Archive of Our Own

“There was this one time,” Donghyuck says, almost wistful. “I saw a bee drown in honey. Isn’t that funny? He wanted it so bad that he didn’t even realize it was killing him.”

*

 Lee Donghyuck is yellow. Rays of sunshine beating down on their backs, the buzzing of honeybees and tan skin glowing like stardust in the glare of a July afternoon. He is his soft voice humming beneath his breath and hand-picked bouquets of dandelions and daisies crawling with fire ants. He is honey - sticky, sickeningly sweet.

 He is a beekeeper's son and lives in the house three doors down from Mark. He’s lived there for as long as the older boy can remember which brings him all the way back to when they were both chubby-faced elementary students; when Donghyuck would throw fistfuls of playground rocks at Mark and call him a wuss when he cried.

 Heaven only knows how the two boys ever got around to being such good friends. Maybe it’s because when Donghyuck wants something, he gets it, and even from the very beginning of their story, Mark had been all too inclined to give it to him.

 When they were kids, they would play pretend. Some days they were pirates, lost in the harsh and angry sea that was Donghyuck’s bright green backyard. Other days, they were royalty. Donghyuck would play the role of the sleeping beauty, lying still amongst the dandelions while Mark loomed overhead, anxiously awaiting to deliver the kiss that would wake sleeping beauty up. When their lips touched, they would quickly go running with red-faces onto the next game or to meet his mother’s call to come in for dinner.

 The image of Donghyuck waiting to be kissed with his skin sparkling in the dusk, lying still in the grass with a halo of dandelions pooled around his head like an angel haunts Mark for years to come.

 The games changed as the years went on. Later, Donghyuck gained a thirst for adventure, and many hot afternoons would have Mark trailing after him beyond the fences of the garden and into the quiet green park just behind. The jogging trails were lined by thick forest, and he and Donghyuck would venture out in the mornings with the intention of getting lost on some great adventure. Mark remembers most clearly how annoyed Donghyuck would be when the immersion was ruined by a jogger passing by in his enchanted forest.

 Growing older still, things changed again. The pair of them got taller and moodier, and more people came into the equation as Donghyuck made friends where Mark couldn’t. He became background noise to the adventures of Donghyuck and his three new friends who were in the same year as him at school - Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun.

 It was around that time that Mark realized he might have liked him as a little more than a friend.

 The little creek that rushed underneath the bridge on the jogging trail was Donghyuck’s favourite place. He loved the sound of it babbling along, although Mark rarely actually heard it beneath the sound of Donghyuck’s own babbling.

 It’d been a while since he and Donghyuck had spent time alone, just the two of them. Donghyuck had texted Mark and told him to be ready in a few minutes because he wanted to go on a walk - Mark was sure it was because he lived closest or the other boys weren’t available, but he didn’t mind either way.

 He wasn’t sure what Donghyuck was talking about although he caught bits and pieces of it; something about Renjun and cooking. Somewhere between listening and daydreaming, he found himself eyeing the side of Donghyuck’s face as he spoke.

 He was certainly rich in facial expressions; Mark watched in a daze at the way Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrowed and unfurrowed, eyes widening and squinting and the way his lips were moving as he kept talking. Suddenly, he was laughing at whatever he’d just said, tilting his head back slightly and scrunching up his nose. Mark watched his brown eyes scrunch up into half moons, still twinkling behind his eyelashes.

 Warmth suddenly bloomed in the older boy’s chest and he found himself mimicking the smile on the other boys face, feeling a sudden and overwhelming sense of fond come over him. Had Donghyuck always been so beautiful?

 “Are you even listening to me?” He suddenly bites, snapping Mark out of his stupor. He’s looking at him suspiciously and he isn’t sure what startles him more; being caught staring at his best friend, or the fact that he was staring at his best friend in the first place.

 “I am,” he lied, trying to look innocent as if he couldn’t feel the heat rising in his cheeks.

 “Were you staring at me?” Donghyuck teases, his lips twisting into a mischievous smile that Mark knows all too well. “Am I really that handsome?”

 Mark burns up inside and out, hiding his mouth beneath his hand and leaning on the railing to stare down at the creek rushing past, pretending he can’t hear Donghyuck chuckling before he launches into a completely different story that puts the last moment's events behind him.

 Mark, however, doesn’t put it behind him.

 The days that follow are full of noticing and realizing things. He notices how soft Donghyuck’s hair always looks and how cute his laugh is. He notices how his eyes shift from brown to gold when the sunlight hits them right, and his lips look like a perfect place for Mark’s to fit. Suddenly, everything Donghyuck does makes Mark feel all warm and fuzzy inside - his incessant singing, random outbursts of aegyo and the face he makes when he’s just done something he thinks is funny both used to be annoying to him, but now Mark’s heart gets a little fonder every time he does anything of the sort.

 At first, he is blindsided by the realization that he might have deeper feelings for his best friend of so many years. Then, he thinks it might not be such a bad thing.

 He and Donghyuck had been friends for a very, very long time. Mark had always felt like he might have cared about Donghyuck a little more than Donghyuck cared about him, and those scales tipped more and more as the years went on. He’d always felt like a bit of a sidekick to Donghyuck more than he ever felt like a best friend. Where Donghyuck was social and knew how to make friends, Mark was shy and a little bit awkward. Where Donghyuck was loud and abrasive at the best of times, Mark was quiet and soft-hearted.

 So, in hindsight, Mark should have known better than to get his hopes up and think that he could ever really be with Donghyuck.

 Things changed after Mark realized he’d fallen for his best friend - before, he was the most passive person in their friend group even though he was the oldest. The others liked to joke that he didn’t really have a mind of his own because he’d barely move or speak unless someone else told him too.

 Now, he was determined to get Donghyuck to soften up toward him. He knew he had a special place in his heart anyway - although he teased him, it wasn’t as much as he teased the others and they’d also been friends the longest. Mark just wanted more. He wanted Donghyuck to fall for him, too.

 So he started doing things. Nice things - things he didn’t bother to do before. Every day was a game of ‘what can I do to impress Donghyuck’ or ‘what can I do to make Donghyuck happy’ . The end game, of course, was for Donghyuck to want him the same way.

 The first thing he did was bring Donghyuck breakfast a few days after that day at the creek. They walked to school together every day, and Donghyuck almost never ate breakfast, brushing off Mark every time he meekly reminded him that he should. Today, though, Mark would make sure that he did, because he was going to bring his breakfast straight to him.

 That day, he brought two of his mom’s blueberry muffins with him when he left the house, each one placed in a neatly folded paper bag. Mark thought his mom made the best muffins ever, and he was excited to give one to Donghyuck because he knew even he couldn’t help but be impressed.

 So he left the house that day with the two bags in his sweaty hands, walking quickly up to where Donghyuck was waiting for him while texting on his phone.

 “Good morning,” he greeted him as he reached his house, smiling a little bit too big. He couldn’t believe he was this excited to see Donghyuck, who he’d seen pretty much every single day for the last decade.

 Donghyuck hummed in response, finishing typing and then sliding his phone into his pocket. Walking down his driveway, he quirked a brow when he saw Mark was holding something. “What’s that?”

 “Oh - um,” Mark’s face burned, looking down at the bags in his hands like he’d just remembered they were there. He hoped his sweaty fingers hadn’t left prints on the bag. Yuck.

 “I - uh, I brought breakfast for us,” he cleared his throat, smiling at his friend and holding a bag out for him.

 Mark’s heart dropped in his chest as Donghyuck stared at him for a second before smiling fondly and taking the bag from his hands. Mark waited as he opened the bag and looked at the muffin, taking it out and looking at it.

 “What kind is it?” Donghyuck asked, grimacing as he looked at the blue spots in the sunlight.

 “Blueberry,” Mark answered quickly.

 Donghyuck’s grimace turned into an annoyed frown. “I hate blueberry muffins,” he grumbled, dropping it back into the bag and crumpling the top closed. “I’ll give it to Jeno, he likes them.”

 Mark’s face burned up so hot he thought he might catch on fire. He almost felt like crying, as ridiculous as it was. “Oh,” he mumbled. “Sorry.”

 Donghyuck waved off his apology and the two started off for school. Mark felt as if he’d left his heart in Donghyuck’s driveway.

 Then, he thought, that was fine. Donghyuck was a picky eater, and Mark should have known better than to give him something without knowing if he liked it or not. It was Mark’s fault.

 It took him a while to think of something else he could do for Donghyuck - in the meantime, he started styling his hair differently, because there was an older boy at their school who always styled his hair up and Donghyuck stared at him everytime he walked past. He wanted Donghyuck to think he looked cool, too, but when he first walked up to Donghyuck’s house with his hair styled up, Donghyuck had laughed and asked him if he was auditioning to be in a boyband. He then settled for just parting it differently instead. He figured that Donghyuck liked it like that because he didn’t say anything about it at all.

 Instead of giving something to Donghyuck again, he decided to start acting differently instead. Mark tended to just listen and never speak, and maybe Donghyuck didn’t like that.

 “How - How was your morning?” He asked, cursing himself for stuttering like an idiot. Donghyuck looked up at him in surprise and slowly chewed the bite in his mouth. “Um, good, I guess. Why?”

 “I just thought it’d be nice to ask,” Mark said, still hopeful that he could have a functional conversation despite Donghyuck’s tone. “It’s good that you had a good day so far. Mine was good, too.”

 “That’s nice…” Donghyuck said slowly, seeming uncomfortable. Mark’s face was getting redder by the second, and he wracked his brain for topics of conversation to try and save himself. He hadn’t hung out with Donghyuck yesterday, so he could ask him about that.

 “So what did you do yesterday?” He asked, taking a bite of his apple and awaiting a response. Donghyuck took a deep breath, looking over Mark’s shoulder at something like he was vexed by the sound of his voice. Mark shrunk slightly in his seat.

 “Nothing, really. Just played video games.” He looked back to Mark, and Mark thought that the sheer lack of interest on his face made the cherub-faced boy look kind of scary. “What did you do?”

 Mark blanched, swallowing hard. He was pretty sure Donghyuck had never asked about his life before.

  “Um..” Mark started, trying to remember what he’d done yesterday. He didn’t really have any friends outside of Donghyuck and the other three when he wasn’t at school, so he knew he hadn’t gone anywhere. “I went grocery shopping with my mom,” he recounted, watching as Donghyuck prodded at his rice. “Then I helped her with the garden.”

 Donghyuck snorted. “You’re a real mama’s boy, you know that?” He said, and Mark might have been hurt if Donghyuck hadn’t smiled at him when he said it. His heart seized and he blushed, half from embarrassment and half from realizing yet again how pretty Donghyuck looked when he smiled.

 “I’m not,” he grumbled beneath his breath, biting into his apple rather aggressively. Donghyuck chuckled at him, and Mark froze like a statue as Donghyuck reached across the table and pinched Mark’s cheek between his forefinger and thumb. It kind of hurt, but Mark could barely register the pain as the younger boy cooed and wiggled his head back and forth in his grip . “So cute.”

 Mark smacked his hand away, blushing just as red as his apple that he’d dropped on the lunch table in his shock. Donghyuck, still laughing, sat back, and Mark was actually glad when he dominated the conversation again the way he always did, launching into a story about a bumblebee he’d heroically killed in biology class.

 Mark didn’t want to be cute - he wanted to be cool. He wanted Donghyuck to like him the same way, not think he was his cute little sidekick.

  So , Mark decided to do the unthinkable - for the first time in his life, he started ignoring Donghyuck.

 Not only did he want Donghyuck to know he could be independent, but he also wanted to see if the other boy would chase after him if he left, or at least care.

 So he walked to school with Donghyuck like he did every morning because he wasn’t really sure how to avoid that situation. Once he got there, though, he stopped Donghyuck before he could walk off to meet their three other friends like they always did. “I’m gonna go hang out with Lucas,” he said as firmly as he could muster. Lucas was Mark’s friend - they weren’t close, they only really talked in school because they were in the same year and had a lot of the same classes.

 Donghyuck made a face, looking over Mark’s shoulder at the tall boy sitting at one of the picnic tables, seemingly asleep with his face smushed against his folded arms. “Um, okay? Have fun I guess?”

 Then, he walked away.

 Mark’s stomach turned nervously. The tone of Donghyuck’s voice was very familiar to him because he was constantly avoiding being on the receiving end of it. He was annoyed with him.

 Mark tried to take this as a good sign. Maybe he was jealous because he liked Mark and didn’t want him to hang out with another boy, he thought as he walked to meet Lucas who, thankfully, was about as intimidating as a small and overexcitable puppy.

 He woke up when he heard Mark sit down and the two started to talk, all the while Mark kept glancing sideways at Donghyuck who was very clearly talking about him with a mean look on his face. Mark shrunk and Lucas, who was surprisingly intuitive, seemed to notice because he suggested they go somewhere else.

 Somewhere else ended up being the library, where he and Lucas played a two player game on the computer until homeroom began. As they parted ways, Lucas asked him if he wanted to hang out after school. Mark was flooded with relief and agreed enthusiastically, hoping the sweet boy didn’t realize that Mark was more or less using him as a weapon against Donghyuck. Somehow, Mark thought he wouldn’t have minded anyway.

 The morning passed by as it always did and then, at lunch, Mark was struck with panic when he realized that his four friends had gone out for lunch without him and now he had no idea what to do with himself. He sat down awkwardly at his empty table and started to eat his lunch alone, feeling miserable until Lucas, ever the hero in Mark’s life that day, seemed to notice he was all alone and joined him with a few boys Mark had never met before called Dejun and Kunhang.

 Mark almost forgot all about Donghyuck as he talked to them until the boy in question returned from lunch and looked at Mark and his friends with thinly veiled rage. He, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun couldn’t sit at their usual table because Lucas and his friends had taken their spots.

 Mark didn’t finish his lunch after that, feeling a bit sickened by the evil eyes his best friend was giving him from one of the tables across the courtyard.

 Later that day when it was time to come home, he caught Lucas’ eye as he waited by his car for Mark. He was just walking toward it when he heard a bark of his name behind him and nearly jumped straight out of his skin.

 He turned to look at Donghyuck, his ears red and his eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not walking home with me?” He asked, his tone clipped.

 “Oh - uh, no. I’m gonna hang out with Lucas,” he admitted awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.

 “Do you have some sort of problem with me?” Donghyuck demanded. “Seems like you’re avoiding me.” Mark could feel his hand start to shake - he’d never gotten mad at Mark like this before. He was really, really starting to regret his plan. It wasn’t working at all how he’d planned.

 “No!” he protested quickly. “No Hyuck, I’m not at all-”

 “So walk home with me then,” he said as though it was a challenge, crossing his arms and looking at Mark expectantly. Mark was lost - he couldn’t just ditch Lucas - he had been so nice to him all day and he actually wanted to hang out with him.

 “Hyuck…” He started, voice wavering. “I - No.”

 “No?” Donghyuck repeated. He seemed a little hurt, and Mark wished he knew what to do.

 “No,” he mumbled. “I can’t just leave Lucas. I’m sorry. It’s only for today.”

  Donghyuck rolled his tongue against the inside of his cheek, looking at Lucas who was still patiently waiting for Mark to join him. “So I’ll just walk home by myself, then?” Donghyuck asked like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world.

 “I’m sure Lucas could drive you home if you asked..” Mark mumbled, twisting the straps of his bags around his sweaty, shaking hands.

 Donghyuck was mad, now. If he wasn’t mad before, that had surely set him off. “No , Mark.” He all but growled, marching past him. Mark whirled to look after him, panicking and feeling his eyes fill with tears. “Hyuck-” he started, desperate to apologize. Oh God, what had he done?

 “Don’t,” Donghyuck bit, hardly looking at him and still walking away. “How about you ignore me tomorrow too, Mark? Don’t talk to me.”

 Mark felt helpless, watching as Donghyuck walked away quickly without looking back at him. A few tears rolled down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away, trying to collect himself. Lucas was still waiting for him.

 He took a deep breath and blinked back the unshed tears in his eyes, walking slowly to Lucas’s car. His heart felt broken, for lack of a better word. Donghyuck was the stubbornest person he’d ever met - what if he never forgave him? Forget making Donghyuck fall for him, it’d now be a fight to try and get him not to hate him.

 Lucas was uncharacteristically scowling when Mark had the courage to look up at his face. He opened the passenger door for Mark without really saying anything and Mark slid in quickly, hugging his backpack on his lap like it would provide him with some comfort.

 Lucas sat beside him in the driver's seat and closed the door. Mark didn’t even realize he hadn’t started the car for a long minute because he was so focused on not crying in front of his friend.

 “Mark,” Lucas started, almost startling him. Mark looked up and inwardly flinched at the sad look in Lucas’s eyes. He pitied him. “Why are you friends with that kid?”

 Mark shook his head as tears welled up in his eyes all over again. He wiped them away as they fell, looking down at his feet. “We’ve been friends forever,” he responded weakly as though it was a reason. “He’s nice to me sometimes and I -” Mark’s breath hitched and he sobbed a little, pressing his hand to his mouth. He didn’t bother finishing, as Lucas nodded as if he understood.

 “You like him as more than a friend?” Lucas suggested, and Mark burned with embarrassment as he nodded his head. Not only was he crying like a baby, someone now knew his secret of having a crush on Donghyuck.

 “Why?” Lucas asked, as though bewildered. “Mark, you shouldn’t let people be mean to you, you know? Even if you’ve been best friends for a long time, or even if you like them. Don’t you think that’s not fair to you?”

 Mark had never had a serious conversation with Lucas before. He’d never really talked about his feelings with anyone, now that he thought about it. This was all very overwhelming. “I don’t know,” he said softly, wiping at his eyes furiously. “It’s just the way he is.”

 “That’s a bad excuse,” Lucas said dismissively, reaching across Mark and opening the glove box. He passed Mark a small packet of tissues and he thanked him weakly. “You deserve better than that, and I think you know that yourself.”

 Mark sighed, blowing his nose in the tissue he’d just wiped his eyes with before. He felt hollow.

 “I just wanted to see if I could get him to like me back,” he said miserably. “Yeah, he’s a bit bossy and he’s a tease at the best of times but I thought - I mean, I really don’t know why I like him. I just do.” He swallowed, and Lucas was quiet as he waited for him to continue.

 “I guess I’ve always liked him like that and I just never realized it until recently. Maybe that’s why I’ve always put up with him.”

 “ What do you like about him, though?” Lucas asked quietly, finally starting his car.

 Mark sighed, thinking about his answer as the engine turned over and the car lurched forward, rolling them out of the school parking lot.

 “I like him. I like his voice when he talks and when he sings, and that’s why I don’t mind when he talks all the time. I like how warm he always is. I like his soft hair and his brown eyes. He always reminds me of honey when I look at him because we used to eat it all the time when we were kids. His Dad keeps bees, you know.” He paused, running a hand through his hair. “His skin always reminds me of honey, or gold or something magical. It’s like he glows from the inside out - like sunshine is stuck inside of him. I like his personality most of the time. He’s always happy, always laughing. He knows how to talk to people and make them laugh too. He loves being outside, he always comes up with the best ideas. He-” Mark paused, slouching in his seat as Lucas started chuckling.

 “Oh, Mark.” He said sadly. “You’re whipped.”

***

 He and Lucas had fun after that - they played video games at Lucas’ house and ordered pizza for dinner. When he finally drove him home, he told him meaningfully to ‘really think about what he did next.’

 So Mark did. He didn’t sleep at all that night because he thought so long and hard about how he could sort out this mess he’d made. Ignoring Donghyuck like he’d told him too wasn’t an option; Mark knew it would only serve to make him angrier, and he didn’t want him to be so angry that he didn’t want to be his friend anymore. He needed Donghyuck to forgive him, he just wasn’t sure what to do to make it happen.

 Eventually, he decided he’d just go back to his plan before the stupid idea of ignoring him. He’d do whatever he could to soften Donghyuck’s edges, and he knew exactly where to start.

 Donghyuck loved the garden in Mark’s backyard. His mom grew all sorts of beautiful flowers, and sometimes when they were kids Donghyuck would come over to help her tend to them. Wouldn’t Donghyuck like it if Mark gave him some flowers from the garden? They weren’t allowed to pick them and they both knew that, but Mark would worry about his Mom getting angry later.

 He snuck out late at night to go to the backyard and pick some flowers - he picked one for every flower they had and stuck the big fat yellow carnation right in the middle because yellow reminded him of Donghyuck.

 He made the bunch of flowers as pretty as he could and tied them together with a piece of string. He went back to thinking after that, wondering what else he could do to win Donghyuck back. He had many ideas, but before he could settle on any them, his alarm went off for school.

 He didn’t have the stomach for breakfast, so he just got dressed and left with the flowers in hand. He hurried past his mother in the kitchen and out the door so she wouldn’t see the stolen flowers in his hands or the dark circles beneath his eyes.

 He fiddled with the bouquet as he walked down his driveway, moving a few of the flowers around so they were perfectly presented. When he finally looked up, he was startled to see that Donghyuck wasn’t waiting on his porch like usual - he was already walking down the sidewalk with his head bent down looking at his phone.

 Well, Mark should have at least seen that coming. He took off running, holding the flowers tight to his chest and calling out Donghyuck’s name when he got close enough.

 Donghyuck looked surprised when Mark appeared beside him. He plucked a headphone out of his ear and Mark watched, stomach twisting, as the surprise turned to annoyance.

 “I told you not to talk to me.” He said sharply, turning his head and picking up his pace.

 “I know,” Mark said breathlessly. “We’re best friends though, Hyuck. You can’t stay mad at me forever.”

 That was brave for Mark, but Donghyuck just scoffed, moving to put the earphone back in when Mark held out the flowers for him to take. “I got these for you.” He said quickly. He’d never seen Donghyuck look as bewildered and confused as he did at that moment. “From my Mom’s garden, because I know you like them.”

 Donghyuck’s pace slowed, glancing slowly from Mark, to the flowers, to Mark again. Mark wiggled the flowers encouragingly in his hand. and swelled with happiness as Donghyuck took them from him.

 The happiness was short-lived, however, when Donghyuck pulled back his arm and threw the flowers out into the middle of the street. Mere seconds passed before a car drove by and squashed them flat, both boys looking on with very different facial expressions as the car drove away and the tired spread the flowers a few feet up the road.

 Mark looked at Donghyuck in disbelief, feeling his heart throb in his chest. “Don’t talk to me,” was all Donghyuck said, putting his earphone back in and walking away with a stunned Mark in his tracks.

 Mark swallowed hard to be rid of the lump in his throat and tried to gather his pride, looking back at the squashed mess of colour in the middle of the road. Okay, he thought, slowly starting to walk a few feet behind Donghyuck. He’d just have to try harder.

 He didn’t have an opportunity to talk and see Donghyuck in the morning; he didn’t dare follow him when he went to meet the boys, and he also didn’t dare try and find Lucas. He sat alone in his homeroom before it started, looking solemn and trying to think up something else he could do that would please Donghyuck.

 When the last period before lunch rolled around, Mark was feeling queasy as he walked straight past the class he was supposed to be in. He’d never skipped a class before - not even Donghyuck could make him no matter how many times he’d prodded and pressured him to do so. He was red as a beet as he walked straight past the administration and to the front door, opening it and stepping outside.

 There was a bakery not far from the school where Donghyuck liked to go. He’d been there lots of times since they were kids and Donghyuck’s mom brought them when she picked them up for school. All his life, Donghyuck ordered the exact same thing, and Mark knew there’s no way he would turn it down because it was his absolute favourite.

 The bakery was kind of expensive, so Mark grew nervous and was counting every last nickel and dime as he waited to place his order. He ended having just enough for what he wanted - the oreo cupcake with the cream in the middle.

 He walked back to school with the teal coloured box in his hands, shaking slightly as he thought about getting caught for not going to class. He’d say he was feeling sick and was in the bathroom, but that didn’t help to ease his anxiety in the slightest, especially as he was anticipating seeing Donghyuck again when he’d made it very clear he didn’t want to speak to him.

 He thought about giving up and eating the cupcake himself as he stepped into the school courtyard. It was a particularly sunny day, although Mark would have spotted Donghyuck gleaming like a beacon even on the dullest, greyest day of the year. His anxiety increased tenfold when he realized he’d not only have to walk up to Donghyuck, but also Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun.

 He spotted Lucas as he started walking on wobbly knees toward their table, and was bolstered slightly by his encouraging smile. He knew Lucas would be watching what happened next, and that he’d rescue him if Donghyuck got especially mean. Mark felt silly for thinking that way as he neared the table and Renjun spotted him first. Why would he ever need rescuing from Donghyuck?

 He was startled when Renjun gave him a look full of pity and mouthed “don’t”, looking at the box in his hands. Renjun had always been so nice to Mark, and he was also the only one who would ever put Donghyuck in his place.

 Mark wouldn’t be deterred, though. Renjun looked away from him as he reached the table and cleared his throat to get Donghyuck’s attention like he couldn’t bear to see what happened next.

 Jeno and Jaemin looked up at him and Donghyuck turned around. He must have looked pathetic, standing there trembling and wide-eyed with a pastel cake box in his hands. Once Donghyuck registered that it was him, he looked at him like he was stupid.

 “What do you want?” He said venomously. “How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone?”

 “I’m s-sorry,” he said, taking a deep breath. People were starting to take notice of them, and Mark could feel his chest growing tight and his eyes getting hot.

 “I don’t care,” was all Donghyuck could think to say, seemingly not caring about the people looking at them. The other three boys shifted uncomfortably and Jeno, softly, said “Hyuck..”

 “I got this for you,” Mark choked out, chewing furiously on his cheek as he tried to hold back embarrassed tears. The tables around them were now completely silent, looking on awkwardly as the situation unfolded. “I-It’s your favourite. The oreo one.”

 Donghyuck blinked up at him, and Mark noticed that his ears were turning red beneath his ear. He seemed to be affected by the attention as well now, unsure what to do with all eyes on him.

 He grabbed the box from Mark’s hands and Mark breathed a sigh of relief, watching as Donghyuck opened it and regarded it for a moment. Everyone watched with bated breath, and Mark was just starting to feel relieved when Donghyuck thrust his hand inside and grabbed the cupcake, pulling it out and throwing it like it was garbage.

 Mark flinched, watching as the cupcake went a few feet and landed in the dirt, rolling for a moment until its icing was decorated with dirt and grass.

 Mark looked back at Donghyuck, not able to stop himself from crying now. Two tears rolled down his cheeks and he could only hope that no one had seen them fall before he wiped them away. Donghyuck looked at him with some pity but Mark knew that he was being crushed beneath the weight of his own pride and he didn’t really care. Speaking lowly, he said; “stop sucking up and acting like a pathetic little bitch and just leave me alone.”

    “Hyuck,” Jaemin hissed beneath his breath, looking up at Mark’s crumbling expression with wide eyes. Mark didn’t stick around a second longer, turning on his heel and walking out of the courtyard, hoping that maybe it wouldn't attract as much attention as running. When he got closer to the door, though, his legs sped up on their own and he ran inside, making his way toward the boys' bathroom that was closest.

 He didn’t break down until he was safely inside with the stall door locked, thumping down on top of the closed toilet and curling up into a ball, his hands held securely over his mouth so the sobs that wracked his body couldn’t be heard. There was no one inside anyway, Mark realized as he did a very poor job muffling his loud cries. It was the only way he could try and ease the enormous pressure in his chest, tears streaming down his face and sticking to his jaw and his neck.

 He wasn’t alone for very long, though. The bathroom door opened and heavy footsteps sounded on the tile. “Mark?” Came Lucas’ voice, sounding thick with worry. The footsteps drew closer until they were directly outside the stall Mark was in, and Lucas sighed when he heard the onslaught of sobs that Mark couldn’t seem to stop no matter how hard he tried.

 “Will you open the door?” Lucas asked softly, the plastic creaking slightly as he tried the handle and then rested his weight on it.

 “N-N-No,” Mark responded, barely able to get the words out before he continued to cry loudly, clutching his chest instead of bothering to cover his mouth. He had never felt so humiliated in his life - he could just picture all the people in the courtyard laughing at him. Crying like a baby in front of his friend would only make him feel even more embarrassed.

 “You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Lucas said firmly. “That was horrible. You have every right to be upset right now. That kid is lucky I don’t -” He was cut off by the sound of the bathroom door creaking open and Mark slapped his hands over his mouth, eyes widening as Lucas bit “what are you doing here?”

 Mark relaxed when he heard Renjun speak. “Calm down. I’m here to help him. Is he in there?”

 “Yes,” Lucas responded. “He won’t open the door.”

 Mark let himself cry again and he heard Renjun sigh heavily, his light footsteps growing closer until his shadow stretched over the stall floor beside Lucas’s. “Mark,” he said gently. “Open the door, it’s okay.”

 Mark shook his head furiously although neither boy could see him, making a small sound of protest because he didn’t trust his voice.

 “Hyuck doesn’t hate you,” Renjun assured him shakily. “You know what he’s like more than anyone - he just can’t admit that he’s wrong, and he’s lashing out.”

 This didn’t make Mark feel better, because he knew how long Donghyuck’s temper tantrums could last.

 “What a brat,” Lucas murmured. “Mark, I really don’t get how you could have feelings for him when he treats you like -”

 All three boys froze, and Mark’s heart sank like a stone. “Shit,” Lucas swore. “I mean - I meant I don’t know how you could be friends with him.”

 “Mark,” Renjun said, the softest he had ever heard him speak. “Please open the door.”

 “No,” Mark said hoarsely. He was so fed up he couldn’t even cry anymore. His chest felt like it’d been damaged and now he’d just hurt forever and ever.

 “If you don’t, I’ll just crawl underneath,” Renjun threatened, laughing softly.

 Mark huffed in annoyance and stood up weakly to turn the lock on the stall. He pulled it back slowly and felt humiliated all over again when he saw his two friends staring at him with big, sad eyes. Tears welled up in his eyes and he felt his bottom lip shake. Renjun’s eyes turned glassy like he was about to cry himself, and before anyone could say anything, he moved forward and wrapped his arms around Mark’s neck.

 Mark was frozen for a second - Renjun was the least touchy out of all his friends, and he was sure he’d never hugged him before.

 Mark carefully wrapped his arms around Renjun’s back and quivered, trying to leech off the other boy's warmth like it would take away some of his pain. Letting go of his pride, he squeezed Renjun as tight as he could and buried his face into his shoulder so he could cry into the grey fabric.

 Renjun swayed slightly on his feet and Mark only got more choked up when he felt Lucas’ large hand brushed through the hair at the back of his head. They were both murmuring small words of comfort to him here and there, and Mark wasn’t sure when he stopped crying until he felt sleepy and Renjun pulled away, wiping at his face with his hands.

 Suddenly, Mark realized something he should have a long time ago - friends were supposed to heal you, not hurt you. Something changed inside him; suddenly, he understood.

 “Will you drive him home?” He looked up at Lucas, “he should go home.”

 “Of course,” he agreed, hesitantly removing his hand from the back of Mark’s head. Mark felt cold once their touch was completely taken away. “Are you hungry? I can take you to eat first.”

 Mark shook his head, smiling weakly. “No, thank you.”

 “Okay,” he said, placing a hand on his back. “Do you need anything from your locker?”

 He bobbed his head, feeling more like a small child than someone who was the same age as Lucas and older than Renjun.

 “I’ll get it for you,” Renjun offered, handing him a tissue. “Just go wait in the car, I will bring it down.”

 Mark told Renjun what he needed for the weekend and went out to Lucas’ car, sitting in the passenger seat and feeling tinier than he ever had before. Lucas put on the radio station that Mark had told him he liked before, and they both sat back in comfortable (although painful, because every now and then a sob would rise up from Mark’s chest) silence while they waited for Renjun.

 He appeared soon enough, handing Mark his backpack through the open window and assuring him all the books he’d asked for were inside. “Listen,” he said seriously. “I’m going to talk to Donghyuck. He’s going to know he can’t treat you this way.”

 Mark nodded meekly, thinking about how that conversation would go between the two boys. It would be a short one, he was sure.

 “Bye,” Renjun said softly. “Get a lot of rest, okay? Everything will be okay.”

 Mark nodded and bid him goodbye with a small smile. He and Lucas’ said goodbye to each other and Mark watched as Renjun walked away, hearing the now familiar jingle of Lucas fiddling with his keys followed by the roar of the engine starting up.

 Mark swallowed when he arrived home and saw his Mom’s car in the driveway. Mark hadn’t left school early without her permission before; he should have asked first.

 “Thank you,” he said softly to Lucas, who switched off the radio. He didn’t unlock the doors, and Mark looked at him expectantly. He looked very troubled.

 “Mark,” he started, sounding unsure of himself. “This might be a stupid question but - do you have still like Donghyuck? Even after that? After all of this mess?”

 Mark sank back into the seat for a second, staring numbly at the front of his house. He thought of Donghyuck’s eyes, of the days where he’d make him laugh til he couldn’t breathe. He thought of sleepovers full of giggling and ghost stories and, finally, he thought of that same image of Donghyuck that came back to him in his dreams even after all these years; Donghyuck, waiting to be kissed by Mark with his skin sparkling in the dusk, lying still in the grass with a halo of dandelions pooled around his head like an angel.

 “Yes,” he said miserably. “I still do.”

 Lucas unlocked the doors.

 They said goodbye and Mark watched from the porch as he drove away, his car growing smaller and smaller until it disappeared. At least, in all this, Mark had something he wasn’t sure he ever truly had; a friend.

 With a sigh, he got up and opened the front door to his house, preparing to be chewed out by his Mother. Somehow, the thought of it made all the feelings inside him well up all over again, and he could feel his face growing hot and tears pooling in his eyes. This day felt like it would never end.

 She spotted him immediately, as she was moving back and forth in the hall to carry towels from the laundry room to her own bedroom.

 “Mark Lee,” she bit, stern although she sounded surprised. “Why aren’t you at school?”

 She started marching down the hallway but paused when she saw his face - he didn’t even want to think of what a mess he must have looked. Crying, pale and black beneath the eyes from exhaustion. “What’s the matter?”

 He tried to think of something to say but his voice failed him, his bottom lip doing the telltale tremble yet again. He couldn’t believe he had more tears after all the crying he’d just done, but he felt them spill from his eyes and streak down his face.

 “Mom,” was all he could choke out before his voice broke and his composure did, too, hunching over and starting to cry once again. She rushed toward him and took his face in her hands, thumbing away his tears and frantically asking him what happened, was he hurt, was he sick?

 He shook his head for every question, and eventually, his mom gave up and just wrapped her arms around her son, shushing him as he cried and cried. He didn’t know how long he cried, but at some point his mom pulled away and wiped at his face with a worried expression on her own, leading him back toward his bedroom and tucking him into bed like he was a little kid.

 She sat with him for some time, continuing to try and console him by carding her fingers through his dark hair and telling him everything would be okay, and he just needed to get some rest because he was too tired.

 Eventually, he felt himself drifting off and he no longer had the energy to keep himself awake, falling asleep with the image of Donghyuck wearing a halo of daisies and the ghost of his warm lips on his own, lingering from life into dreams, where he dreamed that they were still kids playing in the enchanted forest.

  ***

 Two months passed.

 Mark had been terrified to go back to school once the weekend was over, but his mom told him he would have too, and it would be like tearing off a band-aid. Her words proved to be true, because when he stepped outside to go to school on Monday morning, Lucas was waiting outside with Dejun in the passenger side and Kunhang in the back, all smiling at him brightly.

 It was easy to avoid Donghyuck. They had no classes together and he and his new friends started eating inside instead of in the courtyard. It was so easy, in fact, that Mark didn’t even see him until an entire week and a half had passed. He supposed Donghyuck had been avoiding him, too.

 When he did finally see the other boy again, it was fleeting. He was going to the bathroom during class and Donghyuck came out as he went in, narrowly avoiding touching each other and avoiding eye contact.

 It breaks Mark’s heart all over again to see the boy he loves act like he doesn’t even know him. He doesn’t go back to class, opting instead to cry in the bathroom stall until he hears the lunch bell ring, emerging like nothing ever happened.

 Two months - two whole months go by and not a word between Mark or Donghyuck. He still speaks with Jeno and Jaemin and of course, Renjun, but never while Donghyuck is around.

 Two months pass, and the next time Mark sees Donghyuck he is standing in his bedroom door at three in the morning.

 Mark grunts in annoyance at the sudden onslaught of bright light filling his room, but immediately freezes when he sees that it is Donghyuck standing in the doorway, his hand slowly moving away from the light switch. He is wearing a yellow shirt and a pair of basketball shorts, his pillow clutched beneath his arm. His hair is a ruffled mess atop his head, and he is squinting like he hasn’t slept at all.

 Mark, confused, looks just above Donghyuck to the clock by the door telling him it is exactly 3:24 am.

 “My Dad’s new bees got loose in the house,” Donghyuck’s raspy voice startles him. “All one hundred of them. Your mom said we could stay the night here because people are coming to help my Dad clean them up in the morning.”

 “Oh,” Mark says dumbly, half convinced that this is a really weird dream he’s having. All he can think to say next is, “why were the bees in the house?”

 Donghyuck sighs and steps inside, closing the bedroom door behind him with a soft click. “My Dad actually forgot to bring them to the shed. Imagine that? A hundred bees.”

 They both chuckled softly and then the room was overcome by awkwardness. “I’ll uh, sleep on the floor,” he offers quickly, getting up out of bed. Donghyuck shifts on his feet, unsure of himself before he nods and goes to sit cross-legged on Mark’s bed, watching as he opens some drawers and pulls out a spare blanket to use on the floor.

 Mark spreads out the blanket and gets another one to cover himself with, taking his pillow off the bed and laying it atop the makeshift bed. He is all too aware of Donghyuck’s eyes following his every movement, and he hopes he doesn’t let on how nervous it’s making him.

 “Well,” Mark says, standing by the door. He looks at Donghyuck and almost forgets how to speak, or even breathe. He is looking at him with big, soft eyes, sitting cross-legged with his pillow hugged to his chest. A strand of hair sticks up from the crown of his head and makes him look like a little sprout. “Goodnight.”

 “Goodnight,” Donghyuck mumbles back. The room is washed in darkness as Mark flicks the light off, and the only sign of Donghyuck being there is from the ruffle of the bed sheets as he gets situated.

 Mark is not all that excited for the pain that’ll be in his shoulders when he wakes, but he settles down on the floor anyway. He listens to the sound of Donghyuck breathing behind him and closes his eyes. He tries to convince himself it doesn’t hurt.

 Mark counts the seconds before Donghyuck’s steady breathing is interrupted by a soft sigh, and the lamp on his bedside table is switched on. “Mark,” Donghyuck says as the boy in question sits up, running a hand through his hair and sighing.

 Donghyuck’s eyebrows are furrowed, but in something that looks foreign to Mark on his face - pain.

 “You don’t have to sleep on the floor,” he says meekly. “We’ve shared a bed a hundred times.”

 Mark just looks at him for a second, and even he is surprised by the firmness in his voice when he immediately responds, “I want to sleep on the floor.”

 Sharing a bed with Donghyuck would be too much - way, way too much. The warmth and the softness of his body are the greatest temptation of all, especially compared to sleeping on the floor, but he won’t let himself be tricked so easily. Not when he knows where they stand; not when all he’s thought about these past few weeks without him is how much better off he is.

 He turns around and is about to settle back down when Donghyuck says his name again. Something about the way his voice wavers makes Mark soften despite himself, and when he turns around he can hardly resist the sad look in the other boy’s eyes. The lava lamp isn’t offering a lot of light, but it drowns Donghyuck’s features in a heavy blue light that makes him look like a gemstone, glittering underneath blue waves.

 “I don’t want to fight anymore,” he says, and Mark catches the way his fists curl around handfuls of Mark’s blue duvet. “Can we please be friends again?”

 Mark stares at Donghyuck’s hand, thinking of what to do next. “Hyuck,” he starts weakly, running a hand over his face.

 No, they can’t be friends again. They can’t be friends again because Mark doesn’t want to be friends. He’s in love with him for God knows why and as much as he wants too, he can’t pretend like he isn’t and just to go back to the way things were.

 “There’s something I have to tell you.”

 His stomach rolls with nausea - the words are out, and he can’t take them back. Donghyuck just shakes his head, his eyes wide and deceivingly innocent. “Okay, what is it?”

 Mark thinks of a thousand ways he could tell Donghyuck how he feels - he’s thought of it a million times since this all started, and he could never settle on what the right thing to say would be. I love you? I’m in love with you? I like you as more than a friend? I’ve been thinking about kissing you since we were kids and there’s nothing I want more than to kiss you again?

 He takes a deep breath as he ponders that last one for a half a moment. He’s driven half-mad by everything; his own thoughts, Donghyuck’s face and the overwhelming feeling of being alone with him after being apart for so long. He decides that words just aren’t enough.

 Bravely, he looks to Donghyuck’s face and the younger boy is still looking at him with wide eyes. Even in the blue light, Mark can see the honey colour of his skin, entranced by how soft and kissable he looks.

 Mark isn’t sure of his actions as he takes them. He isn’t sure what he wants when he starts, but he knows what he’ll get. First, he is kneeling up so he is level with Donghyuck’s face, those big brown eyes flashing with confusion. Then, he is leaning forward, slotting himself between Donghyuck’s legs. He takes his face in his and then before either of them can process what is happening, he is kissing him.

 Donghyuck’s lips are as soft as they look and the kiss is as warm as Mark remembers it being. Mark is thrust back into a memory - feeling the heat of the summer sun on his back and the tickling of the daisies at his knees where he kneels at Donghyuck’s side.

 Donghyuck never kissed him back. He never kissed him back, and he doesn’t know.

 Mark thinks of all the times Donghyuck never kissed him back although it was his idea to kiss in the first place. He thinks of all the times Donghyuck made him do things he didn’t want to do; when he pushed him in the creek and he scraped his legs, the playground rocks he used to throw at him.

 He thinks further. He thinks of all the times he watched the other boys play because Donghyuck said he wasn’t good at the game. He thinks of all the times Donghyuck told him to do things and he just did them, without questioning or protesting. Mark thinks of all the times he bit his tongue and let Donghyuck hurt him however way he wanted. He thinks of all these years of chasing after a boy who didn’t even want him. He thinks of how Donghyuck doesn’t want him now. He thinks of how the only reason Mark ever stayed by his side was not because he wanted too, but because he was terrified of the empty place in his life and his heart where only Donghyuck had ever occupied, because despite Donghyuck not wanting him back, he had never allowed Mark to want anyone else, either.

 Mark pulls away the second he realizes what he’s done, horrified at his actions. The horror grows, rearing back it’s ugly head like a wide beast and he sits back and watches as Donghyuck’s eyes slowly flutter open, big and filled with confusion, fear, and tears.

 Mark is driven by a force he cannot name at that moment, fueled by the thoughts of all the suffering he’s had at the hands of this boy - this beautiful, beautiful boy, who has him wrapped around his finger even now. He hears the ticking of the clock behind him like a bomb about to go off and watches the blue light from the lava lamp glinting in the tear that rolls down Donghyuck’s cheek.

 “Do you remember that story you told me?” Mark says furiously, breathless and nearly delirious with anger and frustration and heartbreak and love but most importantly, understand. Finally, finally, after all these years, Mark knows where he stands with Donghyuck. Finally, he sees that no matter how much he might want him, he doesn’t need him. “The one about the bee you saw that drowned in honey?”

 Donghyuck nods numbly, not bothering to wipe at his eyes. Another tear falls.

 “That’s me, Hyuck. I’m the bee, and you’re the honey, you - you bastard.” Mark gets out through gritted teeth, tears pooling in his own eyes. Donghyuck’s lips are parted, a desperate look in his eyes as Mark gets to his feet. “All I ever wanted was to love you, but you killed me. Over and over and over again. All this time, all these years and all you have ever done is destroy me.”

 “I love you,” Mark breathes, shrugging his shoulders. “But I’ve learned something.”

 “Nothing you say next could be good enough to fix this,” Mark says bitterly, watching as more tears fall down Donghyuck’s face. “Not even you telling me you love me - which you don’t, do you?”

 Donghyuck swallows thickly, his adam’s apple bobbing and his face crumbling. He shakes his head from side to side. No.

  “Right,” Mark laughs humorlessly. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You know what though, Hyuck?”

 Donghyuck still doesn’t speak, and he is frozen as his best friend crouches to his height. His voice is hoarse, and angry tears spill from his eyes.

 “You don’t deserve to love me.”

 Mark isn’t sure if he means it. He is only sure that it lights a fire in his veins. He is thrumming with electricity. All those times he bit his tongue and forced himself to just accept the way things were so he wouldn’t be alone. Now, he is tired.

 “Mark,” Donghyuck whimpers, a sob shaking his body. “I’m - I’m sorry -”

 “Don’t,” Mark bites, gathering his blanket and pillow from the floor. “Don’t, Hyuck. Whether you’re really sorry or not, it’s too late.”

 Mark takes one long, last look at Donghyuck. He looks so tiny, his hands shaking in his lap and his shoulders shaking with sobs. His eyes are red and tear tracks stain his honey-coloured skin.

 Mark finds he doesn’t have an appetite for honey anymore. It is sickly - too sweet. He understands how bees might drown drinking from it, and he wonders vaguely if a bee has ever gotten tired of tasting the thing it loves so much.

 “I will sleep on the couch.”

 He hears his name called feebly as he storms out of the room, but he isn’t listening. The door closes beside him and he walks down the hall into the dark living room. When he reaches the couch, his legs all but give out from beneath him and he starts to sob.

  God, it hurts. It hurts more than anything Donghyuck had ever done to him combined. The image of Donghyuck alone in his room curled up in his bed and sobbing. Realizing where his own actions had gotten him.

 Mark can only hope that Donghyuck learns his lesson.

 He lies on the couch as the sun starts to rise. Somehow, he knows Donghyuck sees it too, awake in his bedroom with sore eyes and a lifetime to sort through and think about, reflecting on every single thing he’d ever done wrong.

 All at once, in two different kinds of agony on opposite sides of the house, they both understood the same unwritten meaning of Donghyuck’s story about the bee.

 Neither of the boys ever think of honey the same again.