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When you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
- Coldplay, "Fix You"
Mornings were the easiest to handle. Those first few precious minutes of the day, when Magnus was almost awake, yet still too deep under to be considered a functioning member of society. When everything was a fuzzy blur, somewhere in between sleep and reality, when his eyes were still closed and all he could feel was the soft blanked wrapped around himself and the warmth of Alec's sleeping form resting next to him.
Magnus adored those fleeting few seconds. For one, because they were a little moment of quiet before the craziness of the day really started. They were also incredibly precious. Because as soon as Magnus broke through the warm, comfortable haze of having just woken up, he started to remember. And with the memories came the pain.
For the first couple of days after they had brought Jace back it hadn't been that bad. Magnus had barely had time to concentrate on the loss of his magic, had been way too focused on everything else that had been going on. There had been so much to do. Jace had had to settle back into his old life, now finally free of Lilith. Alec had had to get back on track after having his arm broken, which had been more difficult than they'd expected since Alec hadn't healed as quickly as he used to without the help of Magnus' magic. Catarina had done her best to fix his broken wrist and take care of the arrow wound in his chest, but even though she was a powerful warlock, her healing powers didn’t quite measure up to what Magnus was capable of.
Had been capable of.
There it was. That slight sting in his heart that being utterly unhelpful brought with it. The way his chest tightened whenever he was reminded of one of the many things he wasn't able to do anymore. The distant, yet no less persistent bitterness constantly reminding him of what he'd lost.
It had been weeks since he'd lost his magic and if Magnus was being quite honest with himself, then every single day was a struggle. Alec and him hadn't talked about what had happened. Not really. It wasn't that Alec hadn't tried to talk to him about it – he had, multiple times even. The problem was that Magnus didn't want to talk about it.
He couldn't. Because he didn't know what to say.
Magnus had gone through his fair share of rough patches in his many years on earth. From his troubled childhood in Indonesia to the years with Asmodeus to every single time he'd lost a dear friend or lover to the cruel grasp of time, illness or injury. Sometimes, he'd gotten through those phases through talking, sometimes by drinking himself into oblivion, sometimes by throwing himself into some reckless adventure. He'd tried to outrun heartbreak so often that he'd become an expert at it.
But this, losing his magic, losing such an integral part of him, was different. It didn't hurt like a broken heart did. He just felt empty. Ever since that first night, when he had snapped his fingers out of habit to switch off the lights in their bedroom and felt that cold emptiness wrap around him like a heavy weight at the realization that he was unable to, he'd never been able to shake the odd feeling of something missing. And he couldn't get used to it either.
Magnus sighed and tried to ignore the bitterness rising in his chest, a familiar feeling these days. Of course he hadn't been able to get used to it. How could he, when everything in his life, in his very apartment constantly reminded him of what he had been able to do, who he had been?
Magnus let his eyes drift through the room, which despite its intricate décor felt different these days. The colors seemed less vibrant, the gold details dull – hell, the entire apartment wasn't the same without his magic thrumming in every fiber of it. His gaze eventually landed on Alec, who was still sound asleep next to him. With Magnus as his main source of warmth gone, the Shadowhunter had now shifted and was lying on his stomach, most of his face hidden in the pillow. Magnus reached over and adjusted the blanket, fingers brushing over sleep-warm skin.
If only he could sleep as well as Alec these days.
Pushing his covers and bitter thoughts aside, Magnus got up and padded towards the kitchen, getting on with his first mission of the day: making coffee.
+++
As Magnus learned only a short while later, it would have been a better idea to stay in bed altogether. Or just skip the day altogether. Because from the moment he'd woken up, that day seemed to have decided to show him how utterly terrible life could be.
It started out somewhat innocently, with the floor heating in their kitchen not working yet again. This wasn't exactly new, Magnus' apartment building was quite old and incidents like that happened from time to time. Up until a few weeks ago, he would have fixed it with a snap of his fingers, but given his current situation, he had to resort to more mundane means. Quite literally, since Catarina was out of town and Magnus didn't have many allies left in the warlock community after the fight with Lorenzo and his dismissal as High Warlock.
That news had spread fast. But the news of the great Magnus Bane giving up is magic for his Shadowhunter boyfriend's parabatai had spread like a raging wildfire. Magnus was always up for the latest rumors and gossip from the Downworld, but he definitely didn't need to hear them when they were about him. He did his best to not let them get to him, but crossing paths with former fellow warlocks on the street and suffering through forced small talk - or even worse, them trying to hide their pity - was wearing down on him.
He felt miserable. And he was tired of it.
Which was probably the reason why he didn't lash out on the young, unexperienced warlock who knocked on his front door later in the day and asked for advice, but just tiredly asked him to contact the current High Warlock about it. And it was also the reason why he didn't say anything when the mundane heating engineer he'd called earlier that day stopped by in the late afternoon to fix their floor heating and left mud stains on Magnus' expensive light beige living room carpet, he just waved off his apology and saw him out.
He even managed to get through a video call with Catarina and Madzie, who were at a warlock conference in South Africa, and smile at Madzie when she showed him the latest magical tricks she had learned. He praised and cheered with her when she showed him that she had already mastered the first steps of a spell that should be rather complicated for someone so young. Although watching her do the things he had taught her just a few weeks ago but now was no longer able to do hurt more than the rest of that day's struggles combined.
Magnus could have been above it. Could have filed that day as a particularly miserable one and gone on with life. He would have done it, if only life hadn't decided to stab him in the back one more time that evening.
He was just about to settle with a pot of green tea into the living room and try to relax a little to end the day on a somewhat high note when his foot got caught on the doorstep, he tripped, reached for the doorjamb to regain his balance – and dropped the teapot in the process. The second it crashed to the floor, it burst into dozens of shards, the tea splattering over both the kitchen tiles and the wooden living room floor.
Great.
If Magnus had had access to his magic in that moment, he was pretty sure it would have been bright red with anger. He'd never felt more like lashing out with his magic, red sparks and minor damage to his apartment included. Instead, all he could do was stand there, breathing in and out and trying his best to push the anger away.
And of course that was the moment that Alec came home.
Magnus heard Alec throwing his keys into the bowl by the door and noticed his familiar steps across the carpet, but didn't react to him until Alec was standing right in front of him, taking in the mess that the teapot had left behind.
"Careful, you don't have shoes on. Let me help you with that."
Instead of replying, Magnus raised a hand, making Alec stop dead in his efforts. His eyes were closed, he was breathing heavily and he could feel the past few weeks' anger and disappointment seething in his chest, burning his insides on their inevitable way to the surface.
"Don't. Just…just leave it. I'll take care of this later" he heaved out, voice pressed. He turned around, blood rushing in his veins and thoughts rushing with them. He was about to dash off towards their bedroom so he wouldn't lash out on Alec, when a firm grip on his arm stopped him.
"Magnus, wait."
"It's fine, Alexander."
Alec's voice was soft, yet decisive when he replied. "No. It's not and it hasn't been for weeks now." He stepped in front of Magnus so he could look him in the eye. His other hand rested on the side of Magnus' face, thumb softly brushing over his skin, providing the warmth and comfort Magnus was so desperately lacking these days.
"I know you're hurting, Magnus. Even though you pretend you're not," Alec said, his voice a lot gentler now. "I know it hasn't been an easy situation for you and I guess I might not be the right person to talk to since I have no idea what it feels like to lose your magic like that, but…I just want you to know that I'm here. If you need someone to listen."
Despite his heavy heart and the melancholy and grief that wouldn't let him out of its iron grip, Magnus felt his shoulders relax and his emotions calm down a little. He stepped closer to Alec, wrapped his arms around his waist and buried his in Alec's sweater, breathing in the familiar scent of detergent and Alec's shower gel, enjoying the familiar feeling of Alec holding him and the way it never failed to calm him down. Magnus' tone was low when he replied, almost hesitant but no less honest. "Alexander, you are the only person I would ever want to talk to."
Beneath his ear, Alec's chest heaved with a sigh of relief. Alec's arms that had just gently been holding on to him, as if he wasn't sure whether or not his affection was welcome in that moment, wrapped him into a warm embrace.
"You miss your magic a lot more than you're willing to admit, hm?"
Magnus took in a shaky breath and hugged Alec tighter. "Yeah."
They stood there for a while, not talking at all, the only sound in the room being the soft tunes playing from the stereo in the corner and Magnus' ragged breathing.
When he eventually spoke again, his voice was barely above a murmur, its tone defeated. "It's just so hard, you know."
Alec's embrace only tightened, wrapping up in the gentle comfort that only Alec seemed to be able to give him. "I know."
With a deep breath, Magnus pulled away and hesitantly looked at Alec. Taking another breath, he braced himself for what was to come. "Then let's talk."
+++
Sharing how he felt about the loss of his magic wasn't easy. Actually, it was even more difficult than Magnus had anticipated it to be. The past few weeks he had pushed his anger and sadness aside, locked it away so he wouldn't constantly be reminded of what he'd lost. But sitting on his living room couch, one of his hands in Alec's while he remembered everything that he had so carefully pushed away for weeks hurt. Magnus knew that he could trust Alec with his life, and yet it still took everything out of him to let the Shadowhunter in on how he was feeling.
But Alec had never disappointed him in a precarious situation like this and neither did he this time. He didn't say much, just let Magnus ramble, but his posture, expression and the soft look in his eyes signaled Magnus in that very unique Alec way that his attention was completely on Magnus and Magnus only. It was one of the qualities Magnus loved most about Alec – whatever he did, he did with his whole heart. Even if it was dealing with his boyfriend's lousy heartache mood.
Later that evening, when they were already in bed and Magnus was cuddled up in Alec's arms and had long passed out, exhausted from letting himself be vulnerable and even more exhausted from pretending the opposite for so long, an idea came to Alec's mind. With a soft smirk, he reached over to switch off the lights, the idea already turning into a plan as Alec drifted off to sleep.
+++
Magnus slept well into the next morning. The previous day had taken its toll on him, especially the talk with Alec, and left him exhausted. He hadn't dreamt at all that night, which was unusual, but woke up the most well-rested he had in months, which was even more unusual.
However, the most unusual thing was that the bed beside him wasn't empty. When Magnus had gathered his senses enough to open his eyes, Alec was laying on his side, one arm serving as a pillow for his head, the other reached out to brush a stray strand of hair out of Magnus' face.
"Morning". Alec's voice was soft when he spoke and definitely too little grumbly for him to have just woken up. That in combination with the fact that Alec had slept in on a weekday made Magnus even more suspicious, but given that Alec looked so very adorable in this disheveled look, he didn't really care.
"Good morning, Alexander," Magnus replied, his own voice heavy with sleep. He let out a yawn and then looked at Alec again, who was still smiling softly at him. "Shouldn't you be at the Institute? I believe that your office start quite some time before –" he said and paused to crane his neck so he could look at the alarm clock on Alec's nightstand, "ten thirty in the morning."
Alec chuckled. "I took the day off. They can deal without me for 24 hours."
"You sure about that?"
"Well they'll have to. I already made breakfast."
Magnus chuckled. "So that's the reason for the slightly Edom-esque smell in here."
"That and the fact that I may have left the first pancake in the pan for a little too long," Alec admitted. He dropped a peck on Magnus' cheek and then rolled out of bed. "You stay put, I'm gonna go get the food."
"Don't you worry, Shadowhunter. I'm not going anywhere."
As heavy and emotional the previous evening had been for both of them, their shared breakfast in bed made more than up for it. As opposed to their talk the previous night the atmosphere was now lighter and more relaxed, without a hint at how difficult the day before had been for Magnus. He was so busy laughing, chatting (and kissing) Alec that he almost forgot his little crisis had happened at all. But that was the point – almost. As soon as Magnus spilled some of his coffee onto the sheets, automatically snapped his fingers to magic it away and nothing happened, the feeling from earlier was back again, pushing onto his shoulders like a heavy weight and making his entire chest tighten so much that he felt like he couldn't breathe.
This time, however, he wasn't all by himself.
As soon as Magnus tensed up, Alec was there, softly rubbing his back and murmuring soft encouragements until Magnus' shoulders relaxed and his breathing evened out a little.
"I'm sorry," Magnus muttered, fingers nervously playing with the now coffee-stained blanket thrown over their feet.
Alec shook his head. "Hey, don't be sorry for something that's not your fault. We talked about this yesterday. I'm here. Every step of the way, remember?"
Magnus sighed. "I know. Thank you."
Alec looked at him for a second with a stern gaze, as if he was making sure that Magnus really was better, then smiled softly at him and leaned in for a soft kiss. "Anytime. Now – we need to get up, I have plans for us today."
Magnus frowned, somewhat hesitant but also very much intrigued. "Plans, you say? Any chance you're going to let me in on what kind of plans those are?"
The Shadowhunter grinned at him, impossibly smug. "Nope. But I can tell you that they're plans that involve us getting out of bed and leaving the apartment, so let's get going!"
+++
Alec did not disappoint. Once they had finally made it out of the apartment (Magnus not having access to his magic did not mean that he wasn't going to dress to impress when he was leaving the apartment, thank you very much), he took Magnus to their favorite coffee shop where they grabbed some coffee to go (or "sugar in a paper cup" as Alec liked to call Magnus' – admittedly insanely sweet – drink of choice).
When they were standing on the sidewalk in front of the shop, drinks in hand, Magnus took a sip of his coffee and looked at Alec. "So now what?"
"Now, I am taking you out on a date"
Magnus raised his eyebrows and then laughed softly. "A date? You do realize it's just past noon, right?"
Alec just smirked and shrugged. "Yep. A date. Just because it's early afternoon doesn't mean I can't take out my gorgeous boyfriend."
"Flattery is going to get you everywhere, my dear," Magnus said, stepping closer to Alec so he could kiss him gently.
Magnus and Alec spent the rest of the day positively all across town. Magnus had been living in New York for decades, but with his former tendency to portal wherever he wanted to go, he had never explored the city the "mundane" way (except for its many bars and nightclubs, those he all knew by heart). Alec, however, had been navigating the city like a mundane for most of his life and knew it like the back of his hand. After spending a few hours at an art gallery which featured some of the artists Magnus had known personally, Alec showed Magnus some of his favorite hidden spots throughout the city. Some of them he had found while chasing after a particularly annoying demon, others just completely by accident while he'd been on a walk to clear his head. All of them were positively gorgeous and the perfect hideaway from the busy, crowded everyday New York life and something so very Alec that Magnus felt his heart flutter with affection.
They even played tourist for a bit and went to see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center, which Magnus had to admit did look beautiful with its lights and decorations and the ice rink in front of it. Of course, they had to take a few hideously adorable pictures and send them to Izzy and Catarina, which earned them snarky remarks but also quite the amount of heart eyes emojis in return. When Magnus suggested trying a few rounds on the ice, Alec sent him a glare that he usually reserved for when people were seriously annoying him at the Institute, but eventually agreed – which led to some of the worst laughing fits Magnus had ever experienced.
He also learned that having all kinds of runes didn't exactly help much when somebody was just a hopeless disaster on the ice. Magnus was tempted to record Alec's first few laps on the ice, the careful steps he took reminding him a lot of a baby trying to walk (including the falling on their butt part – multiple times). But at some point, Alec's military upbringing and endless determination kicked in. He took a break to study Magnus for a little bit and after watching him speed and twirl across the ice for a while, he came back, trying again. With a little help from Magnus and his hand to hold on to, they managed to skate together, fingers intertwined and tiny snowflakes falling around them. Alec took his gaze off the slippery surface in front of him and gazed over to Magnus. His heartbeat quickened at the sight and he felt relief flood through his body – Magnus was beaming, his cheeks were flushed from the cold and his gaze, often cold, distant and dull over the past few weeks, was now warm and shining with glee.
Alec smiled back at him, happy to see the man he loved in better spirits again. When they slowed down, Alec pulled Magnus to a stop and slung his arms around Magnus' waist, pulling him close.
Magnus chuckled. "Already getting tired, Alexander?"
"No. Just enjoying the view."
When they kissed a moment later, their lips were cold, but the way both of their hearts were thrumming inside their chests was enough to keep the both of them warm.
+++
By the time they got back to the loft, they were both way too cold to function. They had walked the last bit of the way home and even though the streets had looked beautiful with the many Christmas decorations and fairly lights adorning many windows, they were glad that they were back.
Magnus had excused himself to the kitchen right after they'd come home and when he came back into the living room, a steaming mug of hot chocolate in each hand (one of them spiked with rum, obviously), he was welcomed by the most adorable sight. Alec had already made himself comfortable on the couch – quite literally. Leaning back into a mountain of pillows, he had one of their warmest, fluffiest blankets thrown over his legs, the sight of him the epitome of coziness. When Magnus approached him and carefully put the mugs down onto the coffee table, Alec lifted the blanket and let Magnus settle against his chest, then covered both of their feet with the blanket again.
Hot chocolates completely forgotten, Magnus rested his head on Alec's chest, the soft rise and fall of his boyfriend's breathing soothing him. He started fiddling with the leather wristband he had brought Alec from a trip to Europe. The leather was already beginning to get worn and the colors were fading a little, but Alec had not taken it off since the day Magnus had given it to him and refused to let him replace it. Now, it served as a perfect distraction while Magnus was trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say.
In the end, he settled for just saying what he felt, because if their relationship had always been characterized by one thing, it was honesty. "I meant to thank you for today, Alexander."
Alec smiled and dropped a kiss onto Magnus' head. "No big deal. We have so little time to go out on a nice date, the least I could do was put in some effort when I got the chance."
Magnus smiled softly. "We both know this wasn't just about taking me out today."
Alec chuckled. "Not exactly."
Magnus shifted so he could look at Alec. "I know it wasn't. And that's why I appreciate it so much. I know I haven't exactly been the easiest company these past few weeks, but I do appreciate everything you have done for me recently. Even though I may not have shown it."
"Magnus, you have every right to be not quite yourself right now. I can't even imagine what this entire situation must feel like to you. I just wanted to – I don't know, show you how much life as a mundane has to offer, I guess. Show you that even though it's not what you're used to, it can have beautiful sides."
Even after months of dating, Alec's blunt honesty sometimes still managed to catch Magnus off guard. His voice barely carried when he murmured another soft thank you to Alec.
"Anytime. We're going to get through this together, alright? Whatever happens. You and me."
And as much as he was hurting, as bleak as the perspective of facing a life without his magic sounded - in that moment, resting comfortably in their living room, fairy lights and candles tinting the room into a soft yellow glow, Magnus knew that Alec was right.
Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try
to fix you