Archive of Our Own ^beta

The sound of the ticking clock hanging on the wall resounded loudly in the studio when he cut the music off, silence weirdly overwhelming in his ears. Mark dropped down to the floor, staring up at the ceiling and trying to ignore the stickiness of his clothes after 3 hours of non-stop dance practice. It was night time, not too late for him to hate himself the next day once again, but definitely late enough for his eyelids to feel heavy and his limbs sore. He needed a break.

Reaching for his phone next to the speakers, he instantly tapped on the Instagram logo out of habit. He wasn’t proud to say that he’d been using that app quite frequently lately. He followed other idols in there and although he didn’t post much himself, he liked checking out other people’s photos.

He had created an account when he first debuted and, even though he wouldn’t acknowledge it to anyone out loud, he was a little bit obsessed with certain people’s profiles. Scrolling down his Instagram feed, he stumbled upon a photo of Wonho from Monsta X.

The photo he was currently looking at was a gym selfie, and normally, he wouldn’t like that type of content at all. But, well, Wonho was looking very nice to put it some way. The shirt he was wearing was tight-fitted, the cap on top of his head obscuring his features and his shorts revealing enough for his very muscly thighs to peak out from under the fabric. A very nice picture indeed.

Mark locked the screen and sighed out loud, right arm covering his eyes and body sprawled out on the hard floor of the practice room. He should unfollow Wonho, not because he didn’t like the guy, but because he probably liked him too much, and he wasn’t supposed to feel like that.

But if Mark was honest with himself, Wonho wasn’t the first guy he had felt attracted to, so he should be at least a little bit used to the guilty feeling crawling in his stomach by now. But he wasn’t. And he thought he’d never be.

The first time he indulged such a thought, Mark was 13 and going through one of the most chaotic periods of his entire short life. Moving from Canada to Seoul was a feat in itself, and although his parents accompanied him along the way and stayed in South Korea until he was settled down, the process was still stressful for him to say the least. There were a lot of changes going on in his life at that time: he had to get fluid at a very foreign language for him, had to get used to a new culture and lifestyle, had to learn to live away from his parents... He had to do a lot of things, but 13-year-old Mark deemed it all worth it if it meant fulfilling his dreams of becoming an artist.

During the first few months of his trainee period, he met a lot of new people. Mark saw it as both refreshing and as a nuisance since he was able to make new friends, but at the same time couldn’t get too attached to anyone since he never knew who would get dropped along the way. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, but he eventually got used rather quickly to the fast-paced cruel lifestyle that meant being an SM trainee.

Hence, when one night, after a long day of rehearsing and training for the monthly evaluation, Mark got the sudden urge to cuddle one of his friends, Choi Dongyul, he blamed it on the chaos reigning in his life. They were chilling back at the dorms, watching a very bad show that everyone else apart from him seemed to enjoy. The sofa wasn’t too big and they were all squeezed together in order to fit in. His friend, who also happened to be his roommate at that time, was bright, cheerful and just a bit of a brat, and he was practically sitting on top of him because of the lack of space. Maybe he was bored since he couldn’t understand 100 per cent what the show was about. Maybe the exhaustion was messing up with his head. Maybe all the stress that he’d been put under for the past few months was finally catching up with him. Whatever it was, he felt an undeniable need to touch his friend, to hold him closer, to cuddle up against him.

For the majority of people, cuddling and being touchy with a friend wouldn’t be such an outrageous thought, but for Mark Lee, who was known to be a skinship hater, it was definitely something out of character. That night, he made up a very bad excuse to get away with sleeping on the sofa of the living room.

When the same thing happened again a couple of times more after that, Mark started to worry about it more seriously. But, luckily or not –considering he was losing one of the closest friends he had inside of SM at that time–, Dongyul got dropped on the sixth month and he thought he wouldn’t have to worry about that kind of feeling anymore.

But he was wrong.

Barely a year and a half had gone by since he’d joined SM, when some fortunate trainees got the chance to attend an EXO concert. Mark so happened to be one of them. A great chunk of the trainees that started training at the same time as Mark did –or even before him– had been eliminated already, and the constant dreadful goodbyes were starting to take a tool on him. The offer to attend such a cool event was a rush of fresh air for Mark, something to get excited about and get him in a better mood. He was beyond excited.

The seats where they were sitting at were quite good: not too far away for his sunbaes to look like ants, but not too close to be in the middle of the crowd where everyone else was canned up like sardines. He was having a great time, laughing more than he could remember doing for the past two months. They ate a lot of junk food, sang and rapped at the top of their lungs, joked around imagining that it was them performing at the stage, took hundreds of pictures and videos and, overall, enjoyed themselves to the fullest, knowing very well that it was just a very short break in their otherwise very stressful lives. Everything was going alright until the song Playboy started resonating around the concert hall.

The crowd went crazy, the lights deemed out and the three huge screen-panels attached to the furthest wall of the concert hall zoomed in close to the members dancing. Suddenly, the middle and bigger screen focused on Kai, a role model for a lot of trainees that wanted to become main dancers in their groups (if they ever got to debut), but also well-known and beloved by many because of his sexiness. Mark swears that his heart stopped beating when he watched him start dancing. His moves were so powerful and precise yet so sensual and fluid; it felt like being hypnotized. Mark had seen a lot of good dancers in his life and a lot of sexy performances on top of that, but he’d never felt the way he did that day, staring, open-mouthed, at a screen of Kai grinding on air to the beat of Playboy.

When he had to excuse himself to go the bathroom in fear that the others would notice the state he was in, he was half hyperventilating. He had forgotten that feeling, the feeling of being attracted to someone that way, and the sensation in his lower belly made him feel so guilty that he felt like puking. Don’t get him wrong, Mark had felt attraction before, but always towards females. And, somehow, it was a completely different feeling.

It took him 20 minutes and a call from his friends to coax himself out of the bathroom, and although he was able to fool everyone into thinking that he’d just gotten a stomachache from all the junk food they’d consumed, he couldn’t bring himself to look at the big screens again after it.

But all worries about what those weird feelings could mean went out of the window when he met Kim Seolhee, a fellow female trainee that had the biggest and sweetest smile Mark had ever seen in his life. He was 16 at that time and already one of the fixed members elected to debut, so Mark was a little bit more relaxed, both emotionally and physically. Therefore, when two days before his birthday Mark received a hand-written letter and a box full of his favourite sweets from Canada from a smiling and confident Kim Seolhee, he couldn’t stop himself from agreeing to go on a date with her.

Kim Seolhee was sweet, pretty and carried herself with such a confidence that made him feel very interested towards her. Like this, they started dating and it was exhilarating while it lasted; all were good memories since they couldn’t see each other that often anyways. Looking back at it, Mark would consider Seolhee his first real crush since, although their relationship didn’t last long and they saw each other less than twice a week, it was the first time he developed feelings for someone. However, she ended up being, once again, kicked out by SM, so Mark had to say goodbye to her and carry on. By now, he was more than used to that crushing feeling.

But if Mark thought that he’d experienced attraction towards men a couple of times before, it was nothing compared to what he had to go through after he debuted, being constantly surrounded by gorgeous male idols. It scared him to no end.

They were having a comeback in a couple of weeks and everyone was both exhausted because of it and excited for it. This time, Mark really liked the concept, so he was putting extra effort in his practicing. NCT was starting to become well-known, and although that meant more pressure, it also meant that they were doing something right. They were invited to lots of TV shows, had lots of interviews and had released a lot of content. Everything was going smoothly, so Mark tried really hard to ignore his stupid crushes on some male idols, including Monsta X’s Wonho and his Instagram profile.

“Hyung, what are you doing on the floor?”

Donghyuck’s voice startled him, causing his phone to fall down from his chest to the ground.

“Uh, hey Donghyuck, I was resting for a little bit,” Mark incorporated his exhausted body and smiled at the younger.

“I came to check on you. Everyone is leaving already,” Donghyuck said, yawning loudly and waddling towards the rapper. “By the way, can you lend me your phone? Mine ran out of battery and I need to ask manager-hyung to come and pick us up.”

“Yeah, suit yourself.”

Standing up, he left the younger to his own devices since he already knew his phone password anyway and started to gather his belongings from all over the studio room, already daydreaming about a hot shower and his comfy bed.

“Oh, that’s a nice picture,” Donghyuck said, voice a mix of amusement and curiosity. “Didn’t know that you two were friends.”

It took Mark a couple of seconds to process what Donghyuck was referring to, and when he did, he stumbled on himself in his haste to get to the younger and snatch his phone back.

“Uhm, we’re not, actually. We just follow each other on Instagram,” he said after clearing his throat and making sure that he wasn’t going to choke on his own embarrassment.

Mark tried to escape the situation by leaving the room as fast as he could but Donghyuck snatched the phone back, typing his phone code successfully once again.

“Donghyuck, give it back!”

“Oh, c’mon hyung, you know I haven’t been on Instagram for two months now. Indulge me for a little bit.” Mark recognized the younger’s voice instantly as his ‘I-want-to-get-something-from-you’ voice, and knew better than to fall for it.

“Not my fault you got grounded for going to sleep too late every night because you were checking your Instagram. And don’t believe I don’t know that you use Taeil’s account almost every day,” he counter-attacked, trying really hard to get the phone back. Donghyuck could be very sneaky when he wanted to.

“Wow, this dude’s Instagram is full of gym pics. I didn’t peg you like the type to like this kind of photos,” the vocal teased him, scrolling down through Wonho’s profile.

“I don’t. We’re just Instagram friends. Now give it back!” Mark could feel his face turning red as a tomato, and when he finally snatched back his phone, he stuffed it in his front pocket to make sure that Donghyuck wouldn’t try to steal it again.

“Chill, hyung. I just wanted to know what had you so entranced to make you stop practicing for even 2 minutes,” the younger said, smiling innocently at him.

Mark didn’t even bother to wait for Donghyuck to catch up with him, walking fast down the hallway in hopes of encountering any of the other members to get rid of Donghyuck. As much as he liked the younger, he could be very annoying when he wanted to. And that meant pretty much all the time.

Mark was about to snark back a reply when Taeyong appeared on his field of vision, saving him for the day.

“Hyung! Is manager-hyung here already?” He hastily asked the leader, ignoring Donghyuck’s babbling in the background.

“Yeah, I was about to call you guys.” With a raised eyebrow he looked between Mark and Donghyuck, a knowing smile spreading on his beautiful face. “Bickering again?”

“He stole my phone to–”

“I was just checking on him and–”

Both of them started talking at the same time, making Taeyong laugh out loud. “Alright, alright, whatever. Let’s just get going, tomorrow we need to wake up early.”

When Taeyong turned around, Donghyuck smiled innocently at him again and whispered in his ear, “If you ever mature past gym pics, I’ll be more than glad to share with you some of my favourite male Instagram profiles.”

Male Instagram profiles.

Mark went on a coughing fit.

The van was weirdly silent apart from the quiet snores from some of the members. They were all exhausted, their schedule packed now that they’d finally had their comeback. Their last activity of the day was an interview, and Mark was fighting with himself to not fall asleep for the majority of it. But, against his better judgement, he couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes and rest for a bit now that it was over and they were heading to their dorms. If he’d learnt something after being an idol for two years, it was that you should take every opportunity that you had to rest if you wanted to remain sane. However, his muscles refused to relax and his brain remained restless. Sighing out loud, he gave up and opened his eyes again, gaze automatically focusing on the tuft of brownish hair in front of him.

He was sitting at the back of the van in between Jaehyun and Doyoung, both of them deeply asleep. In the row of seats immediately in front of him, there was Donghyuck at the far-right seat, next to Yuta and Winwin. The maknae looked peaceful resting his head against the window, soft puffs of air fogging up the glass every time he exhaled.

Mark wanted to wake him up and disrupt that calmness.

Sighing again, he squeezed his eyes closed and tried as hard as he could to think about anything else but what had been plaguing his thoughts for two weeks now. He hated himself for forgetting his earplugs at the dorms since music always made him feel better.

Donghyuck was the one at fault and the guy wasn’t even aware of it, and that infuriated Mark to no end.

Ever since he teased him that day back at the studio for following Wonho and his ‘mostly gym pics’ on Instagram, Mark had been having a hard time focusing on anything else. It wasn’t because of Donghyuck catching him red-handed stalking another idol, but because of the last thing he whispered in his ear before purposefully ignoring him for the rest of the day.

Mark couldn’t stop thinking about it: did Donghyuck follow lots of male idols on Instagram? Did he spend as much time as he himself did browsing their profiles to check for any new updates? What did he mean when he said ‘mature past gym pics’? What type of content he liked to see?

It was really making him go crazy and the worst part was that the youngest didn’t even mention to him again anything about it ever since, not even when he caught Mark stalking G-Dragon's Instagram profile two days ago.

Before he could keep on plotting on how to disturb the other’s calm sleep, their manager pulled over in front of their dorm, instructing them with a gentle voice to get up and go inside. Mark followed his half-asleep hyungs inside of the dorms, begrudgingly keeping a clinging Donghyuck from face-planting the floor.

Three days later, and Mark couldn’t take it anymore.

He’d made up his mind and he was going to ask Donghyuck about it that very same night, no matter what. Despite of knowing that the younger would probably tease him about it for months and embarrass him every chance he got, his brain simply couldn’t stop thinking about it and making up stupid theories.

Donghyuck was probably just joking around. Messing with him was his number one hobby anyways, so Mark shouldn’t be looking too much into it. But, Donghyuck had said ‘male Instagram accounts’, and since then, it was like Mark’s brain had been making him purposefully remember every single occasion in which Donghyuck had said something that would remotely hint at him liking boys in that way.

Mark suddenly remembered crystal clear that time, when they were still trainees, when Yuta-hyung decided to make them watch ‘Brokeback Mountain’ –a movie that made Mark very uncomfortable because of his own insecurities, thank you very much. Donghyuck, sitting next to him on the floor, spent the whole movie crying. Mark thought that it was understandable, the movie was good but one of the saddest ones he’d ever watched. But later, when he asked Donghyuck in their shared room why was he still crying hours after the movie had finished, the younger had looked at him with those big eyes of his and replied with a ‘It’s just so unfair hyung, it shouldn’t be like that. What the fuck matters if I-, I mean, if someone likes boys or girls?’. At that time, Mark didn’t pay attention at the pronoun slip.

He also remembered all the times Donghyuck had complimented –in a rather enthusiastic way, Mark would say– male idols after watching their performances, or all the times the younger had shown him fancams of EXO, Shinhwa or GOT7 members in the middle of the night without any explanation. And, obviously, he couldn’t forget that one time Mark was almost sure that he had caught Donghyuck flirting with a boy on his phone. He couldn’t recognize who he was talking to by his Kakaotalk nickname, but he could tell that they were definitely male judging from his profile picture.

All these memories were crowding his mind alongside his own stupid confused feelings and Mark was aware that there was the possibility that he was projecting his own struggles onto Donghyuck. But, in the end, Mark decided that he truly needed to talk about it with someone.

Maybe starting by asking Donghyuck about more male Instagram accounts to follow was a good place to begin with.

Time seemed to go by too quickly for Mark’s liking. Before he realized, it was already dinner time and they were all sitting around their kitchen table and babbling about their day. Mark wasn’t hungry at all, and if anyone noticed him picking at his food and sneakily moving some of it to Winwin’s plate, no one said anything.

Suddenly, he felt someone pinching his thigh under the table, effectively making him squeak out loud. Johnny, sitting directly in front of him, looked at him and raised an eyebrow questioningly. Mark simply shrugged, immediately looking at his left to discover the culprit trying to hide his laughing behind a glass of water.

“Everything alright, hyung?” Donghyuck asked him innocently, smirk still tugging at the corner of his lips.

Mark sighed. In any other occasion, he would’ve responded to Donghyuck’s teasing right off the bat, but the younger was the reason behind his queasy stomach and overall nervousness to begin with, so he didn’t have the energy for it.

He simply shrugged again, busying himself by chewing on a clump of cold noodles. And if he caught Johnny and Donghyuck sharing a look across the table, he ignored it as best as he could.

When the water became too cold for the rapper to stay in the shower any longer, he had to force himself to stop making up excuses and go straight to his shared room with Donghyuck. Before making up his courage, he’d done everything in his hands to delay the moment: he’d voluntarily stayed behind with Doyoung and Taeil washing the dishes even if it wasn’t his duty that week, he had sat down with Yuta in the living room and watched that weird anime that he didn’t like just so he could be the last one to shower for the day and, when it was finally his turn, he had stood under the shower as long as his shivering body allowed him to long after the water had ran cold. He had no more excuses, so he opened the door to their room, internally wishing that Donghyuck would be already asleep.

“Hyung, what’s wrong with you?” Definitely not asleep.

Mark stood awkwardly in front of the door, not expecting the younger to assault him as soon as he entered the room. He was aware that he was an open book when something worried him, everyone relatively close to him had told him so at some point, but this time, he’d really tried to mask it. Obviously, it hadn’t worked.

“I want to see those Instagram profiles you were talking about,” Mark blurted out.

He would’ve laughed at Donghyuck’s face if it wasn’t for his own surprise. He’d never been a straightforward person, so his own bluntness was a surprise for himself as well.

“Uh… Sure hyung, erm,” Donghyuck struggled with his words, definitely not expecting Mark’s request. “But I don’t have access to my Instagram account, remember?”

Mark deflated. He’d forgotten.

“Oh, yeah. Can’t you use mine?”

“Erm, the– the accounts are private, hyung,” he explained.

Mark could tell that the younger was caught off guard, his voice shaky and demeanor unusually nervous. Mark realized then that Donghyuck hadn’t expected him to ever act on his offer, so he was taken aback by his request.

“Okay then, never mind. How was vocal training today?” He simply gave up, trying to move onto a safer topic. He could tell that his request made the younger uncomfortable, and well, he was uncomfortable too to say the least. Donghyuck was obviously messing with him the other day, so there was no point in trying to push that conversation. At least that was what he told himself to try and get rid of the sudden feeling of disappointment washing over him.

“Why are you asking me that all of a sudden?” Donghyuck insisted, ignoring his pathetic attempt at changing topics.

“I was curious, that’s all.”

Mark finally felt the energy to move again, and tried to get to his armoire to prepare his clothes for the next day but, suddenly, Donghyuck grabbed his wrist, making him come to a halt.

“Just curious?”

Mark stared at the vocal. Donghyuck’s eyes were fixated on his, hand firmly wrapped around the rapper’s wrist and face unnervingly serious for once. He was still sitting on his bed, laptop long forgotten by his side.

“Yes. Just curious Donghyuck. Don’t look too deep into it,” he tried to defend himself.

Somehow, Donghyuck’s voice and gaze made him feel as if the younger already knew the real reason behind his request. As if he knew it all about Choi Dongyul, Kai and all his other male idol crushes.

Donghyuck didn’t avert his eyes, silently keeping eye contact as if looking for something inside of Mark’s. And whatever he was looking for, he seemed to find it.

“I don’t have access to my Instagram account, but I have this,” he murmured slowly, dropping his wrist.

Mark instantly missed the warmth of his fingers.

The vocal turned around to grab his laptop and placed it on his lap, and for a moment, the only noise inside of the room was the sound of Donghyuck typing on his keyboard. After what felt like hours, the younger turned the laptop around so the screen was facing Mark.

“What’s this?”

Mark squinted at the screen. He didn’t recognize the website at all, but something about the interface and the photos popping up on the screen made him feel uneasy. It was all male photos.

“Something that may quench your… curiosity,” the vocal’s voice was suddenly very low, barely a whisper. “They take privacy very seriously, so you don’t need to worry about anything. People here are very friendly, I’ve been using it for a while and–”

“Wait. Is this a gay dating website?” Mark took a step back, voice trembling.

“No. Well, not exactly. It could be, if you wanted to, but it’s just a chatroom. I use it to meet new people, it’s like a community, you know? As I said before, people here are very friendly and open-minded, so–”

“Why are you showing me this?”

Donghyuck’s face scrunched up in a grimace, as if Mark’s harsh tone physically pained him. “I thought you were curious.”

“Me wanting to check other people’s Instagram profiles doesn’t mean that I’d be interested in… in that,” he spat back.

Mark knew that he was being a total asshole. And a hypocrite. A hypocrite asshole. Donghyuck was right, he was curious, and definitely curious about what the vocal was hinting at, but he couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t just sit down next to his best friend and go along with it, casually asking him about the website. He couldn’t do it.

Donghyuck closed down the laptop’s lid, moving it to the side.

“Mark, I’m your best friend, we’ve known each other for more than 5 years,” he started, hands fumbling with each other on his lap. “I was there when you freaked out at EXO’s concert when Kai started dancing, I was the one that called you. And I was also there when you cried every night for almost a month when Dongyul left SM, too. And I’ve seen how you look at Jaebum or Wonho when–”

“Are you saying that I’m gay?”

Donghyuck stared at him.

“I’m not. I’m just saying that I get it, I’ve been through the same thing, Mark. And I want to help my best friend, can’t I?” He said softly.

Donghyuck looked and talked to him as if Mark was a feral beast about to turn around and attack him, and the rapper felt as if he was caught between a rock and a hard place. It turned out that Donghyuck did know all about his deepest secrets.

Mark needed to get out and run away from Donghyuck’s big eyes and sincere words.

“No. You can’t.” Without waiting for the other’s reply, he walked as fast as he could to the door and left the room without looking back.

That night, as three or four years ago, he spent the night blaringly looking up at the ceiling from the living room's sofa.

To say that those had been Mark’s worst two weeks in a long, long time, wasn’t an exaggeration.

He’d spent the days avoiding Donghyuck as much as he could –taking into account that they lived together, shared the same room and were in the same group. And that meant making up any type of excuse to spend as little time as possible in their room. Mark woke up extra early every day to be the first one out of the room, taking advantage of early risers like Taeyong and Jaehyun to shield himself from Donghyuck during breakfast. Throughout dance practice, he made it his goal to be as far away from the vocal as possible, and made sure to stay behind in the studio allegeding that he needed more practice. And when he finally went back to the dorms, everyone was already sleeping or in their rooms, and if Donghyuck wasn’t sleeping when he entered theirs, he always pretended not to notice Mark. And that was the worst part.

Donghyuck, despite of what Mark had originally thought, didn’t try to approach or confront the rapper at all. He didn’t completely ignore him, but he didn’t look for him either like he usually did. And Mark wouldn’t acknowledge it to anyone, but he definitely missed Donghyuck’s teasing, jokes and smiles. He missed his warmth and his bluntness. He missed him overall.

And there also was the immense guilty feeling residing deep inside his gut that prevented him from sleeping, eating or doing anything correctly in general. In two weeks, Mark had been scolded so many times that he felt like a trainee all over again. He was going insane.

“Rough night?” Jaehyun asked him, hand stirring noisily his morning coffee mug in front of Mark.

“Kind of,” he agreed. He might have been able to fool his fans, but he couldn’t hide the huge dark circles under his eyes from his members.

Jaehyun hummed, right hand still stirring the black liquid. Mark scrunched up his nose, the smell was very pungent. “Taeyong-hyung told me that yesterday’s rapping lesson didn’t go too well.”

Mark looked up from his bowl of soggy cereal. “It was okay,” he lied.

It had been a disaster. Somehow, he had completely forgotten about the lyrics he was supposed to compose and bring with him yesterday, and on top of that, he had also managed to completely forget the lyrics of the song he and Taeyong had been working on for almost a month.

Jaehyun looked back at him, and just from his gaze, Mark knew that he knew he was lying. The vocal kept on stirring his coffee.

“That’s good, then.”

Mark was relieved at Jaehyun letting it go. He definitely didn’t need any more scolding after yesterday’s fiasco. He looked back at his almost untouched bowl of now mostly dissolved cereal, tightly squeezing his eyes when the spoon Jaehyun was using seemed to clank even louder against the rim of the mug.

“How’s your ankle doing today?” The older spoke up again.

Mark opened his eyes and dragged them to focus on his hyung’s face. He had been hoping to spend his breakfast in silence before the others woke up as well, but it seemed like Jaehyun was on a chatting mood.

“It feels better. I was just tired,” he lied again.

Mark had been, indeed, tired, but the main reason as of why he fell face-first to the floor three days ago was because he almost ran into Donghyuck while practicing one of their song’s choreography. The excuse that day had been that he’d twisted his ankle.

Jaehyun’s face was neutral and his body unmoving. Well, everything but his damn right hand. How much longer did he need to stir his coffee?

“And what about your phone–?”

“Can you fucking stop that?” He suddenly blurted out, pointing at the older’s mug of coffee. The hand stilled.

Mark took a deep breath and finally relaxed on his seat. The noise was driving him crazy and–

“Oh my god. Fuck, I’m sorry hyung. I-, I didn’t mean to curse at you!” He hastily apologized. He’d freaking snapped at his hyung and on top of that cursed at him. What was wrong with him? “I’ve just been getting very little sleep and–”

“Have you tried making up with Donghyuck? It may help with your insomnia,” Jaehyun cut him off, voice soft and eyes understanding.

Mark looked away.

There it was. The question he’d been dreading since the night he fought with Donghyuck.

He knew the others were aware that something was off between the maknaes, but he’d hoped that they’d let them out of the hook like they usually did when two members fought with each other. Normally, they would let the problem be solved out by those involved themselves, but Mark guessed that two weeks of awkwardness had been enough for his hyungs. He just wished that Jaehyun hadn’t been the one to make the intervention. Mark always had suspected that the older had some type of superpower that made you feel extra guilty without directly scolding you.

When Mark remained silent after a few seconds, Jaehyun started stirring his coffee again, this time, purposefully clanking the spoon against the interior of the mug as loud as he could.

“Okay, okay! I’ll talk about it!” He gave up, grabbing his hyung’s right wrist to prevent him from stirring his coffee any longer.

Jaehyun’s lips curled into a smirk. He was evil. “I’m all ears.”

“I… We…” Mark stopped and took a deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts logically. “I was an asshole to Donghyuck.” He finally blurted out.

“That I could imagine,” Jaehyun replied back, taking a sip of the offending liquid.

“Hyuuung,” he whined. “It could’ve been the other way around!”

“This time I could tell that you were the one at fault, Mark,” he said, voice admonishing.

Mark sighed out loud. “I… I don’t know how to start, it’s more complicated than it looks.”

Jaehyun put down the mug, reaching out to grab one of Mark’s hands. “Look, you don’t need to explain to me what happened. I’m not going to force you to do that,” a wave of relief washed over Mark. “I just wanted to tell you that whatever happened between Donghyuck and you needs to be solved out. And if you are the one at fault, you need to approach him first.”

Mark’s gut wrenched painfully with anxiousness. He knew that Jaehyun was right.

“I know, it’s just easier said than done.”

Jaehyun smiled at him, relaxing back into his seat and letting go of Mark’s hand.

“I have faith in you.”

Mark wasn’t so sure.

The first step in trying to apologize to Donghyuck was to stop avoiding him. So, when Mark returned back to the dorms with all of them, the vocal eyed him curiously.

Dinner passed rather quickly and uneventfully, and Mark made sure to be the first one to shower when he finished his food. When no one complained at that, as uncommon as it was, it confirmed Mark’s suspicions that everyone already knew that they were fighting and that he was finally trying to solve it out. Mark tried not to think about it to avoid feeling pressured.

After showering and brushing his teeth, he went straight to his room, and waited, anxiously, for Donghyuck to open the door. Lots of scenarios crossed his mind, from apologizing right off the bat to trying to start a regular conversation first to smooth things out before jumping into the pool. But all his plans went to waste when the younger male made his appearance after what felt like hours.

Mark simply froze on top of his bed, stupidly blinking up at Donghyuck in silence. The vocal noticed his stare straight away and frowned, clearly confused. After a couple of awkward seconds in which none of them muttered a word, the younger sighed disappointedly and moved towards his bed.

The rapper freaked out. He really needed to speak up and say something to Donghyuck before the moment passed. Desperately searching for anything to say, his mouth suddenly opened on his own accord and,

“You were right. I think I’m gay.”

Donghyuck blanched.

Mark internally cursed at himself.

“You what?” Donghyuck asked, voice an octave higher.

He was standing between Mark’s and his own bed, clearly stunned from Mark’s straightforward confession. Well, he himself was surprised too once again. It looked like he suddenly couldn’t function like a normal human being around Donghyuck.

“I mean. I don’t know… It’s just… Everything you said that day, about Dongyul, Kai and- it, it was true, you know? And I’m such a hypocrite. I was such a dickhead to you and you didn’t deserve it, and you were trying to be a good friend and–”

“Mark, take a breath. Relax,” the vocal ordered to him, finally taking a seat on his bed and facing the rapper.

“It’s just… Everything is so complicated. And I feel… wrong? I don’t know how to explain it.”

“I know, I told you. I went through the same thing,” Donghyuck reassured him. “But you’re right, you were a total dickhead and I didn’t deserve any of that treatment.”

Mark sighed out loud and nodded, accepting all the blame. “You’re right, I’m sorry Hyuck. I freaked out.”

Silence fell upon them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was the type of silence that he was only capable of sharing with those closest to him. Mark smiled at the younger and the younger smiled back. He was so grateful for Donghyuck’s understanding; he honestly hadn’t expected for things to go that way, but he wasn’t complaining. At least Donghyuck had forgiven him now.

“I think I need to apologize as well,” Donghyuck suddenly spoke up. “I assaulted you with something so sensitive like this… Your reaction was honestly expected.”

“I just… I don’t think I was prepared to accept or talk about it,” Mark agreed, looking down at his feet.

“What about now?”

Mark looked up again. “What do you mean?”

“Are you ready to talk about it now?”

Mark pressed his lips into a thin line and thought deeply about it.

This was Donghyuck, his best friend, the one that basically confessed to him that he himself was gay two weeks ago when Mark was an asshole to him. The same person that had probably watched every Baekhyun’s fancam to ever exist. The same person that squealed at Mark every time that Ikon’s Bobby so much as glanced his way. If someone would understand his struggle, that would be him.

“I’m so confused, Hyuck. I simply don’t get myself,” he started out as a response. “When I realized that I had feelings for Dongyul I freaked out so badly… I spent almost a month avoiding him like the plague, and I hated myself so much when SM kicked him out and I couldn’t apologize to him... And then, then it was Kai. That day, I felt like the dirtiest person ever when I got a fucking boner in the middle of the concert. But, then Seolhee happened. And everything was normal, you know? Seolhee was a girl and my feelings were normal. It was okay, but she left too. I honestly thought that it had been just a phase, something to laugh at in ten years with my wife, but… It didn’t go away Hyuck, it kept on happening to me. And I just… What if I want a husband instead?” Mark felt himself literally deflate, as if saying all of that out loud had physically alleviated his body.

Donghyuck’s expression was serious and it made Mark physically shudder. He wasn’t used to this side of him.

“I think you’re bi,” he blurted out.

“Bi? You mean I like both?”

“Yeah, exactly. It could be, you know? Or maybe you’re just confused. If I’m not wrong, you’ve only had experienced with females, so maybe you’re just attracted to men but not really interested,” Donghyuck calmly explained to him.

Somehow, the vocal’s words didn’t sound right to him.

“Maybe…”

They fell silent once again and Donghyuck stood up, clearly attempting to get ready for bed. When he had set his alarm and prepared his clothes for the next day, body fully covered by his bed’s blanket, he looked up at Mark again, who was still sitting in the same position as before.

“We’re fine now, right?” The vocal asked him, hands fisting the covers.

“Yeah, we are.”

Smiling at him, Donghyuck exhaled relieved and laid down, closing his eyes. Mark took it as a signal to get ready for bed himself. And after getting ready as well, he shut the lights off and turned around in his bed to face the younger.

They both had forgotten to close the curtains and the moon’s ghostly shine illuminated the room in a pale glow. From his bed, Mark could discern Donghyuck’s silhouette, see his body shifting slightly with every breath he took.

Mark hadn’t lied to him when he said that they were fine now, but something at the back of his mind told him otherwise. Biting down on his lower lip, he laid on his back to stare at the ceiling.

“Hyuck?”

“Hmm?” The younger replied sleepily.

“Do you… Do you think you could help me?”

Silence.

The rustling coming from Donghyuck’s bed told Mark that the younger was now facing him.

“With what?” His voice was weirdly husky, and it made shivers ran down the rapper’s spine.

“With figuring out if I’m really interested in men.”

The words floated around the room and Mark squeezed his eyes closed waiting for a response.

He was terrified. On one hand, he didn’t want the vocal to think that he was just using him to sort out his sexuality crisis, but on the other hand, that was exactly what he was doing, and he hated himself for that. But there was something more, something else that pushed Mark and made him say those words.

When seconds became minutes and Donghyuck still hadn’t said a word, he instantly regretted saying anything. Mark started to try and muster up his courage to apologize once again when, suddenly, he felt his bed dipping with the weight of another person. Mark gasped out loud, surprised. He hadn’t even heard the other moving across the room.

He kept his eyes closed.

Mark felt the younger’s weight on him when Donghyuck straddled his hips and, despite of the blanket and the layers of clothes separating their bodies, the vocal’s body felt very warm against his.

The rapper felt his pillow dipping as well when Donghyuck leaned on him with his left hand supporting his body next to his head. Suddenly, he felt the younger’s right hand grabbing his chin softly.

Mark realized then, that the younger was doing his best in trying to keep as much distance as possible between them, body barely pressing down against his where his hips met, and right hand a barely-there presence on his chin. It clicked. The younger was giving him space to pull back, to push him a way. That made him open his eyes and blink up until Donghyuck’s face, both close and too far at the same time, became clear above him.

Their eyes met, but neither of them said a word. And it wasn’t like Mark didn’t have thousands of things to say, but he honestly couldn’t find the energy to speak up. He hoped that Donghyuck could see in his eyes that he was okay with this, that he wasn’t going to push him away.

It seemed like the younger had gotten the message when, after a while, he started to inch down very slowly, eyes never moving away from Mark’s. The short distance separating Donghyuck’s face from the rapper’s felt like kilometers with the way the vocal was moving down centimeter by centimeter. And Mark felt the sudden urge to whine. He was definitely going crazy.

When Donghyuck’s nose brushed his and the younger’s breaths tickled his face, Mark closed his eyes again, lips parting slightly and his whole body buzzing with both nervousness and anticipation. It felt like hours, but Donghyuck finally closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against Mark’s.

At first, the vocal’s lips remained completely still, but it was enough for a tingling sensation to spread all over the rapper’s body. Donghyuck’s lips were smooth against his, a little bit dry and chapped, but definitely firm. Mark got the sudden urge to make them wet, and without thinking it twice, he dragged his tongue out and ran it over the vocal’s lower lip in a slow stroke. Donghyuck gasped against his lips, body faltering and pressing harder against his.

Encouraged by Mark’s boldness, the younger parted his lips as well, face twisting slightly to better adjust their lips against each other. His lips moved against the rapper’s, slowly, very slowly. And close, so close that Mark could feel Donghyuck’s fluttering eyelashes against his left temple. It was agonizingly good.

But Mark was impatient. He wanted more. He needed more.

Before he himself could realize it, his arms had moved on its own accord and wrapped themselves around Donghyuck’s neck, forcing the younger down and closer against him. Feeling the vocal so close and pressed up to his body made him shiver all over.

Donghyuck got the hint and started to move his lips faster, firmer. The younger’s right hand moved towards Mark’s face, fingers cupping the rapper’s left side of the face carefully. And, suddenly, when Mark least expected it, Donghyuck’s tongue licked his bottom lip, making him draw in a harsh breath. The vocal took the opportunity to slip his tongue inside Mark’s mouth, effectively earning a low, throaty moan from the older.

Mark had had lots of kisses before, but something about the way Donghyuck was handling him, caressing him, kissing him… Something about Donghyuck himself was driving him crazy, making him bold, impatient.

Without thinking it twice, he curled his fingers around the younger’s soft strands of hair at the back of his neck, trying to get him closer if that was even possible. Donghyuck’s tongue was softly caressing his, the thumb resting on the juncture between his jaw and ear drawing slow patterns against Mark’s skin. Mark couldn’t refrain himself.

Moving his hands from Donghyuck’s neck to his waist in a swift movement, he pushed the younger down, making him lay on his back and effectively making a mess of the sheets and blankets in between them. Donghyuck gasped again, surprised, looking up at the older.

Mark felt like a trapped animal, definitely too winded up from just a kiss. And an innocent one on top of that.

Donghyuck hadn’t been anything but gentle, careful. But there was something about him… Mark just couldn’t stop himself when his hands pushed the blankets away and his body dived down against Donghyuck’s, the both of them groaning out loud when their bodies collided.

Donghyuck’s right hand immediately moved towards Mark’s neck, the other sneaking around the older’s waist and pushing on his lower back to make him press closer to him. Mark felt feverish, dizzy. Overwhelmed, in a weird but pleasant way.

As if reading each other’s minds, they both searched each other’s mouths at the same time, lips immediately encountering halfway. Their lips connected again, their mouths caressed each other again, they breathed and swallowed each other’s gasps and moans, again.

Mark didn’t know how long they spent kissing each other. Slow but fast. Softly but passionately. Lazily but desperately… They just kissed, pressing their bodies close and fumbling with their hands against each other, somehow wanting to get even closer. And, when the growing but burning feeling in his lower stomach seemed to get too out of hand, Mark stopped himself, forehead resting against Donghyuck’s.

They were both panting harshly, half-lidded eyes staring at each other, bodies unmoving.

“Honestly? I think you’re definitely interested in men,” Donghyuck whispered breathlessly with a smirk tugging at his lips.

“Yeah, I think so too,” Mark smiled back.

That night, Mark didn’t sleep in the sofa. When they had both calmed down enough, they settled down on the rapper’s bed, limbs tangling with each other in a mess of arms and legs. Mark was known to be a skinship hater, but he’d probably never felt as comfortable in his life before.

And, yeah, there were a lot of things to talk about, a lot of things to think through. But they had time. Unlike all the other ocasions in which Mark had developed feelings towards someone, the rapper didn’t need to worry about the younger suddenly disappearing from his life. Donghyuck wasn’t going anywhere, and, in that moment, with the vocal’s head resting on his chest, their arms and legs tangled around each other and his lips still tingling and wet from all the kissing, Mark felt like, yes, maybe he could, fucking finally, replace the guilty feeling that was always clawing at his stomach with the unaltered contentment filling his heart at that moment.