Chapter Text
Magnus strode quickly across the room, barely sparing a backwards glance towards a peacefully sleeping Alec; he knew if he dared to look at the Shadowhunter, then the smile he had plastered on his face would falter, and his resolve to fill every second of the day would flit away.
Instead he rolled his shoulders back, took a deep breath, and all but ripped the curtains open with a finesse so grand it made him feel somewhat like himself. Then he spun around to face a now very much awake and bleary eyed Alec.
“Come on, Pup, time to rise and face the day.” Magnus wasn’t too sure about the pet name, it felt foreign on his lips, but he’d heard it on a particularly rubbish mundane program earlier that morning; the kind of sitcom that was so past it’s sell by date that it was only shown at three in the morning. It must have stuck in his mind.
It seemed that Alec also felt the pet name was rather strange, as his eyebrows quickly became pinched in confusion and vague disgust at the name, “Pup?”
“Panda?” Magnus tried again, which admittedly was just as bad, but he supposed it was worth saying, as Alec’s face scrunched up even further.
Alec winced, his brain not ready to process the bizarre names,“No.”
“Oh, okay.” Magnus hummed and briskly left the room, leaving behind a dazed Alec.
Alec pulled the covers back over himself, unhappy at the light streaming through the window, “Why is it so early?”
Magnus came back into the room and placed a tray down at the foot of the bed, and kept his eye trained to the floor. He didn’t want to say why he was awake so early, he felt like it was needless to worry Alec, what with everything else going on, but he couldn’t help the words falling from his mouth. Even if his explanation was weak at best, Magus mused it would be enough to sedate Alec’s questioning about his well being. Magnus couldn’t handle anymore questions, or worried glances, or soft touches. It was only so long before he would crack and he didn’t want Alec to see that, let alone deal with it. Magnus wasn’t worth the time. “Oh, with everything going on, sleep has been a bit of a struggle.”
Alec’s head popped up from where it was leaning on the pillow, and his heart skipped a terrifying beat at the explanation. As his eyes briefly assessed the scene before him, Magnus’ behaviour was far to lax, even his tone, calm and soft was causing Alec’s stomach to turn.But he made the snap decision to squash it, poking for answers now would be like setting off a wave of motions, the only result being Magnus building his walls higher and painting his smile brighter. So Alec changed the subject; all in the matter of a split second, “Why are you dressed?”
Magnus silently thanked the angels for Alec’s apparent change of subject from his sleeping patterns and launched into his story. Of course he missed out the parts that were less than desirable.
He didn’t mention how he’d left their shared bed at two in the morning after tossing and turning for what felt like several hours.
He didn’t explain the anguish he felt when his feet hit the cold hard floor, and how his feet felt like dead bricks. He skipped the part where he’d snapped his fingers and expect to find his fluffy slippers on his feet, only to realise that he couldn’t do that anymore, and that he’d have to drag himself over to the wardrobe instead.
He most certainly didn’t divulge how he’d sat vacant in front of the television, barely blinking, before hauling himself up to head out for a walk. He didn’t explain, either, how he’d wandered the streets of New York before realising it was Alec’s day off.
And he didn’t dare tell of how he’d selfishly thought of buying ingredients for breakfast just so he could try and prove that he was capable of living a life without magic. Just to prove that to Alec that he was alright. He was always trying to prove that he was okay, whether or not he was trying so desperately to show that to Alec or himself, he wasn’t too sure. Truth is, Magnus wasn’t quite sure what he was doing anymore, but he didn’t have the heart to tell anyone, it would be unfair to draw attention to himself when more important tragedies were occurring.
He didn’t tell Alec of how the woman at the fruit stand he’d visited offered him part of her breakfast pastry because she thought he looked pale and, ‘needed some more meat on his bones’, before he worried himself to death.
It was small things, that no other person ever had to worry about, that had sent Magnus into a spiral. He couldn’t fathom squeezing oranges to make juice without the tingling of magic coursing through his veins.
Somewhere along the way, Magnus felt like he’d become dependant on his magic, he’d taken it for granted, and now that is was ripped away, he’d have to suffer. It seemed ridiculous to complain about having to do things the mundane way, but it was so much more than that. Magnus couldn’t put it into words, so he didn’t.
He didn’t tell Alec anything.
Instead he twisted a happy tale, and made little jokes, praying that Alec would just play along for now, but they could both see how tight his smile was. “I had to get up to go to the farmers market before dawn to get ingredients for our breakfast, which admittedly is less than perfect. But do you know how many oranges are required to make a glass of juice? More than I bought. I use to have magic to do all of these little errands, but I have to admit their is a certain charm to doing things the mundane way.”
Alec smiled tiredly back up at Magnus, listening intently to his voice, wondering silently what he’d missed, “Is today a special occasion?”
Magnus sat on the edge of the bed, and pushed the tray towards Alec, “It’s your day off, and I want to make the most of it.”
Alec pursed his lips, and tried to think of something to say, but words eluded him. He nodded his head a little, his eyes taking in the breakfast before him, “That’s actually really sweet.”
But the brief distraction couldn’t stop the worry edging closer in his mind. He leant in for a kiss, offering affection and comfort in a way that he couldn’t say out loud, he’d tried, of course to use his words before, but it had gotten him nowhere. Only gentle touches were allowed, but even they were beginning to get rejected as Magnus continued to shut himself down.
Magnus let his lips fall onto Alec’s for only the briefest of moments before he jumped up and turned his back, “I thought so.” He couldn’t only compose himself for so long before he fell into Alec’s warmth, and opened himself up in ways that he wasn’t ready to do. “Drink up, time for our morning exercise.”
Magnus craved to go back into the bedroom, to press his lips against Alec’s and to fall back into one another, but he couldn’t let himself. He couldn’t let himself feel because to feel would let everything in. To feel warmth and love, would mean releasing the anger and sadness within. To love Alec and tell the truth would mean accepting what he had lost. Something Magnus wasn’t able to do.
Magnus, no longer felt important. He was just an insignificant dot, in a universe full of people more important than little old Magnus Bane. He wasn’t magical, or powerful, there was no longer anything special about him, and what a weight that was to bear.
For now he could put up a facade, and try to be himself, to act as though everything was fine, because if he did that, he hoped, at some point, it would start to feel real.