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It started with emptiness.
Once Dan’s fears had been confirmed, he felt nothing. He scrambled his brain for something, anything, to fill the void inside. Some inner comfort. A distraction. An assurance that he had a support system and that whatever happened, he’d have them to fall back on.
But there was nothing of the sort to pull him away from shock. He had waited for a long time to find out whether his efforts had been worth it. He had imagined the worst possible outcome, countless times. This was the worst possible outcome, but his reaction was nothing like what he had imagined.
His exam results had proven it. He wasn’t going to be accepted back to the Law programme. He had fucked himself over. Mistake after mistake had been made, and he was receiving the punishment that he deserved. And yet, all it prompted was a dreadful nothingness that Dan had no idea how to get out of.
Dan ended up slumped by his desk. Nothing on his computer caught his attention. He clicked out of every tab on the browser individually until the window closed, and he sat back.
Dan got up after ten minutes of staring at the wall. He needed to do something. He couldn’t just sit here and wait for a reaction to come.
He decided to go outside. He had to shop for some groceries anyway. With a large parkas over his shoulders and beanie on his head he braved the cold of early January.
He found himself walking without thinking, as if on auto pilot. Once at the shops he got the usual stuff. Cereal, body wash, toilet paper, some snacks. Right as he was about to go stand in the queue two people with a huge shopping cart, filled to the brim, placed themselves in line in front of him. No other cash was open.
Dan felt his jaw clench and his fists tighten. He stomped forward and put his small basket down beside himself as he waited for them to put their ridiculous amount of stuff up for pay.
The anger stayed with Dan all the way back home. Normally he would’ve forgotten about it the moment he left the shop, but today wasn’t normal. Once he was back home he put the groceries in the fridge and cupboard and ended up stood by the kitchen island. That window of rage had been opened and it was his only source of energy at this time.
He stared down at the table and tried to manage his breathing. He just wanted to hit something. He wanted to get some of that energy out, in any possible way, but at the same time he just wanted to ignore everything.
He couldn’t. The only alternative was emptiness, and he feared that more than the outcomes his anger could have. He was sick of this. He was sick of managing every one of his emotions as if he was trying to keep a toddler from throwing a tantrum. He wasn’t a fucking toddler. He was a grown man, and he had every right to act on his impulses.
He ended up slamming his fist on the table with a yell of frustration.
At that, Phil came rushing into the kitchen.
“Dan!” He said.
He sounded scared.
“What happened? Are you hurt?”
Dan looked back at Phil for only a moment before it became too much. His eyes saw too much. Voice coated with genuine concern, eyes lined with worry. Dan’s anger was going to turn into sadness if he didn’t force his eyes to stare down at his own trembling hands on top of the counter.
“I’m fine,” Dan gritted out. “I’m just bloody sick of the stupid fucking grocery shop that never has more than one cash open so you have to wait for two bloody hours to pay for five fucking items.”
Phil took a couple steps closer. Dan didn’t move a muscle.
“What are you talking about?” Phil asked.
No laughs. Sometimes laughing at Dan’s misdirected anger was good, but today was not the time for it. Dan was glad Phil knew him well enough to know that. At the same time, he felt the need to direct his anger at someone, anyone, other than himself. Phil’s calming tone and carefully chosen words made Dan feel pathetic.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” he asked quietly, a hesitant hand landing on Dan’s tense shoulder.
Dan flinched. He glanced back. Phil was still so calm. A serious expression on his face, he kept the hand on Dan’s shoulder despite his physical reaction.
“‘M fine,” Dan said. “In a mood.”
Some logical part of his mind convinced him that yelling at Phil of all people at this current moment was not going to turn out well. He couldn’t help but reason with himself, the toddler. Couldn’t help but reel back the worst of it in fear of losing the one good thing he had right now.
“I want to be alone,” Dan said, voice getting louder, more urgent.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to keep restraining himself.
He was the angry one. The open book. Even if he kept his mouth shut, his emotional state could affect the feel of an entire room of people. His mind was too loud.
“That’s fine,” Phil said.
His hand went down to rub between Dan’s shoulder blades. So understanding. Always talking to Dan as if he could read his mind.
“You really don’t want to be around me right now, Phil.”
Phil shook his head.
“Look at me.”
Dan turned. It felt good to have an objective, even if it was as small as that one. He stared into Phil’s eyes and felt every uncomfortable emotion start to surface at rapid speed.
“You don’t have to be alone,” Phil said.
Dan huffed. It was starting to hurt. He could physically feel the change from rage to miserable hopelessness.
“Emotions don’t scare me,” Phil said. “You know that. I’m not your parents.”
That was it, wasn’t it? Dan was expecting Phil’s reaction to be the same as theirs. He did that every time an uncomfortable moment arose. Every time an unwanted emotion bubbled up in him, unprompted, and ruined any moment. But Phil had never reacted like them. Phil had never raised his voice, or told him to go away if he was going to be a bother.
“I don’t deserve you,” Dan managed between his teeth.
He wanted to hold on to rage. It was much better than what this silent realisation was putting forth. His shoulders began to shake.
“Hey, hey, calm down,” Phil soothed, taking another step towards him and wrapped his arm fully around Dan’s shoulders. “I’m here now. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
Dan buried his face in the crook of Phil’s neck automatically. Phil’s fingers carded through Dan’s hair and he rested his chin on top of his head. Strong, warm, solid. The only healthy thing Dan had to hold on to right now.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked.
Dan shook his head. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist as he tried to manage his breathing. He was going to cry otherwise. Phil would say it was okay to cry, but Dan really, really didn’t want to.
“I’m here,” Phil whispered against Dan’s hair.
Dan sighed. His muscles were still tense but they were on their way to relax. His brain was flitting to the catalyst for this situation. The one that had shocked the mind out of him. The one that had caused the unnecessary rage. The one that ended up in trying not to cry on Phil’s shoulder.
He was going to tell Phil eventually. Phil would assure him that everything was going to be okay.
For now, all Dan wanted to do was to stay in these arms until he felt brave enough to.