Chapter Text
After getting the snot kicked (and punched) out of him by The Bat, and then falling off a four story building, again , Penguin was beginning to suspect he may have more lives than Catwoman. He scrambled around the corner and into an alleyway to assess the damage.
Not to himself, of course. He reached into his coat and pulled out the Faberge egg that had, like him, miraculously survived the beating and the fall.
“Phew! I think I’ve just found my new lucky charm!” A loathingly familiar shadow flew by overhead, snapping Penguin out of his trance. He tucked his prize safely back into his overcoat and hurried off… there would be plenty of time for admiring its intricacies later.
The Villain Safe House. An out of the way, abandoned shack, where villains go to lie low until they’re sure they’re not being chased anymore. Penguin had never used it, and it did cross his mind that maybe, just maybe, it was the reason Batman kept finding his secret hideouts. Well, no more! Tonight would be the start of a better, more thought out routine.
“ That’s quite the shack ... ” Penguin mused out loud, adjusting his monocle as he spotted the place in the distance. Not nearly as large as a warehouse, but certainly more than just a shack. He wondered how the Bat hadn’t ever thought to look there. Oh, well. He was almost there. Which was probably for the best. He looked and felt like he’d been run over by a garbage truck.
He gave the door a hard push, very much expecting it to be locked. It was not. The old wooden door flew open, and he flinched when it banged loudly against the wall behind it. Oops. Well, he’d made his presence known, may as well own it.
“Hello? This place occupied?” He swung the door closed and gave a cursory glance around as he made his way to an old table and metal chair. “Guess not.” He fell into the chair, which creaked and groaned under his weight. He took out his prize, and held it up, admiring the way the moonlight glinted off its golden inlays.
“In that case, for tonight, I dub this hideout the Penguin Roost .”
Penguin, however, found he wasn’t alone as a deep sigh could be heard from the shadows.
“`And just as I’d taken the highest tree in the wood […], and just as i was thinking I should be free of them at last…’ “
Penguin squawked in surprise, twisting and turning as he desperately tried to pinpoint where the voice was coming from. The villain didn’t have to search for long, as the person made themselves known: out from the shadows, behind boxes and crates, stepped out a man. A man twice his height, though Oswald would be loathed to admit that wasn’t much of a feat. Penguin glared, drawing out his umbrella to attack if need be. The newcomer’s eyes opened wide in surprise, as the hand he was hiding in his coat went to his mouth instead.
“Oh, you’re not the bandersnatch I was dreading after all.” Taking in the fierce look he was receiving made the man stiffen, as his hand went back to inside his coat again– a glare of his own following. “Though, I don’t suppose you could still be a serpent… You’d tell me if you were, wouldn’t you? It’s only polite, after all.”
The umbrella was lowered ever so slightly, more out of confusion than trust. Penguin’s snarl lessened into a frown.
“Huh?” Nothing this man had said thus far had made any sense at all. At least his fashion sense was intact. “ Great, holing up with a complete loon, this ought to be a hoot. ” He muttered, disdainfully. Either way, this man was most likely armed, and Oswald was in no condition to fight a giant tonight. He’d have to rely on the ol’ Cobblepot charm to diffuse this situation. He lowered his umbrella the rest of the way (while still keeping it handy), and smiled (although the Penguin’s smiles were never truly of the friendly nature), tucking his egg away.
“Ehh look, I think we got off on the wrong foot, here! They call me Penguin, and you are…?”
Politeness was all the man needed for him to drop his glare, as a Cheshire Cat grin spread across his face. Stepping ever closer, with a few quick strides, the man grabbed the nearest hand he could as he began shaking it vigorously.
“Not a serpent after all, but a Penguin! How d’ye do! Sorry if I startled you, I had merely thought… Well, doesn’t matter what I thought– you’re not him, and that’s that!”
The looming man gasped in surprise, his hand shaking having ceased the moment he did. He looked down at Oswald apologetically.
“Oh my, where are my manners? Here you’ve gone and given me your name, and I haven’t responded in kind. Friends call me Jervis– Jervis Tetch, that is. Though, I don’t suppose that’s the name I should be giving, is it?” Jervis paused, doing his best to recall names he had read in the paper. “You ARE a rouge, are you not? ‘You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.’ “
“ Weh! ” Penguin had to reach up and hold his hat to keep it from toppling off his head from the over enthusiastic shaking. It was hard to tell if this guy’s friendliness was genuine or not. It seemed genuine, but what kind of villain was this openly friendly? Oswald had the sneaking suspicion they were both faking. It didn’t matter, so long as he kept his mitts off his precious egg, he figured. It was only one night, and they may never cross paths again.
“An honor to make your acquaintance , Mr. Tetch.” That had come out sounding a little bit more sarcastic than he’d planned. “I can promise you, I’m as roguish as they come. Gotham’s number one, in fact!” His beady eyes shifted around the room, and he grinned slyly.
“ I can also promise I wasn’t followed. No bats in this roost!” He spread his arms to gesture around them. Jervis might be odd, but an enemy of Batman was an ally to Penguin. His grin faltered and he muttered, “Eh, you were talking about Batman , right?”
Jervis didn’t give much thought to the other villain’s behavior– people in the states always did seem to have a peculiar way of holding themselves, after all. He was just happy to meet somebody with an ounce of manners– while Arkham had its share few of people he liked, he couldn’t help but think of his dear friend who had escaped some time earlier, which was what encouraged him to take his leave– on the outside, however… Well, it was always hard to tell snarks from boojums until it was too late.
Musings aside, Jervis couldn’t help but chortle a little at his new acquaintance.
“Unfortunately, I did mean him. My run ins with our Red Knight have never been on the pleasant end of things. One can’t help but be a little weary when on the outside, as I’m sure you’ll agree.” All amusement that was on his face instantly vanished, as if he was looking at Oswald for the first time.
“Oh no, you poor thing! Just look at you, you’re all in tatters! Come now, we must fix you up immediately!”
Before Penguin could begin to feel grateful for the assistance, he was instead surprised as the strange man swiped his hat, and began scurrying to the other side of the shack– where he was quick to turn on a light that illuminated an old desk that looked stuffed to the brim with first aid equipment– as well as other odds and ends.
Jervis continued to mutter, tutting as he pulled thread and needle out of the drawers.
“It pains me to see a proper hat treated so poorly…”
“Wha- hey !” Having his hat stolen was one of Oswald’s least favorite things. The fact he was in the presence of a giant made it worse; he felt even more inadequate without his hat. An attempt to retrieve it stopped short when he realized the weirdo was attempting to fix it. At least it would save him the trouble of doing it. Sewing with tiny needles was tough when you only had a few fingers to work with.
The fact his hat had been shown sympathy before him annoyed him quite a bit, though.
“Yeah, by all means , make sure the hat’s gonna make it.” He didn’t even try hiding his sarcasm this time, using the back of his hand to wipe off the blood that had already begun to dry under his nose. He plopped back into the chair, folded his arms, and began muttering to himself.
Jervis had been deeply focused on his work, that the sarcasm flew right over his head. He hummed in agreement, as his needle weaved in and out of the felt.
“Oh, rest assured, Mr. Penguin, I would hardly consider myself a good hatter if I didn’t.’ Luckily all the damage had been a quick tear on the side of the cap, and once it was sewn Jervis tutted again. “Sadly, with what we have here, this may be the best I can do, I’m afraid. If only we were at my home, instead, I could– well, there’s no reason to be crying over spilled tea. We must make with what we have, I just hope this will suffice until you can procure proper equipment.”
He had been smiling as he looked at Cobblepot’s hat fondly, giving it a few loving strokes, when he turned to hand back the headwear to his new friend. it was in that moment he noticed the state the other man was in– and in far worse condition than his hat had been.
“ ’Oh my fur and whiskers!’ Just look at you!’ Jervis began to feel lightheaded as he noticed the blood on Penguin’s hand and face. Putting the hat back on the desk, he began to shift through the drawers for actual first-aid equipment.
“I feel just retched, Mr. Penguin– please excuse me, I’m usually not so rude. You should have said something– if i had known– I’m deeply sorry. sir. I’m not usually so scatterbrained– throwing my thoughts all over the place. With being concerned of bats– `I can’t explain MYSELF, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, `because I’m not myself, you see.’ ”
While rambling his apologies, Jervis finally found the bandages and antiseptic he was looking for.
“Please, would you mind…?”
Most of that went in one ear, and out the other. This man talked in riddles, and Penguin understood none of it. Besides, he was far too distracted by the fact he’d just watched a strange man practically fondle his hat . He took the hat when it was offered to him, but gingerly, and stared at it for awhile.
“Uh, thanks.” He replied, awkwardly, after finally deciding it wouldn’t be weird to place it back on his head. Maybe he could hire this guy to mend all of his clothes…
When he finally realized what Jervis was offering to do now, he felt a little silly. He’d made a big fuss about it, and really, a nose bleed, some scrapes, and a few bruised ribs were all he had to complain about. As a Cobblepot, the thought of being fussed over was alluring, however.
“Oh, I’ll be fine. Really. Batman mostly just shattered my pride when he shoved me off of that building . I’ll survive , I suppose.”
“A BUILDING?!” Tetch’s eyes went wide in alarm, this time his frantic nature getting the better of him as he began vigorously splashing antiseptic onto a cotton ball. “Oh, now you MUST let me try and help!”
Penguin didn’t get a chance to reply, as the Mad Hatter began dabbing away at any open wounds he could find. If he was more mindful of himself in that moment, he might have realized how queer it was to be so affectionate with a person on a first meeting. To be this concerned– but, well… it was a bat eat cat world out there ( or was it a ‘cat eat bat world’? ), surely fellow rogues must look out for each other, right?
“A building though?” Jervis started again, as he continued his work. “How positively beastly! That Jabberwock had no right to treat you this way! No matter what our actions are, aren’t we but human at the end of the day? Didn’t Batman’s mother ever teach him it’s rude to meddle in others’ affairs? `If everybody minded their own business, […] the world would go round a deal faster than it does. ’”
By the end of his mutterings the man’s voice had grown cold, and while lost in thought he may have been a little rougher in his handling of his new acquaintance than he needed to be.
“Yeah! Four stor–”
Well, that had partially backfired. He was being fussed over, alright. But that antiseptic also stung , and having the guy so up close and personal was making Oswald a little uncomfortable. He was somehow bearing it, though. That was, until the man’s tone changed and his actions began to do more than just sting.
“OW! ” Oswald snarled, shoving a hand against Jervis’ chest and craning himself away to gain as much distance as possible. “Save it for the Bat , would ya! I’m injured !”
Jervis blinked a few times, Penguin’s light shoving and yelling breaking him out of his trance. Oh, there he was again, spoiling the moment with his rudeness. Maybe the doctors had been right about him after all, with his obsessive tendencies getting the better of him.
“Yes, of course… I apologize for my actions once more, Mr. Penguin. I’m afraid it’s hard to think about Batman sometimes without letting my anger get best of me…” He sighed wearily, though he was sure it was more dramatic than it needed to be. Hatter looked the man once more over, before beginning to pack up the med kit. “That should at least keep you from any nasty infections, in any case. I would offer to look over for any bruised or fractured ribs, but I feel it might be indecent to do so– my anatomical knowledge is more academic than medicinal, I’m afraid.”
“It’s fine, it’s fine. Thanks, I’m feeling better already. ” Penguin straightened his lapels. Right. Don’t bring up the Batman. Noted.
“So! Ah, Jervis!” He forced as much cheer into his voice as he could muster, throwing in a toothy smile for good measure. “What’s your story, anyhow? Got any skills, hobbies, super powers?”
The murderous glint he’d spotted in the man’s eye for a passing moment told Oswald that Jervis might be useful for more than just mending clothes. He was always looking for new partners in crime.
“Super powers? Oh, heavens no.” Jervis couldn’t help but laugh a bit at the thought of it. “I’m afraid my talent lies more in technology. You see, back when I worked for Wayne Tech, I developed cards that allowed for me to…persuade others, I suppose would be the way I would phrase it. But then a little squabble came up, causing my poor Alice to be swept away in the scuff of it– and then a certain Jabberwock saw fit to put his nose where it didn’t belong… ” Hatter coughed politely into a gloved fist, taking note of his anger this time. “Ahem, in any case, it’s all much of a muchness, at the end of the day. My invention was seen as unethical, and I was put into Arkham for disagreeing. I’m sure you must understand. ”
Jervis might not have heard many stories, but one couldn’t live in Gotham without knowing who was terrorizing who. And during his stay at the asylum, they hadn’t had the opportunity to meet. Their comings and goings never quite meeting up, as it were. What a shame, as Jervis was finding the man to be delightful company. Once the night had passed, and he could finally leave to find Jonathan, he really must ask him a thought or two about him. It always helped to have friends on the outside, or so he heard.
“ Cards? ” Oswald spat out, cutesy get well soon cards instantly coming to mind. That really didn’t seem likely. Maybe something closer to Joker’s blade cards? A few of those whipped in your direction had the power to be pretty darn persuasive, in his experience.
But not very technical.
“Oh, I understand . … How persuasive are we talking, here? Persuasive enough to convince a Bat to wander into oncoming traffic, for instance?”
The thought of it excited him so, it caused him to slide out of the chair and mime a walking motion with one hand, walking into his other hand, eyes glinting as they watched the pretend scene.
“As persuasive as your imagination, I imagine.” Jervis hummed in recollection. “Hmm, I do think I had something similar done before, though. Not with Batman, mind you. He’s a bit too on the slippery side to pin a card down. But there were these two brutes who tried to pickpocket me… well, I hear they didn’t get to finish jumping off the bridge, but I’m sure it’s the thought that counts.”
The Mad Hatter frowned, as he shook the matter off.
“Suppose we change the subject, you must be tired of me going on about myself. I vote that you tell us a story! Surely being one of the greatest in Gotham creates some interesting exploits. Whatever DID cause your confrontation with the Red Knight, tonight?”
“Whuh, I, uh.” He’d been caught off guard. After being told this guy almost mind controlled a couple guys off a bridge, his tale of stealing things didn’t seem nearly as impressive. He recovered relatively quickly, though.
“I once harnessed the power of the sun ! Mass destruction ! Oh! And another time, I came this close to offing that Batgirl twerp with two giant axes !” He pretended to chop the air, using his umbrella as a makeshift ax. He was enjoying talking about his past escapades. Most others really didn’t care, were there when it happened (and still didn’t care), or had a restraining order out on him.
“Came pretty close to taking out your old boss, too, now that I think about it. Bruce Wayne, that is. Small world, small world.”
“Oh! Was THAT what happened to the Lighthouse? I recalled hearing it was destroyed, but the news didn’t say a thing about HOW it happened. Did you use some type of device to amplify the bulb? It had to be that, because otherwise i couldn’t imagine why the lighthouse would be used… Or was it solar powered, in the literal sense? I suppose the peak could be a great vantage point for utilizing solar power, seeing as buildings wouldn’t get in the way…”
Jervis was rambling now, but it had been so long since he talked shop– and while people like Nygma could understand what he was referring to, Riddler wasn’t much for spilling secrets about how his devices worked. Hatter carried on despite his best judgement.
“You know, I recall Mr. Wayne once talking about plans for building an alternate source of power for Gotham that could rival those of power plants. While I don’t have anything personal against the man, he was a very charitable boss, all things considered, however…” He paused, as he was thinking out loud rather than actually proposing ideas, “If you ever did decide to try that scheme again, that could always be an option of a power source.”
“No, no, it was crystals .” Penguin explained, shaking his head. “A crystal bird, and a crystal cat, a set! They were cut in just a way, when a powerful enough light source shone through ‘em, it concentrated it into a powerful laser beam! Pew! ”
Penguin slumped and wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth. He’d gotten too excited again.
“Doesn’t matter, though. The cat mysteriously went missing after Batman supposedly returned them to the museums. Peh, right. Such a big mystery where that ended up. ” He glanced over at Jervis, brow raised.
“What would I need a power source for, anyway?” Of course he wouldn’t see the point in anything that would help anyone but himself.
The Mad Hatter was quick to procure a handkerchief from his breast pocket, while it was rude to directly say something about accidental dribble, it didn’t mean he couldn’t offer assistance anyway.
“Ah, yes, I see your point,” Jervis handed over the handkerchief, doing his best to avoid coming in contact with the now offensive hand. He continued speaking, doing his best to distract from it. “I suppose it’s all mute point if the crystals are gone now… but surely you can’t believe Batman would steal, could you? Wouldn’t that be considered a crime– or at the very least hypocritical?”
“ Well what else could’ve happened to it!? ” Penguin used the offered handkerchief to wipe his mouth, and then tucked it away in his overcoat without a second thought. “Look, all I’m saying is it’s mighty suspicious that it never even made it back to the museum– I checked!” He’d begun to pace. “I mean, Catwoman coulda’ swiped it again somehow I guess… she says she didn’t but she’s a grade-A liar… and that’s not the only grade-A thing about her, either, heheh. ”
By this point it appeared he was just ranting to himself. He’d lost countless nights of sleep over that little caper. He’d been so close! And now it was on his mind again. Great.
Jervis could tell the last comment was supposedly an innuendo, though he couldn’t quite tell what it was implying. In any case, it would have been improper to ask, and so chose to ignore it all together.
“Ahem, in any case, is it possible that the original owner of the statue just took it back from the museum? I assume the piece was on loan, as many items tend to be from rich collectors. Surely it must be something to look into, I just have a hard time believing– as horrid as I find the man– that Batman would steal it.”
While saying all this, Jervis found himself pulling his watch out from his pocket to look at the time. “Ah, in any case, after everything you’ve been through, you must be famished. While I doubt there’s bread and butter, Jonathan mentioned that there might be something lying around. Something about canned goods? I mostly recalled him stressing I’ll have to help replenish it later…”
The taller man stood up from his seat, once again a looming figure as he went off to the other side of the shack where there were boxes labeled ‘food’. Jervis once again found himself marveling at the sense of community that his fellow rouges created. While he knew better than to trust everyone, still, it was nice knowing that such a place existed as a safe haven for all of them.
Though, he had to admit, he also enjoyed playing host in general. “You know,” Jervis shouted across the way, as half of himself was buried in one of the boxes, “it’s such a shame this is our first time meeting. While I was told it would be for the best to stay away from the Joker– ‘welcome little fishes in with gently smiling jaws’ , and all that. Yet none thought to mention that I should introduce myself to you. A slight oversight, I’m sure!”
Penguin had successfully been distracted, first by the mention of food, and then by being accidentally insulted.
“… No one mentioned me?” He whined, but sat down at the old table like a child awaiting to be served his dinner, nevertheless. “Catwoman? Manbat? … Killer Moth!? No one?” Hmph! Typical. Of course Joker held top billing around here, even if he was an inferior villain… for the most part. The flashiest plumage always attracted the most attention.
“ Maybe I should start dressing like rainbow barf, maybe that’ll get those morons’ attention. ” He mumbled, glaring at the table while he absentmindedly played with a piece of debris that had been left there.
“Well, if it helps the matter, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them yet. I had merely meant Jonathan and Edward– oh! Should I be using our nom de plumes?” Jervis straightened himself up, as he quickly inspected the expiration dates on a few of the cans of sardines that were available. Hatter went on, even as he walked back across the room to offer the makeshift meal to his guest. “ I believe you might know them more as Scarecrow and the Riddler? As I said, I’m sure it was merely an oversight.”
It was more the smell of fish than Jervis’ words that picked Penguin’s spirits up off the ground. He greedily snatched the container without a thank you even crossing his mind.
“Oh yeah, those guys.” He upended the can and emptied the entire thing into his gaping maw, chewing loudly. “They haven’t had the pleasure of working with El Penguino . So I guess they wouldn’t know.” He used the back of his hand to wipe away the escaped fish juice from his face, despite having a perfectly good handkerchief he’d swiped earlier.
“They were right about the Joker , though. He’s bad news and bad company.” The frown that accompanied this statement seemed to credit his claim. That was enough on that subject.
“So what’ll they be calling you? The papers, I mean.” Villains rarely, if ever, went by their actual names. And while he was sure this was a face he wouldn’t soon forget, screaming headlines were louder than pictures.
Jervis couldn’t help but think of the Walrus and the Carpenter as Penguin greedily ate his fill of fish. While usually he would find such table manners rude, the whimsy of it all had him opening up another can and handing it over. ‘ They might not be oysters, ‘ Jervis mused to himself, ‘ but I imagine it would have been just about the same spectacle. ’
The man’s grin spread beamishly wider, as his new acquaintance asked of his villain name. ‘ “Come, we shall have some fun now!’ thought Alice,” ’, Jervis yet again mused to himself, before adding aloud: “Ah, the papers saw fit to name me after the famous Carrollean character: the Mad Hatter. Surely, you must be familiar with ‘Alice in Wonderland’? It is a literary staple, after all.”
The second can of fish suffered the same fate as the first. This was nice! It was like having a servant again. The man was a natural! Oswald found himself distantly wondering if maybe he was related to the Pennyworths down the line.
“Never heard of it.” Oswald replied through a mouthful of fish. He swallowed and smirked. “ But with the way you keep mentioning this Alice chick, I can imagine what kind of story it is . ” He gave Jervis a look over and decided that, yes, he was definitely dressed as some kind of pimp. How brazen of him! Almost admirable.
“The Mad Hatter, huh? Nice, nice. You know most folks around here go with animal themes. You’ve got Catwoman, she’s into feline-related crimes , you’ve got me , I do bird related crimes, there’s Killer Croc, he uh. He’s a crocodile, or something…” He trailed off. Where was he going with this? Oh! “But you! Hats. And women. That’s. That’s really something. Good on you.” He didn’t get it, but it was definitely unique.
Luckily for Jervis he didn’t have time to process what was being implied about both his beloveds, as he found himself enthralled by Penguins mannerisms. (Though one worries about how scandalized he’d be if he thought about this conversation again at a later date.)
“Oh, well,” Hatter began, twiddling his thumbs casually, “I wouldn’t say my crimes are women related. It was just the one time , you see, with only Alice. But, ah– since then I’ve only been out of Arkham a few times to do a caper or two. More like mundane robberies, if anything. I’ve been trying to procure funds for my next big project: taking my technology a step further, going from placing people into non-cognitive hypnosis, to actually forcing a state of R.E.M sleep. And with it, being able to control others’ fantasies. Let them live the life they’ve always dreamed of! Why, imagine what it could do– and how it could be used!” Jervis clapped excited. “It’ll be the perfect way to get Batman out of my– all of our hairs!”
“Whoa.” This man was disgusting! A real deviant. Oswald felt kinship blooming. “Are we talking virtual reality ? Where the women only scream and slap you when you want them to? Where anything is possible? Now that sounds like a primo business opportunity ! Guys’ll line up around the block for that kind of thing! Ready to shell out the dough for five minutes alone with their fantasies.”
He wondered if it was too late to get in on this. Both as a co-owner, and as a customer. His expression grew confused then.
“I’m not seeing how it’ll get rid of Batman, though. I mean, I know a little action has its calming effects , but the Batman ? I don’t buy it.”
Women slapping people? That wasn’t exactly what made up the Hatter’s fantasies, they were more aligned with the numerous nightmares he had of rejection over the years– which had been even more predominate since a certain incident.
“Heavens no, nothing like that!” Jervis quickly assured. “I don’t want to put others through such a thing– it would merely be a gift for him, and him alone. Though, it wouldn’t be virtue reality– no holograms will be used– it’ll be more like stimulating the pleasure centers of his mind. He’ll want to remain in his own little Bat Wonderland, living the life he’s always dreamed to, and thus he’ll never be a problem for us again. All I would need to do is catch him off guard, slip on the device, and then we’ll be too busy dreaming of Red Kings to even wonder who is truly dreaming who!”
Jervis’ smile slipped from his face, as he looked down at his fellow rouge.
“Of course I’m saying all of this is theoretical. I’ll first need to build the contraption, after all. Find a pawn or two to test it on before going after the bat– but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work.”
Penguin was doing his best to understand, an awkward silence drawing out as he put the pieces together.
“Soo… the plan is to put Batman into some sort of… good dream coma? Hrm.” This guy was really starting to seem like the, ‘Kill ‘em With Kindness’ sort of fellow. While every other villain in Gotham was busy thinking of ways to murder the Bat, Jervis was over here scheming about tucking him in for nap-naps.
“Well, whatever gets him out of the way, I guess. ” He shrugged. He supposed, in the end, it really didn’t matter how or why Batman was gone. He had half a mind to volunteer to try it out, but honestly, Jervis’ little hobby of forcing people into wet dreams was kind of creeping him out. “Good luck with that, pal, I’ll be rooting for you.”
Creepy or not, a man with a penchant for mind control would still prove a dangerous foe… and an even more useful ally. Best leave things on good terms.
Oh, Jervis must have said something wrong. His new friend seemed displeased with his plan, perhaps it wasn’t flashy enough to his liking?
“You don’t like it, do you?” The Mad Hatter frowned, though did his best to wipe it away with a more neutral expression. “I know I’m still, well, new at this. But you must understand, I prefer to go ‘off with their heads’ merely as a last resort, even with someone as frumious as the Batman.” He sighed. “Blood is an awful sight… and hard to clean up.”
“Although…” Jervis’ frown disappeared as he leaned in closer to Penguin, his grin once again returning in full force. “Just because *I* abhor such a thing, doesn’t mean you don’t have the gumption for it. Tell me, my rare Dodo of a friend, how would YOU devise Batman’s end? I’m sure you MUST have thought about it a time or two!”
Penguin couldn’t help but smile at that. Now this was a much more interesting conversation! And, yes, he may have thought about it a time or two…
“I have had a lot of time to think it over back in Arkham. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say, it’d be messy and permanent.” He stood now, already knowing he’d be pacing again.
“Y'know one time I thought I’d finally gotten rid of him? Knocked unconscious, plummeted into the deep, dark waters of the bay, no one else around for miles. You’d think that’d be the end of ‘em, right? Well it wasn’t! ” He’d paused in his pacing to throw up his hands in frustration.
“He popped up again weeks later like nothing ever happened! And I’m not the only guy in Gotham that was sure they’d wiped him out for good, only for him to pop up again, either.” He’d made his way over to the table again, his hands balled into fists. He’d begun speaking through clenched teeth.
“ That’s why, after I off ‘im next time, I’ll feed his remains to my birds . That way I know he ain’t comin’ back!” He punctuated this by pounding his fists on the table for emphasis. He relaxed slightly, folding his arms and slumping back into the chair, expression resembling that of a grumpy child.
“Maybe you’re onto somethin’ though. If we can’t keep the Bat dead , maybe we can at least keep ‘im asleep .” he muttered.
“Hmm, can’t say I’m surprised– rodents refusing to drown in pools of tears is a tired trope, I’m afraid.” Hatter really wish he had found tea among the boxes– he couldn’t help but feel taking a sip from his cup would have delightfully punctuated his feelings on the matter. Still, he gave an undignified sniff of disdain instead.
Disdain was quick to turn to alarm as Penguin’s fist slamming on the table caused him to flinch. Jervis blinked away the surprise, as he looked at his companion in wonder.
“Oh my, that would be quite the feat of a feast, I suppose. Would your birds actually go for it? I’m aware they can be carnivorous, and vultures preferring to scavenge, and the like. But would you actually be able to train them to eat Batman alive, as it were?”
How beastly! How savage! How… well, intriguing of a development this was! Mr. Penguin was not only delightful company, but talented as well!
“Oh yeah! You’d be surprised.” Now he was getting to talk about his birds. Could this night get any better? “Why I had ‘em ready and willing to gobble up Brucie’s little butler friend not too long ago. Nosy little Pennyworth broke into my home, just to steal my dinner plate, so I fed ‘im to my birds!” Oswald averted his gaze momentarily.
“ Well, tried to anyway. ” He mumbled. “Batman swooped in and ruined it of course, but they were up for a little fresh meat!”
Oswald paused to lean over the table, lowering his voice as if sharing a secret.
“Have you ever watched a bird eat a guy before? They like to start with the eyes, and the tongue. You know, the real squishy bits. Their favorite!”
Jervis found himself swimming in dread, at the very thought of it. And with it, another Alice quote came to mind: “I’ll be judge, I’ll be jury,” said cunning old Fury: “I’ll try the whole cause, and condemn you to death.”’ And not a way of going out he’d wished to be sentenced to.
It was strange how many different characters the Hatter felt like pinning on his new friend. But he supposed if an Alice could grow to become a queen, then anybody could change who or what they were as many time as they pleased in one conversation.
Now Jervis really wished he had something to drink, as he attempted to swallow down his apprehension.
“I… I can’t say that’s a sight I’ve ever seen before, no. One can’t but hope to never see it face to face– or eye to beak, as it were. However, I’ll take your word for it, Mr. Penguin. I’m sure it’s an effective way of making sure none others dare cross you again.”
“You know it!” Oswald adjusted his bow tie, his ego successfully stroked. “No one in Gotham’s crazy enough to mess with this bird.” His proud grin slipped for a moment when the visage of the craziest guy in Gotham crossed his mind. “ Well, almost no one. ”
His joyful expression returned quickly, though. “But hey, call me Ozzy. Or, Oswald, if you’d prefer.” Real names were typically reserved for friends, but he felt pretty certain this guy was friend material, questionable hobbies aside. He stood, and stretched.
“Welp, I think it’s time I hit the hay. Nice chat and uh, good luck with your meetup tomorrow.”
All queasiness and apprehension vanished, like a gentle breeze to a candle, as he instead found himself smiling. OH! So the Dodo had a name after all? Jervis shouldn’t have been surprised, he supposed. What sort of Christian name would ‘Penguin’ have been? Still, the logic of birds being named after their species had made sense.
… Not that he really considered his new friend to be a flightless bird for real… Probably.
In any case, Hatter grasped the other villain’s hand once more for a final shake.
“Oswald it is then! Such a shame we can’t stay and chat longer. But, appointments must be kept, after all. We can only ask Time to wait so long. STILL, I do so hope to see you sooner than later. I would be delighted to share your company again– hopefully without fear of twinkling bats looming about.”
Jervis found himself waving even as Penguin walked out into the night. It really was a shame that their fun had to be ended just as soon as it began. But, well… he couldn’t help but feel that this wouldn’t be his last encounter with the elusive bird.
Jervis sighed one last time, before collecting himself to make his own leave.
“I really shall have to tell Jonathan all about it. ‘Tis truly a surprise Oswald hasn’t come up in talks before!”