Work Text:
There’s something wrong with Justin.
It’s finals season so he’s been a little off for a week or so now, but this is something else. Adam knows Justin maybe better than he knows himself and even though Adam can’t exactly describe what it is that’s wrong, he just knows something is. And not knowing what it is makes it feels like there’s something sticky in his throat, or something hot crawling up his spine.
It’s just like, in Justin’s eyes. Whatever it is.
Adam’s noticed it now, too. Here in the library. Justin had gotten a text halfway through his second reading of some stupid intense article for his one bio class and then was way out of it during the rest of his read. Even Adam knows he’s going to have to give it another look later because there was no way Justin retained anything. He’s been kind of on edge ever since in a way that isn’t super obvious.
“Rans,” he says, elbowing his friend. Justin doesn’t look up from the textbook he’s now reading. “Let’s get out of here for a bit.”
His mouth quirks to the side but he still doesn’t look up. “Almost done this chapter,” Justin answers. “You getting antsy?”
“Yeah,” he lies. He feels good. Adam’s actually in a pretty good study groove but bad energy’s been radiating off of Justin like crazy. It’s distracting and he needs to do something about it before it manifests into a secondary Justin that can’t do anything but curl up into a ball under the table and groan. “How much longer?”
“Page or so.”
“You good for a break?”
“Yeah, dude,” Justin tells him. “Could move my legs.”
They get back to work and Adam manages to squeeze out a few more minutes of real studying, but when Justin finally closes his book Adam’s on his feet at once.
They make their way out of the library quietly and Adam shakes his head at the state of some of these kids. It’s crazy to think it’s his senior year and this is almost the last time he has to do finals but for some it’s their first time ever. Some of these people really need to learn to load up on carbs. He remembers Justin freshman year, twitchy from nothing but coffee, and just how much worse his anxiety had been before he got something in his stomach.
He pulls up the hood of his sweatshirt as they step outside but it’s not enough to fight the chill.
“You have a plan?” Justin asks.
“Hm?”
“You seem to be walking with purpose.”
“It’s cold as fuck.” Justin laughs and Adam crosses his arms over his chest, trying to hold onto his head. “Let’s get to the Haus I need my coat.” He thinks. “And my keys.”
“Sure,” Justin says. He gives Adam a look before looking back toward where he’s walking. “Where we going?”
“Dunno yet,” Adam tells him. He’s not sure how long he’s going to have to drive around before Justin tells him what’s up, because he seems to be playing it real cool right now, so today is still a mystery to him. “We’ll see I guess.”
Justin stays quiet for most of the walk but it takes a lot of energy to fight off the wind, so that’s fine. Neither of them were really prepared for it to start snowing while they were studying but it’s coming down now, big fat snowflakes that land in chunks. When they get to the Haus, Bitty’s already sprinkling something on the sidewalk.
“I cannot have Nursey slip again like last year,” Bitty says as they arrive.
“Smart,” Justin tells him.
“We’re going out,” Adam says, hurrying toward the porch to get out of the ever-falling snow. “You need anything?”
“Oh!” Bitty lights up. “Yes please!”
“Text me a list,” Adam says as he heads inside. It’s too damn cold for small talk in the snow.
The Haus is warm in ways that make Adam’s nose burn and his glasses fog up. He and Justin take the stairs up two at a time until they’re in the attic. They swap out their bags and layer up before heading back down, and by then Bitty’s already texted Adam a list. Most of it is baking supplies to stock up for the snow but there are some practical things for everyone on there as well.
Adam had gotten a pretty sweet parking spot last time he had driven so they don’t have to go too far to get to his Jeep. They’re buckled with the heat blasting soon enough.
“I hate driving in snow,” Justin murmurs.
“Good thing you’re not driving,” Adam tells him with a grin. Justin wrinkles his nose but he smiles a little bit too. “What’s up, man?” Adam asks, shifting the car into drive. He primed early for the winter weather so he’s not too worried about driving so long as he goes slow. “You seem off.”
“Me?” Justin asks. “What are you talking about, Holtzy? You’re the one who cut our study sesh in half to go grocery shopping.”
Adam shrugs. “Okay.”
They get to the grocery store and of course people are going crazy. There’s a decent amount of snow falling but it was pretty warm this week so most of it is turning to slush. Might stick later but Adam’s still not super worried. There’s no need to act like the world is ending.
“What did Bitty need?” Justin asks. They climb out of his Jeep and head inside quickly, maneuvering their way around some girls who are struggling to get traction on their boots and laughing as they slide. “Butter?”
“Always. And some brown sugar, said we’re running low.”
Justin nudges him with a smile. “Do you think there’s any bread left?” he asks.
Adam laughs. “Probably not.”
Even in the aisles that aren’t crowded, Justin keeps himself close. Adam knows that something’s wrong with Justin because it normally takes them longer to get to this point. Justin’s hand resting on Adam’s arm, Adam’s back. Turning to find themselves in one another’s bubble, faces closer than anticipated.
It calms something in Adam, too. Having Justin close. Not that Adam’s like, super stressed about anything really, but Justin always makes him feel better.
They laugh when they pass the bread aisle and find it empty and still Justin slips closer. His fingers brushing Adam’s wrist before he finally takes Adam’s hand. It makes Adam’s chest flip in the best way and he moves to twist their fingers together.
They can be like this out here, away from the eyes of their friends. To Justin and Adam it’s innocent to touch like this. Or well, maybe not innocent, if it has to be secret, but it’s not what the team would think it is. They limit themselves in the Haus or on the rink but alone, just the two of them, Adam craves it too.
Whatever it was that was affecting Justin seems to loosen the longer they’re in one another’s space.
By some holiday miracle they don’t run into anyone they know and actually make it out of the grocery store in a fair amount of time. The girls who’d been sliding around are gone now but the streets are definitely more slick. Justin pops the bag in the back while Adam gets the heat going and then they sit in the car for a second trying to warm up.
Adam turns and reaches for Justin. He’s colder to the touch and Justin sighs, hands tangling together to feel more of Adam’s warm skin.
“Home now?” Justin asks.
Adam waits. There’s still something Justin isn’t saying. “Not yet.” Justin looks up to meet Adam’s gaze but he can’t hold it.
“Well then where?” Justin asks, pulling his hands back to himself to rub together again.
They end up at a Christmas tree farm just outside campus.
“We don’t have anything perishable,” Adam says as they park, much to Justin’s dismay.
“Holtzy, the roads,” Justin tries again. Adam cuts the engine while making direct eye contact. Finally, a smile finds Justin’s face. “Just a few minutes,” he says.
Of course he caves. Justin fucking loves Christmas.
Adam grins as he unbuckles and soon the two of them are hurrying toward the lot. It’s not a fancy place and it’s not super busy due to the snow but there’s still a respectable amount of people here. Adam’s never been to this place before, they normally drive a little farther when they’re getting the Haus tree, but it’s fairly stocked.
There’s a booth at the front where people pay and then more booths stationed throughout the whole lot selling various goods. They decide on making a loop and heading toward the left to start. The snow is starting to stick more and is crunching a little bit beneath their boots with every step.
“We can’t get a tree without everyone else,” Justin says, though he eyes one that they pass.
“I know,” Adam responds. “But the tree’s your favorite part. Figured we could scope some out.”
Justin smiles before ducking down and hiding it behind his scarf. “Trees don’t last, Holtzy,” he says, bumping him with his elbow. “Especially the good ones. And--I think Lards and Bitty were talking about getting a reusable one this year anyway. Something that’ll last and also better for the environment long term.”
Adam sticks out his tongue and blows and Justin laughs, bumping him again but staying closer now.
“We can just look, Rans.” Justin loops his arm through Adam’s and they slow down just a little. Adam’s glad he brought his hat because the chill is starting to creep in and he always worries about his ears. “You cold?”
“Lil bit,” Justin answers. “Wasn’t prepared to traverse the snow,” he adds, but he doesn’t sound mad. He presses himself closer and Adam wishes they were back in his Jeep without all of these layers between them. “This one’s so little,” he says, pausing so they can look. Justin chuckles and Adam’s ears burn enough that he briefly thinks he wouldn’t need his hat to keep warm. It’s a scrawny tree, that’s for sure. “You put one bulb on it and it’d fall over,” he says.
Adam grins. “What kind of tree do you want? Like--when you’re on your own?”
Justin looks up at him and asks, “Well what do you like? Real or fake trees?”
“I’m Jewish, Ransy.”
Justin laughs and Adam’s grin widens as they carry on with their walk. “I know you’re Jewish, Adam,” he says. “But like--you come home with me for Christmas. Right? What kind of trees do you like better?”
“Whatever you like,” Adam answers. Justin laughs, or scoffs, but either way he shakes his head. “Don’t real trees take like, real maintenance?”
“You're supposed to water them, yeah. But the pine smell!”
“Dunno if it’s worth it,” Adam says. “I’ve heard many a story about real Christmas trees catching on fire. Is it worth the risk?”
“Fake tree it is,” Justin says with a nod. “A really thick, lush one that you can’t see the poles on the branches. And a few pine candles burning somewhere nearby so it smells real.”
“Mm-hm.”
“And it’ll be like, hella elegant,” Justin tells him seriously. “White lights only.”
“Yeah?”
“And red and gold bulbs,” Justin carries on. He pauses in front of another tree. “I can see it,” he says. Adam looks between Justin and the tree and tries to picture it himself. He knows that Justin loves Christmas, and that makes Adam loves Christmas too. He can’t exactly picture the tree but he knows Justin can, and he knows it’s perfect no matter what it looks like. “But also a second tree,” Justin says, turning to look at Adam.
“Oh?”
“For chaos and colorful lights and all the random ornaments that you’ve collected for whatever reason.”
Adam laughs again. “I love that,” he says.
“And the menorah will have a spot too,” Justin adds. “Of course.”
They’re still looking at one another. “Of course,” Adam echoes. “Justin,” he starts quietly.
“Hey!” Someone in a nearby booth shouts, startling them both. Adam turns to see that this booth is connected to a few others. It's in a pavilion of sorts. There are a few different vendors with a large tent over a central area that’s keeping out the snow. The guy who shouted to them is tall and strong behind his counter and has a large gray beard that looks like it needs a trim. “What are you still doing out in this weather?” he demands.
“Looking at trees,” Adam answers. “That allowed?”
The man sighs dramatically before motioning them over. Justin and Adam exchange a glance but duck into the pavilion, out of the cold. Justin moves toward a nearby standing heater and holds out his hands while Adam heads for the man.
“Two drinks,” he says, gesturing to the menu behind him. “On me.”
Justin scans the menu but then his phone buzzes in his pocket. Once he pulls it out and reads the name he excuses himself in a rush. He starts for the center of the pavilion to where one of those standing heaters are and texts whoever it is back with an intense concentration. Adam feels his stomach clench.
What the hell is going on with him?
Adam orders two hot chocolates while Justin does whatever it is he’s doing. “It’s not that bad out,” Adam says, but the man doesn’t respond. He looks displeased which makes no sense seeing he’s the one who offered the free drinks. “I’ve got good tires,” Adam adds. “Promise.”
“First snow of the year isn’t the time to be starring in your own Hallmark movie,” the man says.
Adam grins. “Well then when is?”
He rolls his eyes while Adam turns to look back over his shoulder. He catches Justin looking at him, phone away now, and the moment their eyes meet Justin’s smile widens and he looks down at once. Adam looks at him a second longer. He knows that Justin’s beautiful but he doesn’t always let himself enjoy it. Sharp jaw and soft lips. Angles that always cast shadows that draw Adam in.
Suddenly Justin looks up and when their eyes meet again Adam feels it square in his chest, like a breath he’s not sure how to breathe. The smile fades from both of their faces and no matter how far apart they’re standing, Adam can feel Justin in his space.
“Here you are,” the booth man says, and Adam swings back around to face him. He knows his cheeks are red and he’s hoping it can be blamed on the cold. “Two hot chocolates. Drink them, then leave. Roads will be worse by that point.”
Adam nods. He slips a five into the tip jar. “Good plan. Thank you.” Before he can turn the man clears his throat. “Yeah?”
“It’s nearly 5,” he says. “Christmas tree in the center of the lot automatically flips on then. Nice view.”
“If anyone’s orchestrating a Hallmark movie,” Adam says, leaning in toward the stranger, “I think it’s you, dude.”
The older man chuckles and Adam grins, tipping his head at him in another thank you before finally returning to Justin. He passes him his cup and says, “Hot chocolate.”
“Classic.”
Justin hasn’t really looked at him since he took the drink. He’s holding it in his hands, eyebrows furrowed with his gaze kind of on the ground. Adam waits. He takes a sip of his own drink. It’s a little hot but surprisingly rich for some random tree lot booth.
“Walk with me,” Adam says.
They fall into step by one another and Justin follows where Adam leads. There’s trust in every step even though he takes them farther into the lot, farther from the car, farther from home. Adam isn’t sure what time it is but he spots the tree that the booth man was talking about and stop just by it. There’s a heater close enough that they can mooch off of while they drink their cocoa.
“What’s here?” Justin asks.
“The tree should light up soon,” Adam tells him. “And we’ll finish our drinks and head home.” Justin nods a little and Adam turns to him slowly. They’re standing so close and still Adam wants him closer. “What’s going on with you?” Adam asks quietly.
Justin looks up from his styrofoam cup but only for a moment. “Why do you think something’s going on with me?” he asks.
“Because I know you,” Adam answers. Justin blows on his hot chocolate instead of answering. “Who was that text from?” Adam asks.
Justin shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter?” Adam challenges. Justin is still shaking his head. “I know you,” he says again. Of course Adam knows when Justin has something going on. “Tell me I’m wrong,” Adam says.
Justin exhales. “Adam--”
“You can’t,” Adam stops him. “For days, Rans, I can fucking feel it. And if you don’t want to talk about it, fine, but like--please don’t lie to me and say you’re okay if you’re not?”
Justin turns away from him at once so all Adam can see is his back. The moment feels long and painful in ways that Adam isn’t prepared for. He didn’t expect his own voice to have been so thick with emotion, couldn’t have anticipated the turn this trip would take so quickly.
“I’m just not ready,” Justin finally rasps.
Adam scans until he finds something nearby to set his drink on and hurries to does so before reaching out for Justin. “That’s fine,” he hurries. He grabs Justin’s drink out of his hands too and sets it beside his own. “That’s--I didn’t mean to push you, but like, Justin.” He wants Justin to look at him. “You know I’m here, dude.”
“I know,” Justin says. “I know. It’s just--harder with the holiday coming so fast, and--” Justin turns toward Adam and something inside of Adam sags with relief. They fill one another’s space again in a way that’s easy when no one else is around, grabbing one another's hands again. “I’m kind of stressed about going home?”
Adam doesn’t know why his heart twists like it does. “What? Why?”
“I don’t know,” Justin answers. “It doesn’t make any sense.” Adam waits, letting Justin choose which words he wants to use. “Ava’s bringing her new boyfriend,” he says.
“Do you not like him?” Adam asks, confused. He hasn’t met Ava’s guy yet but Justin’s sisters have pretty good heads on them. They’re both crazy smart, and not to brag but they like Adam so they clearly have decent taste.
“No, he’s great,” Justin exhales. “I mean--you’ll like him too, I’m sure. I met him when I visited Ava at school a couple of months ago.”
Adam nods, remembering the trip. “For sure.”
“And Emma’s bringing Nick again.”
“They’ve been dating for like, five years, Rans,” Adam says. “You said they’re probably getting engaged soon.”
“Yeah,” Justin rasps.
“Yeah,” Adam echoes. “You like Nick,” he reminds him. “No?”
“No!” Justin bursts. “I mean, yes! I do.” He shakes his head before taking another deep breath. “They won’t be there as long as usual,” Justin adds, almost like an afterthought. Or maybe he’s just trying to fill the space between them with words because something’s still a little confused somewhere in here. “Have to see Nick’s family too this year, or something.”
Adam nods a little. “That’s what people in relationships do,” he says with a little shrug. “The whole holiday circuit.”
Justin finally looks back up at him, holding Adam’s gaze. “We do that,” he points out. “Like I go home with you for your Hanukkah celebration. And you’re coming with me now,” he tries.
“Yeah but I always come with you,” Adam reminds him. It’s not like Adam’s missing out on celebrating Christmas with his own family, as previously established, because he is Jewish. He’ll go back home sometime during the winter break like he always has to see his family for a little bit. “That’s nothing new, Rans.”
Justin nods a little before turning away from Adam again. He looks until he sees where Adam set their drinks, on top of a random nearby stack of boxes, and grabs his own. “I know,” he says. He takes a long drink from his cup. “I’m not saying any of this right,” he says.
Adam’s not sure what it is Justin’s saying at all. He feels achy in weird ways because he doesn’t know how to help.
“Should I not come with you this year?” he asks. They were planning to drive so like--Adam can just go home? If Justin doesn’t want him with him? “If that’s--I mean if that’s it, Justin, then--”
“No, no,” he stops him in a rush. “No, it’s not that.”
So he does still want Adam to go with him. Some part of Adam that had been worried about this all along eases. “Okay, well can I do anything?” he asks.
“You do,” Justin says. “Like, you are.” Adam shakes his head. He doesn’t know what Justin means. “Adam,” Justin tries again.
But then the lights come on.
And it’s magic.
Justin’s gaze is pulled away at once but Adam can’t look away from him. Colors flood Justin’s face, blues and oranges and purples from the lights, and he glows. Adam loves him. Easily. Something warm flickers on Justin’s face and the corner of his mouth curls up in a smile that makes Adam’s chest roll with heat like earlier, like when they’d looked at one another from across the tent but--
No, it’s not like earlier, because when Justin turns back to see if Adam’s looked at the tree and finds Adam still looking at him, that’s like earlier. A rush of a breath and a skip of his heart and Adam can’t stand to be so far from him. Justin’s smile’s gone in a flash and his eyes drop to Adam’s mouth where they linger longer than they both know they should. Adam reaches out with one hand and cups Justin’s cheek and tugs him in.
Justin’s styrofoam cup clatters to the ground as he winds himself up in Adam to fix the angle of the kiss. It’s everything that Adam’s ever thought it might be with Justin, pieces falling into place. To feel Justin’s hands in his hair, his warm lips against Adam’s, Adam can’t help the smile that finds him. He tries to chase Justin when he pulls back but Justin laughs, shaking his head and leaning just out of reach that Adam can’t quite kiss him again.
“So, like, that,” Justin exhales between them, a crooked smile on his face. “My whole thing,” he tries to explain. Justin’s hand settles on Adam’s hip and holds firm. “It’s you,” he says.
Adam works in another kiss anyway. “Yeah?” Justin’s eyes flutter shut and he nods small enough that Adam can comfortably rest his forehead against Justin’s. “Dude,” he whispers. “You could’ve said.”
“I didn’t know how,” Justin answers, just as quiet. “I like what we have. And with the holidays it felt like such shitty timing to say anything. But like--” Justin laughs a little. “When Ava said she was bringing Vance--”
“Oh my God,” Adam stops him, “Ava’s new boyfriend is named Vance?”
Justin snorts with laugher and presses up for another kiss. “Holtz,” he exhales, and Adam caves to let him speak. “I was thinking about how you were the only person I wanted to bring home anyway,” Justin says. “Like, well before the holiday too. And then Bitty hung up a mistletoe the other day and I hardcore started spiraling because it felt so soon and, sudden even? And--”
“We didn’t even need a fucking mistletoe to kiss,” Adam interrupts. “Holy shit.” Justin laughs again and Adam leans in for another. “Christmas magic,” he murmurs.
Justin makes a noise of disagreement. “Holiday magic,” he corrects.
Adam exhales a little. He’s had Justin in his arms before but this is different, this is better. “You’re like, always my thing, dude,” Adam tells him. “You always have been.” Justin’s smile is warm enough that Adam almost forgets it’s still snowing outside.
He wants to kiss Justin a million more times but Justin’s fingers brush his neck and they’re cold. Adam knows that Justin wants to go home, so they’re going to go home. They can talk about all the things that they need to talk about once they’re back at the Haus.
After another quick kiss, just one, Adam picks up the cup that Justin dropped earlier before they take a moment to admire the tree. Justin drinks the rest of Adam’s coco, Adam warming one of Justin’s hands with his own, before Adam finally tugs them back toward the Jeep.
They both wave to the booth guy on the way out.
Adam will never admit to Justin that the roads actually were pretty scary on the drive home and they definitely should not have really gone into the weather at all. He’s sure Justin knows, if the way that Adam gripped the steering wheel as he drove and the obvious exhale of relief upon parking was not give away enough, but he’s pretty sure Justin won’t mention it either.
Bitty’s downstairs using the ingredients they bought at the store to make peanut butter cookies for the Haus and the smell follows them all the way upstairs to where they lay side by side in Adam’s bed.
Justin’s phone buzzes from his pocket and he digs it out, flashing his screen to Adam to reveal a group text with his siblings.
Ava
Did you talk yet
Emma
tell him ! tell him ! tell him !
#TeamAdam
Ava
TEAM ADAM
Adam’s chest bubbles with laughter as he reads. “I wondered who you were texting,” he reminds him, and Justin nods.
“They’re so annoying,” Justin says, but he’s smiling. He’s been smiling for hours now, Adam too, and he doesn’t think either of them are ever going to stop. “I’m already obsessed with you they don’t need to be too.”
“And why not?” Adam chirps.
Justin takes a selfie of the two of them, Adam kissing Justin’s cheek just for the dramatics of it, and sends it away.
Ava
Oh I am LOVING this
Emma
wait i know i encouraged this but if you’d waited until after christmas i would’ve gotten money
and now i have to PAY money???
seems unfair for the price of love
Ava
Pay up bitch
Justin
lmao holtz wants to know how much
says he’ll get you a gift card for christmas to reimburse
Emma
500$
Ava
LIAR
DON’T FALL FOR IT ADAM IT WAS ONLY 60
I’LL SEND YOU THE SCREENSHOT OF THE VENMO
Emma
god what a MAN!
Adam nuzzles into Justin’s neck with another laugh after he sets his phone aside. “You still worried about going home?” he asks.
Justin winds himself around Adam as well. Things here feel right. “Not even a little,” Justin answers.