Work Text:
Background: Serena is 14 in her final year of Middle School. This is in her POV.
Date: 6 June AC 223 Saturday. Time: around 19.30
Question: Would you ever allow a spider live in your home?
Here... Let me answer this in many ways. NO, HELL NO, NEIN, NYET, F NO. NOT EVEN IF I WAS GOING TO BE PAID A LOT OF MONEY!!! Though honestly… Money wouldn’t be a problem… I guess that’s a perk of being from this family and the fact your father basically is in charge of the entire network security crap for ESUN.
OH! So spider crap… Yeah… No. Fucker needs to burn in flames.
The damn thing comes ANYWHERE near me... I am literally screaming to the top of my lungs and running away. Dad comes to see what is wrong... Then APPARENTLY I'M THE ASSHOLE FOR SCREAMING IN FEAR OF THE DAMN ARACHNID FROM HELL. He'll usually come running in my room asking if I'm ok... I yell "SPIDER!!!! KILL IT!!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!” Then I usually get the, what my brothers and I call "neutral face of displeasure" and Dad standing there scolding me going, "Don't scream like that, EVER! I actually thought something was wrong!"
Funny enough, this happened today. After he walked out after grabbing it and walking outside to "set it free" (Dad, I'm onto you... you set it on fire with your lighter). Hilariously enough, when he grabbed the spider to "take it outside", he had this look on his face of, "wtf is this thing?! And why is it not Winter yet? At least in Winter these bastards go and die."
I have included the wonderful text exchanges we had afterwards, because why would we do anything normal and ACTUALLY hold a conversation in our family?
Dear Daddy,
YES SOMETHING WAS WRONG!!! A VERY SCARY ARACHNID WAS SCARING YOUR SWEET INNOCENT LITTLE GIRL!!! And I was being so good and working on my homework like the good child I am. I mean come on... I'm the best child you have. So why am I in trouble for this?! Or getting scolded?!
Love,
Your favourite child. (sent 19.45, received 19.45)
THIS is what I get as a freaking response... AN HOUR LATER. - Sorry... I got bored, I wanted to add that picture. Thought it fit my mood.
Sent from: Yuy, Heero A. Received: 6 June 23 at 20.47
Dear only daughter,
As you're requesting I give you reasons why I wasn't too happy/you got, as you said "scolded", I'll provide you with the following list:
- You screamed bloody murder over a spider. By the way, that "very scary arachnid" was a NON deadly spider. It would not have killed you, it had no poison. No reason to almost cause your father to have a heart attack over a flipping spider that could have been easily taken care of by either stepping on it, or removing it from the room.
- No I will not "kill it with fire" in my own house. Setting the house on fire over a spider will do us no help. Our insurance does not cover "accidental" house fires over a teenager's fear of a harmless spider. Now arson, tried by a criminal dumb enough to attempt or actually set fire to the house owned by Heero Yuy, that may be covered. So, your request was denied as quickly as it took me to RUN TO YOUR ROOM THINKING YOU WERE HURT.
- At this point, that whole "KILL IT WITH FIRE" request knocked you down a couple pegs off of the "favourite" child thing. Your brothers are looking to be better candidates for that as they don't scream bloody murder over a non-deadly spider.
I have included some of the things I thought of when I saw your statement in your previous e-mail.
- I’m not going to play favourites just because you’re doing what you’re supposed to do (homework)
- Good job, you’re doing homework… What do you want? A damn award? A cookie?
- No I did not set it on fire with my lighter. I put it outside, where you could have put it instead of screaming bloody f’ing murder.
- I now have a scratch on my leg from your cat because your scream scared him too.
- I almost broke my laptop.
Thank you for reading my email.
Heero Yuy, Ph.D.
Director of Network Security
ESUN/Preventers Western NY Office
Rochester, NY
I just remember sitting there reading his e-mail and then see that he just left his official signature in it. Wondering, why the heck does he have his work title in his PERSONAL E-MAIL?! Then I remember when we get e-mails from him, he usually just removes his signature since we really don't need to question who sent it when the sent by reads: Yuy, Heero A.
Welp... Time to send my "oh so loving father" some IMs.
Me: REALLY?! An hour to type THAT?! OH and what is it with those 2 male morons getting pushed up to favourite?! I DO MY HOMEWORK.
Dad: Per my email,
Just because you're doing your homework doesn't give you special treatment. You're just doing what's expected. Also, you screamed bloody murder over a spider and requested I set my house on fire.
Me: You do realize "per my email" makes you sound like an asshole going, "Bitch, can you read?" Here's proof if you needed evidence of my claim:
Dad: You do realize I actually have to type that EVERY DAY. Oh and that’s pretty much what I was saying. Without actually saying, “bitch can you read?”
Me: SO!? I'm not one of your subordinates... I AM YOUR PRECIOUS INNOCENT CHILD.
Dad: So? My subordinates don't scream bloody murder almost causing me a heart attack over something that won't kill them.
Me: You're healthy. You'll be fine. But back to before...
Dad: Do your homework.
Me: I finished it WHILE YOU TOOK AN HOUR TO TYPE YOUR RESPONSE.
Dad: Perfect. I'm sure we can find something for you to do.
Me: UGH NOT THIS AGAIN.
Dad: What?! Much better than the possibility of you setting the dammed house on fire just because you saw a spider.
Me: Says the man who hates spiders as much as me.
Dad: In my defense child. I grew up on a dammed space colony. NO SPIDERS. Did not see my first one till I was 15 in that dammed war. Oh, and good thing I was home. Below is what I probably would have come home to:
Me: Where the hell do you think I get it from?! YOU’RE NOT ANY BETTER YOU DAMN PYRO.
Dad: Hey, genetics. They’re a bitch right?
Me: … I just broke another damn brush. TAKE YOUR GENETICS AND SHOVE IT.
Dad: Could be worse. Could look like your mother. [1]
Me: True.
Dad: Hey, you got my eyes. That’s a perk I guess.
Me: And your damn hair. Colour- great. Thickness- DEAR GOD WHY?! But hey! I have your personality.
Dad: Don’t remind me. Please… Don’t. Arguing with you is like hitting a damn brick wall because it’s like arguing with myself!
Me: HA! Oh and by the way. Remember for your 40th a couple years ago, we asked you what you wanted for your birthday?
Dad: Yes. Why?
Me: You said, and I quote: “A damn award for having to put up with your shit every day”
Dad: And? Your point?
Me: Here’s your award, sorry it’s about 3 and a half years late
Dad: … by the way. Your claim to be "precious and innocent" is a bit of a stretch of your imagination.
Me: I hate you.
Dad: Love you too...