Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

---tentacleTherapist began pestering turntechGodhead---

TG: dont tell me

TG: the date with kanaya went so well that now yall are getting forest married in the manner of the moths or some shit

TG: well as much as id love to be your best man youll have to ask jade because im not about to get mud on my good suit

TG: also not carrying a seven foot tall moth woman on a chair

TT: I’m not getting married to Kanaya, Dave. It’s only our fourth date.

TT: But it’s quite bold of you to assume I’d ask you to be my best man.

TT: Kanaya and I found something rather interesting at an abandoned campsite, and I’m enlisting the help of our fellow Cryptobusters to investigate.

TT: Have a look.

---tentacleTherapist sent a picture---

TG: what the fuck is that

TG: it looks like you slapped a knockoff voldemort mask on a toddler sized caterpillar

TT: That’s no way to speak of your niece.

TG: WHAT

TG: if that thing is your actual biological child that you somehow created with kanaya im gonna yarf right here and now

TT: Relax, Dave. It’s not my biological offspring.

TT: That statement was a thing we like to call a “joke.”

TG: then what the fuck is it

TT: We’re not sure. My current theory is that it’s the larval form of Kanaya’s species, or something similarly related.

TT: Either way, we couldn’t just leave it out in the cold. So we’re taking care of it for the time being.

TG: so

TG: the mood for this event is less baby shower and more incredible scientific breakthrough that has cryptozoologists across the country shitting their collective pants with glee

TT: Correct.

TT: Would you like to come see it?

TG: not really

TT: That’s the spirit.

TT: Kanaya and I need a second opinion on possible names.

TT: Bring Jade and John as well.

Chapter Text

[A piece of video from Jade’s camera. She, Dave, and John are hiking along a section of abandoned road in the Monongahela National Forest, the same route they took in the Mothman episode of Cryptobusters to find Kanaya’s cabin. The sky above is cold and stark white, the ground beneath their feet covered with a fine layer of frost.]

JOHN: remind me again why you’re recording?

JADE: this is a monumental discovery in cryptozoology, john! we have to document as much of it as we can!!!

JADE: i know that we didn’t have time to get camera-ready like we do in normal episodes, but looks have to take a backseat to SCIENCE!

[The camera turns towards John, who is only half-shaven, his uncombed hair sticking up at strange angles one would only expect to see on an anime character. He is wearing a large puffy jacket over a hoodie that reads “CHICKS DIG ASTHMA.” John has the expression of someone who just woke up 20 minutes ago.]

DAVE: yeah that right there is the face of a scientist

DAVE: and the outfit of a scientist

DAVE: those bastards at buzzfeed unsolved fuckin wish they could look this professional

DAVE: like look at me

[The camera turns to Dave. Unlike John, he is perfectly clean-shaven, his hair immaculately groomed. Dave gestures towards the hoodie that he himself is wearing, which reads “i think the nic cage guy from into the spider-verse is really hot” in bright red Comic Sans.]

DAVE: ladies and gentlemen i got this bad boy custom printed right after i saw the movie

JOHN: that’s not fair, though! nic cage is my brand!

DAVE: yeah well i offered to get you a matching one but you were a coward and insisted that doc ock was hotter because you were totally one hundred percent not madly in love with spider noir

DAVE: just accept the truth and learn to accept rubiks cube loving hardboiled detective nic cage into your heart

JADE: john’s right. doc ock is hotter. but in terms of actual character, john mulaney as spider-ham is criminally underrated.

JOHN: well, you’re just a furry.

JOHN: hey look, there’s rose!

[The camera turns back down the trail to reveal Rose approaching from Kanaya’s cabin.]

ROSE: I’m glad you could all arrive on such short notice. Did you bring what I requested?

[There is a rustling noise as Jade removes a large backpack from her back, opening it to rifle through the contents.]

JADE: let’s see...some old pairs of jeans, a few scraps of hundred percent cotton fabric, some cans of mint paradise flavored yerba mate, cuttings from a few of my plants, and...a baby bib!

ROSE: Why the bib?

JADE: that’s the kind of thing babies need, right? bibs? look, it’s got little teddy bears on it!

ROSE: Fair enough.

Chapter Text

[The video resumes inside Kanaya’s cabin. Since Rose and Kanaya’s strange meet-cute some months earlier, the odd collection of stuff stacked on old crates has amassed some new items:

Various stools and side tables from Ikea, upon which other items are stacked

A battered Blu-Ray player for the TV

An equally battered Wii, covered in mysterious orange stains

Countless additional potted succulents

A novelty Hanukkah sweater, slightly chewed

The Addams Family (1991)

Several anime figurines

A copy of The Martian, bookmarked with a scrap of newspaper

Pokepark Wii: Pikachu’s Adventure (2009)

A mint condition Draculaura doll from the Monster High franchise

A Hello Kitty lunchbox full of candy wrappers

A copy of Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure (2007) with the words “Dont Play This Game” written on the cover in Sharpie

Sharpies

And an ever-taller tower of yerba mate cans.

Kanaya herself sits on a small stool near her collection of vampire romance novels, holding a large bundle in her arms. She’s smiling warmly at it, or at least making an insectoid approximation of said facial expression.]

JADE: hey kanaya!!!

KANAYA: Oh Hello There Everyone

KANAYA: Are You Here To Meet Porrim

DAVE: pump the brakes on the baby shower train for a second

DAVE: i thought yall hadnt decided on a name for it yet

KANAYA: Well Im Not Taking Any Other Suggestions Because Frankly All Roses Ideas Have Been Silly

ROSE: And here I thought you’d at least take Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way into consideration.

KANAYA: I Did In Fact Consider It

KANAYA: And I Hated It

DAVE: well there goes my list of ideas

JADE: enough about that, let’s see porrim!

[Jade’s camera closes in on the bundle in Kanaya’s arms. It is a strange, caterpillar-like creature the size of a human toddler, wrapped in a blanket. Its body is an off-putting pale green color, but far more concerning than its body is its face. True to Dave’s description, its face resembles a knockoff Voldemort mask: high cheekbones, pointed chin, and only a slight bump where the nose should be. Interestingly enough, it has greyish markings around its mouth that almost resemble doll-like human lips.]

JADE: wow!!! this is fascinating!

JOHN: they sure are, uh…

ROSE: Finish your sentence, John.

JOHN: they sure are a thing. that is here. with us.

JADE: aw, hush! they’re adorable!!! (to Porrim) who’s the cutest widdle scientific breakthrough? you are!

[Jade extends a finger towards little Porrim, perhaps hoping they will grab on like human infants do. Instead, Porrim opens their mouth to reveal a row of eerily human-like teeth, and bites.]

JADE: ow!!!

JOHN: holy shit! they have teeth!!!!!!!!

KANAYA: Watch Your Language

KANAYA: There Are Children Present

DAVE: yeah well theres only one child present

DAVE: if you can call a grub with a human face a child

DAVE: and they just bit the fuck out of jades hand

ROSE: Now, this is interesting.

DAVE: this is not a situation that calls for that particular word choice roseanne

ROSE: I believe Porrim Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way may have a taste for blood.

JADE: let’s not jump to conclusions, guys. you know what this calls for?

JOHN: if it’s bloodletting, i’ll pass.

JADE: the scientific method!!!!

DAVE: if this ends up like goatman im blaming it on yall

Chapter Text

[The footage from Jade’s camera resumes with the group sitting in a semicircle around Porrim, who has been given a few square feet of floor space to crawl around. In front of Porrim are three items: a small pile of assorted leaves, a scrap of cotton fabric, and a piece of gauze with a small drop of blood on it. Everyone is speaking in hushed tones.]

DAVE: so yall wouldnt even consider naming em something like

DAVE: hatsune miku the second

KANAYA: Hatsune Porrimiku The Second Is A Bit Of A Mouthful

JOHN: hatsune porrimikulas cage?

ROSE: Hatsune Porrimikulas Cage Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way?

KANAYA: How About This

KANAYA: I Name Them Hatsune Porrimikulas Dementia Raven Lalonde-Maryam

KANAYA: But We Can All Just Call Them Porrim For Short And Also Never Continue This Conversation

JADE: guys, shh! i think they’re going for the fabric.

[Porrim steadily approaches the fabric, considers it for a few seconds, then moves to the bloodied piece of gauze. Once again baring their remarkably human teeth, Porrim chows down.]

JADE: or not.

ROSE: Ah, sweet vindication. Jade?

JADE: alright, alright, you win!!!

[Jade begrudgingly hands Rose a 5-dollar bill.]

DAVE: so how are we gonna go about feeding porrim their daily dose of human blood

JOHN: how much blood do they even need, anyway? what if it’s something like, one human per day?

[Just as John says this, Porrim begins to approach the cotton fabric. Once again baring their teeth, they take an alarmingly large bite of the pastel pink chambray. They chew and swallow happily.]

JADE: hell yeah, they’re omnivorous! rose, give me my 5 bucks back!!!

ROSE: Our bet was on whether or not Porrim has a taste for blood at all, not whether they have an exclusively sanguine diet. I’ve still won, fair and square.

KANAYA: May I Put This Conversation On Hold For A Second

KANAYA: Is It Just Me Or Is Porrim Significantly Larger Than They Were Just This Morning

DAVE: nah i can see it

DAVE: this morning they were the size of a 2 year old

DAVE: now theyre the size of a 3 year old who gymboree would describe as husky

DAVE: whatever thats supposed to mean like who was the marketing executive walking on eggshells trying to come up with inoffensive terminology for kids who are on the bigger side of things

DAVE: and then was like i got it ladies and gents we should assign these toddlers a fursona long before their little sausage fingers can pick up a pencil and draw one for themselves

KANAYA: Whats A Fursona

ROSE: Oh no.

JADE: hush, rose! fursonas are nothing to “oh, no” about!

ROSE: I disagree, but that remark wasn’t what I was responding to.

ROSE: I hear footsteps outside.

[The room falls silent, enough so that the faint sound of feet crunching through frost can be heard a little ways off. Rose draws her pocket knife and opens the door, Jade aiming her camera over Rose’s shoulder. Outside, a light dusting of snow has begun to fall, slightly obscuring the field of view. Nevertheless, we can make out a stumpy, humanoid shape that brings to mind a miniature Chewbacca. This figure appears to be carrying a large stack of books in its arms, at least until it trips over a root and sends the stack flying. It swears with a very familiar voice.]

FIGURE: FUCK!

ROSE: Karkat?

[The figure takes off running. Dave pushes by Rose and begins to give chase.]

Chapter Text

[As Dave pursues the hirsute figure into the distance, Rose relaxes her shoulders and turns back towards the rest of the group.]

ROSE: Dave can handle that one.

ROSE: For the time being, I think we should further examine the issue of Porrim’s growth.

JADE: what was that just now?

KANAYA: That Was The Boy Who Brings Me All My Romance Novels

KANAYA: I Dont Really See Why You Had To Chase After Him

JOHN: and was it just me, or did he look like he was wearing some kind of wookie costume?

JOHN: …

JOHN: hey, wait a minute!

ROSE: Whether or not Karkat is Bigfoot is a matter we can address another time, in another episode.

KANAYA: It Seems Awfully Strange To Call Him Big Foot

KANAYA: He Is Much Too Short To Be Considered Big In Any Sense

ROSE: The same can’t be said for Porrim, though. Look.

[The camera turns back towards the interior of the cabin to reveal Porrim, now about the size of a 5-year-old human, rooting around in Jade’s backpack. With their teeth, they drag out one of the pairs of jeans that Jade brought. They begin chewing contentedly through the belt loops.]

KANAYA: Theyre Growing So Fast

[Kanaya wears a sentimental expression on her insectoid face. If she had tear ducts, tears of joy would be welling up in her eyes.]

JADE: hey kanaya?

JADE: i don’t mean to pry, but...how long did it take you to pupate?

KANAYA: Im Not Sure

KANAYA: Why Do You Ask

JADE: i think porrim might be growing a little faster than we expected.

JOHN: yeah, pretty soon they’ll be, like, reading those teeny bopper magazines. or maybe playing mine craft.

JOHN: is mine craft relevant anymore? i don’t know what kids do nowadays.

ROSE: I believe the game of choice these days is Fortnite. With a side of existential dread.

[Porrim pokes their head deeper into Jade’s backpack, dragging out the baby bib. With surprising strength, they fling it across the room.]

ROSE: And they’re starting to show opinions.

KANAYA: This Seems To Be Their Way Of Demonstrating That They’re Not A Baby Anymore

JADE: i didn’t even get a chance to use that bib.

JOHN: don’t worry! we’ll probably find another cryptid baby to use that bib on!

JOHN: or something.

Chapter Text

[We cut to footage from Dave’s phone camera, which seems to have turned on in his pocket accidentally, due to the poor audio quality and complete lack of visuals. We can hear Dave’s feet crunching through the snow as he sprints towards the hirsute figure. There is a loud thump, followed by sounds of a struggle. All we see of the struggle is the occasional blurry flash of light from outside Dave’s pocket. Things calm down, and a conversation starts.]

KARKAT: GET YOUR FUCKING KNEE OFF MY CHEST.

DAVE: i refuse to let you loose until

[Dave is wheezing a little.]

DAVE: fuck hang on i havent run that fast in years

DAVE: i refuse to let you loose until you explain what the fuck is going on

KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU SO INTENT ON KNOWING THAT? MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO GO FOR A WALK OUT IN NATURE. MAYBE NOT EVERYTHING HAS A SECRET FUCKING ULTERIOR MOTIVE. LET ME GO.

DAVE: you never cared to tell me you were literally bigfoot

KARKAT: SHIT.

KARKAT: I WAS BRINGING THE MOTHWOMAN SOME BOOKS, ALRIGHT? I DIDN’T REALIZE YOUR INABILITY TO LIE WAS CONTAGIOUS.

DAVE: it can only be transferred via total heartbreak

DAVE: and lemme tell ya karkat you are breaking my poor little heart

DAVE: look here it is, all bloody and shit

DAVE: its ruining my best hoodie karkat

KARKAT: SO WHAT IF I AM BIGFOOT? YOU LITERALLY RUN A CRYPTID HUNTING SHOW. I HAVE TO TAKE--OW--PRECAUTIONS.

KARKAT: AND I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING. I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I UNIRONICALLY ENJOYED TWILIGHT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

DAVE: you what now

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: THAT’S NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT!

DAVE: holy fuck i did it

DAVE: i actually got karkat to shut up for more than five seconds

DAVE: and all it took was me finding out that he enjoyed twilight in middle school and also is literally bigfoot

KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL, I PREFER THE TERM “SASQUATCH.”

KARKAT: SECOND, I’M NOT THE ONLY SASQUATCH OUT THERE. HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK THERE HAVE BEEN SIGHTINGS ACROSS THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES?

KARKAT: MOVE YOUR FUCKING KNEE, IT’S DIGGING INTO MY STERNUM.

DAVE: you’ve been pretty good at hiding in plain sight though

DAVE: goddamn that promposal where you dressed in a shitty sasquatch costume was pure genius

DAVE: but the thing is you violated our dudemanbuddy code

DAVE: i thought you trusted me dudemanbuddy

KARKAT: WELL RIDDLE ME THIS ASSHOLE, AS LONG AS WE’RE TALKING LACK OF TRUST--

KARKAT: DON’T PUT YOUR KNEE ON MY STOMACH, THAT’S WORSE!

KARKAT: --WHY DID YOU MAKE ATTEMPTS TO HIDE OUR RELATIONSHIP UNDER A GUISE OF “DUDES BEING GUYS” OR WHATEVER THE FUCK?

DAVE: well maybe i have trouble confronting my own attraction to dudes if its not in a joking context

DAVE: something something intricate rituals something something we live in a society

DAVE: look thats a conversation we can have later but i have to ask

DAVE: howd you manage to go around looking human when youve got this much silky silky hair

KARKAT: ILLUSION MAGIC. DID YOU THINK I SHAVE IT ALL OFF EVERY DAY OR SOME SHIT?

DAVE: nah just making sure

DAVE: its fucking gorgeous by the way

DAVE: what shampoo do you use

KARKAT: THE SHAMPOO DOESN’T MATTER. I JUST PUT THE CONDITIONER IN BEFORE I SHAMPOO BECAUSE I--

KARKAT: STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT! I’VE GOT SHITTY ROMANCE NOVELS TO DELIVER, LET ME GO!

DAVE: alright

DAVE: i love you dudemanbuddy

DAVE: and i really mean it your hair is fuckoff gorgeous

KARKAT: I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[There are shuffling noises as the two of them get up off the ground.]

KARKAT: AND DON’T MAKE ANY SHITTY “SMALLFOOT” JOKES ABOUT MY HEIGHT, ALRIGHT?

DAVE: of course i wont that movie was terrible

Chapter Text

[We return to footage of Kanaya’s cabin, with Rose narrating. Strewn across the floor are small remnants of all the jeans that Jade brought with her, as well as a few plant stems, a crushed yerba mate can, and Jade’s baby bib, with a single bite taken from it. Porrim the grub is nowhere to be seen. Instead, a dark green cocoon the size of a particularly gangly 12-year-old perches on the wall.]

ROSE: Well, dear viewers, it would seem that Porrim has officially pupated.

[Jade has brought out a small notebook, and is furiously writing things down, muttering to herself.]

JADE: rapid change in size… omnivorous diet possible cause… cocoon…

JADE: hey, rose, would you describe this color as grass green or forest green?

KANAYA: Its More Of A Jade Green

KANAYA: Which Is The Same Color As My Blood

KANAYA: Write That Down

[Meanwhile, John produces his phone and a small Bluetooth speaker from his hoodie pocket. He sets them on a table, gently pushing aside a few succulents.]

ROSE: John, what are you doing?

JOHN: you know how mozart is supposed to make babies smarter?

JADE: pretty sure that’s an urban legend, john.

JOHN: well, i never got the chance to use this to play mozart.

JOHN: but since a pupa is basically the insect equivalent of a teenager, i’ve got something even better!

[John presses a button on the Bluetooth speaker. Out comes the opening riff of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”]

ROSE: My God. You’re a genius, John.

JOHN: yeah, i figured porrim’s musical taste would take after their moms. if not, i’ve got one direction, hatsune miku, a bunch of those hipster “mood” play lists…

JOHN: mine craft covers of katy perry, mine craft covers of cold play, rick and morty dub step remixes, that one mine craft song that got more views than the original…

JADE: rick and morty WHAT?

ROSE: Dirk hasn’t even been near this cabin. I doubt his music taste would spread to Porrim.

KANAYA: Youll Have To Introduce Me To This Hatsune Miku Person Some Time

[Rose is about to say something when the cabin door creaks open. In step Dave and Karkat, both extremely damp from the snow. Karkat is balancing his stack of romance novels in one arm, examining a book from the stack for water damage with his other hand. His eyes visibly widen when he sees the state of Kanaya’s cabin.]

KANAYA: Hello Again Dave

KANAYA: And Hello Karkat

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?

KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOUR INTERIOR DESIGN SENSIBILITIES WERE “ORGANIZED CLUTTER,” NOT “MAKE THE GUYS FROM QUEER EYE CRY.”

KARKAT: AND IS THAT A FUCKING COCOON ON THE WALL?

KANAYA: Karkat Id Like To Introduce You To Porrim

KANAYA: Theyre Our Combination Adopted Grub And Scientific Break Through

ROSE: Hold the phone. Kanaya, I thought you said that Karkat was afraid of you.

KARKAT: I’M LITERALLY A SASQUATCH.

KARKAT: WHO GIVES A SHIT, I’VE ALREADY OUTED MY CRYPTID STATUS.

KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE AFRAID OF A MOTH PERSON?

KANAYA: My Years As A Hermit May Have Led To Missing Out On A Few Social Cues

DAVE: yo kanaya is the ban on swearing still relevant cuz i just counted 4 violations out of karkat’s mouth

JOHN: wait, wait, what--

JADE: everyone shush!!! porrim is hatching!!!

Chapter Text

[The Cryptobusters and cryptids stand in silent awe as Porrim’s cocoon begins to crack open. Out comes a slight glimpse of gleaming white fluff, then a sliver of an enormous wing. After a dramatic beat, the shell splits completely in two, releasing a blinding light that overexposes the footage for a few seconds. The light fades to reveal what looks like a miniature version of Kanaya. There are some marked differences, of course: this mothperson’s wings haven’t completely unfurled yet, the fluff on her head is considerably longer, and she bears faint grey spiral markings on her limbs. This newly hatched Porrim calmly takes stock of her surroundings, and begins to speak.]

PORRIM: First o+ff the bat, thank yo+u all for raising me. My grubho+o+d was made much richer by the presence o+f two+ mo+thers, an aunt, two+ uncles, and what’s-his-name o+ver there.

KARKAT: I’VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR FIVE MINUTES.

PORRIM: Were I left to+ fend fo+r myself, I would no+t have gro+wn into+ the devastatingly stylish, well-ro+unded, incredibly intelligent mo+thgirl I am no+w.

PORRIM: But I must bid yo+u all a bittersweet farewell, because I feel that this next phase o+f my life must be a so+litary o+ne as I learn mo+re abo+ut myself.

KANAYA: Whatever Path You Choose We Will Support You

DAVE: unless you choose to do cocaine

JOHN: yeah, don’t do drugs, stay hydrated, and uh...i don’t know enough about mothperson biology to give any more advice.

KANAYA: Dont Confuse Flashlights For The Moon

JADE: never let anyone tell you that you’re an omen of doom! you are a strong, effervescent mothgirl!

ROSE: And write home to us every once in a while.

PORRIM: I appreciate the kind sentiments. But I do+ like the idea o+f being an o+men of do+o+m.

[Porrim scoops up a small pile of Kanaya’s romance novels.]

PORRIM: Also+, I’m taking these with me.

[Porrim walks to the doorway, books in hand. Before she leaves the cabin, she turns to face the Cryptobusters and cryptids one last time.]

PORRIM: Go+o+dbye, everyo+ne.

PORRIM: And by the way…

PORRIM: Watch o+ut fo+r the two+-faced do+ll.

[With those enigmatic words, the door closes behind.]

KARKAT: ANYONE CARE TO FILL ME IN ON WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

JADE: scientific progress is what happened!

ROSE: A beautiful coming-of-age is what happened.

KANAYA: I Learned More About Both Myself And My Species By Raising A Grub Is What Happened

DAVE: i guess im an uncle now is what happened

JOHN: a fever dream that’ll be a beast to edit into an episode is what happened.

KARKAT: THERE’S YOUR PROBLEM.

KARKAT: AS SOMEONE WHO’S WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF YOUR SHOW RELIGIOUSLY, HERE’S A FUCKIN’ IDEA.

KARKAT: JUST SLAP THE LABEL “SPECIAL BONUS EPISODE” ON IT TO DETER CRITICISM OF THE APPROXIMATELY TEN THOUSAND DEVIATIONS FROM THE TYPICAL FORMAT I JUST SAW.

JADE: you’re not worried about being outed to the internet as a sasquatch?

KARKAT: THE INTERNET? FUCK NO.

KARKAT: RULE NUMBER ONE OF CRYPTID STATUS IN THE DIGITAL AGE IS THAT WHEN PEOPLE ARE CONFRONTED WITH EVIDENCE, THEY’LL BEND OVER BACKWARDS LOOKING FOR PROOF THAT IT’S FAKE.

KARKAT: IT’S LIKE YOU SAID IN THE FIRST MOTHMAN EPISODE.

KANAYA: And I Can Assure You That Should People Arrive With Torches And Pitchforks I Will Have Karkats Back

JOHN: hell yeah! uh…

[John looks at the huge mess that Kanaya’s cabin has become.]

JOHN: let’s do something about this carnage.