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Kaoru couldn’t keep it up forever. As hard as she tried, someday she’d falter, and someday she’d fall.
How would all of her little kittens feel if they knew that the Kaoru Seta that they knew did not exist?
So she did her best. She winked at girls and gave them sly smiles, spread paths through hordes of fangirls by swearing her devotion, cast off her favorite foods in favor of her image.
She remembered her fans’ names and faces—it was the least she could do, when she lived merely to inspire them—but never had those names and faces been as notable as Himari Uehara and Rimi Ushigome. Himari went to Kaoru’s school, after all, and she had met Rimi at the Girl’s Band Party. Sometimes, she would approach them on her own, but never with the strength to drop her persona.
If she had that strength, she wouldn’t have driven Chisato away.
Kaoru just wanted her back.
They had a childhood where Chisato was a brave knight protecting a cowardly prince, or they were playing pretend together as a family, or they were relaxing behind a tree as Chisato calmed Kaoru from an anxiety attack, or they staged elaborate performances of plays the two of them had written themselves on the playground, using sticks and dodgeballs as props as Kaoru learned how to put herself out there.
They had a childhood, some years passed, and now they didn’t, and the aching pain of loneliness stung at Kaoru like a sword to the lung, and she clutched her side and murmured “help me into some house, or I shall faint”, collapsing once again into her brave knight’s arms—only to find that she was no longer there.
Something had to change. Something had to to change soon.
Kaoru couldn’t keep being the defining face in the crowd, and still just as alone.
Well, alone wasn’t the right word. She was never alone—in fact, she never had a moment to herself outside of band practice—but she was lonely.
Rimi had a surprisingly calculating eye, from the mystery and horror novels she loved to read, and one day said to Himari as they were out sipping tea, “Is something wrong?”
“Hm? No, I’m doing okay! Why, is my make-up too pale? Do I look sick? Oh, no, have I gained weight?”
Rimi immediately realized that she had misspoken. “Um, no to all of that! I mean... not with us, with Kaoru!”
“Kaoru...?” Himari began to think about the times she had seen her that past week. “No, I don’t think I’ve noticed anything! You must have, though?” She seemed a bit confused, still racking her brain.
“Well, she talked to me the other day, and she seemed... nervous! Almost detached? Maybe she just didn’t sleep or anything, but...” Rimi’s voice trailed off.
“...it’s strange, huh?” Himari finished. “We could try to talk to her! Um, the thought has my heart racing, though...” Himari’s heart felt like it was beating out of her chest. She never thought she may have to confront her idol like that.
Rimi shook her head. “It could have been an off-day!” she suggested, trying to stay positive. “My group has those all of the time, and if Kaoru isn’t okay, she’d find some way to tell people, right?”
Himari nodded. “Yeah, yeah! She’s so cool; she seems basically fearless! If we just keep an eye out, we’ll be good friends, too!”
Rimi nodded. “That’s a good idea!”
“I can make lucky charms for us, too!”
“Those sound adorable! Would they really help?”
“Yep! I think everything will go right when we have them with us!”
Kaoru was scared, and she feared it was starting to show. She reached out, praying that someone would take her hand, to pull her out of the hole she dug herself into in her search for treasure.
And a friend who she would forever be grateful for did.
“Kaoru! Are you okay? You’re not smiling!”
Kaoru looked up at Kokoro with a dashing smile. “Of course I am fine, my kitten. I am simply... er, contemplating the futility of existence.”
Kokoro tilted her head. “Hm... sounds cool! Also, we’re hanging out at my place after rehearsal today!”
“We are?” Michelle asked from the other side of the room.
Kokoro nodded. “Mhm! I think you should bring Misaki, too! This is really important!”
So they practiced, and practiced more, and eventually all made haste to Kokoro’s house—Michelle not included, but she did seem to have brought Misaki along, who was currently holding Kanon’s hand as Kokoro invited everyone to sit around in a circle.
“This is the ‘Kaoru is acting super weird’ intervention!” Kokoro announced to her bandmates.
“I don’t know what you’re referring to,” Kaoru insisted. “Business is as usual, of course, though I must admit that there is quite a load on me.”
“Hey, I know the feeling,” Misaki agreed. “Maybe we could all go out and get some food later, to help you chill a little. And I know you like miso and rice cakes, which won’t be hard to find or anything.”
“What?” Kaoru said, looking anywhere but at Misaki. “Of course, I would love to go out to eat with such lovely kittens as yourself. Perhaps we could all enjoy some foreign cuisine togeth—“
“We’re getting Kaoru good food that she likes and I’m paying for it!” Kokoro interrupted her. “That’s what you need to get you smiling again, right?”
“Ah, but have you not taken note of my smile? Gaze upon it, then, for you have captured a grand image.”
“Kaoru... we know when something’s weird with you,” Kanon said. “And, well, I like to think we’re all your friends, so... it’d be easier for us to help if you could tell us what’s wrong?”
“It’s all right, kittens. I do appreciate your offer for treating me to a meal, Kokoro, but I don’t believe I need to talk about it yet.”
So Kaoru didn’t talk, as much as she wanted to. The last thing she wanted to do was worry her band members.
“Are you sure? You look upset!” Hagumi said, finally succeeding in guilting her just a bit.
“...well, simply put, I suppose... I’m having trouble keeping everything in place. It’s difficult to avoid considering those around you, is it not?”
The room went silent until Misaki spoke. “...sorry, what?”
“To do what you’d like, rather than what you have done for those around you. Perhaps you may understand a quote better...”
“No, I get it!” Hagumi said. “You mean like how my parents want me to be like a real girl, but I like how I act better, right? People want you to be a fake Kaoru, but you like real Kaoru!”
“Exactly, my dearest kitten. Now that you know, perhaps I may remedy this issue, that has already caused what I fear may be the end of a dear friendship.”
Kanon tensed, realizing this may be her job. Misaki gave her hand a supportive squeeze.
“I think I can help...?” she offered. “Um, I wouldn’t... that shouldn’t be your first step, though! Maybe try starting with a couple of fans!”
The idea caused Kaoru’s eyes to widen, as the real fear of what she might do dawned upon her. “Are you sure? If they find out... I fear I may break their fragile hearts. My fans are strong, of course, but if they look up to me so much...”
“You’ll be okay! ‘Cause we’re here with you!”
Kokoro was smiling brightly, as always, and in that moment, Kaoru couldn’t help but feel a bit reassured.
A couple of days passed before Kaoru really decided to do something.
“I’m glad you invited me out today!” Rimi said, taking a small bite out of her chocolate cornet.
“Don’t mention it!” Himari tasted hers as well. “I can see why you like these so much. They’re really good!”
Rimi laughed softly, looking up at Himari and realizing that she had a gorgeous sense of style.
“I really like your dress,” she commented.
“Oh, really? Thanks! You look really good too! I could never pull off those cute pastels...”
“Really? I think you’re cute enough for anything!” Rimi said, before pausing for a moment to think and realizing what she said as Himari’s face flushed.
As if on cue, she noticed Kaoru, a welcome distraction, who seemed to also notice her.
“Ah, good afternoon, k... Himari. I see that Rimi is with you as well.” She gave a gentle wave, and Himari noticed that it was a bit toned-down, but paid that little mind. “You are just the people I wanted to see.”
“Oh?” Rimi asked, tilting her head as a soft blush appeared on her face. It couldn’t possibly be...
“You see, although we do not talk often, I do place trust in both of you. Shall we go someplace a bit quieter? I’d prefer to avoid this spreading.”
Rimi nodded. “I’m okay with it! If Himari is, of course!”
Himari nodded vigorously. “Um, yes! Yes, of course I am!”
Kaoru led the both of them behind the nearest building, and the ecstatic look that they gave each other as Himari clutched Rimi’s wrist and followed her really said it all.
“Well, I suppose we have reached this point, have we not? I must first confess that I... do not always understand what the great bard is saying.”
Himari tilted her head, immediately jolted out of the mood she was in. “Huh?”
Kaoru nodded. “Indeed. But despite that, I still appreciate the beauty of what he writes, yes? Then...” She took a deep breath. “I hope you both still like me if you don’t understand me anymore. You see, I’m not actually... anything like a brave hero, or a knight, except when I’m on stage.”
Rimi blinked. “Oh! I think all of that is okay, though! I mean... I really love horror novels, but sometimes, I get embarrassed about it! And I want to stop being shy, but... well, the world is a scary place... but I think you’re doing a good job, even though you’re going through the same thing.”
Himari nodded. “Yeah! I think that even if you’re not as cool and confident as I thought you were, you’re still Kaoru!”
She was still Kaoru, no matter what. Their words gave her strength, perhaps the strength she needed to go forward and heal.
“My dearest friends... thank you.” Kaoru smiled, gesturing in her typical dramatic manner. “Well, I do need to depart, but I hope to see you again soon. I trust that you’ll keep it a well-held secret, yes?” She finished her sentence by winking, before turning around to leave in a manner that, were she wearing a cloak, it would have swished behind her with a flourish.
Himari and Rimi promptly proceeded to effectively explode, jumping into each other’s arms and quietly squealing.
“She’s so cool!” Rimi said, enthusiastically looking up at Himari. Himari looked back down at her, and remembered how well she had responded to Kaoru, how reassuring she had been, and how kind she was in every moment.
“I know, right?”
Maybe it wasn’t just Kaoru causing the heat on her face.
Kaoru knew she had to talk to Chisato, to make things right—and for that opportunity, she had Kanon to thank. She had messaged Chisato the other day about her first date with Misaki, said she was nervous, asked if she wanted to come along for moral support, and added at the very end that someone else would be there so she didn’t feel like a third wheel.
Fortunately, Chisato had agreed without asking who the ‘someone else’ was. Kaoru felt that such a tactic was dishonest, but far from as dishonest as she had been throughout her adolescence.
So, that day, they all met at a semi-nearby cat café, decorated in gorgeous pastel blues.
The first thing Misaki had said when she walked in was “The color’s like your hair. Not as pretty, though.” Predictably enough, Kanon’s face erupted into a blush.
Speaking of predictability, Chisato absolutely should have predicted that this was one of Kaoru’s dumb ideas, but she didn’t, and now she was awkwardly sitting beside her on one side of the booth while two of her friends were flirting on the other side.
“They invited you?” Chisato asked, seeming a bit suspicious.
“Of course. I was admittedly shocked as well, but Kanon seemed to remember we knew each other in childhood.”
“Right. I did know you, then.”
Chisato was always quite precise in the way she phrased things, and that was certainly no exception. For a moment, Kaoru feared that their relationship was irreparable.
“You still do now. I believe that as we acted as leads together, we have at least some knowledge.”
Chisato didn’t say a word. She looked down as a black cat approached her, and gently let a hand down to stroke its back.
“And, besides, I’m doing what I can do make everything right. Chisato, I do swear by the moon to make everything right by you.”
“Don’t swear by the moon.”
Kaoru’s heart almost hurt at the sudden rejection, before she suddenly put two and two together. “Then what shall I swear by?”
“Do not swear at all. Or, if you must, then swear only by your gentle self, and I’ll believe you.”
Kaoru was certainly about to.
“Then, on my own heart, I do swear to you that when you are near, I will be who you remember me as. In truth, that is who I have been this whole time.”
Chisato laughed softly, almost under her breath. “Did you force them to invite you along just to tell me that?”
Kaoru shook her head. “In fact, it was Kanon’s own idea. I must admit, I am glad she had it.”
“Well, if it took that for you to finally say that much, then I’m glad.” Chisato glanced to the side, somewhat awkwardly. “I do wish we were better friends,” she admitted. “I always feel like you’ve helped me... well, forget the expectations that have forged me into someone I don’t always wish to be.”
Kaoru nodded. “I certainly understand. For years, I have desired simply to run away with you, forgetting all of the pressure on me...”
“But it’s not possible. And... don’t say things you don’t mean, Kaoru. Or should I call you Kao-chan?”
Kaoru flushed red. “Um, well... you haven’t called me that since the performance! So I... well, um... perhaps it is best to do this somewhere private.” She stood, taking Chisato’s hand as she did. “Pardon us! I do believe we will be taking our leave. I will cover our part of the receipt if you bring it to our next rehearsal, assuming we fail to return before you leave.” Kaoru gave Kanon a thankful smile as she walked out with Chisato, whose hand she released upon stepping out into the busy street. “Let’s withdraw to somewhere private.”
And so they did—a small, grassy spot that Chisato knew, but most others did not.
“I’m not ready to be who you knew, Chii-chan.”
Kaoru’s words came heavy off her tongue, feeling like they stumbled to the floor rather than Chisato.
“...I see. You took me all the way out here only to let me down.” She sounded a bit more scathing than usual.
“Please, allow me to finish. I want to be... Kao-chan again,” she said, flushing an even brighter red. “To you, to my band, to Himari and Rimi... but the world is not yet ready.”
Chisato wanted to say so many things. “What world?”, or “The world will always be ready to see the real you, when she’s still just as strong and beautiful”, or “Nobody will stop caring for you just because you’ve taken down a wall”, but none of those words came out of her mouth.
Instead, it became something else entirely.
“I understand. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve seen every woman fall for you, but also admire you. You give off the impression of being princely, or cool, or confident. And you made the mistake of thinking that I was that everywoman, but I am not. So as long as you’re here, remember that I...”
“You want me to pull down the walls I have for you, even if I must construct them again,” Kaoru said.
“Something like that, yes.”
Kaoru smiled a genuine smile, looking Chisato directly in the eyes.
“For you, I’d do that. In truth, I’d do anything. And I promise you, I’m speaking from the heart, just as I was when I told you to run away with me.”
Chisato looked more shocked than anything. All of this time, she thought that Kaoru had forgotten her, treating her like she did any one of the kittens that followed her.
Chisato reached out, and Kaoru reached out, too. There was an awkward pause for a moment, their fingers inches apart, before Kaoru pushed forward to lace them together. Their hands gently fell to the ground, interlocked, and Chisato’s lips slowly turned up their corners.
“As you can’t be the Kaoru that I love in public yet, I can’t be the Chisato that you love in public yet. As an idol, I take my career very seriously.”
She said that, but she didn’t pull her hand away.
“But alone with you, I can forget my label’s name, and I do feel compelled to do that. I can’t force you into a loveless relationship, though. You and I both know that we barely ever have moments alone. So forgive me for this.”
Chisato leaned in close, gently kissing Kaoru’s lips as she connected their free hands. Kaoru found herself kissing her back, chastely but comfortably, and neither wanted to pull back.
When they did, Kaoru was the first to speak up.
“The next time we have a free moment... please, do not hesitate to do that again. I could never be trapped in a relationship with you.”
It had been about a week since Kaoru had opened up to her select few people about her true self, and two of those people—Himari and Rimi—had decided to go to the mall together.
“Oh, this bow is so cute!”
It was a small, blue hair bow, decorated with a cartoonish interpretation of a veiny eyeball in the center. Rimi glanced up at Himari for her opinion.
“Do you think it’s... you know... too much?”
Kaoru’s laugh could be heard from next door—the movie theatre—and perhaps out of habit, Himari looked.
She and Chisato were standing beside each other, making a joke about a poster for one of those carbon copy animated movies. Himari had heard of it—an American film about an emoji. It sounded ridiculous, honestly, but it was making Kaoru happy. As many times as Himari had lovingly gazed upon Kaoru for a few moments when she noticed her around, she had never looked as happy as she did in that moment, with Chisato beside her, making jokes about emojis.
Himari turned back to Rimi, realizing she might have looked at that poster for just a second too long.
“No, I love it! It’s got that kinda ‘creepy-cute’ factor that’d be adorable on you! I mean, I think everything could look good on you, but...” Himari blushed. “You’re trying too, huh?”
Rimi nodded. “Yeah... um, is it so obvious?”
“A little. But I don’t think it’s bad! You’re trying really hard,” Himari said, ever optimistic.
“That’s good! You know, I’m glad that you’re trying to help me with all of this... I love my band, but I see them so often that I love the moments when I get to just be with you, and... well, Kaoru told the two of us for a reason!” Rimi was smiling, and Himari started talking.
“Actually, I do think we get along really well, so I was thinking... we could go to Tsugu’s cafe sometime soon! You know, like a date!”
Rimi’s face flushed red, and she looked up at Himari with surprise. “Oh, wow, um—really?”
“Well, only if you w-“
“Um, what time? And... I think I’m going to get this bow, so I’ll wear it, if that’s okay with you!”
It was absolutely okay with her. Himari almost squealed at the thought of how cute she’d look.
“Yeah, go ahead! I think you’re going to look really cute!”
It has never been possible to keep up an illusion forever.
Kaoru was still afraid—if her secret got out, there were so many people she could disappoint. Chisato was afraid, too—if people found out that she and Kaoru really were in love, she could be jeopardizing her career. Even Rimi feared being treated differently by the people around her if she changed the way she was.
But people were there for them, and for that moment in time, it was enough.