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Jim sat frozen.
One of the few remaining survivors of the massacre that had taken place twenty years ago on Tarsus IV had died. The message which had come from Thomas Leighton's wife had mentioned there would be a service, Jim couldn't answer to say whether he would attend or not yet. He was too consumed with the initial news. It had been an accident or that's what it sounded like. How could this have happened to Leighton? He lived a fairly regular life and hadn't he gone through enough in his life? How could it end like that?
He hadn't seen Thomas in a long time and he regretted not seeing him sooner. They'd become good friends through their shared experiences. Jim closed his eyes tightly, trying to dispel rising memories. He didn't want to think about that place, those people. It was a terrible time in his past, one he did not reflect upon often. He wouldn't now either, he didn't have the time or luxury to wallow in his grief, and he wasn't about to become vulnerable in front of his crew.
He closed the message and headed to the bridge.
Stepping out of the turbo lift he made a bee line to his chair. He sat down putting the message and Thomas Leighton to the back of his mind. He straightened his back and turned to Sulu.
"How are we doing Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu swiveled to face him.
"We should be arriving in the next three hours, Captain."
Jim nodded.
"Good."
"Sir?"
Jim turned to face Uhura.
"Yes, Lieutenant."
"I have a message from one of the government heads of Targ. He says he and his fellow senators are anxious on the federation's decision."
"Tell them that we will discuss the negotiations when we arrive as planned."
"Yes, Captain. Oh, and Senator Kodos also sends his sincerest wishes that you will both reach an understanding."
Jim stilled, his face draining of colour. He could feel his hands start to tremble. He tried to compose himself.
"Senator Ko-" Jim swallowed. "Did you say-"
"The message came from Senator Kodos." Uhura looked at her captain oddly. "Is there something wrong, Captain?"
Jim's hearing turned muffled and he started to feel his chest constrict. Uhura looked concerned and she kept saying things but Jim couldn't make it out, he suddenly felt very self conscious about everyone looking at him. He needed to get off the bridge.
"Uh, Uhura- no. Nothing's wrong." He stood hastily. "Tell Ko- the Senator I hope the same. I'll be in my quarters." He exited the bridge like it was on fire, Uhura watched him with growing worry.
The moment Jim dove into the turbo lift, Spock emerged from the other side of the bridge. He looked up from his PADD and noticed everyone's worried expressions. He looked to Uhura curiously.
She approached him as he passed.
"There's something wrong with the Captain."
Spock's brow furrowed.
"Wrong? What is wrong?"
Uhura looked around the bridge, turned her back to the others and lowered her voice.
"He was acting really strange and he practically ran off the bridge. He looked scared Spock."
Spock thought for a moment.
"I can think of no reason why the Captain should feel so. Do you know where he went?"
"He said he was going to his quarters."
Spock nodded.
"I shall check on him."
Uhura placed a hand on his arm and gave a small smile.
*
Spock had gone to Jim's quarters but he wasn't there. He had checked with Uhura and she had confirmed that that was where he had said he'd be. Spock had checked in sickbay asking McCoy if he had seen him. McCoy had been suspicious and had asked why he would think Jim would be there. Spock had only mentioned that he was not in his quarters where he had been before, he did not think it prudent to rouse the doctor's suspicions until he saw Jim himself.
"Forgive me for disturbing you, Doctor McCoy. I shall look elsewhere for the Captain."
McCoy watched dubiously as Spock turned and left sickbay.
Spock had looked in nearly every rec room and still could not find Jim. Finally, an idea popped into his head.
The observation deck.
It seemed obvious that Jim would be there now. He got into the turbo lift and headed down.
*
Spock stepped out of the lift looking around. He caught sight of Jim staring out, one arm raised, his forearm leant against the window, the other hanging heavily by his side. Spock could not see his face as he approached slowly. He stopped in his tracks however when he saw tears streaking his Captains face.
Jim was gazing blankly at the stars, seemingly unaware of the tears falling. Spock stood frozen to the spot, not expecting to find Jim in this state. Worry that had been underlying suddenly escalated. Something was very wrong.
Spock had still gone unnoticed. He was unsure whether to make himself known, he did not want to invade Jim's privacy.
Jim must have sensed his presence because he blinked, coming out of his daze and turned his head.
"Oh!" Jim turned his face away. "Spock. What are you doing here?"
"I did not mean to disturb you, Captain. Uhura mentioned that you might have been feeling ill." Spock spoke awkwardly. He'd never known how to handle someone in an emotional state and somehow it threw him even more when it was Jim. "I shall leave you. Forgive the intrusion."
"No."
Spock raised his brow.
"I mean, I'm fine. It was nice of Uhura to be worried but I'm... fine." Jim sniffed.
Spock knew something was affecting Jim. He had no clue as to what could cause him to become so emotional that he would have to hide himself.
"With all due respect, you do not seem fine."
Jim looked at Spock.
"What makes you say that?"
"I am not an expert but usually one cries when they are in distress."
Jim looked confused for a moment then brought a hand up to his face and felt the wetness there.
"I'm crying." He said flatly. "I hadn't realised..." He lowered his hand and studied his damp fingers.
Spock watched him, worried about Jim's state of mind.
"Captain... is there something I can do?"
"No, Spock." He took a breath then attempted to plaster a smile on his face. "Anyway, don't worry about me. I'll see you up on the bridge in a minute."
Spock did not move.
"I do not think you should return just yet. There is something that is troubling you, as your second in command it would be remiss of me to overlook your current state of emotional wellbeing."
Jim's forced smile faded. His eyes grew darker.
"I appreciate that, Mister Spock, but it is none of your business."
He moved past Spock, intending to return to the bridge. Spock attempted to take hold of Jim's arm to stop him and talk to him more but his hand caught his wrist instead, touching bare skin. Great waves of anxiety, sadness and regret rushed into him through the contact, Spock reeled back from it.
Jim looked down at his hand, eyes wide. When he met Spock's he knew what had just happened.
"How dare you." He wasn't just embarrassed, he was angry. All of his pent up emotions merging into bitterness, unfairly being aimed now at Spock.
"Jim-" Spock saw Jim's anger, he felt it still lingering at the edges of his senses. "Captain. I did not mean to-"
Jim was already turning away, attempting to leave. Spock had felt just the surface of Jim's turmoil, he could only imagine what kind of anguish Jim was going through. He could not allow Jim to return to duty as he was. He intercepted Jim before he could reach the turbo lift.
"I cannot permit you to go back to the bridge. You are not fit-"
"For duty? I'm perfectly able to return to my station. Step aside, Mister Spock." Jim's tone was off and Spock knew he was stepping into dangerous territory.
"I can't do that." His expression turned sympathetic. "Jim. What I felt-"
"What you felt, you had no right to feel. I won't ask again, Spock. Get out of my way."
"Why are you so afraid?"
Jim stared at Spock, his anger warring with the temptation to tell him everything.
"You are on thin ice, Commander. It's none of your-" Jim steadied himself when he felt his voice falter. "of your concern."
Spock studied Jim's face. He was trying his best to keep it together.
"I am your friend. I do not wish to see you distressed."
Jim swallowed and pursed his lips, feeling his resolve close to breaking.
"I-" His voice came out a whisper, his throat tightening as he tried to hold back his bubbling emotions. "I can't." He shook his head as tears threatened to spill again. "Please... " He dropped his head, looking at his feet before gazing at Spock again, this time all anger had drained away and he was left looking imploringly at him. "I can't do this right now. "
Spock had never seen Jim like this before and he'd never felt such a mix of negative emotions, not since he had melded with Admiral Pike before he had died. How could he possibly allow him to leave without trying to discern what was causing them.
"Captain, you must know I cannot let you go like this. If I am unable to help then perhaps Doctor McCoy-"
"No, I don't need help Spock. Not from anyone-"
"I have to disagree. You are in emotional pain, to suppress so many emotions at once is detrimental-"
"That's rich coming from you."
Spock and Jim stared at each other.
"Please. Let me help."
"I'm not so sure you can."
"Will you permit me to try?"
Spock let his offer hang between them waiting for Jim to answer.
Jim sighed.
"I don't know if I can get myself to talk about it. I wouldn't know where to begin if I could."
"Perhaps, what upset you on the bridge."
Jim put his hands on his hips, letting out a breath. He nodded.
"Alright. Okay."
Spock waited patiently.
"A message came from one of the Senators from Targ. Their name... " Jim took another breath. "reminded me of someone I hadn't allowed myself to think about in a long time."
"May I ask the Senator's name?"
Jim turned back to the observatory window, closing his eyes, steeling himself to answer.
"Kodos. I haven't heard that name in nearly twenty years."
Spock's brow furrowed.
"I do not know of another Kodos. This is a person from your past?"
"It's unlikely that you would have. He disappeared not long after-" Jim exhaled shakily.
Spock could sense that whoever this person was from Jim's past was a source of great pain. He was also aware that he knew very little about Jim before his time at Starfleet.
"If it is too difficult for you..."
"Have you ever heard of Tarus IV?"
Spock filtered through to try and find any knowledge he might have on such a planet. He thought he may have heard of the name mentioned in relation to Jim in his file but he had not read too deep respecting Jim's privacy and perhaps to find out more about Jim by being told by him directly.
"I do not believe I have knowledge of such a place."
"I spent a few years there when I was younger. Me and a few other boys went for various reasons."
"Why did you go?"
"To get away from things." Jim stated off into the distance. "I thought it would be a good idea." He added in a whisper. He slowly walked back to the window, Spock following close behind.
"Like what?" Spock asked tentatively.
Jim shrugged. "My mum, although she wasn't around all that often anyway, my step dad, he was such a jerk to me and my brother. I just wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere better..." Jim's voice cracked. "I was an idiot."
"What happened?"
"I got to know some boys who had joined the colony that were the same age as me." A ghost of a smile flickered across his lips. "We became friends quickly. I wish we had met under different circumstances, then they would still be-" Jim surprised Spock by banging his fist onto the glass.
"Jim." Spock hesitated with placing a hand on his shoulder, he decided against it.
"Spock... I don't want you to think differently of me. My past is... " he sighed frustradly, dropping his head.
"I did not know the you then, but I do know you now. Whatever your past holds it will not effect how I regard you."
Jim shook his head.
"How can you be sure? What if you hate me after I tell you?"
"I find that highly unlikely."
The corner of Jim's lips twitched.
"Alright."
Jim turned around and leant back onto the window then slid down, sitting on the floor. Spock looked down at him.
"Sit with me." Jim tipped his head to the space beside him. Spock complied, carefully seating himself cross legged next to him.
"I don't know where to begin."
"Perhaps from the beginning."
Jim nodded.
"Okay, uh, when we arrived on Tarsus it seemed too good to be true. We were some of the first colonists to inhabit the planet, everyone had a job to do and everyone helped each other out. For the first year or so everything was great. Nobody expected for there to be a famine."
Spock's eyes widened imperceptibly but he remained silent for Jim to continue if he so pleased.
"Then everything changed. People started turning on each other and nobody knew what to do, it didn't seem like help was going to come and people panicked. Nobody wanted to starve, so they turned to the leader of our colony for a solution." He scoffed bitterly, clenching his fists. "Some solution."
Quiet settled between them. Spock waited a moment before speaking.
"The leader. Was his name-"
"Kodos?" Jim looked at Spock sharply.
Spock's expression did not change.
"You mentioned he disappeared. Why?"
Jim's hardened look faded, he turned his face away as he continued.
"Help hadn't come and things were getting desperate. He-" Jim shut his eyes tightly. "He made the decision to- to kill anyone he deemed weak. His idea was to pick out those who he didn't think was going to make it anyway. The old, the sick, there were children-" His voice failed him and fresh tears slipped down his cheeks.
Spock sat beside him speechless. He saw Jim trembling and this time he did put a hand on his shoulder. He could think of nothing he could say to comfort his friend but perhaps what Jim needed right now was his support through his presence, words would be no use now, Jim wasn't looking for that.
"I only lived because I was lucky. I didn't even do anything to stop it."
"What could you have done?"
"I don't know... but it should have been more than doing nothing and just watching those people die."
"That may have gotten you killed as well. Their deaths are not on you."
Jim shook his head then looked at the floor.
"I got a message today."
Spock's eyes scanned him, questioning. Jim met them as he continued.
"It was from Thomas Leighton's wife, one of the boys I used to know from back then... he died, Spock."
"His death resurfaced unsavoury memories?"
Jim gave a small nod. "That and the Senator's name. Both of those things together just brought everything back. I thought I had learned to handle it... It was so long ago and yet... it feels like it happened yesterday."
"Such a tragedy witnessed at such a young age is not something that can merely be forgotten. It is not practical to presume that you can just move on and not have it affect you. No one would expect you to." Spock said softly.
"I envy you sometimes, you know."
Spock cocked his head. "You do?"
"You don't let things get to you. Sometimes I wish I could just choose not to feel anything. Turn off the noise for awhile."
"I do not think you would. Your capacity to feel is what makes you the person you are now who is someone I have come to admire."
Jim looked at him surprised. He gave him a watery smile.
"Thank you, Spock. But you have to admit emotions can be a hindrance sometimes."
"Perhaps. But what is important is that we don't let them control us."
"I know." Jim sighed. "It's just so hard sometimes."
"To know the right balance of self discipline can prove difficult. But, if you-" Spock looked unsure.
"What?" Jim asked, looking at him curiously.
Spock did not look at him as he spoke. "If you wished I could help you. It would take time but I believe some of the Vulcan practices which I am quite familiar with would be of benefit to you." Spock chanced a look towards Jim. "If you wished."
Jim felt extremely touched and perhaps a little apprehensive. "Maybe I'll take you up on that offer."
"It is available to you whenever you may require it."
Jim held Spock's gaze, a silent understanding and comfort passing between them.
They stayed sat on the floor together for a little longer, Spock simply waiting for Jim to compose himself. Eventually Jim let out a long breath.
"Alright. I should get back to the bridge."
"Are you quite sure?" Spock asked.
"Yeah. I'm good."
Spock looked him over worriedly but gave him space to decide what he wanted. He followed him as they exited the observatory. Jim stopped and turned to Spock before they stepped out.
"Ah, thank you, Spock, again, for um... " He jerked his head. "You know, back there. I, uh-"
"You are welcome. Jim."
They held each others gaze until Uhura on the comm broke the moment.
"Captain. Captain Kirk."
"Yes, Leiutenant." Jim responded.
"We're coming up on Targ, sir. "
"Thank you, Uhura. I'll be right up."
Jim turned to leave but noticed Spock still looking at him.
"What is it, Spock?"
"Perhaps I could beam down in your place. I would be willing to-"
"I appreciate the thought Spock, but I'll be fine. I can hardly not be present."
"Then would you allow me to join you? I may be of help with the negotiations."
"I suppose I may benefit from having you there. I wouldn't want to ask too much of you though."
"I believe, Captain, I was the one who asked."
Jim gave a lopsided smile. "So you did. Well, Mister Spock. Shall we? "
Spock inclined his head and they headed back to the bridge, Jim feeling the slightest bit more peaceful in himself. He still had a lot to work through, but he thought as he looked to Spock at his side it'd be a little easier from here on out.