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“No, Ramuda. I can’t do it anymore.”
Those words rung out in Ramuda’s head, even now, two years later. In the beginning, he’d been absolutely smitten, head over heels for Jakurai. It seemed like it was the best thing that had ever happened to him, but it went sour eventually. Jakurai grew distant from him after the Dirty Dawg had broken up, despite telling Ramuda that he wouldn’t let that affect their relationship. Initially, Ramuda had been the one to tell him that he couldn’t handle it anymore, but he was very quick to regret such a decision and tried to crawl back to Jakurai, even though he knew that was pathetic. At that point, the only thing he could think about was how much he loved him, even if he wasn’t giving him the attention he really needed. So, in the end, Jakurai was the one to shut Ramuda out. For good. And, again, it hurt him every single day.
There was no way for him to know that it hurt Jakurai just as much. The real reason why he distanced himself from Ramuda in the first place was because of how much he was going through in his own head. It hurt him terribly to realize he, at the time, was too broken to fix Ramuda and himself. The guilt from that was too much to bear, and he felt he had no choice but to break up with Ramuda, even when he watched him beg and plead to let him stay. He would only hurt Ramuda more if he continued to stay with him.
Two years passed. Neither of them truly moved on. Their division battle was unbelievably emotionally charged, though they both refused to admit it.
Ramuda wanted nothing more than to win against Shinjuku. To him, it was a fight between him and Jakurai, not between the divisions. He really didn’t give two fucks about Jakurai’s division members. They weren’t his problem; he had his eyes on Jakurai and Jakurai only.
He thought he had played all his cards right. He secured a division himself with exceptional talent that could almost match his, and put everything he had into the fight against Matenrou.
It didn’t work.
Ramuda distanced himself from his division members for a week, at the least, and spent most of his time venting out his anger by sketching fashion designs. This was something he did often when he was angry, but this time it just was not working. No matter what he did. He eventually decided...to swallow his pride, march over to that stupid fucking doctor’s house, and give him a piece of his mind. This was his fault. It’d been his fault from the beginning.
Unshockingly, they were all over each other within a few minutes of Jakurai letting him in the door. They were so hungry for one another’s touch; it was absolutely unbearable for the both of them.
It took only that to draw the two together again, and Ramuda wasn’t sure whether he hated himself for it or not. Of course, he loved Jakurai with all his heart. But he was unsure if he really should have let him back in that easily. It was hard to completely trust him again after so long, and after what had happened, but nevertheless, Ramuda was unable to resist falling under his spell all over again. They decided to get together again, and kept it on the down low as much as possible.
It was a struggle for Ramuda to regain complete faith in Jakurai. He’d occasionally flinch upon the smallest touch on his shoulder, for example, or the simple act of the older man running his fingers through his hair. He didn’t want to react this way, but he couldn’t help it. Jakurai was clearly concerned every time this happened, but there wasn’t much Ramuda could do about it besides let time heal his old wounds from so long ago. He loved Jakurai, he didn’t want to be away from him, but deep down, he was terrified that something bad would happen again. Messing up with Jakurai again was absolutely his worst fear.
It took another while for Ramuda to even open up and explain this all to Jakurai. He hated being vulnerable, but he needed to tell him all the things he was afraid of. It was only fair, even if he dreaded it.
“Hey, Jakurai,” Ramuda began one night when he’d decided to stay the night with him, as it was the weekend and the doctor didn’t have work the next morning. “Can I...tell you something?” The anxiety in his voice was audible, and his heart rate only increased just at the thought of proving himself to be this vulnerable, but he knew he had no choice.
“Of course. What do you need to talk about, Ramuda?” Jakurai questioned, holding the smaller man in a tight embrace, a welcome gesture that he didn’t flinch at this time.
Ramuda took a deep breath to prepare himself for what he was about to talk about. “...I’m just...scared, Jakurai. I-I’m scared that...something will happen to us again. I don’t...want to be without you anymore. It hurts. Now that you’re back, I...I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you again.” He sniffled before continuing. “...I don’t want to make you feel guilty for what you did back then, but...it was heart wrenching when you left me alone so often, you know? And I’m scared that...that’ll happen again.”
Jakurai listened intently as Ramuda spoke, carefully taking in all the words. “Can I ask what makes you think that will happen again?” He inquired, sure to keep his voice at a gentle tone.
“Well,” Ramuda laughed nervously. “I felt like I really fucked up back then, you know? I was...such a bother to you, when you clearly needed to work...I-I knew just from all the times you sighed over the phone when I asked if I could stay the night...a-and...all the times you cancelled plans...just because you had work things to do…” He took a deep breath. “I was...too selfish back then. I don’t want you to think that I’m selfish.”
Jakurai took a moment to mull Ramuda’s words over. It hurt him that the younger man blamed himself for all of that, even after so long. “...Is there...anything I can do to convince you that I’m not going to go anywhere?”
Ramuda thought this over momentarily before shifting slightly in the older man’s grip to put up one of his hands, holding out his pinky. He didn’t say anything, and only looked Jakurai in the eye and pouted, expecting him to know what this meant.
Jakurai laughed lightly and held up his hand as well to interlock his pinky with Ramuda’s. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember the rhyme…”
Ramuda began to sing the short rhyme, smiling brightly.
“
Pinky promise,
Whoever tells a lie and breaks it,
Will swallow a thousand needles
And cut their finger off~.”
Jakurai slowly repeated the rhyme back to him,--definitely not as cutesy as the younger man, but still did his best--keeping their pinkies interlocked. Ramuda grinned at him when he finished and withdrew his hand.
“Now you for sure can’t go away again~.” He tilted his head and laughed a little, wrapping his arms around Jakurai’s neck. “You can’t break a promise like that, can you?”
Jakurai smiled in return, settling in the smaller man’s embrace. “I could never break a promise like that with you, Ramuda.”
Ramuda nuzzled into his neck and sighed happily. “Good,” He hummed. “...I love you, Jakurai. Always have, always will...”
“I love you, too, Ramuda. More than anything else.”