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Sebastian was sure that he was close to losing his sanity, it wouldn`t take a lot now and he would crumble like a house of cards in the wind. He was alone. He was so utterly alone. There was no place in this world able to hold him anymore. He had hurt Blaine, he had hurt Blaine so bad that he had needed surgery, and now nobody was talking to him anymore.
Everyone looked at him with those judging dark eyes, and the Warblers ignored him, didn`t acknowledge his presence at all, and maybe he should have been glad for this, at least they hadn`t already killed him for what he had done.To Blaine. To them. He was so washed away with guilt, he hated himself, he just wanted to disappear, he begged to the world around him, as he stared at himself in the mirror. Clad in the lacrosse sweatshirt and jogging pants, the thick embroided Dalton monogram staring back him, laughing at him, cruel and mocking, daring him to be proud of himself again, daring him to feel anything better than miserable.
Sebastian had never felt this horrible, had never felt this much pain in his body and soul, his heart, probably pitch black by now, ached with remorse and regret, all he wanted was to turn back time.
A knock sounded at the door and he flinched, ready to face whatever punishment they had come up with, probably throwing him out of the Warblers, and the lacrosse team, hell, at this point he could even understand if they got him expelled. He just wanted to die, because maybe then he wouldn`t feel the pain anymore, no fire to rip him apart from inside. He hadn`t slept for three days, preceded by three nights of barely sleeping through one hour without waking up from vivid terrible nightmares, where Blaines blood was running through his hands, staining the ground around him.
He looked at himself in the mirror again, his face sickingly pale by now, he hadn`t left his room at all in the last days, just to get something to eat and to attend his classes, his eyes were glassy, rimmed red and with dark bags under them. His hands were shaking as he smoothed his hair down, the little he had eaten hadn`t helped his system at all.
"It`s open." He called out, his voice cracking up, because he hadn`t used it in the last three days. The door creaked open and Sebastian looked in the reflection of the mirror to see who it was, his eyes spotted Rob leaning casually in the doorframe, his own lacrosse sweatshirt open and revealing a dark blue Dalton shirt, his black pants were crinkled, and he was only wearing socks. So they had sent him to do the double work, kick him out of both clubs with one blow, seemed like mercy to him, but Rob didn`t yell at him, didn`t glare him down with those hatred filled eyes.
His brown eyes just looked at him, full of emotions Sebastian couldn`t decipher, because he was just so damn tired. And then he walked inside, while Sebastian was still frozen by the mirror, unable to say anything, or move at all. Rob closed the door behind him and pulled something out of the pocket of his pants, only when he threw it at Sebastian, and he only caught them because of his reflexes, did he recognize it as a deck of cards.
The newly appointed acting head of the Warblers walked over to his bed and with a great sigh, he sat down on his bed, leaning back against the wall. Rob hadn't slept or spend any time in his half of the room since the slushie incident, preferring to camp out with Nick and Jeff.
"Channel six. The Yankees are playing..." Rob called out, grabbing the five papers of Sebastian's math homework from the pillow next to him and reading over it. Sebastian could only stare at him, debating whether or not he had finally cracked and started imagining things, "I missed you at practice today. They all suck if they don`t have the motivation to be better than you."
Rob chuckled and looked up from the papers, catching his eyes as Sebastian slowly turned around, still not saying anything, "Sebastian? TV, Yankees, game?" And then it was so real, Rob was sitting there, there, right on his bed and he was talking with Sebastian, talking with him as if he was a real human being with feelings, and not some monster. And with befuddlement written all over him, he stumbled to the TV in the corner of his room and switched on to Channel six.
"Yes, that`s better." Rob admitted and then got up, crossed the room and flopped down on Sebastian's bed, patted the place next to him. Sebastian walked towards him and sat down on autopilot, completely unable to comprehend, the cards were still clutched tightly in his hands, proving to him that he wasn`t seeing things.
"So, either we`re playing, or we`re working over this again." Rob said, nodding to the maths equations in his hands, "Because this is nonsense, and I`m pretty sure that there is still some work left to do for you." Sebastian nodded, "You can speak, right?"
"What are you doing here?" It rushed from him, and Sebastian frowned when Rob smiled at him, those warm brown eyes almost glowing.
"I`m here to pick up the pieces and patch them back together. You need a friend, Sebastian, someone to help you make right what you messed up. And now, come on. This isn`t so hard when you concentrate." Rob offered and Sebastian could only nod, too shocked.
And while the Yankees aced their first inning, Rob helped him correct all the mistakes he had made, because the letters had all blurred together in his head, suddenly math seemed easy again. Chemistry followed suit and they were halfway through a table of history dates for the second world war, when Sebastian felt the pain shooting through his head again. The pen jumped from his hand as he pulled it up and pressed his fingers against his temple.
"Sebastian, you`re okay?" And Rob's worry, his real meant worry let him find the strength to stop acting like he was invincible. Shaking his head, Sebastian pulled his other hand up, too, as the pain wouldn`t go away. He was used to headaches by now, the only thing that let him realize he was still alive.
"No, I´m not." He croaked out, feeling the mattress move as Rob took his book and paper and placed it on the ground, and then a warm hand touched his shoulder. And oh god, it was so friendly, such a brotherly gesture that Sebastian could feel tears prickling in his eyes, he wasn`t worth this. He wanted to pull away, to run away, because he hadn`t earned pity, he was the monster, but Rob's hands snapped up and held onto both his shoulders, as he tried to turn away from him.
"Seb." The nickname, the three latters that had annoyed the hell out of him after Nick had come up with it, because Sebastian just sounded so long. Nobody had used it in weeks, since the moment he became the biggest jerk on the planet, "Come one, look at me." Rob pried his hands away from his face, revealing his tear stained cheeks, "You`re not alone in this, no matter what you think, and I should have come here sooner."
And the sobs racked through his body as Rob pulled him towards him, against his chest, and he laid his head against the other boy's shoulder and cried, cried for the first time in five years.
Sebastian didn´t know how it happened, but when his head started to register things again that weren`t solely the pain in his heart, he found himself laying on his bed, tugged into the blanket and Rob passed out beside him. The world was pitch black behind the curtains, the TV was switched off and only the small lamp on his desk spent some light, revealing finished history and english homework on the chair.
He shivered with no idea to its origin, he just felt drained of any energy, he sat up slowly, pulling his knees up and pressing his forehead against them. He couldn`t make sense of anything anymore, he had been relying on himself alone for so long, he didn`t know what it meant to have friends anymore. He didn`t know how it felt to have someone taking care of you. The dull pain in his head made itself present again and he groaned out, willing it to get away, but only making it worse.
"Seb?" Rob's sleep coated voice called out to him, but Sebastian was too preoccupied breathing through the pain threatening to tear his skull apart that he couldn`t answer. He felt Rob standing up, heard him shuffling around somewhere by the desk and then he returned, sitting down next to him, the next thing he felt was an arm pulling him upright again and then a glass with cold water was pressed against his shaking hand, "Drink." Rob ordered and without complaint Sebastian followed suit, tasting the Aspirin. When he was done, Rob took the glance from him again and pushed him back so he would lay down.
"I`m so fucked up." Sebastian whispered into the room, as Rob placed the glass back on his desk, switched off the light and returned to the bed, now the room was basked in the dim moonlight coming through the curtains. The dark haired Warbler placed a bottle of fresh water next to the bed, before slipping under the blanket again, as if it was the most natural thing. He placed an arm around him and Sebastian found himself searching the comfort.
"No, you`re not. You made mistakes, but you`re only human. We will get this right again. You're not alone, you hear me, Seb? No one is kicking you out of anything. On Monday, you'll go and apologize. To the Warblers, to the team, and then we'll move on. We got your back, Seb, because in the end, we're not the ones who turned this into a war. And neither are you." Rob sighed and knocked his shoulder against Sebastian's, "If you give Nick some time to cool down again, he'll forgive you as well. Jeff, Skylar and me, we never left your side, and neither did any of the other boys."
"Thad and David..."
"Thad has been on your fucking side in this whole thing right from the start, we both know that. He hates Hummel for what that boy has done. Thad sent me here to make sure you are alright, and David...he's protective of Blaine." Rob said and regretted it a little bit when Sebastian flinched, "He has always been protective of Blaine, but he as well knows that this was an accident and that you didn't mean to hurt Blaine."
"Of course not." Sebastian whispered, he was so tired but his head just wouldn't shut up, too many thoughts at once now. "I never intended for anyone to get hurt, not like this. I wanted Hummel's ego to finally take the blow it deserves. I wanted to rile him up so he would finally show his ugly face and have Blai...Blaine realize that he is living a lie."
"And we all supported you, don't forget that, Seb. We all stood behind you, we all were in on the plan." Rob reminded him and Sebastian sighed.
"Not in on the rock salt." He admitted quietly and Rob huffed, squeezing Sebastian's shoulder with a comforting hand just as it knocked on the door.
"Come in?" Rob called out while Sebastian rolled onto his other side and pulled the blanket over his head, there were only two other people in this school right now that he could live with seeing him like this, and he couldn't be sure he would be knocking on their damn door in the middle of the fucking night.
"Can I come in?" A familiar and not too unwelcome voice asked after the door had been opened a bit, Rob made a gesture or nodded, but someone stepped into the room and closed the door behind themselves while Sebastian sulked under the darkness of his blanket. "I heard you two talking when I came back from the library. How are you doing, Seb?"
"Just peachy, Thad." Sebastian grumbled under his blanket and felt Rob sitting up first and then leaving his bed entirely, only for the mattress to dip down again in the next second and strong hands ripping his blanket off from him.
"Just peachy, he growled like grumpy cat himself. Sit up, Seb, if you're awake we are talking." And under Thad's team captain voice, Sebastian groaned but still rolled himself onto his back and sat up, pulling his knees to his chest and glaring at Thad.
Thad who until now had been thought of as his best friend by Sebastian. He hadn't connected with anyone this well, except maybe for B...Blaine. Great, now even his mind couldn't help but painfully stutter when it came to him. Rob, that had come later, tense terrible weeks in the beginning until they had had two huge fights that had gotten rather physical, that had been the turning point, now things were better.
But Sebastian just couldn't be sure of still having that support. Maybe from Rob, Rob who had never liked Hummel, who had never been that close to Bla...oh goddammit.. Blaine.
But Thad?
Thad who saw Blaine as a little brother? Thad who despite that he hated Kurt and had right from the start called him the traitor who would take Blaine from them and had been freaking right even, Thad still had to be angry and furious that because of Sebastian's actions, Blaine had gotten hurt.
Hurt so bad that he needed surgery.
Eye surgery.
What if he would not get out of that one all fine? What if he could truly lose his eyesight? What if Blaine...
"Woah!" Sebastian heard Thad yell and found himself face to face with him in the next second, Thad kneeling on his bed, hands curled around his face, "Seb, snap out of it, breathe!" And only those words let him get aware of his too fast breaths and with painful effort he managed to calm down again, focusing on the raw worry in Thad's eyes. "Okay, there we go again. Now lay back down and stay with us."
Sebastian dropped back down into the pillows and scowled when Thad didn't let go of his blanket, didn't let him hide away again.
It knocked again at the door and Sebastian was really close to throwing something or snarling something unpleasant, wasn't he even allowed to wallow in his own misery in peace? Rob grunted unhappily as well and leaving Thad to still lean over Sebastian, he stood up from where he had sat down on his own bed again and walked over to the door. Opening it just a split, he made some kind of small sound that Sebastian couldn't read into.
"We were too loud, huh?" Rob asked and a very quiet and very sleepy sounding voice gave a short agreeing mumble. Another time of closing a door later, Sebastian glanced past Thad and caught sight of a sleep rumpled Skylar rubbing his left eye.
"Is everything okay?" He wanted to know and looked from one boy to the next, settling on Sebastian last with those big round hazel eyes.
"We're getting there." Thad spoke up and stood up again, walking over to flop down on Rob's bed, leaving just enough space to have Rob sit down too. Skylar remained awkwardly standing in the middle of the room for a moment but then pulled up the blanket at the foot of Sebastian's bed and slipped under it, making his best impression of a cat as he curled up against Sebastian's feet, only his head sticking out. Sebastian didn't even try and make sense of the situation taking place around him right now, just reached up, pulled out a pillow from under his head and threw it in Skylar's face.
The freshman rolled his eyes but gratefully pushed the pillow behind his head.
"He's just being stubborn." Rob went on, "Doesn't want to see that no one is going to throw him off a cliff anytime soon."
"People are angry at me." Sebastian painted the picture for them again and Thad thumped his head against the wall behind him.
"Okay, let's go over this again, because thought I'm pretty sure Rob already told you this, it apparently didn't stick. Yes, people are angry at you. People like the fucking New Directions, who frankly can go and kiss my ass with their stupid attitude. They took Blaine from us, they watched on while he was turned into an obedient little puppy who only asks how much higher still when they ask him to jump. They watched on while he stopped being Blaine and turned into Hummel's pet toy. They took him from us, they have no room to be angry that we wanted him to come back. To come home."
And boy, was there still fire left in Thad.
"And Kurt? We're not talking about him, we're not even going to mention his name from here on on. You will find no one in this place who will still talk nicely about that boy, Seb. No one. Not David. Not Jeff. And quite certainly not Nick. Is anyone here angry at you? No." Thad made his point clear by slapping a hand against his thigh.
"Nick..."
"Nick is NOT angry at you, for heaven's sake, Sebastian." Thad interrupted him directly, "Open those eyes and listen to his angry shouting. You're a smart cookie, Seb, but right now you are acting really stupid. Nick is angry at the New Directions. Nick is angry at Kurt. Hell, Nick is even angry at Blaine. So is David, because no one in this whole fucking world ever thought that we might be hurt by Kurt's decision to stab us in the back." Thad was ranting and Sebastian stared at him.
"But...Nick wouldn't look at me...he leaves the room when I enter...David can't even look me in the face..." Sebastian tried but Thad waved him off and god, it almost had him smile because Thad knew how much he hated it.
"David is only focused on Blaine right now, which is freaking difficult because no one is telling any of us anything. Not even Wes knows how Blaine is doing. He is worried, he doesn't answer my questions half of the time either because his mind is so far away. And Nick? Come on, Seb." And that long suffering use of his nickname had Sebastian sitting up again.
"Nick and you are friends. Are, you hear me, right? Are friends. And the last thing Nick wants is to cause you even more stress by drawing you into his angry bubble as well, it's bad enough for him that Jeff keeps on having to listen to his furious rambling. Once a Warbler..."
"Always a Warbler." Skylar and Rob echoed Thad's words with smiles on their faces and Sebastian couldn't help but let his lips flicker up into a smirk too.
"You are one of us, Seb. You didn't betray the Warblers, it was he-who-shall-not-be-named-in-my-presence-anymore. It was Blaine who chose to pull us close in one second and then push us away again in the next. What happened was an accident, so sit up Smythe, raise that chin up and straighten your freaking spine. And get it into your thick skull that you have brothers at your back now who will fight for you and defend you. No one here will turn away from you just because of one mistake. And stop slouching, I need you at your best next week. We're playing for the fucking championship, you idiot."
Sebastian glared and quickly had a pillow in his hand, pulling back to get a better angle. Rob's spluttered complaint over 'Don't you dare' came too late because the pillow had already slammed into Thad's way too serious face. And the revenge was really sweet when Thad growled and lunged up from the bed and over the distance of the beds.
"You're gonna regret that, Smythe." Thad yelled and had the pillow raised to get payback but before he could even make another step towards Sebastian, something small and blue came flying towards him with a battlecry and Skylar's pillow hit Thad right in the chest. And as Sebastian flung himself into the fray with two new pillows to defend his little friend, they were all already laughing.
Even Rob, facepalming in the middle of his bed.
Half an hour later and one ripped pillow exploding into hundreds of feathers right into Rob's face later, they were all more or less too exhausted to move anymore. Stomachs hurting from too much laughter, draped all over each other on Sebastian's bed, watching a movie, Skylar was even still sometimes bursting into quiet giggles.
It wouldn't just slip away, the blame, the guilt on his conscience, not for a while, but it would grow smaller. Sebastian would see his brothers standing by him, standing up for him, and this night was only the beginning of a promise he made to himself as he nodded off against Thad's shoulder in the middle of the fourth Harry Potter movie.
He would change.
He would stop hiding behind walls and angry snarking. He would stop hiding behind flirting and evil tricks.
He would show these boys who he really was on the inside, because he trusted them, because they were his brothers. And brothers didn't leave each other alone when times got dark.
Once a Warbler, always a Warbler, now he believed in it, too.