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It was probably inevitable. If nothing else, Gran had felt a peculiar sense of foreboding when Sierokarte had handed over the box for delivery. Sonething like: Oh, this is going to end badly.
So Gran hadn't been entirely surprised when things had, indeed, gone badly. That didn't mean that he was resigned to 10,000 madly chirping crickets running loose on the Grancypher.
"You know," said Rackam, pensively. "She's a big ship."
"Yes, Rackam," said Gran, in agony.
"And yet, there's somehow nowhere on board ship that's free of this noise. Kinda funny."
"I'm sorry, Rackam," Gran said, in despair. "I really don't know how it happened. The box was supposed to be sealed tight, I have no idea how they got loose."
Rackam relented. "I know, I'm not blaming you. The box must have gotten jarred in the latest monster wave. Let's just fix this as fast as we can."
"Let's ask everyone for help," suggested Lyria. "If we put up a poster, people will know what to do when they see a cricket." She carefully tore a page out of her notebook and handed it and a marker to Gran.
Gran wrote: Please help! Cricket Capture Competition
Whoever catches the most crickets wins a prize!
Rules: No weapons, explosions, magic, fire, etc
Crickets must be returned ALIVE in ORIGINAL CONDITION to client and not killed and/or eaten and/or cooked and/or transmogrified or otherwise modified. Points will be docked for injuries to fellow crew/damage to the Grancypher/harm to crickets. SAFETY FIRST!
Prize information:
Gran paused, at a loss.
"You could write TBA?" suggested Vyrn.
"I feel like that's just putting off the decision..."
"A restaurant voucher?" offered Lyria.
"We do gourmet nights every week as it is.."
"People might help just because of the excitement," said Vyrn. "I hope so anyway. We need to catch them before they eat my apples!"
"Pardon me," said Rackam, gesturing to the marker. Gran handed it over.
Rackam wrote: Winner gets a full day with Captain all to themselves. Then below that, in smaller print: "Note: 'All to themselves' includes Lyria and Vyrn"
Rackam replaced the cap on the marker.
"Er," said Gran.
"Is that a problem?" asked Rackam. "You like hanging with the crew, right?"
"I do," said Gran helplessly. "But I don't think that's really enough."
"Trust me," said Rackam. "I want these damn bugs off my ship as soon as possible. This will get people motivated."
"If you say so," said Gran, dubiously, but Lyria said, "Mmmm, yes, I think I'm getting motivated!"
Gran smiled at her and then rolled up his sleeves. "Alright, everybody, let's go cricket hunting."
"Are you participating?" said Rackam in surprise. "What'll you do if you win?"
Gran shrugged in embarrassment. "I'm the Captain, it's my responsibility if a job goes wrong. And I don't feel comfortable leaving everyone else with all the work."
"Also you hate losing," Vyrn put in.
"That too."
Lyria giggled softly, then raised her fist in the air. "Let's see how many crickets we can catch!"
"Yeah!" cheered Gran and Vyrn.
Rackam watched them go, half-smile playing across his face. Then something chirped behind him, and he put his head, very briefly, in his hands.
****
Cagliostro said, "If this stupidity doesn't end right now, I'm feeding everyone on board ship to Ouroboros, and then I'm blowing it up, got it?"
Deliford said wearily, "If I didn't suspect that that would end with the crickets alive and the venerable alchemist in the Crimson Horizon, I would be tempted to vote for that option."
"Are you sure I can't just KABOOOM the lot of them?" asked Clarice.
****
"I like beetles," said Chat Noir. The master thief's face looked pained. "If I had the freedom to do so, I would devote my life to their study. They are fascinating. They are also not related to crickets, except for some species which maintain a predator-prey relationship-"
"Yes," said Gran, patiently, "But I was hoping you knew some tactics that could also work for crickets. Like catching them. Specifically."
Chat Noir sighed and then said, magnanimously, "As a magician, I can certainly perform such minor trickery as causing some few insects to vanish-"
"Um," said Vyrn, "We need them to not vanish, or we can't give them to the client."
Chat Noir waved his hand in the air dismissively, then twirled the wand that had suddenly appeared in his fingers and vanished.
"I guess that means he's helping...?" said Lyria, doubtfully.
"It's hard to tell what he's thinking," Vyrn agreed.
"Captain!" hissed a voice from around the corner. Gran turned. "Sarya? Were you hiding?"
"Yes, well, no, I wasn't eavesdropping... But anyway, Captain! I found out how the insects escaped!"
Gran's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"
Sarya nodded vigorously. "The package looked like it was tightly sealed, but there were actually incisions in the box. It could have opened at any time."
"Who could have done such a thing?" asked Lyria, distressed. "I'm sure the client is waiting for his crickets, and I'm sure the crickets are nervous being lost..."
Gran carefully did not say that the crickets sounded perfectly happy where they were. He caught Sarya's gaze and nodded.
"Thank you, Detective. I'll keep it in mind."
"Oh, I'm not a detective," Sarya demurred. "I can't lift nearly enough weights... Anyway, good luck!"
****
Dorothy and Claudia stood, motionless, in the hall. Jamil stood at the other end. In the middle, innocent of the killing instinct in the air, sat a cricket.
"Jamil," said Claudia. "You are an excellent bodyguard. I do not wish to harm you. But you are standing in the way of my full-day date with Lady Lyria."
"And mine with Gran," put in Dorothy. "So leave this cricket to us, please?"
"I do not understand," said Jamil, after a pause. "But this mission was granted to me by my masters. I will not fail." He lifted his daggers. Dorothy and Claudia readied their weapons - a vacuum cleaner and a broom, respectively.
The cricket chirped. The warriors charged. The battle had begun.
****
Some time later Gran was running down the hallway with a broom when, in a swirl of golden light, Sandalphon manifested in the airship's corridor, looking disgruntled.
"Singularity. What is all this." The Supreme Primarch looked around, presumably at a loss for words.
"Hullabaloo? Havoc?" offered Gran. "Chaos?" suggested Vyrn. "Excitement?" put in Lyria.
"Noise," said Sandalphon.
Gran explained.
After a few seconds, the Supreme Primarch vanished, presumably in disgust. Which was reasonable. Sandalphon had a lot to do and chasing bugs wasn't in his job description. Gran had not expected him to participate.
He was therefore legitimately surprised when Sandalphon reappeared suddenly. "Singularity!"
Gran blinked. "Yes?"
"These insects had better not get into my coffee beans!" said Sandalphon, in outrage, and set off, apparently to protect the sanctity of his coffee beans.
****
"I like peace and quiet," said Eustace. The agent was expressionless as always, but Gran knew him well enough to tell that the other man was wincing.
"I know, Eustace, I'm sorry."
"This is not peaceful. Or quiet."
Lyria said, imploringly, "I think it should be over soon. People are helping out a lot."
"Understood," said Eustace. He looked at the poster. "There is a reward for this mission?"
Gran said sheepishly, "It's not much, I know-"
"No," said Eustace. "It will suffice."
"Wha?" said Vyrn.
"Mission accepted," said Eustace, and strode off along the corridor.
****
Feather had heard the word "competition" and taken off running.
"You knucklehead!" howled Randall, from behind. "We're supposed to catch the crickets! Not fight them!"
"I'll catch them with my FISTS!"
"You'll kill them, you idiot! Stop thinking you can use your fists to solve everything!"
"Why? I bet you're going to try to catch the crickets with your kicks!"
"Are you stupid?!"
"Randall," said Feather, in shock. "Are you abandoning your fighting style? That's not the rival I know!"
"Of course I'm not abandoning my kicks, you absolute nincompoop!"
Feather grinned. "Right! So let's see if my fists or your kicks can catch more crickets!"
"That's not how it works but fine! You're on!"
****
Hallessena squatted down and watched Nicholas. Unlike most people, Nicholas had neither run towards the crickets nor run screaming. Instead he had gone to his mini-lab (it didn't compare to Professor Rashomon's, but Nicholas was incapable of not tinkering with something, so labs tended to appear wherever he did.) The engineer was cheerfully putting together a metal box, carefully insulated.
"A cricket counting machine?" Hallessena guessed. Even if they caught all the bugs they could see, there was no way of knowing whether they hadn't missed any.
"Yep! Wanna help me build it?" Nicholas was beaming. "Or would you rather join the hunt? Either's good."
Since meeting the Captain, Hallessena saw a lot more smiling people than ever before. But it was still nice.
She scooted over. "Let's make such a crazy lovely machine we get all the points!"
"Haha, let's do it!"
****
"Captain," said Pavidus awkwardly.
Gran winced inwardly but turned to smile at the shy youth. "Yes, Pavidus?"
"Are you sure the client... I mean... Does he really need all those crickets?"
Gran managed to avoid sighing (Pavidus was very sensitive and Gran tried to make a special effort not to cause him stress) and explained, "The client paid for 10,000 crickets exactly. If he doesn't get what he ordered, he might be upset with Sierokarte, and I don't want to cause her trouble. I owe her a lot."
Pavidus drooped. "I see."
Gran opened his mouth to say something when the giant turtle behind the older youth suddenly rammed into his knees. Pavidus nearly buckled. Vyrn almost fell out of the air. Lyria squeaked.
The turtle said, [Impudent youth! We can catch our own prey! We have no need for these insects!]
"I wonder what he's saying," whispered Gran to Lyria and Vyrn.
Vyrn scrunched up his nose. "I don't speak turtle..."
****
"Captain," said Cassius. He was gazing, seemingly absent-mindedly, at Yaia and Sara who had teamed up, with Siegfried's supervision, and were quietly yet diligently catching crickets and putting them in glass jars. Gran noticed that they were racking up higher counts then some other people who were making five times as much noise. Although having Siegfried with them certainly couldn't hurt.
"Yes, Cassius?"
"Are crickets edible?"
Gran choked. "I have no idea!"
Cassius quirked an eyebrow. "Then why did the mission instructions say not to cook them? That seems illogical."
"In case you didn't notice," said Vyrn, "There are lots of illogical people on this ship."
"There are also people with pets and animal friends," said Lyria. "Like Jasmine, for instance."
"So they can be a food source, but reserved for animals," Cassius concluded.
Siegfried lifted himself up effortlessly from where he had been sitting with Yaia and Sara and walked over.
"You are correct," he told Cassius. "Although some varieties are considered delicacies, and in the wild they can be an excellent source of protein."
"Er," said Lyria.
"I think I'll stick with apples, thank you," said Vyrn.
In the background, Beatrix could be heard shouting, "Sword of Embrasque! Eat these bugs' karma!!"
A breath later, what sounded like crashing noises were heard. Sara frowned. Yaia patted her hand comfortingly. "It's okay, Sara! Yaia will hold your hand."
Gran groaned and went to go see what the emergency was, followed faithfully by Vyrn and Lyria.
Cassius watched him go and then said, to no one in particular, "... Illogical. And somehow, fascinating."
****
Sierokarte smiled at Gran. "Thank you, the client was very satisfied. I hope it was not too difficult? Ufufu."
"No comment," said Gran. He hesitated, then said, "Um, the supplier..."
Siero nodded. "Yes, it seems he was frustrated with the recent expansion of the Knicknack Shack, and was concerned that our quality was declining due to the increased volume. He was very impressed that you delivered the package successfully. He was also very interested in the new box design."
So it was a trap, thought Gran, but he chose not to raise the issue. Instead he said, "I'll tell Nicholas and Halle. I think they had fun designing something that's not a weapon for a change."
Siero dimpled. "Does this mean I can give you more orders like this?"
"Sorry," said Gran, "I'd rather Shao didn't run out of headache medication. Again."