Chapter Text
Friday, 7 June 2030
Panda❤:
hi Yuta.
listen i’m sorry, but i have been thinking and look i don’t want this for you…
i’m a horrible influence and i don’t have the energy nor the determination to pretend i could hold this up any longer
i never lied when i said i love you but i can’t do this anymore i can’t be in this relationship anymore it smothers me and i hate being smothered
for your and my best let it end here no obligation to talk to me any longer, no calls, nothing at your next visit you don’t even need to greet me as long as we stay civil about it
my best wishes
simon
I had stared at the message for several minutes. This idiot. He really thought he could get rid of me. Calmly I laid my phone down, stood up and walked up to the high window in my room. He really believed he could just break up with me like this.
Ridiculous. But still, he knew what he was doing to an extent. I could not reach him like this. It had no use to text back, he was a far more skilled writer and I could also not call him, since he would simply decline it. I actually had to wait this out until my next visit to the States, and that was a whole month away.
Seriously, what was he just thinking? Why would he do this? What had I done wrong? I felt sadness and anger rise in my chest and tried to swallow them down. It was no use.
He did not want this, I told myself over and over again. He did love you and he had proven in the past that fact quite persuasively.
And still I felt myself slowly drifting into self-pity and almost saw how my expression lost its calm. It made no sense and I was helpless. I could do nothing to change my situation and I knew that Simon could not be happy about this. I knew he wasn’t.
“I didn’t want to get too attached. But now it’s too late for that and honestly letting one of you go sounds almost more horrible now than being hurt again. No, it would definitely be worse.”
Determined I put my hurt feelings aside and reminded myself that these were Simon’s own words. That this was what he had just confessed a month ago and I knew that he was suffering. And I would not let him to this to himself. Not again.
Someone knocked at the door. Royally I straightened my back and turned to the door.
“Who is there?”, I asked in khura’inese pretty sure that it could only be my sister or Apollo who were the only ones who did not introduce themselves straight after knocking.
As expected, it was Apollo who asked me if he could come in. He had still been around in the palace, because of a meeting with some of the council members, but I was still surprised by his sudden appearance. Normally, he would go home on a Friday night and just lay back for some time, after such a demanding week full of work.
I allowed him to enter. His expression was earnest, and his eyebrows knitted together in worry. I sighed. How on earth did he already know about this?
“Are you alright? Klav just wrote me. He had been up for a second to get some water, only to find Simon down sitting in the living room staring at his smartphone and suddenly declaring that he had dumped you?”, Apollo explained as he came closer and finally laid a hand on my shoulder.
“So, he really…?”, he asked after I looked to the side with a painful sting in my heart.
I nodded. “Yes. But I don’t think he wanted to do this.”
And there Apollo shot me the most unbelieving and confused look, he had on stock. Unconvinced he put his hand on his hips and asked: “How exactly could he not have wanted to break up with you? You don’t accidentally send somebody a break up text. Or do you think he was blackmailed into breaking up with you? You know that's stupid, right?
I’m sorry if that has been your coping strategy, but that idea really holds no water and-“
“Apollo, stop.”
I coldly looked at him and he did not say another word. Frustratedly I let myself drop on the bed and sighed. Apollo followed, and I run my hand down my face and tried yet again to make sense out of all this.
“I am aware that he sent it on purpose. And the possibility of him being blackmailed or threatened into leaving me is laughably small, so I know that this isn’t either what’s going on right now.”
I looked at my hands and turned my right palm up. There was the dragon. But where was the power it yielded? I surely could use that determination right now.
“But I know”, I told Apollo and looked in his sympathising face, “that this is not what he desires. He loves me in all the ways he can, and he knows that he needs all the support he can get right now. He’s being unreasonable, and normally that means that he’s pushed in a corner, and I don’t know what put him in this position!”
I remained silent for a second before the always recurring problem with Simon dawned me, and I shot up in pure rage.
“IF HE ACTUALLY THINKS THat he would PROTECT me with this fucking stunt from his own miserable hell, I’m going to straight up slap him in the face the next time we meet!!!”
Shocked Apollo looked at me pacing around in fury and asked with a small voice: “What?”
I turned to him and shook my head and Simon’s stupidity. How could he always do this? Why did he want to suffer so badly?
“He has done it before”, I explained still agitated but no longer furious to my brother’s luck. “He actually does it all the time. Pushing people away because he fears that they would get hurt in the process of helping him…
Which actually makes sense to him because Metis died after he had asked a favour of her”, I added as this suddenly hit me.
Apollo gaped at me and I gaped back before I fell back on the bed and thought about how on earth, I was supposed to get this out of Simon’s stubborn thickhead.
“Well”, Apollo mumbled and stared cluelessly at the wall, “at least, you know now what the problem might be.”
“Ah, yes that will be a great help”, I moaned sarcastically and shot him a look.
He just shrugged and kept me in company until I had calmed down and he had to go home.
Saturday, 8 June 2030
The morning prayer was over, and my mother had asked for my presence. Obediently I followed her orders and went to her private quarters. I was not sure what she wanted to discuss with me but questioning for her reasons rarely bore any results, so I just waited until I finally met her face to face in her office.
Finally, I was allowed to enter. The room had a high ceiling, fair, meticulously worked patterns on the walls and heavy looking furniture in deep red and golden ornaments. A place that surely did the queen justice with its aura.
Right now, she sat on the massive armchair next to the window, a book on her lap as she looked outside and watched some birds.
“Your Mercifulness. How can I assist you?”, I said formally while bowing.
Mother made a light hand gesture and signalized me with it that this was not a formal meeting and that she wanted to talk to me as her child and not as a regent. So, I straightened up and went closer to her and took a seat on the footstool in front of her. I could have chosen to sit on the other armchair, sure, but the footstool was closer to my mother and it ticked her off when I behaved unroyally.
She merely moved a muscle as she told me calmly: “I was told by the guards that they have heard you shouting yesterday evening, after your brother had come to visit you.
Since he did not leave right after this incident and you seemed to be at good terms this morning while the prayer, I assumed you did not fight with him.
I did my research and learnt that this Simon did break things off. Is that correct?”
I cost me all my strength to not snap at her for prying into my social life. She knew how much I hated it.
Forcefully I took a deep breath and told my mother with a nod: “Yes, that is correct. Simon texted me that he could no longer hold up this relationship and wanted to end it.”
Mother raised her eyebrows. Well, that certainly was a strong reaction for her.
“He texted you? Not even a call?”
“Mother, I don’t think this is what he really wanted. I don’t believe that he really wanted to end it but felt like he had to end it now in order to stop me getting more involved with his problems. He couldn’t do it otherwise. I don’t think his voice had managed to tell me what he needed to say but did not want to say.”
Openly showing her scepticism she eyed me up and curled her lips in displeasure. My answer did not sit well with her apparently.
“Nahyuta”, she began her speech being harsh and clear, “do you not think that you overanalyse this? This explanation is far-fetched. It is way more probable that he simply did mean what he said and wanted to end it as quickly and comfortable as he could.”
“You don’t know him”, I hissed keeping my voice as low as possible. “He would never be so cruel to me and if he had wanted to do it quick, he had done it a month ago, when I was in the States and not now.”
“This is what you want to see, my child. You’re being delusional and interpreting things to your liking.
And I understand that. Heartbreak is horrible, and I understand that you are upset about this, but you need to let go of these false hopes. It will do you no good.
And how well do you even know him? You see each other at best once a month and otherwise you just call him. Do you really know him as well as you believe?”
Unbelieving I gaped my mother. She couldn’t be serious about this. She could not be telling me that I was being irrational, when she had no gasp of my relationship with Simon, his current state of mind and my actual feelings at this moment. She hasn’t even asked if I was upset. She just assumed that she knew what I was feeling right now.
And even less did she have the right to devalue my relationship with Simon just because we didn’t see each other on daily basis. How could she claim that this wasn’t real or valuable enough? How could she say in my face that I did not know the one person I loved?
“How dare you!”, I cried my whole body shaking. “How dare you saying that I wouldn’t know Simon, after he helped me more than anybody in this wicked palace did! He helped me find myself and helped me getting the courage to express myself, and nobody ever did that for me in my entire life!”
She looked at me in absolute shock. I had never spoken up against her like this before.
“And you know what?”, I continued loudly. ”Yes, I am upset now. But not, because of the breakup, but because you don’t listen to me! I am sad and agitated about it, and I feel helpless for not being able to talk with Simon and sort this out properly.
But you would know that already had you asked… Instead you just assume things and accuse me of being irrational. That’s a big help.”
She looked at me with hurt in her eyes. Yes, I had been harsh, but she had been harsh as well. She should be able to swallow what she serves.
Suddenly composed again she met my eyes before she slightly bowed her head and said: “I see my mistaking. I should have asked about your feelings in this matter first before advising you. And I should not have said these things about your relationship with Simon.
I will not repeat that mistake in the future.”
A bit suspicious I eyed her up but eventually said: “Thank you.”
A brief smile with a hint of sadness in it rushed over her lips before she put the book on her lap on the little table next to us and folded her hands in her lap.
“Then, do I understand correctly that you want to fix things with Simon?”, mother asked eventually.
“Yes, I do.”
I saw her repressing a sigh but tired not to let her frustration and sorrow show through it.
“Can you tell my why you want to fix it?”, she asked further.
I straightened my shoulders and told her: “I love him. And I know that this is not what he really wants. I can’t just give this up. I can’t just let him walk away.”
Almost immediately mother tried to say something but stopped herself. She contemplated for a moment and then started anew: “I am sure you do love him. And you are right, you know him better than I do.
But it doesn’t change the fact that he has hurt you, Nahyuta. – She put her hand on my knee in visible dismay – And it also doesn’t change the fact that he has broken up with you. No matter how much he might not have wanted it, in the end he went through with it.
Do you really think that you should give him a second chance? After he did this to you?”
Had I been more reasonable or less frustrated with my mother’s treatment of me like I child, I had probably seen that she had a point.
But I wasn’t more reasonable and so I told her without any doubt in my voice: “Of all people I know he’s the one who most definitely deserves a second chance. And I will give him just that.”
She sighed at the fire in my eyes but nodded. Now her royal calm had come back to her again and she took her hand away from my knee. The discussion did not end right away, she asked me when I would go to the States to confront him and if this matter should be addressed at a later point. I told her that I would leave for the 9 of July and that I did not want to talk about it anymore. She then thanked me for my time and let me leave to my relief.
Saturday, 15 June 2030
It was after eleven in the evening and the palace was dark for the most parts. In the whole wing of my brother only out of one room shone a light through the door cracks. And it was Nahyuta’s. I stood in front of it, on my own since I had sent the guards away. I did not want our mother to know about this. I did not want that things got even more complicated between these two.
Without bothering to knock I entered. They sat at their desk, papers from work scattered around, their hair loosely falling out of the braid. They should have stopped working hours ago.
I sighed, and they looked up in confusion. There still was some old panic in their bones from our aunt’s horrible all-time monitoring of them. There had been moments when they startled even more.
“You didn’t knock”, they said with a voice that sounded like it hadn’t been used for ages.
I smiled sadly and walked over to them.
“Yeah. I’m sorry I startled you.”
I held out my hand and waited for them to take it. Slowly they took it and I led them over to the bed. At least they had changed into their nightgown already, I thought as I softly pulled them behind me. I sat down on the bed and motioned them to do the same. They followed without a word.
Our silence continued for quite some time, both staring at the wall of the room. Eventually it was I, who spoke up.
“I know what happened with you and Simon.”
Finally, their apathic expression disappeared and they looked at me in shock. With a small voice they asked: “Who told you?”
“You just now. I hadn’t been sure, and nobody wanted to say anything, but I was pretty sure that this is what has bothered you in the las few days, so I just thought I should approach you directly with it.”
I took their hand.
“What happened?”
“He texted me that he wanted to break up.”
“Yes, but what happened between you two that it let to this?”
They looked at me. Their look was so lost, and shoulders hung so low.
“I’m not sure.”
I bit my lips and gripped tighter on their hand. I felt how heartbroken they were.
They continued, shaking their head and staring at their knees: “Things weren’t different between us, when I left. We had been on good terms and the chats and video calls were just like they usually were.
I guess it might be something that came up when he was talking to his psychiatrist that made him believe he had to do it…
But I’m not sure. Maybe it was something I said or did? He didn’t leave me any clue to work with.”
Sadly I met my brother’s eyes and pulled them into a hug. They did not resist and put their arms around me, as I patted their back and felt their longing for answers and closure for Simon’s actions. I slowly ended our hug and leaned at their side. Nahyuta put their arm around me pulled me against them and we sighed together. It was weird how in synch we were sometimes.
“Why haven’t you told me? I am there for you, you know”, I asked after a while.
“I know you are, but it’s not your duty to console me. You have enough on your plate for a sixteen-year-old. Spiritual training, history and political lessons next to your other school education, the Dance of Devotion and your other religious duties are a lot to shoulder and I don’t want to stress you more, because my panda left me.”
“Yuta… There’s always room for you. If I had relationship problems, you would always make some time for me and listen to my sorrows or just let me cry. I thought you knew that by now.”
They let out a huff and mumbled: “I should, shouldn’t I?”
I sat up and realized that Nahyuta had started crying. Vehemently they tried to hold the tears back and stop themselves from shaking, but the tears were already flowing, and they had lost any chance to win against them anymore.
“It’s fine. Just let it out, there’s no shame in crying”, I said and stood up to get some tissues from their desk.
Bravely smiling I handed them the tissues and sat back beside them. They often held back their emotions here in the palace. I had realized it soon after they had started to live here. Whenever they walked through the halls, sat in the dining room or stayed in their own quarters, they always tried to hold up a regal appearance. It only broke when Apollo or Datz were around. And even then, they never let themselves show any weaknesses.
Eventually they stopped and dried their face with a tissue. Sadly they sniffled their nose one last time and spoke up: “I know it’s ridiculous but you just reminded me of him. Simon always tells me to express my feelings, that I should never feel bad for take up his time.”
They sighed and laughed at the same time.
“But he never allows himself to do that. Klavier was so right when he accused him of not following his own advice. And I did not even see it. Because I wasn’t there.
I feel so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid Yuty! You always knew that Simon is hard to read. Otherwise he could not have faked to be a murderer for seven years straight.
Come on, let’s rethink. Maybe we’ll find out where things went wrong”, I tried to cheer them up.
Apparently, it worked, as they nodded and straightened up to rethink.
“Okay. Let’s try that”, Nahyuta agreed with shaky determination.
I smiled and encouraged: “So, have you ever talked about staying together or ending things before? Has something like that ever come up?”
After some thinking their eyes lit up and they told me with their brows knitted together: “Just after we got together, he once asked me, if I was really happy with him, since he’s aro and he was afraid that I wouldn’t feel appreciated enough. But we cleared that up right afterwards, so that shouldn’t be it…
The only other thing that slightly goes into this direction, was on the Friday night after his break-down.”
“What was it?”, I asked feeling as if we were on the right track.
“He had woken up because of a nightmare, he couldn’t remember, I had just come by his room. I entered and talked to him. Before I got him to lay down and go back to sleep, he asked me, if I would stay, would he ask me to.”
“What did you answer?”
Surprised they looked at me and said as if it was the most logical thing on the world: “Of course I would stay! And I told him exactly that. Why would say I something else? He’s important and definitely one of my priorities.”
For a moment I thought about their answer. It hurt to hear how much they were able to sacrifice so quickly for him-
With big eyes I looked at Nahyuta and carefully said: “What if it scares him?”
“That I care about him and would do stuff for him?”, they snorted
I shook my head and explained: “No, that you would give up your current life for him! That you would sacrifice so much for him. Didn’t you tell me that he still is hung up on all the things his sister did for him, when he was younger? That he feels like he took her twenties away?”
After that Nahyuta looked at me as if I was a magical being, who had just told them that I granted them three wishes. Slowly their expression softened, and they started nodding mellowly. Then they shot me a smile and put their hand on my knee.
“I have been thinking about a lot of reasons why things turned out like this, but with this I slowly start to see the whole picture. I think I’ll be ready to talk some sense into him, when we meet next month. And that might be just thanks to your clue.”
I mirrored their smile and their gaze became softer. Gently Yuta started to draw circles on my back and then said: “And you should know that I won’t leave my whole life behind for him. I love him, and I would find a way to stay with him but there is no way that I would ever abandon you.
You’re my little sister after all and I deeply care for you and love you just as much as Simon. You two make my life worth while and I’m not going to leave one for the other. Okay?”
“Okay”, I mumbled with tears in my eyes and let them pull me into a hug.
Of all the things I lost and gained two years ago in this terrible revolution, Nahyuta was the best thing that came into my life. I was glad to be their sister. And I was glad they could count on me just as much as I could count on them.