Chapter Text
Today is one of those rare days when their schedules don’t align and every member is off doing something different. Some are getting their hair cut and dyed ready for their fast-approaching comeback, Jihoon, Seungcheol, and Wonwoo are finishing up the last recordings for the album, and the rest are polishing up the last of the choreography.
And Chan is back at the dorms on his own.
Their youngest had overslept this morning, something that very rarely happens unless he’s extremely tired or ill- even then, he’s usually up before the majority of the members. His hyungs had taken it as a sign that he needed a break and so allowed him to stay home- he didn’t have anything urgent to do, anyway.
Chan had tried to argue- of course he had- but Soonyoung had stubbornly perched on the edge of his bed with a hand in his hair, reminding him that resting is just as productive as working sometimes. Yeah, that was rich coming from him, but Chan had relented. And, no, it had nothing to do with how good Soonyoung’s fingertips felt on his scalp. Nothing at all.
Chan lets himself sleep in until noon, contentedly wrapped up in the mountain of blankets that the Minghao had tucked him in with before he left. He lets out a low groan as he rolls onto his stomach, stretching his legs out and pointing his toes, blinking his eyes open to a sweet note from Soonyoung on his bedside table. It’s taped onto a carton of strawberry milk, probably from Jeonghan’s stash.
Both gifts manage to dull the usual sting he feels when he wakes up on his own. His heart is warm and nurtured as he sips on the drink, still curled up against his pillows, thumb skimming over Junhui’s familiar cat doodle that’s been squeezed into the corner of the note.
Despite all of his treats, Chan still doesn’t feel quite right. The decent night’s sleep has beaten the headache that he’s been enduring for the past week, but it hasn’t helped with how unsteady he feels. He’s completely worn down, shaky from living off Jihoon’s strong coffee and dizzy from too many late nights in a row.
This time of year is always hard, when they’re gearing up to releasing something. They’re all such perfectionists, they only want to give their best, and so they work and work and work until everything’s flawless. It’s too easy to slip into a routine of little sleep, little food, endless exertion. And you never realise how harmful it is until you stop.
Chan takes a deep breath, bracing himself to roll out his bed, his sore muscles protesting any form of movement. He steps into the shower, turns up the heat, and tries not to think too hard.
There are two things in life that really set Chan on edge- having nothing to do and being alone. He’s the sort of person who is always on the go, who always needs something to keep him occupied. He likes being busy, it distracts him. It’s when he slows down that negative thoughts are able to penetrate his mind, dragging him even further down. The members can always tell when he’s going through a rough time because he’ll camp out in the dance studio and pester Jihoon about redoing his recordings and convince Junhui to teach him some more Mandarin.
This is fine, though. It’s not like he’s going to be alone for long, and there must be something useful he can do to pass the time. It isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.
Chan takes his time in the shower, letting the conditioner is in his hair and washing his face with Seungkwan’s fancy exfoliator. When he’s all clean, he makes himself a cup of tea and curls up in the armchair, one of Seokmin’s favourite dramas playing quietly on the telly. He tries to relax, pointedly keeping his eyes from watching the clock on the wall.
When he works up the courage and the energy, he makes himself a nice breakfast- white rice with eggs and tofu, following one of the recipes that Mingyu has stuck above the hob. He takes a selfie and a picture of the fresh flowers Seungcheol had just brought home and posts them to their group instagram account, writing out a long message to their fans. He gets out his Japanese textbooks and works through another page of vocabulary and gets full marks on the practice questions.
Even after he’s done all of that, only two hours have passed. He stares at the clock in dismay, willing the hands to move faster. He gets the sudden urge to peel back the glass and move them himself, but he curls his hands into fists and keeps them by his sides instead. With a frustrated sigh, he slinks back towards his bedroom, falling into bed and trying to sleep a little bit more, curled up around one of Wonwoo’s plushies. It isn’t working.
The longer Chan lies there, the more agitated he becomes. He knows that he’s being irrational and that he really has nothing to worry about, but it’s so hard to stay positive when he’s on his own. He can’t help but wonder why he was able to take the day off so easily- do they not need him anymore? Is there nothing he can do to help with the new album? Does he have nothing to contribute to the lyrics or the choreography? Why is he the only one who isn’t needed?
He tries to block it all out, curling up and burying his head under Soonyoung’s pillow, but the darkness and silence do not help. Rationally, he knows that he should call someone, he shouldn’t just sit there and stew in his own sadness- that never ends well. Rationally, he knows that just hearing someone’s voice will help, that his loneliness is what’s making him feel so bad, but he can’t bring himself to pick up the phone.
Chan only moves when he hears the click of the front door opening. He scrambles to his feet, adrenaline suddenly pumping through his veins. He knows that if they come in here and find him in bed, everyone’s going to know that he wasted the whole day moping about. They’re going to be so angry.
He needs to make it look like he was doing something useful.
He tries to get his Japanese textbook from his desk to his bed but it ends up sliding onto the floor, sheets of paper flying everywhere in a massive mess. He tries to clean it up but his hands are shaking too hard. He wonders if he can make it to the kitchen before they do, make it seem like he was doing the dishes or tidying up. Maybe he could put on one of their new tracks and make it look like he was practicing the routine.
In his frenzied dithering, he doesn’t hear the footsteps coming towards his room until there’s a knock on his door. He whirls around with wide eyes as Jisoo pokes his head past the doorframe. “Channie?” He asks, but Chan is frozen to the spot, he doesn’t move a muscle. “You okay?” Jisoo approaches him slowly, Seungkwan and Hansol following close behind.
Chan doesn’t know what to do, he’s stuck. He can’t seem to get any words out of his throat, he’s got nothing to convince them that he isn’t wasting their time, no way to stop them from kicking him out of their team.
They probably came home early just to yell at him, or to drag him back to the studio so that everyone can have a go. He’s so stupid. Why does he do this?
When Seungkwan opens his mouth to say something, Chan panics. In one sudden move, he pushes past Seungkwan and Hansol and sprints out into the living room, stumbling over his shaky legs. He heads towards the front door- he needs to go, he needs to get out. He doesn’t want to get shouted at.
As gently as he can, Hansol catches Chan around the waist and gets him down onto the floor. Hansol lies him on his front and presses a firm hand between his shoulder blades to keep him there. This isn’t anything new- they all know that it’s the safest way of keeping Chan from hurting himself when he’s panicking. Even so, Chan squirms and splutters as tears fill his eyes, scraping his cheeks across the scratchy carpet as he fights against Hansol’s hold.
“No, I don’t- why are you- I- I can’t-” Chan chokes out, but he’s far too overwhelmed to put the right words together to make sense to anyone. He can hear someone trying to calm him, shushing gently and whispering kind words, but he can barely make it out over the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. He whines, a high-pitched, pitiful sound in the back of his throat, and knocks his head against the floor, kicking his legs as he tries to get his feet under himself. Someone grabs his ankles, rubbing the circulation back into his calves.
“Hey, don’t do that, little one.” Jisoo’s soothing voice takes him off guard and he stills for just a moment, long enough for Jisoo to slide a pillow beneath his head, gentle hands guiding him to rest his cheek on it. Once he’s settled, Jisoo sits down next to him and ruffles his messy hair. Chan watches him with damp eyes, chest heaving.
Seungkwan appears next with his blanket, laying it over him and tucking it around his shoulders. Hansol moves his hand so that he can be covered completely. Chan could easily get himself up now that Hansol isn’t holding him down, but he no longer has the energy, his adrenaline rush long gone. Now he’s just anxious.
“Please don’t yell at me.” Chan pleads in a breathy voice, still looking up at Jisoo’s gently smiling face. His smile drops though at Chan’s words, his lips instead pulling into a frown. Chan immediately backtracks. “No- no- I- please-” He stutters out. Seungkwan calms him with a warm palm on the back of his neck, fingertips tracing the shape of his hairline.
“Why would we ever yell at you, baby boy? We just want to look after you.” Seungkwan reassures him, the other two nodding along. Chan knows that he must make a face because Hansol is immediately getting down on his side and cuddling up to him when he sees it. He rests his head on the same pillow and hooks an arm around his waist, pulling him close.
Chan always feels bad when he panics around Hansol because they tend to absorb each other’s anxiety. It’s never nice to see your friend in pain, but it’s worse when you empathise so much that you hurt as well. Hansol strokes a hand up and down his back, fingers buried in his soft blanket, and Chan knows that he’s doing it just as much to soothe himself as he’s doing it to soothe him.
Chan relaxes under his touch- he can’t help it.
“I’m wasting everyone’s time. You don’t need me.” Jisoo almost looks offended at his words, but it almost immediately shifts to guilt.
“Chan-ah, why are you talking like this? You’re so important to us, we’re always going to need you.” Jisoo’s voice is getting a little shaky. Chan doesn’t want him to cry.
“Then how come I could so easily stay home? You weren’t going to miss out on anything by not having me at work.” Chan shivers as Hansol presses his nose to the sensitive patch of skin behind his ear.
“Soonyoung was so stressed out today. He kept on missing steps and getting worked up over it. Jeonghan nearly left halfway through because he was getting frustrated with his own voice. I’ve never seen Mingyu look so sad for so long. It was rough.” Everyone is silent as Hansol speaks, following his words with a kiss to the back of Chan’s neck. “Do you know why?”
Chan shakes his head.
“Because you’re the only one who can properly field Soonyoung’s temper. And doting on you is what gives Jeonghan enough energy to get through a hard day. And you’re the one who brightens the room enough to make Mingyu smile.” Chan has tears on his cheeks again, his breathing speeds up a little, but it’s not because he’s sad.
“Baby, it’s not the same without you. We need you, otherwise this group doesn’t function properly.” Chan wouldn’t be surprised if Seungkwan is crying as well. “We need you.”
Jisoo uses his sleeve to mop up Chan’s tears, dabbing softly beneath his eyes. Chan looks up at him again, trying his best to give the elder a smile. Jisoo appreciates, grinning at his effort. “You needed today to rest because you’ve been working so hard for so long. You deserved today.” Jisoo’s voice is soft, quiet, like his words are only for Chan to hear.
“Having a day off doesn’t mean that we don’t need you, it means that we want you in perfect health and happiness because we need you so much,” Seungkwan tells him, both hands now combing through his hair.
They sit there with him until he really calms down, until he’s relaxed enough for his eyes to slip shut. He’s half-convinced that Hansol is already asleep next to him when Jisoo gets him up and onto the sofa. He curls up in Seungkwan’s lap because he can’t stand the thought of going back to bed. Hansol stays pressed against his side, holding his hand, and Jisoo warms him up a mug of milk. They huddle around him until the others return a few hours later, and they immediately join in pampering their maknae.