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She knew this feeling: the last night before a suicide mission, although this one was even more suicidal than the one on Ilos two years ago.
So much had happened since. She had had her few months with Kaidan, working towards an actual relationship – Anderson had turned a blind eye on their victory kiss on the ruins of the Citadel tower and had let them serve together – before she died. And when she was brought back... two years had passed.
Two years for Kaidan to get over her, to move on. Two years to forget what she was about and think that she was willingly staying with Cerberus over the Alliance. If the latter had given her the resources the former had, she'd have jumped ship the first available port and arrested the ship load of them.
Now she was glad she hadn't, her crew having proven loyal to her over Cerberus, having formed friendships with them, and renewing some old ones, even gaining an adopted child of sorts – even if the headstrong krogan would laugh out loud at the idea.
And then there was Thane Krios.
They had both lost the loves of their life, Thane his wife, she her Kaidan, and they had bonded over that pain. And then it had been more, suddenly both seeing something, a new reason to get up in the morning, to live, not just exist. She wasn't sure it was love, but it was something. It was giving her strength to deal with all her responsibilities.
So yes, she did think of Kaidan during what was probably her last night in the universe, but then she put him out of her mind, hiding the holo in a desk drawer. He wasn't here. He wasn't a part of this. She couldn't spare the resources to think about him, about them. She had to prepare.
And she had Thane to think about.
She wasn't surprised when the drell sought her out, just as Kaidan had, long ago on the original Normandy. (And she wasn't thinking about him!) He was distressed, almost scared, having just gotten his son back, and now his earlier peace about his rapidly approaching end from an illness was shattered.
This wasn't what she had wanted for him – she didn't want to strip that acceptance from him, but he was so sorry to be leaving her behind, just as Kaidan had. (Not thinking.) She had learned so much about acceptance of one's fate from him, she wanted to give it back.
“Thane... we are all dying. What matters is what we do with the time that is left. You have used yours well, help me do the same.”
He didn't understand, so she gathered him close. “Stay with me. Be with me. If this is our last night, let's not spend it in pain.”
“So wise, siha.”
“I had a good teacher.” She smiled, and kissed him lightly. She didn't know if they were biologically compatible, so to speak, but she knew he at least kissed. “Let me give you some good memories to take with you to the sea.”