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Being young isn’t easy.
Neither was being a kid. But Taeyong knows it isn’t going to be easy to be an adult as well.
He sits his flat ass on the wood fence that surrounds his house. It is white, all happily decorated with christmas lights, peppered with the first snow that fell just this morning. His cold fingers drive the cigarette to his lips — it’s the last pull before the ember can burn the tip of his fingers, but honestly, he doesn’t care. All he cares about is the sensation of the smoke traveling through his respiratory system, burning his cells and turning it all grey.
There’s a sigh. A tired one, because he is partly exhausted from all the discussion and misunderstandings, partly because it is cold as hell. He can feel his lungs burning — and it’s not the cigarette’s fault; it was probably not a good idea to leave the house wearing only a t-shirt when the temperatures were below zero.
He takes a look further in the street. He can see the shimmering lights, coloring the windows, revealing the happy families having their Christmas dinner in their pretty little bubble, unbothered by the real world outside their standardized house. He turns back, then, stealing a glance of his own house. It’s the same as the others on the street, except for the fact that the colored lights are off. There is no happy family having a Christmas dinner on this one.
And he knows it’s mostly his fault.
His hands go to his pockets. It’s probably time to light another cigarette, it gives him the false feeling of warmth and he likes the bitter taste and the yellowish tone on his teeth. He holds the cotton on the cigar-holder with his lips, the thumb holding down the button on his lighter and-
“Did you fight with your mother again?” He is cut. It’s a known voice, one that Taeyong can’t mistake not even in a hundred years. His hand is held in the air, his eyes shifting from the lighter in his hand to the figure beyond his fence.
“And my father too, this time.” He replies, talking with half of his mouth because his lips are still holding the cigarette. He proceeds to light it finally, inhaling a relaxing amount of smoke at once. “And you? Staying alone again?”
“Always.” He replies with a smile, approaching the fence with small careful steps. He sighs, climbing the wood to sit by his side. “It’s too cold to be outside, Taeyong.”
“I needed some time to think, I guess.” Taeyong answers, his eyes glazed on the movement of the smoke, as it fades in the atmosphere. “I need some time away from them, Taeil. They’re gonna drive me mad.”
Taeil nods knowingly. He takes a look on the other boy, watching his veins turning blueish under his pale thin skin and his body shivering unwittingly. He takes off his own coat, sheltering it over Taeyong’s broad shoulders.
“I know, I understand.” It’s simple, but Taeyong knows it’s true. He always understands, he’s the only one who does. “What happened this time? Do you want to talk about it?”
Taeyong smiles and snuggles under the heavy coat. His eyes wander far away, watching the little flakes melting down when they hit the floor.
“I just can’t accept that we have to pretend that nothing’s happening.” He starts, shifting his eyes to see Taeil. They’ve been friends for a while now, since the older one moved in to the house next to his. “I can’t look into his eyes and pretend we’re happy, I can’t pretend he didn’t destroy our family.”
Taeil nods. He takes the cigarette out of Taeyong’s fingers and sinks it into the snow, the ember slowly dying. He never approved the fact that Taeyong did this to annoy his mother, he was constantly worried about his health and whenever he could he would turn off his cigarettes. But he understands it’s a escape to him, he understands it’s something that brings him a brief relief.
“How can he sit on our table on this day and just pretend he didn’t sleep with another woman?” Taeyong inquires, his eyes watering - from the cold, he convinces himself. “How can my mom forgive him?”
“These are questions we can’t find the answer to, Taeyong.” Taeil tries, his hand ruffling Taeyong’s dyed hair tenderly. “You have to try and be less intense about these things, I know you want to protect your mother but you’re only hurting yourself and them.”
Taeyong sniffs. The tip of his nose is starting to feel way too cold, he’s been out for a while now. He’s not an easy person to deal with, but he always listened to Taeil’s words. He could be the most stubborn adolescent in this world, but it only took a hug from his favorite hyung and he would melt and smile.
“I don’t want to see you like this, not today.” He continues, thumb stroking the other’s cheek. “We can think of what to do tomorrow, today is Christmas and I don’t want to be alone.” Taeyong nods to Taeil’s words. He moves closer, until their bodies are sitting side to side, and leans and hides his frozen nose on the soft skin of Taeil’s neck. Taeil grins, he always thought Taeyong looked like a cat when he shyly hugged him like that, and his tiny hands caressed circles on his back. “I have some barbecue chips and eggnog in my house, let’s go in. It’s nothing elaborated but at least we don’t have to be alone.”
“We can be alone together.”
Taeyong raises his head. His eyes feel the need to stare into the glowing stars that live inside Taeil’s, and Taeyong is not a man to prevent himself from fulfilling his desires. In that moment, it’s not eye to eye, because what they are both looking at, is actually their souls. It’s an accomplice gaze, one of those which can say more than it actually mean, and the heart feel it too. It pumps and screams and punches the rib cage, one wants to be closer to the other, because in the end they were always alone together.
Taeil breaks the bond. His eyes guard little tears in the corners, his hand travels North to cup Taeyong’s face, the newborn smile on his own face coloring everything that the snow turned white.
“We can always be alone together.”