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The nights grew colder as the seasons shifted. Darker, colder.. lonelier. On nights like these, Jean wished he was back home, relaxing in his room while drawing and sipping hot cocoa his mom brought up for him. Even though brash, she was so caring towards him. He really missed her. Jean turned over on his bed, now staring at the snow gently floating down outside of his window. It’s been almost five months since the incident in Shiganshina. It still haunted him at night. People he once called friends attacking them with the intent of murder, the bone-chilling sight of Armin’s skinless corpse lying on the roof, Eren and Mikasa begging for captain Levi to save him, a former friend’s head being popped like a grape... All horrid memories he wishes he could forget. Jean groaned as he shifted to lay on his back. It was going to be a long night. The floor outside of his room let out an eerie creak, followed by the rusty hinges of his door screeching softly as it opened. Jean sat up to see the moonlight caress the others cheek.
“I’m sorry for waking you..” the other spoke softly as he shuffled into the room, shutting the door behind him, “I couldn’t sleep. Eren was out cold and I couldn’t go to Mikasa’s room without getting in trouble.”
Jean shook his head, a smile tugging at his lips at the sight of the blond, but he quickly forced it away, “you didn’t wake me. I couldn’t sleep. Is everything okay, Armin?”
Armin sighed softly, wrapping his arms around himself as he slowly walked over to Jean’s bed, “I don’t know... I’ve been having weird dreams ever since I, um.. came back. It’s hard to sleep, especially alone. I didn’t want to wake Eren because of it, he doesn’t get a good rest often.”
“Well, you can talk to me about it. I don’t mind.”
“Really?” Armin smiled at him, his amber eyes sparkling in the moonlight, but the bags under them made him look more sad than anything. It was hard to see him like this, but it’s the first time he’s seen him genuinely smile in a long time. For the past few months, every time he smiled, it was fake. His eyes never shined like they used to. They were dull, emotionless. It pained him to see Armin like that. The blond took a seat next to Jean on the bed and it creaked softly under his weight.
Jean bit the inside of his cheek as he quickly scanned the other over. He looked frail, not necessarily physically, even though he was always thin, but more so emotionally and mentally. His hair had grown down to his shoulders, his bangs getting close to covering his eyes. The bags under his eyes were ever prominent up close. Jean definitely wasn’t the only one to notice Armin had trouble focusing on planning either. Just a little over a week ago, the scouts gathered up to discuss how we should advance, but all Armin could do was stare blankly at the paper, unable to even make eye contact with anyone, so Hange excused him and let Mikasa escort him to his room. He let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck, “so.. you wanna talk about your dream or..?”
“It was of Bertholdt,” Armin responded in a hushed tone, “The colossal titan’s frame surrounding me. I started to cry, but didn’t know why, until I turned and saw him.. entangled in the muscles of the titan. I could feel his pain, a burning sensation traveling through my body...”
Jean watched as Armin’s body tensed, his grip tightening around himself. Jean hesitantly wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, gently stroking his hair, “Hey, it’s okay, it was just a bad dream. Everything is gonna be okay.”
Armin closed his eyes, relaxing in the others hold, “how do you know if that’s true? What if we’re attacked again and we aren’t prepared because I’m too fucking weak to–”
“Shut up about how weak you think you are,” he quickly cut him off, “no one thinks you’re weak but you. We know you’re just struggling with the circumstances right now. We’ll be ready for trouble when it comes.” It was so odd to hear Armin swear. He’s barely even said damn while in the cadet training and if he did, he said it quietly. Eren mentioned that he would scream out all his frustrations in the woods, in his free time. It’s probably been a while since he’s done that. He’s been bottling it all up to keep people from worrying.
Armin closed his eyes as he nuzzled against the crook of Jeans neck with a sigh, “Sorry... I guess having a near death experience really messes with a person’s head. Makes you think about all your choices, your mistakes, what you wish you could say to people..”
Jean blinked, a light flush creeping up on his cheeks as Armin’s warm lips brushed against the skin of his neck. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Armin to be so shameless about physical affection. He, Eren, and Mikasa would hug all the time when they were in the cadets. Jean lost count of all the times he caught them leaning against each other after a long day of training. Physically and mentally exhausted. Well, except Mikasa. She seemed to have an incredible amount of stamina compared to the boys. He’s even spotted Eren slipping into Armin’s bunk in the middle of the night, when he woke up screaming. Armin would just silently lift the blanket to welcome Eren. It was weird the first few times he spotted it, but after they witnessed the death of their comrades, he secretly wished that someone would provide him the same comfort Armin provided for Eren. Whenever he had a nightmare, he would just stare at the ceiling above him and hope he’d drift back to sleep.
Armin let out a soft sigh, his warm breath sending a shiver up Jean’s spine, “sometimes, I wish we were in the training cadets again. It was so simple then.”
Jean snorted at the thought, “god, if only. If I could go back, it’d take back all the gross shit I said about you and Jaeger”
“Huh?”
Jean froze, his gaze locked on the wall across from him, “I, um... I was a different person then.. I didn’t know you very well and thought you were kinda just leaching onto Eren..”
“What do you mean by leaching?” Armin pulled back from Jean, leaving his neck vulnerable to the cool air.
“I– well I thought you and him were.. y’know... and I tried to convince myself that it was gross, so I would tell others that and–”Jean was immediately caught off guard by a burst of laughter that came from the blond, “why are you laughing?”
“I-I’m sorry,” Armin managed between breaths, “you thought Eren and I were dating?”
“Excuse me for seeing you two together everywhere and assuming you had a thing going on. You let him sleep in your bed, for fucks sake!”
“Yeah, but not because we were dating! He went through a serious trauma before we joined the cadets and he needed someone to confide in. He couldn’t just sneak out of the boys cabin, in the middle of the night, to go talk to Mikasa. He would’ve been forced to run until sunrise if he was caught”
Jean pondered for a moment, staring at the others face, “oh. Now I feel like a moron for being jealous of him.”
“What? Why were you jealous of Eren?”
“Because he was so close to you.”
Armin blinked, his eyes widening slightly as he processed what Jean just stated.
“A-and Mikasa. Pssh, I wasn’t jealous because he was close to you, that would be stupid..” Jean quickly turned his face away from the other as his cheeks burned a bright, hot red, “I-I just never had friends I could be so openly close with.”
“What about Marco?”
“Marco was a good friend, yeah. But he was the kind of friend you’d jokingly put your arm around, maybe give a good nudge in the side to,” he gently elbowed Armin in the side to emphasize his point. Armin grinned in return, chuckling as he held his ribs. Jean smiled at the blond, but it faded as he looked away, “and sure, I could talk to him about feeling sad or lonely and he’d reassure me with a pep talk or a hug, but that’s different. He wasn’t the kind of friend I could wake in the middle of the night. He wasn’t the kind of friend I’d feel comfortable cuddling with to ease my bad dreams. Marco wasn’t you..”
Armin nodded silently as he listened to the other go on. Without glancing up at him, he gently wrapped his arms around Jean’s waist, “you know, you kinda intimidated me when we first met.”
Jean rose a brow as he turned his body slightly to face the other, “I intimidated you? You are friends with the scariest bastard in the whole world and you were intimidated by me?”
He nodded, “You were abrupt, impetuous, disquieting–“
“You’ve only described me as three things and I can already tell that you are going to absolutely tear into me with big, threatening words.”
“Sorry. Anyways, the more I got to see your caring side, the more I realized your attitude was a sort of defence mechanism. Kind of like Eren.”
“Please don’t compare me to him. He’s an idiot.”
“Oh, like you don’t have your dumb moments.”
“At least I don’t exclusively rely on brawn to be my saving grace.”
He let out a dramatic gasp, “Jean, don’t be rude.”
Jean snorted, causing the blond to laugh as well. The kind of laugh that could be described as a guffaw. No matter how dumb the word seemed, it was a beautifully, light-hearted, but loud laugh. A goofy grin pulled across his thin lips as he watched the other. The moonlight coated Armin in a lovely pale blue light, making him look even more angelic than Jean could’ve ever imagined.
He bit his lower lip, hesitantly reaching over to tuck Armin’s golden hair behind his ear. Armin’s laughter slowly resided as he felt Jean’s warm touch caress his cheek, “What are you doing?”
Jean’s blush quickly returned as Armin’s gaze met his own, and he swiftly recoiled his hand, “Sorry, it’s just been so long since I’ve heard you laugh like that. Plus your hair was covering your face, so it was hard to see your smile.”
Armin blinked, his amber eyes piercing into Jean’s gaze, almost as if he were examining his face entirely before responding. Jean watched as the others cheeks grew a deep red and he let out a snicker, “are you okay?”
“Were you flirting with me?”
Jean was caught off guard by the others question, barely able to form a sentence, “I– wha– w-why would you think that?”
“Because you pushed my hair out of my face and told me I had a nice smile. That’s just within the hour. Sasha told me that you’ve been confused lately because of me and I didn’t understand that until now. I thought she meant you were confused about how I’m alive and that you’re still trying to grasp the concept, but.. she meant that you’ve been confused for a while. Because of me,” he paused, turning his face away from Jean’s view as thoughts raced. Jean could hardly process what was going on himself, the others accusations flooding his mind as he tried to comprehend Sasha’s motive for telling Armin something incredibly private. He didn’t snap back to reality until Armin turned to look at him once more, “Is it because I look like a girl?”
Was that really his first question? If Jean was confused because he thought Armin looked like a girl? Jean narrowed his eyes as he stared the other down, trying to find even a hint of insincerity, “you know I know you’re a guy, right?”
“That wasn’t my question. Do I make you confused because I look like a girl?”
“Armin, you don’t look like a girl to me. Even with your long hair. Which, by the way, should definitely be cut soon. You look like you’ve been living in the woods for years because of it.”
Armin chuckled, “how short do you recommend?”
“Eh, just passed your jaw. And fix your bangs too, it’s hard to see your eyes,” he huffed, pushing the others bangs back.
Armin giggled, swatting his hand away, “Why do you care about seeing my eyes? I can tie my hair back if we go out on an expedition.”
“I like your eyes. They’re gorgeous and I’d like it if you wouldn’t hide them all the time,” he shrugged.
Armin rose a brow, scooting towards the brunette, “you think I have pretty eyes?”
Jean bit the inside of his cheek, giving a slight nod before laying back on the bed with a sigh, the bed creaking underneath his weight, “always have. They’re like a warm chocolate brown swirled with honey that sparkles in the light. I heard Eren talk about how your eyes remind him of the sea, but they make me think of the fireplace at my home. The warmth it provides on cold, dark nights.”
Armin flopped down beside Jean with a quiet hum, a bashful smile ever present on his lips, “I know that Eren made a lot of dumb jokes about your face–“
“He calls me horseface.”
“Shush, I’m not done,” he gently hit Jean’s chest with the back of his hand, “I know he’s made dumb jokes about your face but I think you’re really handsome.”
He blinked, knitting his brows together as he took in what the other just said, “you think I’m handsome?”
“Absolutely. Eren let out the most obnoxious laugh I’ve ever heard when I told him,” he grinned, giving a slight shrug, “then he told me I had a weird taste in men and Mikasa smacked the back of his head.”
“Wait, you.. like me, like me?”
“Well, that’s a childish way to put it but, yeah.. I do. I feel kind of silly for not telling you sooner,” he hummed softly.
Jean swiftly turned onto his side to look down at the blond, “tell me sooner? How long have you liked me?”
“Uhh..” he furrowed his brow, pursing his lips thoughtfully, “under a year, definitely. The moment I realized I had feelings for you was… I’d say maybe a few days after the mission where we were disguised as Eren and Historia. Oh jeez, that sounds weird when I say it out loud.”
“That long?! And you never mentioned it?” Jean could hardly believe what he heard. A warm, tingling sensation grew in his stomach as he watched the blond laugh at his reaction.
“Would you calm down? You don’t want to wake anyone,” he chuckled, taking Jean’s calloused hands in his own. Jean didn’t really expect them to be feel similar to his own, but they were much smoother in some places. He sort of just assumed Armin’s hands would be smooth and dainty everywhere, but that was a ridiculous to assume a soldier’s hands would remain that way after years of training. His train of thought was taken to an abrupt stop when he heard Armin speak once more. “How long have you liked me?”
“I.. this is gonna sound stupid, but I think it was the day I woke up in the infirmary and saw you standing by the window.”
Armin blinked, “was that the day after Eren encountered the smiling titan?”
“The day after I fell off my fucking horse and was knocked out cold. Sasha told me how you held me while trying to fend off titans.”
“That was before I started liking you,” he huffed, punching Jean in the arm. To be fair, it was a pretty weak punch, but still harder than Jean expected from him, “why did you get on my case for not saying anything when you’ve liked me longer?”
“Ow, hey,” he chuckled, rubbing his arm, “it’s not my fault I get anxious talking to beautiful people. Besides, I thought you didn’t want to wake anyone,” he teased with a sly grin.
“Oh hush, at least I didn’t yell.”
Jean rolled his eyes and chuckled, gently squeezing Armin’s hand. It was so warm and incredibly comforting. While they weren’t exactly cuddling, Jean didn’t care. Just being near the other was enough to relax him. He hummed, moving closer to the blond to admire his beauty. His round, copper eyes, his cute button nose, his pink lips, the top slightly bigger than the bottom, his soft jaw, and of course his supple blond locks, like fine strands of gold. Jean could hardly believe this wasn’t a dream. It was too good to be true. Jean carefully slinked a hand up to caress the others cheek, an innocent smile crossing his lips as he watched Armin nuzzle against his hand. Jean used his free hand to lift Armin’s chin, then slowly leaned in and closed his eyes as he pressed his lips against the others.
Armin’s movements were much stiffer than Jean’s, but he couldn’t care less. Honestly, he found it quite cute. Sure, he’s heard Eren refer to Armin as twisted before and he’s even witnessed it himself, but he couldn’t help but focus on how innocent and naive Armin was during their kiss. The heat of Armin’s lips warmed his whole body, making his body feel light and turn the scene around them into a blur. Nothing else mattered. Just him, Armin, and their interlocking lips.
The warm feeling soon disappeared as Armin pulled back, but was replaced with the feeling of his head resting on Jean’s chest. His smile grew as he wrapped his arms around him, gently rubbing his upper back with his left hand, “you can sleep here tonight, if you’d like.”
“As long as you promise to comfort me if I have another nightmare,” the blond simpered, nuzzling closer to the other.
“I promise.”