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“I’m gonna do it.” Jake says, determinedly, heaving his bag onto his shoulder and standing from his desk.
“Do what?” James looks up from his desk at his ex.
“Tell my mom.” He smiles, nervously.
It’s been a couple months since he came out to the squad. It’s been… good. He’s never felt so free, so him. James and he have gotten used to working together. To being friends again. Jake would say they’re stronger than ever, and it’s… it’s probably true.
Jake has been considering telling his mom, for realz, for a long time. He has done this before, considered it for realz. Rehearsed that fucking speech a thousand times, on his bed staring at the ceiling, in the mirror, on the sofa, imagining his mum was sat beside him. He’s run through the speech in the car in his head, when she had been right beside him. And then… then after James… well it felt pointless. He knows that was stupid. That his sexual identity is a part of him separately to James. But… he didn’t feel like he would ever love again. So, why tell his mum who he could love, when he could never see it happen.
But now? Now he just wants to live every part of himself truthfully. He wants to be out, to everyone. To his mom- hell to his dad (eventually, probably over a text he won’t get a reply to). He wants to tell the world- he’s finally ready for that. Finally he feels like he can see a future where he can and will do that.
And he is going to live that future.
Amy is working overtime at the precinct and Jake sits on their sofa at home alone. He stares at his mom’s contact on his phone. Rehearsing the call. Stiffly, he lets out a shaky breath. Then he presses call. A shaking hand holds the phone to his ear. He feels like he’s having an out-of-body experience.
The phone rings for a while. His mom doesn’t pick up. It rings a while longer and goes to voice-mail. Jake swallows.
“Hey, mom.” His voice shudders. He sighs, “I erm, I’m-“ and he almost says it just like that, but he can’t get the word out and it doesn’t feel right, over voicemail. No- it will be in person. “I’m erm- I’m thinking I should come and see you soon. Have a meal, maybe at yours? And er- no offence to dad but er, can it just be us? I want to talk to you... Yeah, so er, please call me back soon so we can arrange a day? Thanks mom, love you.”
He hangs up and his throat feelings suddenly dry. He’s sweating too. His face feels red. In the kitchen he pours himself a drink, and chugs half of it before catching his breath. 20 years… 20 years and it is finally happening.
It’s half an hour later, when he’s watching an episode of the British narration of Blue Planet II when his mother calls back.
“Hey honey.” She greets, “I just got your voicemail, I thought you said no one uses that anymore.”
Jake manages to chuckle, “Gina says that mom. But I know I just… really need to tell you something?”
“Oh, is it bad honey? Are you ill?”
“No, no, no no no, mom, it isn’t anything bad, I promise. At least, it shouldn’t be bad.” He sighs again, “Just, when are you free?”
There’s a silence where Jake assumes his mother is thinking of when she is free. But she is chewing her lip in concern, worried, because she’s not sure she’s ever heard her son so nervous and scared.
“How about Friday?” She asks eventually.
“Uh, yeah, yeah that could work. Hopefully no one is murdered on Friday, and then that should be good.” He jokes lightly. It’s not a good joke.
“Great!” His mother says, “I can’t wait to see you, honey, it’s been a while.”
“Yeah, I erm, I look forward to it too, mom.” He swallows. He feels like crying. He’s really going to do this. Finally . He wonders for a moment if he really can. If this is a truly good idea.
“Okay, Jakey, I love you.”
Jake forces a smile through the phone, “I love you too mom.” He replies.
Four days. Four days and his mother will know. He leans back against the sofa and unmutes Sir David Attenborough’s soothing voice. Shakily, he exhales again.
—
“Today, is the day!” Jake says as everyone takes their seats in the briefing room. He stands at the front of the room, hands tightly clasping the lectern.
“We’re finally getting new toilet seats in the bathroom?” Scully asks.
“What? Scully no! I’m coming out to my mum this afternoon.” Jake replies.
“God, keep up Scully.” Charles says, turning to face the cop seated behind him. Scully pouts.
“Anyway, as I am coming out, tonight, I have small requests, firstly, no one call me tonight, if there’s a New York emergency, call literally anyone else. Secondly, if I snap at anyone today it is because I am nervous…” He slowly breathes out, “So nervous. You know what, maybe I should just bail-“
“Babe.” Amy hurries up to him, “It’s okay.” She wraps an arm around his shoulder and gratefully, Jake leans into her, the side of his forehead pressing against her’s. Briefly he closes his eyes and breathes.
“Yes, Peralta, I understand what a big deal this is, and, if you feel you need it I will gladly, give you the day off.” Holt says. Everyone turns to him in surprise, “Providing you make it up with overtime.”
Jake nods, “Thank you, Captain but, no.” He pulls away from Amy but leaves an arm around her waist, “I am going to do this. I am.”
He meets James’ eyes. He sits in the middle row, to Jake’s left. James nods at him, a you got this, Jay kind of nod. It gives Jake some kind of something- some kind of strength.
He’s got this.
—
Some time through the day, Rosa appears, almost out of nowhere, leaning against his desk. He looks up at her and smiles,
“Hey Rosa.” He says.
“Hey man, how you feeling?”
It’s a genuine question. About feelings. From Rosa. But Jake doesn’t point this out. He’s grateful for it.
“I’m… okay.” He says, “The wait is kinda killing me. I keep writing the wrong thing on this report.” He drops the pen onto the paper in frustration, “It’s scribble city.”
“Do you want me there? Or anything? Just… you were there for me. I can do it for you if you need me to. You were right though, you should do it yourself.”
Jake smiles, “Thank you, Rosa, but, yeah, I’ve got to do this myself.”
“With that speech you told me?”
He laughs, “Yeah, that’s, it’s kind of the plan.” He shrugs, “Don’t know if it will go like that or not but it’s what I’ve always wanted to say.”
Rosa smiles a little, and Jake doesn’t tease her about it, “Well, good luck, man. If you need me, I’m… here for you. I know how hard this is, but you’re mum’s great and… you’ve got this, yeah?”
Jake nods, “Thank you. Really.”
She lightly, awkwardly, pats his wrist, then walks away. He smiles at his desk, at scribble city on the paper below him.
“That was nice.” James says from opposite him. Jake smiles up at him tiredly.
“Yeah I… was kinda involved in her coming out to her parents.” He shrugs, “They, weren’t too supportive at first. The things they told her, that it was a phase and bisexuality wasn’t real… it really hurt me, too.” He swallows, “I don’t… I don’t think my mum will react like that but… what if she does?”
“Then fuck her, yeah?” James’ voice is so gentle. He makes Jake smile to himself a little, “I mean… it’s not that easy. And, I know it doesn’t help make it less hard, necessarily, but I really don’t think your mom will react like that. From all I remember, she’s literally superwoman.”
Jake nods, “She is. She is.”
—
The day drags and speeds by all at once. It’s a blur. Jake hadn’t achieved much but Holt didn’t complain about it like he would in other circumstances. He’s seen Jake grow so confident in himself the past couple of months and he knows how much the boy has prepared and stressed over this. He presses a hand, strongly on Jake’s shoulder when he leaves the precinct, squeezes slightly and nods,
“Good luck, Peralta.”
Jake just nods. His stomach, his intestines, his heart, lungs… they’re all knotted together.
—
He stands on his mother’s doorstep for some minutes before he knocks. He mutters his speech like a mantra one last time, he takes some deep breaths using the techniques Amy had told him. He hears Charles’ good luck Jakey in his head, and he remembers the good luck card the precinct had signed. He hears James calling his mum superwoman. He thinks about Rosa saying she was there if he needed her (he’s tempted to call. He really is.) and he hears Holt wishing him good luck.
He takes in one last breath and he doesn’t remember exhaling it. He bangs the knocker against the door, once, twice, thrice. And he waits.
Karen Peralta opens the door and smiles at her son.
“Hey, Jakey.” She pulls him into the house, into her arms. Jake relaxes against her for a moment. This will be okay .
“Hey mom.” He murmurs against her shoulder.
“I’ve made your favourite” She pulls away and hurries into the kitchen, turning off the oven. Jake closes the front door.
“Thanks, mom. I didn’t expect you to cook, we could’ve gotten a take away.” The house smells wonderful though, like childhood and mom and the best food in the world.
“Oh, honey, it isn’t a problem.”
Jake nods.
They eat dinner before Jake decides to talk. It’s amazing. Nothing can ever compare to his mother’s cooking, nothing. But he doesn’t eat as much as usual. Karen eyes him nervously when he refuses seconds.
They sit down on the sofa. Jake has pictured this. She’s waiting expectantly.
“You’ve been awfully quiet tonight.” She gently reaches over to him with her long nailed fingers, and pushes his front curl from his eyes. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
He exhales so slowly his breath may fill a large balloon.
“Okay.” His heart is beating so hard it feels like his whole body is somehow pulsating. When he swallows he hears it so loudly in his head. He feels sick with anxiety and nerves. “Here goes.” For a moment he doesn’t remember the speech he’s rehearsed a thousand fucking times. Then he starts…
“Mom… I’m… bisexual.” He thought the word was never going to leave his mouth for asecond. It feels momentarily foreign on his lips. He wants to look at her but he can’t. The ugly patterned pink, green and white rug on the floor suddenly peaks his interest. “But… I’m still your son. I’m the same person that I have always been…” He swallows. His mom takes both of his hands in his own. He feels so small. He feels like that 17 year old boy who saw the word bisexual blinking slowly at him from his computer. Or was he blinking at it? “And who I love will never change that.”
He glances up at her for a moment. His eyes are filling with tears. He continues, focusing now on the way her hands clutch his, squeezing them tightly.
“You… you raised me to be strong, and confident, and I don’t wanna hide who I am anymore, mom. I am… bi.” His voice shakes and breaks and a tear slips down his cheek.
“Honey…” Karen takes one of her hand from her son’s and wipes the tear from his face.
“I know that… this may come as a shock to you, but it’s my truth. And I… I hope you can accept that.”
He can’t help the sob that slips from his mouth. He’s shaking and his mother pulls him to her, holds him tightly against her, letting him cry into her shoulder, her chest.
“Love… of course I accept that.” She says, lips brushing against her son’s forehead. “Of course I do, okay?”
Jake sniffs deeply. He feels so small. So young. He doesn’t lift his head from where it is buried in his mother’s neck.
“Because I’m already married to Amy?”
“ No ! Baby, if you married a man I would accept you just the same. You know this, yes?” She lifts her son’s head and makes him meet her eyes. He has her brown eyes. He manages to nod.
“James was… he used to be my boyfriend. Before college and I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t even… no one knew.”
He is still crying, sobbing through the words and he thinks, vaguely, that he must look a sight, but then decides not to care. His mum is crying a little too.
She looks at him. His eyes the very much mirror her own. His red, tear streaked cheeks. And a mother wipes her son’s tears, kisses his head, whispers that she loves him.
“I’m sorry…” Jake says eventually, after calming down and breathing quietly for a while.
“Sorry? Whatever for?”
Jake shrugs, “Not telling you about James? Not telling you sooner? Making such a scene? Not being straight? I don’t know.”
“Jakey…” His mother sighs shakily this time, runs a hand through his hair, smoothing his cheek with her thumb. “You needn’t apologise for none of that, okay?”
“But… but I kept it from you for ages? 20 years mom-“
“It’s okay. I’m not mad. Look at me, do I look mad or angry to you?”
Jake looks at her through watery eyes. She looks emotional, sad, but not mad (he congratulates his mind briefly for the rhyme). He shakes his head.
“No.”
“Listen, sweetheart, I would love to say that I would’ve been supportive of you back when you were young too, but I don’t know… I don’t think I’d even heard of bisexual back then.” She swipes another tear from her boy’s cheek, “But I know, that I am a better person today, and I can love you, and support you just the same.”
Jake smiles, “The lesbians across the street helped by any chance?”
Karen chuckles at the light joke, “I love you.” She says, “And I am so proud of you.” She sighs, “You’ve held this for so long, haven’t you?”
Jake nods, tears squeezing from his eyes again, “Yeah.” He says on a breath, half whispering it. “I love you too mom.”
Karen smiles, and pulls Jake back into her arms. And mother holds son tightly. And son holds mother back.
—
Amy is rushing towards the door as he opens it later that evening.
“How was it?” She asks, pulling him immediately into a hug.
He smiles, hugs her tightly around the waist and kicks the door shut behind him. He closes his eyes for a moment, takes in Amy’s perfume.
“It… actually went amazing.” Jake says, pulling away to meet Amy’s eyes.
“I’m so so proud of you, Jake.” She says, then frowns, “You’ve been crying.”
“Yeah I er, got a little tiny bit emotional but, everything is fine.” He grins, then quickly shrugs off his coat. “I’m so tired.”
Amy smiles softly at him, pulls his curl back across his forehead. She likes it there, makes him look cute,
“You’ve just gotten a huge weight lifted. You’re bound to be exhausted.” Quickly, she kisses him, “I love you, so much.”
“Love you so much too, Ames.”
—
He had texted the squad group chat (the link with Charles in) that the coming out had gone well, and he smiles the night away as messages from his friends pop up in the chat. Amy reads them on her own phone too, before texting,
thought you were tired peralta
into the chat. Jake smiles and rolls over in bed, grappling for her in the darkness now both phones have been turned off. He reaches her, cuddles into her side and wraps an arm around her middle.
“Night Ames.” He whispers. He falls asleep before he hears her reply.