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There were days Xuxi felt good about themselves. There were days when they enjoyed being tall and muscular, ready to move mountains and pick stars out of the sky. But today wasn't one of those days.
Today all Xuxi wanted was to smash all mirrors that were in their way, stay in bed and curl up in a ball, while crying profusely. Though they felt incredibly stupid every time they cried. Of course, with the logical side of their brain, they knew that crying was okay and the fact that they were a big person didn't matter because all people cry and that it's a very good way to get rid of emotions. But with the other, overtly emotional, useless, illogical side of their brain... well, that just told Xuxi that they looked weak and pathetic, and embarrassing doing so. Usually, that lead to crying even more if they had already started to, but by then there was no way to stop.
Xuxi had no idea what part of their brain decided on whether or not they would feel dysphoric but they were ready to do anything to get it out of their head. If Xuxi knew what to do to stop feeling like that, they'd definitely have done whatever it is but so far everything they had tried only made them feel worse. The other day they had tried to just ignore it and try to avoid looking at places that'd put certain body parts in their peripheral - that didn't work. Then another day they had tried to work out to clear their mind but when they had to take a shower, it felt horrible to see just how Boy they looked like.
So now Xuxi was trying another method - lying in bed, not moving and hoping that the feeling would just go away on its own. Xuxi had a bad suspicion that it may not work but they were willing to try.
Xuxi had promised that the next time they'd feel very dysphoric, they'd call Ten, their boyfriend. Ten had said that he would come over and make sure that they were okay and try to make Xuxi feel better in any way possible. Though at this point, even their voice was ready to make Xuxi's insides crawl. It was horrible, having to live like this. They would've been so thankful to all the deities for just being cis but instead, Xuxi just had to be non-binary.
Sure, you could argue that gender isn't the most important thing out there and that there weren't that many definite stereotypes of what non-binary people were supposed to look like. But that was kind of the hardest thing for Xuxi, too. Not knowing what to do so they'd get recognized as Not Boy outside of their friend group. Usually, the media portrayed it - IF they portrayed it - as dressing more traditionally masculine or feminine based on the assigned gender but Xuxi... didn't really feel like wearing high heels or skirts, or something like that. They were sure they'd rock it on any day other than today but that wasn't the point. In most of society, they wouldn't be looked at as a gender-neutral person but rather as a boy and that... hurt Xuxi a lot.
A knock interrupted Xuxi's thought path. A knock that they chose to ignore this time around. It was probably Donghyuck or Renjun, wanting to go out but Xuxi felt like it was fair this time to not go.
But the fact that Xuxi didn't react apparently had no impact on the intruder who, after all, was actually their boyfriend. Ten seemed surprised upon seeing Xuxi lying there in the bed but ignoring him. He raised an eyebrow and crawled into bed next to his datemate.
"What are you doing, baby?" Ten spoke up softly and gazed upon Xuxi. He took one of their hands into his and softly caressed it.
Xuxi didn't feel like talking. The thought of opening their mouth seemed sickening as if the bass of Xuxi's voice would just shake their body so hard that they wouldn't be able to hold their tears in anymore. Instead, they just shook their head, which definitely made it move way more than just speaking but the previous statement could be taken figuratively.
"Words, baby," he squeezed Xuxi's hand encouragingly.
What Xuxi had forgotten was that Ten had no idea what made them dysphoric most so he couldn't really tell what was wrong. For all the boy knew now, Xuxi could have just lost their voice and not been able to say anything. They had a tendency of hiding at the times when they felt down the most and avoiding the whole talking about their problems part. So because of that, Ten was clueless and Xuxi had to use their voice to explain.
"I'm," Xuxi could literally feel his voice, not only hear it, "just feeling very dysphoric and my voice is making me feel like shit as well because it's so deep and I hate it," they came clean. Ten had never yet experienced how it was when Xuxi felt down, them sheltering their boyfriend with all they could, just so he wouldn't see the downsides of dating them. Xuxi felt a traitorous tear sliding down their cheek and onto the pillow but because they were still lying down, Ten could've missed it.
"Oh," Ten frowned in sympathy. "I personally think that your voice is the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. Better than any music I've heard, it's more than just ten out of ten," he said and sat on Xuxi's lower stomach, his legs on either side of the younger. "Music to my ears. Absolutely lovely," Ten leaned down to kiss both of Xuxi's cheeks.
A small smile crept on Xuxi's face, they were more than sure that they had done something heroic in their past life to deserve Ten. He was the only person that could change a situation like this in a compliment session and Xuxi loved that. Xuxi loved Ten just in general. For everything he had done, starting from just his existence.
"In fact, every single one of your features," Ten pressed a small kiss on Xuxi's lips, "is remarkable. Absolutely perfect and cute, and pretty," he said, kissing the younger's nose. "There is no part of you that isn't absolutely angelic, baby. You are so perfect," he kissed Xuxi's forehead and cupped their cheeks. "And I'm in love with all of you, exactly the way you are. And I know that that's not helping with dysphoria but I want you to know that you are flawless in my eyes."
"I love you," Xuxi whispered and hugged their boyfriend who was now lying on top of them, instead of sitting.
"I love you, too, baby," Ten replied and smiled at Xuxi with a warm glow in his eyes. "I'm so lucky to have you. I've got no clue what I'd do if I didn't have the one and only, Mx. Huang Xuxi."
Xuxi had been out for a few months now already but every time someone used the correct pronouns for them or referred to them with gender-neutral made Xuxi very, very happy and their heart to flutter slightly.
"You know how to make everything better," Xuxi said and smiled.
Of course, they still felt down but having Ten there for them, ready to tell a bunch of compliments and do anything to make Xuxi feel better really made them a bit happier. The knowledge that they had such an amazing boyfriend and that he wouldn't go anywhere just because they were having a bad day meant a lot. Xuxi hadn't meant to doubt Ten before but it was just what everyone had to go through to get on a certain level of trust and now he was on the highest one.