Chapter Text
It had been a long day of shooting, their last one in fact, and everyone had gathered at The Golden Hand, a local pub, to celebrate...and say goodbye. This might be the last time they would see each other for quite some time, and maybe, for some, forever. After 8 long years of shooting a successful TV series, it was going to be a significant loss. They were a diverse group of actors from across the globe who had gathered, worked together, vacationed together, drank and ate together and had slowly become...family.
They took up the entire front section of an old pub in Edinburgh, the one that they had all gathered at throughout the years. Celebrations and birthdays. Quiet intimate chats over a pint. Working meetings where they poured over the newest scripts. Moments of sadness when a loved one had died back home and their shooting schedule didn’t allow a quick trip back. They were indeed a family.
The large half circle booth where they always gathered looked out onto the Grassmarket where tourists and residents alike filled the sidewalks and the lights on the dark street lit up the gothic stone buildings and cobblestone. If they were a family, then Edinburgh had become home. It was, for a lack of a better term, home base, although they had several different filming locations throughout the UK and Europe. But this is where they all gathered every half year to commence the next season of filming.
That night there was much laughter and a few tears, a lot of stories and even more pints. Everyone was excitedly talking about their next projects but also feeling the weight of the goodbyes they would have to say over the next few days, not only to each other but to their temporary home.
Brienne sat across from Jaime, her face was bright, her short blonde hair a little messy from running her fingers through it all night. A nervous habit he had picked up on. Brienne was from California, and it had become his pet name for her. She never asked why but in Jaime’s mind, California was all sun and laughter and light. Just like her.
With her third pint half finished, (Jaime was counting), she smiled as she listened carefully to a story being told at the other end of the table. Jaime tried his best not to stare too long and keep their conversations casual, but it was getting increasingly difficult. With every hour that passed, it was another hour that brought him closer to the goodbye he dreaded the most.
The story told, everyone burst out laughing at the expense of Podrick, which was usually the case. Brienne, eyes laughing, turned to Jaime and he smiled back but it was clear he hadn’t been listening. Her smile faded just slightly but she didn’t take her eyes off him as she tipped her pint and took a small sip. His heart skipped beat.
Davos, one of the older actors who had gladly taken up the role as “father” to their group, saw the interaction between the two. In fact, he had noticed them for quite some time and it was only in the last year that he had finally spoken to Brienne about it. She had hesitated and then, over pints at this very table, spilled everything...everything that she felt and thought and hoped for and feared, and it had been a relief for her to talk to someone about it. Davos was a sweet man and a good listening ear. He would never presume to tell her what to do, but nothing had been resolved and he knew that Brienne feared the worst. That Jaime felt nothing for her except friendship. He, on the other hand, thought differently and something needed to be done. He turned to Brienne who sat beside him.
“Care to dance, my lady?”
“Me?” Brienne set her pint down surprised.
“Well, it’s you I’m lookin’ at so, yes. Come on, Bri. It’s your last chance to boogie with this old man.”
“Boogie? Have I ever boogied with you before?”
“No, but that’s the point! Show me what you got. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
Brienne turned to Jaime and grinned, raising her eyebrows in surprise but she laughed and stood and let herself be led to the dance floor. The band was playing a traditional Scottish tune and Jaime smiled and sipped his scotch, quietly watching as Davos spun Brienne around the dance floor. Brienne was a much better dancer than Davos but she didn’t take him too seriously as she let herself be dipped and twirled. She was...beautiful, though. She wore a rose silk blouse, open at the back that billowed as she danced, half tucked into tight jeans. She was a half head taller than Davos and although the character she played was always awkward and stiff, Brienne moved with absolute grace. He cursed himself for his blindness. Why hadn’t he seen how damn sexy she was? Before all this…
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Brienne only stepped onto the set in season two and she had made quite a splash when she did. She was over 6', statuesque, and she filled the room with her presence. Their characters, opposites in all ways, but both warriors, had met early on in the storyline and for an entire season, all their scenes had been shot together. They were travelling across land on foot and so they filmed mostly outdoors, in the Highlands. Brienne had loved it, and had fallen hopelessly in love with the Scottish landscape. Jaime, being from Ireland, was use to the scenery and had taken it for granted most of his life, but he had started to see it again through her eyes and he loved what he saw. She was a romantic, and the romance and beauty of the Highlands suited her perfectly.
Their characters had started to form a bond. Grudgingly. His was pompous and arrogant. Hers was noble and proud. And slowly, through challenges and tragedy, they had found their way to each other, in mind and heart. It was a love story that had slowly grown on it’s viewers and now tugged on the hearts of watchers world wide.
Brienne’s character was gruff, bitter, stoic, awkward, stubborn and at times aggravating. In real life she was warm and charming, endearing and just a bit shy with a wicked sense of humour and a laugh that could light up a room, which was a testament to her acting skills. You would never know the real woman behind the character if you hadn’t met her yourself. Jaime’s respect for her craft had grown enormously. And from the first scene they did together, they got on like wildfire. She was his friend, his “mate”, and they had had the best of times filming together. They had trained for sword fighting scenes, and learned to ride horses together. They had poured over their scripts in this very pub, figuring out the right way to nail a scene, feeling out the temperment of their dialogue and running lines together in their trailers over wine and scotch. He had laughed at her antics until he cried and then wondered why he felt this empty space every time he went home to Cersie, his long-time partner of 15 years. He put it down to the intensity of the situation, working together for a steady six months with people who had become his good friends. When it was time to head back to Scotland for another season of shooting, though, he couldn’t wait to get back with his people, his family.
It had created tension with Cersie, though, and Jaime regretted that. Not that things had been great between them when he was offered the part. They had already been feeling distant. They had met when he was in acting school and she was a young manager in her father’s Ironworks Corporation. 9 years ago, she had taken on the position of CEO after his death. She had found Jaime a high-ranking position, alongside her, but he found early on that it didn’t suit him. Corporate takeovers and backroom deals never sat right with him. To Cersie, this was the attainment of all her dreams and she reveled in it. It had changed her, though. Her drive and push for more power made Jaime shrink from her. He tried to support her in any way he could, but he had also been feeling lonely and a bit out of sorts. It was clear it was a world where he didn’t belong. Jaime’s dream had always been as an actor. He quit the corporation, which drew a lot of bitterness and criticism from Cersie, but he landed a role in a TV series that had a small cult following. Unfortunately, it had ended after the second season. Not enough interest, they said. And so he took up smaller roles in movies, did a few commercials, but nothing had felt like The Role. The one that would define him as a serious actor and launch him into the spotlight, the one where he could choose the roles he wanted to play.
Now, after 8 years in this role, he finally felt he had achieved that. He was getting serious offers from major movie producers and had starred in a couple of them between seasons that challenged and stretched him. Roles where he felt he could really use his skills. But it had come at a price. Cersie’s career took her around the globe, spending much of her time in New York. He had invited her to the set several times to meet his friends and see firsthand where his passion lay. Unfortunately, after the first visit, which had been awkward and uncomfortable, and which she had cut short, she hadn’t returned. Now they lived as strangers, only getting to know each other again in the times inbetween. They had both felt it, but rarely talked about it. They had been deeply in love in those early years but they had also been young. Now, it seemed her bitterness over his “dissersion” of her had grown and much of their time together was spent snapping at each other and arguing over the smallest things. Jaime was tired but loyal, some would have said to a fault. He had been given many invitations and opportunities from some beautiful women he had worked with but he hadn’t been interested. Not to say that there hadn’t been plenty of lonely nights where he had been tempted but Jaime’s loyalty ran deep. And Cersie knew it. Had she been that loyal back? He honestly didn’t know but it’s something that he didn’t like thinking about. Jaime loved only one woman at a time, and had his entire life. It was just his way.
That had all changed now.
It’s not like his feelings had grown over the years and he had to very purposefully think and work his way out of them. He simply didn’t recognize them until it was too late.
In the show’s last season, their characters’ lives had crossed again and come together. The circle had completed and the natural conclusion had been an admission of love. It was a beautiful tale of an untypical romance and he had to admit that he had gotten caught up in it. He had been having dreams about her, so unlike him that he woke up and had to fight to clear his head enough to walk back onto a set with her and not let it affect him and his work. Again, he shook it off and explained it away with the proximity of their working spaces.
Until their first on-camera kiss. Not usually a big deal for him. He was a professional and with lights and cameras in your face, it was hard to feel anything when you were counting seconds, trying to hold your position and not block the camera angle. It was all very technical stuff. Very little room for allowing yourself to get lost in a moment. He had kissed plenty of actresses, some of them quite good at it, in fact, but his technique had always been to picture Cersie in his mind and the rest had played out as it should. Scene over, next script.
Their scene was to be filmed at night, after a big battle so he had all day to think about it. And he had to admit, it unnerved him. Brienne had come onto set a little off as well, it seemed. She wasn’t her usually bubbly self, teasing him or telling him a joke under her breath, forcing him to painfully hold in his laughter while watching others on set. She had put him into more trouble that way then he cared to admit. But today, when she emerged from makeup and wardrobe, something was off and it made him wonder.
He threw her a questioning look but she pasted a smile on her face and turned to talk to another actress beside her. Confused, he decided that today of all days, they needed all their natural chemistry to pull this off or it would end up being a long and grueling night of take after take. Jaime walked up to her and whispered in her ear.
“So I had this crazy dream last night that the writers decide to kill you off today. Have you...heard from them? Hmmmm. Probably nothing.” He crossed his arms and tapped his lips with his index finger and looked at her sideways.
This late in the season, rumours flew of characters being killed off and it had everyone on edge. Scripts were only given out a few days before filming to keep the leaks out of the press so every time someone received a new script, they frantically scrolled to the back page to see if they had made it. So far, both Brienne and Jaime’s characters had survived the worst of it, but changes were being made last minute. No one really knew when their last day would be and most actors were naturally superstitious.
Brienne turned to Jaime, her blue eyes wide and she shoved him hard enough to put him off balance, to the great delight of Jaime.
“That’s not funny, you bastard!” She laughed. “You MUST be dreaming ‘cause that would never happen. You know my character’s stronger than yours. You would be the first to go, and you know it.”
Still, she looked around her to see if she was indeed being watched by the writers or producers, only to be dragged into a last minute meeting with them. It had happened before, they had both seen it. Jaime laughed out loud at her nervous apprehension.
“Don’t worry! I shouldn’t tease. Not today, anyway.”
“And why not today?”, she tried to sound casual. It was just any other day, right?
“You kidding me? This is it, my friend! One of our last scenes together. You’re going to have to dig deep to outshine me.”, he grinned at her.
“You really are a wee slimy bastard, you know that, right?”, she looked sideways at him, smiling herself.
“Well, not so wee, or so I’m told.”
She rolled her eyes and gave him another shove.
There , he thought. She’s back .
“Actors on set!” someone yelled,
“You ready, California?” He held out a fist.
“I’m ready.”, she replied as her fist fell on his, as they did for all their scenes, and walked onto set together.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Brienne’s nerves were indeed jangly that day. For good reason. Unlike Jaime, she had been well aware of what was going on between them and had been fighting it for years, to no avail. She remembered the exact moment she knew. It was the time they grabbed a bottle of wine and a blanket and went out into a field full of heather and had rehearsed their most intense scene, a scene where Jaime’s character breaks from his usual pompous attitude, and bears his soul to hers. It was a turning point in his character arch and he really wanted to nail that scene together. It had also been a turning point in their relationship, if she was honest with herself. Nothing had been the same for her after that. She sat back on the blanket, slowly sipping her wine, watching him sink into the intensity of his monologue, and she just knew. She loved him. And there had been no turning back since then.
After that, they had very few scenes together and Jaime had spent much of his time shooting in Italy. She had felt the distance. So had Jaime, judging from all his texts.
– Pint @ the Hand? Leaving tomorrow. Last chance to gaze at this devilishly handsome face! ;D –
– At the airport. See you in a week, California! xox J –
– Tell me ALL ABOUT your scenes with Podrick. Missing me yet? ;) –
– Missing your sunny face, bella regazza. Italy is incredibly DULL with you! –
Her heart jumped every...damn...time. So unprofessional to fall in love with a co-worker. So cliche! She should have sat him down and had it out with him, but there was a part of her that wondered if what she suspected was real. She often caught him on the phone with Cersie, and as many times as it seemed tense, they had also seemed very much in love and she just didn’t know where she stood with him. What she did know was her feelings for him were very real and driving her to distraction. It had become increasingly hard for her to feel relaxed around him, although, to be honest, she always felt more herself with him than she had with anyone else she had met.
She had been through a couple relationships in the last few years that he had teased her about endlessly, but nothing had stuck. Nothing compared to what she had with Jaime, frustratingly platonic as it was. He had nursed her through every break up, he had been there for her when her father had died, talking all through the night over bottles of wine and indian food. He had opened up to her a bit about Cersie but it had been clear that subject was mostly off limits. She had respected his need to keep her separate and he had been grateful. She had come to depend on him and when she allowed herself some space to think about it, as she had more often lately, a very real sadness had set in. In a few weeks, he would be going back to Cersie, and she would be flying home for a short time and then to Northern Canada for a new role in a mini-series. When would they ever get the chance to see each other again? So much of her life had been caught up in this bloody role that she loved so much and her growing friendship with him that she feared the gaping hole it would create in her life.
When they had received their script, it was no surprise to her. It was clear from their storyline it would end up here.
Jaime clearly felt the same.
– Are you reading this?? Took them bloody long enough to get here.
How shall we do this? Chaste and tight lipped or should he throw her
to the ground and ravish her? Clearly we’ll need to practice... ;)x –
– What the hell? Are you saying that she doesn’t know how to kiss or that I don’t?
She’s a maid, not a nun!
If she can run a man through, she can sure as hell kiss one! –
– She’s probably an excellent kisser, just not sure about...you...hence the practice. ;D –
– You know nothing. Hang on tight to your...sword, Kingslayer. –
– Well now... Bring it on, California! (lightning emoji)–
Flirting with him was stupid. She knew it. It was only hurting herself but she couldn’t stop. To her it was as natural as breathing.
So it was no wonder that she walked onto set that day, facing this pivotal scene, a bundle of nerves. He had looked as comfortable and at ease with himself as he always was, and it was clear that this wasn’t phasing him a bit. Her heart had sank, but being the actress she was, she used all her skill to put on a mask. She would bloody well act her way out of this fucking day!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
They fought, they battled, they swung their swords on cue. They had practiced this scene for weeks, sweating it out and falling over each other laughing when the other had missed a step or swung to wide and ended up looking like an idiot. It had been far too much fun to be called work but eventually they had perfected the scene and it was impressive to watch their synchronicity. They were naturals and they played off each other’s energy like a dance.
It’s when they turned to each other, fake snow falling on their eyelashes, breathless, dirty and tired, exhilarated from the fight scene, that he realized he wanted this moment. More than anything. He pulled her close for their kiss...and that’s when the penny dropped for Jaime. That’s when he stopped acting and all his pretences came crashing down. His lips locked onto hers and electricity shot through him like wildfire. She felt it too. He pulled back quickly, lingered over her lips for just a moment, contemplating this new awareness before he pulled her in again and kissed her thoroughly, completely. Like a drowning man coming up for air. The cameras, the lights, the dozens of people standing around watching them, it all disappeared and they clung to each other as if they were each other’s breath and letting go would mean a slow death. He just didn’t want to let her go. Eventually, their lips had to part and they looked at each other in wonder. She had the bluest eyes. You could get lost in them.
Her heart was pounding out of her chest. This is it , she thought. The marker that she would measure everything else by. Every one else. The empty hole was already forming in her chest. She took a big breath and steadied herself.
“Chaste, my ass.”, she whispered shakily. He blinked, his eyes widening.
“CUT!”, the director screamed. “Did you guys go completely off script? A little long on the kiss but that was electric! Nice work! We’re done here.” Everyone on set started clapping and with curt smiles, they turned in opposite directions and left the set.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“Fuck!”
Jaime slammed the door to his trailer and leaned against it. He dropped his bag and ran his hands over his face and through his blonde hair. He dropped his fist, hit the door behind him and walked over to the bar, poured himself a whiskey that slopped all over the counter and sat down, running his hands through his hair over and over.
“I’m so fucked.”
He downed his whiskey in two swallows and ran a hot shower, standing under it for a long time.
What now?, he thought. What the actual fuck do I do now?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Brienne collapsed onto her bed, and stared at the ceiling above her.
“Dammit, Brienne.”, she whispered. Her heart ached. She imagined herself walking into his trailer and locking the door behind them just to see what came next. The thought sent a shiver through her.
“You’re such a fool.”
She touched her lips, closed her eyes and re-lived every second of that kiss. She wanted it burned in her memory. It’s all she would ever have.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
That was last week, and since then Jaime had done his best to act as if his reality hadn’t come crashing down that night. As if his world hadn’t just tipped over and come spilling out. All his plans and dreams and intentions lay like puddles on the floor at her feet. Nothing would be the same. Nothing.
If that hadn’t been hard enough, their last scene together the night before was a death scene. She had been right, of course, he mused. His character died before hers, and in fact, in her arms. She had been devastatingly good. She would break hearts across the world, he was sure of it. It had been all he could do not to reach up and wrap her in his arms as she held him and sobbed above him, her tears hitting his cheek and running down his face. He had tasted the salt of them on his lips later. He wondered if any of those tears had been for him. He had never wanted her more than in that moment.
But here he sat in the Golden Hand, at a table full of people, watching his best friend. The one he was in love with. The one he would say goodbye to tomorrow, perhaps forever.
The song ended, the night was coming to a close. A young woman sat on a stool at the front of the stage and as the lights lowered she started strumming her guitar, a slow sweet melody. Davos offered his hand, and Brienne walked into his arms. He whispered something into her ear and she smiled.
Jaime was lost. Heat rose in his chest. The room buzzed around him but his awareness of it all narrowed and disappeared. Maybe it was the scotch, he thought. All he could do was sit, restless but rooted to his seat, stealing glances at Brienne dancing with Davos. He wondered if this is what he would imagine for the rest of his life. Brienne in the arms of another man. How in the bloody hell did it come to this? It hadn’t been the same since that damn kiss. The place in his life that Cersie use to fill was now a restless void, an ache in his chest, filled with a need so great he wasn’t sure how he was going to watch her walk away tomorrow. He just wanted it back the way it was. Back to when they would laugh and tease and flirt. Back when it was easy. We don’t get to choose who we love.
Fuck!
Without a word to anyone he took the last swallow of scotch, stood up and walked towards the dance floor.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“You alright?”
“I think you might have broken a toe or two, but...”, she grinned.
“You know what I mean, Bri.”
She knew exactly what Davos meant. Brienne had tried to play it cool all night, but she knew he saw the tell-tale signs. It had happened, she told herself, and there was no going back. She could handle this. She would say her goodbyes. Time would pass and this ache in her heart would subside. She would fill her days with work and friends and keep herself busy and by the time she came up for air, Jaime would just be someone she used to know from another life. That was her plan.
“I’m fine, Davos. I’ll be ok.”
“Well, you’re about to find out.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, just as I suspected, he’s heading this way. Seems he couldn’t resist.” Davos smiled mischievously.
“Jaime? Is that what this was about?”, she hissed. “He’s coming over here? Davos!!!” He saw the panic in her eyes. “You devil!”
“I prefer angel.” Davos smiled but put his hand on her cheek. “Talk to him.”
“Oh god, do you think he knows?”
“My dear, I not only think he knows, I think he’s in the same damn boat.”
Brienne looked at him incredulously as Jaime approached.
“Jaime.”
“Davos, do you...mind?” Jaime’s eyes met Brienne’s.
“By all means!” Davos sent Brienne a wink and walked back towards the table. She would kill him later.
“Hey, you.”, Jaime held out his hand, always a gentleman, and Brienne placed hers in it.
“Hey, yourself.”
He folded her soft hand in his, wound his arm around her waist and pulled her close as they fell into a slow sway to the music. Her other hand fell lightly on his shoulder and brushed his neck. A shiver ran through him.
Warmth emminated off her from the dancing. He could smell her perfume and a faint scent of shampoo. Here , he thought. Here is exactly where he wanted to be. Here is where he felt alive. Here is where the other half of his heart lived.
“You don’t mind, do you?”
“No, of course not.” She tried to keep her voice calm but she feared he could hear it tremble.
“It’s just that...well, I don’t believe we’ve danced before. Have we?” Should he lay his cards on the table? Open himself up to her? God, he felt like such an idiot. His green eyes searched for a sign, anything that might tell him she felt the same. “Last chance to gaze into this devilishly handsome face.”
She laughed softly and instead dropped her eyes.
“No, I don’t think we have. Unless you count swinging our swords around.” Trying desperately to keep it light, she swallowed and looked away at the other dancers on the floor. She could smell his cologne mixed with a faint hint of scotch and that warm male scent that was only Jaime. Her senses drank it all in. His touch, his scent, his voice in her ear. She felt dizzy. How did you get drunk on a sound?
The girl on stage started to sing softly, pleadingly, into the mic.
You know what I wish?
“No. I’m not counting that.” Jaime smiled. “Brilliant night, huh? Everyone here one last time. Hard to believe it’s all coming to a close.”
It was just you and me,
“Yeah, it is...really feels like an ending to something...significant.”
Sitting in this corner bar,
“Aye. And now you’re off to Canada. You must be thrilled.”
You could tell me how your are.
“Right. Yes. I’m really so excited. It’s going to be a great project.”
“You’ll be brilliant. I’m...really happy for you.”
But I'm not gonna lie,
Or anything...
“Thanks. And you’re working at home in Belfast. Congrats, you. I’m sure that’ll be a relief, you know, closer to Cersie and all. You must miss her.”
He flinched. “Right. Yes, of course. But…”
You don't even have to speak,
“I’m going to miss you, Jaime.” She said softly in his ear before she lost her nerve.
If you keep looking at me.
Jaime closed his eyes, feeling like his heart was carefully being dismantled into pieces. A bit here, a bit there, slowly bleeding out.
“I’ll … miss you too, California.” His voice was gruff. His warm hand pressed on her back, pulling her closer. He breathed in her scent. The girl on stage continued to strum softly.
Well I could go all night,
But they're turning up the lights
He ran his thumb along her knuckles and cleared his throat. “In fact, I’m uhhh...I don’t quite…”, his voice trailed off.
“Hmmm?” She asked quietly, she was sure he could feel her heart thudding against his chest.
It would be so easy,
Do or say anything
“I’ve been such an ass, Brienne, such a damn fool.”
She slowly pulled back and met his eyes. They looked so hurt. So haunted. He took her hand and brought it to his chest, directly above his heart. She could feel the wild thudding beneath.
“...because...I don’t…quite…know how to say goodbye to you, Bri.”
And I'm not gonna lie
I'm not looking for love...
To her astonishment, his eyes reflected back the same ache she herself felt. The years of laughter and friendship, the longing and the love. It was all understood now. She smiled slowly as that empty space started to fill. She brought her hand up to his face and rested it against his cheek. His eyes widened and she wound her arm around his neck, leaned in, resting her cheek against his.
“Maybe just goodnight then.”, she whispered in his ear.
A slow smile spread across his face. He closed his eyes as his heart contracted and he pulled her in close, lips pressed against her neck. He could feel the rhythm of her heart and it matched his perfectly.
I won't let you in my heart
But you were always on my mind
She would give him time. And then he would come for her.
“Aye, alright then. Goodnight, California.”