Archive of Our Own

It's an unfortunately popular belief that childhood friends will part ways sooner or later, no matter how hard they try to maintain the friendship, they’ll eventually walk their own path, most likely sooner than later. Which was true, everyone parts their ways at some point in life, be it your friend, your lover or your family, someday one of you will leave. But humans, being the pessimists they are, seem to think that relationships outside of family and lovers will never last long.

Jeongin begs to differ.

The few longtime relationships out there are normally consequence of living in the same place with the same people all your life or having parents that were best friends before having children. But that was far, extremely far, from what Jeongin had experienced. His entire childhood had revolved around moving from one corner of the country to the other, all because of his mother’s job. What’s funny, though, is that wherever they went a certain family of three, the parents and a boy one year older than Jeongin, would always be with them, almost as if they were following each other. What’s even funnier is that both Jeongin’s parents and the adults in the other family seemed to absolutely despise one another, using that politeness so fake it physically hurt to hear whenever they were forced to speak with the other.

But what’s the funniest of it all, the cherry on top, was that Jeongin and the other’s family son, also known as Hyunjin, were inseparable. So much to the point that both parents would be forced to let their kids meet because of the unbearable crying that would take place whenever the boys would ask to meet their friend only to get some lame excuse disguised as “no” as an answer.

There was a short period of about two to three months that the families had taken different paths and had managed to lose each other. Let’s just say those two to three months were filled with grumpy parents, an absurd amount of crying and two extremely petty children.

When Jeongin completed eleven years of age, Hyunjin twelve, the extreme traveling had come to a stop for both families. It took a while for the boys to find out, but eventually they discovered that both their mothers worked in the same company, which explained why they were always traveling together and why their parents seemed to hate each other’s guts, with all the competition in the market. It was also revealed that the company, an airline, had been involved in a recent fraud and had gone completely broke.

Even though his mother had lost her job, she still held her head high and found a new one in a large town placed in between the countryside and a big city. She came home from her first day with a devastated face and revealed that a certain someone she thought she had finally escaped had gotten a job at the same place as her.

They lived in the same neighborhood, much to the adults’ displeasure.

Jeongin and Hyunjin were static.

The two boys attended the same school, were always together during break and had the same friend group. It was sometimes worrying for Jeongin’s parents how he didn’t really have any friends his age, since everyone in his group was at least one year older than him, but he always reassured them that he didn’t mind at all.

It’s not like Jeongin was that one emo kid that refused to talk to his classmates and had cooler friends in a different grade, no, he talked to the other kids in his class, though never past what he deemed necessary, and was even handed the title of the class’s baby, given he was the youngest in the whole grade, possibly the whole school. If you were to think about it, his name was really popular, anyone would know who you were talking about if you said it.

Hyunjin, on the other hand, was a whole new level of popular. Contrary to Jeongin’s shy and introverted personality, Hyunjin was someone who everyone not only knew, but was most likely also friends with. He was nice and charming, his god-like looks completed the whole package. He seemed happy with being popular but remained loyal to his group of closer friends.

Jeongin could never understand how someone would be able to stand as much attention as Hyunjin got in high school. The younger was happy with his position as a not-so-popular-popular-kid. He liked having his own space, just for himself, but he also liked the attention, often craved it despite his introvert self, and hanging out with Hyunjin did increase the popularity.

But the problem with the attention given to him was that it also came with a whole bundle of problems, specifically rumors. He had just turned fifteen when people began to whisper when he passed through the hallways, when offensive slurs were thrown at him randomly, when he learned that the world is not as accepting as it seemed to be.

It took Jeongin a considerably long time to finally accept the fact that he was simply not into girls, at all. It took him even longer to talk to his parents about it, which ended up going smoothly. Since the family had a strong bond, despite his mother’s minimal presence, he had enough trust in them to open up about everything he was feeling. He had felt like a complete idiot when he started crying halfway through their talk, but his mother had rushed to comfort him, and his father made him a mug cake topped with rainbow sprinkles and had given it to him with a proud smile and a loving hug.

Jeongin came out to Hyunjin before any of their other friends. It was nerve wrecking, despite him knowing that his friend group was probably the most loving and accepting people out there. The day he told his best friend will probably never be forgotten. He had waited for him like he usually did, doing his homework on the bleachers, or at least pretending to, while Hyunjin played basketball with his teammates. Jeongin was so, so scared, his hands were shaking, and his heart seemed to have caught up in his throat.

They walked back home with Hyunjin rambling on about something and Jeongin in complete silence. When they reached the older one’s house they were greeted by his father, who was as polite as he always was with Jeongin. Despite having some beef with his own parents, Hyunjin’s seemed to love him as much as anyone would, which was great since Jeongin really liked the old guy. When the door to Hyunjin’s room closed, Jeongin could officially confirm he had never been that nervous.

The two sat down on the bed as they usually would and Hyunjin put his hand on the younger’s thigh, getting him to look at the older, whom had an expression of slight worry.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Hyunjin’s words made the butterflies in his stomach fly out of their cocoons recklessly. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting his head hang low as he played with the bracelets on his wrist.

“I want to tell you something.” The older seemed to notice the shaking of his fingers and took the younger’s hands in his own yet didn’t utter a single word. “I… I need you to promise you won’t hate me.” Hyunjin’s voice was calm, almost emotionless when he spoke, his hands still playing with Jeongin’s.

“Jeongin, I can’t promise you that without even knowing what you are going to say.” The younger’s eyes began stinging almost painfully as he attempted to swallow the lump stuck in his throat. “I might… I might have an idea of what you are going to say and, if my prediction is correct, I want you to know that no matter what you label yourself, you’re still my Jeongin, my best friend.” Jeongin ignored the skip his heart made at the last of Hyunjin’s words. He took another deep breath and spoke before he could hesitate any further.

“I’m gay.”

“And that’s okay.” Hyunjin didn’t miss a beat to speak and never broke the direct eye contact he held with the younger.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Jeongin completely broke down, fat tears rolling down his face like a river in a flood. He didn’t know exactly why. Relief, probably. Hyunjin said nothing more, simply wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him against his chest. They fell asleep that day while watching the nth episode of some lame drama, limbs tangling in each other as they always had.

Jeongin was glad his coming out hadn’t changed anything between them.

After he told the closest people to him about his sexuality, coming out to others seemed so much easier. The funny thing is that the rumors regarding his ‘preferences’ were just dying down, having begun only because of Yabuki Nako, a foreign girl deemed perfect by the standards, someone anyone would be thriving to go out with, asked him on a date and he… Well, he denied, and not in the most graceful form, stumbling with his words and standing there awkwardly when she left with a scowl on her face.

He came out to all his friends at once, in the middle of their lunch break. There were a few seconds of awkward silence until Seungmin, one of them scoffed and rolled his eyes, saying it was about time the younger realized. The older ones had comforted the boy, despite him not really needing any comforting to begin with, the hugs were still appreciated. Felix, an Australian boy with bright orange hair, said he knew it from the moment they met and Jisung, an annoyingly obnoxious and unfortunately close friend, kept asking him if he’d go out with him, which Jeongin answered with a fake barf and a shudder at the thought of dating someone like Han. Hyunjin smiled at him and petted his hair while cooing and saying something along the lines of being extremely proud of him.

Jeongin ignored the way he felt his cheeks warm up at the touch of the other’s fingers on his scalp.

It felt great to finally get that off his chest, even if it was only to his friend group and no one else, at least that’s what they promised. But the rumors picked up again when he denied yet another beautifully perfect girl, Kim Yerim, not only a certified piece of art, but also his senior. What kind of boy would deny a hot senior asking him out?

A gay one.

Jeongin never minded the rumors, he didn’t care if he was being talked about by nobodies that had such awful lives they had to whisper of others to fulfill their boredom. But they lasted way past months and it had already gotten on his nerves.

One random day a group of students passed by Jeongin’s table in the cafeteria and snickered some things about him. His friends told him to ignore them like he always did, but he was sick and tired of hearing that bullshit and it was with a loud bang against the table, silencing the entire cafeteria, that he came out to the whole school, telling them to just stop talking about him and swearing for probably the first and only time inside of school property.

He had stomped out of the cafeteria angrily, not in the mood to see what reaction the audience would have, but he later found out that his best friend, the perfect human that is Hyunjin, had yelled on and on at the group of students, who stood there stunned with wide eyes. Apparently, at the end of Hyunjin’s speech, all the people watching, even the poor old lunch ladies, had burst into a huge round of applause.

The whispers and snickering died down and were replaced by congratulations he did not feel he needed and words meant to be comforting but only came out as cringy. There was the occasional one or few slurs thrown at him at random times, but his friends and classmates had become overly protective and would take drastic measures to punish those whom dared hurt they’re Jeongin.

But he didn’t mind those comments, they didn’t mean anything to him. What would’ve really hurt was hearing them from someone he respected.

Sitting on the bleachers, watching his best friend play basketball gorgeously, he couldn’t have been happier to have been so well accepted by everyone he truly considered close and cared about.

The loud blow of a whistle made him snap out of his daze and he was quick to shut his notebook and stuff it into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder and making his way down to meet his best friend. When he got there the older had a smug look on his face and he smirked when he spotted Jeongin.

“Hey, I caught you staring.” Jeongin pushed down the nervous feeling in his stomach to look at Hyunjin with an unimpressed expression. “Am I that hot?” Yes.

“Hell no.” Jeongin made a face. “You sweat so much it literally makes you stand out like the gross man you are.” Hyunjin smiled wickedly, slung his own bag over his shoulder and opened his arms wide and- oh no, not today Satan.

“Give me a hug, Jeonginnie! Come back!” Jeongin bolted out of the gym with Hyunjin yelling after him. Of course, the older caught up to him and crushed him in between his disgustingly sweaty arms. Curse being too lazy to do any form of sports.

“Hyunjin you disgusting human get away from me! You’re sweaty and gross- it’s literally dripping on my clothes you animal- let go!” He didn’t let go. They had to waddle to the older’s home with Hyunjin refusing to release the smaller boy.

The two arrived at the house in a mix of complaining and cooing as they burst the door open, only to reveal Hyunjin’s parents standing at the kitchen entrance with a suffocating tense air around them. The older of the boys stopped laughing and looked from his mom to his dad in a silent question while all they did was stare at them, more specifically at Jeongin.

Silence lingered for a few more moments and Jeongin opened his mouth to say something, anything to break the quietness, but Hyunjin’s mother beat him to it.

“Is it true? The rumors?” She had the usual tone she used with Jeongin, of disgust, of disappointment, and the flare of hatred in her eyes was ever so present.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jeongin quietly spoke, scared of raising his voice.

Her husband slammed his hand against the table, making Jeongin jump. He felt Hyunjin grab his wrist, keeping his eyes locked on his parents.

“Is it true that you’re a disgusting faggot? Is it true that you, the boy my son dares call his best friend, would rather submerge in the pleasures of a man than give his all to a woman?” The man practically spat at the youngest there and Jeongin’s heart sank beneath the deepest parts of the sea, he couldn’t help how his hands shook under Hyunjin’s grip, which happened to be tightening with every second passing.

He was seeing a completely different side of the old man he had so much respect for, a side that made him frightened to death. There was an odd feeling of betrayal scraping all his insides and it hurt.

Both the adults had their eyes boring holes into Jeongin’s soul and he felt himself shrinking against the entrance’s door. He wanted to say something, anything, but his mouth was frozen open in shock at the sudden outburst. Thankfully, Hyunjin helped him out.

“How fucking dare you speak to him like that?”

“How dare you still stay in his presence even after knowing. Because you knew, didn’t you?” His mother scoffed. “People like him are disgusting, Hyunjin. Don’t you ever speak with him again or else-”

“What? What are you going to do?” The silence was loud enough to hear Jeongin’s heart beating rapidly in his chest. The woman took a deep breath before speaking again.

“Hwang Hyunjin, you stay away from him. He’s disgusting and a disgrace to mankind, he deserves to rot- Hyunjin, get back here!” Jeongin felt himself being pulled away from the house, being dragged by his hand right behind Hyunjin. The other’s mother was screaming something behind them but Jeongin couldn’t bring himself to care for the words being spat out, he willed himself to focus only on the way his hand seemed to fit perfectly in Hyunjin’s. A familiar feeling he still couldn’t identify swelled in his chest and this time he couldn’t bring himself to even try to push it away.

The woman’s voice died down at some point and before he could even blink they were at his own doorstep, Hyunjin’s hand still in his.

“Key.” The older practically whispered, tone soft despite the anger visibly seeping through him. Jeongin searched in his pocket with the free hand and found the small object with a dangling key chain he was all too familiar with. His hands were still shaking when he tried to unlock the front door. Hyunjin noticed and gently took the key out of his hand, opened the wooden door and led them inside the house after locking the entrance again. Jeongin couldn’t help but feel thankful his parents weren’t home, they never knew how to treat Hyunjin properly and the conversations always ended up awkward.

They were still holding hands as Hyunjin dragged him up the stairs towards his own room, closing the door behind them when they entered. Jeongin stood near his bed quietly, not wanting to say anything in fear of completely breaking down in front of the older. He fiddled with the bracelets on his wrist and bit his lip in a failed attempt to control the hurt feeling inside him and ended up only cutting it when the flesh got stuck between his braces.

While his soaring thoughts seemed to calm down when Hyunjin silently took both his hands in his own, as he always did when he wanted to calm the younger down, his heart began racing even faster at the older’s touch. They were both silent for a few long moments, maybe even minutes, neither one of them even opening their mouth to speak.

Jeongin felt the need to say something, but he wasn’t sure what. It dawned on him that Hyunjin had just walked out on his mother, which probably made her unimaginably furious, and all because of him. He said the first thing that came to mind.

“I’m sorry.” Jeongin didn’t mean for his voice to break, but it did, and it made him feel so vulnerable when Hyunjin brought one of his hands to his chin and made him look up, forcing their eyes to meet. The older seemed to have a familiar flair of anger in his eyes and Jeongin couldn’t help but think that it was because of him, that it was his fault and Hyunjin was mad at him for causing a fight between him and his parents.

“Don’t say that.” Hyunjin’s voice was soft, despite the fury implanted in his features. “You’re not at fault for anything, so don’t say that. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“But you just walked out on your mom and she’s probably mad and it’s my fault! Because of me, they got angry because of me, Hyunjin, I’m so-” Jeongin fell quiet and blushed furiously when he felt the older place his thumb over his lips, bringing an end to his pointless rambling.

“Shut up, Jeonginnie.” The younger was completely frozen, unable to move single muscle in his body. “I don’t know why they reacted like that. They are the disgusting ones, trust me. I’m furious with them and I hate that they said those things to you, but I know them, and I know they’ll come to their senses and realize sooner or later that they were complete jerks to you.” His thumb was still on Jeongin’s lips and it strangely soothed the younger, even if it brought that unidentified feeling in his chest. “Just please don’t listen to what they said.” The younger wanted to say something, wanted to tell him to go away and not talk to him or else his parents would get even angrier, but the touch on his lips kept them sealed.

He didn’t even feel the tears until Hyunjin was cupping his face with his other hand and wiping away the salty drops with his thumb. The younger’s eyes shut on their own and he felt Hyunjin’s fingers trace his features as he let himself cry.

The older crashed at Jeongin’s house that day and the two slept warmly on his queen-sized bed after a long and awkward dinner with his parents, whom didn’t question why their son had red brimmed eyes and a puffy face.

When Jeongin woke up the next day, an awfully cloudy Saturday, he was met with the blessed face of a sleeping angel hugging him in his slumber, making his heart race.

“I know, I know, I’m hot.” Hyunjin suddenly mumbled and made Jeongin rip his body away from the older with a disgusted face, despite the fluttering feeling inside.

“Shut up.” Jeongin scowled, trapping his lower lip between his teeth. Hyunjin hummed with his eyes still peacefully shut and all Jeongin wanted to do was stay as they were, with him observing the pretty details on his face, but his mind bothered him with the events of the day prior. And, as much as he wanted to ignore them, he knew he had to acknowledge them.

“Hyunjin, about yesterday, I-”

“They were irrational, Jeongin.”

“Yeah, but-”

“I’ll talk to them later, Jeonginnie.” The older finally opened his eyes and the look in his dark orbs made Jeongin’s insides twist and turn and flutter around. “Things will die down, they’ll come to their senses, I promise.”

He wasn’t so sure about that, but Hyunjin said it.

It didn’t take too long for Jeongin to finally realize what that unsettling feeling he got whenever Hyunjin did certain things really meant. It hurt, it hurt so much when everything finally hit him like a truck would hit a deer standing vulnerably in the dark.

Being in love with your childhood best friend and possibly the closest person anyone will ever be is bad as is but being in love with Hwang Hyunjin was a whole different level of terrible. To start off, the boy was one hell of a player. This was very unexpected, and it always took some long hours of convincing for people to finally believe that the boy, the beautiful angel-like Hwang Hyunjin, did in fact jump from one person to another in a matter of weeks, maybe even days.

Jeongin could never bring himself to understand how the older could do such things without being a complete train wreck of a human. Feelings had always been so complicated for the younger and for him it simply didn’t make any sense how someone was able to change the person their feelings were aiming at in a matter of such a short time.

What’s interesting is that Jeongin couldn’t really point out when all the careless dating had started. Whenever he’d look back, all he’d see was the pure and friendly Hyunjin, not the flirty and outgoing player he had become along the way. It hurt to see the one person you had ever fallen in love with going out with different girls all the time, but what hurt more was knowing that said person was breaking people’s hearts, be it intentionally, which it wasn’t, or not.

It wasn’t rare for the young boy to have to quietly sit through a rant about how nice it felt to kiss certain girls and how others were just a complete mess of stinky breath or braces. Jeongin tried his best to pay no mind to the conversations and in some parts, it worked, said that he learned to ignore the fact that his crush was going about kissing random girls, but it also happened to, against his will, peak his interest. Specifically, on how good kisses really were, if they were as amazing as Hyunjin made them sound or if they were as nasty as he often imagined. Though he never dared touch the subject with Hyunjin, fearing it was too much of a dangerous area to explore.

Not only was Hyunjin a player, but he, obviously, was not at all into boys. Or at least that’s what Jeongin had been telling himself.

One of the most shocking moments of the young boy’s life was when his best friend, the girl crushing confident Hwang Hyunjin, came up to him with tears staining his face and broken sobs echoing through the darkness of the younger’s room. Hyunjin rambled on about how he had finally gathered the courage to speak to one of the boy’s he had been crushing on and asked him out on a date, which he accepted. Said date apparently ended in a heated make out session, one that the older had never described to be so blissful.

Finding out that Jeongin’s crush and best friend was into boys should have made the younger happy, should have given him at least the slightest bit of hope. But it didn’t. It did the exact opposite, in fact.

Jeongin felt himself being crushed even more every time Hyunjin went on about a boy he had made out with, usually someone the younger knew personally. Usually someone way beyond Jeongin’s character. But, as usual, the young boy learned to bite down his words and keep his pointless feelings way in the back of his mind.

And he was able to do so for a long time. But nothing lasts forever.

There was this boy in their friend group that seemed to be able to read right past Jeongin, despite his efforts to hide certain things. His name was Seungmin and he seemed like an adorable and likeable person on the outside but Jeongin could promise you that on the inside he was far from that.

Despite his initial hatred for the older boy the two ended up becoming really close throughout the years, and this lead to certain things being shared, like Seungmin’s unpredictable bisexuality, which admittedly was a shocker, and Jeongin’s out-of-hand love for Hyunjin, this one didn’t seem to shock Seungmin even the slightest bit.

The two had been at the school’s field, completely abandoned since the sports had been called off because of a sick coach or something, and Jeongin had accidently let something slip about the ethereal boy he had known since forever. Seungmin had guessed it and the younger couldn’t deny it, only blushing and slapping the older’s arm as he cackled cruelly.

“How long has it been?” Seungmin questioned after he had finally calmed down.

“I don’t know…” Jeongin bit his lip nervously, running his tongue along the metal of the braces in his teeth. “Honestly? Probably since forever.” The older’s eyes widened slightly and he looked taken aback. “But I guess I only noticed a little over a year ago, when I came out.”

“Wow…” Seungmin sounded stupid and Jeongin couldn’t stop himself from giggling at his dumb expression.

The two chatted for the rest of the long evening, the school project they were supposed to be doing completely forgotten on the dry grass. It was nice to finally have someone to listen about his crush and how deep he had fallen for Hyunjin, even though Seungmin’s advice didn’t do shit.

Jeongin’s world came crashing down like an earthquake hitting the largest city in the world, mercilessly forcing buildings to crumble to the earth, when Hyunjin had asked him a simple question, one that had been asked many times but not in the same way.

“Do you think I should ask Seungmin out?” His heart broke into a million pieces, each one falling deep into the pit of Tartarus that lay in his already wounded heart. His eyes hurt, and he wanted to scream at Hyunjin for being an idiot, tell him that he absolutely hated him and that Seungmin would never accept such an offer from him. But instead he smiled, like he always did, and said;

“If you like him, go for it!” Hyunjin deserved to be happy, no matter how hurt that left Jeongin, he still deserved to be happy and if that meant going out with Seungmin, so be it. A part of him might have wanted nothing but for Hyunjin to feel how painful it was to be rejected, but he wasn’t proud of that thought and stuffed it in the back of his mind like he did with all the other thoughts he didn’t want to deal with.

And it happened.

Hyunjin asked Seungmin out.

He accepted, after a long talk with Jeongin and a reassurance that the younger wouldn’t mind it and that he was getting over it.

He accepted.

Seungmin also deserved to be happy.

They went on a date.

Hyunjin’s parents found out.

Jeongin would never see the older anymore, only in the hallways at school or occasionally on the streets, always with a happy look on his face that seemed so fake it hurt.

He avoided Seungmin like he had the plague and consequently stopped seeing his friends every single day on lunch break.

He felt and looked like the world was ending and it worried people around him. His parents, his colleagues, even his teachers would come up to him and question if he was doing alright, if he wanted to talk about it.

He didn’t.

Everything was awful. It felt like nothing meant anything anymore. It hurt to even open his eyes in the morning, knowing that it would be just another day of school and avoiding his friends because he felt guilty, but not sure what for.

The lack of will for anything had consequences, both mentally and physically. Obviously, he felt sad and depressed all the time, day and night, and insomnia had knocked on his door with a freshly baked batch of sleepless nights, bringing along some anxiety as the perfect topping. The lack of sleep left him with darkened circles under his eyes and tiredness following him all day like an annoying shadow that wouldn’t go away. His weight dropped considerably because of his loss of appetite and he could’ve sworn he heard his mother and father talking about it one of his restless nights, his mother’s cries echoing in his nightmares.

It'd be easy to say that this was the worst time of his entire life, but the cruel world had a lot up its sleeves.

Hyunjin somehow sorted things out with his parents and the two adults had come over Jeongin’s house with their completely ruined son for a dinner the youngest didn’t know anything about up until the last moment.

His mother had entered his room quietly and pulled the loud earphones out of his ears and dragged him out of bed to head downstairs where the Hwang family stood awkwardly with his father. They exchanged quick conversation, which Jeongin didn’t bother to participate in, instead staring at the floor doing his best to avoid eye contact with any of the people in the room, remaining quiet even when his name was addressed.

The six sat down and his father served some of his signature dishes from his restaurant. The delicious food enlightened the tense mood ever so slightly, but everything became dark and gloomy when Hyunjin’s parents finally acknowledged the real reason they were there. Jeongin pitied them as they broke down in front of everyone, dragging tears down his own parents’ faces, apologizing repeatedly to Jeongin. He didn’t say anything, only nodded every so often.

He felt bad, he felt like he shouldn’t be there. So, he left, excusing himself briefly before leaving the table and dragging himself up to the safety of his room, ignoring his mother’s call and not once looking the guests in the eye.

The door closed behind him and he flopped his body on the bed, stuffing his face in his pillow in a failed attempt to muffle the sobs.

At some point the door had opened, but he ignored it.

Sooner or later footsteps echoed through the room, but he ignored it.

Eventually fingers tangled themselves in his hair, but he ignored it.

Finally, a soft voice called for him, and he let himself be cradled in the arms he had missed so much, let himself cry and listen to the other’s cries, let himself enjoy the affection he had been craving for so long.

He and Hyunjin were back on terms and it didn’t take long for everything to go back to the way things were before. Jeongin had a deep talk with Seungmin and it was revealed that the older never really wanted to go out with Hyunjin, just thought of it as something to try out, and he deeply regretted it. He continued hanging out with his group of friends at lunch and the people around him saw how much better he had gotten, though the horrible feeling in his chest never seemed to want to leave.

Hyunjin’s bisexuality was revealed and for some time it was the biggest talk of the school, but it quickly died down and all Jeongin could be thankful for was that everyone had already learned not to tease and make rude comments regarding sexuality, and no one had made Hyunjin feel bad about it like they had done to him. Everyone was welcoming, and it brightened his every day.

Weeks had passed since the two boys had gotten back on track and everything was just as perfect as it had been before the bad things happened. Everything except for the fact that Jeongin could literally feel his love for the older growing with each passing day, tearing him even further apart. He cried to Seungmin about it more than he’d be comfortable to admit.

“Jeongin, you need to do something about this.” It was a Sunday afternoon and the two were hanging out at the park near the neighborhood, Jeongin’s head on Seungmin’s lap as the older threaded his finger through the thick black strands. “You can’t keep living like this, it hurts for me to see you hurting.” The younger sighed, enjoying the feel of the massage on his scalp. Hearing the older say such sincere words without any hint of sarcasm turned his insides to mush.

“I can’t. I have no clue what I can do. Forgetting about him is impossible and telling him will probably just leave me even more hurt, so it’s better for me to simply stay quiet until these feelings die down.” Seungmin’s fingers stopped and Jeongin was about to protest when the flicked his forehead rather painfully.

“You’ll die if you just stay there waiting for this to go away.” His fingers resumed their movements and Jeongin hummed in delight. “Just promise me you won’t let this get any further out of hand, okay?”

“Okay.”

It happened on the Friday of the last test of the year. Jeongin had planned to go out with his friends to celebrate and that’s exactly what they did, cheering happily as they shared a picnic in the familiar park. It was nice and Jeongin felt the happiest he had been in a while. But the part he was most excited for was what came after the picnic.

Tests were difficult, and all the studying took up almost all their time, leaving no random days for Hyunjin to sleep over at Jeongin’s house for their usual sessions of deep talks and lame movies. With all the stress finally over, the two had grasped the first opportunity.

They left the picnic relatively early compared to the others, and headed towards the younger’s house, happily talking about whatever. His parents had gone out for their anniversary and were spending the weekend in some resort near a beautiful beach of sorts. The two decided to set up camp in the living room, dragging their sleeping bags and setting out a beautiful display of cheap junk food like ramen and some gummies they bought at a recently opened candy store in town.

They binge watched a series they expected to be trashy but ended up being very good. Even so, they ended up growing tired of the story and decided to switch to their usual nighttime conversations. The topic usually changed rapidly and it was normally something stupid, one minute they were talking about alien life and the next they were talking about how cancer was nothing but a plan by the government to wipe out the growing population. Somehow, they ended up on a topic Jeongin had been doing his very best to avoid, a topic that made him greatly uncomfortable.

“When I kiss girls I always get lipstick literally all over my face and it’s annoying, but they do have better breath than boys.” Hyunjin said casually as he popped a handful of chips in his mouth.

“Can’t relate, sorry.” Jeongin had practically grown immune to these types of talks and simply shrugged as he snatched the bag away from the older.

“Honestly though, kissing boys is way better than girls so you’re not missing out on anything, don’t worry.”  Jeongin paused and the room fell silent save for the older’s obnoxious chewing.

“I’m kind of missing out on all of it, though.” The younger regretted it the instant the words fell from his mouth, startling Hyunjin and making his eyes go wide in shock.

“Wait… Don’t tell me you’ve never kissed anyone before?” Jeongin wished the lights would just go off as he felt the blush creeping up his neck and onto his face.

“Well, I would have told you if I had, wouldn’t I?”

“But why haven’t you kissed anyone? So many people would kill to go out with you.” The younger felt his heart thudding and he carefully spoke as if he was walking on eggshells around the older.

“I want to save it for someone special, and I’ve never really paid much mind to it.” There were a few seconds of silence and Jeongin expected the older to laugh, to ridicule him, to say something about how lame he was, but he didn’t expect for Hyunjin to say what he said.

“Would you like to try? Kissing, I mean.”  A voice in the back of his head was screaming at him to change the topic, to maneuver away from the dangerous area, but he couldn’t listen.

“I wouldn’t mind it, there just isn’t anyone I would like to try it with.” The unsettling feeling was in his head now, fogging up any rational thoughts and forcing him to answer the first things that stumbled out of his mouth.

“Try it with me.”

When he looked at Hyunjin with a taken aback expression he was met with a face showing no emotion at all, simply looking at him dead in the eye with determination and something Jeongin couldn’t point his finger on. The voice in his head was louder than ever and he wanted to deny it, to laugh it off as a joke and never again speak of that moment, but the fogginess wouldn’t clear, and the words came out before he could even gather his thoughts.

“Yeah… Yeah, sure.” For a terrifying moment Hyunjin looked shocked, taken aback even, the expressionless façade slipping right off and Jeongin swore he felt his heart drop with a thud at his feet. “Oh my god, was it a joke? I’m so sorry, forget I said that, I-”

“No, Yes! I mean… no, it wasn’t a joke, I’m serious, I just… I didn’t expect you to agree.” Jeongin couldn’t even look the older in the eye and blushed furiously as he prayed to every god out there to just make a hole to swallow him right then and there. The silence was deafening, and his embarrassment grew larger by every passing second, he even ignored it when the older called his name more than once with an annoyingly entertained tone to his voice.

Their eyes were forced to meet when Hyunjin scooted closer and cupped Jeongin’s face with both hands, squishing his burning cheeks in the process. They stared at each other for what seemed like hours, the younger not being able to bring himself to do something, to laugh it off and say it would be weird because their friends and friends wouldn’t kiss each other, but his voice got stuck in his throat and Hyunjin spoke first.

“Are you sure you’d let me kiss you, Jeonginnie?” The younger felt too dazed to respond but his head somehow managed to nod. “I promise, no strings attached. It’s just a kiss, don’t worry.” This was exactly what made the voice in Jeongin’s head scream impossibly louder, telling him to call it off before it was too late because for Hyunjin it’s just a kiss, but for him it would mean so much more and he’d get hurt. The words were crawling up his throat and about to leave his mouth when Hyunjin finally closed the small space between them and pressed his lips against the younger’s.

It was quick, too quick. Jeongin was sure it didn’t even qualify as a kiss, more as a mere peck of the lips. But it still, somehow, felt so good yet so wrong. He hated how he could feel the softness of the older’s lips in just a simple two second peck on the lips, how he could tell Hyunjin could do so much more than just press his lips on Jeongin’s, how he found himself craving more of the touch the second their lips disconnected.

Jeongin had to bite his lips to stop himself from whining and diving in for another kiss because it was just too quick. Hyunjin huffed a laugh and ruffled the younger’s hair affectionately, probably an attempt to sooth the obviously nervous boy. The attempt failed and only made his heart race even faster than before.

“Let’s sleep.” Hyunjin said before pulling the younger into his sleeping bag and somehow making the two fit inside the warm blanket-like cocoon, leaving Jeongin’s sleeping bag laying uselessly behind them. As per usual, Hyunjin wrapped his arms around the younger’s waist and said boy stuffed his face in the older’s chest, heart and mind still flying around like a leaf caught in a windy storm. Before either of them could fall sleep Hyunjin whispered quietly.

“This won’t change anything between us, right? It was just a kiss, a platonic kiss, stop overthinking it.” As much as it hurt for Jeongin to hear this he knew, in the very back of his mind and ever since the moment Hyunjin offered, that this was a mistake and that as much as Hyunjin said it was platonic, he himself would never be capable of believing that.

“Of course it won’t change anything, Jin. It was just a kiss.” He felt the older smile and press a peck on the crown of his head. It didn’t take long for Hyunjin to fall asleep, nor did it take long for Jeongin to feel his chest constrict in the suffocating feeling of the delusional kiss.

“He did what?!” Jeongin winced when the brunette in front of him practically screeched with wide eyes and a furious expression. The younger hadn’t planned on telling him about the short kiss he and Hyunjin shared but in the midst of a conversation the little detail had simply slipped, and he found himself being cornered by an angered Seungmin. “And you let him?”

“Yeah, pretty much…” Jeongin felt small and he didn’t want to have to listen to Seungmin go on about how stupid and idiotic he was, but he was aware someone needed to knock some sense into his brain and remind him that Hyunjin would never think of him differently. He expected Seungmin to begin swearing at him, telling him he’s dumb, groaning and rolling his eyes at the younger, but instead his face softened, and he held Jeongin’s hands in his own, sighing deeply before speaking.

“Why would you do that, Jeongin?” The younger scrunched his face up, still not answering. “You knew you’d only get hurt, so why would you let him do that?”

“I don’t know.”

This was true, he really didn’t know why he had agreed to something like that. At the time he had been aware of how much it would hurt him, how much he would regret it the moment Hyunjin reminded him that it was but a kiss, simply physical affection with absolutely zero strings attached. But his body had simply frozen and he hadn’t even been able to blink when their lips were millimeters from touching.

It wasn’t even that big of a deal, it was just a peck of the lips, nothing that deep, but Jeongin kept complicating it so much and he just wished his mind would shut up for one minute.

Seungmin pulled him into a hug and pressed a kiss on the top of his head, much like Hyunjin would do to comfort him when he needed it.

“He doesn’t understand, Seungmin. He doesn’t understand that seeing him with all these different people breaks my heart.”

“You should help him understand.” Jeongin scoffed, still stuck in the older’s hold.

“I’ve already told you I can’t do that. We have a good friendship and I can’t let my stupid feelings get in the way of that.”

A part of him was reminding him of how he needed to do something about this, he didn’t want to live miserably for the rest of his life after all. But in reality, he had no idea how to fix this type of thing.

He pushed it down again, slipped out of Seungmin’s arms and dragged himself to his classroom as the bell ring, remaining as miserable as he felt.

It happened again, this time in Hyunjin’s locked room while they were playing video games, rather when the younger was destroying him in Mario Kart.

The older had suddenly switched the game off and sat in front of Jeongin, legs thrown carelessly over the younger’s thighs. He was close, too close, and Jeongin could feel his heart racing at the proximity of the older’s body.

“Let’s do it again.” All the color must have drained from the younger’s face as his blood went cold, racing heart suddenly hitting the breaks.

“What?” He forced a laugh that had no humor whatsoever.

“Let’s kiss again.” Hyunjin looked at him with that same face, the one that showed absolutely no emotion at all and that made his messed-up mind tangle up his thoughts even more. He huffed another laugh, not trusting his voice to say anything. He shook his head slightly, trying his best to obey that one voice ever so present in his mind, but then Hyunjin made a face and his heart sank to the bottom of the sea. “Come on, last time wasn’t even a real kiss, it was just a peck.” Jeongin felt panic building up in his stomach as his body seemed to predict that he was going to give in, that he was going to regret it like last time and that Seungmin was going to get mad at him yet again. “Please, Jeonginnie. No strings attached.” He could feel it, like a rubber band being stretched out to it’s very limit until-

“Sure.” That moment officially proved to Jeongin and the entire universe that he had absolutely no control over himself and he did not know how to not make himself do things that he’d regret.

“So sweet, Jeongin.” Hyunjin whispered as his hands cupped the younger’s face with his thumb brushing on his lips and staying there for a few moments, Jeongin’s face getting warmer by the second under his gaze.

Hyunjin went much slower compared to their previous kiss. He took his time leaning in, letting his eyes scan what seemed like every corner, every wrinkle, every flaw on the younger’s reddened face. His thumb traced Jeongin’s lips slowly before leaving and making way for the soft warm breaths he could feel.

It was way different from last time. The two stayed still for a couple of seconds, lips on lips. Jeongin didn’t close his eyes until he felt the older begin to move against his mouth, slowly as if he were being cautious yet movements still overflowing with confidence.

The younger was frozen, unable to move a single muscle, but Hyunjin prompted him to respond when he parted their lips for a few seconds too long and whispered for him to move. When Jeongin did finally respond with hesitant and shy movements he could feel the older’s lips curling up the slightest bit and all he wanted to do was pull away and forget this ever happened. But his mind went completely blank when he felt Hyunjin’s tongue swipe over his lower lip, jaw falling slack almost instinctively.

Jeongin’s subconscious felt the other’s hands slide down from his face to his waist, grip only present in the back of his mind. His own hands seemed to act on their own as they shot up to weakly hold onto the older’s shoulders, pulling him closer despite it all.

If Jeongin were to describe how the kiss was even he would cringe at himself. There was much more action inside their mouths rather than on their lips, contrary to what he was expecting, though he wasn’t even sure what he was expecting.

It felt blissful and for a long moment he was blessed with the understanding of everything Hyunjin said about kissing, of how good it was. He wasn’t so sure if he was doing too good himself but Hyunjin, oh he was amazing and although Jeongin loved it he couldn’t help but hear the echo of a small voice reminding him that the older was only as good as he was because of all the practice.

They could have gone way longer, and probably would have, said that they were so immersed in their little bubble, but a knock on the door made Jeongin snap out of his blissful state and flinch away from the older’s hold as if he had been burnt. Hyunjin looked at him with questioning eyes before another loud knock. He rolled his eyes and got up to unlock the door, leaving Jeongin on the bed with his face as hot as a ghost pepper.

“Hyunjin, I have a night shift today and your father is getting his blood exam so there won’t be anybody home. There’s some leftover pizza that will do for the both of you and if you get hungry just snoop in the fridge.” Hyunjin’s mother quickly said goodbye to both boys and left in a rush, not even bothering to close the door. The older boy rolled his eyes and groaned as he pushed himself up to do what his mother failed to, then turned towards Jeongin and there were a few seconds of suffocating awkward silence.

Jeongin needed to get out of there. He didn’t want to, but he knew he needed to as he could already feel the regret of previous happenings crawling up his stomach and filling his chest. For once in his life he managed to listen to the echoing voice and spoke just as Hyunjin was opening his mouth to say something.

“I can’t stay today, sorry.” He grabbed his things sprawled on the floor and threw them into his backpack quickly, maybe too quickly.

“What? Why? I thought you said you-” Hyunjin’s words were left unnoticed as Jeongin slipped passed him, feet nearly tripping on his way down the stairs. “Jeongin, wait!”

“Sorry, Jin, I just have to go. See you tomorrow!” The younger forced a smile as he opened the front door. Right when he was about to scurry off to his own house a hand wrapped around his wrist tightly and pulled him back inside. “Hyunjin, I have to-”

“Is it because we kissed?” Jeongin froze. “Jeongin I’m sorry, I promise it meant nothing. Please, I, I really don’t want anything to change between us. We’re really good friends and I didn’t know a kiss would make you feel awkward.” Jeongin looked the older in the eye, the panicked orbs staring down at him revealed how scared he was to lose his friend. So much was wrong with what Hyunjin had just said, so many things that Jeongin knew were true but just wanted desperately to have the exact opposite. It made him feel weak and he hated it. “Please stay the night.”

He did stay the night.

He tried his very best to pretend that everything was normal, that their friendship was still the same as always and that he hadn’t fallen so deeply in love with the older boy. Jeongin should have been used to it, should have already known how much it hurt to have to hide something like this from the person closest to you.

It was beginning to get repetitive. He was sick of it, sick of having his days revolve around Hyunjin, Hyunjin and Hyunjin. Always the same old, same old, same thing. But, in all honestly, he couldn’t really help it. He wanted to get his head out of this and live his life like a normal teenage boy, but this one-sided love was like a failed attempt to fly with a broken wing.

Jeongin was the introverted type, that had always been clear. But, even so, this didn’t mean the boy hated parties like the typical sad and emo introverts displayed in the movies. In fact, Jeongin was quite a fan of the pop music and the lively dance floor. Of course, he never brought himself to actively participate in the dancing, but it was still fun to watch his friends look dumb while hardcore fortnite dancing.

He’d been to many parties before, far more than he could even remember. Luckily, barely any of the parties he’d participated in had alcohol on display for emotionally unstable and rebellious teenagers, and he’d never touched the substance in the parties that did have it available. Usually when he knew the party would have the beverage he didn’t even bother going since he simply wasn’t a fan of the idea of drinking, but it was more than once that he found his friends a little too tipsy after a certain night out.

Seo Changbin, one of Jeongin’s closest friends and a known rich kid, would throw parties literally every chance he got. Even if the events would happen too frequently to be considered reasonable they never got old, always being epic and involving some cool DJ and a huge pool with neon lights inside. Unfortunately, there always ended up being a broken chandelier, vase, painting and one time even a bed, which nobody really wanted to know how.

Another thing that was always consistent in the parties was the classic game of Truth or Dare, as boring and cliché as that sounded. Jeongin had only participated once and had decided that this game was not for him, so he always opted for sitting on the side and watching, nobody ever forced him to join anyway.

Changbin happened to be a graduating senior along with some of their other close friends and had decided to throw possibly the biggest party of all his history as a goodbye to all the “old hags finally getting away from that hell-hole”, as he’d like to describe them. There were so many people, possibly the biggest crowd Jeongin had ever seen, a DJ blasting some hits from the year in awesome remixes, a dance floor lit up with huge glowstick-like things and even waiters serving hot dogs plated in a fancy way to make them look expensive, though they tasted like any other hot dog. Jeongin was thankful there weren’t any drinks since it had been Changbin’s parents that had prepared most of the party and they allowed no such thing. Though he was probably the only one thankful for that.

The party had been fun, Jeongin couldn’t hold himself back and joined the dance floor when “attention” started playing, his friends cheering him on too enthusiastically. He wasn’t the best dancer, but it was fun. What was hilarious was when day6 started playing and Seungmin completely lost it, leaving their group of friends cackling and howling in laughter.

When some of the people got tired of dancing and were beginning to lose their voices from all the screaming, Changbin gathered a group of ones who wanted to participate in the iconic game of Truth or Dare and they all settled on sprawling out on the mile-long couches in the absurdly large living room. The original game, as most people know, involves a bottle and the participants had to sit in a circle, but there were too many people to sit in a circle, so the settled on an app that generated their names and such.

The game went by smoothly, or rather not so smoothly but hilarious either way. The topics were new territory for Jeongin and he found himself blushing one too many times at a question or dare aimed at someone that wasn’t even himself. The perverted things some of his own friends said made him seriously reconsider his friendship choices. He had almost forgotten that he was participating in the game since his name never popped up, not even in the questions, until Jisung, another close friend of his, called his name and asked the oh so famous question.

“Jeongin, our little baby!” The younger made a face at the nickname. “Truth or dare?” He was already immersed in the hype of the game, so his answer was said without him thinking even the slightest bit.

“Dare.” There was a collective gasp, that oddly seemed to come from only his friend group, and voices immediately broke lose, trying to come up with the perfect dare for the boy. Many people suggested things that his friends immediately shot down as if they were his overprotective parents or something. Jisung seemed to catch onto something that made his eyes light up and a smirk spread out on his face.

“I dare you,” Jeongin suddenly felt a rush of panic and regret. “to make out with… Hyunjin!”

“Wait, what?” Hyunjin gaped stupidly at Jisung like he was crazy before eyeing Jeongin with a nervous glance. “Why me? Can’t it be someone else?”

“I agree, it should be someone else. Hyunjin and Jeongin are best friends, don’t you think it’s a little weird?” Seungmin added, making many people in the room groan and begin protesting against him, saying it was just a game and they had to play fair.

“They both agreed to play the game, the have to play by the rules. It’s only fair.” Jisung said with an eye roll. “Besides, their best friends, like you said. It shouldn’t be weird for them, it’s just a kiss, don’t make a big deal out of it.” Seungmin looked like he wanted to protest again, but Jisung cut him off. “Don’t be jealous, Seungmin.” Jeongin saw the glare he sent the other and his mouth snap shut as the people exploded in laughter.

Jeongin was frozen, had been ever since the dare slipped out of Jisung’s mouth, though he could feel the warmth in his cheeks slowly rising. He wanted to run off and completely ignore the people there, but he knew it was only fair he followed the rules, said that everyone had done so since the very beginning. He placed a reminder in his head to never again agree to playing this stupid game.

The thing is, he’d been craving for Hyunjin’s kiss ever since their last one. Call him a self-destructive hypocrite all you want but he simply couldn’t help it. He was aware of how wrong it was, of how selfish he was being for craving something that would never be his. He knew that no matter how many times Hyunjin kissed him it would never be with a real meaning behind it, only a simple display of physical needs and uncontrollable hormones.

He hated the feeling of wanting something he’d never have, of needing someone who’d never need him.

Jeongin was snapped out of it when he felt encouraging hands push him towards Hyunjin. Sitting there in front of his best friend was making his hands shake just barely under noticeable and his eyes darted awkwardly. His breath hitched when two hands cupped his face in a way much too familiar by then, but loud voices made the pair of hands retreat.

“No! Jeongin has to kiss Hyunjin, he has to start it.” Changbin said with a wicked grin stamped on his face. There were some more howls from the people in the room and Jeongin’s heart raced impossibly faster. Looking at Hyunjin made him even more nervous, the older boy had something akin to fear in his eyes. Jeongin bitterly reminded himself that the older was only scared of losing his best friend, nothing but a friend.

With encourages from the annoying people around him Jeongin finally managed to bring his hands up to Hyunjin’s face, cupping the soft cheeks. He hesitated for a few seconds longer, lost in the older’s dark orbs, until the impatient remarks started getting too annoying. He took a deep sigh before closing his eyes, counting to three in his head and leaning forward, meeting Hyunjin’s lips with his own and bringing his heart to a total stop.

There was noise around them, but he really couldn’t care less. Jeongin was aware he had to make out with the older boy, but he quickly found out that there was no way he was going to be able to start moving his lips when it took him all his will to even join their lips. Thankfully Hyunjin seemed to notice this as he was quick to move his lips. The movements were different from last time, his lips seemed to act in confidence and no trails of hesitance were left behind. Jeongin felt himself melting into the kiss and, much like Hyunjin, he moved with much more assurance compared to the last time, trying his best to keep up with the older.

All his movements stuttered when Hyunjin’s tongue darted inside his mouth, not even bothering to warn him. Jeongin made an embarrassing sound of surprise that he prayed no one heard, but of course Hyunjin did since he smiled against his lips, movements halting for a bit. The younger, out of a brief spark of annoyance, licked inside the other’s mouth, catching him off guard and making his hands fall to Jeongin’s hip and hold on tighter than necessary.

High-pitched squealing brought Jeongin back to reality and he ripped himself away from Hyunjin with a violent blush on his face. He scurried back to the spot he was seated on before the dare, ignoring all the whistles and screaming from his friends and colleagues. Even Seungmin was laughing, which made him want to smack him hard.

“Damn, Hyunjin, I almost believed you two were together right there.” A girl in the crowd whistled. Hyunjin laughed and made a face.

“Ew, why would I want to be with my best friend?” The people around them laughed yet again and Jeongin wanted anything to happen right then and there, wanted something to kill him so he didn’t have to listen to the annoying people or the never-ending reject from his best friend.

Unfortunately, there was no earthquake or sudden tornado to suck up Jeongin and take him far away from there, only another round of the stupid game, more laughing, more squealing, more annoying people saying annoying things. Jeongin sat quietly for the rest of the game, tuning out when his name popped up in questions, only answering a truth about some lame topic like who was the hottest in the room.

Jeongin was the literal definition of a mess.

He had fallen back to feeling like a living zombie.

Sleepless nights tortured him and all he could be thankful for was the approaching summer break.

Still, the one month of school left didn’t seem like it’d be any easy for him.

He had put on a stupid mask to not worry anyone like he had the last time he’d fallen so deep into this self-loathing state.

Hyunjin was still going out, but the people had increased in number. It seemed like every single day he was ranting about someone different he made out with and Jeongin wouldn’t be shocked if it really were happening every day. He didn’t even know their school had that many people to make out with.

But what made everything even worse was the fact that Hyunjin had gotten a habit of kissing him, always saying it was just for fun. Jeongin could never bring himself to push the other away or to retreat and tell him to lay off. It seemed like Hyunjin thought the kisses had no effect on the younger at all, since Jeongin had forced himself to act like nothing happened after the kiss at the party, to act like it didn’t make him have an existential crisis every time he thought of it. The lack of reaction most likely made Hyunjin think he had a free pass to make out with Jeongin whenever he pleased.

It started with short make out sessions in Hyunjin’s room while they were chilling alone. It escalated quickly when Hyunjin became more confident and kissed him longer and harder in the younger’s own room. But their most… intense, for lack of better wording, happened to be in the soccer team’s locker room, which was stupid and dumb, and they knew it but Hyunjin was persistent that day and reassured the younger that nobody would come in since he was on closing duty.

As much as Jeongin hated to admit it, that kiss had left him in the most blissful state he’d ever been in his a little over sixteen years of age. It had been aggressive but slow at the same time and there was more tongue and teeth than anything else. Jeongin could have sworn his lips were left bruised. Needless to say, the boy had enjoyed more than he knew he should have.

He’d strangely been avoiding Seungmin because every time they’d talk he could feel the older boy seeing right through him. He’d remind Jeongin of everything he already knew, everything he wish he could do but simply couldn’t bring himself to, like telling Hyunjin to stop.

The vicious war inside his head was taking a toll on Jeongin and he often found himself hyperventilating and curling into his own body in the silence of his empty room. It made him feel vulnerable and the feeling of vulnerability was not welcome, it made him snappy and annoyed during the day, especially when someone questioned if he was doing okay or if the people at school treated him like a baby as they always did.

His mood had decreased rapidly throughout the week and he could easily say that he had never felt so depressed. It was almost like he would break and begin crying manically at any given moment.

When Hyunjin had dragged the younger to his home for the nth time that month he really hadn’t expected anything but the same old make out sessions he was beginning to get used to (lie) and the annoying rants from the older. Jeongin really hadn’t been feeling it that day, having woken up at three in the morning and not been able to sleep since. He really didn’t feel like sitting through another conversation about people Hyunjin made out with that weren’t him, but he never intended on snapping at the older, it just kind of happened, and he regretted the words almost as fast as he’d regret their shared kisses.

“I swear, Jeongin, I think she might last.” It made Jeongin sick to his stomach to have to listen to those lovestruck words. He’d heard Hyunjin say the same thing more than he wanted to and it was always a lie, they would break up in a matter of two weeks, sometimes even less. Jeongin hated how he knew Hyunjin would cut it off quickly, how he knew the older boy would break the poor girl’s heart with all the false expectations. Something akin to anger began bubbling in his chest and he had to bite his lip to keep it in. “She’s beautiful and so nice, I want to introduce you to her, she said she’d be at the party tonight, so-”

“If she’s so perfect then what the hell are you doing here with me?” His tone was like a knife cutting through the air, sharp and objective. Hyunjin looked taken aback with his brows furrowed and his lips parted.

“Jeongin, I wanted to hang out with you, you’re my friend.” Jeongin scoffed and tossed the game controller he was holding on the floor, ignoring his character’s yelps and screams. Friend.

“Well, last time I checked ‘hanging out’ didn’t mean listening to your best friend rant about people you couldn’t care less about.”

“That’s not fair, if you were so bothered then you should have said something.” Jeongin looked at him flatly.

“I have.” Hyunjin seemed to hesitate a bit before his expression softened. The younger averted his eyes to the bracelets on his wrists as his thumb fiddled with the small beads.

“Jeongin, I’m sorry. I’ll stop.” He felt hands taking in his own and his mind almost turned to mush, but something in his brain alerted him to snap out of it. He flinched his hands away, making Hyunjin pout. “Come here, Jeonginnie. I haven’t kissed anyone in a while. It’ll calm you down.” Jeongin froze as hands cupped his face, but he quickly ripped himself away from the older with a baffled face.

“So, you finally admit it.” He scoffed as he scrambled to his feet, throwing his things in his bag while speaking. “You’re using me to please yourself. Now I’m just a little back up for when you don’t have somebody else to do, right? You’re such an ignorant jerk. You were literally talking about your girlfriend two seconds ago. I’m leaving, go find yourself someone you like back to suck their face off.” Jeongin slammed the room’s door shut, not even sparing the older a glance, before heading downstairs and making a beeline for the door, ignoring Hyunjin’s mother.

He wasn’t even thinking when he called a cab to the house of one of his classmates, a problematic boy who was famous for top class parties, which unfortunately always involved alcohol. Jeongin was always invited but never accepted, partly because he didn’t want to get involved with drinking, also because his friends were protective of him and, like himself, didn’t want him to get involved with drinking.

At that moment, he couldn’t care less.

There were many familiar faces, but all seemed twisted and tipsy, laughing at things that weren’t even funny and doing things Jeongin knew they wouldn’t do if they didn’t have the encouragement from a little something. His class president, for example, was working it on the dance floor while people around her cheered her on, something that would never happen if she and the others were sober.

Many people noticed Jeongin and greeted him with surprised faces and obnoxious yelling. One of them, a boy who’s name Jeongin could never remember, dragged him to the huge kitchen where teens were either making out or mixing a handful of liquids in a single cup. Nameless boy grabbed two cups and filled them to the brim with soda and a clear liquid Jeongin couldn’t really identify. He grabbed one for himself and gave the other to Jeongin. They cheered and downed the whole thing. Jeongin couldn’t help but make a face when the liquid touched his tongue, the bitterness was disgusting, and he could feel his throat burning as the drink made its way down his body.

It took only a few minutes for him to begin feeling tipsy and strangely calmer. Nameless boy noticed this and poured another drink into their cups, cheering and downing the whole cup yet again. The taste wasn’t as bad as the first time, and as Jeongin continued drinking the cups given to him by the other boy, his throat began getting used to the burn, even liking it. He didn’t even process when he was dragged to the dance floor, but suddenly nameless boy was gone and a different boy with short dyed blonde hair and a pretty face, at least that’s what his altered mind told him, had his arms wrapped around his neck and danced with him to the beat of a song he didn’t even process.

His normal self would have panicked and ran away, but the touches seemed welcoming and the blonde boy was pretty, very pretty. A voice in the back of his mind told him to step away, but he was through with this voice and ignored it completely, letting the funky looking drinks lock it up in an untouchable part of his brain. There was conversation going on between him and the blonde boy, but he couldn’t process what was being said, only laughed when it seemed right and smiled when he didn’t know what to say.

Jeongin felt as though he was falling into a spell, getting even further lost as the night went on, as the drinks kept coming. At some point he was making his way outside of the house, in the front lawn where, strangely, not many people seemed to be. There were hands cupping his face, like the way Hyunjin did. The thought set off an anger in his stomach and he let his hands fall on the blonde boy’s awfully thin waist.

Their lips met and as much as Jeongin wanted to enjoy it, to forget about everything else, his mind kept running back to the thought of Hyunjin, of Hyunjin’s kisses, and it just wasn’t the same with the blonde boy. His kisses with Hyunjin were perfect, they weren’t sloppy and didn’t make him feel gross and it was all too different.

A hand on his shoulder suddenly ripped him away from the blonde boy.

“Jeongin, what the hell are you doing?” An awfully familiar voice yelled at him, two hands on his shoulders forcing him to look up at the person and… oh.

“Hyunjin, let go of me.” He tried to pull away from the strong grip but ended up losing some of his balance nearly tripping and falling flat on the ground.

“Yeah, let go of him, Hyunjin.” A bitter voice made both him and Hyunjin snap their eyes to the blonde boy.

“Nobody was talking to you, kid.” Hyunjin snarled. Jeongin only processed the rude tone in his voice and it made the anger building inside him grow considerably.

“Excuse me?” The blonde boy scoffed. “I don’t know if you realized, but we were kind of in the middle of something before you interrupted.”

“Oh please, as if Jeongin would ever willingly make out with someone like you.”

“Hyunjin, what the hell?” Jeongin snarled just as the blonde boy was about to say something. “What is wrong with you? Why are you even here, just leave!”

“Jeongin, do you even know who this is?” The younger boy paused, suddenly coming to the realization that no, he did not know who he was just making out with. The blonde boy’s name had been said during the conversation, but he couldn’t remember.

“Does that matter, Hyunjin? Just leave, no one wants you here.”

“You know what? I’ll just go, I can’t stand this bullshit.” The blonde boy pushed through the two boys, exaggerating when his shoulder bumped into Hyunjin, pushing him forcefully. Jeongin glared at the older, anger now turned to fury burning in the pit of his stomach.

“What is your problem, Hyunjin?”

“Why were you just making out with somebody you don’t even know?”

“Well, you’re one to talk, aren’t you?” Jeongin scoffed, obvious rage seeping through his words. “I can’t even kiss one person and you come intervene, but I have to sit and listen to you go on about the millionth person you made out with?”

“It’s different.”

“Oh, is it?”

“Yes, yes, it is. I know the people I go out with.”

“Bullshit, I bet you can’t remember half of their names.”

“Jeongin, you didn’t even know anything about him!”

“It was one person, Hyunjin. One person. At least I don’t go around giving myself to anyone like a damn slut.”

The music coming from inside the house and the yelling from drunk teens were the only sounds present after Jeongin let those words slip through his mouth. He didn’t regret it, not a single bit. He was mad, very mad. Hyunjin sucked in a sharp breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them, there was a glare so intense Jeongin’s knees could have buckled right then and there. But he held his posture and returned a hopefully as intense glare.

“Don’t you dare ever say that to me again.”

“I can say whatever the hell I want.” There were a few more seconds of silence before the older visibly softened, sighing and letting his shoulders sag as if he were exhausted.

“Just… Go home, Jeongin. You’re drunk.” These weren’t exactly the words Jeongin expected to hear, but they didn’t sooth the anger inside him. But he remained silent as the older turned his back to the house and walked away.

Jeongin felt his head pounding violently and he tried to focus on one thing that wasn’t swirling around with the entire world. His stomach made an aggressive movement and he barely had time to bend down before he was letting out everything he consumed that night.

Summer break was supposed to be full of happiness and excitement, vacations to the beach and days spent with friends and family. It was the perfect season to go out and enjoy some ice cream in the parks scattered around the neighborhood, or to go to the public pools near town. Even heading out for a walk all alone was nice.

Anything was nice, really.

Except for staying locked up in your room mourning over something that happened more than three weeks ago and wishing for the problem to be solved without having to actually do anything to solve it.

Jeongin knew he was worrying his friends and parents but he just couldn’t care. They all knew something was terribly wrong between him and Hyunjin, anyone could tell when the two had a fight. He had absolutely zero will to do anything but binge watch series he didn’t even like. His parents were still working so he barely even saw them, but it was obvious he was barely even eating as they always came back to see the plate of delicious food his father would make completely untouched.

His mother tried to talk to him one day, but he didn’t consider any of her suggestions to go out with his friends and enjoy the weather. He hated the sun anyway. Jeongin and his parents weren’t exactly on perfect terms either, since he had simply shown up drunk and balling his eyes out. They didn’t exactly get mad, but he felt some of their trust in him being broken and it only gave him even more reason to stay inside his room like a bear in hibernation.

Only when Seungmin barged into his room and gave him the scolding of a lifetime did he leave the house for more than one hour. He was forced to sleep at the older’s house and, as much as he didn’t want to, he had a decent time. Jeongin spilled about what happened between him and Hyunjin, since Seungmin only seemed to know fragments from crazy rumors that had been going around school.

When morning came around all he wanted to do was stay inside in the cheap sleeping bag he had been given and mourn some more over his own idiotic self. Of course, Seungmin had other plans as he ripped him away from the sleeping bag.

“You, my good sir, have a lot to fix.”

“No, I don’t. Let me sleep.” Jeongin groaned while tugging at the soft fabric of the bag.

“Nope. We’re going out to have lunch at that Japanese place you like,” Jeongin perked up at this, sushi had always been his weakness, “and you are going to tell me what you plan on saying to Hyunjin tonight at the park.”

“Oh no you didn’t.” Jeongin squinted his eyes, tone laced with exaggerated offense.

“Oh yes I did.” Seungmin said with a straight face.

“Traitor.”

“It’s for your own good you big baby. Now come on, fresh salmon temaki awaits me.”

The moment Jeongin saw Hyunjin on the swings, shining under the powerful glow of the moonlight, his heart dropped. The older seemed awful, even worse than the last time they had such a big fight. His dark hair was grown out and pointed in every direction possible, his clothes, usually clean and sharp, were wrinkled and messy. Even under the dim light it was possible to see the dark circles prominent under his eyes.

He slowly walked closer to the boy, feet as light as feathers when they hit the ground. His heart was pounding hard in his head and his fingers trembled ever so slightly.

“Hyunjin.” His voice came out small, timid, almost as if he was scared the older would disappear if he spoke too loudly. His breath hitched at his throat when the older looked at him, eyes glossy with an emotion Jeongin couldn’t identify.

He expected an outburst, swearing, anything that displayed Hyunjin’s anger. Jeongin had said something awful and he deserved everything the older had to lash out on him, to let it all out of his chest.

Instead, Hyunjin practically sprang off the swing and threw himself on Jeongin, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy and stuffing his face in the junction between his neck and shoulder. There was something about the hold that just made Jeongin’s heart shatter to pieces, like unsaid words that were too much to bare. He felt overwhelmed by the sudden affection and only after a few seconds did he manage to wrap his own arms around the older’s shaking shoulders.

“Hyunjin, please don’t cry.” Jeongin begged as tears brimmed his own eyes. “Please don’t cry, please.” His voice cracked and Hyunjin’s tears seeping through his shirt pushed him over the edge as he found he couldn’t hold back the river of emotions that was aching to spill from his eyes anymore.

“I’m so sorry Jeongin.” The younger felt his heart clench when he heard how broken Hyunjin sounded, how much sorrow laced his words.

“Shut up. It was my fault, Jin. I said and did some really dumb stuff. I’m sorry.” Hyunjin tightened his hold around Jeongin’s waist to the point he thought he would literally split in half.

“I need to get something off my chest.” Hyunjin finally pulled away from the younger, both their hands retreating to their sides. “I’m scared you might hate me, though.” The older looked straight into Jeongin’s eyes, hesitance prominent in the look he received.

“I couldn’t hate you, Hyunjin.” Jeongin whispered, trying his best to not look away from the intense stare. Hyunjin laughed bitterly, breaking the staring contest when he pressed his fingers against his eyes, throwing his head back with a loud groan.

“Trust me, you could.”

“No, I-”

“I like you.”

Jeongin’s entire body froze. He swore he could feel his once rapidly beating heart come to a complete halt, causing the blood in his veins to run could. He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly with his brows furrowed, as if his brain had been submerged in the icy cold blood. There was so much he wanted to say, yet no words could say such things. Hyunjin had his face stuffed in his hands and Jeongin wanted to remove said hands, to reveal his face and tell him everything on his mind, but his body wouldn’t respond. The other’s shoulders began shaking once more and when he spoke it was with broken words and a cracked voice laced with hurt.

“I’m so sorry, Jeonginnie. I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. I’m a hypocrite. I shouldn’t have even offered to kiss you in the first place because- because I knew I’d regret it and I knew somehow, I’d mess things up. But Jeongin, oh my god, your kisses were amazing, and I-I just couldn’t… I couldn’t stop. I wanted more but every time we kissed it felt like there was something missing and I knew what it was, and I knew I should have stopped, but I didn’t. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll go, I’ll never talk to you again, if that’s what you want. It would be amazing to say that we could continue as the friends we always were and that I could eventually get over this, but I can’t, Jeongin.” A sob ripped through Hyunjin’s throat, cutting off his seemingly endless rambling. His voice broke down to whispers of “I can’t” and “I’m so sorry”.

Jeongin closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting every word the older just said sink into his mind and be ingrained in his brain for hopefully the rest of his life. When he opened his eyes again he found the older with his knees on the dirty sidewalk and his hands still covering his face, the shaking of his shoulders never seized.  Jeongin let his instincts take control as he kneeled in front of the older and used his own shaking hands to remove Hyunjin’s. He cupped his face let his thumbs run over his cheeks, wiping away the trail of fat tears still rolling down Hyunjin’s eyes.

“Please tell me you really mean what you just said.” His bluntly said awkward words were a sharp contrast to the sweet yet hesitant actions. Hyunjin laughed humorlessly and almost ducked his head again, but Jeongin’s hands kept him relatively still.

“Unfortunately, I do.”

“Well, this was definitely not what I expected.”

“Jeongin, what-”

Jeongin’s instinct were on fire as he leaned in and pressed his lips hesitantly against Hyunjin’s and it took him a few seconds to realize that holy shit this was the first time he ever kissed Hyunjin. It had always been the older whom had started the kisses and the act took both boys by surprise. Jeongin, feeling a spark of confidence, began moving his lips hesitantly, as if he had never kissed before. His confidence was crushed and stepped on when Hyunjin pulled away, eyes blown wide as he gripped his wrists, pulling them away from his face.

“What are you doing?” A violent blush made itself present on Jeongin’s cheeks and he looked away in utter embarrassment.

“I-I was, well, you know. Yeah, I just kind of, um, sorry. I just…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, Hyunjin’s gaze still burning his body. “Hyunjin, I like you too. Like, I like you a lot. And I’ve liked you for a long time, way before the kisses.” He opened his eyes to see Hyunjin blinking at him silently.

“Wait, really?”

“Yes.” Jeongin laughed. “But I’m confused, you said you’ve like me since our first kiss, so why did you still go around making out with everyone?” Hyunjin scratched his neck in embarrassment, cheeks becoming rosy.

“I kind of hoped it would make me get over you.”

“Dumbass.”

“I know.”

“It hurt, a lot.”

“I know, I’m so sorry.”

“You’re forgiven.” Hyunjin looked up at him with a hesitant grin spreading across his cheeks. “I fell in love with an idiot.”

“I know.”

Jeongin kissed him again, and this time Hyunjin responded with just as much feel, just as much pent up emotion. They laughed when they finally separated, giddy with happiness.

“Why did you ask Seungmin out? I mean, it just seemed so random.” Hyunjin made a face when Jeongin spoke.

“I never really liked him, I just thought he was cute, I guess. I was wrong, he’s cuter as a friend.”

“Dick move.” Jeongin said as Hyunjin scoffed.

“Calling me a slut was a dick move.”

“So was breaking off my first make out session that wasn’t with my best friend.”

“Sorry about that.” Hyunjin winced.

“Nah, it sucked. And I don’t even remember who I was making out with.”

“I told you so!” The two laughed again, not minding how dirty their clothes were getting from the sidewalk. There were a few seconds of hesitant silence before the two spoke at the same time.

“Will you be my boyfriend?” They broke into another fit of giggles. Jeongin suddenly stopped and looked up at the older with wary eyes.

“Does being your boyfriend mean you’ll make out with me for a week and then ditch me like you ditch all the other loves of your life?” Hyunjin released a shaky breath before gently grabbing the younger’s hands and holding them in his own.

“I’d never do that to you.” Hyunjin smiled slightly. “And yes, I will be your boyfriend if you’ll be mine.” Jeongin grinned widely and barely had time to breath before Hyunjin was tackling him in a bear hug, kissing every wrinkle on his face and making Jeongin’s heart nearly burst with all the affection.

Turns out new travels fast, and soon the whole school knew about the cute couple. People were skeptical, worried for Jeongin and saying that if Hyunjin ever hurt Jeongin even the slightest he would be brutally murdered, and by people he meant Seungmin.  

The couple were very open about their relationship, being given support from everyone even some strangers, which was odd and embarrassing., Their friends were their number one fans, though. At least most of them since some always complained about how open they were. Hyunjin never worried about public display of affection and wouldn’t hesitate to kiss Jeongin by surprise whenever he had the chance. Jeongin was shy and felt awfully embarrassed when people would coo at them and remind them how cute of a couple they were.

In the beginning they had some rather upsetting interactions with certain people, but Hyunjin could be intimidating if he wanted to, and this quickly became popular knowledge throughout the town.

Telling their parents proved to be more frustrating than it had originally seemed. Hyunjin’s parents were surprisingly supportive of their relationship and Jeongin asked himself what in the world happened to them. They did seem a little bothered at first, and Hyunjin’s mother even said she’d need some time to fully process it all, but they were never against anything.

It was Jeongin’s parents who reacted negatively this time.

There was nothing too bad, but it still hurt when his mother and father that had been so supportive of his coming out suddenly were so against him. It took a long night of talking, more like yelling, and some shed tears from all parties, for his parents to finally give his precious relationship a chance. When he brought Hyunjin the next day the two boys were forced to listen to a long lecture about terms and conditions, which, like anyone, they completely ignored.

It took some time, but his parents soon accepted Hyunjin and his relationship, which was everything Jeongin had asked for.

The couple spent their hot sunny summer mostly cooped up in either one of their rooms during the day and going out during the night, when it wasn’t scolding hot and when they could walk in the streets without being cooked alive.

Hyunjin kept his promise and didn’t ditch the smaller boy.

Jeongin was happy, to say the least.

He thinks of this as he cuddles into Hyunjin’s chest in their shared flat. College was destructive, and he needs a recharge every so often. Hyunjin is the perfect charger. Jeongin smiles to himself as he recalls all the cute memories they shared in his last two years of high school. Hyunjin had taken a year off before joining college, leaving them to go together.

“Hyunjin, I love you.” He gets a sleepily mumbled response and a peck on his lips. Jeongin laughs and hugs the older impossibly tighter.

Never had he imagined he’d be this happy.

The world has surprisingly pleasant plot twists, sometimes it just takes longer for them to happen to certain people.

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