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It was christmas eve, and there was a certain feeling lingering in the air. The lights sparkling rhythmically all over town, painting in different hues the white snow piled in every corner, like dunes on a desert, she recognized that well enough. Flickering Red, Green, Yellow. For the first time in the year, the chant of horns and loud passing music wasn't the only thing that could be heard from behind the frosted glass of the apartment. The Carols and laughs were happily welcomed, a breeze of change that could only be felt in this season, a season of happiness, a season of warmth even covered in the coldest of snow.
A chorus entoning sweetly from the street could be heard, filtering calmly through the window of the fourth floor. So sweet, so calm.
Jingle bells, Jingle bells…
Rey couldn't avoid but smile faintly, eager to join, even for herself, the sweet notes that danced through the air
“Jingle all the way” She whispered
The sweetness of everything that happened in this season always touched her heart, but for first time her heart was starting to sink in an unknown feeling.
The lights, the joyful giggles, the gifts.
The family.
“Rey, are you ready to go?” A deep voice behind her irruptied her train of thought, bringing her back to reality, to the almost empty mug of coffee in her hand, the blurred reality behind the window and the cold trail on her cheek.
With a characteristic quickness of this situations, she dried the small drop that hanged from her jaw dangerously with a slap of her hand.
“Yeah yeah I was just daydreaming!” She turned over her shoulder smiling widely, deviating her sight from the growing melancholy on her chest, fixating it on the piece of a man standing in front of her now.
Standing tall, his cell phone on hand, dark jeans hugging his legs tightly, matched with a deep red shirt and a black coat hanging loosely over his shoulder. Eager for her it seemed.
“Plaid, huh? You truly never change” she observed with a grin, gaining a raspy chuckle from his throat.
“What can I say? I'm a man of habit” extending his hand he formulated “shall we go? We have somewhat of two hours of trip”
She took his hand in a vague form of hesitation, a sudden need of change and conflict growing in her chest
The night was growing darker above them, decorated by the luminous sings on the streets, Rey could get a glimpse every street or so of what a Christmas should look like, making her heart flutter slightly between happiness and pain, a complex feeling blooming deep down. The luminous streaks started to fade slowly and disappear from the sight, one by one, only to be replaced by the small white dots on top of the sky, a mix between stars and highway lights around them, the noisy happiness being slowly muffed by the cry of the night birds and the shiny streets of the city now gray and dull, peeking behind the white fog lingering in the air.
The radio playing Santa Baby for the third time in an hour, and the silence between them growing louder at her mind, this isn't supposed to be like this she thought.
But she didn't totally got to understand why.
“Fog's as thick as peanut butter!” she exclaimed loudly, in a poor attempt to nostalgia, her voice failing her in a high pitch. Damn it.
“Hm?” he muttered in curiosity, not taking sight off the road not even for a minute.
“You know! The quote! Come on Ben don't be such a Grinch” she tugged at her shirt playfully, but it didn't seem like it did the trick at all when he fixed his attention in the dull pavement ahead once again.
It hit her like a train, but even then she decided to ignore it. The fear that hugged her chest, the fear of ruining her own only christmas.
One hour and a half and her nails tapping on the board in different rhythms had became utterly boring twenty minutes ago. She changed the tactic then, decided to bring the christmas spirit to this damn trip, humming songs didn't do anything it seemed, and quotes from classics neither got his attention at all, not even from die hard for God's sake! This time she shoved her hand in her purse, fidgeting through the load of unnecessary stuff packed there, she found the most necessary of it all between a stamp and a half of a fake eyelash.
Something, anything to silence the voice in her head
“Aha!” She exclaimed in glory, pulling out a small green plant with a red bow “you know what this is!” holding her glimpse of hope between her cold fingers. He just looked at her.
The memories
The cold floor on Plutt's workshop, she still could hear the fit of happiness that floated behind those thin walls that divided her from the world.
She waited for a reaction, a good one, not the puzzled look on his face, this time, it didn't dissapeared when he took his attention out of her and back on the darkness ahead. This is not how it should be. She just hanged the small fake plant in silence. Her fingers trembling slightly.
If this wasn't a good christmas, would he be over her? Like every plastic family did?
The fifth time the song came, she turned up the volume just a little bit, enough to shush down her train of thought, and singed along as steady as possible
I'll wait up for you dear
This time he looked at her right in the eyes, they were darker than she remembered.
Think of all the fun I've missed
She felt the car slowly getting to a stop, with a last careful maneuver he pulled aside the road.
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
He hadn't take sight off of her not once.
Her lower lip trembling slightly “Ey you could have just told me I'm an awful singer” she tried to laugh it off, the knowledge in her chest, she tried. Her voice failed.
“Rey, love, what's going on?” This man had a sixth sense, but Rey wasn't prepared to accept it.
“What?! Nothing Ben I'm okay” she snapped, a little too defensively maybe.
“I didn't say you weren't okay” his voice had softened, and a hand reached to caress her cheek “so?”
“Nothing Ben jeez” she looked away, away of those inquisitive eyes. Right into the pitch blackness behind the window. She felt her heart constricting, a dagger in her throat.
“Rey, you like to drive in silence, to sleep between roads. This– he signaled the space between them with a gloved hand–may be new but I know something is off. God you don't even like Rudolph!” Oh he was right, damn flu deer.
The tears started to prick, they reflected the faint light of the moon
“I'm just so… confused… And it makes — me angry” when had they started to roll down? She felt a cold chill “Christmas is all about happiness and family and – I've never had–” a watery gasp interrupted. “I don't feel that joy, that excitement and I know I should now–”
“Rey, baby, come here” he stopped her, uncomfortably, he reached out to embrace her shaking frame to his chest, he was pure warmth. Irradiating through every inch of his skin, a sense of protection so new for her “You don't have to be happy, you don't have to force yourself to either” he planted a small peck on the top of her forehead. “Look at me”
She searched his gaze with watery eyes, hesitantly, afraid.
“What if I'm too broken, too caged to enjoy something as simple as Christmas?” Her voice was more of a trail of choked breaths.
“No, no baby” cupping her cheeks with the cold black leather of his gloves, the flannel tickling her trembling skinn. “You're free now Rey, you can be happy the way you want and search it at your pace, heal at your pace” he trailed off “And I'll be here to help you in the road” joining their lips slowly, cold and wet, but soft, it wasn't the first time, but it sure felt like it, her cheeks growing red slightly. “You know, the mistletoe” explained dramatically signaling the small plant hanging from the mirror. Winning a sore shaky chuckle out of her. The tears still running but this time not completely out of anger or confusion, she hadn't seen so clearly in years.
They got back on track when everything calmed down, she was bended, still clutched to the sleeves of her coat, drying some flowing tears. Still in the same silence, but warmer and welcoming to a rest.
She reached out, turning slowly the radio volume again.
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing
The last chords were playing out.
a ring
She chuckled
Maybe she did wanted a ring actually
Hurry down the chimney tonight
And the small smirk in the corner of Ben's mouth made her think, that maybe she wasn't alone in the feeling
Maybe finally, she wasn't alone at all.
Hurry, tonight