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You met the Winchesters at the age of eighteen when your parents were brutally killed by a couple of demons. You would have also died if the Winchesters guardian angel, Castiel, hadn’t healed your battered body. After the attack, the boys and the angel, or “Team Free Will” as Dean liked to call them, claimed you as one of their own. You considered yourself lucky once you realized that they didn’t just let anyone else into their small circle of trust.
But lately you hadn’t been feeling so lucky. Here you were two years later still traveling and hunting with Team Free Will. It’s not that you didn’t enjoy being with the posse and ganking monsters, but you weren’t sure if this was something you wanted to do for the rest of your life. Well, you weren’t sure you even had a choice. Dean has said, more than once, that once you get in the life there’s no getting out. If that was the truth, then you could never have a career, or kids, for that matter. No. There was no way you would bring a child into this cruel world, especially one as cruel as yours.
What was the purpose of hunting? Saving people. But what was the point of saving these people if at the end of the day you still felt empty? Saving people wasn’t going to bring your parents back. Saving people doesn’t eliminate that fact that Sam, Dean, and Castiel could die at any moment. If that ever happened, you would lose yourself. You're nothing without them. They had become your family.
No, you weren’t going to stick around and wait for that to happen. You weren’t going to put yourself in the line of fire and suffer. But if you didn't hunt, then what would you do? You had no money, no work experience, and no college education. You wouldn’t get far. You considered your last option. The option that you always kept at the back of your mind. You wouldn’t have to worry about saving people or hunting things. You wouldn’t have to ever see any of the boys in graves. There would be nothing. No more pain, no more suffering. It seemed like the best option. Now all you had to do was leave.
You quickly rummaged through the drawers and stuffed all of your belongings in the two black duffel bags that were sitting on your bed. It didn’t take much time to pack since you didn't have a lot of stuff to begin with.You knew the boys were in their rooms at the moment so you quietly snuck out of your room and made your way to the front door of the bunker. What you didn’t bet on was a certain angel catching you in the act of leaving.
“(Y/N)?” You quickly turned around and put down the duffel bags at your sides. Castiel gave you his signature head tilt.
“Uh, yeah?” You smiled, trying to appear normal and not like you were just going to run out on him and the boys.
“Where are you going?” The angel gestured to the duffel bags.
“Um,” You racked your brain for a believable answer. “On a trip.” You nodded. It wasn't exactly a lie. You were going on a trip. Most trips are temporary but this one would be permanent.
“Where? Did Sam and Dean give consent for you to go on this trip?” You felt a bit annoyed. Sam and Dean were not your parents.
“Somewhere,” You snapped. “And I don’t need their permission to go out, Cas. I’m not a child. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” Castiel seemed taken back by the harsh tone of your voice. You quickly began to apologize to him. "I'm sorry, Cas, I-"
“Hey, guys. What’s going on?” Once you heard Sam’s voice, you sighed. Now you were never going to get to leave. All you needed was for Dean to come waltzing in.
“Nothing.” You said quickly while trying to kick the duffel bags behind you. You weren’t being very discreet so Sam saw what you were doing. He glanced at the bags and then looked at you. His brown eyes were tinted with sadness. Sam knew. He always knew. The guy could read you like a book.
“Am I late to the party?” Dean asked as he strolled up to the scene. He was wearing a cocky smile but it quickly disappeared when he saw you backed up against the door with two bags lying on the floor behind you. His green eyes flashed with anger.
“(Y/N), what’s going on? Where are you going?” His voice was now low and nowhere near as chirpy as it was a second ago.
“It seems as though (Y/N) is leaving.” Castiel stated simply. "I assume her clothes and basic necessities are packed in those bags.”
“No shit, Cas. What I want to know is why she’s leaving and why she didn’t let anyone know she was leaving.”
“Dean.” Sam said, chiming into the conversation. You knew he was going to try to diffuse the situation.
“No, Sam. I want an explanation.” He crossed his arms and waited for you to respond. He was making this much harder then it needed to be. You figured the only way he would get off your back was if you fought him.
“Why do you need an explanation, Dean? You’re not my guardian. You don’t need to know where I’m going or why I’m going. You’re just someone I hunt with.”
“Really now?” Dean questioned with a raise of his eyebrows.
“Dean.” Sam spoke, a little more firmly this time. “(Y/N),” He took a step closer to you. “We just want to know what’s going on with you. You can tell us. We’re listening. Right, Cas?” Cas nodded.
“Right, Dean?” Sam asked authoritatively.
“I’m listening.” Dean spoke as he shot daggers at you with his eyes. You knew he would be angry but you had to leave.
“I have to go.” You said softly.
You saw Dean glance at Sam before speaking up. “Go where?”
“Somewhere.” You answered; giving him the same answer you gave Castiel a few minutes ago. You saw Dean’s jaw clench, which you knew meant that now he was downright furious.
“(Y/N), please. We’ll let you leave, just tell-“
“She’s not leaving.” Dean interrupted.
“Dean-”
"Actually, I changed my mind. (Y/N), you can leave.”
“Dean, what are you saying?” Castiel broke his silence.
“You heard her. She’s a big girl. Aren’t you, (Y/N)?” He asked mockingly as his eyes raked over you. You knew what he was doing. He was trying to make you feel guilty.“What are you waiting for? Go on. You don’t need us and we don’t need you.” He chided. Even though you knew what he was trying to do, it didn’t make his words hurt any less. It took all of your strength to hold back your tears. You swallowed the big lump in your throat and leaned down to pick up the bags when you heard Castiel speak up once again.
“Please, (Y/N). Do not leave. We appreciate your presence in our lives, although it may not seem that Dean does not right now.” His eyes were tinted with the same sadness Sam’s eyes had. The only difference was that his sadness was swimming in ocean blues whereas Sam’s sadness seemed to be swimming in a sea of chocolate.
“No. I’m not going to make her feel like this okay. I’m not going to risk everything for you. We did that once when we took you along with us. I'm not doing this again." Dean stated. His statements took the air out of you.
“(Y/N).” You looked at Sam, his eyes pleading for you to tell him something, anything. “Tell us what’s wrong.”
You let out a sigh. You had nothing to lose. You would be gone in a little while so what was the point of hiding the inevitable from them?
“I’m leaving the life. The hunting life. I don’t want to do this. It’s cruel and it’s sad. We suffer every day and I can’t take it. These things we hunt took the ones I loved the most in the world away from me. And I’m not going to wait around and wait until they take the one family I have left.” You quickly wiped away a stray tear on your cheek.
“Where will you go?” Sam asked.
“Somewhere where no one can hurt me. In the ground. They say it’s a sin, y’know.” You said softly. You glanced at Dean and saw the anger fade from his eyes. Now they were tinted with sadness. His sadness was swimming in a lake of emeralds.
“(Y/N), what are you saying?" Castiel asked. It didn't take long for him to put the pieces together."No, I won’t let you do this. We won’t let you do this.” He stated roughly.
“It’s not too late, (Y/N).” Sam continued.
“Dammit, (Y/N), we can fix this!” Dean yelled, making you flinch.
“Dean, it’s not broken. The situation isn't broken. I am.” You whispered.
“No, (Y/N), Dean’s right. We can help. Just let us in, please.” Sam pleaded.
“It’ll be alright, (Y/N).” Castiel affirmed.
“No! Don’t you get it? None of this will ever be okay. This whole “saving people, hunting things, the family business” idea is bullshit! I can’t save myself. What makes you think I can save someone else? Despite all that we do, people still die. We can’t do anything. And that’s life. I’m just speeding up the process. I want to end it.”
“Listen, (Y/N), I know you’re hurt. I get it. You’re mourning for your parents and the life you had before you started to hunt. That's okay. It's okay to be upset because you're never going to get that life back. Your parents were your world, and that whole world is gone. And time isn’t going to bring them back, no matter how long you wait. And I’m sorry for that. I truly am.” Sam’s words hit you like a ton of bricks. You let out a strangled sob and sank down to the floor with your arms hugging your knees.
“You guys,” You whimpered. “This world will never be what I wanted it to be, what I expected it to be.This wasn’t how life was supposed to be. I never once thought that I would question whether I belong or not."
The boys walked over and occupied the empty spaces next to you. Once Castiel realized that everyone was sitting, he quickly followed suit and sat across from you.
“(Y/N), what does it matter if you belong? You’re alive. You’re in this world. Your job is to try to stay alive.” Dean spoke. You didn't know how to respond to him so you just shrugged.
“(Y/N), we can turn this around. Nothing’s going to change overnight but the point is to keep trying. We’re going to be with you every step of the way. And if your place in this world isn’t with us, then we’ll let you go. But we can’t let you go if you’re going to put yourself in danger.” Sam reasoned.
“I don’t know guys. I feel hopeless. I feel like it’s too late for me. There’s nothing more for me.” You confessed.
“It’s not too late, (Y/N).” Castiel smiled at you. “There is a place for you on earth. I know it." The emotion in his eyes had changed. There was hope in them.
“Yeah. It’s not too late. It’s never too late.” Dean said before they all pulled you in for a group hug.