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So the thing is...I’m gay. Just thought I ought to tell you.
Well, that’s what Sirius imagined he would say when he finally came out to someone anyway. In a casual don’t-really-give-a-shit-about-what-you-think kind of way.
He had said to himself he would tell someone before the Christmas holidays were over, but he would be going back to Hogwarts tomorrow and he still hadn't done it- despite the countless times he had rehearsed the conversation in his head, and a few times out loud too (in front of his mirror).
Who to tell, anyway? His parents hated him enough already; he'd rather poke his own eyes out than come out to them. Especially his mum- although Sirius wasn’t sure that word was actually in her vocabulary. All it would earn him would be a lot of screaming and new bruises, considering how homophobic they were. Besides, now was probably not the best time to do it considering he was currently sitting in his room deprived of dinner because of a previous incident involving him 'accidentally' smashing one of the stupid antique vases in the living room and his mother shrieking her bloody head off at him. Maybe he could just get it over and done with and decorate his room with rainbow banners. Nothing screamed gay quite as much as sticking pride flags everywhere...they'd probably get the hint.
He supposed he could always tell James, but he'd have to do it via letter if he wanted to tell him before school, which wasn’t really ideal. Announcing your sexuality to your best mate? That was something that should be done in person. Unless he secretly Floo'd to his house in the middle of the night. Come to think of it, that wasn't even a half bad idea...
A knock on the door interrupted Sirius’ brooding and Regulus walked in with a plate of food, grimacing slightly at the gold and scarlet decorations of Sirius' bedroom. "I snuck you the rest of the dinner," he said, offering Sirius the plate. "Mum and Dad just went out to get some money out of Gringotts or something like that."
"Thanks." Sirius gratefully took the plate from his brother and began wolfing down the leftover rice and stew. Regulus watched him, patiently waiting for him to finish.
"Wha' 'oo wai'in fo'?"
"Merlin, swallow first!"
"Fo’ fu’ sae!" Sirius gulped down a mouthful of food. "What are you still doing in my room? Didn't you have that Potions essay you said you had to do or whatever?"
"I finished it," Regulus said with a calm expression to hide his smugness, as he watched Sirius shovelling mouthful after mouthful of food into his mouth. A piece of lamb from the stew fell off his fork onto the floor, staining the bedsheets in the process and he quickly concealed his disgust. "Look, I've been watching you over the holidays and I think there's something yo-"
"Oi, Kreacher!" Sirius yelled suddenly. A wrinkled house elf appeared in front of him with a crack, bowing so no one could see the look of contempt he wore, even though both brothers knew it was there.
"Master wanted Kreacher?" He croaked, adding with a not-so-inaudible mutter, "Always yelling every day at poor Kreacher, young master Black is. Mistress was right to not give the brat any dinner."
"Clean this up," Sirius said, with a hard look on his face. He gestured towards some fallen grains of rice on the duvet and lumps of meat which had dropped on the floor while he ate, ignoring the house elf's comment about him.
He was, after all, quite used to Regulus being the only living thing in the house who even mildly liked him.
"Certainly, Kreacher will clean up this filthy mess if master wishes...he was never one for manners. Poor Kreacher having to clean up after him every day...he should be starved."
"I told you to clean up!" Sirius growled.
"Always being so rude to everyone. Oh, the secrets Master Black has that Kreacher could tell; he would never dare be so horrible to anyone ever again." With a click of his fingers, the mess vanished and Kreacher disappeared with a loud crack.
"So there is something you aren't telling me! Come on, Sirius, you can't hide it forever."
"Hmm, wha'?" Sirius asked, back to finishing his dinner.
"I said you're keeping something from me," Regulus said persistently. "And you're going to tell me no matter what. It's not something illegal, though, right?"
Well, I'm currently trying to become an illegal Animagus to help my- friend- but that's another story...
"Nope, nothing illegal," his brother lied easily.
"So tell me!"
"Oh, piss off, Reg," Sirius grumbled, flopping down on his bed and leaving his empty plate on the floor.
"I snuck you dinner. You owe me."
"Do not. You still owe me for helping you train to get the Seeker position for Slytherin," Sirius retorted. "Though how you managed to make the team even with my help is beyond me," he added in a very audible mutter.
"Oi! If you think you're so great at Quidditch, then join your own bloody house team!" Regulus stepped over the plate still lying on the floor and joined Sirius on the bed.
"Can't be arsed."
"Your loss. Better for my house anyway. You're still going to tell me your secret."
"Am not." Sirius casually flicked back the hair from his face, all the while staring at the ceiling. No way was he going to tell his brother what he was hiding. He'd never hear the end of it.
What if Regulus told other people and the news spread around Hogwarts? Slytherin, the house he hated, would know and...oh Merlin, what if Snivellus found out?
"I won't tell. Depending on what it is," Regulus said, almost as if he had read his brother's mind. Must be that Slytherin intuition kicking in.
"I mean, if you tell me you're secretly an Azkaban prisoner on the loose or something..."
He didn't get an answer.
"Come on. Tell me. You can trust me, you know."
Sirius hadn't heard those words from him in a long time- things really had changed when they were separated into different houses by the Hat at Hogwarts. Like, all those times they had relied on each other when they were younger had been forgotten. Sirius found new anchors in James, Remus and even Peter, despite him being a little dim and clingy, and Regulus was...brainwashed was a way to put it. All that crap that now came from him about how great the Dark Lord was gave him headaches- how could anyone be stupid enough not to see the truth?
They were still brothers. The bond between them was still there, just not as strong. Arguments were more frequent, they spent less time around each other. When they were at school, they pretended the other didn't exist and limited interactions between them. Not out of cold hostility, but simply because it was easier- they were different and therefore each should be able to live their different, separate lives, one as the popular and rebellious prankster of Gryffindor and the other amongst the budding generation of Death Eaters in the ‘evil’ house.
Then there were moments like now. When they would help each other, confide in each other, and comfort each other. Sirius was the one who had helped Regulus train for Seeker in secret for months, and who secretly sent hexes at anyone unwitting enough to give his brother a hard time (students at Hogwarts were surprisingly aggressive to those they had dubbed the ‘Slytherin losers’). Regulus was the one who would treat Sirius' cuts and bruises when things between his parents got violent, or sneak him food like now when they didn't feed him.
Needless to say their relationship was slightly odd. Even James didn't really understand it, and he was Sirius' best mate. Not that he knew much about it anyway- Sirius had never talked too much about his life at home save for the occasional rants at midnight about how awful his parents were.
"You know, I think it might be time Mother found out about those trashy Muggle magazines you've been secretly stashing under the-"
"Blackmail? Really, Reg? That's just low," Sirius said, tutting.
“If they were just about...oh, I don’t know, feetball or something, I wouldn’t mind as much, but I’ve seen them and they have Muggle girls posing on every page in practically nothing...”
“Bikinis, they’re called. But, you have to admit, the number of ways those Muggles can dream up to make clothes as revealing as possible is pretty fucking impressive.”
"Merlin, no, that’s just wrong.”
“You’re boring.”
“Look, I won’t snitch if you'd just tell me-"
"I don't want to."
"I've kept loads of secrets for you before..."
"Get out."
"You'll have to tell someone eventually..."
"Not now, though!"
"Secrets are always found out, Sirius."
The only response Regulus received to this was a sullen silence.
"Alright, don't tell me." Regulus got up from the bed, pretending to admit defeat. "It's not up to me to decide whether you keep something bottled up inside you for the rest of the year." He walked out of the room and shut the door, leaving Sirius on his bed still staring at the ceiling.
Reverse psychology normally works, he decided.
James or Regulus?
He could hear a voice inside his head snorting, why on earth would you even consider your brother? James is the obvious choice. Screw that stupid promise you made to yourself.
Or how about both of them? Tell Regulus first, then tell James when they were back at Hogwarts. Prongs wouldn't be offended he wasn't the first to find out something so important...would he?
Cut the bullshit, of course he would.
Although he did owe Regulus one.
Maybe two.
Probably about eighty seven.
Sirius let out a groan of frustration. Wouldn't it just be so much simpler if he was straight? None of this confusion would be taking place. No confusion about his feelings, his crushes, or who to confide in.
But, of course, that wasn't how the world functioned.
Maybe if certain brown haired boys with eyes that looked like melted Honeydukes chocolate who were- well, if they didn't exist, maybe Sirius would have turned out a little different.
He sighed. It wasn't his own fault really. He couldn't help it if he found himself so attracted to Re- them. They were just...attractive people.
And if they hadn’t been so attractive, he might not have felt compelled to spend the entire Christmas holidays shut up in his room trying to compose a fucking love letter, of all things.
Now that he thought about it, that was probably why Regulus had caught on to his hiding something in the first place. And Kreacher must have seen all the crumpled drafts of the letter shoved beneath his bed while cleaning, the nosy elf.
Sirius’ stomach lurched. Had Kreacher read them?
Oh, no, dear Merlin. Fuck. Kreacher had always liked Regulus much better- what if he told him about the failed love letter attempts? Worse still, what if he told him he was gay?
Then Regulus would tell his parents, and they’d beat him, and he’d do something dumb like throw a pot at their heads, and they’d disown him and he would have to live on the streets like a homeless man.
If he was a homeless man, he wouldn’t be able to go to Hogwarts! He’d never be able to see James again! Or Peter! Or Remus!
Oh no. That would be awful.
Sirius couldn’t let Kreacher tell anyone.
Maybe if he told Regulus first, he’d keep the secret for him.
Regulus had waited in his room for what felt like an hour (but which was probably only about 10 minutes) before he finally heard his brother's familiar footsteps approaching. He grinned widely as Sirius opened the door, his hands stuck in his pockets in a failed attempt to seem casual and his face pink.
"So you'll tell me what you've been hiding?" Regulus fought to keep the triumph he felt out of his voice.
"Absolutely not!"
"Okay, well, I'm waiting."
"Right. So, um, the thing is..." Sirius swallowed, predictably losing his nerve. He could feel his palms sweating in his pockets, and quickly wiped them with the insides.
God, he was actually coming out to his brother. Of all people.
He tried again, clearing his throat. "I'm- uh, kind of...I'm..."
Regulus was looking at him expectantly; it was only making Sirius feel even more nervous. He felt like he was going to break down in a moment and start kicking at the walls of the bedroom. Why did he think he could do this? How did you just go about telling a sibling that you were fucking gay? He stared at the carpet instead to avoid Regulus' gaze and buy himself a little more time. He should say it, it would only take a second...but the carpet really was quite a fascinating shade of brown...just like the colour of s-
"Sirius!"
All it would take was one second. Just one second of that Gryffindor bravery the rest of the Blacks hated him for having. Just get it over with-
"I'm gay," Sirius blurted our suddenly, his voice louder than he had expected. Too loud in the silence that followed. He could hear his heart thumping wildly, as he waited for Regulus to say something.
Would he approve? Or would he break his promise and tell people?
Sirius shook himself as soon as he thought it. He was being ridiculous, of course he wouldn’t. This was Regulus. His brother. He could definitely be trusted.
Right?
"Reg, just say something. Preferably by tomorrow." He tried lightening the mood with a joke to hide the fact that he was getting nervous.
Maybe Prongs would have been a better choice.
"Well, it seems like you're telling the truth," his brother replied at last. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. No evident disapproval.
"It did not take you two minutes to come to that conclusion."
"I was trying to remember all the times you’d said or done something that might have pointed to you being gay.”
“I’ve never done that,” Sirius automatically countered.
“Made not-very-subtle jokes about how you didn’t like girls, mock flirted with Avery and Mulciber just to annoy and confuse them, snogged one of the Prewett brothers at that Gryffindor party you invited me to...” Regulus ticked the things off his fingers as he listed them. “Etcetera. I already knew you weren’t straight, I just thought you were bi. So, tell me, who is it you like?"
That honestly came out of bloody nowhere- what do I do?!
Sirius cleared his throat, still somewhat stunned at how much his brother had managed to pick up on over the years. "I don’t like anyone," he said quickly, all the while thinking of those warm chocolate brown eyes.
And the scars on his body. Somehow they made him look even more attractive, and sexier. And that cool tone he delivered his sarcastic comments with. And that cute look on his face when he was particularly engrossed in a book, his brow furrowed-
Alright, play it cool, otherwise Reg will know you're lying.
"I don't mind if you don't tell me, but I'd guess that it's one of your Marauder friends," Regulus said, sitting down on his bed. "Or whatever you call yourselves. Since you spend the most time with them, you’d know them best. Either Potter or Lupin. That Pettigrew seems too clingy for you, and he’s ugly anyway.”
"Oi! Don’t talk about him that way, he’s my friend! And anyway, I just said I don't like any boy." Sirius could feel his heart beating uncomfortably fast at Regulus’ very accurate assumptions. How the hell would he know?
Come on, he told himself, you can just lie your way out of this.
His brother smirked at him, a glint in his eye that Sirius didn’t like the look of. He avoided his gaze, trying to inspect his nails casually.
“Want me to tell you what I think?” Regulus said.
“No.”
“I think it’s Lupin. Because you and Potter act like you’re brothers at school. He’s too close to you for him to be anything other than a platonic friend. Besides, Lupin seems more like your type, right?”
“Reg, you wouldn’t even know what my type is,” Sirius responded through gritted teeth.
Was he a fucking Seer?
How did he just figure that out all on his own? Was it really that obvious?
Why did Slytherins have to be so bloody observant?
“Hey.” Regulus’ voice broke through the panic that was ensuing within his mind. “Sirius. It’s fine.”
“What? What’s fine?”
“I mean, you don’t have to deny or confirm. But I won’t tell. You can trust me, remember?” He looked so sincere that, for a moment, Sirius completely forgot why he was worried. He felt a slight pang, because he remembered that this was what they had used to be- brothers, able to trust each other wholeheartedly.
When had their relationship reached the point where they began to doubt each other’s loyalty, when they had been relying on the other to keep his secrets since they were children? Now that Regulus has promised to keep his secret, Sirius felt guilty for not trusting him properly in the first place.
He was still his brother. A slightly brainwashed Death Eater wannabe, perhaps, but his brother all the same.
Sirius sighed. “Yeah, I know I can trust you.” He gave a small smile, and a weight in his chest he hadn’t even realised was there lifted. “Thanks, Reg.”