Chapter Text
Garrus didn't like it. At all.
A solo mission?
Shepard was skilled, yes. Probably the most capable in the galaxy. But she was used to having her team. What if she forgot she didn't have someone watching her flank? What if there were one enemy too many? He didn't care if it was confidential and direct from Admiral Hackett, it felt wrong for him to not be doing what he does best, which is watch her back...
It wasn't like him to worry so obsessively. Yet there he was.
Before she left he tried to pretend he had no problem with it, but Shepard knew better. She saw through it.
"Just air it out," she had said. "Let it get through your system."
Garrus practically gave a speech. To his relief, Shepard wasn't offended by his concerns. She didn't say it, but he thought she felt it was "cute". That almost made it worse. She promised to be the most vigilant she'd ever been, and he promised to be there the moment she returned to serve however he could.
His words couldn't change the outcome, she still left alone, but he did feel better having said it... until days went by with no word from her.
He was about ready to go pick a fight with Grunt just to give himself something else to focus on.
And then it happened. The Normandy suddenly lurched to life and Garrus knew it must be an emergency pick up. He didn't have any way to see outside in the main battery, but he did have security cam feeds.
He released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding when Shepard jumped into the Normandy on the bridge docking entrance. She went to the cockpit and Garrus felt the Normandy make it's escape, though from what, he didn't know. They hit a mass relay and then things seemed to calm down.
As Shepard headed for the elevator, he did too, hoping he could catch her on the way down to drop off her armor at the equipping station in the hangar. He timed it just right and the elevator doors opened to receive him with Shepard still inside.
He'd seen her return with armor cracked, scorched, blood matted in her beautiful hair... most of those times he had been escorting her to the med bay himself.
This was worse.
Her helmet was already off, hair disheveled, but all the rest of her armor appeared to have no new major damage.
But her expression told him something was terribly wrong and time seemed to slow down when he saw it. She was attempting to hold back pain of an entirely different nature, and failing in a way he hadn't seen before. Her eyes were watering, her lips betrayed the beginning of a scowl. He noticed it elsewhere, too, in her clenched fists and posture that was perhaps a little too tall. Something was burning inside her.
He didn't know it then, but would later find out it was 300,000 batarian lives that didn't exist anymore.
He couldn't help drawing in a sharp breath in shock and in that instant her expression changed.
Immediately her pain was gone; no, not gone, but hidden. Garrus called it her business face. It showed up on the rare occasion that she had to put her rank, her mission, her duty above all else. It meant "not now". She stared straight ahead as he joined her in the elevator.
He felt stupid for asking, knowing this was the worst thing to do, but couldn't help himself. "How'd it go?"
"The mission is confidential and I haven't been debriefed," Shepard replied, and Garrus could tell she was working hard to control her tone. He felt lucky she didn't punch him.
The elevator door opened again and Shepard marched forward to the lockers and began removing her equipment. She was careful with her weapons but by the time she was removing her armor she was practically throwing it into the locker. Garrus watched helplessly, keeping a good distance for now.
When she finished, she sat down on the floor, back against the wall, and used her omni-tool to set up a comm. She used her earpiece so Garrus only heard her half of the conversation. Since it was only audio, she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.
"Admiral Hackett, Commander Shepard reporting. I've returned to the Normandy. ...Yes, sir, I do know about that..." She was working hard to keep her tone professional, but it faltered, hints of weakness slipping in. "I think it would be wise for me to visit the med bay first, sir, as a precaution. I will be ready for a report as soon as I'm done there. ...Ah, yes, sir. I'll have one of my men meet you."
As the call ended, Shepard curled her knees up and covered her eyes with one hand. Soon she started to tremble and Garrus couldn't take it anymore and asked another stupid question.
"What can I do, Shepard?"
Shepard let out a few shaky breaths before she answered.
"You can escort me to the med bay. Then you are to go to the bridge and await Admiral Hackett. When he's aboard you'll escort him to the med bay, then back to the bridge after my debriefing."
"Yes, Commander." Part of Garrus was happy to have an assignment, even if it wasn't what he hoped to be doing at the time. He approached her now and extended a hand to where she sat on the floor.
Without meeting his gaze she took his hand and glided up to her feet. For just a moment she stood close, her other hand on his arm to steady herself, and it seemed to Garrus that she wished she could rest against him... but she didn't. She disconnected and walked towards the elevator, him keeping close at her side.
They rode in silence. When the elevator stopped on the crew deck, Shepard's knees nearly gave out and Garrus reached out to brace her.
"Thanks," Shepard murmured, taking a deep breath as she once more stood tall and walked towards the med bay. Garrus stopped just outside the door, watching briefly as Dr. Chakwas invited Shepard to take a seat. The Commander didn't meet his eyes again before the door slid closed.
Garrus knew it wasn't personal. He didn't feel hurt by Shepard. But he ached to be able to do something to fix it, or to at least let her share with him. He walked back to the elevator, cursing in frustration, wondering what the hell happened out there.
*****
It was barely a half hour before the Normandy arrived at the rendezvous location and a very official shuttle docked at the bridge entrance. Garrus had taken the time to compose himself and was ready to play the part of glorified usher.
The internal doors opened, revealing Admiral Hackett, and Garrus immediately greeted him.
"Admiral Hackett, I'm Garrus Vakarian. I'm to escort you to the Commander," he said, squaring his shoulders and offering a deep, respectful nod. He obviously wasn't Alliance, and technically neither was the ship, but Garrus had enough military in him to be on some form of protocol. He had done some research on Hackett after hearing Shepard mention him for various other missions. He had no reason to dislike the guy.
"Lead the way," Hackett replied, and Garrus obliged. Some of the Cerberus crew turned and stared at the official, some with respect, others veiled disdain. Some seemed to hide their faces in embarrassment. Hackett paid them no mind, eyes focused only ahead.
"I admit I know close to nothing about who Shepard flies with these days," Hackett suddenly spoke as they neared the elevator, "...but you were with her for the battle on the Citadel, weren't you?" Garrus was quite surprised he took note of that.
"Ah, yes sir," he confirmed. "I was there from the day she became a Spectre."
"You've got a lot of commitment," Hackett commented, glancing at Garrus as they entered the elevator. "Especially after her two year hiatus."
"She's earned it, sir," Garrus said simply and earnestly. Hackett gave a satisfied "hmph".
"Indeed she has."
The elevator opened on the crew deck and Garrus turned the corner, gesturing to the med bay doors.
"Here we are, sir."
Hackett gave him a small nod and stepped forward. The doors opened and he briefly acknowledged Chakwas, but Garrus was fixed on Shepard. She was focusing hard on a data pad in front of her. That was all he saw before the doors closed and he realized Chakwas was approaching him. She gestured for him to follow her back towards the elevator.
"Her medical debrief went well, and you have got to stop fussing," she scolded him in hushed tones once they were in the hallway.
"I'm not fussing," Garrus insisted, mandibles twitching in offense.
"You're only offended by that because it's true," she stated, jabbing him in the chest with a finger. Garrus rubbed the back of his neck, flustered.
"What am I supposed to do, Chakwas? What I'm good at is having Shepard's back, and I don't even know what's happening right now," he hissed.
"Everyone aboard the ship is good at supporting Shepard in some way or another, Garrus. She doesn't need your aim or your flirting right now." His mandibles twitched again but Chakwas ignored it. "She needs your level head. So get it back on straight," she told him. Garrus sighed and nodded, acknowledging the sound advice. Chakwas smiled and patted his shoulder. "But give her time. She needs her own air space first."
With that, Chakwas left his side and went into the lounge to relax for a bit. Garrus paced the hallway for a few more minutes before Admiral Hackett exited the med bay. He approached Garrus at the elevator and they stepped inside together.
"Are there any other turians on this ship?" Hackett asked suddenly as they reached the bridge.
"Er, no sir. We have a handful of non-humans but I'm the only turian," Garrus informed him. He could feel Hackett's gaze as he stepped out of the elevator.
"Tell me... are the Reapers on the turian's radar?"
"Ah... not as much as Shepard or I would prefer, which is true of all species, sir." Garrus glanced at the Admiral and spoke quietly as they made their way to the airlock. "Councilor Sparatus, of course, has been aware of much of Shepard's mission when we were dealing with Saren and Sovereign... but as for whether he still puts stock in the idea of an eventual war, or whether the Primarch has even considered it, I would say it's not likely to be on the forefront of their minds." Garrus was frowning and Hackett nodded in understanding.
"Well..." He held out his hand and Garrus shook it. The Admiral looked him straight in the eye. "Make sure you do something about that," he said, not letting go until Garrus replied.
"Erm... yes, sir..." He wasn't even sure exactly what the Admiral meant. What could he do that Shepard hadn't already tried to get people to pay attention?
Hackett nodded, seeming satisfied, and bid Garrus farewell with "Godspeed, Vakarian."
"To you as well," he replied, and watched the Admiral disembark.
Before Garrus stepped away, he got distracted by Joker cursing loudly.
"Are you serious EDI?" the pilot asked incredulously.
"What's happening?" Garrus asked, stepping into the cockpit. "Do you need me to relay anything to the Commander?"
"I think she already knows," Joker replied, his tone a mix of amazement and dubiousness.
"The Viper Nebula mass relay has been destroyed," EDI informed Garrus.
"Destroyed?" Garrus repeated, eyes opening wide.
"Yes. Across all documented history, the destruction of a mass relay has never before occurred."
"Well, making history is what we do best here aboard the Normandy," Joker replied half-heartedly.
"EDI, I don't suppose the mass relay just fizzled out quietly," Garrus grumbled, beginning to feel unease in his stomach.
"No. It had an effect similar to a supernova. It appears caught in the blast was Aratoht, which hosted a batarian colony with an estimated population of approximately 300,000--"
Both Joker and Garrus cursed, the turian immediately turning around and making a beeline for the elevator, his mind racing.
Suddenly it made sense. No wonder Shepard had been "off". Who wouldn't be? What had happened out there to get the stakes so high?
He fidgeted for the whole elevator ride then darted out and towards the med bay. Thinking better of it, he went into the main area instead and glanced through the med bay windows as casually as he could.
Shepard was no longer in there, but Chakwas was, already meeting his gaze and gesturing with her hands for him to relax.
Garrus just huffed and trudged back to the battery. Right. Give her time. As soon as he stepped back in, he knew he couldn't stay there either. He changed his clothes and sent a comm to port cargo.
"Grunt, you up for some hand-to-hand practice?" he asked, his voice rougher than intended.
"I just ate. I'm going to take a nap," came the reply. Garrus blinked.
"...are you serious?" he asked.
"No. I'll race you to the hangar."
Garrus was already in the hallway.
*****
A couple hours later Garrus returned to the battery, more than a little sore. The physical activity though had helped him a lot. He checked his comm. No messages. He sighed.
"EDI, how long has Shepard been in her cabin?" he asked, his voice gruff. He didn't know if Shepard was aware that he sometimes checked in on her this way, but he didn't care. He utilized the privilege wisely.
"Approximately one hour and forty-two minutes," the AI informed him.
He leaned heavy on the desk and sent a comm up to Shepard's cabin.
"Shepard, you're not alone anymore. Let me know if you need anything. I'd be happy to bring you up some snacks from the mess. Just... let me know." He hoped he sounded normal. Not exhausted from worry or anxious like he felt.
There was silence long enough for him to step away from the console and collapse onto his cot, closing his eyes. He inhaled and exhaled 5 times before a reply finally came, timid and tired.
"Can you bring me some hot chocolate and one of those bran loafs?"
Garrus was up in an instant and at the comm. "Right away, Shepard."
*****
Shepard laid perpendicularly at the foot of her bed in plain gray lounge clothes. She'd been cycling for hours, over-analyzing the past, imagining the future, examining her emotions, beating them into submission, attempting to clear her mind, and starting all over again. She couldn't recall the last time she was this exhausted.
The door to her cabin opened and Garrus stepped in. He was in all black stretch clothes and not wearing his visor. She caught a glimpse of his concerned expression and looked away, down at the blanket in front of her instead. He passed by, placed the snacks on the nightstand, then sat down on the corner of the bed. For a moment, neither of them spoke.
"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Shepard," Garrus began softly. "But I'm sure you know I have to ask... are you okay?"
She didn't reply right away and soon felt Garrus brushing her hair back and gently stroking her shoulder. She relaxed slightly under his touch.
"I don't know, Garrus," she murmured. "I never knew so much could change so fast," she continued, picking up speed and volume. "And I SHOULD have known it could, I mean, I died, but I'm just one person and a LOT more is going to change and there's nothing anyone can--" she cut herself off with a frustrated groan and slammed her fist down into the bed in front of her, squeezing her eyes shut. She hated how pathetic she sounded. There was silence again but Garrus didn't stop rubbing her shoulder.
"When was the last time you ate?" Garrus asked gently, to his credit seeming unbothered.
"...I don't remember," Shepard answered honestly.
"Why don't we make that a priority then?" Garrus suggested. "You wanted hot chocolate, not warm chocolate, after all."
Shepard sighed heavily and pushed herself up. Garrus took up position reclining against the headboard and invited Shepard to sit under his arm. She obliged and he handed her the refreshments. He didn't say anything as she began to take small bites and sips, just kept his arm secure over her shoulders.
"...you smell like a krogan," Shepard mumbled, managing to bring a bit of mirth to her tone.
"Hm? Er, ah..." Garrus completely lost his composure, clearing his throat and rubbing the back of his neck. "I may have skipped a shower after a recent sparring session with Grunt. I can go change, if you'd like," he offered, glancing down at her. Shepard could tell he would rather stay.
"No, it's okay," she said, smiling a little. She loved watching him be flustered. Garrus settled back in and let her eat in silence. After she finished the bran loaf he asked, "What's the next priority for you?"
"...I need some water," she replied. "There's extra bottles in the storage under the couch."
"Coming right up."
Garrus eased himself off the bed and went to retrieve a bottle. Shepard watched him and finished her hot chocolate, setting the empty cup on her nightstand. When Garrus returned, she moved back so that they could sit on the bed across from each other.
"I don't want to tell you what happened," she said, her tone and eyes suddenly steel. For a moment Garrus appeared unsure but she pushed ahead. "I don't want to tell anyone. If I could I would stop thinking about it forever. But I need to tell you what happened. And I need to tell the rest of the crew. And pretty soon I need to tell the Alliance board, and after that the Council, and I know someday a reporter is going to get the chance to ask me about it and then I'll be telling the entire universe."
At some point during her explanation she had gotten up and started pacing at the edge of the bed. She met Garrus's eyes and realized he saw everything she had been trying to ignore. Her shaking hands, her quivering voice, her clenched jaw. His eyes showed how badly he wanted to just smooth her out with his hands but she wasn't ready for that yet, and he knew, and he was worried too.
"Will you help me figure it out?" she asked, and too much desperation seeped into her tone as she choked back emotion. Garrus caught that, too. In one smooth motion he closed the gap between them, gently placing one arm around her shoulders and the other against her face. Shepard easily curled into his chest. She always forgot how tall he was until she found herself there. After a few breaths, Garrus pulled back enough for their foreheads to rest together.
"Shepard, I know there's a lot of pressure you have that no one else on the crew has, and that is the added job of being expected to talk about what we see and go through in front of a sometimes unforgiving audience," he said softly. "But right now is not that time. Remember what you said to me before you left? Get it out of my system?"
Shepard choked out a laugh and nodded. She had never seen him so uncomposed before, and now the roles were reversed.
"This is your chance to do that. You can be sloppy, and shaky, and unrefined, and even offensive if you need to. I promise I'm a very forgiving audience." He lifted his head and smirked a little. "When you're done, then you can figure out what parts are most important for the crew to know, for the Alliance to know, for the Council to know, and for the whole universe to know."
Shepard took a deep breath and nodded. "I can do that," she said. "I can do that." She heard parts of her confidence back in her tone. She felt it, too.
"That's my girl," Garrus purred. He gave her shoulders a squeeze and stepped back, returning to the edge of the bed and taking a seat. He picked up the water bottle he'd retrieved earlier and offered it to her.
"Ready when you are, Shepard."
Shepard took the water and drank a couple big gulps before tossing it back onto the bed in front of her.
"No. No one is ready."