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It starts out innocently enough. The Marauders are chatting idly as they disembark the Hogwarts Express, talking about Basilisks, and then the supposed hypnotising gaze of vampires, and then Remus says, 'Did you know that if you can stare someone in the eyes for thirty seconds, it means that you either want to kill them or fuck them?'
Well, one cannot say such a thing without initiating a staring contest. Sirius jumps in front of Remus and they make it all the way through the thirty seconds. (James and Peter count for them.)
'So which is it, Sirius?' Remus asks in a pseudo-seductive voice.
Sirius roars with laughter, but he also feels a small twinge in his belly. He must be getting hungry. He doesn't have time to dwell on it, at any rate, because James says, 'Padfoot! You're making me jealous!' and tries to nuzzle his face into Sirius's neck.
Sirius pushes him away, and James sprints towards the carriages, laughing his head off.
'I think he missed you,' Peter teases, and Sirius pushes him too. The three of them go back to discussing vampires as they catch up with James, and by the time Sirius digs into the excellent food of the Welcoming Feast, he's forgotten all about what happened on the platform.
*
The incident is obviously still on James's mind several days later, however, as they tackle their first assignments of sixth year. It's getting late, and the common room is nearly empty. And then, without prompting, James proclaims, 'No one is better at gay chicken than me.'
'Feels like an odd brag,' says Peter. And then, realising what he's provoked with this comment, he adds, 'No. No no. Oh please don't --'
James grins at Peter and starts leaning in. His face is more than a foot away when Peter loses his nerve and squirms out of the way. Sirius laughs. James raises his arms in triumph. 'Truly,' he says, 'I am the champion.'
Sirius starts to refute this false claim, but Remus beats him to it. 'You sure about that?' he asks, getting up from the table. He sits beside James on the arm of his chair and leans over him, slowly bringing his face closer and closer to James's. James is grinning like a maniac and keeps trying to fake Remus out, until Remus suddenly darts forward and pecks James on the lips.
James recoils in surprise. 'Aaagh!'
Remus smirks and returns to his homework with a fair bit of colour in his cheeks.
'A new challenger!' says Sirius in disbelief. He looks at Peter. 'I can't believe he just did that. Can you believe that?'
Peter is doubled up in wheezing laughter, too breathless to respond. James still looks a bit stunned but he's starting to recover. 'Moony -- I'm going to pay you back in kind. You know that, right? You have no idea what events you have set in motion, here, on this day.'
Remus scoffs from behind Sites of Historical Sorcery but otherwise pretends to be absorbed in his homework, his face still noticeably red.
Sirius returns to his own homework, feeling in a strange mood. He's too restless and irritable to concentrate on his essay. When he switches to the Defence reading, he reads the same line over and over again, unable to parse any of its meaning. Finally he gives up and shoves his books away.
'Right lads, I'm done. Good night.' He gets up and heads towards the dormitory, adding over his shoulder, 'Don't get too debauched down here without me.'
'Oh we will!' James calls after him. Stupid git.
*
A few days pass without James's revenge manifesting. Sirius makes a bet with Peter over whether James is still concocting his plan or if he's forgotten entirely. As more time passes, Sirius starts to worry that he's going to have to hand over three Galleons. He shouldn't have been so confident when making the bet.
The last Sunday afternoon in September finds the Marauders in the library, sprawled across nearly three tables and altogether taking up far too much space. They're not talking very much; the Charms essay Flitwick has set them on wand movements is particularly abstruse and they're all struggling through it. Sirius is starting to resign himself to a bad mark in Charms this year.
Remus sets down his quill and starts looking through the various books strewn about the tables. 'Anyone have a copy of Magical Theory? I'm pretty sure it has a chapter on wand movements.' There's a collective shrug from his friends. 'All right.' Remus gets up to browse the shelves.
'I'll help you look!' James offers, jumping to his feet.
Sirius glances at Peter, who looks suspicious, and the two of them lean back from their homework to watch.
Remus seems a little apprehensive, clearly suspicious as well, but James gives him a wide berth, apparently genuinely searching for the book. He goes down towards the end of the aisle, almost out of sight, where he plucks a book from the shelf and walks back over to Remus.
'Oi, Moony, I found it,' James tells him. He hands over the book and then, with a determined look, thrusts his other hand forward and cups Remus's bollocks. Remus smothers his surprise quickly and replaces it with an incredibly stoic expression. They stand like that for a moment, neither wavering, until James finally withdraws his hand.
'Very well,' he says. 'I'll get you next time, Moony.'
'There's going to be a next time?' Remus asks.
'Oh yes,' James assures him. 'I've just decided. This week shall henceforth be known as National Moony's Bollocks Awareness Week.'
Remus struggles to hold onto his stoic expression. 'I see.'
Over at the tables, Peter regretfully hands over Sirius's winnings. 'He spent weeks coming up with a plan and that was it? Seems pretty weak to me.'
Sirius pockets the gold with a grin. 'I dunno, I like the sound of National Moony's Bollocks Awareness Week. Can't wait to see what that involves.'
*
An Incomplete List of the Ways in Which James Potter Celebrates National Moony's Bollocks Awareness Week:
-Leaping out from behind a statue and grabbing Remus's bollocks on the way to Potions
-Successfully transfiguring a chicken into a feather duster and immediately using it to dust Remus's crotch (Professor McGonagall was not amused)
-Writing a lengthy poem about Remus's genitals and then threatening to submit it as his History of Magic essay
The week ends with an experiment on the limitations of Wingardium Leviosa that leaves them all rather embarrassed. On the whole, though, Remus appears unperturbed by James's efforts, something that drives James increasingly batty.
'Just leave it, Prongs,' Sirius tells him, sitting between the two of them outside the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. 'What are you doing, anyway?'
James is reaching around Sirius and attempting to grab at Remus's shirt. 'I'm trying to fondle his nipple, in the hopes that it makes him just as uncomfortable as when I grab his bollocks, and then I don't have to touch his bollocks.'
Peter laughs, but Lily Evans overhears this and gives James a look of deep disgust.
James is humbled, but only slightly. He withdraws his arm and whispers to Sirius, 'Why do you care? What are you gonna do about it?'
'What am I gonna do?' Sirius repeats. There's nothing for it. 'I'm gonna get involved.'
James snickers. 'Oh yeah?'
'Yeah!' Sirius watches Lily Evans out of the corner of his eye, waiting for her to look over again. As soon as she glances in their direction, he raises his hand to stroke James's cheek and says in a loud voice, 'You're making me jealous, lover.'
James jolts back like he's been electrocuted. Evans rolls her eyes and strikes up a conversation with another of their classmates in an attempt to ignore them.
Remus offers Sirius a high-five, which he accepts. James gets to his feet, looking vexed. 'This means war, Padfoot. You'd better prepare yourself,' he says quietly, and then walks over to Lily Evans and attempts to repair the damage he's done.
Sirius grins at Remus. 'Merlin, Moony, what have I done?'
*
When Sirius goes into their dormitory that night, he finds James lying on his bed.
'Lost your trousers, have you?' Sirius asks lightly, looking anywhere but at his friend.
'Actually, I'm about to lose more than that --'
'No!'
The next morning, Sirius gets him back by waiting outside the dormitory and mooning James when he opens the door. He runs down the stairs before James can properly react, pulling up his trousers and buckling his belt and laughing wildly.
For weeks, it's just the two of them, competing to see who can make the other more uncomfortable. And then one day Remus grabs James's hand and tries to go skipping down the corridor with him, and Sirius is delighted. They plot ways to embarrass James together and suddenly the game becomes a lot more fun.
One night Remus and Sirius climb into the common room to see James and Peter lounging by the fire. In unspoken agreement, they sit down on either side of James and cuddle into him. He tries to shove them both off, but he can't get either of them to go away. 'Why are you guys ganging up on me?' he complains. 'Can't you tease Wormtail for once?'
Sirius wrinkles his nose. 'Wormtail's no fun to play with. Watch.' He doesn't even fully rise from his seat before Peter flinches away from him. Sirius settles back down again. 'See?'
'Just caught me by surprise is all,' Peter mutters. Sirius throws a crumpled-up bit of parchment at him, laughing.
'Well then you could at least bother each other,' James continues doggedly.
Sirius and Remus look at each other around James. 'Moony?' Sirius asks, doing his best to bat his eyelashes. 'Would you like to snog?'
'I thought you'd never ask,' Remus replies.
They reach for each other and pretend to snog passionately on top of James, who is unsuccessful in wriggling out from underneath them. 'This is worse!' he squawks. 'Wormtail! Help!'
Peter just laughs.
*
After that it's the three of them flirting, fondling, and flashing each other, though of course Peter can't always escape unscathed. As the hijinks continue, Sirius starts to notice a pattern. He can't quite explain it, but he seems to have more fun teasing Remus than James. It doesn't really make any sense: James, though an avid bollocks-grabber, usually squeals when Sirius rubs up against him, whereas Remus will just stand there indifferently or else pretend to enjoy it. Nevertheless, Sirius finds himself having to make an effort to avoid focussing his inappropriate attention purely on Remus.
James shakes his head one day as he shows up to class and finds Sirius sitting in Remus's lap. 'One of these days someone is going to wake up naked in bed with Sirius and be like, did I win or lose?' James says as he sits down beside them.
'Well that would mean you get to shag me, so obviously that means you're a winner,' Sirius says matter-of-factly, sliding off Remus's lap and settling into his own seat.
'Shag you? Does that mean you're taking it, then?' asks James.
'You just wish you could give it to me!' Sirius hisses. Professor Flitwick frowns at him but refrains from commenting, and begins the class instead.
Remus spends the whole lesson running a cool finger down the back of Sirius's neck at every opportunity he gets. Sirius has shivers in no time, and is annoyed to think that Remus will probably still end up with better notes than him by the time the bell rings. As their classmates gather up their books, Sirius turns around and points a threatening finger at Remus, who can't quite stop laughing enough to look innocent. 'You watch it,' Sirius warns him with an evil grin.
Remus doesn't look the least bit perturbed.
*
That night, lying in bed, Sirius has a stroke of inspiration for retribution. Barely able to contain his delight at his own genius, he sneaks over to Remus's bed and climbs through the hangings. He sits on top of Remus to wake him up, straddling him, and musters as much seduction as possible to say, 'Hey Moony.' Then he leans down and kisses him.
Except Remus kisses him back, and suddenly they're both breathless and flustered. Sirius breaks away and catches his breath. 'Oh. Er. This was supposed to be funny.'
'Hmm. Sorry,' says Remus, not looking sorry at all. 'Maybe if you try again?'
So he does. And again. They try a few other things, too, but none of it goes over as particularly hilarious. Sirius flops down on the bed beside Remus, who embraces him. They lie like that silently for a while, contemplative.
'I don't get it,' Sirius says eventually. 'I had no idea that this was going to -- did you know?'
Remus snorts. 'Um. Yeah.'
'Well why didn't you tell me?'
'I thought you knew! I didn't realise you were this, er, oblivious.'
Sirius frowns. 'I'm not oblivious.'
Remus's silence is telling. Sirius huffs and begins to nibble at Remus's earlobe, perhaps a little rougher than necessary. Remus responds by throwing his arm across Sirius's chest and flicking his nipple. And then they're at it again, and it's just as incredible as the first time. Even when they're done, panting and sweating, lips chapped and hands sticky, they stay curled up together, and Sirius does not return to his own bed that night.
*
It's early dawn when Sirius finally gives up on sleep. There's nowhere else in the world he'd rather be right now, but he's not accustomed to sharing his bed with another person and he just can't get comfortable enough to drift off. He looks over at Remus, who's had no trouble falling asleep, and then rolls over onto his back, staring up at the canopy above the bed. He smiles to himself. What a strange turn of events. And all because of a silly competition...
Sirius jerks bolt upright with a sudden realisation. Remus stirs beside him. 'Hmm... Sirius? What is it?'
'I've just realised something!' Sirius practically shouts. He can hear James and Peter starting to stir too, on the other side of the room, but he doesn't care at all.
'What?' asks Remus, rubbing his eyes. 'What is it?'
'Moony! Don't you get it?' Sirius says gleefully. 'Guess what? We won gay chicken!'