Archive of Our Own

Jake is tired the morning they’re expecting a new detective to join the precinct. He stares at his computer screen, nurses the hot cup of coffee in his hand mindlessly. He doesn’t even look up when the lift dings and the doors open. He doesn’t take much notice to Terry behind him greeting the new detective. Until he hears a horribly familiar name,

“We’re glad to have you here, Detective Sanderson.”

A smooth, low, gentle laugh drags Jake into a sudden awareness of the real world, “Call me James, sir.”

Jake hadn’t been drinking his coffee at that precise moment, which is a relief because he’d have drenched the computer in front of him if he had been. He feels suddenly awake and he can’t control the way his head snaps round, looks over to meet the new detective. Someone who isn’t new to him at all.

He doesn’t say anything for a second. He watches as James shakes the sergeant’s hand. His heart is doing this weird thing in his chest. It feels like his heart is trying to bury itself, dig itself down into a hole and hide because oh my god. He thought he’d never see him again.

James is tall, suddenly. He doesn’t have the same brown fringe that seemed constantly too long. His hair is short, still brown, and his skin is a little more tanned than Jake remembers. His voice is lower. And it’s weird and it makes him sort of giddy. And Jake swears he’s never even seen James in a shirt and tie and he can’t breathe, seeing him like that.

“I’ll show you to your desk.” Terry says, turning James around.

It’s like Jake were a magnet for James’ eyes. They fall on him immediately. And he just stops. There’s a silence and it stills the whole precinct. Jake can feel every eye on him. Even Hitchcock and Scully’s. Which is… disturbing.

“Jake?”

Jake swallows. For once he is all out of sarcastic comebacks. No amount of cools could lessen the fright of this situation. Weakly, he presents a smile. His heart feels like someone’s squeezed it in their palm, wrung it out like a sponge. “James!” He manages eventually.

“You two know each other?” The sergeant asks, glancing between the two detectives.

Jake casts James a look, hopefully one that says I’m not out to them yet so please don’t say anything, and turns from him, over to the sergeant. “Yeah, we were friends in high school.” He replies. He looks back at James again.

This is weird. So weird. He’s not sure how he’s meant to feel right now. When the person that it took about 10 years to get over waltzes back into your life and tears down everything you’ve built around yourself. It was so hard to get over James. It took so long. Everyone reminded him of James. He always thought he’d see him, on the subway, or walking down the street, and then the person would turn around and Jake realises they look nothing like his James at all.

And hell he’d dreamed of this moment. The moment he’d see James Sanderson once again. He dreamt it for years. Whether they’d run into one another’s arms and tell each other they never could ever love anyone else. He must have written 50 different cheesy love films about them in his mind. But this, this never happened in any of them.

Why him? Why James of all people in the whole of America, why did he have to take Amy’s job? The desk Terry was showing him to would be Amy’s too. Would be right opposite Jake. And for god knows how many more years, Jake would have to sit there, staring at his ex. And the only ex that really, really mattered to him.

Jake can’t find it in him to say anything else to James right then. And he’s just looking up at him, wondering if his eyes are still the same up close or not. James seems frozen too. The whole precinct is like at a standstill. Jake feels as though he and James are deer caught in headlights. He’s never found a better use for the phrase until now.

“Well, your desk is the one opposite Peralta.” Terry says eventually, easing away at the tension. But his tone is layered with confusion.

James wanders over, drops his bag by the chair and sits at the seat opposite Jake. He’d be lying, if Jake were to say he didn’t watch his every move as he sat. It’s as if he’s trying to work out if James moves the same way he used to. And that’s silly. Because how could they be different, walking to a chair is walking to a chair, yet at the same time, how could a 37 year old walking to a desk move the same as his 17 year old self.

Jake grips his coffee a little tighter, hisses under his breath and flinches as it burns. He can feel James looking at him, but he doesn’t say anything.

Gradually, the precinct eases back into a hubbub of chatter, and Jake allows himself to steal a glance at James. Only James is looking right back at him.

“Hey.” James says weakly, quietly.

Jake smiles but it feels more like a wince. There’s a little part of his brain reciting a mantra, desperately- don’t start crying, don’t start crying, don’t. start. crying.

“How long have you been working here?” James tries. Jake wishes he wouldn’t.

“Nearly ten years.” He replies. And woah it’s been that long now. When he first started at the 99 he had only just about taped up the cracks in his heart left by James fricking Sanderson. And now he’s come back and ripped the tape from his heart like there is no stick left at all.

“Wow.” James comments. “Got your whole life together huh?”

Jake sips his coffee. It’s scorching hot but he barely notices. “Got a wife now too.” He’s uncertain why he slips it in the conversation so soon. But who knows where James wants them to go.

“Wow.” James smiles and holy shit his dimples look just as they always did when he grins like that, “Who’d have thought you’d be married before me.”

“You haven’t found someone?” Jake asks, since me itches on his tongue but he doesn’t say it out loud. He knows Charles is probably eaves dropping, ready to pounce on them at any second.

“Oh, I have a fiancé actually.” James tells him. There’s a small smile on his face that barely reaches his eyes.

“Oh. Cool.” But it’s for some reason not cool. Jake can feel his heart sink and it shouldn’t, it shouldn’t, but it is. “Cool. Fiancé. Who is he?” He asks quietly, in case anyone is listening and if James isn’t out yet.

“His name is Alex.” James says with a real smile. His cheeks blush lightly, and he avoids Jake’s eyes for the first time since seeing him. “He’s very sweet. And he’s amazing.”

“Noice.” Jake replies. He can feel his heart bumping about in his rib cage. That shouldn’t be normal, surely. “Cool. Cool. I’m glad. My wife is Amy.” He says eventually. He feels slightly calmer, thinking about her, “She’s a sergeant now. You’re actually, taking her old job.”

Of all the people taking Amy Santiago’s job, it would be James Sanderson wouldn’t it?

“Oh.” James laughs again. God his dimples. Jake forgot how pretty James looked. Or maybe he’s grown prettier since he knew him. He shouldn’t be thinking that.

Suddenly, Charles is by his side.

“So who is this friend?” He asks, side glancing at James. “You never told me about a James.”

Jake pulls a face at him, a confused one. “I don’t know any of your high school friends.”

“That’s because there weren’t any, Jake.” Charles replies.

“Oh. Well, that got very sad very quickly, Charles I’m sorry, I just, didn’t feel the need to, it’s nothing. We lost touch when we went to college that’s not weird.”

Although they didn’t just lose touch. Jake felt like he’d lost his everything.

“Right.” Charles turns to James, stares at him, “But Jake is my best friend now. And you can’t steal him back.”

Jake daren’t point out at all that if he were to steal anyone’s place by being here, it’d be Amy’s. But he’s not having that place either. Jake watches James hold his hands up in surrender.

“He’s all yours.” He assures Boyle.

It’s weird, Jake thinks. His voice sounds all the same yet completely different at once. Everything about him is all the same and yet completely different. James is one of the few people Jake has never looked up on facebook or anywhere. He had been sort of scared what he’d find. Scared of seeing him completely different, moving on, living a happy life without him. And now all of that is right in front of him. James, with his weird, no fringe hairstyle, with a fiancé, joining the NYPD like they had both wanted to do when they were younger. He always just assumed James just became a detective in whatever state he ended up studying in (Jake didn’t care to remember which state exactly, too aching to care. James was far away and just how far didn’t matter.) But now he’s back here, somehow. Jake isn’t sure if he wants to know why or not.

When he drifts back out of his thoughts, Boyle’s back at his own desk. And James is smiling softly at him. Jake doesn’t know how that’s supposed to make him feel. But it makes his heart skip a beat.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” James says eventually.

Jake nods shortly, “Me neither.”

He really can’t believe it. He just kind of gave up on ever seeing him again. And after some years he decided that was a good thing. That he could get over him, when he is not there. He told himself he was over James. That he didn’t care anymore. Like when he told Amy a little over a week ago. That felt like letting go of James forever. And here he is, setting his computer up, dumping a notebook on his desk. Edging Jake in again. And god it could be so easy for Jake to just let him. And Jake’s not sure, but a part of him wants that. The part of him still heartbroken in his college dorm, hiding his tears from his roommate. That part of him is desperate for James to just pull him back in. And he can’t let that happen.

A tad dramatically, he stands from his desk. A few people glance his way. He ignores them, heart pounding heavily. He walks over to Charles’ desk.

“Heyyy Charles, any cases you want help with?”

“Actually, I’m just going to go do some surveillance.” Charles replies, “Meeting place for drug dealing.”

“Can I come?”

“Thought you’d want to catch up with your friend.” Charles tells him. If this were any normal old school friend, Jake would find Charles’ jealousy amusing.

“Oh, no I’d rather spend time with you, my buddy, my best friend.” His smile feels forced.

Charles frowns. Looks him up and down. “You’re acting weird, why are you acting weird?”

“What, I’m not. This isn’t weird, why would I be, acting weird?” Jake laughs his way through the last few words, to try and play it down.

Charles looks at him like he doesn’t believe Jake at all. But he nods, “Okay, well, I was going to ask Rosa but if you want to come you can.” He says.

“Great, cool, let’s go!”

The car ride is silent for a long time. There’s just the elephant in the car- James- that Charles seems to sense is a topic Jake doesn’t want to talk about. But it’s on the tip of his tongue and he’s curious. In fact, Jake can almost feel the curiosity bouncing off of Charles’ body as he sits up in his seat.

“Soooo…” Charles starts with. There’s nothing Jake can do but brace himself, really, “James then.”

Jake sighs. He turns the car into a space on the roadside at the street corner where the meeting is supposed to happen. He turns off the engine. The car drifts into a stuffy sort of silence.

“What was he like?”

Jake thinks for a moment. All these things that James was ‘like’ he seemed to have filed in a box and buried it at the bottom of his heart where he thought he’d never have to look at it ever again.

“He was… like me.” Sort of. They were similar. Because they grew up together. And they liked the same movies, same games, same books and had the same aspirations. But James was also tidier than he was. And James cared about exams and school and college and shit and sometimes that meant no afternoon of lazing on his bed, cuddling and stealing soft kisses. And that was kind of annoying. Not always getting to do that. “We got on well, watched die hard, played Crash Bandicoot. Played cop type games in the garden.” They got on great, actually, and if one suggested watching a movie, the other would say Die Hard without hesitating, they played crash bandicoot most evenings until it ended in play fights and play fights ended in pillow fights and pillow fights ended with soft kisses and careful touches. And the cop games were mostly from their younger days, and they were always played in James’ garden because Jake’s garden was tiny, and he hated his house, with the whole dad thing.

“So, why’d you lose contact? If he was so perfect.”

Jake physically winces, and Charles must notice. The summer afternoon when they said goodbye flashes back into his mind like lightning illuminating a darkened path. The tear escaping the corner of James’ eye, the grip on clothes and hands, the way their lips parted somehow in slow motion. The squeaking, shrieking sound of James’ gate singing shut a final time as he left. They flicker through his mind suddenly like flashes. It makes his chest throb.

“He just… went to a far away college.” He shrugs after he says it. Like it meant nothing.

“A friendship that great just gone? Was that the only reason?”

Jake had been staring at the street corner, mindlessly watching out for the drug dealers. But finally he turns and looks at Boyle, leaning his head against the head rest as he does so. He swallows. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Charles with everything. It’s just that it is so hard. He cried for so long when he told Amy and he had tried terribly hard not to. But Charles is looking at him with puppy dog eyes. And god wouldn’t you tell your dog everything?

“I know you were eaves dropping earlier, so did you hear him talk about his fiancé?” Jake begins. This is the slow, gradual build-up of a way to the explanation because coming right out with it makes his stomach lurch and he feels like he actually will be sick.

“Yeah he’s marrying someone called Alex. So?”

“James is gay, right?”

Charles gasps a little, like he thinks he’s worked it out, “So he fell in love with you, you didn’t feel the same, so he ran to the other side of the country?”

“What? No.” Jake glances at the street corner. Still no one. He sighs, “I mean, yes, James, was… in love with me.” God saying it out loud to someone that isn’t his own reflection feels insane. “But… I did feel the same way.”

Charles is suddenly quiet. Which never happens. Jake realises he is looking at his lap now, so he can’t see Charles’ reaction either. He glances over,

“I’m bi.” He explains.

“Oh. Jake, that’s, that’s great, buddy, really great. I-”

Jake forces a small, soft laugh, “I don’t need a speech, alright? I know I should have told everyone sooner but I just, I’d come so far without saying it, it became harder and harder to bring up.”

“Until your ex turns up at your job?”

Jake nods. “Yeah.”

“So what happened with you two? You broke up because of college?”

This is the worst. Talking about this. The break up specifically. It’s just that it had been so out of the blue. Unexpected. Jake didn’t wake up that morning with any idea he was going to be single and heartbroken by 4pm. No idea. And it aches to think about it.

“Yeah, he, didn’t want us to break up however soon after college because long distance didn’t work. Which he was certain it wouldn’t have. Or that eventually, we’d have broken up and he didn’t want it to end with no love left between us.” Jake just shrugs again. Shrugs it all off, the conversation, the feelings of That Day, the words James said to him lying on the hammock in his back garden. He shrugs it all away. “I never thought I’d see him again, you know, I gave up on the idea. And now…”

“But you’re over him, right? Because Amy- oh my god does Amy know you’re bi?”

Jake looks at Charles and smiles, nods, “I told her a little over a week ago actually, quite a coincidence that James rocks up so soon after.”

“Does anyone else know?”

Jake shakes his head, “Well, except James and this one other guy I went on one awkward date with, yeah, it’s just you and Amy.”

Charles is smiling at him so weirdly. His eyes are glassy. He kind of looks like how Jake would imagine a proud father may look.

Jake glances at the street corner. The drug dealer’s there.

On the way back to the precinct, in the lift on the way up, he tells himself he is not going to look at James. He’s going to look away, stare at Charles’ desk. Or Rosa’s. Or he’ll stare at the floor. And if he has to he’ll stare at Hitchcock and Scully’s desk, and try and work out what they’ve been eating based on the crumbs strewn across their desks.

But the moment the lift doors open it’s too late. He’s already staring right at him. James hasn’t noticed him though. The precinct is busy. No one glances at him, or Charles or the perp between them as they enter. Charles takes the perp to the holding cell. And Jake is just half frozen. Holt is talking to James at his desk. He doesn’t know what to do.

Charles pokes him in the side.

“You okay there buddy?” He asks. He glances to where Jake is looking. Jake can see his eyes sort of soften in realisation. “You gonna do that every time you enter the precinct for the next however many years?”

Jake shrugs. Finally, he is drawn back into the real world. With the rush of cops passing him, flurries of paper work, noise of working and talking.

“I don’t know, Charles.” And he doesn’t. He just, he can’t believe James is here, it just makes his heart lurch. It’s not like he thought this whole situation was imaginary on the way back but well… maybe he kind of hoped it was. Then he’d be insane but not confused.

But he is so confused. He doesn’t know what he wants. What he feels. What James feels.

Holt stands from James desk across the room and shakes James’ hand. James stands too. Holt is heading over to them.

“Charles, I can’t be here.”

God, he’s weak. Pathetic. He hurries away, down the corridor past Hitchcock and Scully’s desks. Neither are there at the moment, probably napping. It’s a little bit of a blurred, subconscious walk until he finds himself in the evidence room. He leans against some boxes with both hands. Closes his eyes, exhales.

His heart is beating. It’s oddly quiet in the evidence room, and it makes his heart thud extra loudly. He can hear it and it’s like it’s rattling the boxes he leans against. But of course it’s not actually. He feels stupid, pushes himself away from the crates, paces the room a little.

It’s not like he can hide in here forever. He has to face him. James. Grown up, adult James that could be completely different to teenage James. James could have been right the whole time. Perhaps they’ve both changed so much they’ll never get along again.

That’s impossible.

But is that just the small little tug in his heart hoping 17-year-old him is right and they could have been in love this whole time.

God. It’s all so inconclusive. There’s no way of knowing if they’d have stayed happy together.

God. Imagine what life would be like now if they never broke up. Would they still be in love? Would he have never liked Amy at all?

It’s all weird, weird, weird.

He wonders how alternative universe Jake and James are doing. The ones in the universe where they stayed together.

Alone in the evidence room, it’s not too hard to admit he wants to be a part of that universe right now.

Only because it’s confusing as hell in this one.

It’s after about 10 minutes that he pushes all the James feelings back down into the box at the bottom of his heart and leaves the evidence room. But it had been hard to gather every thought of him back up again. Now he’s set all those thoughts loose they seem to dance about every part of his body. His mind just sings James James James and it’s like being 17 again. But with a fringeless James with stubble and extra creases in his dimples.

James isn’t at the desk, to his sort of relief, he’s not sure, when he gets back. He sits at his own desk, decides to go through the paper work for the drug dealing case with Boyle. When he sits down there’s a scrawled post it on his desk-

James helping to question drug dealer- C

He’s not sure what his chest feels when he reads it. James’ name. In Charles’ writing. With Charles knowing. Charles knowing all he’d kept from every other friend ever. Ever. He thinks then of Gina, glances up and over at her desk where she scrolls on her phone. A pang of guilt shudders through his chest. He screws up the post-it and deposits in the bin by his desk.

He really must be feeling weird. Because he wants to do the paper work. And he wants to take his time and concentrate all-consumingly on it.

Of-course he is aware of it when James returns along with Charles. The interview seemed successful. James is smiling, and Charles is all excited. But Charles is easily excitable.

“He’s given us information to help take down a whole drug ring.” Charles informs him as he arrives at Jake’s desk. James doesn’t say anything but just knowing he’s there, taking the seat that was Amy’s not even a month ago, it puts him somehow on edge.

“That’s great.” Jake says, and he doesn’t mean for it to happen, but his voice lacks all enthusiasm.

“Actually, it was James that got him to tell us. Sort of tricked him.”

Jake glances over at James, watches as he averts his eyes from Jake’s at once. And Jake doesn’t blame him. But there’s an itch in the back of his mind, a thought about James’ eyes that he never filed back in that little box buried in his heart. About if the greens in them look the same as before. If he’ll ever be as close to him again to try and count the shades of green in them. He wonders if he wants to be close to him like that again.

“Cool, that’s great James.”

James looks nervous too. Like he doesn’t know how to receive praise from Jake. But if it’s any consolation, Jake doesn’t know how to give the praise. James just nods slowly. Smiles diminutively.

Dammit, James’ smile. James’ dimples. It’s unfair. His smile is just so unreal. Yet so truly there. It had always made Jake’s heart flip and actually, it scares him, because it does it again and what is that supposed to mean? What if he’s just never going to be over James Sanderson? Ever?

Amy.

His heart reminds him of her like a child pulling on a parent’s sleeve. Bringing him back to now, and not up in his head where he’s seventeen again, brushing his nose against James’ as they lay, snuggled, on James’ bed.

Charles leaves their desks slowly. He can feel the weird, hot, awkwardness that surrounds them both and he feels it better to just stay out of it.

Jake has finished the other paper work, the arrest of the drug dealer. Is somewhat aware that James is doing the rest. He wonders what to do. His open cases stack on his desk is frustratingly empty. For once.

“Jay.”

It’s so gentle he’s surprised he even heard it. And when he thinks he does hear it he flinches. 20 fucking years and the name still makes his heart spin. Like it’s on one of those spinny type fair-ground rides that he hates. That James also hates (or hated. Who knows now, maybe Alex, his fiancé, helped him over that. That’s petty.). The point is he shouldn’t still be so easily responsive to that name. But he is. James had just whispered it, essentially. Jake felt like a cat. He must have literally pricked his ears up.

The way his heart spins makes the rest of his body freeze up. He glances over at James.

James is looking like he made a mistake. He bites his lip nervously. His eyes refuse to meet the browns of Jake’s.

“Can I have a pen?” He asks hopefully.

That’s like before too. James was generally organised. But he always seemed to forget pens at school. Although, Jake is tempted to point out Amy probably had about 50 and one of them must have been left in the back of a draw if only James looked. Instead, Jake doesn’t say anything. Just hands James the one he is currently holding.

“Thanks.” James tells him, “I’m sorry I called you-“

“Forget it.” It’s not saying don’t worry about it. It’s more just Jake begging it to be forgotten. And it’s more talking to the noise of his brain than to James. “It’s just one little slip up.”

But fuck what does it mean if they’re already having slip ups?

Jake needs coffee.

The break room is thankfully empty. It’s a little quieter in here, and he fills the quietness with the sound of the outdated coffee machine. It helps drown out his thoughts too, the throb of his heart.

Until James enters the room too. He walks slowly past Jake, hand gently touching the small of Jake’s back as he squeezes between him and the table. The hand seems to shoot sparks up Jake’s spine and he flinches away.

“Why would you do that?” Jake snaps, moving away from the coffee machine, stopping it just before his mug overflows.

“I’m sorry.” James replies. He drops a tea bag in a mug and looks over at Jake, “I didn’t mean it like that I was just trying to pass you.”

Jake looks at him. He holds his gaze. They’re about a metre apart, possibly, and Jake can just about note the green of James’ eyes and it makes him feel like this whole time he had been drowning, and those eyes pull him out from the water. And finally, he can breathe.

“Yeah well, maybe don’t pass me.” Jake snaps back. He just can’t anymore. He was supposed to be done with everything James meant to him. And now he doesn’t know where he stands with any of his feelings.

He goes to take his coffee and leave, but James grabs his wrist.

“Jake.”

20 years later, James’ voice still sounds the same. It’s slightly lower. But it still sounds coated in honey, and his accent is unchangeable. Oddly, it’s nostalgic. He looks up at James, lump in his throat.

“We can’t work together like this. We need to talk.”

They’re close now. Jake can’t turn away from his eyes. To say you can remember exactly what someone’s eyes looks like would be a lie. The greens mixing in James’ eyes are impossible to compare and so when you aren’t looking at them, it is impossible to reconstruct them exactly in your mind. But Jake is certain that in a line up, or some such thing, with green eyes, he’d recognise James’ at once. And he recognises them now in a way that’s like returning to your childhood home (and James was Jake’s home for pretty much his whole childhood).

“How long did it take?” Jake asks eventually. He’s not sure he wants to know.

“For what?”

“To get over me.” Jake replies quietly. He isn’t sure if his voice is quiet so no one hears them or because the lump in his throat makes speaking so fucking difficult.

“Jay- Jake… years.” James is still clutching his wrist, and his hand feels clammy against Jake’s skin. “I know I broke up with you but I didn’t want to. It hurt me too.”

“Then why?” Jake asks. It is a question that ate away at him for years, and years, and even now he wonders. Because, yeah, he knows James’ reasoning, but if he had still loved him for years he could have called, said he’d made a mistake and wanted to try again. Or they could have just tried in the first place. The fact that they never even tired… it just eats away at his heart.

James’ eyes shine; are glassy with tears. He rests a hand on Jake’s shoulder, close to his neck so his thumb can reach Jake’s jawline if he wanted it to.

“I was scared.” James says eventually. “I don’t know but I swear it took years to get over those beautiful, baby brown eyes.”

Jake swallows. Alliteration on James’ tongue makes his legs weak. Makes his mind weak. His heart weak. Even though it’s a cliché alliteration and it’s been 20 years since James has said anything like that to him.

“It took me years too.” Jake answers. He doesn’t remember moving closer, but he is close enough to James now to see every detail of his eyes.

They’re perfect. All the lights and darks of green, specks of yellow glinting in them. He missed it so much. He got so used to missing James that maybe he didn’t even realise he had never stopped missing him.

Does he still miss him?

He has no clue and he’s so confused. Everything in his mind is jumbled. Like the time he tried to juggle, and James couldn’t stop laughing at how muddled up his hands got. But James was just as bad, so he got his own back on the laughing.

James is kind of different up close now, besides the eyes. His skin isn’t so pale. Which is actually half embarrassing because Jake knows he hasn’t tanned a bit. His dimples seem more creased than he remembers. Possibly. And his stubble. God up close to James he can’t breathe.

He wonders if kissing him would be the same as before. Would his heart flip and dance and sing? Would he get cheesy, cliché little butterflies awakening in his stomach again? Would his fingers tingle?

He wants to know. He’s curious. And his lips are so close that he could. James looks like he’s asking himself the same questions. And his thumb hesitantly touches at the edge of Jake’s jawline.

What if kissing him just leaves him feeling nothing? Or just feels like how a kiss is probably like with just some regular guy. What if he’s disappointed?

Would he be disappointed? If the kiss felt like nothing. Or would he be relieved? It would be like a yep, you’re so over him feeling and it’s all just gone.

Maybe he doesn’t want to know. And he doesn’t want to kiss him anyway. If he wants to kiss someone he’d kiss Amy. He doesn’t need James anymore. He’s not in love with James anymore.

But is he?

It feels like forever when James shifts his eyes away from him, glances over his shoulder and then drops his hand, steps away.

“I’ll… see you later.” He says finally. He looks at the floor, not at Jake.

Jake can’t work out if he misses the greens in his eyes already or if the small part of him still 17 just wants him to miss them.

To leave the room, James walks around the other side of the table, so as not to squeeze past Jake. And he doesn’t take his mug. There’s still a dry teabag in the bottom of it, abandoned.

Jake just stands there, still for a minute, staring at the wall ahead of him, thinking he’s not so different from the abandoned tea bag. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling at all and it’s frustrating. He doesn’t know if he does want to kiss James or if he just wants the idea of it, so that his dumb naïve 17 year old self isn’t wrong, and he will never get over James. He doesn’t know if it’s all in his head or in his heart for real.

He doesn’t understand a thing.

Scratching the back of his head, he turns around. Jumps.

Sergeant Jeffords stands against the open door, somehow frowning and wide eyed at the same time, if that was even possible before this moment. And it’s an expression Jake can actually understand.

It’s an expression that says he saw that whole thing and he’s really fucking confused.

“Oh, Terry!” Jake greets, “How long have, you been there?” He forces a fake kind of laugh into the words but it falls flat.

“Long enough to be hella confused?!” He replies.

Jake’s forced enthusiasm dwindles at once. Like bursting a balloon. He sighs. Nods. “Okay.”

He goes over to where Terry is standing and shuts the door. Then just to be certain, he locks it too. And then he pulls down the door’s blind, just in case anyone in sight has mastered lip reading like Amy. He leans against the door and looks at the Serg.

“Well?” Terry asks. Jake’s mind stumbles for words but he seems to find none this time. “Jake what is going on with you?” Terry’s voice becomes more of the familiar concerned dad tone that he’s become strangely used to hearing.

“In high school… me and James were more than ‘just friends’, okay?” He says, using his fingers as quote marks.

Terry nods slowly.

“I’m bi.” Jake tells the floor, not Terry. Then he looks up at him.

Terry hugs him. It’s so tight Jesus this is how he’s going to die, suffocated by Terry’s abs and muscles. He’ll never know if he still loves James. He’ll never tell Gina. Oh my god the latter is so much worse.

Terry releases him before he suffocates completely. Still keeps his firm hands on Jake’s shoulders. “I’m proud of you Peralta. But… what was that all about, what I walked in on?”

Jake shrugs, “I haven’t seen James in 20 years and, neither of us know what we’re doing. Or feeling. It was weird, I know.”

“What about Amy?”

It’s such an inevitable and obvious question and his mind has been screaming that exact thing. He shakes his head, “Amy knows about James, not him being here, but she knows the before stuff. And it’s her, obviously, always her. I think, James just being here has sent me time travelling back 20 years. I think I’ll get used to it. It’s just, taken my heart by surprise.”

It’s as he says it that he realises how true it is. That his heart is just surprised and caught off guard. It’s caused feelings to spill out and feel as though drowning him.

Terry nods, “Okay Jake. I’m proud of you. If you need anything I’m here, okay?”

Jake nods too, can feel himself slowly relaxing. His organs don’t feel too large for his body anymore, anyway. “Thank you, Terry.”

Terry smiles gently, turns and unlocks the break room door. The rush and noise of the precinct floods into the room. Terry leaves. Jake turns back to where is coffee is, sees the tea bag in the mug. He makes tea for James the way he knows James always liked it- milk and half a sugar.

He feels stupidly nervous, when he re-enters the bullpen and walks over to he and James’ desk. He places his coffee down first, in front of his computer, then stands hesitantly next to James.

James looks up almost nervously. Jake can’t help but draw a breath. He still feels like he’s dreaming. James being right here is crazy. He blushes.

“I made your tea.” He holds it out for James to take.

“You remember how I have it?”

“Half a sugar because one is syrup sweet and none is tasteless and gross, yes I remember that.” Jake tells him. He’s probably heard James say that phrase a hundred times when they were younger. “Just hoped you haven’t changed from that opinion.”

James takes the tea gratefully, smiling, “Nope, I still stand by it.”

Jake can’t help but smile for a moment too. He still knows James. He hasn’t changed at all, really. Is that a good thing?

“Look… I’m sorry that it’s so weird, us, like in the breakroom a moment ago, I just, I don’t know, what I’m thinking, or feeling, really. And I don’t want us to be awkward. We’ve got to get over it, right?”

James nods hesitantly, “Yeah, of course.”

Jake can sort of feel the heaviness in James’ heart as he says the words. And he feels it in his chest too. “Cool. Well… I’m gonna sit at my desk and… solve crimes because it’s what I do, as my job, with you, now, apparently. Yeah okay bye James.”

He’s blushing a lot and it’s gross. He buries his head into his arms on his desk. The thought of hot coffee is almost nauseating. His face feels on fire. His stomach is full of butterflies, not high school crush kind, but the anxious, nervous, confused kind.

His coffee ends up going cold.

When James is on his lunch break, Jake has a clear view across to Gina’s desk. He watches her arrive for her afternoon shift and feels the same pang of guilt in his chest. The thing is he hid his bisexuality from Gina not even in a never-mentioning-it kind of way, but in a way that he blatantly lied to her about it. When he needn’t do at all. It’s just that his throat got tight and his face and head had felt red hot and throbbed. And he was so fucking scared. Even though it was Gina.

The following day after he and James broke up, he had found himself on Gina’s doorstep. Her mum had answered, but she just let Jake in without blinking- so used to him being around. As soon as he reached Gina’s bedroom, and she greeted him, he burst into tears. Rambling about how James was leaving. Leaving out the whole break up part.

Gina had been a perfect friend that day. Her mum was in the garden, basking in the late august sun New York had to offer, and she took the ice cream from the fridge, put on Die Hard (begrudgingly) and set Jake down with it. It had been somewhere between the Die Hard binge watch and between the first and second tub of ice cream that Gina had asked about it.

“Is this just about him leaving, kiddo?”

Gina had always been surprisingly observant. She always seems so wrapped in her own world when really, she knows everything about everyone.

“What else would it be?” Jake had asked, fingers pushing at the ice cream container lid, struggling to open it.

“Jake, I have set you down in front of your favourite movies with ice cream. This is break-up medicine.”

It felt like the ice cream melted in his hold. He swallowed, and it felt like his heart had slid down his body like an ice lolly melting down its stick.

“Baby boy, you know you can tell me anything.” Gina rested a hand on his arm, squeezed gently.

Jake swallowed again. For a second, he almost said it. Yeah okay, you’ve got me, it’s a break-up. But he’d forgotten what words are. And how to use them. And all his organs felt inflated. He couldn’t breathe. The room was almost spinning. He had forced a laugh.

“I know, Gina. But, there’s nothing to tell, don’t make it weird.”

Gina had been scarily quiet for a minute. Watching his face like he was an anime without subtitles. Jake wasn’t sure if she really believed him or not.

“Okay.” She said. She squeezed his arm once more, “But I’m always here.”

She prized the ice cream tub from him and opened the lid smoothly. Then handed it back.

“Thank you, Gina.” He meant it for both opening the ice cream and for being there for him. And for believing his blatant lie.

He felt bad for so long after that. It left him aching. For a while after he could barely look at her. It was just the worst because it would have been the perfect time to tell her. And now he’s left it and left it, all because he lied that one time. And she’s not even the second to know (if the first is James). She’ll be the fifth to know after Amy, Charles and Terry. Which sucks. But, he’s gonna tell her. Right now.

He takes a breath. Then he gets up.

Gina is like his sister. But in an easier way where there was little rivalry and only mild bickering. The next moment he’s aware of is when he is hovering over her desk.

“Heyyy, Gina.”

“What do you want, kiddo?” Gina asks mindlessly, tapping away on her phone.

“So, you remember James Sanderson, right?”

Finally, she looks up. “As in your James Sanderson?”

“Well, wouldn’t go as far as saying my James but yeah that one.” Jake replies. “Can we go like, evidence room, and talk about it?”

He’s suddenly aware of Rosa peering up over her paperwork, Charles’ completely unsubtle stare, Holt’s open office door.

“O-kay.” Gina replies. She gets up, leaving her phone on the desk.

Noticing the phone makes Jake’s gut sink. It makes him feel like she already knows what’s happening.

Once in the evidence room it feels just like before; Jake forgetting what words are and how to use them.

“What is it Jake?” Gina asks. Jake’s uncertain if her tone is annoyed or concerned.

“James is here. He’s the new detective taking over from Amy.”

“Taking over from Amy? Why? Did she die?”

“What? No! She’s a sergeant now, c’mon Gina.”

“Oh yeah, forgot about dat.” She replies, leaning her elbow on the stacks of case files. “So, what about him?”

Jake closes his eyes. He drums his fingers on the box beside him. He did not plan this out. “You remember, when he left for college and you said you were giving me ‘break-up medicine.’”

“I remember you crying for like a full 24 hours into empty ice cream tubs, yeah.”

Jake tries not to cringe. “Right, well I said it wasn’t like that- a break-up- but… that wasn’t exactly true.”

Gina blinks twice in the dim light of the evidence room. “Oh! So this is a coming out talk?”

Jake nods once, a little hesitant, nervous. “Yeah, me and James were boyfriends. And… I’m bi.”

He’s said the words so many times today now they’re almost losing meaning. ‘Almost’ very much the operative word. They still hold the past 20 years of being closeted.

“So, what am I supposed to be surprised right now?”

Jake shrugs, “I mean, I hid it from you for 20 years.”

“Girl, you have a weird definition of ‘hid’.” She also uses quotation marks.

Jake lets out a slightly shaky breath. “You mean you knew this whole time?”

“I mean, pretty much. Yeah it was weird you never told me but it’s not like I was going to force you to.”

Jake nods slowly. “I am sorry I didn’t tell you, though.”

Gina shrugs, “You weren’t ready back then. It’s fine, I get it.”

“Yeah but, I kept it for so long. And I told Amy just over a week ago. And today I’ve told Charles and Terry and I just feel bad you’re weren’t first.”

“You worry too much, kiddo.” She touches his arm. Like the day after the break up all those years ago. “Who you tell and when doesn’t matter that much. But, I’m glad you told me. Alright?”

For some reason Jake wants to cry. You’d think one would get used to it by now but he’s not. “Thank you.”

Gina pulls him into a hug and Jake swallows the lump in his throat desperately.

When he returns to his desk, James is already sitting down.

“Should I say something to him or?” Gina asks beside him.

Jake shrugs. “If you want?”

“James!” Gina reaches his desk, smiles, “Remember me?”

“Gina!” James cries disbelievingly. He lets out a small laugh, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m Captain Holt’s assistant did he not tell you?” Gina looks into Captain Holt’s office. “Captain Holt?! You didn’t tell James about me?”

“I didn’t think it was of any relevance to Detective Sanderson.” Holt replies mindlessly.

Gina rolls her eyes and looks back at James, “How are you? How’s your life? I have a daughter now, her name’s Enigma, well we call her Iggy…”

Gina rambles on and James glances over at Jake with raised eyebrows. Jake knows he means she hasn’t changed then and he smiles and nods, before going to sit at his own desk. He only has Rosa and Holt left to tell. He’d never thought he’d ever be at that point. It’s crazy. Almost dizzying.

Eventually Gina leaves James’ desk after spilling almost her whole life since James left for college. Of course, Jake had been vaguely listening in as he worked.

“She’s still the same.” James remarks softly once she’s back at her desk and on her phone.

Jake smiles softly, glances at him. “Yeah. Still Gina.”

“Did you ever tell her that we were, you know.”

Jake shakes his head, “Not until about 15 minutes ago.”

“That’s crazy. She was basically your sister, I always thought you told her when we were still at school.”

Jake bites his lip, looks down at his desk. “I was always too scared.” He glances at his ex. It’s still insane that he is here. “No one here knew until today I just, the words never ‘came out’, ironically.”

“It’s okay. I get it.” James replies. He taps his pen against the desk. God, he really hasn’t changed at all. “I only told my mum after me and my fiancé had been together for about a year. It is hard. I don’t know how Captain Holt did it.”

Jake smiles sadly, glances over to Holt’s office, “I nearly told him once. Soon after Rosa said she was bi. I was in his office, he was reading some report I half assed and I was thinking about it. And I got all nervous and sweaty and I was built up to say it. Holt asked if I was okay… And I just nodded and left.” He looks back at his computer screen and frowns, “Maybe I should tell him now.” He mutters.

“Huh?” James peers round the computers to look at him.

“I should just tell him, right now.”

Holt’s door is open. He’s on his computer but it doesn’t look hugely important. He glances briefly over at Rosa. It hurts, the idea of her being the last to know (besides Scully and Hitchcock but he’s not entirely sure if it’s worth telling them outright. Maybe he’ll just tell everyone else in a briefing). He knows he should have told Rosa, when she came out. In the evidence room after the speech he’d rehearsed a thousand times in his head for his mother but never spoke (with a few pronouns changed), or after game night, or on the roof before her dad arrived at the precinct the following day. He could have told her, but he told himself he didn’t want to steal her thunder, so to speak. Really, he knows he was just too scared.

Rosa looks up at him, as though feeling his stare and scowls. What? She mouths.

Jake’s chest feels heavy. He sighs. “Here we go.” He gets up from his desk, wanders over to Rosa.

“Heyy, Rosa.”

“Why were you staring at me? What’s going on?” She closes a file she had been reading on her desk, looks at Jake for a moment, frowns. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing I just… I need to tell you something.”

“Okay…” Rosa says, gesturing for him to go ahead.

He thinks it’s a bit weird, just in the middle of the bullpen with the business of policework taking place around them. But everyone who knows him, besides Holt in his office, knows anyway. He takes a short breath.

“Okay, you know how you’re bi.” Jake starts. “… So am I.”

Rosa blinks once. “Huh, I thought so.” She almost smiles, “So what the new detective is your ex or something?”

Jake glances over at him. He’s acting like he’s busy working, writing on a notepad, but Jake is certain he’s secretly watching them. “Yeah.”

Rosa sighs, and with it seems to drop her ‘hard’ personality for something ever so slightly softer. “Look, Jake, thanks for telling me. You helped me a lot when I came out and I’m here if you need me for anything, okay? And I’m proud of you.”

Jake smiles. He sort-of feels like crying. Rosa showing any vague emotions is weird for anyone. “Thank you, Rosa.” He says softly. Rosa nods.

The only person left is Holt. Honestly, if he had planned this, Holt would have probably have been higher up the list on the coming out order, but now he’s knocking on Holt’s door he doesn’t think it matters who he tells when. It’s all been in the same day after all.

Wow this is a huge day.

“Peralta? Come in.” Holt closes whatever he was looking at on his compute with the click of a mouse as Jake closes the door. “What is it?” The closed door makes the room quieter. Makes the conversation suddenly that bit more serious.

“I’ve just… I need to tell you something. I’ve told like, everyone, today, and now I’m here.” He swallows. This feels strangely harder than everyone else even though it shouldn’t be the case. It sort-of does feel more like telling his dad than his boss. (And let’s be real there is no point telling his actual dad). He sighs. “Okay, I’m bisexual.” He says finally.

He stands there in the middle of Holt’s office for a moment and it feels like hours pass. He feels awkward, just standing there. The Captain leans back in his chair and folds his arms.

“Jake… sit down, you make the place look untidy.” He gestures to the chair in front of his desk.

Jake takes a breath and sits down, looking shyly at the Captain. “James… err Detective Sanderson was my best friend, and then boyfriend for like a year, and then he went to college and broke my heart for about a decade.” He explains vaguely, forcing a smile at the end.

“I see. Jake… thank you for telling me, I know it is never easy.”

Jake nods slowly, fumbles with his hands in his lap, “I always wanted to. It’s just the words would never ‘come out’. I’ve used that joke twice today by accident it’s getting boring.” He adds, rambling.

“I understand. When I told my mother, I physically could not say the word gay for a good 2.34 seconds.”

“Weirdly precise.” Jake mutters.

“She was okay with me being gay but regardless, it is scary.”

Jake nods. It’s quiet for a moment.

“I must say this must be one of the gayest precincts in Brooklyn.” The captain remarks.

Softly, Jake laughs, looks up at Holt, “You might be onto something, Sir.”

The end of the day comes sooner than Jake thought it would. The moment James’s laugh filled the precinct this morning, he had assumed it would be the longest 8 hours of his life. But now he’s leaving the precinct, standing in a lift with Charles.

“How you feeling?” Charles asks him.

Jake leans against the cool, elevator wall. “Actually… pretty good. Kind of relieved? James being here is crazy but he’s also caused me to face one of my biggest fears.”

“Spiders? Bees?”

“What? No, Charles, coming out.”

“Right. Right. So everyone knows now?”

“Yep. Well, except Hitchcock and Scully but I’ll tell them and everyone else tomorrow in our morning briefing.

The lift doors open on the ground floor of the building and the two detectives walk outside. The sun’s shining. The day James left his life if was sunny and he hated it, but now James is back in his life and he finds he is glad of sun.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Jake!” Charles says, heading off to his car.

“See you tomorrow.” Jake waves then leans against the police car in the parking space closest to the precinct’s building. He’s waiting for Amy.

“Jake!”

It’s not Amy’s voice, far too low. James walks over to him, leans beside him against the car.

“Hey.” Jake smiles at him. For a second the space between them feels electric. He still can’t believe he’s standing next to him. It’s like an electric shock.

“Look I’m sorry if I’m going to make things extra weird here. I could always transfer. I think the 74 has a place, the 73-“

“James, no, don’t be silly. You’re fine here. Sure, it might be weird for a little while but I think we’ll be fine.” Jake looks at him and he knows they’ll be fine. “We’re not in love anymore, and yeah it’s weird, having the past dragged back up but we’re not the same as those 17 year-old boys lying in a cheap, faded little hammock. We’ve moved on. We’ll get used to each other being here, I’m sure.”

“Yeah. You’re right, I guess. Since when did you become the wise one?”

Jake smiles, “God knows.” He frowns, “That’s actually a little concerning I’m never the wise one.”

James laughs, looks down at the floor briefly, “You know you should be proud of yourself today.” He says, “Coming out to everyone one by one? That takes a lot.”

“Wouldn’t have even thought about it if you didn’t turn up.” Jake says, he looks at James. His eyes once again. They’re still so green. “I guess we need each other, somehow.”

He doesn’t know what’s happening. They’re close. It feels like a moment that should be lined with some kind of romantic undertones. Perhaps they should be about to kiss but the thought makes him want to cringe.

“I’ve made this weird, haven’t I?” Jake says, watching James close his eyes and smile. He nods.

“A little bit.”

They laugh a little. It feels new but it feels almost normal.

“Look, I’m gonna head home, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” James says. He’s still smiling. Jake knows that at the same time they both think about how this is what they wanted since they were little kids, working in the same precinct, together. And it’s suddenly coming true.

James turns and walks down the street with a final small wave. Jake waves back as a voice calls from behind him.

“Was that the new detective?” Amy asks.

Jake jumps, startled, and turns around, “God, I did not expect you to be there, don’t do that.” He touches his hand to his heart for a second.

Amy smiles, “Sorry.” She walks over and hugs him, kisses his cheek. “How was your day?”

“Well, that’s a crazy story, Ames.”

By the time Jake and Amy are lying together in the bed, and Amy is finishing the crossword in the newspaper, he had told her of the whole day. He’s kind of exhausted. It’s been a weird and unpredictable 24 hours. There reached a time where he thought he may end up never coming out at work at all. And he definitely didn’t expect it to happen today.

“Ames… you know I love you, right?” Jake checks. Normally he would be watching cat videos on his phone. But he doesn’t really feel like it tonight.

Amy glances at him, “Of course. Why?”

Jake shrugs, “Nothing I just, even though I’m working with my ex now, I want you to know that nothing in the world can ever change how I feel about you. Unless you murder a bunch of people I guess.” He adds.

Amy rolls her eyes, “I don’t think I will be doing that.” Briefly, she puts her pen down, “Jake, I know it must have been weird but, it seems like James really helped you today. And I trust you, okay? What we have is special and I know that. I don’t for a minute think you’d just drop it the moment the past comes back up.”

“Thanks, Ames.” He smiles at her. She’s so perfect. She’s everything. He really doesn’t deserve the world, but the world sits beside him nonetheless, “You’re the best. I love you so much.”

“I know. I love you so much too.” Amy says, “But my crossword…”

“Yeah.” Jake smiles, settles down in the bed. When he closes his eyes he feels happy, relieved (and also exhausted).

Nothing’s really changed that much.