?” Magnus yelled.

“I- Well, the kid realized that there wasn’t a limit to what I could create! I can create nearly everything. I mean, it’s draining the more unrealistic it is, but I can!”

Merle was still staring down at shock.

“Kid?” he yelled into the car. “This you?”

“His name’s Garyl!” Taako yelled back. He looked like a kid in a candy store, and Magnus could feel the latent nerding out he wanted to do from here. And he had to admit it was super, super cool. Hurley was whooping in the front seat, just yelling ‘Fuck yeah!’ over and over again. There was another car behind them, and Magnus jumped on it, making quick work of the passengers. Taako already smoothed over the damages. They’re doing pretty competently!

“Hey, it’s those guys!” Magnus whipped his head around and there they are, filling a speeding truck. The Hammerheads.

“FP, no!” He turns back to look in front of him, where his teammate has just been knocked out of the car by some other group. Magnus rushed to jump for him, but Taako’s too far, and it’s too late, and…

Like a tennis ball, Taako was grabbed out of the air by a hulking figure and stuffed into the sidecar. It zoomed by on his motorcycle, slowing down just enough to see who it was.

“Klarg, my man!” Taako looked a bit hysterical, clutching onto the vehicle with a white-knuckled grip. The giant man’s eyes were glassy, and he smiled brightly.

“Taako! Are you okay?” Taako just gave a shaky laugh. Understandable. He did just almost die.

The Hammerheads took that moment to speed up right beside Hurley’s car, a few jumping on. Magnus jumped out of the car he was in and back onto the car, but Hurley appeared on the roof before he could and took them all down in a series of clean shots. The car Magnus was just on veered and crashed, causing another horn blasting and some really cool backlighting for Hurley. Magnus looked up at Hurley in awe.

“Shit. What are you doing driving?” Before Hurley could answer, the whole car shook.

The car had the new addition of a giant spear affixed into the back, connecting them to the Hammerheads’ car. Above them, the announcer rang out.

“Interloper! In the black motorcycle! Get out or we will shoot!” Klarg just laughed and dodged the ensuing spray of bullets. Taako was not as carefree.

“Don’t worry, Taako! I’ll keep you safe!” Klaarg yelled back.

Merle ran at the car that knocked Taako down, but the car sideswiped Garyl to the side. Merle jumped onto the car just as Garyl was caught under the wheels and dissipated. Taako jolted in front of Magnus. One of the riders stabbed Merle in the shoulder before he could get up.

Magnus couldn’t even think of retaliation before he felt the car being jerked backward. He looked at the Hammerheads. They were reeling them in . He reached down to loosen the spear, but the car jerked and he nearly fell off.

“Anyone got any ideas?”

“Hold on, Maggie, I got a good one!” Taako said something to Klarg, and then the motorcycle drifted backward enough that they were in jumping distance of the Hammerheads. Taako clambered in between the front of the motorcycle and Klaarg, and then Klaarg was jumping onto the truck. The spray of bullets tracing Klaarg followed and the truck was caught in the crossfire, spiraling and smoking away. Then Taako sped forward on the motorcycle to the car Merle was on. “Hey, fuckers!” With two discreet shots with his umbrella, both of the passengers slumped forward. Merle was already stumbling to his feet, hand over his shoulder.

“It’s way more shallow than it looks!” Merle shouted, but Taako flicked his hand at him and the wound closed. Merle climbed into the passenger’s seat, pushing the unconscious driver out and taking the wheel.

Now there were four vehicles left on the track: the car Merle was driving, Taako and his motorcycle, Magnus and Hurley in her car, and, right up ahead, the Raven.

She was in a sleek, shiny black car that screamed cool and fast. It glided at a near-impossible speed, glossy coat seemingly untouched by the dust around it.

Magnus wasn’t really a car guy, but it was beautiful.

Taako was speeding ahead, grinning widely. Merle veered over and jumped into the passenger’s seat of Hurley’s car. A horn blared as the car he was in crashed somewhere behind them. Raven’s car was still just too far off to reach, even with Hurley hunched over the wheel as she was. Taako sped in front of them, trailing right behind Raven.

“Can’t drive, my ass,” Hurley muttered to herself, but her smile was wider than ever. She flicked a switch on her dashboard, and a panel flipped revealing a big, red button. Merle and Magnus’ eyes nearly popped out of their heads. “You boys want to--” She didn’t even have to finish her sentence before they were slamming on the button with both hands. The car just kept speeding for a moment.

Then they were all thrown back. The crowds and passing road smeared to a blur as they were shot forward like a car-missile. It was only ten seconds, but after the car jerked to normal racing speed the Raven’s car was right in front of them, Taako right behind. Hurley crawled forward, slowly gaining ground, until it seemed that Sloane hit her own big red button and shot forward a precious ten feet. Hurley’s car was lagging now, tires squealing against the pavement.

By now the finish line was in sight, a small stripe at the edge of the cliff. There was a group of cars and people huddled around, including what Magnus could recognize as undercover police vehicles.

“Goddammit,” Hurley grit out, trying her best to speed ahead.

“I got you!” Taako yelled, then sped forward to Sloane and thrust out his hand. There was a white flash, and right before he disappeared Taako slammed on the emergency brake. Then the dust cleared, and they were hurtling past a shell-shocked woman in leather on the motorcycle. In front of them, Sloane’s car swerved, steadied, then fell back a bit. Hurley sped up a bit, and then they were neck-in-neck with a smug Taako driving Sloane’s car.

Scratch that, Taako was trying to pull ahead . Magnus smiled and jumped onto Sloane’s car, sliding into the shotgun seat in an admittedly cool movement.

“Dude!” Someone shouted from the other car.

“I want to win!” he yelled back. Hurley punched forward, Taako inched a bit more, such forth, such forth.

Hurley raced across the finish line a fraction of a second before him. The two cars slid to a stop right at the edge of the cliff. There was a moment of breathless silence, where it was just the heat of the desert and the adrenaline racing in their veins. Then the crowd exploded, a giant roar that nearly knocked them off the cliff. Confetti rained down around them, pooling at their dusty feet and sticking to their sweaty skin. Captain Bane walked out of one of the totally-not-police-cars and gave them a secret thumbs-up.

The victory was short-lived, any sort of celebration cut short with the rumble of a motorcycle approaching.

“Sloane!” Hurley yelled, but Sloane didn’t slow down. “Sloane, stop!” Thunder rumbled in the distance. The crowd stirred up louder as she showed no signs of stopping, just barreling past them and the police and the finish line and then straight off the cliff. All was silent for a second.

Then everyone near the cliff’s edge was thrown back with a force that buzzed through the air. When everyone finally stumbled to their feet, the first thing they noticed was the tornado that had risen up from the canyon. It was kind of hard to see anything else past that, so they mostly focused on the tornado.

Then a gasp ripped through the crowd, and Hurley’s mask was cast aside as she ran to her car.

“Lieutenant?” Captain Bane fumbled out, but she was already in her car, revving up. The boys locked eyes, and in unison, they all clambered in after her. Hurley was crying again, but this time in an angry, desperate way that made her movements jerky. When she saw the boys, she waved them away.

“I’ve asked too much of you, you guys- you guys don’t have to.” Magnus gave her his best blank stare.

“No, I just forgot my wallet, I’m not going with you. Of course I’m going with you!” She stared at him for a moment, then burst into teary laughter.

“Yeah, this is kind of our job? Also, you’re chill and we don’t want you to get hurt. But also we will be fired if we don’t,” Taako bounced back. Hurley let out a laugh-sob and turned back forward.

“Alright. Hold onto your butts!” She backed the car up a few paces, and before any police people could stop her, she slammed on the gas and drove straight off the cliff and into the storm.

They fell for a moment, but the wind caught them out of the air and sent them spinning. Hurley whooped as they raced around the tornado, clutching to their respective butts. As they flew, they caught glimpses of Sloane in the eye, completely consumed in a column of thorns. Sloane was shadowed by a giant silhouette of a woman made of thorny vines, scratching at the air.

“She’s stealing my thing, guys! Plats are kinda my thing!” Merle yelled.

“Guys? Can you tether us or something? We need to get into the eye!”

Magnus grabbed the harpoon fixed to the top of the car and threw it into the column with all his strength. It shot out and snagged on some vines, pulling them closer every time they spun around until they skidded close enough that when Magnus snapped the wire they landed on the leafy surface. Sloane was now almost entirely covered in thorns, screaming into the sky.

Magnus rushes in first, tearing through vines until he gets to Sloane inside. She looked terrible, so consumed by power it shone painfully through her veins, and she snarled when he approached. He socked her square in the jaw.

She laughed and then waved her hand, sending flying out. Taako was desperately shooting at the thing with his finger guns, little fires that were put out with little bits of rain. Hurley had run back to the car, digging through the back, before emerging with Taako’s weird umbrella.

“Hey, Flip Wizard!” She tossed it at Taako, who caught it deftly and flipped it around to aim at the vine monster.

Magnus could already tell this shot was different than the others. Light shot up Taako’s arm, as it usually did, but when it went through the umbrella it grew intense, hot . And then there was a blinding flash of light and searing heat and then the vine monster was just gone , ash blown into the tornado. Taako slumped forward a bit after the hit, clutching at his arm.

“Woof, that was, that was a big one,” he panted out.

“ Impressive ,” Sloane laughed, and then vines started to crawl over her again, this time with the addition of silver-tipped thorns. Merle held Magnus back before he could rush forward again.

“Silverpoint thorns. Deadly poisonous. Don’t touch.” Hurley turned toward them, something cold in her eyes and a bag on her shoulder.

“I’ve got a plan.” She looked at Merle. “Okay, can you make a leaf-bubble around us? Like, so if we fall, we won’t die? I need it for the plan.” Merle furrowed his brow for a moment and leaves sprouted around their group, encasing them entirely in vines.

They didn’t realize she was backing away from them until she dove out of the hole in the bubble right as it was about to close, running at Sloane and yanking something out of the bag.

It was the expensive thing they had stolen from the Hammerheads the other day, now glowing a bright, neon blue. She was still diving for Sloane, who paid Hurley no mind. Merle didn’t have time to react before the bubble was closed and then they were blown back.

-

When they wake up, they’re in the middle of Goldcliff, sirens wailing in the distance. They are sitting in a shallow pool of water, and there is a warm light next to them.

Sloane is sitting, looking tired but not possessed, Hurley in her lap. Her mask is off, and her eyes are welling with tears. Hurley shifts, and then Sloane’s tears make sense.

Her entire right side is consumed with silver black lines, curving under her skin. Silverpoint poisoning. But she smiles up at Sloane.

“Someone’s in trouble , ” she sings. Her voice has a weak bite to it that makes everyone wince. Sloane is clutching to Hurley, tears dripping off of her face, but she makes an effort to smile back.

“You did it, babe. You saved everyone.”

Taako is leaning against Magnus, so obviously drained. His eyes were wide, and his jaw had a hard set to it.

“I can- I can fix it.”

“You’re dead on your feet,” Hurley coughs out, and she’s right. Taako doesn’t look like he could walk over to Hurley, let alone stop the poisoning. Sloane looks over at them.

“Don’t let this happen again.” The hard tone in her voice clutches at their throats. Hurley’s breath is getting shallower, and Magnus has never felt more useless. Sloane’s face softens, and she stoops her head to whisper something in Hurley’s ear.

“Yeah, I like that.” Sloane starts to glow again, softly this time. Then, like a bubble bursting, there’s a flash of light.

Then there is a flurry of pink. Cherry blossoms.

The wind drops, and the petals drift down, and in the middle of the puddle, there is a giant, beautiful cherry.

At the base, there are two vaguely humanoid outlines, a taller woman holding a smaller one, and on the gnarled roots there rest two masks. A raven and a ram. Next to them is that small, glowing ember, which flew into Merle’s pocket. For a moment, the world was silent as they stood under the tree, staring at the two masks.

And then there’s the screeching of tires and the wail of sirens, and they turn away.

-

The three of them sat in Captain Bane’s office, an air of solemnity choking out any of their usual goofs as they explained what happened. When they’re done, Bane sighs and leans back.

“She was a good one, too. Welp, at least the job got done, right? How about a celebratory drink?” Before they can even answer, Captain Bane is pouring out three glasses of brandy and sliding it to them. He was sweating. A lot. All three of them looked at each other, and in silent agreement, pushed the glasses away.

“Uh, we’re good,” Magnus offered.

Apropos nothing, Captain Bane slammed his hands down on the table, sending the drinks sloshing. His eyes were wild, consumed. All three of them jumped up, weapons drawn, but he froze.

Jerkily, he picked up a glass, downed it, turned purple, and keeled over.

“What the fuck just h-- What the fuck?!”

Before any of them could react, a hum reverberated around the room. In front of them appeared a figure in front of them, draped in red.

Magnus, of course, socked it. Well, he tried, but really just stumbled right through it and slammed into the wall behind it. The figure floated, unaffected. Magnus growled and leaped for it again, but he found himself caught with vines. Merle guided him back to the ground.

“You can’t punch ghosts, idiot,” Merle muttered. Magnus stuck his tongue out in retaliation. The figure waited, floating there. It was almost familiar, but not too familiar.

“What do you want?” Magnus growls. He also ignored Taako’s comment on how cliche he was. Then, rumbling from everywhere, a voice slid through their ears.

“Are you afraid? ”

“I mean, everyone gets scared someti--” Magnus slaps a hand over Merle’s mouth. The figure gestured down to Captain Bane.

“This is the true nature of man. The hunger. It consumes everything. This is your first lesson.” A breeze blew through and out the window, and with it, the figure. Magnus couldn’t help feeling like he just lost something.

Chapter Text

“Our sources in the Goldcliff Police report the latest supernatural case has been solved by none other than America’s favorite superheroes. More on this later…” The Director flicked the TV off, staring at the three boys. She was not smiling.

“What’s the problem, boss? We got the ember, nearly no one was killed, and we got some good publicity for it!” Merle was unceremoniously draped over one of her chairs, oblivious to the tense atmosphere in the room. Lucretia took in a breath, head clasped and held to her lips. She pointed the tips of her fingers to the boys. 

“Well, first of all, while your body count wasn’t as bad , you somehow managed to leave behind a mess so big it makes Phandalin almost look manageable. Second of all, you’ve somehow killed our main source into the Goldcliff Police Department, which had made ‘getting some good publicity’ leagues harder than it should be. And finally, what is the point of you three being superheroes if you keep attempting stealth missions? ” The Director was standing now, her best I’m-not-mad-I’m-just-disappointed look leaving them all almost… humbled? They all visibly swallowed in near unison. It was almost impressive.

“Well, for one thing, we didn’t kill Captain Bane?” Magnus tried. 

“Yeah, the red ghost dude did!” Taako chimed in. 

The Director, to say the least, was not consoled.

The Director had ticks. She raised her voice. She got exasperated. They had seen it all, really. But this was the first time any of them had seen her truly staggered. She was frozen, eyes wide, a hundred indecipherable expressions flashing over her face. And, if they were really paying attention, they would have seen the sheen of unshed tears glaze over her eyes.

“M-Madam Director?” Like someone flicked a switch, she composed herself into the icy statue that she seemed to be in her portrait. 

“I will give you the benefit of the doubt this time, but listen to me. If you ever come across one of these ‘red ghosts’ again, don’t say a single word to it. Just run. You’re dismissed.” 

The three’s already killed mood stabbed once again, they all shuffled out of the room. 

“Oh, I’ve nearly forgotten. There is a new recruit outside of the Void chamber I think you three should meet. You might find him familiar.”

-

The walk to the Void chamber was entirely silent all the way up to the elevator.

“Oh shit! The Red Robes!” Merle yelled, interrupting the tinkling elevator music. 

“What?”

“The Red Robes, they’re the ones that made the ember!”

“Oh! The red ghost dude is-- oh !”

“Shit, this makes way more sense now.”

Ding ! The three stepped out of the elevator. 

Then they were almost shoved back in by the tiny ball of force that slammed into Taako. 

“Hello sirs!” The three looked down. There, smiling as brightly as usual, was the Boy Detective himself, Angus McDonald. Taako’s face lit up, an expression he quickly smothered for a forced disinterest that didn’t fool any of them, including the psychic. 

“Good to see you, Agnes,” he muttered. Magnus, always enthusiastic, tried to clap Angus on the shoulder, which most likely would have killed him if Angus hadn’t stepped out of the way.

“How are you, kid?” Magnus shouldered on like he didn’t just nearly crush Angus’s whole arm. Angus followed suit, still smiling.

“I’m well. Oh! If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the new recruit! Angus McDonald: World’s Greatest Detective and Informant to the Bureau of Balance!”

“Aren’t there like, child labor laws?” was Merle’s contribution. 

“I’m a very good detective, sirs. It was only a matter of time before I nearly figured it all out. The deal originally was they would either have to pay me or risk me exposing everything I knew, which was enough to incriminate them. But Madame Director thought I would be a good resource to have at the Bureau’s disposal!”

There was a beat of silence.

“Also, there are no laws in space!” Taako’s attempt at nonchalance melted at that, and he held his hand out for a high-five.

“Hell yeah!” Angus happily delivered on the high five, looking quite pleased with himself. Hell, he probably earned it. 

Magnus and Merle weren’t as delighted.

“Did you seriously… blackmail the government?” Angus’s smile turned unnerving.

“What’s the use of finding out government secrets if you can’t extort some money out of it!” Magnus was frowning, face scrunched up as he processed the weight of Angus’s words.

“You could have been killed for that! That’s dangerous!”

Angus shrugged, still smiling. “They sure tried their best!” 

Before they could unpack all of that, they were interrupted by shouting down the hall, getting closer. 

“Lucas, you can’t--” Johann’s droopy voice was somehow just as sad as usual while still conveying total exasperation. 

“No, I’ll take this all the way to Lucretia if I have to! I want to know everything about the Void, and if you’re not willing to provide that information, then I’ll…” The snivelly voice droned on, squeaking with rage. It was unfamiliar to the boys, as was the face it came from, which was getting rapidly closer. He was a decidedly square-ish person, clad in a sweater vest under a lab coat and thick-rimmed glasses. Great hair though. Johann was trailing after him, looking torn between wanting to stop the nerd and not wanting to put the effort into walking fast.

“Jeesh, who’s the nerd?” Magnus muttered. Angus’s eyes flashed, and he marched over to the nerd.

“Hello Mr. Lucas Miller!” he piped, holding out a hand. Lucas nearly didn’t see him in time, tripping over his feet so he didn’t run the child over. He looked down in confusion. 

“Who’s kid is this?” Angus was undeterred, hand still outstretched. 

“I’m Angus McDonald, Boy Detective and Informant for the Bureau of Balance! If you have questions about anything, I’m the one to ask!” Lucas squinted down at the small child for a few seconds, then looked up.

“Is this yo-- Oh shit, you’re the heroes! You’re pretty high up, aren’t you?”

“Guilty,” Taako replied. “What was all that about the Void?” Johann finally caught up, looking ruffled.

“Don’t ask, please,” he begged, but Lucas was already talking. 

“Look, I just need permission to move the Void to my lab to study it for a bit! Let me figure out how it works , how it ticks !” His voice had a bit of an intense pitch to it at the end, enough to make it just a bit creepy. Behind them, Johann was furiously shaking his head and mouthing his dissent. 

“Sir, I’m actually higher up than all of them, so y--” 

“Kid, I don’t know who you ar--” Angus’s eyes flashed and they all took a step back. He was still smiling. “Shit, wait are y--”

“Psychic? A bit!” Lucas stumbled back, sweat beading at his temples. Well, that wasn’t suspicious in the least bit.

Magnus tried diplomacy.

“Listen, I’m sure you don’t mean it like that, and I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but we don’t super have the authority to do that, so…” 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can’t do that, dude,” Taako bluntly cut in. Lucas’s face got incredibly red, and he spluttered his way over to the elevator. 

“Y-yeah? Well, I’ll jus--”

They were interrupted by a low note spilling from the Void control room. They all whirled around, Johann included.

“Uh, that doesn’t usually happen?” Johann whispered. Lucas rolled his eyes.

“That’s why I think that we should research the Void further! This could mean it’s about to murder us all and we wouldn’t know!” It was probably a valid point, but everyone was too caught up in running down the hall, leaving Lucas to splutter on his own.

The Void was the same as they left, spiraling computers and lights filling the room as it blared two more notes, then four. Johann was scrabbling around under a desk, emerging with some sheet music. The Void stopped, then repeated the tune again. Johann scribbled on the sheet music, brow furrowed. The five of them stood in the light of this giant being, entranced as it bellowed out a simple tune. It was calming, almost, the way it pulsed and hummed in the darkened room.

Then the spell was broken and the thing screamed . 

They were all nearly knocked back by the force of it, the way it sent pain shooting through their brains, terrible, anguishing pain. 

Then it was gone. 

They all stood up, stretched out, looked around. The Void continued to hum on as usual. No one was hurt more than a little sudden drowsiness.

“What the fuck ?”

-

Angus McDonald subscribed to the theory that mysteries were all about details. From the muddy smears on the sidewalk in the case of a missing cat to the peek of silver on a nice man’s shirt on a mind-erasing conspiracy, Angus could attribute many a solve to the details.

He knows when something feels off. And when something feels off, something is usually being hidden. And when something is being hidden, that means there’s a mystery.

So when he gets that feeling when he first talks to Lucretia, he doesn’t disregard it. He starts collecting details, and like any good detective, makes a crime board with lots of red string and blurry pictures. It’s like scrapbooking, really. In a way? 

It was Tuesday, his crime board day. He gets up bright and early and gets out his adult-person scissors (He made the switch from craft scissors when he knew he was ready. He knows his limits.) and a ball of yarn and makes a whole production of it, complete with his special crime-board playlist. He starts with the small ones, little jobs that are far too easy to solve, and circles them to post the militia or his clients about on Wednesday. Then came the harder ones, then the cold cases, and finally, he can get to his biggest board yet.

The Bureau Board. It was a behemoth of a board, entirely made up of details with nearly no solid proof. His favorite kind. He sorts through his notebook for the relevant details and cuts them out, careful to give it a deliberate jagged edge for Maximum Crime Board Aesthetic ™, and pins them on the board. 

Lucas Miller is hiding something big: unethical science to an unforgivable degree??? was looped around to a few other points, the most prominent being the founding of the Bureau and Lucretia.

the agent assigned to the Tres Horny Boi’s living quarters is gone (source: Taako via offhand comment): nicknamed ‘Pringles’ which was linked to, among other things, someone broke into the Bureau of Balance (source: Lucretia via Bureau meeting) and Red Robe causing the death of Captain Captain Bane through manipulation or perhaps possession via poisoning (source: mission report) .

lack of knowledge pertaining to Void , an old one on his board, made a new friend with Void began blaring a simple seven-note tune that I will glean from Johann later with a pause between the first three notes and the last four notes, followed by a screaming sound that really hurt my brain. there were no other signs of the occurrence reflected on the Void’s performance afterward

There were a few more minor notes about Garfield wanting blood from Magnus and the Rights of Remembrance, but that was nearly all of the notes for this week. Almost disappointing. 

Angus stepped back from his crime board, quite proud of himself. It was crowded, not cluttered, and he patted himself on the back for the organizational prowess it takes to do such things. Then, of course, came the quintessential part of the crime board: the connection of the proverbial dots. He blinked, then stared at the board as a whole. (The details were only important if they made a bigger picture.) 

He felt like he was very close to somethi… to somet… to some… He shook his head. To so… 

Why was this feeling so familiar? Why was his head so fuzzy? Like it was filled with static?

Static.

He scribbled something onto a scrap of paper, not taking his usual care to rip it and slap it on the board before stumbling forward. There was a sharp pain, and then he was better. Better. Well, that wasn’t entirely true because that would there was something wrong with him. Nothing happened. 

(Later he would find something marring his beautiful crime board. It was an entirely out of place, entirely unconnected scrap of paper hastily attached to the middle of it, reading: VOID STATIC AFTER INOCULATION (SOURCE: OW)

Chapter Text

The thing about being a superhero is that without villains, you’re nothing. It’s simple math. If the level of threat the crime brings doesn’t require the level of power the superhero does, you’re just an asshole in a cape shoving in front of the police. 

That’s how the Director explained Lucas Miller. 

“We need him,” she sighed, staring down her desk as if it would save her. “Lucas is the only one with the skill and… creativity to create ‘villains’ for you to fight while we locate the other embers.”

“By ‘creative’ do you mean sick? Feral? Far too into torturing us on live television?” Taako shot back. Merle was busy batting Magnus’ hand away from his bandages, but he threw a ‘yeah!’ in for good measure. 

“You understand you have to look good , right? Lucas is… not my first choice, and he can get overzealous, but you must admit he does his job.” Lucas did his job, alright. He nearly killed them at least twice a week. Lucretia started, then sat straighter. “Wait, why am I explaining myself? I’m your boss. Deal with it. Out of my office, now.” The Tres Horny Bois turned to leave.

“Whatever, boss, just tell him to tone it down,” Merle said, groaning as he got up. 

--

Lucas did not tone it down. 

“I’m Hodge Podge, your learning friend! A correct answer will be rewarded! An i̶̢̞̟̫͇̥͑̈̌̀͊̒̑͘̕̚͝͝n̶͎͙͙̤̱̫̫̽̐̈́̓̅̓c̷͉̪͈͈̿̎͆̏̈́͌̊͂͑͌͘͝o̷͓̯̺̬̐̐̈́͝ŗ̶̛̝͇̝̙̈́̓̾̈́̑̽͂̓͛̂͘̕͝ṟ̵̛͍̹͕̏̾̉̽͆̈͠ẽ̸̢̯̺͍̬̮̹̪̜̆c̶̜̻͎̃̉͆͐̃̔̽̂̇͘͠͝t̶̼̖̗̹͂̎̊͐̒̄̒̈́͝ answer will be P-PU-P̵̖̮̩͝U̷N̸̓̅̋Ȋ̶̛̈S̶̥͕̖̄H̴̛̏̀͒E̸̖̙͑͊͊̈́̇̒̏̾̋̓̈́͜͜͠͝D̷̡̮̳̅”

Magnus dodged another blast of fire from the small robot. They had been fighting him for a good hour, garnering a crowd as they danced around the thing. “I’m done! I’m done! I’m going to kill that little--!”

“The cameras are here, big guy!” Taako sang, waving at the onslaught of paparazzi. Then he turned away to hiss into his comms. “Lucas, I will turn you into a nerdy statue if you don’t tell us where the stupid weak spot is!” 

“Sorry, boys, L-- I mean, the Director says to draw these things out, and I thought, well, what if it was indestructible , and, and--”

“ Miller .”

“Sorry!” The fire stopped for a moment. The thing straightened its upsettingly adorable head. 

“I-It’s time for round five~! Try to s-stump Hodge Podge!” it chimed. “Ask me any question I can’t answer, and you will be ä̸͋̃ĺ̶̢̬͙̦̦̖̝l̶̐̉̓͛ő̸̈́͐͠w̷͍̩̟̪̹͖͔͙̹̓̅͐͌͊̋̒͘̚̚e̴̡̧̩̬͙̱̣͚̭͇͙̫̻̿͆̈́̒̀d̴̡̢̛̬̠̙̻̻̻͈̐͜ͅ to leave! If you can’t, then, a-a̵̱̞̼̻̺̺͌͛͒̍lķ̶͎̳͉͔̟̈́̾͆̒̄̍̈́͐̔͜'̵̨͇̻̫̻̫̗͋́͆́͋̏̐̌̌͝͝ͅl̷̨̧̢̢̟͎͖͎̯̈́̆̂̾̈͌̎̉̓͗͝j̶̡̗̙̃ķ̶̛̺̺̖͍̞͇̿̿̇̈́̏̓͊͛͗̈́̚͜---” another burst of fire nearly fried Merle. 

“What’s the question?” Magnus whispered into his comms.

“Ask it who--” static suddenly whined through the system, cutting Lucas off. Taako twitched, resisting every instinct to not to throw the comms out onto the ground for all the cameras to see. 

“Uh-uh! Cheating’s not ve̷̞̭͉͔̿͋̂͜r̵̆̆̽͑̋͠y̷̾ ̸̒̽n̵͑̐̉͐͝i̵̿ce̴̎̉̀́̂͘!” Hodge Podge’s head tilted a little too far. “No outside help, kiddos!” 

“Fuck,” they all said in tandem. Hey had gotten very good at cursing quiet enough the cameras couldn’t catch it. Taako tried to send another line of molecule-tearing magic ahead, but Hodge Podge twisted and burned, and the magic dissipated. 

“Anyone have any ideas?” Merle asked. The three rallied in their mandated formation, for the cameras. 

“--are we sure we can trust them? We don’t know anything about them!” a reporter said in the background. Taako thought for a moment.

“Oh, shit, I know!” he chirped, then held his hands out. He had enough energy left to color the snow and ash in the air to frame him flatteringly. “Who do we work for?” he asked the thing quietly, then batted all the colored particles forward to look like actual magic. 

Hodge Podge’s screen-face glitched out for a moment. The head swiveled. “Who-Who-Who Ẃ̵͗͝h̸͆͗͊̔ỏ̸̄͐͠ ̸̧̗̘̯̓̓̅͗d̶͆̊o̴͆̂̈ ̴̃͐̈̈y̶̐͌̾̃͝o̸̍̌̈́--” The head spun faster, fire spitting out of its body. The crowd stepped back a bit, and Magnus, the idiot, stood in front of it to catch the damage.  

Then it stopped. Something in it sparked. It straightened. “That’s easy.” 

It crumpled up and melted. 

The crowd cheered, reporters training cameras on them. Merle pulled himself away from scolding Magnus to pose for the cameras. 

“I’m going to kill that kid,” Merle said through his smile.

“I’ll second that,” Taako said. 

“I’m-- I’m back on the comms, guys.” Lucas had the gall to sound offended. “You beat the thing, didn’t you?”

Taako didn’t have time to formulate a snarky response, because then there was the pop of gunfire, and the crowd screamed and dove. Taako reacted before he could think, lashing out at the air and sending power out.

Three peppermint bullets fell into the snow in front of them. 

“Lucas!” Magnus gasped out. “That’s unacceptable!”

“Th-that wasn’t me!” Lucas squeaked on the comms. Taako didn’t pay him any attention. He was following the skyline, scanning for their assailant. Sirens screamed close by. 

“That’s our cue,” Merle groaned, bracing for the Bureau’s pick up. They were all snatched into a cloaked floating orb, so all the crowd saw was their heroes disappearing, but not before Taako caught sight of a dark figure dashing away. He only got the smallest glance under his hood. 

It was just grinning bone. 

-

bird boy: A work thing came up

bird boy: I can’t make it

bird boy: Sorry

me: r u coming?

me: oh just saw ur texts

me: cool

me: deal w ur bird emergencies

Taako totally did not care that Kravitz was blowing him off for his birds. He gets it, he had to jump out of many a date to deal with like, a robbery or something. Like, those are actual emergencies. Where people might die. And Kravitz works in an atrium. 

But Taako doesn’t know about birds. It might be a life or death situation. Kravitz might be doing a dramatic bird surgery at that moment. God, he would look good in scrubs.

Taako shook his head. Okay, subconcious, I have to draw a line somewhere. No one looks good in scrubs unless you're on a shitty soap opera.

Kravitz would.

It’s not like they’re dating . They just go on dates. And sometimes Taako thinks about him and smiles for no reason and researched ravens because Kravitz likes his birds so much.  

“Hey, that smells good,” Magnus said, bounding up to the kitchen, but froze when he saw Taako. It was an unspoken rule around the house that Taako didn't do more than the microwave. Taako stopped dissociating and looked down. 

Oh, right. Macarons. He was making macarons. Fuck, how could he zone out while baking? Didn’t he learn his lesson last time? What if something got knocked in, or someone slipped something in, or--

“Bud, are you… okay?”

Taako’s head snapped up, a smile stretching back onto his face. “All good, my man.” He was going to have to throw this batch out. Whatever. They were for Kravitz, but he wasn’t going to see him now, so it doesn’t matter. He has time. “Why are you asking me if I'm fine? I’m not the one that jumped in front of a full flamethrower.”

“Merle fixed it up,” Magnus said, stretching out. “Plus, I think I have super-healing. Which marks me at one more superpower!” He gestured to the whiteboard in their living room, where they kept track of who had the most superpowers. Magnus was in the lead, but only because they decided “jump real high” counted. Magnus could jump real high. He swiped at a macaron, but Taako snatched them away. 

“No! Not for you,” he hissed. “They’re a bad batch. I have to make them again.” 

“It tastes fine to me.” Horrifyingly, he heard chewing behind them. He whirled around to stare at Merle, eating a macaron. Panic shot through him. He slapped the cookie out of his hand onto the ground. 

They all watched it fall pathetically to the ground. “Now, why did you do that?” Merle whined. Taako could barely hear it past his heart beating in his ears. Merle looked fine, upright, grumpy. Fine. He looked fine.  

This was dumb. Taako took a deep breath. “Are you sure?” Maybe it's a slow-acting poison, something treacherous in him whispered. Shut the fuck up, he internally whispered back. 

“Uh, yeah! It was until you tossed it on the floor!” 

Taako scowled. “Whatever, old man! They weren’t for you!”

Magnus immediately leaned over the counter, waggling his eyebrows. “Oh yeah? Who were they for ? Maybe for a certain guy?”

“Nobody,” Taako sniffed. They wouldn't be as good if he saved them for the next time he saw Kravitz.

He was thinking about Kravitz again. He deftly squashed the butterfly-feeling in his stomach. This was casual. It had to be. He doesn't do this anymore, just trusting anybody, because then he'll be on the floor eating ice cream and crying over a boy, and Post-You-Know-Who Taako isn't about that life. This Taako isn't the dumpee or life-ruinee. He's the dumper and the life ruiner. Wait. No. Scratch that. God, Kravitz is making his metaphors stupid. He's in too deep. 

He started to package them up. They would work as presents, at least. “For Secret Santa at the Bureau,” he decided. 

Merle and Magnus traded a Look. “Uh, I thought you had a date tonight?” Magnus asked.

“Yeah, something like, ‘I won’t hang out with you losers . I have a hot date!’” Merle pitched his voice up in a mockery. Taako smacked the top of his head for the terrible voice. 

“Work came up. He’s doing bird CPR.” Which he didn’t care about at all. Magnus’ eyes softened anyway

“Oh, buddy.” Taako didn’t stop Magnus from scooping him up in a hug. There was the sound of a horn honking outside. Magnus dropped Taako and rushed to grab his bags. “That’s our ride!”

--

Taako sat in the corner, watching the general chaos around him. Usually, he would be the main culprit behind it, but he had not mentally prepared for a whole party full of people. So here he was. Miserable and lonely in the corner of a work Candlenights party. What fucking fun. 

He handed out the little packages of macarons to whoever walked up, holding them all in a bag as far as he could from his hands so he doesn’t transmute them by accident or something. Taako tried not to be sick when he saw people eat his cookies. 

Don’t freak out during an office party. Not a good look.

He was fully aware this wasn't New Taako at all. This terrible wiggly ache was back, the same one that came up whenever he hung out with You-Know-Who, and every one before that. A question, whispering in the back of his head.

Did work really come up?

The super special thing about Kravitz is that he doesn't doubt himself as much when he was with him. His shoulders didn't tighten and he didn't feel like throwing up after everything he said. Kravitz was a dork and he was fantastic and he made Taako feel good enough. Boyfriends never feel this way with Taako. It was only this good with--

Taako knew how this would end. 

...But Kravitz wouldn't do that. He was too good for that. (He's also too good for me, his terrible anxiety supplied).

Magnus and Merle bounded up, clutching a package between themselves. “We have mail !” Merle cheered. Taako clung to the distraction, feigning interest.

The package was nondescript, wrapped in the regular tacky paper and labeled, neatly, Tres Horny Bois . 

“How did we get mail? It’s space.” Magnus ignored Taako and ripped the package open in a single tear. Inside was a small, little box.

Taako picked it up gently, cracking the lid open. It was a patch, some colors on it. Some strange runes.

Static buzzed inside. It was-- It was-- It--

“Taako, these cookies are fucking amazing,” Magnus gushed, stuffing all three of them into his mouth. Carey next to him nodded fervently, skin flashing blue as she ate. Taako only knew her because she could jump higher than Magnus, which is an amazing feat and he respects her for it.

“Of course they're amazing,” Taako scoffed. “I used to do that shit for a living.” 

Carey’s eyes widened. “Oh shit. You’re Taako. Like, from TV!” 

“Like from TV,” Taako echoed. “I-- I didn’t know you watched cooking shows.”

“I don’t, but it would always be, like, the first thing on motel televisions,” she said. Taako gave a weak laugh. 

Any more awkward conversation was brought to a halt with the pinging of the PA system. Everyone looked to the Director, who was stuffing cookies in her mouth. They all turned back to the PA system.

“Lucretia," Lucas' voice rang out around the room. Those who recognized it looked confused and/or angry. "Having fun at the party?” 

The Director straightened, then glowered at the PA system. 

“Lucas, I am your boss , you may not refer to me as-- What are you doing ?” 

“I can call you whatever I want, you screwed my mom on the regular!" The look on the Director's face turned from mad to murderous. "I have a new idea. I think it’s really interesting,” he continued on as if he didn't just drop a fucking bomb. His voice was strangely calm, not the sniveling mess it usually was. 

“There isn’t one scheduled right now,” Lucretia ground out. “We are going to have words.” Everyone in the room winced simultaneously.  

“This isn’t about them . Not everything is about them ,” Lucas sneered. 

“Everything is about me,” Taako called out, to the cheering of his friends. Lucretia, in the middle of the crowd, was typing furiously at her phone looking suddenly panicked.

“Oh, Taako, this is beyond you,” Lucas sneered. “This power is beyond anything I’ve studied before. You’ll see what I can do now-- oh shit !” The message crackled out. Then it crackled back in. "Lucretia, I--"

In the ensuing silence, Lucretia walked to the front of the room next to the screens. Eyes followed her. No one said a word for their own safety. With a click, the screens displayed a concrete warehouse in the middle of some plains, snow swirling around it. 

“Avi, prepare the jets. I’m sorry, but the party is over.” The video of the building flickers, or something. “This is Lucas Miller’s lab, and if I’m not mistaken, then…” 

The video wasn’t flickering. The building, along the edges, was changing. 

It was turning pink. 

“Lucas Miller is, in a cruel twist of irony, our newest target,” On the screen behind her, the pink was spreading, jutting out in some places. The sand around it was changing as well, pink creeping across the plains. “He has the same power as our member Taako, being that he can change the molecular composition of things. The only difference is that whatever he turns doesn’t stop there. It will spread to everything the changed object touches, and so forth until it spreads to civilization and turns everything and everyone as well. Leon, take the boys to the protective suits.” She pointed to Carey and Killian. “You two, accompany them. Go.” 

It was a rush after that, everyone speeding to their stations and suiting up and such. Once the boys were all dressed up in their suits and rocketing off into space, the tourmaline was creeping in a small radius around the building. 

Taako was fuming. “I can’t believe the gall of this little shit. This is my shtick.”

“Sloane had my power,” Merle offered, but Taako brushed that off.

“Sloane was chill . Lucas is a nerd!” 

Magnus and Merle shared another Look. Taako was getting fucking tired of that shit. “Are you mad about Lucas, or are you mad about something else?”

“What are you talking about?” Taako asked. “And don’t you fucking dare look at each other.” 

The rest of the ride was done in silence. 

The snow started to swarm thicker around the windows of the plane. There were a few muffled curses from the cockpit, which is definitely something one wants to hear in a plane. 

“Everything good up there Avi?” Magnus called. 

“One second,” Avi yelled. “Shit, the storm wasn’t supposed to get so bad. We’re cut off from the other plane. Get ready to jump!”

The three of them started. “What?” 

“Weren’t you listening earlier? We can’t make a landing and risk the plane and me, so you’ll have to jump!” The plane jostled. “Strap in, boys!” They scrambled to get in positions that would not end in their untimely deaths. Avi was having too much fun in the front seat. 

“Are we there yet?” Merle asked.

“I think!” Avi hollered, then pressed a button.

“You think ?” And then they were plunged into cold darkness, snow spinning around them as they fell.

Magnus grabbed onto both of them as they fell, curling around them and bracing for landing. There were a few heady moments of rushing nothing, then there was a crunch, and they jolted straight out of Magnus’ grip. 

The view was strangely beautiful. Pink gleamed under them, piles of crystalized snow around them, a beacon in the endless black. “We’ve landed!” Taako shouted into the comms. The wind rushed in their ears, muffling any response they got. With a definitive crunch, Magnus knocked a hole in the ground below them. 

With some clambering, Taako dropped into the cavern.

After all the noise outside, the silence in the crystal cavern was deafening, as was the intense light blinding. The only noise was their boots clinking against the pure crystal floor. 

“Lucas?” MAgnus called. The noise bounced around the cave. There was no response. 

“That’s right, big guy, alert everyone to our presence,” Merle grumbled. Magnus just stuck his tongue out at him, pressing it up to the glass of his helmet. Taako scoffed at both of them and looked deeper into the cavern.

It was perfect, and pink, and completely empty. 

There was a great crash, and a shadow stretched over Taako. He turned around.

Chapter Text

Magnus nearly fell over taking in the enormity of the thing in front of him. It was so tall that the top of its crystal head scratched the top of the cavern. It glittered as it moved, joints creaking with every ground-shaking stomp. Its hand was as big as a full person.

It looked like a giant pile of Himalayan salt and Magnus needed to know if it was, now . 

“I need to lick that right now,” he said, rushing forward. A vine curled around his waist, pulling him back. 

“Stop it! Bad!” Merle admonished. Magnus let the vines pull him back to give him a running start to an unnaturally high leap. He made it all the way up to its shoulder, grabbing onto a loose crystal to swing around and bring his elbow down, taking an arm with it. The golem roared, nearly slamming Magnus to a pulp against the wall of the cavern.

Magnus broke off a piece of the crystal and popped it into his mouth. He promptly spit it back out.

“Plegh! It’s not salt!” He had jump far enough away that he couldn’t see the others, but he knew Taako was rolling his eyes. 

“You can’t just do something like that, big guy! It’s invasive.” Taako tugged off his glove and held a hand out. “Hey, thug, what’s your name? I’m about to tentacle your dick!” 

If a golem could do a double-take, this golem did a double-take. It couldn’t do much more before the stalactites around its head melted into a writhing black mass that tugged down, enveloping the whole of it. Its arms waved about in a futile effort. Taako grimaced and twisted his hand, the tentacles slithering across the creature. 

“Shit, okay, how do I make this not hentai?” Taako called.

“You’re the one that chose tentacles, FP!” Magnus teased. The golem struggled, clawing at the tentacles around his face.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” came booming out of the unmoving, crystal mouth. 

Merle heaved himself to his full height (it wasn’t much). “Buddy, where do you want us to start?” Vines burst out of thin air, wrapping together to form the shape of a giant woman, with a giant sword. She swung it, plant matter meeting perfect stone.

The sword cracked. Plant matter broke apart across its chest, curling into every crack, every scratch, worming into the crystal. The golem stumbled back, drowning in roots and tentacles.

With a final snap, the thing shattered into pink dust. 

Magnus was sure he saw a figure in black in the midst of the remains, but when he wiped the glittery grime away from his eyes it disappeared. 

It was probably nothing. 

“That was cool! ” Magnus cheered, lifting Merle onto his shoulders. Merle smacked at his arms, but Magnus didn’t budge, doing a lap around the cavern before putting him down.

Taako scowled. “Hey, shame him for tentacles too!”

Magnus scooped Taako up after he secured his glove back on. “Hey, bud, you were cool too!” Taako hung limp in his arms like a very angry ragdoll. Merle, now set down, stared at the pile of crystal rubble.

“Did the Director say that Lucas’ power brought things to life?” he asked. Magnus did a full-body shrug, dropping Taako in the process.

“It’s probably, uh, science. Because science,” Magnus said. Merle nodded along solemnly.

“Science,” Merle echoed.

“Science,” a third voice that Was Not Taako’s chimed. 

It took them a moment, but they all got around to spinning into fighting stances. Floating a foot off the ground was a smiling woman. She had empty, white eyes, and her skin was a patchwork of plastics and metals, none of it human. On her neck, there was a number stamped: NO-3113. She waved a hand.

"Hello." They didn't move. Neither did she. "I'm Noelle!" she said, undeterred. “And you are Magnus Burnside, Merle Highchurch, and Taako!” More silence. she pointed at her neck. "Clever, right?" 

"Who are you?" Magnus asked. 

Noelle stared at him. "I'm Noelle!" she repeated. 

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Magnus sighed. “I meant, uh, I mean--”

“How did you get here?” Taako asked, cutting him off.

“I--” She paused, eyes going a little dim, then straightened. “This is my superpower! I am half-robot, and I can evolve every day! I came here because Lucas needed help, and I am very helpful!” She spun in the air, then settled in front of the trio. “Do you three need help?”

“Noelle, can you tell us what happened?” Magnus asked. “With the crystals, I mean.”

“Don’t touch them!” she chirped. “My friends learned that the hard way!” Noelle, Magnus decided, was a little creepy. She zoomed past them, inspecting the leftovers from the golem. A magnifying glass sprouted from her back, securing in front of her face. “Sometimes things like this happen, which is why I’m here! To help! I heard all the noise down here and decided I should take a look.” She spun around. “But you did the job for me, it seems!”

“Do you know where Lucas is?” Taako asked. “It would be helpful if you told us.” She lit up at the word helpful. Magnus had officially crossed over from creeped-out to concerned.

“I know where he is at all times! It might take a while to find him, due to the conditions, so it’s best to just follow me!” 

The rest of the halls were the same, all crystal and pink. Magnus was starting to get a headache by the time they got to a crystal-encrusted door. 

“This next hall has lining made of the same material as your suits! Make sure you don’t bring any crystal inside, or you’ll contaminate the space!” They all brushed themselves off before passing through.

Magnus found himself blinking blue spots out of his eyes, still dazzled from the constant luster of tourmaline. The shiny, white walls weren’t much of a relief, but he would take any reprieve given to him. Taako was still ranting about the audacity that Lucas had to have to copy him, that he had to wear this suit that rendered him useless, etc. Magnus had a sneaking suspicion that Taako wasn’t just mad about Lucas, but he wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. 

Magnus sprung to attention. There were the sounds of thumping and some muffled curses from behind one of the doors. It was nondescript, a plaque on it reading Hugbears , and a faded outline of another plaque, long gone. Magnus could barely make out the words Ma reen M ller. The name sounded familiar, but he couldn’t place it. Like deja vu. 

“Who’s in there?” he asked Noelle. 

“The Killgores! They’re also live-in helpers! They do the domestic work, everything not in the labs. They’re all wonderful people!” Numbers buzzed across the screens of her eyes. “In fact, there is a shortcut to Lucas’ location through their quarters! Follow me!” 

She knocked once on the door, and it flew open, revealing a giant, hulking man, covered with hair. He looked scary. Actually, he looked like--

“Klaarg?" Taako said, quietly. No one heard him, save Magnus. Taako pretended to be all big and unmovable, but they knew he beat himself up about fucking with that guy’s brain. 

“Oh, Noelle!” In an instant, the man’s threatening composure dropped, and he was instantly a big, cuddly teddy bear. “Sorry, we just had some unwanted guests. Come in, come in! Who are these guys?” Magnus let himself be ushered in. Now that the guy was relaxed, he didn’t look so scary. He looked huggable, even. 

“This is Magnus Burnsides, Merle Highchurch, and Taako.” There were four of them, all big, beefy people. 

“Hiya, I’m Aaron Styles! This is my father, John Cook, my wife, Jamie Green, and my daughter, Christie Killgore. Do any of you want a cup of tea? Or a hug?” the man He barely finished the offer before Magnus was jumping to meet the guy halfway, in what might have been the most supportive hug he’d ever been a part of. 

“Hugbears,” he heard Merle mutter. 

“We had unwanted guests?” Noelle asked. Magnus noticed her cup of tea was empty, but she brought it to her smile and paused as if she was drinking from it. 

“Yes, two women. One was very strong, almost strong enough to beat us," Jaimie said, flexing an impressive bicep. “We had them pinned. The other one, though. She was slippery.” 

Magnus blanched. Team Sweet Flips.

Carey and Killian worked on the east side of the country, while Tres Horny Bois worked on the west side. They were probably more effective than Magnus, Merle, and Taako. They kicked their collective asses nearly every day in training. But they didn’t have flashy powers, and usually went for the ‘in and out’ approach. As the Director said, it’s all about how people think of you. Nonetheless, the media adored them and had dubbed them ‘Team Sweet Flips’. 

“So they’re okay?” Magnus asked. 

“I wouldn’t think so,” Christie said. “They’re out there. We got the alert to stay inside, and we tried to tell them, but…” she gestured around at the cozy room. There were overturned plants, broken dishes, some overturned furniture. “What is happening out there, anyway?” 

Noelle launched into a disconcertedly cheery explanation, still pausing every now and then to lift her empty teacup to her mouth. Magnus looked from her to the ‘hugbears’. Their smiles were warmer, but just as fixed as Noelle’s, and they had a strangely familiar glassy look to their eyes. Magnus leaned over to Taako.

“Hey, is it just me, or is this weird -weird?” he whispered. 

Taako nodded vaguely, then turned to the youngest one, Christie. “Hey, how did you all get to work here? Asking for a friend.”

“Oh, well, Lucas found us. We were sick, and he made us better, and now we work here. We used to be just awful , you know, but Lucas really turned our lives around.”

“Do you know a Klaarg?” Magnus asked before he could stop himself. Taako squeezed his arm in a painful belated warning. 

Christie didn’t seem to mind. “I have an older brother named Klaarg, in fact. Why do you ask?”

“Just… I think we know him. I was just wondering since this seems like a family business, and he’s not here,” Taako said haltingly. 

“Oh, that makes sense,” she said, the smile still not falling. “Yes, he did use to work with us, but there was a lab incident and he stopped being pleasant and started being awful again. Lucas tried to make it better, but Klaarg ran off before he could. And he never visits, either.” 

“A lab incident made him aggressive?” Merle asked. He turned to Taako. “Maybe that’s why he started going bad? Because the same incident hit him?” 

“No, it undid Lucas’ work. We all used to be like him. Now we’re pleasant . We’re better .” Christie was still smiling. 

“What are you paid?” he asked.

“Oh, this is more of a thank you gift. We would never ask that of Lucas,” she said.

Before they could unpack all of that, Noelle floated into a standing position. “Well, thank you for this tea, but Magnus Burnsides, Merle Highchurch, and Taako have to find Lucas, so we best be on our way.”

“Aw, well, thanks for stopping by, Noelle. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. And you boys are welcome any time!” Aaron went in for another hug, and Magnus reluctantly returned it.

--

When they crossed into the next, crystal-free hall, Noelle chattering on about the building plans or something, they all looked between themselves. 

“Should we--”

“We should--”

“Did the Director--”

“I don’t think--”

“A little far--”

“Yeah,” Magnus sighed. They all solemnly nodded. They had joked, of course, about Lucas’ being a creepy nerd, but he had seemed like an okay dude. Secretly, Magnus had been of the opinion that he was one incident away from becoming an actual mad scientist. In reality, it seemed that the tipping point had come and gone long ago. 

He was vaguely aware of something happening behind him. Someone speaking, Merle agreeing with him.

Magnus was so lost in thought that he didn’t realize there was no one behind him but Merle until too late. 

There was a shattering noise.

“God? Fuck!” Merle yelped. Magnus whipped around, cutting a crystal shard in two before it hit him straight in the chest. The pieces of crystal that fell around him were already starting to creep across the hall, bright pink. Merle was on the ground, a crystal stabbed through his sleeve. The area around it was crusted over with tourmaline like blood crusting around a wound, already spilling up to the shoulder.

Magnus was swinging before he could stop himself. 

The crystal had already spread across the floor, so Magus swung the unconscious Merle over his shoulder and charged down the hall after Noelle and Taako. Magnus looked at his handiwork, then promptly looked away.

“What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck ,” Taako chanted as they ran. 

“Oh dear, that looks like quite the wound,” Noelle said mildly. “Lucas is right ahead. He’ll be able to fix you right up.”

Merle revived just to cough out a “Don’t let him near me!” before promptly passing out again.

“What was I supposed to do, just let him turn?” Magnus asked. Taako looked back to make a snarky comment, but caught sight of Merle’s lack of an arm and gagged too hard to speak. After what felt like too long, they finally reached another set of sliding doors. 

The crystal spreading was right at their heels, so Magnus grabbed Taako and Noelle and dead-sprinted for the last few feet, pivoting to slam the door shut. 

“What-- What are you guys doing here?” a sniveling voice asked. 

Lucas. 

Magnus swatted at him in warning before placing Merle down on a nearby operating table. Up to then, he had been working on instinct. But now that he had time to think, time to look at Merle, bloody, chest rising weakly, it reminded him too much of something else. Of a sunny, boisterous, curly-haired something else. On a table like this, except her arm was there, it was her stomach, all bloody and open. Weakly breathing, but there was something fierce in her eyes.

He wasn’t able to do anything then. 

Magnus didn’t have powers, then. He didn’t have help.

“Help,” he said. No one moved. “ Help !” he said again, and Lucas pushed ahead.

“Not you,” Taako said, pulling him back. 

“Do any of you bozos know what to do for an amputation?” Lucas sneered. Noelle perked up.

“I do,” she chimed. 

“She does,” Magnus echoed. He let Noelle float to the table, then grabbed Lucas by the lapels and slammed him against the wall. “What the fuck , Miller?” he growled. 

“Wh-what do you mean?” Lucas managed. Magnus slammed him against the wall again. 

“The crystal? The hugbears? I don’t know what’s going on with Noelle, but I bet it’s not good, either, huh?”

“I-- the Killgores? How did you--? N-never mind.” Lucas started to sweat. “Uh, which question did you want me to answer?” 

“The Killgores. What did you do to them? Why didn’t you mention Klaarg?” Magnus asked. Lucas’ face twisted up in nervous confusion again. God, Merle was so much better at this interrogation stuff than him. 

“The-they-- I rescued them. I- I was just trying out some new technology, and I found these people, Magnus, their living situation couldn’t have been improved at all. Aaron used to be a killer, like Klaarg. I just wanted to see if I could erase aggression, and so I planted some tech in there to make them more docile.”

“More docile ,” Magnus said bitterly. “This is, by definition, slavery, you know?”

Lucas winced. “Well, actually--”

“Choose your next words wisely, Lucas.”

“Look, I promise I’ll give you a full tour later. It’s just--” His eyes darted to the side. “I have this new-- well, not new. My mom had invented it, and I--”

“To the point,” Magnus growled.

“I could replace Merle’s arm if you just let me go,” Lucas offered. “My mother was working on some technology for a vigilante security company, so it’s not mine. I’ve just been refining it.” Magnus hesitated. Then he slammed him against the wall again. “Ow! Shit, you don’t have to keep doing that!”   

“If you do anything to Merle,” Magnus started. 

“Yeah, yeah, grievous bodily harm and all that.” Magnus placed him down, and Lucas scurried to a nearby table. After some digging, he emerged with a small vial, then hurried over to where Noelle was cleaning up the wound. “Noelle, record this,” Lucas said. Noelle’s face flipped around to reveal a camera lens. “Grow-Your-Own-Arm, Take One, Test Subject: Merle Highchurch.” 

By the time Magnus realized that this was a bad idea, Lucas was injecting the liquid into Merle. Merle started to convulse. 

“What did you do?” Taako asked, but Lucas just looked on clinically. 

“Don’t worry, just wait a moment.” Against better judgment, they did, and then a full branch shot out of Merle’s arm. Magnus screamed. “You might want to look away if you’re squeamish,” Lucas said. He was scribbling notes furiously. Magnus forced himself not to, to watch the branch form itself into a stump, then one with a palm at the end, then five fingers. They wiggled once (gross), then went limp. 

Merle woke up.

“Guys, I just had the weirdest-- What the fuck is that ?” 

--

After they calmed Merle down, Magnus happily relinquished his interrogation to him. Lucas was strangely cooperative. Capital-V-Villains-As-In-Ember-Holding-Villains were always erratic, impulsive, deranged. Lucas was always erratic and impulsive and deranged. But this Lucas wasn’t. He was nervous, sure, but he didn’t seem hostile. Not even normal Lucas hostile. He just answered questions and walked them through his creepy lab.

“Should I have told Lucretia that I found the ember of transmutation? Uh, probably. But she would just destroy it.” He shook his head. “I don’t get it. We could eliminate them as a threat much better if we could just understand them!” Noelle handed him a glass of water, which he took a small sip of, then handed back to her. “So I tried it out. In a contained environment,” he reassured. “I didn’t come into contact with it. I used robots to manipulate it, but you can see the outcome hasn’t been ideal.” Magnus snorted at the gross understatement. 

He heard a distant crash. Then a not-so-distant crash. Then an even closer crash. Then there was the sound of a small explosion and Team Sweet Flips came bursting through the door. 

“Freeze!” Carey and Killian said in unison, holding out their guns. They were so much cooler than Tres Horny Bois. Lucas put his hands up.

Magnus beamed. “You guys are okay!” He tried to scoop them into a hug.

“Magnus,” Carey hissed. “Why are you not detaining Lucas?” 

“He is detained,” Magnus said. “We’re interrogating him.”

“Yeah,” Lucas snarked. Carey hissed at him.

“Restrain him and get the ember ,” Killian said. 

“I don’t have the ember ,” Lucas shot back. Everyone paused. 

“Shit, why didn’t we ask that first,” Taako asked. 

“I just got my arm cut off! You can’t judge me!” 

Carey hesitated. “You got your arm cut off? Woah, it’s like, wood now! Killian lookit!” 

“So you were interrogating him?” Killian said through gritted teeth.  

“Oh! Right!” Merle cleared his throat and turned back to him. “What was the breakthrough you were telling Madame Director about?” he asked.

Lucas perked up at that. “Right! So, I was thinking, this is ‘magic’, so if it goes against basic scientific laws, then could it go against the basic laws of reality? In layman’s terms, could I create something that supposedly doesn’t exist?” He looked so proud of himself that Magnus almost didn’t want to ruin it. 

Taako, on the other hand, had no qualms. “Dude, I figured that out months ago. During the Goldcliff incident.” 

“You never filed that in your reports,” Lucas snorted. 

“Why the fuck would I fill out paperwork?” 

“What’s your proof?”

“I made a spectral binicorn,” Taako said. Lucas turned back to discredit him some more but was just met with the beautiful eyes of Garyl. 

“Oh.” Lucas stepped back, looking hurt. Taako dismissed Garyl with a wave. Then he flipped him off. “Okay, well, while you were making unicorns--”

“Binicorn,” Magnus, Taako, Carey, Killian, and Noelle all chorused. 

“Accuracy is important, like you always say,” Noelle chimed. Lucas groaned, flopping onto a chair.

“I like this one,” Killian said. 

“I’m Noelle!” Noelle said.

“Let me explain !” Lucas growled. The room fell silent. “Thank you. So, as I was saying, I thought, if I did it right, I could fix The Problem. You know, the one everyone wants to solve."

She loved sunflowers, and beat him at arm wrestling, and her eyes were fierce when she was on that table--

“Death,” Magnus whispered to himself. 

Lucas nodded. “Death. Can I get a sample?” he asked, hand poised to reach across the table. Killian nodded. “Okay, well-- Hah!” Lucas slammed down a lever.

Magnus’ knees buckled, the world tilted, and then he was pressed to the ground. He tried to push himself up, there wasn’t anything above him, but the weight was there nonetheless. Lucas cheered, dancing around them. 

“You idiots ! Who do you think developed those suits, huh? Really thought I was gonna just spill all my secrets, huh ?” He straightened himself as he walked out of the room. “Playing the villain, monologuing. I guess Lucretia was right. It's all about how people think of you.” 

Magnus fought against the forced gravity, but nothing was working. He could see the others struggling in their suits too. 

“I’m. Gonna. Kill. That. Nerd,” Magnus ground out. 

“I’ll help,” Carey said. 

Beside him, there was the sound of brittle wood. Magnus tilted his head to watch Merle, the only one not struggling at all. His arm shivered, then sprouted a leaf. Then another. Then a stem. Then a branch. Magnus watched the middle finger of his wooden appendage grow, and grow, and grow, and curl until it was wrapped around the lever Lucas had just pulled. 

Merle tugged. Magnus sprung up, nearly hitting the ceiling. Carey matched his height and they did the regular mid-air fist bump as they soared back down. Taako had his mask off, untangling all the dangly bits that knotted together in the struggle. 

Noelle pulsed red. “Intruder. Intruder. Intruder.”

“Noelle, it’s just us,” Magnus said, but Noelle moved right past him, looking out at the rows of messy tables.

The light went off. 

Magnus scrambled into a fighting position. The only light was the blinking alarm from Noelle’s face, pulling them out of darkness just to plunge them back into it again.

Off. On.

Tables, glowing tubes, wires.

Off. On.

A figure rushing toward them.

Off. On.

The grinning face of a skeleton. 

Off.

The sound of gunshots, the glow of magic, something falling to the floor.

“Backup system, activating!” Noelle chimed, and the fluorescent lights slammed on again. Taako’s arm was outstretched, mask discarded on the floor, two paper bullets on the floor in front of him. Magnus heard the faintest rustling above him and turned to the ceiling.

It was a Figure dressed in black, holding a sniper rifle with a shining blade fixed to the top. The figure, Magnus was now realizing he did not hallucinate when they were fighting the golem. 

Under his hood, he was nothing but an empty skull. Magnus could see right through the eye socket to the back of the skull. 

“Up there!” Magnus yelled, already leaping to snatch at the skeleton. It darted away, flipping through the rafters and firing behind him. All the bullets caught uselessly in the armor of his uniform. The one that, somewhat ironically, Lucas designed. 

In the chase, the skeleton missed a step and went tumbling down into the lab below. Magnus leaped after it. 

Miraculously, the thing landed on its feet, holding the gun up in front of itself. Taako was the first to advance, throwing a hand out. The skeleton aimed.

It paused.

“ Taako ?” 

That voice sounded familiar. Like…

Taako froze. “Kravitz?” 

Chapter Text

-Two Weeks Earlier-

Taako didn’t stay over. He hated mornings, hated how he looked and how long it took for him to get up, and if he was truly intent on wooing someone he would leave before sunrise and spare them. But it had been so warm, and he was so tired. 

Then it was morning. Taako realized it piece by piece: nicer bedsheets, bigger windows, the quiet. The arm around him, pulling him close to someone’s chest. His mind went racing on instinct. 

He had to get out of the hold. He had to-- Kravitz had to have makeup wipes, he wore that stupid pretty eyeliner. He must look horrible, blue and purple smudging under his face. He shifted and three bobby pins fell out of his hair. Shit, shit, shit. This wasn’t good. Taako had spent a solid two hours the other afternoon to make sure that he was dewy, wide-eyed, lovely; all words that did not describe him in the morning. 

Taako nudged at the arm clutching him, but Kravitz just gave a drowsy sigh and rolled over, trapping Taako so he was nose-to-unfairly-toned-chest. It couldn’t have been comfortable for Kravitz, but the man just snuggled closer into him. Kravitz, of course, looked beautiful in the morning light, hair messy and face soft. Taako made another attempt to slide out.

There was a squawk. Taako turned to face the noise and found himself face-to-face with a beak and two beady eyes. Taako startled, flailed, and hit Kravitz straight across the jaw. 

“Shut up, Rebecca,” Kravitz sighed into Taako’s tangled hair. Something stabbed at Taako’s gut. 

“Not Rebecca,” he mumbled, already pushing out to collect his clothes and lick his wounds. Kravitz’s eyes cracked open.

“Not you. That asshole.” He pointed at the bird hopping on the bed and yelling. “She yells when I don’t wake up at the right time. But it’s the weekend ,” he grumbled at Rebecca. Then he glanced down at Taako. He felt his face flush and ducked down to hide it. 

Fingers caught on his chin. Taako couldn’t find it in him to resist, leaning into an easy kiss. When he pulled away, Kravitz was staring at him like he was memorizing his face, scanning it slowly. Taako was suddenly quite aware of the makeup drying on his cheeks, the bags under his eyes, and a million other things that made him squirm.

“Shit, sorry, you must be so uncomfortable.” The dorky Kravitz was back, drawing those arms back to himself. Taako resisted every urge to reach for him again. Kravitz’s face dropped. “I didn’t trap you here or anything, did I? I mean, I don’t know if-- I know you said we were casual so--” 

“As long as you’re cool with it, my dude,” Taako said, feigning nonchalance. He was just so considerate . The fucker. Taako twisted to get up, but he dreaded it. He had to, though. Not his bed. Kravitz sat up, stretching (his back muscles ), hair spilling over his shoulders (his shoulders ). He looked back, and he might be the death of Taako. 

“My cooking has nothing on yours, but I can make pretty good coffee. That is, if you want to stay longer.” Kravitz winced. “Sorry. I’m not very good at this. Sorry.” Taako laughed, then covered his mouth, then his whole face. It was too early for him to make his laugh nice or whatever. Kravitz was perfect in the morning, of course, and Taako was… he hid his face more. 

He felt larger, rougher hands pull at his, and then Kravitz was staring at him with smiling eyes.

“Sorry I’m so awkward. You’re just a… a vision in the morning,” he said, and the cheesy fucker sounded like he actually believed it.

Taako couldn’t move. 

He just smiled dumbly and something that made Kravitz laugh.

-Now-

“Taako, you’re-- why--?” The skeleton shifted in its joints, the way Kravitz did when he was nervous, or whenever he talked about his work and something weird, or-- It can’t be--

“Kravitz?” Taako choked out.

“‘Ain’t Kravitz British?” Merle asked, but there was no mistaking it. 

Taako barely got Kravitz’s name out of his mouth before Kravitz was running again, taking advantage of the shock to cut Killian down and deck Merle. Magnus was the first to react, grabbing Kravitz and making to slam him into the ground. Kravitz twisted, and then Magnus was the one on the floor. Magnus pushed him off with brute strength. Kraviz landed on his feet.

Taako couldn’t move. 

He just watched the fight drag on. It-- Kravitz wasn’t a skeleton, last he checked. And he wasn’t a badass. He worked at an atrium. But his voice. The grace that Kravitz had matched the figure in front of him

Work had come up tonight. 

“Come on , man,” Magnus ground out. “What the fuck?” He deflected two more slashes from Kravitz, but the third one hit.

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-- stop talking," Kravitz said. God, it’s Kravitz, isn’t it? “You have the right to remain silent. Anythin--”

“What are you doing? Taako asked, lamely. It was obvious what he was doing. Taako felt a terrible twisting inside of him. He tasted garlic. He couldn’t move. 

“You are high-profile criminals,” Kravitz said, voice tight. “You’re under arrest. Please don’t resist me, or I will have to use force.”

He didn’t notice Carey slip right behind him until she was wrapped around him. “I don’t think so,” Carey said into his ear and shot him. Point blank.

Taako felt that in his bones. He stumbled forward, eyes trained on the limp form Carey was holding.  This can’t be how this ends. Carey was asking a question, and Magnus was answering, and Carey wilted, and then she was apologizing, but Taako couldn’t focus on any of it. He wasn’t-- He didn’t know how to react. Everything was going too fast. He reached out to touch Kravitz ( Kravitz ) with a hand.

Carey fell.

There was a pain in his gut, a physical one. He was on the ground. There was a prick in his arm and his limbs felt too heavy to move. He lolled his head around to look at his arm. A dart. Kravitz stood over him. 

“You have the right to remain silent.” His voice was infuriatingly calm. “Anything you say can and will be used against you in court.” He just kept rattling off his stupid, fucking requirements, knocking them down, one by one. 

Taako felt fuzzy, everywhere, but the sharp feeling of betrayal kept him lucid enough to think. Think of how naive he was. They had been casual, but it had been too good to be true. He’d just been deluding himself, and this was the result of that. His hand twitched over his umbrella.

Why did he still trust so easily? It’s always just been us (st) him against the world.

Warmth spread along his numbing limbs. He focused inward, imagined the sedative moving through his veins, imagining it turning, dissipating. He moved his fingers experimentally. The fuzzy feeling started to fade out to a chill. Kravitz had just dropped Magnus, his back to him. Taako pushed every memory, every gold-tinted afternoon and the one, lazy morning, through the lens of this . 

Taako was on him before he could react. The motions processed through robotically: elbow, flip, bend, punch, shoot, melt, uppercut. Kravitz stumbled back.

Taako plastered a smirk on. “Come on, Bones. You know I can tire you out.” Then he launched forward. This time, though, Kravitz was prepared. Without the element of surprise, Taako was outmatched. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said. 

“I do,” Taako said back and lunged again.

It was obvious, then, that Kravitz was humoring him, because with a deft twist of his hands he had Taako pinned, holding his wrists. Taako squirmed with no avail.

He glanced over his shoulder, venom in his smile. “This is familiar, isn’t it?” You asshole. You traitor. Why the fuck do I taste garlic? Kravitz didn’t pay any mind. He just fished handcuffs out of his jacket and fastened them securely around his wrists. 

They felt as suffocating as the suits that canceled out from their magic. From the looks of it, it might have been made of the same material.  

“ This is new, though. You should've just asked if you wanted to try something different.” Deflect. Deflect. Deflect. 

“Sorry,” Kravitz said. Then he pulled out a phone and started typing.

That felt more like a punch than the actual one. 

Kravitz had been too good. They had been too good. He should have known from the start. Taako was a liar through and through. It didn’t make sense.

(Taako knew exactly why he had been so unwilling to come to that conclusion.) 

It wasn’t that he was being handcuffed. It wasn’t that he was betrayed. It wasn’t even because this had happened before, that he would go and fall in love with someone and they would go and screw him over. 

It’s that he sounded so fucking calm. 

Kravitz was supposed to be a ball of nerves when Taako so much as looked at him. He got flustered looking at his shitty morning-after face. But here he was, handcuffing him then writing a report like he was just another criminal. At least when the other one did it he had the dignity to have a psychotic break. 

Kravitz broke down his walls, wormed his way into his life, then set it all on fire, with just a ‘sorry’.

“You don’t get to do that.” What came out was almost a whisper. Taako cleared his throat, feeling flushed. “You don’t get to do that and have the balls to sound apologetic,” he said, mostly to the ground.

His pity-party was interrupted by the ringing of a phone. Taako tilted his head to look up at Kravitz bringing the phone up to his empty skeleton skull. Then he watched him walk away, out of the room. 

“Don’t move,” he called behind him. 

Sure.

Taako couldn’t use magic in the cuffs, but he’s been in this position enough before he got powers to know how to bend his wrist and tug to get out. He was resetting his thumb when Magnus sprung to his feet. 

“Where is--!”

“Shut up ,” Taako hissed, looking around for Kravitz. He didn’t appear. 

“Taako, what’s going on?” Magnus whispered.

Taako glared at his feet. “I would fucking love to know,” he grumbled to himself. 

“Why did you say Kravitz? Is he here, or…” Magnus wasn’t stupid. It was a mistake that many criminals had made. It didn’t take him long to put the pieces together. “Oh.” 

“Help me wake up the others,” Taako said. He was not going to break down. He was going to handle this like an adult. 

It didn’t take long for him to wake everyone up. Any questions about Taako’s reaction were quieted by a desperate look from Magnus. He really owed him one. 

Taako just wanted to get this job over with. Their group remained eerily quiet as they brushed themselves off, and Taako disliked how the silence felt.

He let himself wander away while everyone rallied, picking up gadgets on tables, whatever. Nothing was particularly noteworthy, considering Lucas.

Then his eye caught on a nondescript box.

A normal box looked entirely out of place in the sleek laboratory. It looked well-worn, covered with duct tape, with the words Project Phoenix just legible on the side. He glanced back. The others were squabbling about something, not noticing Taako snooping in the corner. He opened the box. 

It was filled with files (boring). Taako was ready to abandon it for the next thing when he caught the name on the first one. 

Noelle Redcheek- Phandalin

--

Back on the other side of the room, Carey and Killian were arguing with NO-3113, who was blocking the door. 

“Noelle, let us through.”

“I cannot do that.”

“It wasn’t a request .”

“Lucas has put orders in to keep you in this room.”

“Noelle, you’re chill ,” Magnus said. “Lucas is a bad guy. I know he helped you, but you saw how he was like. He’s a danger to himself.”

“Lucas has put in orders--”

“Someone deactivate this fucking robot,” Killian said, squaring up. 

Noelle stared at her for a moment. “I am not a robot. I can not be deactivated. This is my superpower! I am half-robot, and I can evolve every day! I came here because Lucas needed help, and I am very helpful!” 

Magnus rushed her. In a moment, he was staring down the barrel of a frankly obnoxious cannon. “Lucas has put orders in to keep you in this room,” she repeated.

“It would be helpful if you let us through,” Merle tried. She didn’t move, didn’t retract the cannon.

“But Lucas needed help and I am very helpful,” Noelle said. She started to walk forward, menacing in her cheerfulness. “And I will do whatever he needs help with!” The door shut behind her and a deadbolt clicked into place. Her steps were heavier than what made sense for her size.

Taako ran between them, files half-crumpled in his hands, hand glowing at his vocal chords. His eyes flashed angrily. 

“Mom’s home,” he said. Except it didn’t sound like Taako. It sounded higher, rougher. It sounded like Lucas. 

Noelle froze. Her eyes went dim. Her head dropped. 

“What the fuck is happening?” Killian asked. Taako tossed her the files, waving his hand in front of his throat again.

“Project Phoenix was Lucas’ attempt at artificial intelligence,” he said. “‘Noelle’ was just the three-thousand, one hundred and thirteenth try, and the only one that worked.”

Magnus’ face screwed up. “But she’s not a robot.”

“He programmed her to think that she was working here of her own accord so that she couldn’t rise up against him. ‘Cause he’s a creepy little nerd.” 

They all stood in heavy silence for a moment, staring at the deactivated Noelle. It seemed cruel, even for Lucas, to dangle sentience in front of her like that. 

“I’ll stay with her,” Killian said quietly, clutching the folders. “My suit’s torn anyway.” 

“I will too,” Carey said, already sorting through the files. “To keep you safe. You guys punch him for me.” 

Magnus tore through the door like it was paper, leading the pack. He looked back. Carey gave him a solemn thumbs up. 

--

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Magnus asked as they rushed down the halls. 

“What did Lucas mean when he said he was fixing death?” Taako asked. Magnus got the point and didn’t push. He went up ahead, checking every door with his ax in hand.

“Well, his mom’s dead, ain’t she?” Merle said, after a bit. 

Taako tilted his head at him. “How-- huh. I guess she is.” 

“So I suppose that he’s trying to get her back. Went crazy. From what I heard the ember’s supposed to be strong. He said he didn’t touch it directly, so maybe it was a slow burn? I dunno.” Merle was in the habit of being smart, of figuring things out, then finishing with a feeble ‘I dunno’. He stroked his tangled beard. “Only… how does tourmaline figure into it?” 

They didn’t get a chance to explore that avenue, because Magnus ripped a door off of its hinges.

They rushed over, ready to fight, but Magnus wasn’t moving. He had a big hand on his mouth, one crumpling a metal door in his hands. The first thing Taako noticed was the smell, damp and chemical, with something under it. The heavy, almost sweet smell of rot. 

He knew what was in the room before he looked in. 

Bodies, piles of them, lined up. Each was dressed in the same lab coat, turtleneck, with the same grey-streaked hair and glasses. There had to be hundreds of them. A song was playing on vinyl in the room, something old that rasped through the record. The air was heavy with the smell of rot. Each one had a tag, a small number. It was like a funeral pyre, flowers laid by each of them. And at the very top of the room hung a portrait, one of the woman copied hundreds of times in front of them. 

“Is this his original “cure for death?” Merle asked.

Taako felt bile rising in his throat.

He tore his gaze away before he threw up, walking away.

“Okay, so he’s not in there,” he said. The other two joined him, abandoning the door. The smell started to waft into the hallway behind them. 

Then Merle started to giggle. Taako looked at him, horrified.

“What’s wrong with you?” 

Merle’s laughter grew to a near-hysterical level. “Remember when we thought the most fucked up thing he did was the flesh elevator?”

The lightness of panic twisted into mirth, and Taako started to laugh too. Magnus joined, and soon they were all stumbling down the hall, laughing in the uncontrolled way of someone in shock. 

They were so busy having… fun? Well, they were so busy that they didn’t notice the creaking until they were at the end of the hall. It was coming from a big, dramatic doorway. 

That, honestly, should have been the first place they looked. Lucas liked dramatics. 

They peeked in. The room was crusted over with tourmaline, save for one circle in the middle of the room, one that Lucas stood in, shivering with power. His veins glowed pink under his skin as he grasped furiously at the air. Beside him, another Maureen-body was propped up on a mad-scientist-body-table.

You know.

“What’s he doing?” Magnus asked. 

“I think he’s trying to make something,” Taako said. “I swear to fuck, if we have to look at him make another flesh person, I’m taking off my gloves and diving into the crystals.” 

Lucas was starting to yell at the air. Taako felt the tug of air, the pull of magic, as he ripped through the air. 

“He’s going to lose control again,” he whispered. “We have to go now, we have to--”

“Lucas!” 

All of their heads whipped to the other side of the room. Noelle was floating a few inches above the ground, eyes lit back up. 

“Shit,” they all said in unison. 

“You seem to be having trouble. Do you need help ?” she chimed. 

Lucas didn’t look at her. “I’m-- Noelle, this is what we’ve been working towards. If you could just--”

“I would recommend rest, Lucas, before you continue, for better quality. Especially if it is so important.” 

Lucas looked at her, looked back at the body, then down at his shaking hands. “Y-yeah. Rest would work. Thanks, Noelle.” He sat down in his circle, scooting over to rest his head on the table his mother’s body laid on. The action was almost innocent, like he was a young kid clutching to his mom’s hand. 

Except it most definitely wasn’t.

“May I ask what the problem is? Perhaps talking about it would be helpful.” Noelle floated to crouch down beside him. He handed her his glasses and she set to work polishing them.

“Okay. Yeah. So you know how much trouble we’ve been having with Project Phoenix? The main issue was that I could recreate Mom’s body, but not her consciousness.” That explained the bodies. “Now, with the lack of limitations with this power, I could create her consciousness, but when I tried that it was too hard to control. It dissipated before I could implement it. So, the plan is to create a portal connected to somewhere that Mom’s soul resides, one that I can attach this machine to, and it will capture it and transfer it into the body.” He was ranting now, the same way he did when he introduced one of his new pet projects. 

“And, if you don’t mind me asking, why pink tourmaline?” Noelle asked. 

Lucas looked up at his mom. “It’s her favorite.” 

“So this was all for her?”

“Yes.” He closed his eyes and grabbed his hand. 

The moment his gaze left Noelle, she changed. Panels shifted, silver running over to harden over her skin, adding a good foot or two to her height. Her arms were lined with razors, and her eyes glowed brighter. She raised a fist above her head, a fist that scrunched up and then hardened until it looked to be the weight of a bowling ball.

“Interesting,” she hummed, then brought it down on him. 

The boys jumped out of their hiding place at once. 

There was a solid crack.

Lucas was on the ground, an arm thrown over his face, staring up at Noelle through a layer of tourmaline with a look of utter betrayal.

“Noelle?” he asked. Her arm started to crust over. “Noelle, what--?

Noelle flickered her arm to the side, the infected limb skittering across the floor, and a new one was already replacing it with another gauntlet, swinging.

“You lied to me!” Her voice box sputtered, not made to take this level of emotion. She swung again, again meeting stone, but this time it cracked. “You lied to me, and you made me work for you, and, and--” 

“Noelle--”

“Noelle!” Magnus boomed, rushing over. “You’re okay!” 

She didn’t pause in her assault. “I am! It’s all thanks to Killian and Carey. I truly owe you guys for your he--” She paused on that word, staring down at Lucas. Then she brought her hammer down again. 

This time, he didn’t hold his hand up. Instead, he did a surprisingly dextrous twist of his arm to press something on Noelle’s abdomen, and then Noelle was rocketing back into a wall. It seemed to finally break the boys out of their trance, MErle catching her before she could hit the wall, and Magnus jumping forward. 

Lucas scrambled away, grabbing at the air. This time, he actually caught on something. Well, Taako assumed. It just looked like he was some sort of talented mime. He tugged down, and there was a tearing sound. 

A portal.

“You have to process your grief!” Magnus yelled, smashing the ground in front of him as Lucas did another impressive dodge. “You can’t keep getting stuck in your denial !” Lucas had a contraption and was sticking it through the portal. There was a deafening sucking noise, and the ceiling above them buckled. Merle and Noelle were immediately preoccupied again, catching chunks of the lab from crushing them all.

“Shut up! You don’t know anything about this!” he yelled. Then Magnus was pushed back by a wave of energy, something Taako’s definitely done before. 

Copycat.

“You unoriginal nerd ,” he growled, sending a few concentrated blasts of magic his way. Lucas just batted them away, not even paying him mind as he typed furiously at the keypad. The contraption hummed even louder, and the whole wall behind Lucas fell away. Cold night air rushed in. Magnus jumped ahead to keep the rubble from flying at anyone.

The machine beeped, then in a rush, the noise stopped. 

“Yes! Yes, thank God, yes! Mom!” Lucas cheered. He pushed a few buttons, but before he could push the last one, Taako lunged forward, grappling him. Lucas clawed at his face, which, rude . “No! You don’t understand, I got a hold of Mom!”

“The last I checked, I wasn’t anyone’s mother,” someone said. Someone that made Taako push Lucas to the ground and straighten his clothes. Then he hated himself.

Kravitz walked out of the portal, not a hair out of place, fixing his cuffs, with skin this time. He was wearing a suit (how dare he look so good right now) with Lucas’ super-vacuum thing attached squarely in the middle of his chest and staring Lucas down on the floor with a withering look. 

“B-but that was supposed t-to go t-to my Mom!” Lucas said, scrabbling ineffectively at the machine’s wires. 

“Unless your mother’s soul resides in my office, I don’t think it did,” Kravitz said. He tilted a frown at Taako, who was frozen. Again. “I do believe I told you to stay put,” he said. 

Taako stalked toward him, hands glowing. “Don’t even fucking try that shit, you--”

“Taako!” Magnus said, and he was suddenly aware of flashing lights coming from the dark of the exposed wall. He turned to the side.

There were news trucks. In the fucking desert. There were news trucks and cameras and fans and they were behind a faraway police line, but the crystal was steadily creeping and they were pushing forward. 

“They have those long-distance cameras!” Magnus yelled, waving and smiling big. “No audio, but we can’t air dirty laundry.” 

“Fuck you,” Taako said quietly to Kravitz, then decked him. Kravitz dodged, flipping him over his shoulder, but Taako took that momentum and sent Kravitz sprawling. 

He wasn’t the heavy hitter, not out of any of them, but fuck Kravitz. Every dirty move, every magic trick, everything went into going after Kravitz. Kravitz was just too good , because of course he was, deflecting all of Taako’s best efforts after the first surprise. Then Magnus joined in with the same ferocity Taako had, and that was the first time Kravitz started to actually sweat. He was so busy that he didn’t notice the tearing until it was too late. 

“Who’s watching Lucas?” Magnus asked as he helped Taako pin Kravitz. They both snapped their heads around. 

Noelle and Merle were trying their best, but the shell around Lucas wasn’t breaking. He had at least ten portals around him, and he was pacing, typing furiously. Kravitz slipped away, but Taako didn’t care. 

Lucas was going to kill them all. 

“If he loses control as he did with the stone he’ll tear apart reality!” Taako yelled, running toward him. He barrelled through the bubble, which turned to soap when he brushed against it, and leaped at Lucas. Right before he slammed into him, Lucas pressed the button on the machine and then the noise started. With a flick of his wrist, Taako knocked Lucas out, but it was too late. A light came streaking out of every tunnel, uncontrolled.  Taako slammed on the button. the screaming stopped. 

It was quiet for a moment. Too quiet.

Then there was the sound of feet. A lot of them. They all turned to the door.

Kravitz shifted. “Those were…”

“Souls,” Taako finished. “And behind that door is a truly upsetting amount of dead bodies.”

“Shit,” Noelle chimed. Then the door burst open and about two hundred Maureen Millers flooded in. 

They weren’t alive, Taako noted as they ran at upsetting speeds toward them. Their eyes were vacant and they moved with all the grace of a puppet with an amateur pulling the strings. A quarter of them fell to the ground as statues when their bare feet touched the crystal. The others just crawled through any uninfected veins, on tables, on the unchanged flesh of those still turning to stone on the floor. And, Taako realized with creeping horror, they were all swarming to get to Lucas. Who was right by him. 

“Merle, media shield,” he croaked out. “This is going to be gross.” Vines unfurled around the hole in the wall, whipping as if they were in battle. The first dead-eyed mother stumbled toward him. He grimaced as he held out a hand.

--

*Somewhere*

It came back in an uncomfortable rush, as always. He was sure if he was in his human body right now, his brains would be spilling out of his ears. Speaking of human bodies and brains spilling, he looked down at his own corpse.

The thing was sprawled across the pavement, glasses askew, blood dripping out of his head. It was one corpse of many. 

It was his doing, he knew. If he was killed in a crowd he would wake up and they would all be dead. That’s why he kept out of crowds. It was deserved this time, from the looks of it. He was in the middle of a warehouse. It seemed to be a shootout. 

He sighed. Picked up some blood. Try again.

Then there was a tearing noise. He looked to the side. There was a tear in the… reality there. Out of curiosity, he peeked in. 

It was loud there, bright too. There was a lot of what seemed like the same woman swarming the place, fighting. A man in a suit was taking them down in spades, as was a very shiny, very tall robot with an unfailing smile. 

And Taako, Magnus and Merle. 

Magnus and Merle were both fighting in the crowds, but Taako was the closest, standing over the body of a bespeckled young man, desperate in his movements as the hoards flocked to him. And he was holding--

“Taako!” he yelled. Taako glanced, then did a double take. 

“This day could not get worse!”

He had to help. 

Red lightning arced around him. He aimed for the swarm of targets. This would take his energy for a while. But Taako was there. And he had--

The last thing he saw before his vision went red was Lup’s umbrella jump in Taako’s hand. 

--

Taako watched the weird-skeleton-thing blow up every single Maureen. The person-chunks flew in the air, some of it splattering on him (disgusting), some of it falling and fading into the crystal around them. Merle’s vines dropped. 

Kravitz was fixing his suit again, wrinkling his nose at the blood staining it. 

Taako could hear crowds cheering far off. He supposed they won. 

It sure didn’t feel like it.

Ghost-guy had knocked out most of the Maureens, but Taako had just survived Lucas’ maze of horrors, and he still had to fight half of them off himself before the Deus-Ex-Machina appeared. In short, he was tired.

Kravitz turned to them, looking just as tired. “Alright, boys, now that that’s do--”

“Fuck you!” Lucas said, waking suddenly. Taako pinned him by making the air heavy around him but he knew it wouldn’t be long until he woke again. 

“My god , just let me talk ,” Kravitz sighed. The gesture was so familiar it made Taako ache.

“You don’t get to talk!” Magnus yelled, all rippling muscles and righteous energy for the crowd. Taking the eyes off of Taako. He glanced his way. “You got Lucas?” 

As if on cue, Lucas burst out of his restraints, diving for his mother. Taako didn’t react fast enough. Lucas pressed a button. The body on the table jerked.

Taako snatched him by the collar. “What did you do ?” he asked. Lucas was limp as a ragdoll now, disconcertedly calm. The body jerked again. It took all of Taako’s willpower to not flinch.

“I did it,” Lucas said. 

The body jerked one, final time. Then it coughed. Took in a breath. Opened its eyes. 

Taako could already tell this one wasn’t like the others. When she looked at him, it was deliberate. He could see a hint of Lucas’ calculating gaze in hers. 

“Mom,” Lucas said, smiling weakly. “Mom, I did it.”

Maureen Miller’s gaze finally slid over to her son. It softened, but it didn’t lose its shrewdness. Taako was vaguely aware of the fight going on around him, but he couldn't bring himself to care. 

Maureen took a shaky breath. “Lucas,” she sighed. “What did you do?”

“I brought you back!” Lucas said. “I did it! I- I brought you back! I beat death !” Taako dropped Lucas, and he scrambled to his mother’s side. “Lucretia said to let it go, but I knew that if I just--”

“Lucas.” She tilted her head to fix a glare onto his face. “Do you think this is a success?”

“You’re back,” he said desperately. 

“I’m not.” She was interrupted by another coughing fit, hacking blood onto the metal table. “I’m dead , Lucas.”

“I fixed that.” His voice broke. “Mom, Mom, I fixed that--”

“There are rules ,” Maureen said. “I am not alive. I am dead. This is wrong, Lucas.”

“It’s--”

For some reason, he turned to Taako for support. Taako shrugged, uncomfortable. “This is pretty fucked up, not gonna lie.”

“Why does no one appreciate what I’ve done !” Lucas snarled. “I cured death!”

“You’ve put a dead soul in a body. There’s a difference.” Maureen took her son’s hand. “Your pride’s destroyed you.”

“Mom,” he said, almost begging. “I fixed it.”

“You broke it,” she replied. “Lucas, I can’t stay.” She shot a glance at Taako. “Just go with them, hm?”

“I fixed it, you can’t leave! D-do you know what  it took for me to get this far?”

“I think I do,” Maureen sighed. “And that’s why you need to go with them.”

“But M--”

“Lucas. Are you seriously going to talk back to me right now?” It was so aggressively a Mom voice that Taako flinched. Something started to fade from her eyes, the thing that distinguished her from the other Maureens.

Lucas saw it too. He slumped, defeated, and collapsed onto Maureen. 

Maureen turned to Taako. “Can I have some paper?” Taako numbly swiped a hand through the rubble on the ground, turning it into a pen and pad. She hastily scribbled something and handed it to him. Then she turned back to her son.

“I just got you back,” Lucas sniffled.

“I know,” she murmured, kissing his forehead. “I know, Lucas.” 

Then she went limp. 

Lucas turned to Taako, and the fight went out of him. “It would look better for you if you punched me before you arrested me, right?”

“This is from Carey,” Taako said, then knocked him out. 

A cheer went up in the crowd again, too far to scramble Taako’s senses like it usually did. The ember glowed in the air above Lucas. He looked down at the note Maureen left in his hand. 

My room. My computer. File PVS.

“I wanna try something!” Magnus yelled, breaking Taako out of his daze before swooping by to scoop the ember floating in the air and stuff it…

In his mouth?

Whatever.

Kravitz was finally, finally looking like he was at all affected, dodging right into a mean left hook from Magnus. He spit blood onto the ground and steadied himself. 

Taako steeled himself to fight him. He could do this. This was fine. He could--

Kravitz put a finger to his ear. “Yes? Yes, ma’am. Of course. No, I made sure to face away. Okay.” He looked around at them all, skipping over Taako entirely. “I guess this is where we say goodbye,” he said. Then he jumped up to the ceiling.

Magnus, Merle, and Taako jumped up after him, but he wasn’t in the rafters, nor did Noelle see him on the ground level. They jumped back down to the crowd, which was already crawling over the police gate and the disenchanted crystal to them. 

“Time for collection,” Magnus said into his earpiece. 

Taako smiled at the crowd. He was so fucking tired.

--

-Later That Night-

Taako sneaked into the living room. The house was super fucking creaky, but Taako didn’t make a noise as he crept up the stairs. He was very good at sneaking, knew just where to put his feet and how to breathe. 

The light clicked on and Magnus and Merle spun in their chairs to face him. 

Okay. Scratch that.

He scowled at them. “What are you creeps doing? How long have you been sitting there?” 

“Two hours,” Magnus said smugly. “What are you doing up?”

“And where were you?” Merle added. “Also, I’ve been here for three hours. I thought Magnus was you the first time.”

“He scared the living shit out of me.” 

“Whatever,” Taako said, slinking back to his room. A vine wrapped around his ankle, stopping him. 

“You can’t get out of it that easily, young man,” Merle said. “What’s that?”

Taako shifted the bag behind him. “...Nothing.”

“Taako, tell us ,” Magnus whined, slumping in his chair. “Pleeaase?” 

Taako was sure he should be immune to Magnus’ puppy eyes by now. 

“Fine,” he said, plopping down on the sofa. Taako pulled the laptop out of his bag. “This was Maureen Miller’s.”

“ What ?” Magnus and Merle said in unison. 

Taako fished the crumpled note out of his pocket. “Maureen gave this to me. I went back to get it.” Because he couldn’t sleep, he didn’t say. Because I was upset, and all I wanted to do was call Kravitz, but fuck that, right? He let the boys argue at him while he typed on the keyboard, finding File PVS. Now, Taako didn’t know much about computers, but he did know that this file had some weird encryption on it, in some script he didn’t recognize.

There was one video in it.

“Guys, shut up,” he said, turning up the volume and clicking play. 

She was younger, no streaks of gray or wrinkles, but it was unmistakably Maureen Miller fixing the camera, glasses slipping down her nose, hair askew. 

“Project Name: Seven Birds. Test One.” The video lagged for a moment, static creeping into the edges. Then there was a hard cut to Maureen again, halfway through flipping the camera around.

“Test Name: The Twins.”

Taako froze. 

It was him, in a red uniform, posing for the camera. His arm was slung around some girl that looked… familiar. Like him. 

Hard cut.

“Test Name: The Lover.”

A blushing man that looked like someone he's sure he’d seen, wearing a red jacket with a pair of jeans, tried to hide from the camera from behind his piles of papers and computers. Like, old computers. 

Hard cut.

“Test Name: The Protector.”

Magnus, who looked a lot younger, flexed in a sleeveless version of the uniform Taako had been wearing.

Hard cut.

“Test Name: The Lonely Journal-Keeper.” 

It was a young woman, hunched in the corner, scribbling furiously, pushing her glasses up every two seconds. She flipped the camera off. Maureen laughed behind the camera.

Was that Lucretia?

Hard cut. 

“Test Name: The Peacemaker.”

This one was whispered, the camera peeking over the edge of what might have been a sofa, trained on Merle, who’d probably been old forever, standing between Lucretia and Magnus, who were arguing with each other. The camera swiveled over to where that weird mustache guy that only said his own name stood in the doorway, not even looking up from his book.

“Test Name: The Wordless One.”

“Maureen, stop filming,” someone said from behind her. 

Hard cut. 

The static was making it harder to focus now, not just on the screen, scratching at Taako’s mind. It started to bleed into his vision, but not before he saw the last clip. 

“It's the Hunger!” someone said. The camera was dropped on the ground, and then there was an incredibly loud explosion, light whiting out the screen. It went dark.

“John?”

Then they woke up. They must have passed out on the sofa. Why was there a smoking laptop? That better not be his, he’ll kill them. 

His umbrella hitched to his belt jumped. 

Chapter Text

Magnus knew he should be comforting Taako right now. Or at least beating Kravitz up. But Taako hadn’t come out of his room yet, nor did he respond when he called through the door. Usually, he would be all up in there, providing emotional support and soup, but Taako didn’t like that. He liked space and needed something more subtle. He didn’t know what to do in that sort of situation.

So here he was, supporting his other lovesick friend. 

Carey was sparring with Magnus. At least, she was supposed to be. What she was actually doing was staring at Killian across the gym. Killian was lifting a truly impressive amount of weight, even by Magnus standards. Carey was slowly dying beside him.

“She likes you,” Magnus said. “She’s about to look over here, do a flip.”

Carey did a standing flip, dodging a punch from Magnus, then had him in a headlock on the ground before he could recover. Her arm pressed against his windpipe.

“Nice touch,” he wheezed out, then tapped out. She released him, running her hand through her hair nervously. 

“Do you think she saw?” 

Magnus clocked the blush on the back of Killian’s neck. “Yeah, she saw.”

“Okay, dude, I need a favor,” Carey said. She glanced over to Killian right as Killian glanced at her, and they both snapped their heads back to their work. “I want to make her something.”

Magnus’ Builder Senses immediately perked up. “What did you have in mind.” 

“A duck,” Carey mumbled. 

“Yes,” Magnus gasped. “She loves ducks.”

“She’s looking!” Carey said, and then she flipped Magnus again.

--

Taako glared at his alarm clock, wishing it would stop ringing on its own. It didn’t, of course, because his power wasn’t telekinesis, but Taako glared all the same. He should probably get up. It was already ten o'clock. He had to get ready for the day. It was a part of the day he enjoyed, looking at whatever the fuck his morning face was and then using colors and glitter to make it into something else. He could erase everything that had happened the night before that made him look like that in the morning. 

You look like a vision in the morning .

Taako curled in on himself and watched the alarm clock. It didn’t stop ringing. 

His phone wasn’t on the too-far nightstand, so he grabbed it and brought it into his blanket cocoon. He clicked on the news. He could get mad at something that wasn’t Him right now.

Mysterious New Villain Dubbed The Grim Reaper , the headlines read. Under it was a picture of Kravitz, face just obscured enough that Taako couldn’t be sure it was him. He threw his phone across the room. Then he regretted it. 

The alarm clock didn’t stop ringing. 

Taako glared at it. 

He was settling into the ache of it, ‘it’ being betrayal. Taako put a name to it a while back as some sort of therapeutic technique, but betrayal was an eight-letter word and this felt so much bigger than that. It hurt the first time. It hurt the first time when it was some guy he didn’t really care about throwing him for the biggest loop. 

It hurt more this time. 

Taako kept breathing, trying to parse why. He realized, after a while that it wasn’t just betrayal. He felt stupid . The first time, he didn’t know what was happening until-- until whatever. 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…

Shame. Shame and betrayal. 

And… oh god. 

It was hope. There was hope. His terrible brain is still being stupid.

Taako had another word. Garbage. He felt like fucking garbage.

His alarm was still ringing.

A car passed by the window, casting stripes of light on the wall across from him. The fact he could see the light at all meant that it was dark. He creakily sat up. It was dark outside.

It was eleven-thirty. He hadn’t moved all day. 

Taako felt gross. He stopped the alarm and slumped over to the bathroom. He zoned out in the shower too, sitting on the tile and letting the spray hit his face until the water went cold. Magnus and Merle were gonna be pissed at him but he didn’t care. 

He dressed up, not really caring what he put on, not looking in the mirror. Instead, he covered his face with a full-face tinted visor. 

He did have a brand to uphold. 

Chips, his mind supplied when he got to the convenience store. Chips and ice cream. Maybe mix them together. As a treat. 

“Let’s commit some food crimes,” he said to himself, walking out with the makings of some terrible midnight decisions. 

“Sir?” someone said behind him. Taako whirled around. Angus beamed at him, clutching to a package. 

“How did you even know it was me?” he asked, and wow his voice sounded bad. All rough and sad. Gross.

“You have a very particular gait, sir!” Angus said. 

“You’re creepy, you know that right?”

“I make a point of it!” 

Angus chatters away the whole walk back to the house like nothing is wrong. It’s almost comforting. Yes, Taako is aware of how pathetic he is that one of his best friends hasn’t lost all of his teeth yet. 

Shame.

“How did you get here?” Taako asked.

“A case,” Angus said, which wasn’t an answer. “Oh! This is for you!” He rummaged through his messenger bag (he had a whole Aesthetic, which made Taako proud) and emerged with a small package. It was a purple box, tied with a ribbon. Taako opened it. 

“Macarons?” They were a little misshapen, but Taako felt like crying for the first time since--

Oh. 

“You heard, huh?” Taako said, picking one up and examining it. 

“What are you talking about?” Angus said, blinking innocently. Taako fixed him with a stare and he crumbled in a moment. “I figured out myself.”

“You are the World’s Greatest Detective,” Taako sighed, then took a bite. It was pretty okay. “And a competent baker. Now, I have some notes abou--”

“Deflecting,” Angus said. Taako started. “Oh, did I say that out loud?”

No. I’m not doing this. I’m not venting to an eight-year-old.

“I’m ten, sir. And psychic,” he added when Taako opened his mouth to ask him how he knew. “You don’t need to vent. I brought you cookies, because that’s what friends do when their friends are sad. I read it in a book.”

Taako lifted another macaron to his mouth. His eyes flickered to the charred spot on their coffee table, and his umbrella lying on top of it. 

How--?

Lup. Lup. Lup is here? Lup’s umbrella is here. Lup is. Lup. 

Ļ̸̢͎̩̭͉̑͒͗͆͌͝͝U̸̝͔͉͐͋̍͆̃̚P̶͖̥̊̇̏̎̅͋̽̔̔̕͝'̸͕̾̏͊S̷̡̗̏͝ ̵͚̠͍͍̹̫̫͊H̶͖͇̙͈̺̽̓͌̃E̴̡̜̜̟̹͎̭̮̩̲͕̣̩͑͆͆́̽̚͜͜͠R̵̟̣̯͓͔̖͓̯̭̮̞͒̋̈́̐͜E̴̡̡̞̬͕̗̣͋͗̾ ̴͙̝̭͉̺̮̫̿̇͒͑́̃̽͌̕̚͠Ļ̵̨͓͎̦̖͕͖̞̙͈̟͈͗̽̒̈́̐͂̾̈́͊̽̚͠Ũ̴̡̢̯̩̬̻̖̭͉̙̥̇̏̀̏̕ͅP̴̬͇̟͉̝͇̬̍̑̓̓̽͆͝'̸̡̛̭͎̺͌͌̍͊͘S̸̯͕͖̮͌̃͑̋̒͐̆̋ ̵̧̢͖̤̲̙͌́̄̈͋̒̎̿̌͘͜͝H̷̛͎̘͙̙͓͚̱̟͇͆͆̆̐͝͠Ȩ̴̢̤̠͍̣̺̲̙͔͇͉̞̃̀̈́͊͊R̶̜̪̜̫̹̭̟̼̣̦͙̯̔̈́͛̀̈́̊̇̑E̶̢̤͎̟͙̠̻͍͕̦̱̲̤͑͊͘͜ ̷̢͖͉̱̜̰̰̠͍̹͒̂́͂̏̿͘L̶̗̣̞̻̯̓̂̓͘͜Ư̷̡̜̤͍͍͈͙͔̹̲͇̜̙̞̈́̾̈́͋ͅP̶̘̜͕̗̠̬̖̻̗̟͛̒̽͑̈̓ ̵̢͓̰̻͕̺̭̹͕̘͉͔̈͋̿̋̓ͅĪ̶̧̯͎̻̥͔̘̣̬̹͗͛́̆̒̌̂̂̍̀̔͒̾̕ͅͅS̴̤͔͓̣̫̺̠̍̀̊̎͘͜͝͝ͅ ̵̥̋H̸̢̨̛̥̩͓̘̘̬̙͙̫͉̓̾̍̍͋̋͐͋̏̅̕͜Ę̴̨̟̬͉̟̗̼̲̫̜͖͎̤̒R̷̗̪͎̥̟̭̖̳̍E̸̛͙̗͖͌̋̾̐̓͂̔̌̊́̂

         ̷͕̹͔̱͈͇̦̌͗͋͋̂̿̚͠ͅ ̶̡̻͕̻̾̊͂̓̓̓̆͗̂ ̸̢̞̣͍̜̺̿̎͊͗̈́̓͑̏̀̂̔̆̚ͅ ̸̨̱̫̮̺̜̝̼̘̹̜̹̘̿ͅ ̷͖͇̾͒̀͐͒̇̑͛̕͝ ̸̨͖̹͕̰͙͔͔̻̒̿̏͛̓́̉ ̷̡̦͇͉̪̺̰̙̻̮̟̘͖͚̝͗̄̂̋̇̌͆͝ ̷̱̘̮͔͉͖̣̘͖͙̦̓̏̎͊̋̉̓̈́̋ ̵̨̢͉͎͎̙̦̝͖̣̩̦̥̑̾̌̓͗͠ ̴̥̦̩͉͖͔͇̄́͒̚̚͜͠ ̷̢̛̼̍͂̊̽̐́͋̅̿̔͝ ̷̧̨̘̭͎̩̼̩̭͗͊͜ ̶̥̟̹̗̺̘͔̻͌̊̓͗̿̀͌̂̏̽̚̚͠͝͝ ̴̧͙̻̟̖͓̙̳̱̬̈́̏̃ ̶̨̨͕͎̝̩̪̼̖̞̈́̃̔̂͝ ̷̧̖͂̌͛̎̊̄͘ ̵͖͎̒̀̔̏͆ ̸̡̛̘̲͙͖̭͛̑͑̔͊̿͌̂̾͘̕ ̴̰̩̺̫͉͓̜̲͚̭̱̘͍̘̺̈́͌̔̋̉̐̓̐ ̴͈̤̟̤̺̫̼̣̳͔̩̜̉͘ ̷̡̖̲͎̻̤̈̒̅ ̷̢̛̞̟͇͖̳͇͖̗̠̩͖̏͊͐̈͌ ̸̡̣͇͇̳͕̹̻͗͗͌͌͜ ̸̨̞̝͕̝̹͉̺̩͌ͅ ̸̢͚͓͖̺̬̭̌̈̓͋̑̉͛̿̚ ̵͕̺̠̹̥̭͙̈͐͗̏̆́͋̓͌͘͝ ̸̪̖̙͇̟͉̺̣̀͂͒ ̸͇̮͇̲̯̩̱͖̠̮͆̈́̃͂̎͗̽̂̋̌̽̄͆̇͘ ̵͉͈͉̯̙͚͇̳̰̱̆̓͋͋̆̆̓͌̑͘͜͝͠ ̸̢͇̝͕̳͈̻̦̭̒̀̒͑͐̾̈̍ ̶͚̉̋͋͌̆̾̔̂̈́ ̶͖͎͍̝̀̉͛ ̶̻̭̄̓͛̋͗̈́͆͐̐͒͜͠͠ ̶͖̂̆́͐̑̍͌͆̎̏

 ̷͕̹͔̱͈͇̦̌͗͋͋̂̿̚͠ͅ ̶̡̻͕̻̾̊͂̓̓̓̆͗̂ ̸̢̞̣͍̜̺̿̎͊͗̈́̓͑̏̀̂̔̆̚ͅ ̸̨̱̫̮̺̜̝̼̘̹̜̹̘̿ͅ ̷͖͇̾͒̀͐͒̇̑͛̕͝ ̸̨͖̹͕̰͙͔͔̻̒̿̏͛̓́̉ ̷̡̦͇͉̪̺̰̙̻̮̟̘͖͚̝͗̄̂̋̇̌͆͝ ̷̱̘̮͔͉͖̣̘͖͙̦̓̏̎͊̋̉̓̈́̋ ̵̨̢͉͎͎̙̦̝͖̣̩̦̥̑̾̌̓͗͠ ̴̥̦̩͉͖͔͇̄́͒̚̚͜͠

 ̷̢̛̼̍͂̊̽̐́͋̅̿̔͝ ̷̧̨̘̭͎̩̼̩̭͗͊͜ ̶̥̟̹̗̺̘͔̻͌̊̓͗̿̀͌̂̏̽̚̚͠͝͝ ̴̧͙̻̟̖͓̙̳̱̬̈́̏̃ ̶̨̨͕͎̝̩̪̼̖̞̈́̃̔̂͝ ̷̧̖͂̌͛̎̊̄͘ ̵͖͎̒̀̔̏͆ ̸̡̛̘̲͙͖̭͛̑͑̔͊̿͌̂̾͘̕ ̴̰̩̺̫͉͓̜̲͚̭̱̘͍̘̺̈́͌̔̋̉̐̓̐ ̴͈̤̟̤̺̫̼̣̳͔̩̜̉͘ ̷̡̖̲͎̻̤̈̒̅ ̷̢̛̞̟͇͖̳͇͖̗̠̩͖̏͊͐̈͌ ̸̡̣͇͇̳͕̹̻͗͗͌͌͜ ̸̨̞̝͕̝̹͉̺̩͌ͅ ̸̢͚͓͖̺̬̭̌̈̓͋̑̉͛̿̚ ̵͕̺̠̹̥̭͙̈͐͗̏̆́͋̓͌͘͝ ̸̪̖̙͇̟͉̺̣̀͂͒ ̸͇̮͇̲̯̩̱͖̠̮͆̈́̃͂̎͗̽̂̋̌̽̄͆̇͘ ̵͉͈͉̯̙͚͇̳̰̱̆̓͋͋̆̆̓͌̑͘͜͝͠ ̸̢͇̝͕̳͈̻̦̭̒̀̒͑͐̾̈̍ ̶͚̉̋͋͌̆̾̔̂̈́ ̶͖͎͍̝̀̉͛ ̶̻̭̄̓͛̋͗̈́͆͐̐͒͜͠͠ ̶͖̂̆́͐̑̍͌͆̎̏ ̷͕̹͔̱͈͇̦̌͗͋͋̂̿̚͠ͅ ̶̡̻͕̻̾̊͂̓̓̓̆͗̂ ̸̢̞̣͍̜̺̿̎͊͗̈́̓͑̏̀̂̔̆̚ͅ ̸̨̱̫̮̺̜̝̼̘̹̜̹̘̿ͅ ̷͖͇̾͒̀͐͒̇̑͛̕͝ ̸̨͖̹͕̰͙͔͔̻̒̿̏͛̓́̉ ̷̡̦͇͉̪̺̰̙̻̮̟̘͖͚̝͗̄̂̋̇̌͆͝ ̷̱̘̮͔͉͖̣̘͖͙̦̓̏̎͊̋̉̓̈́̋ ̵̨̢͉͎͎̙̦̝͖̣̩̦̥̑̾̌̓͗͠ ̴̥̦̩͉͖͔͇̄́͒̚̚͜͠

 ̷̢̛̼̍͂̊̽̐́͋̅̿̔͝ ̷̧̨̘̭͎̩̼̩̭͗͊͜ ̶̥̟̹̗̺̘͔̻͌̊̓͗̿̀͌̂̏̽̚̚͠͝͝ ̴̧͙̻̟̖͓̙̳̱̬̈́̏̃ ̶̨̨͕͎̝̩̪̼̖̞̈́̃̔̂͝ ̷̧̖͂̌͛̎̊̄͘ ̵͖͎̒̀̔̏͆ ̸̡̛̘̲͙͖̭͛̑͑̔͊̿͌̂̾͘̕ ̴̰̩̺̫͉͓̜̲͚̭̱̘͍̘̺̈́͌̔̋̉̐̓̐ ̴͈̤̟̤̺̫̼̣̳͔̩̜̉͘ ̷̡̖̲͎̻̤̈̒̅

 ̷̢̛̞̟͇͖̳͇͖̗̠̩͖̏͊͐̈͌ ̸̡̣͇͇̳͕̹̻͗͗͌͌͜ ̸̨̞̝͕̝̹͉̺̩͌ͅ ̸̢͚͓͖̺̬̭̌̈̓͋̑̉͛̿̚ ̵͕̺̠̹̥̭͙̈͐͗̏̆́͋̓͌͘͝ ̸̪̖̙͇̟͉̺̣̀͂͒ ̸͇̮͇̲̯̩̱͖̠̮͆̈́̃͂̎͗̽̂̋̌̽̄͆̇͘ ̵͉͈͉̯̙͚͇̳̰̱̆̓͋͋̆̆̓͌̑͘͜͝͠ ̸̢͇̝͕̳͈̻̦̭̒̀̒͑͐̾̈̍ ̶͚̉̋͋͌̆̾̔̂̈́ ̶͖͎͍̝̀̉͛ ̶̻̭̄̓͛̋͗̈́͆͐̐͒͜͠͠ ̶͖̂̆́͐̑̍͌͆̎̏

.

“Oh shit, sorry,” Taako said, looking down at the spilled macarons. Silver light was spilling from Angus’ head. 

“Ow,” Angus said. He looked at the note he had scribbled down. Angus frowned. “Who’s Lup?”

--

Merle knocked on Lucretia’s office door. 

“One moment,” she called from inside. 

Davenport was sitting at his post outside the door. 

“Davenport?”

“Yeah.”

“Davenport.”

“It has been too long.”

“Davenport, Davenport.”

“He’s holding up okay.”

Lucretia opened the door, giving Merle a professional nod and standing aside to let him in. He waddled over to her desk, sitting across from her. 

“I have questions,” he said when she finally sat down beside her. “A lot of questions.”

“Okay,” she said still not breaking stride. 

“About Maureen and the people who are responsible for the embers.” Merle didn’t like to brag, but he was good at reading people. Knowing when they’re lying. 

Lucretia was about to lie.

“What do you want to know?” she asked, quietly. A mask slid into place.

She knew that he was good at reading people.

“Don’t lie to me, Lucretia.”

She straightened when he said that, the mask slipping for a moment. “I’m-- I’m your boss. That’s Madame Director.”

“You’re not my-- Oh. I suppose you are.” Merle scratched his beard. He was sure that-- Whatever. “I just need you to not lie to me.”

“I’ve told you before who they were.”

“Listen, Madame Director,” he sighed. “I know I’m not the brightest knife in the deck, but I’m not stupid. I know when someone’s spinning me a story. So could you please tell me about Maureen and the people who are responsible for the embers. That’s all.” He gave a creaky sigh. 

“I will speak to you about this at a later time, Merle,” she said. “That will be all.”

Merle frowned. Okay. She had her reasons. He’d find out the truth. 

He didn’t know that when he left, Lucretia would sit at the desk for a tired moment, resting her head on her hands. Then she would make sure Johann got out of his shift early. That she knew how to code The Void, and that by morning, he would remember having a conversation with Davenport, and then going home, and not think much at all about what happened in between. 

--

-Undisclosed Location-

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” Raven squinted at the agent sitting across from her. “You are… asking to be removed from the case?”

“Yes,” Kravitz said. He was sitting straight as always, reactions carefully measured. 

“I realize the situation has become much more public than anticipated, but you haven’t done anything to warrant being taken off of the mission.” Raven typed something out on the computer, squinted at the screen, and shook her head. “No, I’m sorry Kravitz. You’ve been on this case longer than anyone. I can’t take you off of a case of this importance without good reason.”

She didn’t miss the clench in Kravitz’s jaw. “Of course, ma’am. Thank you for checking,” he said, getting up to leave.

“May I ask why you wished to be removed from the case?” she asked. Kravitz paused at the door. He turned back, face calm. “Oh, don’t do that with me, Kravitz, we’ve been working together too long for you to still fool me with that.” She meant it as a joke but his mouth flattened into a grim line. 

“You always told me it was dangerous to mix emotions with a case,” he gritted out. 

“Oh.”

“I’ve been… compromised.”

“ Oh .”

They stared at each other. There was the unspoken understanding that Kravitz knew something that would put the investigation light years ahead. There was also the understanding that he wasn’t going to tell.”

Raven turned back to her computer. “I won’t say anything.”

“Thank you.”